Chapter One: Caffeine And Cravings

Twilight Sparkle woke up knowing one thing for certain: everything was going to be fine.

Or more accurately, everything should be fine, depending on the variables of Rainbow, Pinkie, and well... all of her friends, including herself. One could never have enough contingency plans when alcohol was involved. Plans always fell apart when they came in contact with the enemy, and in the chaos, one had to improvise.

Sadly, improvising and ethanol happened to be mortal enemies. It was a duel to the death that was oh so fun to partake in. Should I be concerned that my friends convinced me to start drinking? she thought. Well, at least it's not cocaine! It was a slippery slope argument that she'd have to debate at a future time.

Twilight had never drank before she came to Ponyville, much like many of the pleasures in life she had only learned in the last few years. Many of them were of a more innocent nature. Picnics, joking around with her friends about their work weeks, the silliness of Pinkie Pie, what stupidity Rainbow Dash had trotted into, and inadvertently turning a normal day into a world saving adventure. Despite her more naive self that was fading into the past, screaming of a childhood innocence ruined, sometimes it didn’t hurt to explore things. Besides, she had grown up quite a bit thanks to her fillyfriends, in the ways she needed the most. She had also become used to the insanity and ever increasing amounts of immaturity that occurred around her.

It was a fair trade. Baring any migraines that said stupidity often induced. Stupidity and Twilight Sparkle were also mortal enemies. It would be the war that would kill her in the end.

The twilight colored unicorn brushed through her nearly twilight colored mane with her kind of twilight colored brush, humming a fast paced metal ballad that would have surely made her friend Rainbow Dash whinny in glee. She wasn't an avid fan of the rampant power metal Rainbow Dash called music, but sometimes it just encapsulated the mood of the day. As it stood, this Sunday deserved her optimism. And pessimism. It was a good thing she could lock the later away.

Sunday was the day off - minus any critical research that needed to be done in case a discovery was lost forever - for her, and the day she planned an open schedule with her friends, no matter what. The importance of this Sunday however, was that once a month, something very special happened; it was the day that Twilight Sparkle and her girlfriends cut loose, and simply enjoyed being young adults with the help of a very potent, and very mythical chemical. Sometimes, being tipsy made all the problems in the world melt away. At least until the morning.

She kept the library open late for ponies who sought to snag some books during their off time, and Spike didn’t mind it much having to cover for her on these special days. I pay him extra for it, she thought to herself, trotting down to the kitchen. Triple chocolate ice cream reallyisn’t that expensive of a bribe, so it’s not like he’s suffering or anything!

She paused for a moment as she finished the final step. So here I am, concerned about his eating habits, and I’m bribing him with ice cream for my own free time. He knows I need it too, but I could at least give him something else! Why did I immediately go with the ice cream last year when this deal started? How can I be a good big sister to him if I don’t stick up to my own standards!

Her lungs inhaled and exhaled in the manner Cadance had taught her. I need some tea, she concluded. It’s just once a month, and I’m excited and frantic because I’m suffering from caffeine withdrawal. Everything is going to be fine.

Caffeine was indeed the solution. The moment she poured her thick drought of chai into her thermos and took a deep, hot sip, was when her mind relaxed just from the placebo effect. The simple ritual of making the substance was a way to calm her thoughts and, for once, not process information to the point of exhaustion.

When she thought about it, maybe the rice puffs she snacked on during her study hours also helped make her days more bearable. The cheddar powdered ones, of course, as the normal ones were disgustingly bland. It’s not like they were awful for her or anything.

And maybe the baked sour cream and onion chips helped too. They were better than the processed garbage, so it wasn’t like she should feel guilty or anything. Low in fat as well.

And maybe the mini chocolate chip cookies Pinkie made that she didn't even bother to chew; she simply let them melt on her tongue, feeling the bread disintegrate around her mouth, the chocolate ooze over her lips, and the taste tickle her throat. Okay, those weren't great for her, but Pinkie used some high quality sugar, and it wasn't like she ate the whole snout sized bag in one sitting. Usually. Maybe sometimes over a night of critical studying that resulted in her sleeping all through the morning and afternoon, she might, but those moments were few and far between. Usually.

And maybe it was the brown sugar cinnamon rolls Pinkie made that were covered in maple syrup and roasted pecans. Those definitely helped with a long night of studying. With Twilight’s magic, she could peel them apart perfectly along the grooves, seeing the glittering crystals of melted sugar and glazed cinnamon merging together in a manner that made her shiver when she thought about it. How the pecans crunched and that maple syrup-

This,could be why I’m over two hundred for the first time in my life, she mentally groaned.I was once one eighty seven before I came here, and *now** I’m around two o’ two! I’m too young to have a midlife weight gain! But at least it’s a very solid number. But it’s too* highof a number! My BMI simply isn’t meant to be this, although that isn’t always a reliable source of information either. What do I do? I-

“Damn it,” she cursed, despite her best intentions not too. Gods and demons barely phased her anymore, but the thought of being above average in weight simply was not an acceptable outcome. Her horn flared sharply around the thermos, contemplating the tickling urge to crush the metal into a ball and throw it through her fridge for the sake of destructive delight. “Caffeine withdrawal," she said steadily to herself. "You’re supposed to curb hunger, not make me all jittery and want to binge eat.”

Except... that’s what caffeine can do, her logical mind replied. It *is** a hunger suppressant, but the nervousness could inadvertently lead toward food cravings, and you haven't exactly been known for stress control under non-world ending events.*

“I didn’t ask for your clarification right now!” she shouted to herself, stomping a forehoof onto the floor of her kitchen. "If I wanted to psychoanalyze myself I'd ask for your help! Stay out of this."

So you're asking us to stop being us? Think about that. It's logically-

Don't make me go Rainbow Dash on you, Twilight replied to her inner voice, because I will, and neitherof us will like it.

It will only give you a headache, lose brain cells, and-

"Twilight, are you... talking to yourself again in the manner you do?" Rarity sang wistfully. It was best she assumed her friend's insanity was relatively mild. For her own sake.

Twilight jumped at the voice calling from behind her front door. She swore mentally in Neightin, very much unlike the classical Neightin she was formally taught. Since Celestia was only one of a few living entities who still remembered the language, and she was considered a near expert in the subject. Ponies just didn't know Neightin was a horribly dirty language if used that way. Celestia would be amused at how much Twilight Sparkle really knew.

"Because while I talk to myself too, dear," Rarity continued, "and I certainly am a dramatic filly and all, we all know what happens when you start talking to yourself. Please be a dear and open the door and relax. All you need is a loving hug from your sweet friend."

Twilight mumbled to herself. Why can't all my friends arrange themselves reasonably to work around my schedule? she thought.

Today is the day you don't plan anything, remember? her brain said.

"I thought I told you to be quiet!" she hissed.

Her mind continued without her consent. OCD as always, Twilight. Three years should of taught you by now Ponyville doesn't operate like the rest of Equestria. Besides, you have more important things to worry about. Like Rarity.

"-a therapist, sweetie. Now I'm a patient mare and do ramble from time to time, but I don't want to treat you like I'm some sort of hostage negotiator." Rarity hesitated at the lack of a reply. "You are... alright? Aren't you, Twilight?"

"Yes," Twilight sighed. "I'm just... never mind, it's complicated. No, it isn't really, I-you know what, Rarity, I could use your help. Big time."

The library door slowly opened to let in the humming, blue eyed mare. She announced her presence with every trot of her hooves on the wooden floor. "You know very well I don't want to see your sanity slip, Twilight." Rarity leaned forward to give her friend a soft hug, pecking her on the cheek with her lips. "Now come come; tell me, what has you arguing with yourself?" She hung her forehooves over the kitchen counter to smile at Twilight, flicking her twirled tail behind herself in interest. "You should save that energy for tomorrow morning; there is no time to regret today yet!"

"Am I fat, Rarity?" Twilight asked, sipping her tea.

The comment caught Rarity off guard, stopping her face in mid expression. If there was any question a close friend could ask that Rarity never wanted to have to give an honest reply to, that would be considered high on her list. She looked around for several seconds, as if the bookshelves or the library itself were staring at her. She turned her snout gently to the side at the question. "Are you... fat?"

Twilight took another thick gulp of her chai to the blinking amusement of Rarity. "Am I fat?" she said more sternly. "You should know all about this."

The faintest of scowls began to cross Rarity's snout. "I beg your pardon, Twilight?" Barely repressed anger tickled her vocal chords. "Do tell me that drink isn't spiked. If it is, we need to have a talk. A firm one. Not even Applejack or Rainbow Dash start this early on the weekends. Often. One must accept their friends and all their weaknesses."

"I didn't touch her tea, so don't blame me." Spike yawned lazily, scratching his back as he trotted down the stairs. "If there's one thing I don't get about you ponies, it's your tea and coffee. Yuck. Rather have a salad any day."

"No, this has nothing to do with alcohol or you, Spike," Twilight replied to the calm smile of Rarity in relief. "It's what keeps us from turning into zombies, but that's beside the point."

Spike stopped at the last step, the panic that was spreading over his face only half hidden, as was Twilight's own slightly dark smile. "Y-y-you're joking right? I thought it just woke you up! Is that-"

Maybe I should spike my drinks with caffeine pills like Rainbow does with her energy drinks. Tolerance build up? I'll show you, she chuckled mentally. "It's an analogy," she said, letting Spike exhale his pent up fear. "I mean my plot, Rarity." Her muzzle turned toward Rarity. "Am I fat and you aren't telling me?" Twilight leaned forward, letting her muzzle hover inches from the pearl mare's. "Rarity," she said gently, "you know that I'm not going to get mad at you if you tell me I need to do something about myself. I just... need someone who judges bodies in a critical way."

Spike walked toward the kitchen, peeking over to look between the flanks of the two unicorns. "WellI can do my best, Twilight, and you always know that I'm here to help you in any way I can."

"Thanks, Spike. I can always count on you for an objective analysis and I can combine that with Rarity's thoughts." Twilight could feel her confident calmness return to her spirit. "Alright," she said, standing up straight, "tell me how I compare to Rarity! Just... realize I'm not beautiful as her."

"Oh, Twilight, you have to stop thinking so lowly of your physique," Rarity said. "Besides Spike isn't-"

"Rarity's just curves like the most amazing diamonds ever," he swooned. "It's-"

"-oh isn't he adorable!" Rarity squealed, tugging over Spike to scratch him behind the ears. "He's growing up so fast!"

Twilight deflated quickly. So much for objective help. *Thank** you, Spike. This is what happens when I slowly get you into my kind of humor, and pervert it with your own.* "You know he's... never mind."

"Never mind what?" Spike shivered happily, the forehoof dragging down his snout forcing out a rumble of pleasure from his throat. He nuzzled into it as if he was a scaled cat, and clearly seemed content to milk every second of it.

"Oh he's just growing up and young!" Rarity nickered. "Besides, you don't think I am not used to that, Twilight? Spikey Whikey is just developing excellent tastes in beauty. How can I not be happy for that?" Rarity was more than content to keep on petting Spike, only adding insult to injury.

"My hind legs, Rarity," Twilight growled.

Rarity coughed politely, pulling her forehoof away from his muzzle. "But of course, Twilight!" She hummed to herself as she slowly trotted around her friend's frame, gently stroking a forehoof through her friend's coat to feel the skin and muscles underneath. She pinched Twilight several times, causing a wince to twitch over the librarian's muzzle. "I see. Hmm... interesting."

"Is it that bad!?" Twilight was doing everything she could not to trot in place. Her crunched up face carried the dismay for her. "Oh please, Rarity, this isn't funny! I'm serious! Please... am I hideous? Is my mane and tail the only thing I have left that's attractive?"

Rarity stepped away from the lavender mare with a stroke of her chin. "Twilight dear..."

"Yes?" she croaked.

"You've gained a bit of a stomach-but you've always had a curve there. Your neck is fine, but your sides have gained a bit of smoothness. As for your hind quarters dear..."

"Just say it like Applejack would!"

Rarity bit her bottom lip. "Well then, your pear is certainly full this year, but it is a full pear of the finest... vintage. You see what happens when-"

Tears welled up in the corners of Twilight's eyes, adding a gleaming edge to the amethyst orbs. "I'm... fat. And nopony told me? I thought you all..." She collapsed onto her flank with a trundling whimper escaping from her muzzle. Her worst fears were confirmed, other than perhaps the theory of relativity or quantum magic being demonstrated to be false.

"Dear, no no! Oh damn it, come here you lovely lavender lady you." Rarity cooed, tugging her friend over with a thrum of magic. She caressed Twilight's mane with a forehoof affectionately, hushing her friend with quiet, motherly sounds trundling out of her muzzle. "Oh to hay with it. You have gained weight, but it fits you well," she said sweetly. "You are... 'pleasantly plump' as Pinkie might say!"

"That doesn't make me feel any better!" Twilight cried.

Spike gently pat Twilight's cutie mark, twirling a talon through the flesh. "It is kind of soft, Twilight. And wow... can I sleep with you? This would make a killer pillow."

Twilight turned her snout swiftly toward Spike's, eyes glowing robotic death. "If you don't want to lick the dust on the floor, Spike-"

Despite slowly grinning from his personal victory of sarcasm, he fell back once Rarity furiously leered at him. "Twilight, you are not fat," Rarity said more firmly, stroking through her friend's mane. "You have a beautifully shaped behind dear, but why are you so concerned all of a sudden? You have always been cute, and you always will be. All you need if you are that concerned is the help of your lovely friends! Don't let any colt or mare say otherwise, because I will tell you right now, if there is a pony who is calling you ugly dear, I am sure I can have something... 'socially arranged' to fix that."

And this is why you need to be less paranoid. Rarity would do anything to show you that you are beautiful, she thought.Although... that she would consider making a pony be socially outcasted for me is slightly... scary. "Well... you know that I prefer it simple when it comes to my visual appearance, but well..." She clopped her forehooves together nervously.

"Yes?" Rarity said, leaning forward to press her forehead against Twilight's.

"I..."

"Yes?"

"Maybe want to go out on a date."

Rarity pulled back her muzzle, blinking in disbelief. "You've never dated? Surely you have in the last three years since you've been here. You aren't the shy, no-friends-for-me Twilight I once knew. My, don't you remember last New Years Eve in Bayston? Surely you..."

Twilight giggled, pulling herself back up to drink once more from her tea. "How can I forgot that? But no, I didn't do anything there that you thought I did. Because, well, I guess I'm nervous about going that far."

"You've become so socially adept though dear," Rarity said, trotting over to sit down on the bottom step of her friend's staircase. "You are a wonderful public speaker, and are one of if not the most interesting pony that I know. Why are you so afraid to date? It could do miracles to your OCD. Or horrible things, but that's why you have us."

Twilight chuckled dryly, closing her eyes to channel forth energy from her horn. With a glowing sphere of raspberry dew around her form, she teleported directly beside her friend, a smile once more on her muzzle. Rarity was perhaps the best pony she knew for prep talks involving physical self esteem. If there was anypony out there who could make a pony feel beautiful, it was her.

And we can't be thankful enough for it, Rarity. "Despite how much I've changed, I've never found the time or confidence to date." She stroked the back of her head shyly. "Younger me would find the concept of even thinking about a date to be repulsive, but isn't that part of what we do at our age?"

"What exactly... did you all do in Bayston, anyways?" Spike asked, shuffling through the frig. "You never told me much."

Both of the mares glanced at each other. Somethings just shouldn't be brought up. "It's a tradition around New Years Eve to... date a pony for a day," Twilight said with a faintly heard chuckle, her tail twitching nervously behind herself. "You get to know them, and spend time with them sharing what you've learned about life throughout the year, and well, period."

"Yes... what Twilight said." Rarity smiled.

Spike huffed quietly to the both of them. "Dating for a day? Sounds like a lame date to me," he mumbled, pouring himself a glass of milk. "That doesn't sound like something everypony should be so excited about. At least you get presents and gifts on Hearth's Warming day."

"You know, Twilight," Rarity continued, "you don't have to just jump into dating." She ignored the comment on time constraints. Twilight was infamous for her time management tendencies, and Rainbow Dash could say them more aptly than anypony else. "In fact, if you would like my personal opinion, and I am sure you do, we need to build up your confidence in a manner to the point you aren't stumbling into a date wondering if you are good enough." Rarity wrapped a forehoof around her friend's shoulder sweetly, leaning into the fellow Element.

"And that would be... how exactly?" Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, you have certainly enjoyed our monthly get togethers," Rarity said. "And you have opened yourself up to the joys of a bit of fine wine."

"I'm not sure I would call drinking 'fine wine'," Twilight said, rolling her eyes in the manner only the grand master of eye rolling could.

"And I think this is a conversation more... fitting in private, as much as I love you, Spike."

With a deep sigh, a huff of smoke escaped from the end of Spike's muzzle. He sat himself up on the kitchen counter, kicking his legs. "Sheesh, why do you all treat me like I'm a kid?"

"You are one," Twilight said with a smirk building up around the corner of her muzzle. Deciding to let out a bit more evilness - and stress - she enveloped the Spike in a whirl of her magic, teleporting him directly in front of her, and content to listen to the gentle cry of protest he made.

Sadistically teasing my younger brother and making his life a bit of Tartarus for my own amusement? She both mentally and physically smiled. I should get that checked out, but at least he doesn't have to go to public school. I couldn't torture him *that** much.*

You know we enjoy it, another part of her brain responded.

I will *never** deny that.*

She leaned done to give Spike a kiss on the forehead, watching Spike sputter and fluster incoherently. "Did you have to do that in front of Rarity!?" he bawked.

"Oh I find it adorable," Rarity hummed. "If you think for one moment that it makes me think lower of you, Spike, you are being quite the silly little dragon."

"But I don't want to be silly! I want to be sexy! Like you!"

Ruby flushed across Rarity's cheeks at the compliment. She opened her mouth to comment, only to be interrupted by Twilight. "And that's why, Spike, this is a private conversation. We're going to talk about that word tomorrow."

"It's not like it's anything compared to what Rainbow or Applejack say all the time. I hear them too you know." Spike mumbled, gulping down a chug of milk with a dismissive wave of his claws. "I just want to be like those colts in the Playmare's you have under your bed. And why do you put them there? They smell funny and are kind of ripped."

"Oh horseapples we have to meet the girls soon don't we, Rarity?" Twilight's face had turned cerise, grabbing a hold of the equally flushed cheeks of Rarity's beside her. "I promise to bring back ice cream for you, Spike-ahh a snake!" With a cracking hum of burning red magic the two unicorns disappeared, leaving a faintly scorched floor behind them.

Spike simply stood there, slowly blinking in confusion. "There's no snake here." He scratched his head in confusion. "And why are you so nervous about those magazines? It's just naked ponies with really good anatomy." He mumbled only to himself once again. "And thanks for the burned-"

"You want me to go to the club and get laid!?"

"I never *said** that I was-"*

"Oh," Spike growled, "so she gets to dance and lay on soft pillows after dancing,and eat food, and she's complaining about it!? It better be good ice cream."