Reptilian Love

When I think of love, I think of two average white people having coffee, or a puppy rubbing his rubbery, disgusting tongue all over his owner's face. I think of two 8 year olds sharing the same ice cream cone, or a middle-aged guy watching the Super Bowl on his flat-screen HD television. Sometimes I think of love as a tool used by the government to make me waste money on chocolates and jewelry for a girl I'll dump a week later.. And sometimes, now and then, I think of love as two reptilian creatures of the same gender making out even though their owners don't approve of their love.

I'm kind of weird that way.

Anyways, I gotta start off a story by being pretentious because HEY that's what all the famous people do! Now, let's start this damn story already.

The month of February is one of the busiest months Ponyville has ever known. Married couples and prepubescent ponies alike rush to get their loved ones the perfect gift for Hearts and Hooves Day, even though Hearts and Hooves Day is in, like, a week. But who can blame them? Love is in the air, and no one's sniffing it up like our pal Spike.

"Hey, Twilight!" The small purple-ish fire-breathing reptile (most commonly known as a dragon) said as he waltzed into the library. He was carrying a bag full of groceries, as Twilight had made the mistake of mating with a male 8 months ago and now had a small horse growing inside of her, making her unable to buy the groceries herself because she was really big and Ponyville had just discovered the wonder of fat shaming.

"Hey, Spike! Back with the groceries?" She answered, presumably because Spike was indeed back with the groceries. Smart cookie, Twilight is.

"Yup! And I got you your cream cheese!" He reached into the pits of ~~Hell~~ the bag and tossed a tube of cream cheese to Twilight.

"Oh, thank you! I was craving for that so badly." She said as the tube hit her in the eye. Spike forgot that Twilight has no fingers and therefore cannot catch objects that are thrown at her.

Spike dumped the groceries on the floor like the little prick he is and went upstairs, to his sleeping basket. He reached into his pillow, and pulled out 4 bits. "With this money, I'll buy Rarity a Hearts and Hooves Day gift!" He thought to himself, while also indirectly explaining a plot point to the reader. Spike has been saving this money ever since he knew Rarity, and now he finally had enough to buy Rarity the perfect gift: A plastic bracelet.

TIMESKIP!

Spike comes hopping out of Toyz 4 Boyz!, the hottest toy store for male children, holding the plastic bracelet he bought for Rarity.He knew that the last part of his quest was to bring the bracelet to his love, but where was she? Could she be at her home, the boutique? Or could she be at Sugar Cube Corner? Maybe she was beating up that little punk Derrick again, who knows! The only way he could find out was to visit all these locations and see if Rarity was there!

So he went to the boutique, but she wasn't there.

So he went to Sugar Cube Corner, but she wasn't there.

So he went to Derrick's house, but he couldn't go inside because Derrick's house was being inspected by the police. Apparently Derrick's mom smuggled hay across the border, who knew.

Spike let out he deep sigh. "Why can't I find Rarity? I've been looking all over the place!" He thought, out loud. It's a good thing he was alone or else people would think he was a psycho.

Suddenly, a miracle happened. Spike spotted a little purple thing in the corner of his eye. It was Rarity, the one and only, swinging her hips from the left to the right as she waltzed over to the train station.

The train station?

THE TRAIN STATION!

Spike ran as fast as his little fat legs would let him. Why was Rarity going to the train station? Was Derrick at the train station? I hope he is. I totally wanna see Derrick getting his ass kicked again.

"RARITY! WAIT" Spike screamed from the top of his lungs. Rarity turned around in surprise. "Spike? What are you doing here?" She said. Spike's fat feet came to a screeching halt, but sadly he didn't stop in time as he smashed his face into a wall.

"Rarity, where are you going?" He said as he picked small parts of cement out of his skull. Rarity stared at him, then at the ground, like she had some kind of secret to keep from him. "What is it?" Spike asked. "What is it"? He asked again, because Rarity wasn't answering him. Prick.

"I...I..." She muttered. "I'm... going away." She said. "They need me in Manehattan, Spike. I've been hired to work on a play version of Daring Doo."

"B-but Rarity!" Spike said, shaking nervously. "What about your friends? What about the boutique? ...and why a play version of Daring Doo? Fictional characters adapted to theater never end well. You saw Spider-Mare, right?"

"Look, Spike. I won't be gone forever. I'll be back soon! ...in a year. And a half. But I'll be back!"

Spike stared at Rarity, and Rarity stared at Spike. They stared into each other's eyes for minutes. And minutes. And minutes and minutes and minutes and CHOO CHOO!

Rarity's train had finally arrived after her intense staring contest with Spike. "Look, I have to go. I'll be back soon, Spike. Promise."

Spike said nothing. He simply walking away in disappointment, dragging his fat little self across the platform. Rarity simply watched as Spike walked into the distance, until she realized that an entire train has been waiting for her to board for like, 25 minutes. She boarded the train, as it drove (trains drive, right?) into the distant horizon. Say goodbye to Rarity, folks.

Well gosh dang it, now we need another love interest for Spike. But who?

I think I have an idea...