The Minority Pony

My name is Pinkamena Diane Pie. Pinkie for short. Wait, no it's not. I should probably have another name, given that I am an unfair user of this one. I am not Pinkie Pie, but merely a double. I have not even a name to distinguish myself, but yet so many other things. You see, in the time that I have been alive, I have attempted to differentiate myself from the original Pinkie Pie by adopting as many minorities as possible. Currently, I am Mexican Gay Anarchist  Extreme Left Wing Pinkie Pie. And today, I am joining the Mormon Church of Ponyville. How, you ask, do I join the Mormon church when I am gay, anarchist, and extremely left-wing? That doesn't make any sense, you say. Well, dear friend, my eloquent answer is this: YOU DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE!!! Indeed.

So off I go, into town, wearing a mustache and a sombrero in the hope that no one will mistake me for the one I bear the face of. They do not, for I do not smile and say hello in the manner of my double. And so, I walk alone to the Mormon Church. I meet with the Mormon missionaries, and I nod and hold up the Book of Mormon. After joining the Mormon Church, I find a Republican office. I am now officially a tea-party conservative. And extremely left-wing. Yes, I very well know that that makes no sense whatsoever. After this occurs, I shamble over to my favored gay karaoke bar. Then, I see the sign. The terrible sign. The sign on the  front door of the karaoke bar. The one that says "closed, going out of business". Oh, woe is me, the false Pinkie! Oh, that rhymes. THAT'S NOT THE POINT!!! You know what? I'll open my OWN gay karaoke bar! With blackjack, and hook-wait, I cannot say that, I do believe I ripped it off from something. Ah, well.

Time to go home, and think things out. It's been a long day. When I get up, I realize that I cannot open a gay karaoke bar if I do not even have a real name (because obviously there can only be one Pinkie Pie) Henceforth, I am Karaoke Dokie. Then, I pick up some cheap mane dye. I cannot look exactly like the true Pinkie. I dye my mane and tail a dark blue, then straighten them with a clothing iron. I do not own a mane iron. Petty things. I also grab a pot of paint in my teeth, and paint over my- Pinkie Pie's-cutie mark. I replace it with a microphone, for karaoke. It looks a bit crude, but no matter. On the inside though, I will still be Mexican Gay Anarchist Extreme Left Wing Mormon Tea Party Extreme Right Wing Pinkie Pie. Indeed. And so, I go about town, saddlebags stuffed with money, attempting to find a location. After much searching, and little success, I find the home of the Mushroom family. It is being foreclosed upon.

Which is all the better for me, as Merry Mushroom is not much of a motivated seller. She is passed out on the lawn, a pile of colorful mushrooms beside her. Changing the subject, the property is VERY affordable. Anyhow, I sign the deed and then go meet with MAAP. What is MAAP, you say? It is Militant Atheists Around Ponyville. Yes, I understand the obvious contradiction between being an atheist and being Mormon. Then why do it? Well, perhaps some questions are best left unanswered.

After MAAP, I go to the music store, to pick up a basic karaoke machine. I select one in lurid pink, then take it home and paint a rainbow and "Karaoke Dokie's Singing Words On A Screen Bar (For Gay Ponies)". That is what I shall call my bar. And so, I take a taxi to the former Mushroom residence, bringing a contractor that I found lingering in the gutters. Damned contractors are  infesting this town like rats. He quotes me a price, and I call in several tearing-out and re-building sorts of services. I leave for a quick beer at the local non-karaoke bar, and walking out, I slam head first into a blue pony with a rainbow mane. She  fixes her ruffled mane, then apologizes.

     "Sorry about that. Hey, I'm Rainbow Dash, fastest flyer in Equestria. Who are you?" I start to say my real name, but I manage to stifle it with a small choking noise.

     "Karaoke Dokie. I cannot fly," I say, attempting a nonchalant tone. She shrugs.

     "Well, I can buy you a drink or something if you want. As, like, an apology," Rainbow Dash says. I nod politely, and follow her back into the bar. Once we're there, I order a Manehattan, and she gets a maretini. We purchase many more drinks, and slowly becomes drunk. And then she vomits on the floor. I hail a taxi, because obviously this mare is in no condition to fly. I am not doing much better. Not knowing where she lives, I bring her to my home and set her up on my couch. When I wake up, I assemble a dandelion salad for breakfast, to be eaten when Rainbow Dash comes to. Eventually, she gets up off my couch, groaning and holding her aching head.

     "Ugh, am I at your place? Karaoke, how many drinks did I have?" she says, her voice raspy.

     "I do not know, but far too many. And yes, you are at my 'place', so to speak," I say calmly, making the air quotes with my hooves when I say "place". Rainbow Dash laughs. I simply laugh along. We eat the salad I made, and I feel sorry once she's gone. She is a good mare. Pushing her from my mind, I go to check on the progress. My understanding is that the Mushrooms  used to own quite a bit of land, but it went to pot after they squandered their earnings and spent a lot of time eating oddly colored mushrooms. So now they just own a three room house, or rather owned, as the last surviving Mushroom sold it to me.

The kitchen is being converted into a bar, the bedroom a karaoke room and the bathroom is still a bathroom, though I am pulling out the shower and redoing the wall and floors. Also, it smells like mushrooms. Something must be done about that. But progress is going well. After I tire of watching the workers work, I attend a theater presentation of the show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. You know, the show I live in. After that, I go to a Wiccan spell casting group, and help them cast their spell by making a magic circle with some mushrooms I dug up around the Mushroom property. To diffuse the mushroom-y smell, you see. I am unsure why I carried them with me. Anyhow, I am now Mexican Gay Anarchist Extreme Left Wing Mormon Tea Party Extreme Right Wing Militant Atheist Brony Wiccan Pinkie Pie. And yes, I am a member of two contradictory religions while being an atheist. That is my way. I go to bed, eagerly awaiting the next morning. I get up, eat breakfast, and am about to go check on the remodeling progress, when... I am struck with a sudden desire to see the pony Rainbow Dash. And so I set out for the bar where I met her. Indeed.