Lost cause: Harmonious Brutality

I was awoken by a fast paced knocking, coming from the front door. I looked down to see Derpy, still cuddled up into my chest, sound asleep. I groaned. 'I'm gonna have to get up, aren't I?' I thought. I groaned again, and, with a few muttered complaints from Derpy (even some from me), made my out of Derpy's bedroom and headed off towards the front door. When I reached the door, I opened it to reveal Twilight, her large, purple eyes dilated in fear. She visibly relaxed, however, when she saw me.

"Sup, Twi." I said with a yawn. She glared at me with such intensity at those words, that, if I wasn't half asleep, I would've been cowering in the corner.

"That's all you have to say to me after you've been missing for nearly 24 hours!" The lavender unicorn practically screamed at me.

I blinked. "It can't have been that long, couldn't it?" I said to myself, then to Twilight "I came to Derpy's at around 1 or something. Surely it hasn't been nearly a full day."

Twilight's glare intensified. "You're right. It hasn't been nearly a full day." She said, her voice dangerously soft. "It has been more than a full day! I've been sitting at home, worrying about you! You didn't come down to tell me you were staying at Derpy's, and the only person who knew where you were was Pinkie, and she was being incredibly cryptic. She kept giggling to herself and saying 'I can't believe they're together! It's so adorable!'. What in Equestria were you doing!" She shrieked.

I grinned. "So Pinkie didn't tell you?" I asked, receiving a nod from the enraged unicorn. My grin grew. This was gonna be great. "Well, Twilight, last night, I was cuddling up with my new marefriend." (I decided to use the ponies way. Deal with it.)

The look on Twilights face was priceless. She went from pure rage, to shock in a matter of milliseconds. I laughed at her expression. "Oh my god!" I said between fits of laughter. "I wish I had a camera! Oh, wait. I do!" I whipped out my phone and quickly snapped a picture. I had left the flash on, however, and the sudden bright light seemed to snap Twilight out of her shock.

"B-but, you... And Derpy... How?" Was all she managed to say.

"I'd rather not say any details, but I came over her yesterday and Derpy and I made muffins. One thing lead to another, and bam!" I clapped my hands, making Twilight jump. "We then spent the rest of the day, and the night, together."

As I said this, Twilights face changed once again. It was now full of joy, and I even think I saw a flash of jealousy in her eyes, but if I did, it was only for a split second.

"That's great!" She said, beaming. "It's good to know Derpy has finally found somepony special for her!" She then muttered something. I'm not sure, but it sounded like 'Even if it was before me...'

"Who is it, Ant?" Came Derpy's voice from inside the house, breaking the slight awkward silence that had fallen upon us.

"It's just Twilight!" I called back. I heard some shuffling from the bedroom, before the muffled clip-clopping of hooves on carpet was heard. Suddenly Derpy was by my side, yawning.

"Hey, Twilight." She said, after finishing her yawn. "What brings you here?"

Twilight greeted Derpy. Then her face lit up, like she just remembered something. "Oh, yeah!" She exclaimed. "Anthony, I just got a letter from the Princess. She said that Princess Luna and herself wanted an audience later in the week, preferably during the week."

I nodded. "Well then, what day is it?" I asked. "I'd like to know when we should go."

"Well, it's Thursday today." Twilight stated. She put a hoof up to her mouth, in thought. "I'm thinking, maybe we could go next Monday or Tuesday? That gives us time to tell the girls and get everything ready."

I nodded again. "Sounds like a plan." I turned to Derpy. "I don't think you'd be able to come. Will you be fine with me leaving for a few days?"

She smiled. "Of course! Especially for something so important as a meeting with the Princesses!"

I smiled back. "Thanks, hon." I then leaned down and kissed her. When I looked back up, Twilight was looking at us with wet eyes. "D'awww! Pinkie was right! You two are so cute!"

I couldn't help but notice a little bit of jealousy in her voice. 'Hmmmm.' I thought. 'I'd better keep my eye on her. You never know what a jealous woman, regardless of species, is capable of.'

My stomach grumbled. "Fwoah!" I exclaimed, rubbing my belly. "What time is it? I'm starving!"

Twilight grinned, then said "Well according to the position of the sun, i'd say it's about 2:30. Looks like your a bit late for breakfast, huh Ant?"

I blinked. "Fuck me! I normally sleep in, but never by that much! No wonder i'm so hungry." I stated.

Suddenly, Derpy's stomach grumbled as well. "Jeez, i'm starving as well!"

Twilight grinned. "Don't worry guys. I'll take us all out for lunch." We both started to thank her, but she held up her hoof to silence us. "On one condition. Don't run off on me again, Anthony."

I grinned. "No worries, Twilight. Are we going to the same place as last time?"

"No." Twilight said, shaking her head. "We're going to a less snobbish place. Don't ask for meat again. Please. I mean, I know your probably an omnivore, considering your canines, but you'll freak out everypony if you ask for meat. So just don't."

I looked at her, stunned. "You could figure out i'm an omnivore, just by looking at my teeth? Dat's insane!" I exclaimed, putting on a British accent, hoping to confuse her. It worked.

"Yes." She said, cautiously. "I try to study up on everything, even carnivores and omnivores. So when I saw your teeth, I just put two and two together."

I nodded. "Seems legit." I said, to which she responded, "Yes, it is legit."

At that, I started laughing uproariously. My chest heaved with laughter while I rolled around on the floor, clutching my sides.

"So he's an omnivore, right?" I heard Derpy ask Twilight. "Doesn't that mean he eats meat as well as vegetables and fruit?"

"Yeah." Twilight said. "You aren't bothered by that, are you?"

"Ehh, i'll work around it." I heard Derpy reply. "It's not like he'd eat any of us, right?"

I opened my eyes and took a deep, calming breath, only to see Twilight shrug. "I doubt it, but you just never know. We should keep an eye on him, just to be su-”

"Hey!" I said, cutting Twilight off. "I know I eat meat, but i'd never eat any sentient being. The animals back at my world didn't speak, or even have major thought processors. A lot of them were instinct based. I would never eat anything that could talk to me. That's one step off of cannibalism in my books. So to answer your question, no. I will not eat any of you. I wont even eat meat if it disturbs you all so much!"

"Oh, um... You heard that?" Twilight said, eliciting a nod from me. "Well, we should get going now. I'm getting a little hungry as well."

"Righto!" I said, walking out of the door. "Onwards and forwards!"

"Uh, Anthony?" Twilight asked.

"What?" I said. " I'm hungry, lets go!"

Twilight smiled. "You forgot to put on that weird clothing that you wear over your chest. Isn't it important?"

I smirked. I'd gone shirtless quite a bit in public. "Nah, she'll be right, mate." I said, in my fake Aussie accent. "Lets head off, ay gals?"

"Uh, sure, I guess." Twilight said, following me. Derpy, who was giggling slightly, started stretching her wings out. After a few moments, she too joined us, albeit from the air.

"So where are we off to?" I asked Twilight, who was looking at me weirdly.

"Wha-" She said, obviously being shaken from her thoughts. "Oh, sorry. I zoned out for a bit there. What was that?"

I shook my head, smiling. "Don't worry. I do that a lot too. I said where are we off to?"

"We're going to one of Ponyvilles best pubs." She said, surprising me slightly.

"You have pubs here?" I asked. "Furthermore, do you have alcohol?"

"To answer both of your questions, yes." She said. 'Fuckin ace!' I thought. 'I thought these ponies were to soft for booze!'

"Sick!" I exclaimed, pumping my fist in the air. "Now I can get pissed when i'm depressed! Joking, girls, i'm just joking!" I added quickly, after receiving to horrified looks from the two mares.

"Don't even think about that!" Derpy said, hovering in front of me. "Drinking is serious business!"

"Ok, ok." I said, holding up my hands. "I wont drink. Excessively."

Derpy's anger faded, and she said, with a grin, "And besides, a good drink is better shared between loved ones." She gave me a light peck on the lips after that.

I grinned and said, to Twilight, "That's one of the many reasons why I like her." They both laughed at that.

"Hey!" Twilight exclaimed. "Theres the pub!"

I looked up and saw a building, not unlike the others, but larger, with huge double doors and dining tables set neatly in place.

"Remember, Ant." Twilight said, with a slight chuckle. "Don't order meat!"

I chuckled and shook my head as we entered the pub.

==========

Lunch wasn't very eventful. I only got a few weird stares from some slightly tipsy ponies. Oh, and I found out their alcohol was salt! They put salt in water, and that counted as a beer! It tasted like shit, and I can't get drunk off of salt! I called bullshit to the bartenders, but they ignored me, as did most of the people there.

Other than that, the food was great, but my company was even better. We talked about a fair few things, but the main one was physical conditions. I had to explain my Erbs Palsy to them (Twilight took down some notes at that), and, in turn, Derpy explained her condition. She said that she had a neurological disorder that made her eyes go crossed whenever she was nervous or scared. Twilight stated that she has OCD, but Derpy and I already picked up on that.

After lunch, Derpy said she had to check her schedule for her next mail round, and Twilight said that she had to schedule a date to make the schedule to plan next months schedule. Don't worry, I was confused as well. She also said that I had left some of my stuff at her place, so I went with her. I also went because I wanted to look at some books.

The books I wanted to look at were about Equestrian history, the Princesses and the Equestrian social and ethical norms. I needed to study up on all of that, if I planned on living here, which I did.

==========

After a few hours of reading, I was interrupted by Derpy, who asked to speak to me privately. "Preferably at my place, if that isn't to much trouble." She asked.

"Nah, that's cool Derpy." I said, putting down the book I was reading. "I'm gonna have to tell Twilight though, otherwise she'll flip out. Again."

"Hey!" Twilights voice from the room upstairs, which I thought was her bedroom/living room. "I can hear you guys!"

Me and Derpy chuckled. "Alrighty then." I yelled back. "See ya later, Twi!"

"Bye Anthony! Bye Derpy!" She called out then, after a slight pause, "Oh, and Anthony, be sure to return those books exactly where you found them. Otherwise i'll have to re-organise the shelves again!"

I nudged Derpy. "Is she serious?" I whispered. Derpy nodded. "Great. Just great." I said, picking up the books and putting them back exactly where I got them from.

"Well then." I said, moving towards the door and holding it open for Derpy, like any gentleman should. "After you, m'lady." Derpy groaned and rolled her eyes, but smiled at my antics.

As soon as she was out of the door, however, she opened her wings and started flying, really fast, towards her house.

"The fuck..." I said, before realising what it was. A challenge. "Meh. Can't be fucked."

I started walking through the town, greeting the occasional pony that I saw. The sun was on it's way down, almost half of it below the horizon.

As I neared Derpy's house, a something pink materialised in front of me, scaring the shit out of me.

"Fucking hell, Pinkie!" I shouted, taking a few steps back in surprise. "Stop doing that!"

She ignored me, and started asking me rapid fire questions. "Hi, Ant! How are you? I'm good, if you're wondering, but I was wondering where Derpy was, I mean, you two are going out now, so you should be next to each other and hugging and doing all the other things that couples do. So where is she, huh?" She then gasped, really loudly. "You didn't already break up, did you? Oh no! That would be terrible! You must be feeling so sad now! And so would Derpy! Ohmigosh! How did my Pinkie Sense not pick up on this, because this is the worst thing ev-”

"Shut the hell up!" I shouted, cutting Pinkie off, who looked slightly shocked at my outburst. "Pinkie, I appreciate your concern, but Derpy and I are still together. Hell, we've been going out for less than a day! Why would anything bad happen in that short span of time!"

Pinkie looked down, and sighed. When she looked up, however, her eyes looked tired, but only for a split second, and she returned to her usual, bubbly self.

"Sorry, Ant!" She said, hopping on the spot. "I've just seen so many ponies get unhappy because things didn't go well with their loved ones. And I just can't have being sad, because then that makes me sad, too, and I hate being sad, so I try to make everpony as happy as possible!"

I smiled. Although her methods were strange, Pinkie only had good intentions. "It's ok, Pinkie." I said, putting one of my hands on her shoulder. "I don't think anything is going to get between me and Derpy. I know we only met recently, but I feel like we were meant to be, somehow. It's strange, love. It can hit you at the strangest times, but when it does, you cling onto it, and try not to let go." I realised what I just said, and face-palmed. "Fucking hell. When did I get so sappy?"

Pinkie giggled. "It's ok, Ant." She said, taking my hand off of her shoulder. "I thought it was beautiful. I'll see you later. The Cakes wanted me to foalsit later today. Bye!" She said, bouncing away.

"See ya, Pinks!" I called back, before walking over to Derpy's house, where I knocked on the door and waited.

After a few moments, the door opened, revealing Derpy. "What took you so long?" She asked, playfully punching my shoulder. "I thought you said you were the fastest runner here?"

I smirked. "That's exactly the reason. I didn't run." I said. "I decided to just take a walk and I talked with some ponies."

Derpy nodded. "Fair enough." She said. "Anyway, come in. I'll tell you when we're inside."

I followed her into the kitchen and sat down. She sat in my lap, and we hugged. After a while, I asked her what she wanted to ask me.

"Well." She said, clapping her two hooves together. "I was thinking, seeing as how we're going out, and you don't have a place to stay, would you like to live here, with me?"

I blinked. "Of course!" I said. "I mean, cause your offering and all. But won't it put more pressure on you, having me here?"

Derpy shook her head. "No, I had thought about this for most of the day." She said. "If you get a small job, paying maybe 20 to 40 bits a week, we could live in relatively comfortable conditions."

I nodded. "Seems legit. I reckon I could find an easy, well payed job. Wait, wouldn't I need a citizenship to get a job?"

Derpy blinked. "Oh, right." She said, face-hoofing. "You'd have to talk with the mayor. Oh wait! You're going to see the Princesses. Maybe they could help you?"

I nodded. "Sounds like a plan." I said. I then looked over towards the clock. "Woah! It's already 9 o'clock!"

Derpy looked over at the clock. "Aww, it's pretty late, and I have work early tomorrow. I should get to bed. You coming?" She asked.

"Give us a sec." I said, waving my hand. "I just need to think about something."

"Ok. Try to come in quietly when you do. I'm a fairly light sleeper." Derpy said, heading off to her, I mean our, room.

'What the hell is going on?' I thought, when I heard the door click behind her. 'I was a serial killer, and I was killed by electrocution! How am I in a world inhabited by the nicest creatures in existence? It just doesn't make sense!'

I decided to think about any little detail that I might have forgotten about the night that I appeared here.

'Right so first I was captured and sentenced to death. Then I was put into the electric chair, with that guard to make sure I didn't try to escape, or anything like that. Then the executioner came in...' My train of thought came to a screeching stop in realisation junction. 'Of course! The executioner! His eyes turned green, and he said something, what was it? Oh yeah, it was "Hell is too good for the likes of you" or something like that. He has to have a part in all of this! I wish I could tell someone about this. Wait, maybe if I could get Princess Luna's attention, I could tell her about this! Perfect!'

With that thought, I headed towards my bedroom. I opened the door, when I reached it, and walked over to the bed, in which Derpy was sleeping.

"Derpy." I whispered. "Derpy, wake up."

She mumbled, and rolled over. I shook her lightly. "C'mon Derpy, please. It's important."

"Whatsit?" She mumbled, sitting up slowly. "What do you want, Anthony?" She said, annoyance clear in her voice.

"Do you know if there's a way to get Princess Luna to come into your dreams, or does she just do it to ponies that need her help?" I asked, hoping for an answer.

My hopes were dashed, however, when Derpy said "I wouldn't have a clue. She's never come into one of my dreams, and i've never had a reason to talk to her. Now can I get back to sleep?"

"Sure." I said, crestfallen. "I'm going to bed too."

As I climbed into the bed, Derpy said "It's ok. You'll see her in less than a week. Just try to remember what you need to say."

I snorted. "Derpy, i'm the most forgetful person ever. I'd never be able to remember this."

Deroy groaned. "Just try, ok? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work early tomorrow."

"I'll try." I said, pulling my phone out of my pocket and putting my headphones in my ears. "G'night, Derpy." I said.

"Goodnight, Ant." She said, before rolling over and pulling the covers over her body.

I turned on my phone, only to see that it had less then fifteen percent remaining. 'I'll take it to Twilight and see if she can charge it again.'

I put my music on shuffle, and laid down on my back, hands behind my head.

'How could I get Luna's attention?' I thought. "Maybe if I just think about her, she'll see it. Nah, that's stupid. Eh, it's better than trying nothing, I guess.'

I closed my eyes, and thought about Luna.

Suddenly, the bed felt like it dropped from underneath me, giving me a sickening falling sensation, which stopped as fast as it came. I felt myself floating, as if I was in zero gravity.

A voice startled me. "Hello." It said. "I am Princess Celestia, co-ruler of Equestria."

I cracked open my eyes, only to see a massive pure white pony, about my height, if not taller, with an incredibly large horn, and massive wings which were unfurled to their full length. Her mane and tail were coloured in rainbow, not unlike Rainbow Dash's, but the colours were dulled, and they fluttered around, as if perpetually caught in a breeze. Her face was longer, and her lips were pulled up in a smile, but it didn't reach her eyes, which held different emotions. The most prominent were caution and uncertainty, but I think I saw a little bit of fear as well, which surprised me.

"You must be Anthony Marin." She said. "I've heard quite a bit about you."