We return to find our heroes riding down route 69 to the pokecenter, what an unexpected adventure! The last we saw them felt like years ago, but alas, it was actually just a mid-season hiatus while an old CEO greenlit the funding for season 2! But never fear, Pinkie has your back and will be sure to keep this story going, or at worst, sell the rights to SyFy for when they run out of Sharknado films. Coming soon straight-to-TV, Ponymon: Jizz Lives Matter!

Dash coughs loudly.

Oh, right… our heroes are riding down the road…

Dash raced down the road on her pilfered bike, with Scootaloo in the basket on the handlebars. “Don’t worry Squirt, I’ll get you some help!”

*Beep beep beep*

She wasn’t far from the pokecenter now, it was just around the--

*Beep beep beep*

“What the?” Dash looks down and sees her pokedex beeping and vibrating at her. “I’ve got an urgent message? Later, okay?”

She closes the message about the super cool free DLC that added 150 ponymon to the competition, and runs right into a row of bushes outside the pokecenter, flying through the air and tumbling to the ground with Futaloo. Dash looks up to see another unwelcome face.

“Prepare for penetration,” Trixie said, standing only a hoof’s length away from Futaloo.

“And make it double,” Starlight added.

“To protect Equestria from untreated heat.”

“To ensure into their hoof no stallion must beat.”

“To denounce the evils of monogamy and safe sex.”

“Our most important muscles we must flex!”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie!”

“Starlight Glimmer!”

“Team Fuck it humps at the speed of light!”

“Surrender now, or deep throat my might!”

“Spike, that’s right!” Spike added.

Dash blinked and tilted her head. “Really? That’s got to be the most gimmicky and stupid thing I’ve ever heard, and if I ever hear it again I’ll probably kill myself. Who comes up with this shit? Did your song writer have no standards? I’ve taken dumps that spelled out more literate sentences than that.”

“Now, now, pathetic little Dash, we shall steal your Futaloo! It’s truly a one of a kind ponymon~ half female, half male, and able to speak!”

“Yeah!” Spike added.

“What are you doing with them, Spike?” Dash asked.

“Well, Twilight never lets me participate in Ponymon because I’m not a pony so I decided to run away and join team Fuck It! Plus, as fringe benefits, I get to sleep with Starlight.”

“Sleep? Pff, more like a disinterested hoofjob,” Starlight quipped.

“And what’s your deal? Where’d you come from?” Dash asked.

“Oh, I’m Starlight Glimmer. I believe all ponies are created equal, but some are more equal than others. And I’m here to help Trixie enslave each and every famous pony in Equestria, and make the tournament last forever! Not that anypony will care about weaklings like you Dash, you’ll all just be fucktoys we store on a shelf. Even I’ve heard about your sick fetishes from last year’s tournament.”

“Yawn, the Great and Powerful Trixie is becoming the Bored and Disinterested Trixie. Let’s grab Futaloo and go.”

“No!” Dash shouts, but she’s too weak to stand and fight. “If only there were somepony to help me!”

“Eeyup!”

Big Mac leaps out from behind a nearby bush, balls in hoof. There’s a lot of something white on his foreleg that’s not icing. It’s not snow either. In fact, I’ll just cum out and say it. It’s white out. “Your motto needs some work, try this.” He hands Trixie a page, covered in white out.

“What?” Trixie reaches for the page, only to get hit in the side by Apple Pie.

“Pie! Pie!”

“What the—he grabbed Futaloo!” Starlight’s horn lit up, flinging a large metal chastity belt at Big Mac.

He spins and kicks it out of the air. “Pie, show Trixie what happened that one time at Band Camp!”

“Oh that’s my favorite!” Pinkie shouted from a nearby bush, tossing random musical instruments out of the nearby tree. Finally she flings a flute to Apple Pie.

She catches it in her mouth and turns around, dodging a blast from Trixie and a breath of fire from Spike. His dragon fire hits her fancy bow, transporting it somewhere far away.

Celestia raises up the spiked cat o nine tails, ready to deliver a blow to her slutty submissive pet when a red bow materializes. “Damn it Discord, using the safe word already?”

Apple Pie shoves the flute into Trixie and begins to blow. The note sounds like a police whistle buried inside of a horse’s ass, if the horse was drowning underwater while large boxes of raw roast beef were being spilled on the ground. In fact, I’m fairly certain if you find a recording of a police whistle and a queef, you could have saved me a lot of effort on this analogy.

Trixie moans and feels her nether regions clamping down on the flute. She comes dangerously close to an orgasm, which would allow Big Mac or Dash to capture her. After making a mental note to masturbate more frequently, she calls out for help. “Starlight plan B!”

Starlight pulls a couple small white pills out and holds them in her hoof, “Got ‘em!” She tosses them to Trixie.

“No you idiot! The hot air balloon!”

“Oh!” Starlight runs over to the nearby hot air balloon and starts untying it. “Come on Spike, I need you to heat it up!”

Spike comes over to fill the balloon with hot air, when Trixie lands beside them, startling him. He belches fire, catching the wicker basket on fire. “Horse testicles!” He grabs a fire extinguisher and begins to spray it on the blaze.

There’s a large explosion, flinging Spike, Trixie, and Starlight into the air. “Looks like Team Fuck It’s blasting off again! Or for the first time! Or—”

The trio blinks out of existence, leaving just Dash, Futaloo, Apple Pie, Big Mac, and the ever present Pinkie Pie outside the pokecenter.

“I just knew that novelty fire extinguisher would come in handy one day! That’s why I gave it to Spike for his birthday last year.” Pinkie hopped out of the tree.

“Novelty? What did you fill it with Pinkie?”

“Nitroglycerin!”

“What?!” Dash shouted, “you gave me a fire extinguisher last year too!”

Pinkie laughed, “oh silly, yours was filled with pressurized personal lubricant!”

Dash blinked a few times before remembering about Futaloo. “Oh crap! We need to get her some help. I’ll see you after the commercial break Pinkie when you’re narrating my bathroom habits or whatever,” she waved a hoof dismissively.

“Eeyup, she’ll be okay but we should get her inside. Good work, Apple Pie!” He held up a ball. Then he used his ponymon ball to recall Apple Pie.

“You uh… may want to get that checked while we’re here, it’s like 20% bigger than the other one,” Dash observed.

Big Mac sighed. “Eeyup.”

Dash burst inside the hospital, rushing over to Nurse Redheart. “Help! Futaloo was hurt by a wild ponymon!”

“Oh dear!” Redheart exclaimed. She grabbed Futaloo and signaled to her assistant. “Delancie, we need help!”

A furry pink humanoid Ponymon waddled over. “Q Q! Q Q!”

The two raced into the back of the hospital to cure Futaloo. Meanwhile, Dash stumbled over to the chair in the waiting room and fell asleep, exhausted from the bike ride.

Big Mac took a nearby seat while they waited for a word from our sponsors.

********************************************

Who is that Ponymon?!

********************************************

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EAG presents the definitive First Person Shooter of 10th-month 2017! Nominated for “Best Shooter released this month”

GameStart Reviews said “This game is utter shit, but we’ve been paid to give it a 10 and point out how only noobs will find flaws with it!”

A random steam review that totally wasn’t a developer’s account said “Wow this game is amazeballs!”

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********************************************

Do you want to buy low-quality products at high-prices from a crime-infested neighborhood? Have you gone too long without hovering over a toilet to take a dump because swastikas were carved into the seat, probably by the discarded heroine needles on the floor? Is your idea of a good time averting your eyes from dozens of homeless people begging for money as you walk to your carriage?

Then we’d love to invite you down to Paperclips! The premiere office supply store for all your office supply needs. Need paperclips? We got em! Want to be sold over-priced and expensive add-ons to necessary items like printers? Look no further!

Here at Paperclips you’ve got our shitty experience guarantee. Get a free “That was miserable” button with every purchase for a limited time only. We now sell Liquid Coating, guaranteed to make your pokedex screen scratch resistant! But if it does scratch, it’s your fault not ours, fuck off already.

Paperclips. That was miserable.

********************************************

FILLY MAYS HERE WITH SHAMPOW! BOY HAVE I GOT AN ITEM FOR YOU.

JIZZ IN YOUR HAIR? NOT A PROBLEM, SHAMPOW! WIPES RIGHT OUT. CUM IN YOUR PUBES? SHAMPOW! MESSY MESS AFTER REMOVING YOUR ANAL PLUG? SHAMPOW!

OUR PATENTED BLACK SHAMPOWS ARE GAURANTEED TO HIDE THE WORST STAINS FROM YOUR LOVELIFE! THEY’RE 100% BLACKLIGHT RESISTANT. DATING A GERMOPHOBE? THE ONLY SPLATTER ON HER SHAMPOW WILL BE THE ONE YOU MAKE WHEN YOU SHAMPLOW HER!

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********************************************

Who is that Ponymon?!

Twilight!

********************************************

“I’m okay now, Dash! That sure was a speedy recovery.” Futaloo nuzzles Dash. Only a sharp tug from Dash on her mane kept Futaloo from wiggling her way under Dash and eating her out in a dirty hospital waiting room.

“Yep you seem good as new!” Dash exclaimed.

“I’m glad,” Big Mac interrupted. “However, I’d sure feel better if we could team up for this year’s competition. A lot of other ponies are doing it now, and if it weren’t for me you’d be eating a Great and Powerful creampie right now.”

Dash shuddered. “Yeah… you’re probably right, I could use some traveling companions. After all, I can’t be expected to hit on all the sexy mares I encounter all by myself.”

“A good choice! Though, if you want a little help hitting on the stallions…” Big Mac smiled.

“Uh, sure! You can hit on the wyverns too, I’m not into piercings.” Dash shrugs and puts some bits on the counter to pay for the services from the pokecenter.

“Thanks,” Nurse Redheart said. “That’ll help me buy a replacement outfits for Q here. His hidden power is to change outfits with the flick of his fingers, but I never found where he is sending them to…”

Q snapped his fingers, causing a pair of assless chaps to vanish.

“Not again…” Nurse Redheart sighed.

Princess Luna was pacing through her closet, looking for something to wear for her session tonight. Since Discord’s session ended early, she needed something to wear to really impress her sister… Suddenly assless chaps appeared in front of Luna. She smirked. The strangest outfits would just appear when she needed them most, it was a sign: tonight Luna went assless.

“Thanks again,” Dash said. Already Redheart was placing an order on South-Amerizon for 1-day shipping of some plaid coveralls to dress Q in.

Dash walked outside the pokecenter and was about to say something witty to Big Mac and Futaloo when a deranged white unicorn jumped out of the tall grass.

“You!” Rarity screamed. “This!” She flung the mangled remains of her bike on the ground between them. “Is. The. Worst. Possible. Thing!”

Dash bit her lip and lasted almost two seconds before bursting out in laughter and rolling over onto her back.

Rarity’s eye twitched and something inside her snapped. I, Pinkie, as one of her oldest friends can only surmise it was the stick she keeps stuck up her ass. What happened next was LEGEN- wait for it.

“Rainbow Sprinkle Dash! You stop that this moment and face me!” Rarity yelled.

Dash continued to roll around laughing, while Rarity summoned a magical needle and shot it at Dash, quickly sewing her mouth shut. “Mmph!”

“Hey that’s no fair!” Futaloo shouted.

Already Rarity had called out Coco Pommel. “Now, eat her out and make it classy.”

Before Coco could leap on the confused Dash, who was undoubtedly not expecting to have her lips sewn shut, Futaloo intercepted with a quick attack. She turned to look back at Dash, wondering what attack to use next, but Dash was unable to talk.

“Scootaloo, darling, she’ll summon a ponymon to defend herself, stay out of this” Rarity ordered.

“But I’m her Ponymon!”

“Really? Hmm, well she can’t give you commands either. So I guess that makes you my ponymon now. Coco, use envelope!”

Coco threw several unsealed envelopes at Futaloo, leaving dozens of painful papercuts. “Ow!” She waited out of habit for Dash to tell her what attack to use, finally deciding to just fuck Coco’s brains out. In her limited experience, sticking one's dick repeatedly into a pussy was the only attack she needed to win a ponymon fight. It was almost as if every attack was a variation on a similiar theme of fucking, or being fucked, or just plain fucked up.

Futaloo ran towards Coco Pommel, dodging several spools of yarn and a mannequin that were flung at her, and pounced onto Coco. She improvised, buzzing her wings and turning her entire body into a massive vibrator as she thrust her dick into Coco.

Rarity stood in shock and disgust, as any mare of proper upbringing would, at the sight. The small orange filly had just tackled and started to fuck her ponymon in public. “This is lewd! You stop that at once young mare!”

“Futaloo!” she replied, chuckling. As a fringe benfit, banging mares felt amazing and without a trainer to reign her in, Futaloo quickly came and emptied her seed into Coco Pommel.

Weakened by her orgasm, Futaloo felt herself shrinking and was easily pushed off Coco Pommel.

“Pfft, typical lack of stamina.” Rarity rolled her eyes. “Coco wins. You’re mine now Dash unless… you buy me a new bike!”

Dash, who had finally found a pair of scissors in her saddlebags, cut the stitches from her lips. “That was cheating!”

“What? Me, cheat? Why I’ll have you know body piercing is number seventy-two on the list of approved sexual deviances for use in Ponymon!” Rarity huffed and turned her nose up. “Now, will you get me a new bike or will I capture your Futaloo?”

“I’ll buy you a new bike!” Dash yelled. “I… am just a little broke right now.”

“Of course you are! Well, I’m not letting you out of my sight until I get a new bike so I guess we’re traveling together.”

“Fine!” Dash replied.

“Fine!” Rarity responded.

“Eeyup,” Big Mac added.

“Pikachu?” Futaloo asked.

The group shared a laugh.

And so our unlikely heroes walk into the sunset. What new adventures await them? Nopony knows, unless you’ve played a pokemon game or just had the slightest amount of pattern recognition! We’ll see you next time for cupcakes, badges, new ponymon, and more! Only on the Hump network™

Author's Note

-DARY!

LEGENDARY!

Apparently we're back now and are Triple-Pinkie's Seal of Approval'd. So keep an eye out for the next episode of Ponymon, coming sometime in 2019!

Also, we're rebooting Dash of Humanity and starting the DCU - Dawn's Cunt Universe. It'll be a shared storyverse full of ponies wanting to get into Dawn's saddle, if you know what I mean.

This author's note brought to you by Pinkie. The views and opinions do not reflect the views and opinions of fim fiction. Just Kaidan, he's kind of fucked up.

p.s. It's a warm up I forgot to do any inside-the-ponymon-ball hi-jinx, guess we're saving it for next time!~