16 Memories

After his experience with Death, Beta decided to keep his eyes closed for a few minutes as his consciousness returned to a wakeful state. He inhaled the scents around him. He was definitely in Fluttershy's home. She wasn't near him, but her scent was strong in the sheets. The last thing he recalled was being caught by Rainbow Dash. Her feathers and fur were so wonderfully soft.

Inhaling deeply he tasted ... Apple Berry. He could smell her worry and concern. Her scent was the strongest in the room. Had she been looking over him? He felt a warm sensation crawl all over his being. One that was not unpleasant in any way. He realized he rather enjoyed her scent, even above Rainbow Dash's. The warmth spread to his entire being and he realized how he felt. It surprised him, and yet... not.

Beta blinked fully awake. That's when he saw Apple Berry. She had just gone to refill her basin of water when she saw Beta away. She had that same fragile look of blown glass Derpy has when she had heard Butter Hooves that first time. It was that moment Beta choose. It wasn't a difficult choice. It had been there all along, he just hadn't been looking.

He saw Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash in one corner talking, and Apple Berry was about to leave the room with a empty basin in her fore hooves. Trying to speak, he chittered. All three mares stopped what they were doing, and looked at him but only Fluttershy seemed to understand him. He cleared his throat and asked "How... long?" His voice was like paper in the wind.

Before anyone could answer Apple Berry dropped the basin with a loud crash as she sprinted over to Beta, throwing her fore legs around him, hugging him tightly, crying with abandon. "You're ALIVE, oh thank Celestia you're alive!!!!" She cried into his chest. "I was so worried! Please don't ever do that to me again Beta! Please never leave me like that again!" she pleaded between sobs of joy.

Beta wrapped his arms around her, holding her to him. He looked up and stared straight into Raindow Dash's violet eyes. He saw pain in her eyes, and joy. She was glad he was back, and going to be ok and... sad. Beta reached a paw out to her, but she only shook her head 'no'. Beta understood. He looked apologetic and nodded. It was over. Rainbow Dash had bowed out. He wouldn't chase her anymore. He had no reason to. Beta put his arm back around Apple Berry, comforting her as she completely broke down, racked in sobs of joy.

"Two days" Rainbow Dash said, almost flatly, dealing with her loss. In her heart she knew this was for the best, but that did little to help the immediate sting. She was glad for Apple Berry. She'd had a hard life. And they had begun to become good friends the last two days. "She.." Rainbow Dash began, almost painfully admitting this "She has been at your side since you arrived."

Apple Berry released Beta and stepped back, giving him room to breath on the bed. "She's the nurse in town" Rainbow Dash continued. "As soon as we landed, Fluttershy went to get her, but somehow she was already on her way here" she continued.

"I... I talked to Derpy. She told me what had happened and that you'd gone up" Apple Berry took over "I..." she looked away blushing and embarrassed at her assumption "I dunno... I just figured you might have run into trouble. As soon as I saw the lightning bolt slam into the ground... I KNEW it was you. I also knew the most likely place you'd be brought was here. You can't exactly go to the Hospital can you? So I packed up my triage kit and ... came running... I ..." She began to tear up. Beta put a weak paw on her head and pet her lightly to reassure her that he was, in fact, alive.

He couldn't help smiling a little. She had no idea how much she reminded him of Alpha at that moment. How many times he'd heard "I heard it was you so I packed my triage kit" from her?. 'Good times' he thought with a mixture of bitterness and fondness. He did miss his team, but not his old life. And this sweet, loving mare was a reminder of what he had to loose now if he wasn't careful.

"How... bad?" He asked, as he started to look for something to drink. "EEP"ing, Apple Berry rushed back into the kitchen.

Rainbow Dash looked at Beta, letting her pride for her older friend overcome her sting of pain. "She was amazing. She was all over you the moment we put you on the bed..." realizing how what she said sounded everyone giggled and blushed, especially Beta. "She figured out very quickly that the only real wound you had was the one you already had..." Beta rubbed his bandage before he realized it didn't hurt nearly as much as he expected.

"I'm so sorry Beta" she said as she returned with tea in a cup, "I was about to get this for you. It's a special medicinal tea that promotes healing. " she added. Smiling, Beta accepted the tea and drank it slowly.... then he made 'the face'. The mares laughed hard, watching Beta's reaction

"OH MY GAWD!!!! That's.... HORRIBLE!" Beta said, his long tongue sticking out. The mares laughed even harder, Rainbow Dash rolling on the ground with laughter. Beta joined in, laughing, accepting the humor. He must have looked silly.

"It's meant to make you FEEL good, not taste good" Apple Berry said between guffaws. "It can be nice to DO nice" she added, giggling.

"Speaking of getting better..." Beta noted, as he swung his legs over the side of the bed he stood up causing all three mares to go silent and RED! Beta looked down and realized he was quite in the fur. Blushing himself, Beta continued on as if he didn't notice the stares and checked himself and his bandage. "You can turn around if you like" he giggled.

"Are you enjoying showing off?" Apple Berry asked, blushing, but also drinking in the sight. Of course she'd seen him naked before on that amazing night, but this felt so much naughtier.

Blushing as well, Beta replies "I'd have to..." then stopped himself, and pulled the sheet around himself "Looks like I'm ok.. actually my bandage looks better?" He said, blushing more, realizing what he almost did and said in a moment of jest.

"Um... so why am I here?" Beta asked, trying to change the subject to anything.

"Fluttershy is the village vet... she takes care of all the hurt little animals from the forest." Rainbow Dash explained again. "Apple Berry has become the town nurse of sorts" she said. "The hospital staff aren't always available, so Apple Berry's been helping when she's not on the farm or selling at the stand" Beta looked with amazement at Apple Berry, he was beyond impressed with how hard she worked... 'Apple family trait' Beta thought.

Apple Berry met Beta's gaze then turned away, blushing. "I... I'm... I just do what's needed that's all" she said, drawing a circle on the ground with her fore hoof. "I just... helped you patch yourself up. Those preds did a nasty number on you. Your chest has... um... dents?" she added pointing to a slight dent where the predator had stomped on Beta's chest.

He felt his chest thoughtfully. He could feel the tiny handful of nannites already pushing it back out. "It'll be ok in a couple days" he said nonchalantly, distracted by the fact that his biomesh armor WAS damaged at all. 'How hard was he stomping on me?' Beta wondered. When he looked up he saw all three mares looking at him slack jawed.

"A few days? DAYS!?!?" Apple Berry nearly roared at him, the worry in her eyes fueling the fire. "What the HELL do you mean it'll be fine in a couple DAYS?! That much force should have KILLED YOU!" She shouted, tears brimming on her eyes again. "And you just brush it off with "A few DAYS!?!?"

Beta held up his paws placatingly "Look.. I'm not normal" he started.

"No kidding!" Apple Berry interrupted putting her hooves gently on his chest, one tracing the dent, tears falling again from the outburst. She got the feeling he was going to make her cry with worry a lot in the coming future...

"I... I can explain... but later, ok?" Beta replied as calm and pleading as he could. He saw how Fluttershy was reacting to Apple Berry's raised voice and knew he had to talk to her soon.

Catching the que of Beta's gaze, Apple Berry backed off... "oh..." She also understood now... 'wrong time for this fight' she thought.

Lowering her head, Apple Berry whispered low enough she was sure only Beta could hear her "She's been in a bad way since you returned. She isn't sleeping well, and has bad nightmares... nightmares aren't normal for ponies."

"You... you don't... have nightmares?" Beta asked in that same low tone, confused. He still had nightmares... though he had to admit they were slowly getting better. He had even had a nice dream about Apple Berry.... he almost blushed as THAT thought crossed his mind.

Apple Berry continued, still whispering low, "Why, yes silly. Our loving goddess Luna protects everyone's dreams." That caught Beta's attention."Luna looks at our dreams as we sleep and helps guide those who are having bad ones. It's so very rare that any pony would have a full on nightmare, let alone one that lasts and lasts, that it's hard for people to understand." Apple Berry finished. Beta was starting to wonder how much the ponies understood about their own goddess Luna.

"And... what about Nightmare Moon?" Beta asked trying to pretend to pull the question from thin air. "Nightmare Moon?" Apple Berry said in a normal voice. She was aghast at the question "Nightmare Moon tried to take over the day/night Cycle! The Mare in the Moon is a cruel and evil creature. It's a good thing Luna is looking over you." She finished almost absentmindedly. Beta decided it might be best to leave this conversation for later.

"So... She's been suffering PTSD?" Beta asked, wondering if there was an equivalent here.

"Pee tee what?" Apple Berry asked

"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder... it's what happens to a lot of soldiers" Beta explained. 'Like me', he didn't say.

"Oh yes, Sad Mare's Syndrome." Apple Berry replied. "Mostly it happens when a Mare has a rough foal birthing."

"That's post pardem depression... I mean when something happens that is so horrible and scary the pers... pony thinks about it over and over" Beta clarified, then he paused... "this is partially my fault" He said quietly, almost to himself.

Apple Berry looked thoughtful. "Flutteryshy is the kindest soul I've ever known. I think the thought of ... what did you call it? 'Cycling'? somepony might be too much for her." Then seeing the self-hatred beginning in Beta's eyes she quickly added "but don't you DARE apologize Beta! From what I heard you saved her from far worse!" Beta was taken aback at how quickly she had read him.... she was right of course.

Looking at Fluttershy, Beta started formulating a plan... a very painful one. but he needed to see how she was doing. Gesturing to Fluttershy, Apple Berry nodded and found a reason to be in another room. Before he could move Fluttershy came up to him, eying Apple Berry. 'It seems Fluttershy has the same idea as we do' Both Beta and Apple Berry thought.

Apple Berry found a reason to be somewhere else. She grabbed Rainbow Dash and dragged her outside. "So Rainbow, Tell me again about your latest maneuver to get the Thunderbolts' attention? It's pretty cloudy outside..." she said as they left the house.

"Do you need some tea Beta?" Fluttershy asked. She had a tray with two tea cups and a tea pot on it, balanced perfectly on her back. 'Skillful' Beta observed internally.

"Yes thank you." He said offering to relieve the burden from her back. He only wished he could relieve the burden from her soul as easily.

"She's... she was here every minute." Fluttershy started looking outside towards Apple Berry as she looked up watching Rainbowdash do something. "She's been... well.. that is to say.. I mean it's a good thing kind of but..." Fluttershy stammered in her usual way when she didn't want to say something ill of someone. "She had to um... put aside her duties at the farm and at the stand." Beta's eyes opened wide. He didn't expect 'every minute' to be literal. The warmth returned in greater measure.

"You must know how she feels about you Beta" she continued. Beta nodded silently, waiting. "I... I.." she stammered. it was as though she wanted to start the conversation but didn't know how. Beta, sadly, did.

"When I was still in 'my world' I saw and did a lot of... unpleasant things." He began. Fluttershy looked up almost tearing with gratitude that she didn't have to start this conversation. "I... I ... we always went to talk to a shrink afterwards... actually only I had to. the others could have their memories erased... I can't" He said as warmly as he could, even though the memory of teh lab made him cold inside. "I'm not sure if I am envious or what for my old team mates... they never had the nightmares I still have..." Beta drifted off.. 'of course not.. they're all dead' he thought sadly.

"They.. I keep seeing the same thing over and over Beta" she said after a few minutes of tense, sad silence. "I wish.." she started then completely falling apart. Tears streaming from those gentle blue eyes. it tore at Beta's soul hat she said next. "I killed Beta"

"It wasn't your fault" Beta tried to say but she interrupted him

"I KILLED WITH MY OWN HOOVES!!!!!" She screamed in complete misery unable to contain even a shred a calm. She was borderline hysterical with grief and self hatred.

"It was Luna, you had no control, no..." but she interrupted him again

"I KILLED POOR SICK PONIES!!!!" She wailed, burying her face in her hooves. "These hooves are for nurturing, for healing, for helping..." she sobbed almost unintelligibly, tears running over her hooves like water runs over stones in a creek.

"You saved me! You helped.. ME!" Beta returned, his voice cracking, his own tears forming. "I'm so sorry .. I'm so so sorry I dragged you up unto the sky Fluttershy!" he barely managed, his own sobbing beginning. He saw more than anyone's share of action. He was a trained killer. he knew those sick ponies were better off dead... cycled. He somehow understood that this meant they could start again, fresh, and hopefully not become sexual predators...and that thought stopped Beta's sobbing and tears cold... "You saved yourself" He said in a very serious tone.

Looking up from her sobbing, her beautiful eyes now red and puffy, her cheek and muzzle furr soaked with her tears. "What do you mean?" she asked

"I needed your help desperately ... I admit maybe I used a cheap trick, but I had so little air in my lungs I could only chitter... use rabbit speak... but.." She looked at him almost accusingly for a moment but Beta pushed on "But.. you were about to be... to be... didn't you get a look at them Fluttershy?" he asked desperately but he couldn't bring himself to say it... 'You were about to be raped!' he thought, then only shook his head.

"I would have died without you Fluttershy" he said finally, tears returning. "You saved my life up there." He paused. He had no more he could say.

"When does the pain go away? When do the memories go away!? I wish I was like your friends and could forget everything!" she said before embracing him, and breaking down into long miserable sobs. The kind of crying a child can only do when in their mother's arms. Beta couldn't being himself to tell her the truth... 'It never goes away'

She cried on him for a quarter of an hour before she finally composed herself. Beta knew what he had to do. It hurt. It hurt him deeper than any pain he'd ever known, and he knew that pain would only increase ten fold when he was done. but he knew now that he had to pay Zacora another visit.