Ponecific Rim

The gargantuan pony charged, plowing its way through the water with ease as it closed in on the bipedal robot that stood in its path. As it neared it let loose a whinny that chilled Nicolas to his very bones. He felt nothing but terror as the beast drew near, and the only thing keeping him from attempting to flee was his connected to Keanu. His calm and unwavering resolve, gained from countless kung-fu fights, was like an oasis in Nicolas' otherwise-torrential feelings, and kept him rooted to the spot.

They did nothing but stare down the oncoming pony as it rapidly closed in on them, waiting for the opportune moment. Then, but a few seconds before it collided with them, they made their move. Servos roared into action and the Jaegar's right arm went from zero to sixty like a rocket cheetah. Retarded Tree Kicker could only stare like a deer in headlights at the oncoming attack, having built up too much momentum to stop. The huge, metal fist made contact, colliding directly with her cheek. Had they been recording with a high-speed camera, they would have caught a brilliant picture of Tree Kicker's face distorting and spittle flying from her lips as the fist worked its way from cheek to shining cheek. The punch was enough to knock her off her hooves, and with all her momentum, she crashed headlong into the ocean to Nazi Promqueen’s right, making a wave that would put even Hurricane Katrina to shame.

Taking a few steps back, and getting into a combat-ready stance once again, they waited for the pony to resurface, watching the torrent of bubbles coming up next to her floating, dislodged hat to see where she was. It was only a few second until she pushed her way out of the relatively-shallow water, standing at her full height. Despite being on all fours, she was still nearly as tall as the Jaegar. What’s more, now she looked pissed. Even more so than before. Her muzzle was twisted into an angry scowl, and her eyes seemed to channel the very essence of hatred as they locked onto Nazi Promqueen’s visor.

With a growl and a quick buck of her back legs she was lunging at them. Nicolas and Keanu were ready, though. They stood their ground, prepared to once again deter her with one well-placed blow. Unfortunately, the charge wasn’t carried out as they expected. Once she was no more than a step and a half away from them, she turned on her front legs, her body swiveling around until her rear faced them. They instantly knew what was coming next as bucking was one of the most common pony fighting techniques.

They dodged back as quickly as they could, watching as her meaty and tender flanks resonated with raw power, the muscles working in tandem to propel her hardened leg-tips at them with such speed. Wow. Despite taking a step back, one of the legs still made contact at the edge of its trajectory, shearing a swath of metal from the Jaegar’s chest plate with ease. Had they been any slower the damage from that kick would have no doubt been lethal.

Retarded Tree Kicker looked back as she let her back legs fall into the water, seeing her opponent relatively-unharmed by her poorly-aimed strike. She snarled, a rage only a retard could ever fathom tainting her vision with red as she prepared to attack again. She turned and lunged at the Jaegar, spinning around to deliver another, hopefully-more-effective, buck into her enemy’s center of mass.

It didn’t go quite as she expected as the mech, seeing the attack coming this time, easily ducked under her legs. Now they had her right where they wanted her. The Jaegar’s left arm reached up and grabbed onto Retarded Tree Kicker’s legs, curling around them and holding them close to its shoulder, ensuring that she couldn’t dodge away while it hooked its right arm upwards into the pony’s exposed belly.

Despite the layer of muscle covering her abdomen, Retarded Tree Kicker let out a surprised whinny as she was struck. She tried to wiggle out of the robot’s grip, but it was no use as punch after punch was delivered into her soft, rub-able, adorable tummy. Her pained whinnying was cut short as she felt bile rising in the back of her throat and within a moment her brunch, composed primarily out of apples and apple products, ejected from her throat into the sea.

Nicolas could only gag at the disgusting sight, leaving him surprised when the pony suddenly collapsed forward, no longer supporting herself with her front legs. The Jaegar’s great strength quickly waned as the pony’s substantial weight pushed down on them, and their legs buckled. They collapsed to their knees, dropping Retarded Tree Kicker into the water where she once again landed with a resounding splash.

This time, she was much quicker to bolt out of the water, her rage and pain spurring her on. She felt only the desire to murder the Jaegar that stood in her way, and purge this world of its disgusting little inhabitants. A desire implanted by Celestia herself. She shot from the water and impacted the momentarily-immobilized mech with her front hooves. Nicolas let out a shocked cry as his whole world was flipped on its side. The mech flew a short distance before landing on its back in the water, its armor managing to take most of the impact with only a few giant-hoof-sized dents to show for it.

Without wasting a second, they pushed back up onto their knees, easily spotting the huge orange pony as she was already barreling down on them. Nicolas Cage barely managed to raise the left arm of the Jaegar, blocking a powerful blow that came from her right foreleg. They reeled slightly from the force of the hit, but managed to remain upright as Applejack swung at them again, this time with her other foreleg. Keanu had raised his arm in an instant, grabbing onto her leg just above the hoof and redirecting the blow away from them.

This left her right side exposed, and Nicolas Cage was quick to follow through with an upper cut so wicked, Jesus had to die for our sins twice as hard because of it. The gargantuan metal fist came in like a wrecking ball, impacting her bottom jaw. The sound of bones shattering echoed for miles around and her face was forced upwards. It quickly sprung down as she once again glared at them with her maw hanging open. Not even a broken jaw could stop her.

Unfortunately, she would have to deal with more than a broken jaw as Keanu followed through with the crazy combo attack, taking advantage of her shock. He dropped hold of her right leg as his arm rocketed forward, literally propelled by rockets, and ‘boop’ed her on the nose with the force of an An-225 crashing into her face.

Her snout caved in, fountains of blood spewing from her nostrils like the pervert in any generic anime. She let loose a pained gurgle from her desecrated face as she slumped forward into the drink. Trying to capitalize on their opponent’s pain, they leaned forward, ready to grab onto her mane and deliver a whole new world of punches upon her, when, to their surprise, her tail whipped around. It thwapped them right in the visor, creating a spider web of cracks across their reinforced visor and knocking their head back. With all the speed of a cobra, it smacked them again a moment later sending them reeling. They took a few steps back before managing to stabilize.

Taking a defensive stance once again they watched as the pony stood back up. Its face was smashed in like a horrible rubber ducky, and blood poured from its partially-detached bottom jaw. Still, it wasn’t out of the fight yet. Not even close. Its tail, showing surprising dexterity, reached over and grabbed its hat from where it floated, tossing it atop its head before grabbing the rope that was coiled up inside.

“Why the fuck does it have a rope?” Questioned Nicolas. “And for that matter, why does it have a hat?”

“Why does the tide go in and out?” Answered Keanu with a question of his own. At the confused look from his partner, he decided to go on. “Some things just can’t be explained.”

Their conversation was abruptly ended as the rope wound its way around their arm, fastening around their wrist. Somehow, while they were distracted, the pony had managed to make a knot with the rope, swing it with her tail, and grab onto their arm. She pulled her tail back, nearly pulling them over forward in the process before they managed to catch themselves.

“Well, that’s certainly going to make things a bit more difficult. What beats ropes?” Wondered Nicolas. It was at that point when true enlightenment came to him, and he looked down on the nearby console. His eyes lit up as he spotted exactly what they needed in this situation. “Oh yeah, we have arm blades!”

He reached out and pushed the button, and a long, thin blade erected from both of the Jaegar’s wrists. The blades shone crimson, glistening with fresh oil before a trail of electricity ran from base to tip, igniting them and making them look easily eight times cooler. A simply swipe was all it took to sever the rope, and Nazi Promqueen once again took a fighting stance as it squared off against Retarded Tree Kicker, its electrical-fire-blades held before it.

Even with her retard brain, Applejack felt fear at the impressive weapons, and briefly considered just running away. Unfortunately that wasn’t in the cards, not for her.

Not waiting for the pony to take the initiative this time, Nicolas and Keanu jumped forward with an impressive battle cry, ready to eviscerate this pony in Satan’s glorious name. Applejack responded the only way she could. She swung her tail out like a grotesque, mammalian scorpion, trying to bat them away. They raised their arms, easily blocking the blow and conflagrating her tail at the same time. Her eyes widened as her glorious tail went up in flames like a pile of dry straw.

She shook it around in panic as it burned with all the force of a disco inferno, thick clouds of back smoke and the stench of burning hair filling the air. After a few seconds of panic, she finally got her feeble wits together and plunged her tail into the water, drowning out the flames. Unfortunately, a burning tail was the least of her concerns at the moment, and while she was distracted, Nazi Promqueen had moved around to her left. Her ears swiveled as she caught the unmistakable sound of heavy servos kicking into gear and she turned her head at the last second.

She could only widen her eyes as the blade came down on her neck, cutting a deep swath through its muscular side and eventually coming to a rest halfway through her wind pipe. She gagged, a fresh flow of blood spilling from between her buck teeth.

After a moment, the Jaegar tried to pull its arm back, only to find that it was stuck in the cauterized flesh. A few more attempts caused the blade to come free, and they once again swung downward, this time slicing all the way through to the bottom. Applejack continued to gag, somehow still alive despite having her head almost completely cleaved from her torso, showing how durable she was. That is until they swung for the third and final time, rending the small hunk of meat that still remained in tact. Applejack’s head fell free of her body, dropping into the water as her corpse went completely limp.

Nicolas, being the crazy son of a bitch that he is, fished her head from its murky grave and set it atop their own Jaegar head like a macabre hat, basking in his victory and reveling in the sight of blood trickling down their visor.

“Do you think the general will let us wear her skin like a suit?” He asked Keanu.

Keanu didn’t show his enthusiasm, but he really hoped so. That’d be totally rad.