Ethanol, Elements, and Estrogen

Pinkie Pie knew many things about the universe she never wanted to know, but knew about anyways. Ponies questioned why she wasn't all there in the head, but if they knew what she knew, they would be like he too. Despite dipping into the worlds outside of Equestria for the good or ill of everything, there was another kind of dipping that her  practical education had taught her: today called for some alcohol, and it was going to be an early dipping.

Yeah it does, and it’s yourfault, Mr. Narrator!

The mare was not an alcoholic, or anything near that; contrary to what ponies might think she was. Considering her love of parties, she knew that the potent brew usually needed to be consume in moderation, otherwise the party would degrade into something far worse. Or better, depending on her urges. Those urges usually got very messy.

Although I’m half tempted to be a drinker because of you! What areyou planning author person!? How can you toy with Dashie and Jackie and Twilight and Rares like this? They all need a pony to cuddle and *you’re** fiddling with their hearts and crotches! You’re* awfulmister! And now I'ma frisky filly who needs a firm, flickering fondling, and youfreckled my flanks for your freaking fun! Dark wings, dark words with you!

A smooth voice inside her head - other than her own - reminded her that while acceptable breaks of reality were passable, there was a limit as to what the filly could do. The story was unbent, unbound, and unbroken by her semantics, and would-

No! Youdon’t order mearound. I’m gonna speak my mind, mister, and you’regonna like it! Yeah, we’re all kinda horny for some ba donka donking, and surewe all could use a colt or mare or two, but it doesn't mean you get to hurt us! No! I cross the line there. We girls love each other a trillion billion times, and I’m not gonna let you break us apart!

The narrator would like to remind Pinkie Pie that this is not Stranger than Fiction, and that she will go along with the plot, much like Harold did. With a sweet hum in her ear, she would be soothed to know that no harm would come to her or her friends, other than pratfalls, hangovers, and maybe a few tissues in hopeful sobs of love. There would adventures, joy, exploring of brews and body parts, love, and friendship. There was much of this saga to cover, and only so little time to do it.

Hmmf! There’s been more tension in our plots than in Superbad and Amareican Pie combined! Fix this mister! I’m warning you! If you don't solve these problemos...

The smooth voice inside of Pinkie’s head was confident that she would be bent to its will, much like she was bent over crying for more, when Rainbow slapped her pudgy, plump posterior. The puffy prostitute practically prayed for more poundings.

Oh you little-

Only one sentence was apt for the plush, pink puff of a pony: we’re sorry, but we can’t let you do that, Pinkie Pie.

You’re out of your element, narrator pony man! That’s it! I’m hijacking this story and youcan’t stop me! Ahem! Twilight-

Ash nazg durbatulûk.

W-what? I don't speak-

Ash nazg gimbatul.

I-I-I don't know what's-

Ash nazgthrakatulûk-

P-please stop voicee, you're scaring-

-agh burzum-ishi krimpatul!

Okay! Okay! I’m sorry, narratoree pony humanie! I’ll trust you. Just... don’t scare me? I’ll be a good filly...

The narrator was pleased with the playful, prancing pony. It would be sure to give her many pettings and pats between the chapters.

P-p-promise?

Satisfaction would ease the mare’s mind. Pinkie Pie Promise. How could one not want to scratch her pink, plush ears and stroke her coat?

Okay... Story time?

Pinkie Pie knew many things about the universe she never wanted to know, but knew about anyways. Ponies questioned why she wasn't all there in the head, but if they knew what she knew, they would've been like he too. Despite dipping into the worlds outside of Equestria for the good or ill of everything, there was another kind of dipping that her  practical education had taught her: today called for some alcohol, and it was going to be an early dipping.

The mare was not an alcoholic, or anything near that; contrary to what ponies might think she was. Considering her love of parties, she knew that the potent brew usually needed to be consume in moderation, otherwise the party would degrade into something far worse. Or better, depending on her urges. Those urges usually got very messy.

Today was different. It was going to be a long day emotionally for all of her friends; she could feel it on the tip of her left ear. They were going to need tonight more than ever before, and that meant losing that restraint they held back. While today had not been a shining example of the six mares holding themselves back, they had had better days. Which is why we’re drinkin’ early! Party time! Well... more like relaxing time. The logic of drinking to make a day better had been a constant in the multiverse since time began. It went one of two ways. Besides, Twilight needed the alcohol more than she did, and boy, the difference in her friend was noticed in minutes!

Sitting behind a table in Sugarcube Corner, the two mares were enjoying drinks of a not child legal nature, and it was only reminding both of them about how innocent Equestria really never was. Twilight's tail swished contently behind herself for the first time that day, taking another sip of her mixed drink to a flaint fluttering of her eyes. That alone only made the smile on Pinkie's face that much more warm and fuzzy. "I can't believe how good you make Dirty Stalliongradi's, Pinkie," Twilight said. "We shouldn't be doing this this early you know." The unicorn giggled excitedly. "It feels so wrong, but you know, I just don't care! I feel like tonight is going to be better than Shining's wedding, or my eighteenth, or Bayston!"

Pinkie Pie snorted in delight at her friend's reaction, clopping her forehooves together in glee.  "It's nice to have you back, Twilight. I think you've been so pent up today, and all you needed was some sweet Pinkie drinks. Chocolate milk, vodka and coffee liqueur? Best mixever!" Both of the mares giggled with abandon, sipping their brown mixture of soul purging alcohol.

Sunday was a wonderful day. With the store closed early, it meant that not only were the Cakes free to do as they pleased, it also meant that Pinkie herself was free as well. If that involved making some very potent mixed drinks early in the day, then who was going to stop her? Nopony! She thought. Stopping Pinkie Pie from doing something took an amount of effort that involved more than one mere pony. Usually, it involved five.

"It's great to be back," Twilight continued. She rested her forehooves on the counter, her posture relaxed, and her neck leaning forward to look at her friend with honest happiness. "I woke up this morning concerned about my weight, and then Rarity came in to tell me I need to have a roll in the hay before I should start dating. Then you all began being clop crazed and then Rarity flipped out." She snorted dryly, rolling her eyes at the everlasting drama that followed her. "I can see why Berry Punch does what she does."

Pinkie raised an eyebrow, resting her forehooves on the table. "Hold up, Twi'. You're concerned you're fat?"

Twilight's eyes slowly turned into slits of purple. There's Twilight! Seriousness ship sailing from San Franciscolt! "Nice way of putting it, but yes. I've gained fifteen pounds since coming here. I want to get back down in weight.Need to, in fact. I don't want to slow you all down, and well... I’d feel better about myself if I was back to the weight I’m biologically meant to be."

"Silly filly, I'm like, a thousand pounds, and look at me!" Pinkie said.

Twilight blinked slowly, leaning forward as her eyes became sharper. "No, you're not."

"Ugh! Fine, Twilight, way to not take a joke," Pinkie pouted. "I'm two fifteen. I'm not a balloon!" Pinkie scooted back in her chair, giving her curly stomach fur a ruffle to shake the soft girth underneath. She was certainly pudgy, but it would've been more apt to put her on the lines known as 'husky' more than anything. "See? I’m an earth pony with like, not enough muscle, so it’s chub! Rainbow finds me adorable though. She thinks you’re adorable too!”

“Hmmph,” Twilight huffed, laying back in her chair, folding her forehooves at the comment. She blew at her bangs with a huff of air. “That’s no excuse on my part. You make food that shouldn’t legally taste as good as it does. I still think Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow can help me trim myself back down. You’d... support me right?” she asked.

“Of course I’d support you!” Pinkie slurped loudly on her creamy, thick stout, letting the hit of coffee merge into the dark chocolate fudge, and end with thw burning twang of vodka slither down her throat.. Mmm, mmm, mmm! Pinkie Winkie you are damngood girl at what you do! Give yourself a hoof!

Hoof given!

Hoof accepted. "You have a lot of reasons to be stressed, Twilight," Pinkie added, a more realistic tone entering her voice,  "you just have to find you're way of not making them, well, worse! I mean, we can count them off right here. Moonie, Discord, Chrysalis, the Caneighdian incident.”

“That, was Applejack and Rainbow’s fault,” Twilight said flatly, sipping her drink once more. She chuckled in amusement. “Hay, half of our problems either directly involve me, Applejack, or Rainbow Dash."

Pinkie tittered gaily. “Well duh, that’s three of us. So if the other three are added, that means all our problems come from us, which they do! Evil forces of doom just like to doomy doom us.”

Twilight's tail snapped behind herself, eyes half closing into a firm stare. And yet, she couldn't help but have a smirk creep across the corners of her lips. “Wiseflank.”

Pinkie shrugged her shoulders. “Ehh, I learned it from being around you and Rainbow a bunch, so I learned from the best who deserves a good Pie Pie or Stick Stick in thanks! Or both! Both is always good!" **Except when they are surprises you *don’t expect. I play with all genders equally, but I need a sign post so I can prepare which one of my party bags to bring. I can’t be left unprepared! The moaning must be doubled!*

With a casual thrum of her horn, a strawberry mist of a hoof bonked Pinkie on the head, resulting in a high pitched squeak coming out of the pink mare's muzzle. Twilight giggled in delight at her friend’s reaction. “Pinkie, you are priceless, but thanks for information I don’t need at the moment.”

“Welcome, Twi’ Twi’!” Pinkie squeed. “But you’re the reigning champ on useless information!”

“You never know when detailed histories of oil can companies could be useful!” Twilight protested. “How do you think we won the trivia contests on New Year’s Eve, and got all that free alcohol and food?” She leaned back in her chair to scoff at her ego for a moment, letting a confident smile spread across her snout. “Firm study on these subjects paid off, both during and after the drinking.”

Twilight’s friend half choked on her drink of chocolate alcohol, falling back in her chair. “So that’s what you think cuddling me and Dashie was. I knew you enjoyed that!”

The unicorn’s cheeks quickly matched the strip of rose in her mane. “You two were the ones half fondling each other, with me trapped in the middle! We were all drunk and I thought we just wanted to stay warm, but you two decided to play hoofsies with me trying to sleep.”

With the final chug of her Dirty Stalliongradi, Pinkie Pie fell over onto her back squealing in laughter, kicking her hindlegs in the air. “And you’re the one who flared your horny and made Dashie and I go neigh! You just don’t even remember it!”

“I did not magically stimulate-" Twilight cursed under her breath, watching her friend degrade into a rumbling fit of hysterics. "Okay I did, but I wasn’t fully aware of it!” Her face was burning hot at the admission, only making her friend roll around on the floor in gusts of fond memories even more.

“That’s what knocked us both out. Sheesh, Twilight, we might of made your curtains curl, but you made our stations explode.”

Twilight quickly gulped her drink, letting out a loud exhale of air from the end of her muzzle. She was thankful she didn't take this passion of ethanol as a personal poison, but it was a tonic, if only to blur the images of two of her friends groping each other. “You must be new here, Pinkie. I never knew that being teased would make me aroused. Please, tell me more.”

Pinkie curled her forehooves toward her chest in only the cute manner that Equestrian ponies could, looking up at her friend playfully. She gave her friend a wink. “Will do, Twilight. And quoting memes is my job! Silly filly, get out!" Twilight stuck out her tongue in defiance, only inciting Pinkie Pie to continue her teasing. "While you didn't squirt that night - which is why you are technically still a virgin - you were totally leaking the next morning. And-”

Twilight Sparkle could not handle her friend opening up about the very fun night of being trapped between Rainbow and Pinkie deciding to be playful drunks, and herself having to deal with it. That was supposed to be a secret, and it had to be kept safe.

Her normal plan was going to be to tug her friend into the air, pinch her whole body to listen to some weird sound come from Pinkie's mouth, and tell her some sort of snide joke that would calm Pinkie Pie down. It didn’t work. She misjudged the power of her spell. Instead, she yanked on the pink filly far too hard. The result, was Pinkie Pie being spun through the air, hovering a hoof off the ground, and colliding snout to snout with Twilight, both of their mouths open the moment they made contact. In another time and place, it would look flat out silly. But in the current, they closed their mouths together, and they didn't seem fond of breaking apart.

Alcohol and chocolate huffed into the nostrils of both the unicorn and earth mare as their eyes turned into soft, barely open lines, their lips pressed together for the longest seconds of either of their lives. It was Twilight who engaged the kiss, tilting her snout gently to the side to let the corners of her muzzle rub into Pinkie’s. Pinkie didn't seem inclined to resist, but simply let her nose rub up and down her friend’s, soon enough followed by her tongue reaching out to lick over Twilight’s teeth.

It was that lick that broke Twilight's concentration, dropping Pinkie Pie on all four of her hooves, and leaving Twilight mumbling vulgarities in Neightin. “Pinkie Pie, I’m so sorry,” she whispered, her amethysts orbs gentle, kind, submissive, and to Pinkie Pie, broken.

Twilight, Pinkie thought, you have nothing to be sorry about sweetie. It’s... me. I... did I ruin your first kiss? Oh damnditty damn damn. Twilight...

“Twilight.” Pinkie’s voice had lost nearly all of it’s bounce, holding up her friend’s chin to let her teary cerulean orbs reflect off of the mystical purple of her friend's. “I didn't-I shouldn't have-oh gosh, this is horrible! To fool around like silly horny fillies, but to ruin your first kiss? I-”

“Pinkie Pie, that was my choice.” Twilight hushed her friend, tilting her snout to peck her on the lips, letting her snout rub affectionately over the pink muzzle in front of her. “I think I needed that more than I realized," she exhaled. "Today’s been... well... bucked up if I have to use that word.” She chuckled at her word choice, letting a soft smile spread over her muzzle.  “I just think we should both relax, and realize that, well, tonight's going to be very different than what they normally are. and-”

“Rarity.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow at the mention of her friend “Yeah. She’s kind of been acting very weird, and-”

Pinkie's forehooves lifted up to gently care caress her friend's cheeks. “You and her, need to hook up.”

Saliva gagged in Twilight’s throat, making Twilight trot backwards until she fell over onto her rump in shock. Pinkie Pie quickly closed the distance, wrapping both of her forehooves protectively around her friend. “Listen to me, Twilight, and listen to Pinkie Pie well. I might be your pal, and maybe we could work in that way, in some weird way, but Rarity is totally the mare for you.”

“R-r-rarity?” Twilight mumbled the name of her friend on her tongue and lips several times, letting it wisp over her ears and mind again and again. “You... think I should date Rarity? But Pinkie, I’m not sure who or what I’m doing tonight, and-”

Pinkie shook her friend gently, pressing her forehead into Twilight's own. She smiled. She smiled like an older sister giving advice to a younger one. “You, and her, are meant for each other, Twilight! Both of you are smart. Really smart. You both have so many in-jokes like Dash and I do. You guys make great leaders, and enjoy each other so much! You both could keep each other calm when bad things happen. You'd never get bored of what you two have to say, and you two just would be so cute together! You wanna know what Aunt Pinkie thinks? Rarity's doing all of this planning tonight, so you can get that 'experience'. And it's her." Internal me, I'm so proud of you... and the Oscar for-

Please stop! I'm tearing up already.

Oh sister, I'm already there!

Twilight Sparkle was silent. Confusion had merged in with her face with reflective contemplation, the biological computers inside of her head whirling together tens of thousands of scenarios, outcomes, hints and tips. "Pinkie, you are so right."

"I knew it!" Pinkie chirped, nuzzling into her friend's neck. She bounced back to life as quickly as her motherly side had taken over. "Your fur is interesting! It's very... horsey!"

Twilight ignored Pinkie's last comment. It was for the best. The numbers floating mentally above her hooves as her list grew. "She's hyper protective of me, loves talking to me about everything, nearly always enjoys my company, respects me, and she's... planning all of this out for me to have such a wonderful time. She wants me to realize that I want to be with her, because she has everything that I want-Pinkie Pie, that's it, you're incredible!" Her horn flared to life, squeezing Pinkie in addition to the hug that encapsulated her with her forehooves. "Oh my gosh, why didn't I think of that?" She nuzzled into her friend's shoulder deeply in delight. "She's trying to keep me guessing because she knows she can't out think me. I-"

Her massaging of her friend's body continued. At least, until Pinkie Pie squeed deeply, from the wrong hole.

It was moderately hard to make Pinkie Pie blush, although the rumbling sound coming from her rump could be put high on that list. While an aptly timed fart joke - or perhaps well placed real one by two of her more physically active friends - could be hilarious, she never tried to pass gas in public. All she could do to avert the attention from the sound, was grin shyly at Twilight Sparkle, letting out the practiced and proper squee from the end of her pink snout. "A-a-a-ask before you give me a full body massage?" she chuckled shyly. "At least it doesn't smell-"

"Pinkie Pie, that's *disgusting!***" Twilight Sparkle shrieked, crawling away from her friend as she shoved the pink ball of curly fur. Pinkie tumbled from the impact, Twilight pulling herself up into a more defensive, almost combat like stance. "Are you Rainbow Dash or Applejack now!?"

"Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me, Twilight." Pinkie retorted, back flipping herself onto her hooves, "I didn't decide to squeeze your stomach a bunch and see what happens! Alcohol gives me gas sometimes, but normally I can hold it. Unless, somepony, crushes me from the outside in!"

"That doesn't give you any excuse to pass gas near me, Pinkie Pie!" Twilight shot back, pressing her snout assertively into Pinkie Pie's. "How could we work as a couple if you would fart when I sleep?"

"How could we work if you pee the bed, Twi' Twi'? I may like natural lemonade sometimes, but that's a kind only good twice a year!" The baker mare's tail twitched rapidly behind herself, both of the Element's pushing their snouts back and forth as growls began to escape from their muzzles.

"That is even more disgusting. Why did you have to share that?"

"It's sterile! It doesn't hurt you!"

Twilight stomped a forehoof on the floor, gritting her teeth in frustration. She could feel her own behind tighten up, and it was more keen on plot kicking than gas passing. Hopefully. "Don't you pull a me, Pinkie! And pee the bed? Did Spike tell you that!? Oh I am going to kill him for that!" Twilight neighed.

"Like, mare please," Pinkie nickered against the statement, "I could smell it myself! I got the best nose here and you still do it a little bit, it just blends into your fur-"

Twilight Sparkle knew of one way to shut Pinkie Pie up, and that was to kiss her. She might have to put this under her belt of abilities for future problems if Pinkie Pie was about to cause massive political damage to Equestria. Or, she was just a bit tipsy, and it sounded like a good idea to get rid of stress. It worked the last time. Twilight went at her friend full force, her tongue inserting itself drunkenly inside of Pinkie's muzzle, flailing and slapping over her teeth as their lips and snouts pressed together. She had no idea what she was doing, but Pinkie took charge soon enough, instead of shoving her friend away or doing anything rational. Her thick equine tongue began coiling and suckling onto Twilight's tongue with such sinful delight Twilight cried out a sultry moan of bliss.

"That's disgustin'."

"I think it's kinda hot if you ask me."

"They are so cute together!"

Slowly, two pairs of eyes turned to look at the three infamous foals watching the Elements making out, breaking apart their lips and showing the thick string of saliva that connected their muzzles together. Time slowed down for the both of them, looking between each other and the fillies beside them. This is what happened, when you didn't lock the front door.

As one, they both shrieked. Pinkie Pie burst up higher in the air than anypony ever should, which involved her nailing her head on the ceiling, and falling back onto the ground.

Twilight did perhaps the worst sin in her entire life. There was no redemption for her committed crime. Celestia would disown her if it ever got out.

Twilight Sparkle, cursed in front of children.

"Shit!" she screamed. "What the buckin' hay are you three doing here!?"

"About to blackmail you!" Scootaloo fluttered happily, her wings pulsating by the sides of her body.

"Scootaloo, that's horrible!" Applebloom protested, shooting her fellow Crusader a glance of disgust.

"Not for free candy, milk, and books," Scootaloo countered.

"Scootaloo, that's awesome!" Sweetie Belle chirped, bouncing in place. "Cutie Mark Crusader Blackmailers! We want one gallon of strawberry milk!"

Before Sweetie Belle could even finish, a chilled tub of milky goodness was placed in front of the foals by the equally strawberry colored earth mare. "Done!" Pinkie panted. "Anything else? Anything you want!"

"Two gallons of chocolate milk!" Scootaloo whinnied excitedly, giggling with Sweetie Belle.

Applebloom bit her bottom lip, contemplating the morality of the situation. Her darker side won. It was the grown ups fault they were so secret. "A large bag of candy corn! Oh shoot, AJ's gonna kill me."

Sweetie Belle bounced higher with every passing second. "A box of assorted fudges! Oh those are so good!"

"A jumbo bag of those sour cream and onion chips Twilight eats all the time," Scootaloo sneered. All Twilight could do was stare fiery death at the foal. If the secret of her and Pinkie kissing got out in public...

Her reputation would be ruined! The public would think of us as nuts! Oh my gosh I should of thought of that! Image! Rarity is all about image! Pinkie Pie's mind was going a trillion miles an hour, going from Hyrule to the Citadel, screaming at her own stupidity for not locking the door or closing the windows. You're a dipshit Pinkie Pie! You *deserve** that word right now!*

Thanks for tellin' me that *now,** fudge sucker!*

"Some peanut butter cups!" Sweetie Belle giggled, shaking her rump behind herself. "Oh we get to eat so much candy tonight. It's like the best Nightmare Night and Hearthswarming day ever!"

"And a big sheet of caramel for us to suck on!" Applebloom murred. "Yum!"

Scootaloo scoffed at the ground, looking up at the two mares. "I... think that's it? See! Nothing to break the bank. We're-"

"Do you have everything you want?" Pinkie Pie neighed, forcing the foals to back up against the store door. A massive plume of air from the end of her nose, letting out a side of her that not even her friends saw. "You three think this is funny? I... I can't even think of anything to say to you, and..." All that was registered on her face, was disgust. "Get out. You aren't welcome here anymore. Go to Bon Bon if you want candy."

Twilight looked at her friend and back at the foals, on the verge of tears. "I can't believe you three would do this to us," she quivered, her ears wilted on the sides of her muzzle. "Didn't you learn anything from Gabby Gums? If you, I... I just-"

Applebloom stepped forward, letting out a quiet sigh as she bit her bottom lip. She pondered, but soon enough, she couldn't help but smile. "How about, we consider this... well, 'payment' for what we're about to tell you, since it's a lot bigger than what we saw here."

Pinkie Pie's expression turned into toxic venom. "You fuc-"

"AJ and Dasha were cuddlin' in the barn!" Applebloom blurted. "And then they started really cuddlin', and then they started kissing, and then got 'laid' is what you ponies call what adult ponies do."

"Honest!" Scootaloo said, her wings flickering beside her frame. "She's not joking, and we aren't either!"

"We're sorry!" Sweetie Belle cried, tears budding in her eyes. "We're just jealous that you all get to go out, and get laid, and dance, and we wanted to do something super special tonight ourselves, so don't kill us!"

The shock that filled the Elements' faces was not of contempt. It was from the hand grenade of information that shattered their entire concept as to what tonight, and all of their futures were going to be. Most of the anger that trickled from their puffed out coats melted, the two mares glancing at each other, silently adjusting the reality that they now knew.

"Holy, crap," Pinkie whispered. "I knew they had a thing going for each other."

Twilight could barely speak, her purple eyes looking at the foals as if they were Rainbow and Applejack themselves. "Then the rumors were true," she muttered. "This changes everything."

Pinkie couldn't help but smile sweetly at the thought of two of her friend's being in love. "Oh my gosh, Dashie could teach Jackie so much and-"

Twilight shoved a forehoof inside of Pinkie's muzzle, watching her friend glance at her out of interest. "What were you three doing spying them?" she hissed, stomping a forehoof onto the floor. "That's-"

"It's my barn too," Applebloom rumbled, "and they were on the freakin' piano door! Kinda hard not to see it. We wanted some cider from the cellar, and my sister and Dasha were getting laid! Right in plain site! Ya can't blame me!"

"N-n-no," Twilight said, her argument falling to pieces. "I guess you can't; but this is something you three shouldn't have seen for another few years." She shook her head with a deep, groaning sigh. "We'll talk about this next week. I just can't-"

Scootaloo stepped forward, flicking her tail behind herself. "But here's the real kicker, and it blows that one out of the water, and this is why you owe us big time. Yeah, we spied on them after that, but can you blame us? So, like, they did it, but said that they wouldn't work as a couple, but might wanna try it out later if their plan doesn't go well. They convinced each other to try this first."

"Rainbow wants Twilight to hook up with Applejack," Sweetie added, gathering her own courage to move forward, "and Applejack wants Dash to hook up with Rarity. And you say we're blackmailing you two? Your own friend's are planning on making you date each other!"

Pinkie's jaw hit the floor. Literally. It slammed into the ground with a metallic ring. What anger either of them had melted away much like the former sound of Pinkie's flatulence. "And Rarity wants you to hook up with Rainbow, Twilight, and I want you to hook up with Rarity! The messed upness of this situation is too damn high!" Pinkie cried. "I mean, I don't often say this, but damn! It's like we're all planning the sex life of Twilight Sparkle, like you're some princ-"

"My plot is not a fucking commodity!" Twilight shouted, raspberry lightning flying out of her horn. It let forth a resounding clap of lightning that chipped the ceiling of the room. Her anger was back, and her concern for slipping forth words she had held back in public for only the most spartan of use was gone. She stared down at the foals, her eyes a solid, burning white of heaven's wrath. "Listen, well, girls." Twilight's neck twitched rapidly. "You promise not to say a single thing about any of this to any pony ever? Good. You don't need to Pinkie Pie Promise, because that's not going to be strong enough-"

"Twi', I think you need another Dirty Stalliongradi." Pinkie slowly massaged the horn of her friend, watching the pearl rage in the mage's eyes flutter and flick back to her natural eye color. It was mixed in with a tender, quiet panting from the violet mare's mouth, her tail snapping in the air behind herself.

The Crusaders groaned in disgust at both the image of a manure covered stallion and Twilight's faint drolling, only to be stared down by Pinkie's firm gaze. "Now what she said is totally true!" Her voice had become more akin to what a mother would use, scolding a child. "You think breaking my promises are bad? Let's just say her magic can go places you don't want magic to go."

The foals swallowed down balls of saliva in unison, only for Pinkie to affectionately smile. "For the record, we sorta-mostly-kinda-maybe-we'll-run-with-it forgive you, since you completely changed our lives, and weren't doing anything wrong, and learned way too much, but you came to us to tell us about it, but still black mailed us, and not nice things." She continued her massage on her Twilight's horn, tenderly digging the edges of her forehooves into the grooves along the twirled length. "And also, the former language we used, if we ever catch you girls saying those things, we are totally going to spank you all in public, in front of the Mayor's office, with your classmates laughing at you the whole time."

Jeez me, that's really freakin' dark! Her kind side whimpered in her head.

Shh! The information they gave us is *totally** gonna be used to get Twilight laid. Oh she's gonna blow her magic so hard it'll burn a hole in the roof!*

Like she already did?

Curses! Foiled again!

"S-s-so how about we both say we never saw each other, and u-u-umm-can we take what we bargained for?" Applebloom sniffled, scoffing at the ground. "Fair deal?"

Pinkie stroked her chin with her tail, looking up at the minor damage to the ceiling. It's just a scratch. "Hmm... you owe me a small favor though in the future, but sure!"

"E-e-eww what's that smell?" Applebloom winced, sniffing the air. "It's... d-d-did somepony-"

Pinkie Pie winced. Yep. She knew that smell. She knew that smell very well. Escape plan. "Fire!" Pinkie screamed at the Crusaders, watching them back as they galloped out the door with their plunder of candy on their backs. "I got it covered though!" she hollered at the fleeing foals, slamming the door behind her. Considering that boarding up the door wasn't going to make the Cake's happy with the damage to their walls, she would have to make due with just locking the front door. As soon as the danger of her secret being let out and the stress of the moment melted away like warmed up chocolate, she slid herself against the door, letting out a belly deep sigh pour from her heart. Everything's okay now, she cooed to herself. Just smile, smile, sm-

She opened her eyes and other senses slowly, registering a large, furred, warm object straddling her groin. A quietly purring, purple eyed, pony eating object rested on top of her. It wasn't one she wanted. "Hey Pinkie," Twilight nickered seductively down at her friend, stroking through Pinkie's puffy mane.

"Oh frosted, fudge fondling flamingos, unicorn horns are no touch zones." Pinkie chuckled nervously, listening to the rumbles of pleasure escaping from her clearly delusional friend. "I forgot, and I got talented forehooves."

Twilight dug into Pinkie's her poodle furred coat thickly. "Hey, Twilight, remember when we said we were gonna pop your cherry tonight? Or that how I'm going to convince you that I have absolutely no idea what's going on anymore, and so that we'll just take it somepony is taking you tonight? Why am I talking about this with you on top of me?"

Twilight  tugged on Pinkie's mane firmly, violet eyes a glowing glass of arousal and seductive need. "Mmm, I pushed that up to now," she growled, straddling Pinkie's stomach more roughly. "And I'm sure 'plot pusher' Pinkie can do wonders. Speaking of that, I've never tried anal, and Rainbow just denies she's done it with you. What's it like, Pinkie? I'm sure you have a toy for that." Twilight leaned forward to slowly drag her tongue over the earth mare's ear. "I got enough spells to blow, your, mind-guuurgh!"

With one firm pinch to Twilight's neck, the unicorn was out cold, collapsed on top of Pinkie. "Ahh. Pressure points! I know those too, Twilight, and jeez are you wet-stop leaking on me!" She pushed her friend over onto her back with a tired groan, looking at the limp, drooling, passed out unicorn. It was impossible for Pinkie not to giggle at the adorable - and she had to admit, scary - sides of Twilight Sparkle. It wasn't as if she was completely stable either. "Well, bucky boo, has today been interesting, and we aren't even that drunk yet! Oh the next eight hours are gonna be fun! I... think. As long as you, mister narrator, make it fun! I'm warning you-"

The voice carrying the plot of this story would counter Pinkie's threats in that the Numa Numa song could always be played. There are worse fates that one can bear to bring.

Pinkie Pie opened her mouth to comment, but remained silence on the manner, other than giving the narrator a deep, hard, deathly stare with her blue eyes. It was for the best, she said nothing more.