Inhuman

Chapter 2: Twilight Sparkle's Diplomacy

"Humans?  What are those?

The odd pink pony in front of him said those four words in response to his question, and Zachary's mind went blank.  Not what he was expecting, but considering he had already dropped into a world where small, technicolor ponies exist, he supposed it was possible.

"Calm down... calm down.  Maybe this pink pony just lives very, very far away from any human civilization.  It's possible that they never come into contact with humans because they're so far away from them," he thought.

It was a possibility, but at this point he was probably just kidding himself.

Before Zachary had a panic attack though, he needed to act fast.  He felt a few lumps in his pocket; he hadn't brought his cell phone or any other technology with him, but he had at least something in his pocket.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a lighter, and grinned.  Exactly what he needed.  There were three other lumps in his pocket.

Zachary reached into his other pocket, pulling out what looked like a long, brown stick.  Pinkie Pie was looking at it with abject curiosity, "oohing" in childlike wonder.  When he waved it around and Pinkie glanced at the green leaflike material inside the hollowed out middle, she oohed even louder.

He laughed outloud when he noticed that she was getting all excited over a blunt.  Maybe he liked this pony after all.

Zachary stuck the blunt between his lips, raising the lighter closer to his mouth and lighting the marijuana on the end of it.  The blunt began to burn, and he waited for the sweet weed to work its magic.

He took the blunt from between his lips, and blew a fat cloud of smoke.  Pinkie's grin wavered as the human stood there in silence.

As more time went on, the serious look on his face devolved into a relaxed smile.

"Man, no humans around here.  That's cool, I guess..." he said in a lower voice.  He suddenly decided he was tired of standing, and collapsed onto the forest floor and sat there.

He laughed.

"This welcome party of yours sounds real nice, Pinkie.  Is there gonna be food there?" Zach asked the pink pony.  He didn't seem really concerned about the fact that a pink pony was talking to him anymore.

Pinkie perked up at this.

"Yes!  Of course!  I mean, what kinda party doesn't have yummy food?  There'll be dancing and games and yummy treats and cake and ice cream!  Just like a party should have!"

"Man, Pinkie.... bro.  I could really use some food right now, so why don't ya just take me back to the Ponyville place and we'll chill at this party..." the high young man said.

Pinkie beamed.  She didn't even really notice the change that had occurred in Zachary's attitude.

"Okey dokey lokey!"

"What in the hay is that?"

Twilight's mouth went dry when she saw the creature in the woods, and the fact that her friend Pinkie Pie was standing right next to it, animatedly chatting with it, was secondary to her.

It seemed to resemble a monkey in some ways, but it was clear that it was very different than any monkey that she had seen or read about.

For starters, from what she could tell at this distance, it was almost completely hairless, save for a short, scruffy mane on its head and some light smatterings of fur along its forelegs and back-legs.

She couldn't really see anything from this distance in the dark, even with her horn lit up.  The only other thing she could really see was the way it stood on two legs with absolutely no difficulty.  It didn't even have a tail, so how it managed that was beyond her.

As she worked the appearance of the creature over, the gears turned on within Twilight's head, pitting her memory against what she saw.  She recalled multiple books she had read on unique animals and mythological creatures, and she scanned her memory for something even remotely resembling what she was seeing.

She came up with nothing.

"Hey, get away from PInkie Pie.... you... you... thing!" Rainbow Dash roared, darting ahead at full speed.  Twilight's mouth went even drier as she was unprepared for it, but after a second or two she managed to find her voice.

"Rainbow Dash, stop!"

Too late.

The creature seemed to have a relaxed look on its face, but when it saw Rainbow Dash barreling towards it, a look of fear crossed its beady little eyes, and it held up its.... appendages in alarm.

Twilight winced as there was a thud of impact as Rainbow Dash collided with the unprepared creature, sending it sprawling to the ground.

The purple unicorn shook her head free of thoughts, her heart pounding in her ears as she galloped as fast as she could up to her friends and the creature, hoping that nothing disastrous had occurred when Dash had attacked the creature.

"What are you doing?  Stop it!" a male voice rang out.  Rainbow Dash's disturbance had apparently bothered Pinkie Pie quite a bit, because the characteristic smile was no longer on the party pony's face as she waved her hooves around frantically.

"Dashie!  What are you doing?!  This is our super special guest "Welcome to Ponyville" pony.  Even though he's not a pony, we still need to make him feel welcome like one!"

"Welcome nothing!  That huge explosion coming from the forest was caused by you, wasn't it?  What is something like you doing out here?!" Rainbow Dash said, wrestling with the creature on the ground.

Twilight arrived at the scene after a good sprint, panting slightly for breath.  Her horn glowed magenta, and a similar colored force field enveloped around Dash's body.

Rainbow Dash herself didn't notice that she was getting caught by Twilight's magic, until the purple unicorn began to forcefully lift her off the creature.

"Hey!  Twilight, what are you doing?!" she cried indignantly.  Twilight released her magic, allowing Dash to flop back onto the ground.

"Man, what's wrong with you technicolor, talking ponies?  I'm just tryin' to get along here and get some help, and Skittles over there attacks me out of the blue!  What's with that, huh?" the creature spoke up, its voice a little bit dazed.

"S-Skittles!" Rainbow Dash piped up in anger, rising to her feet.  "My name's not Skittles!  It's Rainbow Dash, the fastest flyer in all of Equestria!  You got some nerve talkin' to me like that."

"Rainbow Dash..."  Twilight said dangerously, her eye twitching.  Her mind was already working out that the creature was talking, but her prismatic friend wasn't helping matters much.

The gears began to turn within Twilight's head again.  If this creature was talking, then it was obviously intelligent.  She had never seen a creature like this, but as it was it seemed lost and confused in this forest.  The fact that Rainbow Dash had just attacked it probably also didn't help matters. Nevertheless, there was also the matter of the explosion, and this unknown creature's origins.

Naturally, it was Twilight's role to take up the diplomatic mission.

She cleared her throat.

"Hello!" she said, trying to sound as polite and cheerful as she could possibly be.  The creature looked up at her, abject curiosity in its eyes.  It talked, and it didn't seem close to attacking her, so the purple unicorn figured she was safe talking to it.

"My name is Twilight Sparkle, representative of Princess Celestia of Equestria and librarian of the Golden Oak Library in Ponyville!"

It continued to stare.

"As a local scholar, I can safely say that I have never seen one such as yourself.  Let it be known that as long as you are accommodating, you are always welcome in Ponyville.  May I ask your name?" she asked politely.

The creature drew itself to its knee, and Twilight cringed as she noticed the odd angle in which it sat.  It looked... painful.  It sat on its rump with its back-legs crossed over, with its back tilted at an odd angle and its forelegs flopping around in mid-air.  Then, it grinned at her.

"Zachary Cricket.  But you can just call me Zach, purpley pony..." he chuckled.  Twilight raised an eyebrow, and noted the slightly vacant look in his eyes.

Yes, his eyes.  The voice was distinctly male, but she had to admit she didn't know the vocal patterns for this particular species.  Since he sounded male, she would refer to him as a male for the time being until she could collect more information.

"A whole new species that I don't know about!  This is going to be so exciting!  She couldn't to find out more.  If she were lucky, this was a wholly undiscovered species that lived deep within the woods of Equestria, and she would be the first to document it!  Likewise, it could just be some extremely obscure species that was already written down.  Less exciting, but she still got to learn something new at least.

"Strange name, though..." she couldn't help but think to herself.

"Okay then, Zach...  Would you-" she was cut off by the rainbow-maned pegasus who had gotten right up close to his face, beginning to heckle him.

"Yeah, I got a couple questions for you too.... Zach.  What was something like you doing out in the woods in the middle of the night?" she asked in an accusatory tone.

"Well, I-"

"And, what was the explosion that happened out here?  Were you the one who did that?  What ARE you anyway?"

"Uh..."

"Not to mention- HEY!" she was cut off again as Twilight grasped Dash's tail in her mouth and began dragging her away from the creature.

"Eh heh heh, excuse us for a second..." Twilight said awkwardly, dragging Dash away until she assumed they were out of earshot.

When she assumed Zachary couldn't hear them anymore, Twilight hissed at her friend.

"What do you think you're doing?" she asked angrily.  Rainbow Dash stared at her.

"Don't tell me you trust this thing?!  Just look at it!" Dash whispered.  Zachary had apparently turned his attention on something else.

"That's beside the point, Rainbow.  Ponyville has an obligation to welcome all sentient creatures, regardless of their appearance or background.  I'm just trying to be polite... and also..." she leaned over in a hushed whisper.

"I don't want to scare him off.  I don't know where he came from, but this could be an entirely new species!  Think of the scientific breakthroughs this could accomplish.  Another sentient species discovered!"

"But, what about the explosion!  You don't think that explosion happening and then this thing appearing was all just an act of luck, huh?" Dash replied.

Twilight sighed.

"No, I don't.  But, we have no proof of anything, and even if it was true, it does not indicate that this creature is in any way dangerous.  We have to wait until we get more information on the subject before we begin to point hooves..."

Dash looked desperate.

"Twilight, please.  Don't invite this thing back into Ponyville with us.  I'm way too awesome to admit this... but... but..." she trailed off.

"... I have a bad feeling about this thing.  There's something about it that just seems... off to me.  I don't know how to explain it.  And take a look at it.  I tackled it to the ground and must've hit it half a dozen times, but there's not a single scratch on it!  Call it a hunch, but I think we should leave this thing out here."

Twilight wasn't amused.

"A hunch?  That's it?  Rainbow, you shouldn't fall for such silly superstitions.  There's nothing to indicate that he should be left out here, regardless of how you feel on the subject...  And..."

As the two argued, Twilight felt she had forgotten something.  Something important.  Pinkie had been uncharacteristically quiet during the whole ordeal.

There came another bang, and Twilight instantly felt a stone drop into her stomach.  Pinkie Pie had found her party cannon again, and had fired off a shot of confetti right into Zachary's face.

"Pinkie Pie!  What are you doing?!"

"Oh, you girls were getting so boring with all your questions and stuff!  So, I decided that Zachy here didn't need to be bored while he's getting his Welcome to Ponyville party!" Pinkie exclaimed.

Twilight fumed.

"Pinkie Pie, we are not having a Welcome to Ponyville party in the middle of the night!" Twilight ordered, to which Pinkie pouted.

"Awwwww, why not?"

"Well, I'd imagine that Zach's very confused as to what he's doing here, and a little disoriented from the earlier explosion.  The best course of action would be to head back into Ponyville and get settled back down..."

"Aww, I don't mind, Sparky..." Zach blurt out.  "In fact, I want that party now, cuz I heard that there's gonna be food and stuff, heheh..." he said dumbly.

Twilight's eye twitched, while Pinkie burst out laughing at Twilight's new nickname.

"Sparky?!" Twilight thought in offense, before she snorted.

"No, you two will not cause a ruckus in the middle of the night!  And that's final!" she demanded bossily, to which the pink pony and displaced human whined.

Rainbow Dash giggled slightly, before she remembered she was supposed to be untrustworthy of the human.

"Hey, Twilight!  I just realized something!  Where's it gonna stay for the night.  I'm definitely not gonna take him in, if that's what you're wondering.  Don't tell me you're gonna let him stay at the library tonight..."

Twilight flinched.  She was excited when it came to learning about this new guest, but letting a potentially unknown creature stay in her house was a little much, especially with Spike there.  Still, she couldn't just leave him out there lost, and with this chance...

"You know what, Dash, that's exactly what I'm going to do!  Zach can stay with me tonight!" Twilight said proudly, to the surprise of Dash.  She got a little smug pride out of accepting her friend's challenges.

Dash looked affronted.

"Fine, whatever!  Just don't blame me when he ends up trying to eat you in your sleep!" she said indignantly, before taking off at full speed, ignoring Twilight's shouts.

"Dash, wait!" she called out, before she gave an exasperated sigh and turned back to the others.

"Alright... Pinkie!" she called the pink pony to attention.

"I'm really only doing this to settle you down, but we really can't hold a party for Zach right now.  But, I promise that we'll have one the first chance we can!  Okay, Pinkie?" she bargained.

Pinkie pondered it for a second.

"Hmm, okey dokey lokey!" she said cheerfully.  Twilight and Zach took their eyes off her for just one second, and then she was gone.

"Hey, where'd Chicken Pot Pie go?" Zach asked.

Twilight sighed for what seemed like the millionth time.

"Don't ask.  You'll get used to that crazy pony doing things like that.  Now..." she trailed off.  "let's get back to Ponyville now; we have a lot of things to talk about on the way."

The high from the weed had already completely wore off.

"Ugh, what was I even doing with that?  I really shouldn't be smoking weed at a time like this; it will make me even more out of touch with reality..." Zachary thought to himself.

When the astronaut came crashing down to Earth, his mood went with it as well.  He supposed he lit one up so he could relieve himself of the stress of the situation, but he had gotten too relaxed around that pink pony afterwards.

Thankfully, the weed had prevented him from freaking out over the fact that there were no humans here, and the talking ponies of all things had never even heard of them.

Now that the weed had worn off, he was finally able to think about these things, and actually be worried about his future.  He looked over to the side; somehow he had found himself walking back to a town of miniature talking ponies with a purple unicorn by his side, stealing glances at him every once in a while.

During his high, he remembered this purple pony coming up and talking to him, something about being a representative of a Princess or something.

What confused him was the fact that she didn't freak out at the sight of him.  If this was in his world, any talking creature other than a human would've not gone over well.  But she talked to him like it was nothing, like the species differences didn't exist.

This purple pony, Twilight he remembered her name was, seemed to notice that the two of them kept stealing glances at each other.  She smiled nervously, hoping to break the ice.

"So..."  she seemed almost embarrassed to ask the question.

"I've never seen anything like you before!  What are you?" she, and Zachary could see the glint of curiosity and wonder in her eyes.  Didn't she mention she was a librarian?

"A bookworm, no doubt.  She's probably jumping over the chance to learn about some creature she's never seen before, I bet...

He didn't vocalize these thoughts, and rather just snorted.  Twilight winced.

"Oh, I'm sorry!  That must've been pretty rude, actually!" she blurted out hastily, trying to apologize as best as she could.  Zachary sighed.

"It's fine.  I don't mind.  To answer your question, I'm a human.  Haven't you ever heard of us before?"

"No, I can't say I have...  Is your species a secluded race from far up north or something?" Twilight said sheepishly, before she asked that question.  It seemed to make the most sense to her at least.

He shook his head.

"I don't think so.  I've never heard of anything like you ponies before.  Where I come from, ponies don't talk or have horns and wings.  They're just... ponies, I guess..."

Twilight's eyes widened, and she twitched.  That wasn't possible...

"WHAT?" she screamed shrilly, making Zachary cringe.

"This place, too.  I've never heard of any such country called "Equestria" or whatnot.  I don't know where on Earth a place could support a country of talking ponies..."

"WHAT?" Twilight shouted again.  This time she latched onto one particular tidbit of information in that sentence.

"Earth... what's Earth.  Is that where you come from?  I can safely say I've never heard of a place called Earth..." Twilight explained.

Zachary looked strikingly calm when he was told that information.

"I realized that I probably wasn't even on Earth anymore when that pink pony told me she had never even heard of humans before.  We've dominated practically every square inch of that planet; there's no way..."

At this point, Twilight's head was close to exploding.

"Planet?  You're not talking about the planet Equus, are you?  There's definitely not one species alone that dominates the entire surface of it.  With the Zebras, Dragons, and Griffins, how could there be?"

Now it was Zachary's turn to blow a head-gasket.

"Dragons?  Griffins?  Okay, I'm *definitely** not on Earth anymore.  It's like I dropped straight into some fairy tale book with all these mythological creatures around...*"

Twilight was done asking questions, for now at least.  She broke out into a full gallop, calling out to him.

"Come on!  We need to get back into Ponyville and into the library pronto!  If you are what I think you are, then this could be the discovery of the century!  I need to get back there and consult my material!  Oooh, I have so many more questions to ask you!" she yelled frantically, urging the human to follow her.

Zachary looked at Twilight disappearing into the distance, breaking into a light run to follow her towards Ponyville.  However, after a few seconds, he stopped.

His stance went rigid, his fists balling by his sides.  He stood there for a few more seconds, staring into the distance with a vacant look in his eyes.