I Don't Believe In The Sun

True Strike levitated the bouquet of flowers next to his nose, and he inhaled deeply. The scent was marvelous; truly, his beloved would enjoy this gift he was to present to her.

True Strike was a unicorn stallion who worked in the royal guard. After spending so much time working with Celestia, he couldn’t help but hopelessly fall for her.

Now here he was, getting ready to ask her out. Even though she was the immortal princess of the entire country, and he was but a unicorn from the lower parts of Canterlot, yet something told him that their love was meant to be.

Entering the throne room, Celestia was sitting there drinking a cup of tea, because Celestia does literally nothing else than drink tea all the fucking time. True Strike walked up to the Princess, and pushed his nervousness to the back of his mind. This was the moment he had been waiting forever to enjoy.

Celestia took notice of the advancing pony. “Hello, True Strike,” she said pleasantly. “Your shift isn’t for another three hours, but I am pleased to see you all the same.”

“Celestia!” he said excitedly. “Teacher! Mother! Secret lover...”

Celestia cocked an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”

“Erm...” True Striked cleared his throat. “I mean, I’m pleased to see you too, your highness!” True Strike noticed he was stammering slightly. Correcting this spoke once more. “I need to ask you something.”

“Rest assured that you can ask me anything, my loyal guard,” Celestia told the unicorn. True strike swallowed hard, and smiled.

“Well, I was wondering...” True Strike stopped, his mouth suddenly going dry. “If we— if you could— if I...”

Celestia cocked her head inquiringly. True Wish saw this, and giggled nervously. “I just don’t know how to say this, but...” he took a deep breath, and voiced what was on his mind.

“I’ve spent a lot of time on the royal guard, with you, Princess. I never thought that I would actually be able to meet the Princess that we were all taught so much about growing up, and you turned out to be just as great as I imagined, and more! You’re beautiful, kind, and you rule the country so well... really, you’re just all around amazing. What I’m getting to here is...” True Strike levitated his bouquet towards Celestia, whose expression hadn’t changed. “Will you be my special somepony?”

Celestia’s eyes filled with the look of pity one gives when observing a retard trying to push open a door clearly labeled "pull".

“True Strike, I am very flattered, but I am afraid I must let you down. As your Princess, and as the pony you guard, it would be both unprofessional and immoral for me to be your special somepony,” Celestia told him gently. True Strike’s flowers wilted.

“In addition, I have kept myself from taking a special somepony,” she continued. “I am immortal, and I would outlive anypony who attempted to court me. I am so terribly sorry, but I simply cannot be who you want me to be.”

True Strike looked down, nodding slowly. “Yeah, yeah... I get it. I’m sorry for asking, Princess, it wasn’t my place.”

Celestia lifted a hoof to True Strike, and place it on his shoulder. “You are still one of the finest guards that I have on the force here, and I am lucky to entrust my life to you.”

True Strike nodded yet again. “Thank you Princess. I will be back for my shift.”

The pony left his princess, and walked out of the Canterlot Palace. He walked the lonely road down the friendless cobblestones, descending to the main city of Canterlot.

“Lonely and heartbroken, eh?” came a voice. True Strike looked all around him, confused. Where was that voice coming from? “Well, I know what’ll cheer you up!”

Suddenly, a douchy looking human jumped out from behind a barrel, playing a song on his electric guitar. “I walk this lonely road, the only road that I have ever known...”

“Go the fuck away, Billy Joe Armstrong, I’m not in the mood,” the rejected unicorn said, levitating a nearby barrel and smashing it into the rock star.

True Strike wandered down the road, moping to himself about how his love life wasn’t ever going to take off. If the Princess who was supposed to unconditionally love all of her subjects didn’t love him, then who would?

“I’m not sure I even believe in you, you stupid sun,” he said, starting up at provider of light and warmth. Sadly he forgot that staring at the sun has pretty nasty consiquences.

“Gah! My retinas!” he shouted in agony, drawing his eyes away from the giant ball of light in the sky. Cursing his luck further, he continued down the road.

“Is anyone as unlucky as I?” he wondered aloud.

“Extra extra! Fourteen dead in horrible Asylum breakout!” shouted a nearby news pony. True Strike gave the news pony a glare, and decided to retake a previous course of action. The barrel landed squarely in the middle of the news pony’s face, sending him flying backwards. It was in this moment of satisfaction, however, that True Strike realized something amazing.

“I can solve all my problems by throwing barrels at them!” he said excitedly. Gathering as many barrels as he possibly could, he rushed home to being his problem solving.

He glared at the piles of unwashed dishes. Throwing a barrel at them, they shattered, solving his problem and proving his point. Now that that was taken care of, he set to what he had planned on doing before. Dressing up one of his barrels like a mare, he made sweet love to her.

“Ah... that was great,” True Strike said, smoking a cigarette while spooning his barrel-lover. There came a knock from his door, and the guard set off to czech who it was.

“Tex collector!” a green earth pony announced when he opened the door. A swiftly hefted barrel solved this problem, and the unicorn was heading back for round two with his new companion when an idea struck him.

Having a short passionate make-out with his barrel, True Strike loaded himself up with ammunition and headed up towards the Canterlot Palace. Picking splinters out of his tongue as he progressed, he giggled to himself knowing that his problems would finally be ogre.

Celestia was drinking her seventy-second cup of tea when a familiar feeling struck her. She turned to her her guard currently on duty and told him eloquently, “Excuse me please, I must relieve myself to go attend to royal business.”

“Do what, your highness?” asked the guard. He was an earth pony, so intelligence was not his strong suite.

“That means I have to take a piss,” she put less eloquently. Celestia left to the royal latrines. Settling down on the toilet, she closed the door and got ready for the sweet relief.

“TAKE THIS YOU BITCH!” shouted True Strike, who had been hiding behind the door. He threw not one, not two, not three—

Oh, my mistake. He threw three barrels at Celestia, each hitting her squarely in the face. The Princess screamed in pain as the rogue unicorn cackled in glee.

“Any last words?” the executioner asked not three hours later, True Strike’s head resting in the guillotine slot.

“Yes,” True Strike saying. “I cannot be executed, for my special somebarrel is pregnant!”

A hush fell over the crowd, and slowly everypony in the crowed parted to reveal a barrel. One of the guards went over and opened the top of the barrel. “Yup, there’s a fetus in here all right!”

Celestia, her muzzle bandaged, rolled her blackened eyes. “Being an expecting father does not guarantee safety from executions, and besides, that could be ANYPONY’S fetus!” A small barrel shot out from the larger barrel, and knocked out one of Celestia’s teeth.

Celestia scowled. “Kill him now,” she instructed the executioner.

“That’s my boy,” True Strike said with tears of happiness in his eyes as the blade slide quickly down towards his neck.

Author's Note