69 Love Stories

Absolutely Cuckoo

Twilight Sparkle and Flash Sentry sat across each other at the restaurant table. There was a glass of wine beside Twilight’s hoof as she nervously fiddled with her napkin.

“To be honest, I never really go on many dates,” she admitted, smiling sheepishly at the handsome stallion before her. Flash sentry laughed a charming laugh, and smiled dazzlingly at the alicorn.

“Twilight, it’s alright. All that matters is that you even wanted to go out on a a date with me,” the stallion said sincerely.

Twilight was taken aback by this. “Why wouldn’t I want to go on a date with you? You’re charming, handsome, and a third thing! That’s all a mare could want.”

“Well, that is true,” Flash Sentry said. “But there’s got to be something rather off putting about me that keeps mares away from me.”

“Flash, I’m a bookish nerd who never bothered with romance,” Twilight told her date. “And now the first date I go on, I get someone like you? I’d say I’m pretty darn lucky. I don’t think that I could find anything off putting about you enough for me to want to end this date. Trust me.”

Flash leaned over the table and rested his hooves on Twilight’s right hoof. He looked her deep in the eyes and smiled. “Thank you, that means so much to me, Twilight. You really have no idea... I’ve been on so many dates, and they all end in disaster... I don’t know why!”

Twilight giggled. “Well, here’s to hoping that this date goes exactly as planned!” The mare levitated her wine glass, and the stallion did the same. They brought their glasses together, and just after the little crystalline clink of their glasses, they each took large gulps of the red wine.

The two didn’t talk for a few moments as an awkward silence permeated the room. Eventually, Flash Sentry cleared his throat and told his date, “Come closer. I‘ve got something to tell you.”

Twilight leaned over the table to get closer to Flash Sentry. The stallion looked around, and then put his muzzle to Twilight’s ear. Twilight waited for a moment as Flash breathed into her ear, and then he spoke.

“I know why so many of my dates end disastrously.”

Twilight cocked an eyebrow. “Why?”

“Because I’m ABSOLUTELY CUKOO!” Flash suddenly yelled. Twilight pulled away from the sudden burst of sound; or rather, she tried, but found that she could not due to Flash Sentry’s tongue being firmly implanted in her ear.

“Um, Flash?” Twilight asked incredulously. The stallion’s tongue retracted back into his mouth in a blink of an eye. Plastered on his face was a smile that would make most mad mares run back to the safety of their padded cells.

“It’s true Twilight,” he said, levitating up a small hammer and slowly banging his horn over and over again with it, not so much as flinching every time it connected with his appendage, “I’m fucking bonkers!”

Twilight opened her mouth to speak, but was silences as the crazy stallion shoved as many breadsticks as he possibly could in her mouth (five).

Flash jumped on the table, and rolled over onto his book, staring up at the Princess with a mouth full of breadstick. One hoof shot out, and caressed her cheek. “You’re so... beautiful...” he softly whimpered. Shooting his other hoof out, he hooked both of them behind her neck and brought Twilight’s head down. The stallion buried his face in her mane, sniffing as deep as he possibly could. “Damn, that’s nice...”

Letting go of Twilight, he rolled onto his stomach, knocking the wine glasses to the floor, where they shattered despite being made of low-grade plastic. Flash Sentry was staring at Twilight, looking past the breadstick stuffed face and directly at those beautiful eyes.

“I want to cut out your eyes and float them in a martini,” he whispered quite seriously. “It would be the perfect way to preserve your beauty indefinitely...”

Twilight tried to make a communication noise with her face hole, but the bread sticks got in the way. Flash Sentry raised a hoof to her mouth to shush her.

“Shh... if you speak, you might want to end the date, and if you end the date, I’ll get depressed, and if I get depressed, I’ll have to kill myself, and if I kill myself, my friends will blame you, and there’s no telling what they’d do to you,” Flash Sentry said in a massive run on sentence.

There was a loud noise from the front of the establishment, and a bunch of ponies in white coats showed up at the table. Flash Sentry looked over at the group in horror, squeaking quietly about rubber ducks.

“You’re coming back to the Asylum, you crazy nutjob!” shouted one of the ponies. Of course, by this time, everypony in the restaurant was looking on in a mixed bag of horror and amusement.

“No, you dingleberry,” another one of the asylum ponies told the coworker who had just spoken. “You need to be gentler than that.” Clearing his throat, he turned to Flash Sentry, who had now wrapped the tablecloth around himself like a blanket and was rocking back and forth whispering lullabies in a very frightened voice with a facial expression to match, and spoke.

“You’re coming back to the happy happy fun house, you crazy nutjob!” he shouted at the demented stallion.

“You’ll never take me alive!” Flash Sentry proclaimed, and he attempted to escape from the mental health ponies. Alas, in this task he failed, as time and time again history has proven that when wrapped in a tablecloth it is very hard to flee from figures of authority.

Falling onto the floor with a dull fwump Flash Sentry tried to roll away to the freedom of the front doors. A large pony in one of the lab coats stopped him, and put an XXL-sized straightjacket around the patient and the ball of tablecloth that surrounded him.

As the Asylum workers rolled the crazy stallion away, the owner of the restaurant leapt from the kitchen, saucepan waving around in his magical aura. “Hey, you gotta pay for that tablecloth!”

“We’re the government, we don’t have to pay for jack shit!” yelled back one of the mental health workers as they left through the front door.

Twilight Sparkle chewed up the breadsticks in her mouth, swallowed, and stared after the group wistfully. “What a shame. I felt like we really had a connection.”