The Average Life of Lyra and Bon Bon... Or Other Misleading Titles

The Average Life of Lyra and Bon Bon... Or Other Misleading Titles
Chapter One - Paying the Rent: Part One

Bon Bon

I'm the mare your fathers warned you about, your mothers wanted to be, and your sons dreamed about. Of course that might make you older than myself, so your father would be a cantankerous old fart. Fuck his perspective- what does he know? The elderly haven't done a damn thing worthy of attention since two lonely old hags in Canterlot found love through a letter writing campaign and birthed the greatest mare of all time with a surrogate from Trottingham. When I busted out of that womb like a batcat out of Tartarus, you're damn right I was pretty awesome.

So if I'm so awesome, why the Tartarus do I live in a too-small apartment in some podunk city near Canterlot instead of trying to bag myself some rich noble so I suck all of his money away like a parasite? I'm too damn nice! I didn't suck up to the mean fillies at school who were the sons and daughters of the rich and powerful–don't let anypony tell you that anything else matters in Equestria except for a sweet rump and connections. Having only half of that relegates you to the lower tier of society, and so I found myself entertaining the sad and pathetic with silly voices. Silly voices, yeah. All my voices are silly... but you'll learn more about that later on (and when you do, I'll slap the shit out of you).

I have no connections and can't afford to live in Canterlot, and my mothers left me with nothing. Well, they died broke–poor mares spent so much on getting me where I was that they had little else. They were happy enough with just me, and I guess I'm grateful for that–would have been more grateful for a mansion with butlers and servants, but beggars can't be choosers and don't let anypony tell you that I haven't begged. I've begged and pleaded and done things for money that I'm not proud of, but all you need to know is that even at my lowest point I'm like ten leagues above you.

Ten leagues above you places me in Ponyville, where I found myself on my last legs some years ago selling bonbons. Get it? Because my name is Bon Bon. Fucking Equestria. I make good bonbons, too. “The best! Better than the rest.” That was my slogan for years, see where it got me? Homeless, with a lease for a crappy apartment in town being given to me by the sympathetic Mayor Mare. Geez, thanks kind overlords for not giving me that damn mansion, your scraps are just fine. They call me ungrateful but seriously, I knew a colt who had a golden spoon at lunch and when a bully stole it, he hit the bully with a golden lunchbox. What I'm asking for is at least practical.

Luckily, I wasn't the only one stuck in this crapsack of a town sniffing Canterlot's endless taint close by. In fact, once you get past the size of the city, the number and variety of it's inhabitants is pretty amazing. It still sucks, but hey, I met somepony. I think Lyra is a pretty cool mare and doesn't afraid of anything, or whatever other dumb meme you want me to force into the ground. Foals these days learn all sorts of dumb shit on the playground. Back in my day we spoke proper Equestrian, not this horse-radish being passed as filling because we're becoming overrun with griffons.

My point is, they're un-Equestrian.

Lyra though, she’s smart and funny, cool and nice, and almost as awesome as I am. It would be impossible to be as awesome as I am of course. If she was, they could just install us as the Princesses. Then I could get that mansion I always wanted. In fact, maybe that's what I'll do someday- overthrow the Equestrian government and get that palace all to myself... and Lyra, of course. She deserves it almost as much as I.

For now, however, we just needed to keep the rent paid before the landlord whipped us outta there faster than Flash Sentry tosses out Twilight's love letters.

• In case Twilight Sparkle can read minds: Oh great Equestrian magical overlord, it was a fucking joke. Also, stop clopping to his name at night, you dirty girl.

Lyra

All in all I'd say I'm pretty much just your typical, average mare. I was born to a typical, average home nestled in the most typical and average part of Canterlot. I was the middle child born to a pair of happy, loving ponies eager to provide for the family they so loved. My parents worked typical, average jobs as mechanical lawn ornament designers. They raised us well, and for it I was always happy.

Thinking on it though, y'know, I can't really remember many times where I haven't been happy. Lotsa ponies seem really sad sometimes, going through lives with frowns plastered on their face–but not me! I dunno. Guess I musta lucked out or something. Sure, I'm nothing special, but I'm happy and live a dream life here in Ponyville with a pony I love more than anything in the whole universe! Considering all of that, I don't think I'd want to trade my life for anypony's, not even Celestia herself!

Looking back, it's kind of hard to see just how I got to where I am now. Of course, that's partly because my memory really isn't good, but still. With my humble background, it's kinda a shock that I wound up with such a rich, fulfilled life. I'm not super smart or super athletic, nor am I especially awesome at magic and I'm kind of a awkward. I can remember my dear old dad telling me one day–not long after his business failed but just before mother's sudden, unexplained disappearance–that “life worked in mysterious ways” and that “good things come to those who wait.” I think he might have been right, even if his illness did strike not too many months after that.

Regardless, it was after we lost the home and my older brother ran off with that foreign countess that I really had to step up and find my calling. Now, given my name–Lyra Heartstrings–I was certain I was destined to be a heart surgeon... but that didn't really pan out very well. After the trial, I decided to just fall back on the lyre I had been learning to play since I was a foal. Turns out I'm not bad at that! I had soon fashioned myself as a modern day troubadour, spreading romance and adventure across the land in verse. It's not something a pony can get particularly rich at, mind you, but I can count on at least every twelfth pony who passes me by as I sing to throw a bit or two in my hat.

It was the lyre which lead me to Ponyville. There's something about singing jaunty lyrical poems to the dulcet tones of an old-fashioned instrument that puts a spring in a pony's step and makes her want to see the wide world. You could say I've always had a bit of a tendency to wander off on my own. Sometimes this can lead me to really weird or wonderful places. One of the first and best of those places was Ponyville, a peaceful, charming town built on a foundation of friendship and harmony. It was there that I met my Bonnie Bon, the best mare in the world!

It was pretty much love at first sight with Bon Bon. She's just so nice! She's cute and funny and makes amazing treats too! I really fell for that mare hard, and for once felt like keeping my hooves firmly in one place for a while. The two of us now share a cozy little apartment together and greet each day with a smiling face. I'm sure she could do much better than an average, typical mare like me, but I'm really just so happy to have her. With Bonnie at my side, I really feel like there's nothing that could ever get me down. With her winning attitude and kind smile, my sweet Bon Bon is the rare sort of mare who can make something extraordinary out of even a humdrum life like mine.

"Sweet Celestia where's the bag?!" Bon Bon screamed as she started to look under the couch, lifting it up with inpony strength as her heart raced. If they lost the rent money, they may as well become traveling circus performers. Entertaining thought for a filly, but she had no desire to see Ponyacci's wrinkled flank ever again. The things a filly with a backstage pass could see if she utilized it! She learned to keep her makeup on, which was a life lesson that she never forgot. Ever. The other lesson experience had taught her was to keep her money in a secure location, but Lyra always seemed prepared to almost give her a heart attack with her tendency to misplace things.

"It's right here, Bonnie!" Lyra bounced into view, levitating a bag with big bit signs on it. There was debate as to why they placed their money in a bag but the truth was that Bon Bon wanted to make it very easy and clear for her fillyfriend where the money was at all times so she never lost it. She had done just that one time, and while the wind had sent it flying back to the apartment then, she doubted she could count on it to always cooperate. You only got that "lucky" once in a blue moon and it wasn't something Bon Bon was willing to place her livelihood on again. Bon Bon ran up and snatched the bitbag, finally relaxed once it was in her position.

"Lyra, why are you playing around with the bitbag?"

"You're no fun at all sometimes, Bonnie."

"Nonsense, I'm a hoot and a holler. What were you doing?" Bon Bon finally noticed there something a bit queer–a bit gamey–about her bag. She opened it up and a steady stream of marbles rolled out, cracking against the floor with headache inducing regularity and volume. As quickly as it opened Bon Bon closed it, tying the infernal bag up.

"I was looking for a good marble bag for your Dungeons and Minotaurs session tomorrow. You know how they make the best dice bags!" Lyra offered cheerfully, already anticipating how Bon Bon was planning on leveling up. Lyra had seen her character sheet and it was quite impressive for a huge nerd. Bon Bon went white from terror, imagining now that the bits were running wild about the house, rolling to and fro.

"Where are the bits, Lyra?!"

"They're in the drawer. Geez, calm down sweetie pie, we made more than enough to cover the rent this time," Lyra tried to soothe Bon Bon's panic to little avail. The earth pony galloped to the kitchen and opened the drawer, letting out a huge, earth shattering sigh- big enough to at least move the curtains on the windowsill some. She sat down on the floor, finally relaxed.

"Oh, thank Celestia. I was so worried! I thought we were completely screwed," Bon Bon offered up weakly, joined a moment later by a Lyra pat on the mane as she walked by to get a drink.

"Stop worrying so much! We've got the rent already half-paid, we have more than enough now, it's all good!" She added quickly before downing her water, Bon Bon rolling her eyes.

Granted, she was just trying to comfort her mare, but the fact was she was still wrong. They were up shit creek without a pegasus to save them, though Bon Bon placed the burden on herself to pay for their crappy little apartment. Lyra didn't see it, being a pony of positivity and all, but Bon Bon saw them all. When it rained, the roof leaked. When the landlord didn't pay his monthly maintenance tax, the weather team didn't even bother fixing the damage they caused. None of the doors closed, so privacy was impossible. The shower had wild water pressure. Some days it wanted to blow you out of the town, other days it was a soft mist. Inspirational perhaps, didn't help get you clean. Their neighbors had loud sessions due to the weak walls so Lyra and Bon Bon responded in kind on purpose. You know who got called by the landlord? Bon Bon. Life was unfair.

Bon Bon sighed. "Sorry, I know I'm being a complete pain in the flank about rent. You know how I worry when it's due."

"Don't I ever!" Lyra giggled, Bon Bon deadpanned.

"...Anyway...wanna walk with me to go ahead and drop it into the landlord's box? He shouldn't be up for another six hours or so. Or seven. What time is it?" Bon Bon should really invest in a clock, but Lyra was more than happy to provide that service. She was more than happy to do anything because she was probably the happiest mare in town. “Suck on that, Pinkie Pie, and suck on it good and hard”, she thought for a moment and her eyes lit up.

"Two minutes to midnight!"

"Alright, wanna come?"

"Oh my, so forward!"

Bon Bon buried her face into her hooves.

"Lyra, that was awful."

"Let me get dressed, meet you out front."

"Okay, meet you out fron- wait, get dressed? We're just walking to the..." Bon Bon sighed, knowing it was fruitless to argue with Lyra. She dutifully trotted outside, waiting for her mare to get on with it already. Something itched the nail of her hoof, though she tried to ignore it. It was this annoying tick she got when things didn't seem right, like scratches on a vinyl record, a broken background loop. She always tried to ignore it, stamping her hoof deep into the ground, but it remained. Luckily before she could devote more time to foreboding body tics, Lyra stepped out looking roughly the same, but with more pronounced makeup.

"Lyra, really. Really, Lyra?"

"Well, I was going to wear some nice boots, but they need to be washed."

"Why?"

"Why not?"

Valid answer. Bon Bon shrugged.

"Okay, so we're just gonna pay the rent. Got it?"

"Yep!"

The itching hooves didn't go away as they trotted in the dark of the night towards the landlord's. And because it was Equestria, nothing freak would happen. Probably. Maybe.

Nah, they were boned.