My name is Lyra. Sometimes it's just Lyra, sometimes it's Lyra Heartstrings, sometimes it's just Heartstrings. The name I hate the most, though, is Incidental Background Pony #2. But I'll get back to that.
I'm a pony. Born and raised in Equestria. I'm a unicorn, which means I have magic, too. But the most important magic isn't powered by my horn. I can speak with my Creator. I know what I am: a pawn in a story. And though I can't see the ones who perceive my world, I can--
Hold on. That can't be right.
Ah, and here is the Author. I hate the Author.
If you can't see my readers, why are you talking in first-person?
It's like a journal, right? It's not like I'm actually talking to anyone. I'm just telling the story. You know, the one You're writing?
Yeah, yeah, sorry.
I mean, if You write a diary, You don't actually believe that a bunch of mysterious figures out in the distance are seeing everything You write, right? And You certainly aren't magically granted the ability to see them, even if they were?
No, I don't. Err, can't. Whatever the right answer is.
Right, as I was saying. I kind of have a love-hate relationship with the Author. When the Author writes a good story, I enjoy it. When the Author writes a tragic tale of love and loss, I suffer cathartically. And then the Author utterly bungles it and writes some awful story where I'm totally out of character and go through some nonsensical Plot.
Can you, er, keep from using the word "plot?" It's kind of euphemistic these days.
No. The Plot is kind of important in my world. You of all people should know that.
And that's another thing. There's more than one of us writing about you, you know.
Yeah, but I can't tell the difference. I only feel You as a force, a text in my head, anyway. You all feel the same.
Well, what about the authors who write in other languages?
You have multiple languages? That's new. I just hear Equestrian.
Ah. Fascinating. Continue.
What was I talking about? Oh yeah, bad stories. Man, there was that really awful one where Bon-bon got turned into Bridezilla and I was the straight man who had to fix everything.
Hey, I actually liked that one! (AN: Lyra is not a representation of my own opinion.)
I heard that.
Eep!
So You, Author of the Day, didn't write that one? What about the one where I almost let her run off a cliff and had to save her with magic?
Nope, I didn't write that one, either. That one was good, too, though.
Have You written anything with me?
No, actually. I'm a bit new to this authoring thing.
Great, a newbie. You always write the worst ones. At least, I assume.
Hey! That's not fair! I've got a great idea for this one!
So what am I gonna be today? A carbon copy of one of my previous ventures? Ooh, I hear the one that wears a hoodie and knocks herself out with magical music is pretty popular right now. Man, I can feel the cold coming back just thinking about that one.
Nope, I'm not copying Background Pony.
Oh, okay. Well, I'm sure You'll be making me stupidly fixated on humans as usual.
Actually, I'm not.
Nice! I always hate that personality. I mean, come on, I thought you guys Watched me to get away from humanity, and then you make me obsessed with you? Uh, doi?
Nope, my goal is to make you as close to canon as possible.
Ah, the Canon. I think I should explain that one. The Canon is all-powerful. The Canon bends us to the Author's will. That's why a little part of me wants to break it as much as I can.
To all the readers, that's why you see her jumping up and down in the background or--
Hey! Wanna let me tell my own story?
I thought I'd just explain that part.
Normally You don't butt in this much.
Sorry, this is kind of an unusual fic.
Ugh. So, You're writing a fic, huh? This isn't gonna be Canon, then?
Uh, no. Technically, you're not canon yet. And besides, you'd know if you became canon, right?
Yeah. Hope so, anyway. Any chance of that?
Not really. I'll ask Faust about it next chance I get.
I bet You're some nerd who doesn't even know her from Eve.
Hey, for all you know, I'm her husband.
Yeah, but You're not, because You're writing this wacko story, and I'm fighting You. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get the opportunity to fight You if You were Craig McCracken.
No. I'm pretty sure they don't write stories that break the fourth wall like this.
Are we actually breaking the Fourth Wall? I mean, it's not like I can see the Watchers anywhere.
There are... shall we say... different degrees of breaking the fourth wall. I wouldn't know, since I'm not fictional.
Pinkie says she can see the Fourth Wall. She even gets to talk to the Watchers sometimes.
Yeah, in canon she's done it a couple of times.
Lucky her.
Are you jealous?
That she can break the Fourth Wall better than I can? No, not really. Why would I want to see you numbskulls?
Is that any way to talk to your maker?
Meh, go suck on a drain pipe.
I could just stop writing you, you know.
But You're not gonna, are You. You've got a story to write, so You'll write me no matter what I say.
Watch me.
Okay, I'm sorry! Geez, just write Your stinkin' story!
Gotcha.
Quoting the Canon doesn't make You witty.
Meh, go suck on a drain pipe.
Quoting me makes You even less so.
You were saying something about being jealous of Pinkie.
Oh, yeah. I'm not jealous that she can break the Fourth Wall better than me. What I am jealous of is that she's more Canon than I am.
You're improving, at least. There was that bag in episode 45, and you even got a speaking line in the finale.
Yeah, but Pinkie's a Main Character. Which means the Plot revolves around her, and she gets to push us background ponies around.
Well, think of it this way. You may not be much in the canon, but you are popular in the fanon.
Nopony cares about your fanon! It doesn't count! Besides, what do I get out of your fanon? An unhealthy obsession with a non-existent species and a marefriend who's never the same in Canon twice!
C'mon, Lyra, don't be a spoilsport.
So I'm just Lyra today?
Yeah, Heartstrings never caught on for me.
Great. Toss out the name that sounds vaguely pony-ish and keep the human-ish one. Are You sure You're not making me obsessed with humans?
I'm not, I promise you.
You're not gonna turn me into a human either, are You? Man, I hated that story. I mean, kidnapped at birth? Really?
That story was good too, and no, I'm not gonna do that either.
Every fic has a hook, though, doesn't it? What's Your hook?
You're a stalker who followed Twilight from Canterlot and--
Didn't I do that fic? Like, I was a spy following her around to make sure she was okay?
I haven't read that one.
Oh, geez, don't bother. It's dumb.
Wait, I'm writing you, aren't I? How would I know Spyra is dumb?
Are You actually writing me? I mean, I can feel myself saying stuff, and Your stuff is in italics.
It's all kind of confusing at this point.
So, yeah, don't make me a spy, please.
No, you're not a spy. Actually, you followed her to Ponyville because you're crazily in love with her.
Oh, boy, really? Gee, that sounds fun! I can't wait!
Look, can you just cut the sass already? This prologue is a lot longer than I meant it to go.
Okay, fine. I am at Your beck and call, O Author.
That's more like it. Okay, so, kick off the story.
You know what, I just got Your script, and, uh, no. This is dumb. I mean, You even called it Lyra the Stalker? I'm just gonna sit back and wait for Background Pony to update[1].
Lyra plushie.
Oh, Celestia! Don't mention that thing again!
Wait, you actually know about that?
I exist in every product, Canon or fanon. Even... that one.
Start the story or I remind you why it's sending you into convulsions.
Okay, fine! Geez! “It was a dark and stormy night!” There, you happy?
No, read your actual script.
But it's so... sappy.
I wonder why so many people confused it for a puppet...
All right, all right! “Lyra felt that familiar pitter-patter in her heart as the lovely Twilight Sparkle walked by.” There, You happy?
Absolutely.
Chapter 1
Lyra felt that familiar pitter-patter in her heart as the lovely Twilight Sparkle walked by. She was graceful, beautiful, flawless, bewitching, gorgeous, spell-binding, okay, we get it.
Sorry.
Am I in love with her or are You?
You. Now where was I?
Spell-binding.
Right:
Spell-binding, utterly perfect in every way. Lyra could watch the voluptuous librarian go anywhere. Of course, she was interrupted by her good friend, Bon Bon.
“Are you staring at Twilight again?” she asked.
So, which voice is she using this time?
Hey, you're supposed to be responding.
Oh, yeah, sorry. “Kind of,” replied Lyra. “I can't help it! She's just so entrancing, so luminescent, so are you using a thesaurus or what?”
Wait, did you just say that to Bon Bon?
Drat.
“Why would I be using a thesaurus?” asked Bon Bon suspiciously.
You're just making her say that to get back at me from the prologue.
Maaaybe.
“Ugh, you're awful,” commented Lyra.
“Awful? Lyra, you're being so mean today!” cried Bon Bon.
“No, no, I didn't mean it at you!” Lyra responded.
“Well, then, who did you mean it to?” she asked.
“The Author!” said Lyra. Now hold on. I'm not letting her know about You.
What? But I had a great backstory for you and everything!
No, I'm not... having... had told her, whatever. This is weird enough having to deal with it. I highly doubt I could explain it to a normal pony like Bon Bon.
Aww. Can I least let Pinkie know?
Sure. I've talked to her a couple of times out of Canon. Anyway, I'm gonna scratch what You just said.
Fine.
“Well, then, who did you mean it to?” she asked.
“The Author! Twilight. She's... awful, taunting me like that.”
“Oh, okay,” said Bon Bon, her normal cheerfulness returning. “You've really got to stop obsessing over her, though. I'm sure she thinks it's creepy.”
“I can't help it!” she opined. “I want to talk to her, but she's just so... important.”
“Why don't you get a book from her, then?” Bon Bon asked. “That should be an easy way to get the chance.”
“Whenever I go, though, the door is always, er, locked.”
Locked? Does the library even have a lock?
No. Actually, by some twist of fate, I'm always stopping by when the Canon is going. Same difference, really.
“Besides,” Lyra added, “I don't think I could muster up the courage to talk to her anyway. I'd mutter and stammer and not look her in the eye--”
“That is enough, Lyra!” said Bon Bon. “I know you better than anyone else in Ponyville, and I believe in you! If you won't believe in yourself, believe in me who believes in you!”
“Really?” Lyra asked. “A Gurren Lagann reference?”
Hey, if it's appropriate... and you said that in the story again.
Dang it!
“Goo-wren... Log-on?” Bon Bon sounded out the foreign words, utterly perplexed. Apparently, she didn't spend all her time watching stupid anime on the Internet and did something useful with her life.
Hey, leave me out of this.
Nah, don't think so.
“It's a... Nippony thing,” said Lyra. “The kirin make a show called that.” Ooh, you're so smart, you know what a kirin is. And do You have to italicize it every time? It makes my head hurt.
Shut up, Lyra. I thought referencing the Japanese unicorn would be appropriate here.
Whatever.
“Oh, I see.” Bon Bon wasn't wholly convinced. “In any case, do you have any plans for this evening?”
“Yeah, I've got a composition to write,” she replied. This wasn't entirely true. While Lyra did have a composition to write, that wasn't what she would be doing tonight. She had much more... exciting plans.
Do You really have to be so vague? It's in the dang title. Everyone knows I'm going to be camping out Twilight's house, or whatever You have planned.
Hey! I was gonna do a jump cut to it and everything! Now you've ruined it.
Well, if it'll get this stupid story over with, why don't You just do it anyway?
But... my suspense... ;_;
Ugh. Please don't do emoticons anymore. My brain read that as “semicolon underscore semicolon.”
All right, Lyra. I won't do any more. ;)
I'm watching You, buster.
Just help me with the jump.
Fine.
Lyra sat by the window with binoculars to her eyes. She had climbed into a nearby bush, not realizing that it was a nettle bush a nice little bush with plush, fluffy leaves.
Don't mess with the story without my permission.
I'm the one climbing into it, right? If I'm an experienced stalker, I'd know which bushes to choose.
…
Right, moving on. She watched as Twilight went about her nightly routine. Lyra had it nearly memorized: first a quick brush of her hair, then changing into her jammies. You know we don't usually wear pajamas, right?
Shush. Seeing people change is creepy, so it'll fit perfectly.
Yes, but watching ponies change isn't.
Rest of the routine.
Fine. Finally, Twilight kissed the top of Spike's head and tucked him in. It was so cute, in her bookish little way. At last, she wiggled herself into her bed. That was Lyra's favorite part. The undulation seemed so... erotic to the mint unicorn. No, my favorite part was definitely the forehead kiss.
Who's writing this, you or me?
Who's living it? Anyway.
Lyra packed up her things, satisfied. Another wonderful night of watching the mare of her dreams go about her daily life. In her heart of hearts, Lyra yearned to weave herself within that same routine, to also be kissed before being tucked into bed. She wanted to hold Twilight close and love her, but her heart just could not find the way to speak to that wonderful purple unicorn.
Suddenly, out from the bushes jumped Pinkie Pie.
Am I not allowed to go one paragraph without being interrupted?
Ssh! This is important!
What do you mean? What's happening?
Ssh! You've got to let it--
PINKIE PIE jumps from the bushes. She begins to wave her forelegs about, calling out to everypony in the nearby vicinity:
PP: Wolf! There's a wolf in the town! And it's gonna gobble us all up!
Lights flick on one by one as townsfolk begin scurrying about in panic.
PP: Everypony run for your lives!
The lights in the Ponyville library turn on, and TWILIGHT SPARKLE comes on screen. She has frazzled hair, and she is wearing silk pajamas adorned with her cutie mark.
TS: Pinkie? What's going on?
PP: (overly earnest) There's a wolf in Ponyville, and it's gonna eat us all up!
TS: Are you sure it wasn't just your imagination?
PP: (a faint smile on her face) No, Twilight, honest! I saw it up by Sugarcube Corner.
TS: Then I'll go alert the mayor! Everypony, remain calm! Try to stay together.
Twilight leaves the screen. We follow Twilight as she...
...Was that it?
Yup, I think we're good.
What was that?
The Canon. Or at least, it sort of felt like it.
Oh. … Oh! I was gonna do this later!
What do you mean?
I wanted to weave a pseudo-canon into this story. It's like "The Boy who Cried Wolf," only in pony format.
Did you set it in the daytime?
Yeah, actually. It was gonna be when you tried to talk to Pinkie for advice.
You nitwit! This scene has to take place at night! Pinkie has to wake everypony up for it to really make sense!
Oh, you're right. I apologize.
It's all right. I'm pretty used to it by now.
Pretty used to the canon interrupting you, or to me messing up?
Both.
Ha-ha.
So, is that what You were really going for?
Well, I didn't want it to be in script format, and I certainly didn't want it to be Courier New[1].
The Canon is all-powerful. It even bends lesser Authors to its whim.
You just learned that. Don't pretend you already knew that.
Grr. So, what am I supposed to be doing next?
Err, I forgot. The script's all bungled now, so... how about this?
“What are you doing by Twilight's house?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“Eep!” cried Lyra. She nearly jumped up half a mile.
“Don't you live on the other side of Ponyville? What are you doing here this late?”
“Oh, that is, I...” Lyra stammered. I don't know what You want me to say!
You didn't have a plan if you got caught?
I just started this gig! We're only a thousand words in!
Well, think of something!
You think of something!
Who's living this?
And who's writing it?
“Uh... Lyra? You okay?”
“Yes, of course!” she said, face aglow with a fake cheery smile. “I was, uh, going to return a book! But, uh, Twilight just left, so I can't.”
“You'd better be careful. Pinkie says there's a wolf in Ponyville.” Rainbow reaffixed the goggles she was wearing and flew off. “Stay indoors!” she hollered to the wind.
Wait, did You mention she was wearing goggles?
No. She's wearing them to help see the wolf better. It's part of her weather leader uniform.
Did You explain that, mister genius Author?
I just did.
…
This is an unusual fic.
Yeah, I know. Quoting Yourself is the lowest form of humor. Oh, and You just sent away Your only plot hook.
Drat. Ooh, how about:
Suddenly, Rarity walked by. No, You can't do that. You literally just did that.
Ugh, I'm out of ideas.
Okay, look. How about we just call it a chapter?
But we didn't do anything! You looked at Twilight once!
And I talked with Bon Bon, and we watched the Canon go through us, and I talked with Rainbow Dash.
But it's so short!
Look, You said You're new to this, right?
Yeah, I guess.
So let's start small and work from here. I'll go home, take a nice bubble bath, and wake up tomorrow for the next chapter.
Okay, that sounds reasonable.
Good. See You tomorrow.
...Wait a minute! Did I just get bossed around by my own character?!
Maaaybe.
I thought you said quoting someone was lazy humor.
Yes, but that was You, and this is me.
Goodnight, you prissy pony.
Goodnight, You awful Author.
Gah, that's so hard to say!
Then why'd you write it?
But you... but I... but... ugh!
I win.
Chapter 2
In this cold, dreary unlife that I now live, the other ponies here in Ponyville are like braziers, cheerily blazing with their hope and happiness. And so I am warmed, at least a little, by the dang it, it’s this story again, isn’t it?
Uh, yeah. Sorry.
So, you’re ready for another round of abuse from me, huh?
No. I’m hoping I’ll get you under control and we can get this stinkin’ fic written.
Not very likely. So, what’s the plan for today, Author?
Hmm… well, you went home after seeing Twilight. So now it’s morning.
The sun brought its golden light through the windows of the tired green unicorn. She angrily pulled the covers back over her head. It was too early. She'd rather stay in bed today.
Get up or I sic Bon Bon on you.
Fine. Lyra reluctantly got herself out of bed and found her way to the bathroom. She applied a bit of toothpaste to her toothbrush, minty like her own coat, and gave her teeth a quick once-over. Are You going to narrate every minutia of my life, or can I get to actually important stuff?
Okay, you got me. I just wanted to compare your coat to mint toothpaste.
Smooth. Anywho, I'm gonna skip anything else You had planned and just start the day. How's that sound?
I kind of want these to be longer. How else am I supposed to do that if I don't add some extra detail?
Just let me go find some ponies to talk to.
Well, according to my script, the canon shouldn't interrupt us again unless you talk to Rarity.
Gotcha, stay away from Rarity. As Lyra made her way to the concert hall, her mind wandered back to the pony of her dreams. The soft mane, the beautiful cutie mark, the perfectly twisting horn. Okay, seriously, you're starting to creep me out.
Shut up. I'm just very good at writing like someone who is obsessed.
Of course you are. How could she spend any moment without the librarian that haunted her every waking second? But she had no choice. Twilight probably didn't even know her name. So long as she was still an outsider to the Bearer of the Element of Magic, she could never win her heart.
Along the way, she came upon Cheerilee, the teacher in charge of the Ponyville schoolhouse. “Hello, Lyra!” Cheerilee said with an eager wave.
“Hey, Cheery,” said Lyra. Cheerilee must have caught the tone in her voice, as her happy demeanor instantly faded.
“What's wrong, Lyra? Something troubling you?” she asked.
“I suppose. Can I tell you a secret?”
“Of course! We used to be best friends in college; you can tell me anything!”
Oh, geez, You're referencing that story too?
Why not? Didn't you like that one?
Have I liked any of my fics?
Point taken.
“You're totally right, Cheery,” said Lyra. “Here's the thing: I kind of have a crush on Twilight.”
“Twilight? As in Twilight Sparkle?”
“No dip, Sherlock!”
Why do you keep saying embarassing stuff in-character?
I'll get You for this.
Cheerilee was taken aback. “Wha, what's that supposed to mean?”
“I'm so sorry!” said Lyra. “I'm just really out of sorts right now. What I meant to say was, yes, Twilight Sparkle. She's just so popular and cool, and I'm so lame and normal.”
“Oh, don't say that, Lyra,” the schoolteacher responded. “You might be one of the coolest ponies I know!”
Didn't we break up in that fic You just referenced? Because she thought I was lazy and didn't have good priorities?
I don't remember. Just roll with it.
Your inconsistency.
“Gee, thanks, Cheery,” Lyra said. “That really means a lot.”
“Now, all you have to do is ask her. It doesn't have to be anything too formal. Just get the chance to spend some time with her.”
Oh, I've spent plenty of time with her... She just didn't know about it. Lyra thought to herself. Ugh... that was so corny it made my head hurt.
Shut up. And now I'm confused. You're not supposed to use italics.
I was thinking! That's how it works!
“How should I ask her? I barely know her,” Lyra lamented.
“Well, maybe you should talk to one of her friends. They might be able to help you.” As Cheerilee was talking, she suddenly waved to a passing pony. “Oh, how about her? I've seen her talking with Twilight.”
The white unicorn walked over to Cheerilee. “And how are you, Miss Cheerilee?” she asked, her lustrous hair shining in the morning sun.
“Just fine,” said Cheerilee. “Actually, Lyra here wanted to talk to you.”
White unicorn... lustrous hair? …! Lyra! Abort! Abort!
“Uh, yeah,” she said. “Do you know Twilight Sparkle?”
Lyra, get out of there!
Ugh, I'm trying to talk to this friend of Twilight's. Is that really such a big deal?
“Of course, my dear. She's one of my closest friends!” replied the pretty mare.
That's Rarity, you dunce! You're supposed to stay away from her!
How was I supposed to know that? I've never met her before!
“Ah. I was wondering... could you, maybe, introduce me to her?”
You don't remember her from Background Pony? Or any other fic you've been in? Or, heck, you even met her in the canon!
No, in this fanon I've never met her! And I saw her at Cadance's wedding, but I never learned her name!
“It would be my treat! Shall we say, this afternoon?”
Why are you still talking to her? You've got to get out of here, or the canon will interrupt us again!
All right, all right!
“Sure, sounds great! Well, I've gotta go, I'll see you this-”
“Say, have we met before? You look very familiar...”
“I doubt it. I used to live in Canterlot until recently.”
“Aha! That's it! I do believe I saw you at a concert. You're a harpist, are you not?”
So, why am I not supposed to be talking to Rarity, again?
It wasn't talking to her, it was being in her vicinity! She's got a scene coming up with Pinkie...
Pinkie's the pink one, right?
Yes! You saw her last night!
Well, she's coming up the path right now!
Darn it!
“Umm, Lyra? Are you still there?”
Get her away from Pinkie! Maybe we can delay this scene!
“Oh, of course. Why don't we walk this way and talk?”
“You know, I'd love to, but I'm getting this... strange feeling... like I need to do something right now.”
“Hey, wait--”
As PINKIE PIE hops merrily down the road, RARITY can be seen talking to CHEERILEE and a background pony. RARITY turns and sees PINKIE coming.
RARITY: Hello, Pinkie. We need to talk.
PINKIE: (giggles) Okay! In fact, we're talking right now! Hooray!
RARITY: That's not what I meant. You scared the whole town last night!
PINKIE: Yeah, wasn't it fun? It was like a super prank, or maybe a mega prank! Or a yottaprank, perhaps?
RARITY: It was mean, Pinkie!
PINKIE: Oh, Rarity, it wasn't that bad. Nopony got hurt, right?
RARITY: No, but people's feelings were hurt! How would we know if a real wolf were attacking if you keep calling these false alarms?
PINKIE: (downcast) I guess I didn't think of it that way. All right, Rarity. I won't pretend there are any more wolf attacks.
RARITY: Good. I'm glad we had this discussion. Now, how would you like to come with me to the spa?
PINKIE: (bubbly) Sure! [RARITY walks coolly along, with Pinkie following a bit behind. As a final tag, we hear PINKIE say to herself:] Besides, I know something even scarier... a bear attack!
Cut for commercial.
Wait, isn't Rarity going to come back?
Nope. In fact, she probably won't even remember the conversation.
Oh no, I really did get Background Pony mixed up in this, didn't I?
Relax. She won't remember Cheerilee, either. The conversation wasn't important to the Plot, so she won't remember it.
Oh. That does kinda suck, doesn't it?
Yeah. See, Cheerilee's still wearing off from it. If I were to walk away right now, she probably wouldn't even remember me either.
Huh. … Wait, she won't remember the conversation anymore?
Yup. Like it never happened.
So she won't remember to introduce you to Twilight?
Crap!
Crap is right! I just lost a whole scene again! Dang it, stupid canon!
You have no idea. Imagine planning a race for an entire year, only for your chance to run it being completely overshadowed by two idiots fighting each other. Do you know what place I got? No, you don't, because it didn't matter, so it didn't happen. Or imagine getting the chance to be a bridesmaid to one of the most popular princesses in Canterlot, only for her to turn out to be evil all along. Do you know what happened to me afterward? Do you really care?
Well, you got turned into a zombie--
A thrall, actually. But what about after that? I jumped to catch the flowers and disappeared into the caves. Then what?
You were dispatched, so it didn't matter to the story.
Exactly. For all they knew, I could have died!
What actually happened?
Nothing.
Nothing?
Nothing. If you didn't see it, it didn't happen. You mentioned once that You're not fictional. That's what it's like. We exist as constructs, like subatomic particles coming out of a field for a moment to be used, then fading away once our existence is no longer required. [1]
Do you guys even have knowledge of subatomic physics?
Don't interrupt me. And fanfiction like this is even worse, since this technically didn't happen. Tomorrow, I'll wake up, and I won't love Twilight, I won't love Bon Bon, and I won't even have a voice. I'll just stand to the side, maybe eating a snack or talking with a friend I don't know.
Wait... if the fanfictions don't actually happen, then how do you remember them?
My curse. The same way as I talk to you. I subconsciously remember every “me” that has ever existed.
Wow...so, hold on. What about this?
Lyra's Conquest
Once upon a time, there was a mare named Lyra. She was smart, witty, and loved to have fun. She wasn't obsessed with humans, she wasn't cursed to be forgotten, and she couldn't hear the Author talking to her. She lived a long and happy life with Bon-bon, the mare of her dreams, and she had many wonderful children. When she finally breathed her last breath, it was the breath of a life well spent. [2]
Did you... live that? Do you... remember that?
...Yes, I do remember that.
Hold on, are you crying? I didn't mean to--
Nah, it's all right. I just... thanks, I guess. We've gotta get back to the actual story, though.
Well, I'm kinda lost. I was gonna jump to your afternoon meeting with Rarity, but that won't work anymore. Hmm... what would you like to do?
Huh? You mean, you want me to choose?
Well, I'll have you talk to a friend of yours, and Twilight'll walk by. I'm thinking, “shenanigans as you try to follow her.” So, any friends of yours you'd like to meet with?
Nope, sorry. Until you introduce someone, they don't exist as my friend.
Ugh, so you don't have any friends until I say you do, but if I say you do, then it's really just me choosing, huh?
Pretty much.
...That kind of fic, huh?
Yup.
Well, here's a compromise. I'll pick three, then you can pick the one you like the best.
Sounds like a plan.
All right, here goes: Sea Swirl--
She's a loony. Pass.
Berry Punch.
Drunkard.
...and Derpy Hooves.
You suck.
Sorry, that was just the first three that came to mind! And they're all your friends now, so suck it.
Sigh... So, do I have to pick right now?
I'll give you a jump cut.
Great.
Lyra sat in a daze as the pony across from her continued with her mad ravings. She definitely shouldn't have let Berry order a fifth glass. Why was she Lyra's friend again?
Because as I'm writing this, my Internet's down, and I can't find you anypony new. So just live with it.
Ugh. Apparently, Berry was complaining about some conspiracy she saw in the local alcohol dealers of Ponyville. She swore left and right that they raised their prices when she came around. Lyra only sighed and continued to nibble at her salad. She mourned her choice of friends, her departure from Canterlot, and the general stupidity of the Author that was currently writing for her.
Oh, Lyra. Must you?
When are we getting to the good part?
Right now. Geez, must you be so antsy?
At the very front of the cafe, the bell tinkled softly. Lyra turned about and saw the gorgeous Twilight Sparkle walk in. Oh, great, here comes the unending praise again.
All right, I'll try and turn it down a bit.
As Twilight walked by the table where Lyra and Derpy sat,
Hey, wait a minute, you can't switch people! Er, ponies. You know what I mean.
And yet I just did.
Lyra's eyes followed. [3] She prayed that Twilight hadn't noticed Lyra's hungry stare on her. If she had, she made no reaction. Lyra waved off Sea Swirl
Now you're just doing it to show off.
and slowly followed behind Twilight. When Twilight stopped, Lyra hid behind a column nearby, her breath caught in her throat. She waited until Twilight resumed her tread towards her destination before allowing herself to breathe.
!Alarm! 99.99
Holy-! That really wasn't funny, you idiot.
Hey, I thought it was.
And what would you have done if I'd given away my position?
Improvised. I'm quite a bit better at it than I was back when we started.
Yeah, we're gonna have to talk about that. If this weren't in the middle of the action, I'd have some choice words for you right now.
Just get on with the--
A whole year, dang it! A whole flippin' year where you didn't so much as touch this story! Believe me, that messes with my poor fictional brain.
Like you said. Save it for chapter 3.
Ugh. All right. As Twilight continued on, Lyra slunk through the crowded restaurant. “Slunk?”
Past tense of “slink.”
Sure.
At last, Twilight sat down. Apparently, she was eating with a yellow pegasus friend of hers. From where she was positioned, Lyra could just barely hear what Twilight was saying.
“Thanks for coming, Fluttershy. I know you'll love the food they have here.”
“I don't know... I would much rather cook my own food...” Fluttershy replied.
“I know, but you should try something new now and again, right?”
“I-I suppose.”
“Great! Now, I wonder where our waiter is,” Twilight remarked.
Oh, no... Don't tell me we're...
Yup.
This was your plan?
Nope. Just came up with this five minutes ago. But I'm sure it'll be hilarious.
But I don't know the first thing about being a waiter!
Exactly! :D
Oh my goodness, you're such a wierdo.
Chop-chop. Make with the waitering.
“Waitering?”
Yes, go.
All right, all right! Geez.
Lyra knew immediately what to do. It may be a tired, worn-out, ludicrous plan, but if she wanted to get close to Twilight, she was going to have to be undercover.
She made her way into the kitchen, where all around the chef ponies had their hooves full preparing the food that was sent out to the entire café. They were all oblivious as Lyra slipped on an apron and put a pencil behind her ear. So prepared, nopony would be the wiser that she wasn't part of the staff.
She returned to Twilight's table. With a pleasant bow, she told them, “Bon après-midi, mademoiselles. How may I serve you?”
The two of them looked at her with blank expressions. “Uhh... this isn't a French cafe, is it?” said Twilight after a second.
“I don't know what that means,” Fluttershy said. “Could you start over again?”
You didn't think to mention that this wasn't a French restaurant?
I never said it wasn't.
Thanks.
Lyra coughed to break the awkwardness. “I'm so sorry. It was a... prank, from my colleagues, you see. How can I help you?”
“Are you still serving breakfast?” Fluttershy asked.
“Uhh...”
The correct answer is always yes.
“Yes!” Lyra said.
“But here it says breakfast ended at noon, and it's 2:24. That is 'after noon,' by definition,” Twilight noted.
Well, it should be, anyway. If I want to eat pancakes for dinner, that's my business!
I hate You so much.
“Well, if you two saviors of Ponyville on several occasions want breakfast, then I'm sure I can convince the chef in the back to make it for you special.”
“Oh, goodness, no,” Fluttershy murmurs. “I wouldn't want to get you in trouble.”
“Besides, we'll probably want to get something we can swap with each other. What would you recommend?”
I swear, it's like You're trying to give me every difficult question they could ask me!
Indeed. That's the joke. And be thankful I didn't have you say that to them.
Well, you're out of luck, because I've seen the menu, and I know what I was going to order, so that's what I'll recommend!
“I would get the Filly cheesesteak, as a matter of fact. That's my favorite thing here.”
“Oh, I'm sorry,” Fluttershy said, “but... I'm just a teeny-tiny bit lactose intolerant. Is there anything else I can get?”
Psyche.
“All right,” Lyra said, trying desperately to maintain her composure, “how about the veggie burger?”
“I think that has onions. I don't like those.”
“What about the nachos?”
“Don't those have cheese too?” Twilight asked.
“Okay...” Lyra replied through gritted teeth, “how about the kale chips?”
“That's a side!” Twilight peered at her. “Are you sure you know what you're doing?”
“Of course, of course!” Lyra said a bit too loudly. “I'm just... out of dishes.”
Or you're out of vegetarian dishes, wise guy.
What can I say? I love my meat.
That's sick. Also, “cheesesteak” doesn't exist without steak, which we don't have.
Can it. I think I can come up with something else.
“Oh.” Fluttershy put one hoof over her eyes, then stabbed at a random item on the menu. “What about the... pesto pizza? And the... penne alfredo?”
“Yes! Perfect! Glad to serve you!” Lyra turned around and began to run off.
“Wait! You didn't bring us our water!”
“Of course, I'll bring it right to you--”
“Wait!” Twilight stopped her again. “You're not wearing a name tag.”
“...No, I'm not, ma'am. It's still being printed in the back.”
“Well, what's your name, then?”
Uhh... “Heartstrings, ma'am.”
Nice.
I'm sure that won't came back to bite me in the-
Twilight smiled. “All right, Heartstrings. Just do your best. I can tell you've been having a rough day, so just relax and serve us as best as you can.”
Lyra melted under Twilight's kind gaze. “O-of course, ma'am. It'll be my pleasure.”
The rest of Lyra's mock job was surprisingly uneventful. Mostly because I assume You can't figure out what else to do.
I probably could, but I kind of want to get this chapter over with.
Spilling the water glasses? Mixing up their orders? Giving Fluttershy mac and cheese?
Don't tempt me.
Doesn't alfredo have cheese in it?
...Oops. My bad.
What kind of restaurant is this anyway?
I don't know, I don't care, end chapter time!
At last, it was over. Lyra picked up the bill and took it to Twilight and Fluttershy, who were pleasantly chatting after their meal. She handed it to Twilight with an inelegant flourish.
“Ah, thank you, Heartstrings,” she said. “Here is my Royal Express credit account.”
I have no idea what to do with this.
I have no idea either. I'm basically making up a pseudo-modern, pseudo-medieval credit system on the fly. Just... take it to the manager or something.
Or the maitre d'?
Hardy-har.
“Oh, Twilight, I couldn't possibly let you pay for it all,” Fluttershy said.
“Please, I invited you, so it's only fair.”
“I'll pay you back later, I promise.”
“There's no need to do that, Fluttershy.”
“Is everything all right?” Lyra asked.
“Yes, just a second.” They argued for a little bit longer, while Lyra anxiously tapped her hoof. She was sure she was going to get caught soon, and she didn't need to stick around any longer than necessary.
Finally, they reached a conclusion. “Put 66.7% of the bill on my account, and Fluttershy will pay the other 33.3%.”
How much is that? I'm not so good at math.
2/3 for Twi, 1/3 for Shy.
Thanks.
See, we work together pretty well.
Yeah, right.
“Very well,” Lyra said. She collected the money from Fluttershy and the account numbers from Twilight. “If that will be all...”
“Yes. Thank you so much, Heartstrings!” Twilight said. That honest, friendly gaze. Lyra could hardly bear it.
“Not at all.” She took the bill back to the manager, who tallied it without a second glance at the mare carrying it. When Lyra got back to the table, she saw a small stack of bills waiting for her. When she counted it up, something deep inside her sank.
Twilight was a terrible tipper.
… What, that's it?
Sure. It's kind of a funny little quip right at the end there. I don't know what else you want to do.
Yeah, but it just kind of... ends.
What do you want to do? If you have any ideas, feel free.
No, I guess it's all right. I mean, the scene's over, Twilight's gone, so... yeah, I guess. It just seems kind of inconclusive.
How do you mean?
Well... You know what, mind if I take the reins for a minute?
...What are you trying to do?
Hey, if this conversation is in the story, then it's not like anypony will think You wrote this.
Yeah, but... letting you be the Author for a bit. That's a lot of power.
I promise I won't abuse it, smartie. Besides, you said we were a good team, right?
Wow, pulling that card, are you? All right. I want to see what your idea is.
Trust me, it needs resolution.
Oh? What did I forget?
This.
Berry Punch sat at her table, drunkenly passed out. A waiter approached her. “Excuse me, ma'am, but we're closing up. I'm afraid you'll have to leave.”
“Noooo,” Berry replied. “I'm waiting for my friend to come back from the bathroom.”
“There's nopony in the bathroom, ma'am. We've checked already.”
“Awww....”
“I'm afraid that means you'll need to go home, ma'am.”
And a downcast, sad-hearted Berry Punch had to walk home alone through the rain.
Bam.
...You really don't like Berry Punch, do you?
Nope.
I can't decide if that's funnier than what I was gonna do. I wanted her to blow your cover at one point, but then I couldn't figure out how to bring it back to the “terrible tipper” thing.
Yeah, that's really not that funny.
Awww...
And on that note, see You again next time?
Hopefully “next time” won't be another year from now.
Please don't. I'd like You to at least finish this. There's nothing worse than a half-finished story I'm in.
Really? How so?
Another time, Author. Another time. Besides, we haven't really discussed Your “hiatus” yet.
Welp, that's all, folks!
Don't You try to end the story just to get out of this discussion! I'll have You know You made me--
