Fallout Equestria: The Riff

Welcome to Prince Solstice’s and CartsBeforeHorses’ riff of Fallout:Equestria. Or, as we call our riff, Fallout: Equestriffa. Great, huh? So why are we riffing one of the most popular fanfics of all time? Well, it is a good fic, but obviously there is room for improvement in anything. And hey, anything is riffable! With all of that said, here is our riff of Fallout:Equestria by Kkat.

*We join our heroes as they are walking around Ponyville and bump into each other.*

Prince Solstice: Well, howdy... er... wait I haven’t met you yet have I?

CartsBeforeHorses: No, I don’t believe so. My name is CartsBeforeHorses, but you can call me Carts.

Prince Solstice: Fair enough, my name is Prince Solstice, but just call me Solstice or Sol for short.

Twilight Sparkle: Ooh, you’re royalty, too?

Solstice: Not in the way you think.

Carts: Oh yes, and this is Twilight. She and I have riffed a lot together. Ever since Pinkie transported me to Equestria and turned me into a unicorn.

Solstice: I see, and when I was teleported here, I woke up from a long toking session in a shed, with some pony named Jeff ‘The Dude’ Latrotski. He uh, he and I haven’t done a lot of riffing.

Carts: Ah, I see. Yeah, I used to smoke weed, but I quit. I just stick to my cancer sticks so that I can die and get this whole riffing thing over with as quick as possible.

Solstice: Sadly I am still enjoying it, after learning that Pinkie invades the place you’re staying at and locks you in there until you finish a riff.

Carts: Hotbox!

Solstice: Exactly. So The Dude and me just smoke and riff, but I had some free time and decided to wander around the neighborhood.

Twilight: Ah, Carts and I were just taking a walk, ourselves. We were just about to head back to the library.

Solstice: Cool beans man, whatcha gonna do back there?

Carts: Usually, Twilight just tries to teach me magic. And I normally fail, unless I’m reading bad fanfic, in which case I somehow learn spells from them. It’s really odd, actually.

Solstice: That sounds really bad for your health.

Twilight: Tell me about it. One time he learned a spell to make fake blood appear everywhere. It was a pain in the flank to clean up.

Carts: Yeah, I hardly ever learn anything useful. Unfortunately, because a lot of the fics that I read feature really OP spells in them used by alicorn OCs, but for whatever reason I can’t use them.

Solstice: Well, would you guys mind if I did a riff with ya? I still enjoy it.

Carts: Not at all! Normally Pinkie assigns us riffs when we have guests over, or even just when it’s the two of us alone in a room together. So let’s head back to the library and bring on the riff!

*Carts, Solstice, the Dude, and Twilight head back to Twilight’s library*

Solstice: I’ve always wondered how big your library really is.

Twilight: As big as the plot needs it to be.

Solstice: Yeah, I’ve noticed that it changes sizes occasionally.

Carts: Eh, you get used to it.

Solstice: So, because I’m over what do you think Pinkie will make us riff?

Carts: Who knows. I mean, most of the times I’ve had other riffers over, it’s just been like one-shots or whatever. So, probably nothing too long...

Pinkie (from TV): How wroooooooooong you are, Cartsie!

Carts: Wait, so we’re doing a long story?

Solstice: Pinkie, you know I still enjoy doing this, don’t ruin me.

Rainbow (from TV): This fic is the longest one that there is. Or, at least, used to be. It’s as long as Atlas Shrugged. It’s as long as all but the last two Harry Potter books put together.

Carts: It’s as long as my--

Twilight: (slaps Carts)

Pinkie (from TV): Drumroll, please...

Both (from TV): FALLOUT: EQUESTRIA!

Solstice: Oh boy, I love the Fallout series, no wonder it’s so long.

Carts: I’ve never played it, but I’ve heard you don’t need to have to read this fic, since it’s more of an adaptation than a true crossover.

Solstice: Still though, that raises some questions about how canon the thing is anyways. I mean it is a truly free-roam game, there is no way that any fic or adaption can come close to the feeling the game gives.

Carts: So it would be like writing a Grand Theft Auto crossover and just writing about doing all the missions, interspersed with running over hookers in your car and shooting up a bunch of people on the street like James Holmes. Not very entertaining to read, but entertaining to play.

Solstice: Very much so, except Fallout includes some things that aren’t even missions or quests. Very many places you visit can very well have their own plot, but still present major info to the game. If someone were to say, miss that, then there would be so much wrong with the canon of Fallout. It’s a massive game.

Pinkie (from TV): And this is a massive fic! It’s over 600,000 words long!

*Fallout: Equestria falls from the roof, thuds onto the floor, and causes a minor earthquake which registers on the Richter scale*

Solstice: Holy shit! That’s a fan fic?!

Carts: Wow, if the author had put that much work into it, they could have written an actual novel SERIES like Harry Potter or Twilight and made money off of it or something crazy like that.

Twilight: What about me?

Carts: Nothing. You don’t want to know.

Solstice: Vampires and sparkly teen romance, Twi.

Twilight: I see.

Carts: Alright... um... shall we begin? *gulps*

ALL: STORY SIGN!

Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria...

Carts: There were two regal sisters...

...there came an era when the ideals of friendship gave way to greed,

Carts: Oh.

Solstice: And with greed there leads to civil war?

Twilight: I guess so. I mean, that’s what the American Civil War was fought over, right?

Carts: No, it was fought over states’ rights and/or slavery.

selfishness, paranoia and a jealous reaping of dwindling space and natural resources.

Twilight: Reaping of space? How do you reap space?

Solstice: So, what natural resources does Equestria even have to offer?

Carts: Oh, well, there’s rocks, gems, and... er...

Twilight: Magic!

Solstice: Isn’t magic something super-natural?

Carts: Sort of, but Twilight has this habit of answering questions that don’t have an answer provided in the fic with one word... “magic!”

Solstice: LIKE MATH!

Twilight: It’s settled then: this war was fought over gems.

Lands took up arms against their neighbors. The end of the world occurred much as we had predicted -- the world was plunged into an abyss of balefire and dark magic.

Carts: “We?” Who’s the “we” that predicted the end of Equestria?

Twilight: That one schizophrenic homeless pony who always stands by the side of the road with a sign reading “the end is near!”

Solstice: Shouldn’t that be ‘The end is neigh’ in Equestria?”

Carts: Hmm, good point. That is what it said on the Marean Calendar, after all, which also predicted the end of the world.

Solstice: Yet here we are...

The details are trivial and pointless.

Carts: But watch me explain them for over 600,000 words.

Solstice: No but seriously, the binding on this fic is screaming.

The reasons, as always, purely our own. The world was nearly wiped clean of life. A great cleansing; a magical spark struck by pony hooves

Twilight: TIL that pony hooves can be used as magical tinderboxes in a pinch.

quickly raged out of control. Megaspells rained from the skies. Entire lands were swallowed in flames and fell beneath the boiling oceans.

Carts: Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!

Twilight: Alright, alright, I get the point.

Ponykind was almost extinguished, their spirits becoming part of the ambient radiation that blanketed the lands. A quiet darkness fell across the world...

Carts: Ah, so it was just like a typical day in Detroit.

...But it was not, as some had predicted, the end of the world.

Twilight: Oh, it wasn’t? But I thought that “the end of the world came much as we had predicted?”

Carts: Maybe you’re reading too much into this.

Solstice: She kind of has a point though. I mean it’s kind of like plot advancement device to say ‘But it was not the end of the world as they predicted.’

Carts (singing): It’s the end of the world as we know it, it’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.

Twilight: You won’t after forty more chapters of this.

Instead, the apocalypse was simply the prologue for another bloody chapter in pony history. In the early days, thousands were spared the horrors of the holocaust by taking refuge in enormous underground shelters

Carts: Ironically

Solstice: Sort of like the shed of mine having an emergency growing room under it... er... uh... Nothing.

known as Stables. But when they emerged, they

Carts: Went on tour and released a bunch of books they wrote as nuclear holocaust survivors.

Solstice: I want to make the obvious Nazi reference here.

Carts: That’s what I was going with. Did you Nazi it?

Solstice: Oh no I saw it, just didn’t want to ‘oven’ed.

Twilight: Nazi jokes, Goebbel ‘em up!

Solstice: and now the obvious one. Nazi Jokes aren’t amusing, Anne Frankly are offensive.

had only the hell of the wastes to greet them.

Carts: “Welcome to the nuclear wasteland. Population: Tire.”

Solstice: “The Nuclear Wasteland: Vacation fun for everyone... results may vary.”

Twilight: Did you know that despite being a nuclear wasteland, it still manages to have lower high school dropout and teen pregnancy rates than Mississippi?

Solstice: I didn’t know Mississippi was anything but a nuclear wasteland.

All except those in Stable Two. For on that fateful day when spellfire rained from the sky, the giant steel door of Stable Two swung closed, and never re-opened.

Carts: That stable apparently contained the only ponies in Equestria with any common sense.

Twilight: Seriously. If the end of the world just happened, and I’m in a stable with food and shelter, there’s no way I’m coming out!

Solstice: Coming out of the stable, hey guys I have something to tell you...

Carts: What’s that?

Solstice: I’m... I’m coming out of the stable... I am sexually attracted to mutants.

Twilight: That’s actually how the movie Warm Bodies came about.

Prologue: Of Pipbucks and Cutie Marks

Solstice: I didn’t know the nuclear wasteland had it’s own version of Starbucks.

If I'm going to tell you about the adventure of my life -- explain how I got to this place with these people,

Carts: People? Don’t you mean ponies?

Pinkie (from TV): Get used to it! This story makes that mistake a lot.

Solstice: Pinkie, pony fanfiction rule number one, never ever mention the word ‘people’ unless it is an HiE, and only do it in those for dramatic freak outs.

and why I did what I'm going to do next -- I should probably start by explaining a little bit about PipBucks.

What is a PipBuck?

Carts: The name of a shitty garage band I used to be in, but I digress.

Solstice: Well I am assuming that it’s a PipBoy from the game, but I am still leaning towards it being a nuclear coffee brand.

A PipBuck is a device, worn on a foreleg just above the hoof, issued to every pony in a Stable when they become old enough to start work. A blending of unicorn pony magic and science, your PipBuck will keep a constant measure of your health and even help administer healing poultices and other medicine,

Twilight: Or you could just wrap the pills in cheese to get them to take it. That works, too.

track and organize everything in your saddlepacks, assist in repairs, and keep all manner of notes and maps available at a hooftap.

Solstice: Well, can it administer coffee?

Carts: Only version 2.0 can do that. It’s called “Mister PipBuck.”

Twilight: It can also show you the movie of what will happen before it happens.

Carts: "No, go past this part. In fact, never play this part again!

Solstice: Does this fic include Nicolas Cage and his amazing power of numbers?

Carts: It freakin’ better.

Plus, it allows you to listen to the Stable broadcast whenever you would like as it can tune into and decrypt just about any radio frequency. And that's not all. A pony's PipBuck generates an E.F.S. (Eyes-Forward Sparkle) that will indicate direction

Carts: Oh, so a compass. You know, you could’ve just said *that.*

and help gauge whether the ponies or creatures around you are hostile.

Carts: How does it do that? What, does it read their mind or something?

Twilight: Magic!

Solstice: It judges them by mean looks.

Carts: Oh, so you mean just like you could already do yourself.

Twilight: Eh, I suppose a PipBuck would be helpful if you have aspergers or are blind, maybe.

Solstice: If you were blind then how would you even see the screen it’s telling you about baddies?

Twilight: You can set it to audio. I think it’s on the control panel, under accessibility settings.

And, perhaps most impressively, a PipBuck can magically aid you in a fight for brief periods of time through use of the S.A.T.S. (Stable-Tec Arcane Targeting Spell). Oh, and a feature not to be forgotten: it can keep track of the location of tagged objects or people,

Carts: People? You mean ponies, right?

Twilight: Eh, it’s an easy mistake to make.

Carts: Twice in a matter of three paragraphs?

Solstice: You are missing the point, if you learn this mysterious black magic you don’t ever need sights on a weapon anymore.

including the wearers of other PipBucks.

So if a pony somehow got lost -- don't ask me how you could get lost in a Stable, but it does happen on occasion --

Twilight: I got lost in my library once.

Carts: Seriously?

Twilight: Yeah. Lost reading an amazing book!

Carts: (slaps Twilight for horrible pun)

Solstice: I got lost in my shed once, but shit happens when you influence yourself with the magical power of booze and cannabis alike!

then anypony who knew the lost pony's tag could find them instantly.

It can even be made to glow like a lamp.

Solstice: Zoinks! I’m like, afraid of the dark, man. (Turns on a desk lamp)

So yes, PipBucks really are a testament to unicorn pony arcane science.

Twilight: Indeed, unicorns rock.

Carts: Yeah, let’s see an earth pony try and build a pipbuck!

Twilight: It would probably explode or something.

Carts: Or it would tell you that the Washington Monument is in the ocean.

Twilight: Oh, you mean like Apple maps?

Carts: Yes. Apple is literally earth ponies.

Twilight: Apple, the Apple Family, earth ponies. Makes sense to me.

Solstice: Yeah well, I think it’s safe to exclude Pinkie from that category.

Pinkie (from TV): Yeah, I built this TV and it works great!

Solstice: No Pinkie, you just have abilities not even Unicorns have mastered yet.

And yes, having a PipBuck is a big advantage. So with how wonderful and miraculous all that just sounded, it's hard to impress upon ponies who never lived in a Stable just how ordinary, how pedestrian, a PipBuck was in the eyes of the ponies living in Stable Two.

Carts: It was Stable Two’s version of the iPhone, apparently.

Solstice: Damn hipsters.

And why I was disappointed to have one as my cutie mark.

Twilight: Hey, at least you don’t have a silver spoon or a diamond tiara, or a pair of scissors or a snail as your cutie mark.

Solstice: ...Or a screw and a ball.

Every pony in Stable Two had a PipBuck. All that stuff I mentioned? Most ponies don't use even half of that.

Carts: Then why is it in there?

Twilight: Who knows. Maybe the same reason there’s like a billion apps on the app store.

Solstice: When you stumble upon the Vi-friend love app, let me know.

They just used it to tune into the Stable broadcast -- listened to the sweet, sweet voice of Velvet Remedy in the evenings or the latest school singing competitions during the day.

Carts: These ponies listen to school singing competitions in their SPARE TIME? You couldn’t pay me to go to one of those shriekfests.

Twilight: Yeah, the only time I ever went to one was when Rarity dragged me along because Sweetie Belle was competing. There’s two hours I’ll never get back.

Solstice: I thought Sweetie was good at singing.

Twilight: Yes, but just her. And that’s the problem. It’s a competition.

The Stable had two soccer leagues, one which allowed S.A.T.S. and one which prohibited it.

Carts: The S.A.T.S. soccer league also allowed ponies to use steroids.

Otherwise, most ponies paid their PipBucks almost no attention at all. The Overmare issues each pony their own PipBuck on the day of their Cutie Mark Party

Carts: But I thought that PipBucks are issued as soon as you’re old enough to work?

Twilight: Eh, same difference.

Carts: So if you get your cutie mark at age six...

Twilight: Child labor time!

Solstice: Can someone say ‘Apple?’

-- usually a day or two after you get the mark on your flanks that tells everypony what makes you special, what you're destined to be good at.

Solstice: And here I thought they were just glorified tramp stamps.

Twilight: No, it’s magic!

Once it shows, the Overmare knows what work to assign you; you know your place in the Stable. So no, I was not thrilled that what made me special was something that everypony had, which was a lot like being told I wasn't special at all.

Twilight: No, you’re special! Just like everypony else.

Sure, getting a PipBuck as my cutie mark could have meant I was destined to become an awesome PipBuck repair filly or something, but in reality it was like getting a cutie mark of a cutie mark.

Twilight (singing): It has to be my destiny, because it’s what my cutie mark of a cutie mark of a cutie mark of a cutie mark of a cutie mark--

Carts: (slaps Twilight)

Twilight: --Is telling me!

Solstice: Did she just skip, like a CD?

Carts: Yeah, she’s been known to do that. I’ve kind of been suspecting that she’s a robot, but--

Twilight: Negative.

Carts: See what I mean?

Solstice: Affirmative.

Didn't help that I was the last pony to get her cutie mark.

Carts: Yes, after Littlepip got her cutie mark, nopony ever got a cutie mark ever again.

Solstice: Speaking of Cutie Marks, I know this is supposed to be a Fallout crossover, so are the bandits cutie marks like skulls and blood and stuff?

Not surprising in retrospect. Kinda tough to find what you're supposed to be good at when what you're supposed to be good at is something you don't get until you've found what you're supposed to be good at.

Carts: Yeah, tell me about it. How do I get a job? Have experience. How do I get experience? By having a job!

Twilight: My head hurts.

So I tried everything.

Carts: Except astronomy or skydiving or birdwatching, ‘cause, you know...

Twilight: I even tried meth.

Carts: Not even once.

Pinkie (from TV): The drug use will come in due time.

I even tried to invent new things.

Carts: Like a pony version of the Snuggie which has four sleeves instead of two.

Solstice: There are two kinds of people in this world, people who got Snuggies as an ironic gift, and fucking liars.

Twilight: I got mine after Spike accidentally burned four hoof-sized holes in an old blue blanket I had.

Solstice: And you use it all the time don’t you?

Twilight: No, I just use my magic. Snuggies aren’t very useful if you’re a unicorn.

Solstice: Curious question, if a Unicorn wears a white hoodie without a horn hole, does it make them look like part of the KKK?

Carts: I would try, but my coat is as brown as a hershey bar, so ponies would probably think I was trying to be ironic.

Twilight: And I’m as lavender as the flower itself.

As a unicorn pony myself, my innate magics allow me a level of fine manipulation that earth ponies don't enjoy. Any pony can hold a key in their teeth and open a lock, but using multiple tools in a very delicate operation? That requires precision levitation.

Carts: Or fingers.

Solstice: I’ve seen surgery done with teeth.

Twilight: Really? Where was that?

Solstice: Some guy dissected a cat with his teeth and sewed the dissection back up all with his teeth.

Twilight: Ooookay then. Moving right along...

So I decided to learn to pick locks with a bobby pin and screwdriver.

Twilight: “But officer, I didn’t want to turn to a life of crime; crime was just the only thing I hadn’t tried to earn my cutie mark!”

Carts: “Oh, well in that case, you’re free to go.”

Solstice: I really want to try that excuse on a cop one day. ‘Sir you are aware that you were going forty in a fifteen?’ Yes sir, it was the only thing I hadn’t tried for my Cutie Mark.

Carts: And then a picture of a pot leaf appears on your ass, and you can smoke all you want! Or you can just move to Colorado with me. Your pick.

Solstice: The latter sounds nice actually.

Carts: Did you know that when I moved from Georgia to Colorado, I had a shitload of people ask me if I was going to go skiing? Because, yeah. I moved all my furniture three thousand miles just to go skiing. That’s totally why.

Solstice: Well just know, because most of Arkansas is rural and there are more serious crimes like domestic disputes in a trailer park going on, smoking pot is rather low on a cops radar. Anyways, enough about our lives...

And I was even getting pretty good at it. Unfortunately, it didn't get me my cutie mark. It just got me into trouble.

I even, to my humiliation, went through the C.A.T. (Cutie-mark Aptitude Test) in the hopes it would guide me to what made me special. But no. My C.A.T.

Twilight: Just ended up sitting on my freakin’ keyboard when I was trying to type!

Carts: Don’t you just hate that?

Solstice: My cat is a dick, he just sits there and plots my demise.

was utterly average, with only marginally higher scores in a couple areas, indicating that I might be suited for work as a PipBuck Technician or a Stable Loyalty Inspector.

Carts: Stable loyalty inspector?

Twilight: Yeah, they’re kind of like propaganda ponies.

Solstice: Mass media man, they are like propaganda to the masses. (Lights up a joint). Oh sorry may I?

Twilight: Go ahead, I let Carts smoke cigarettes in here. Even though it’s technically against the law, since this library counts as a “public place” for the purposes of the smoking ban.

Carts: But this is your HOUSE.

Twilight: Tell that to the Ponyville PD. You owe me like a thousand bits for tickets, by the way.

Carts: Eh, whatever. (lights a smoke)

Two options, I should note, that were even less impressive when you considered that it was generally expected that unicorn ponies would go into either technical or administrative work.

Carts: Yes, unicorns make great bureaucrats, don’t they?

Twilight: The ERS is full of unicorns, actually.

Carts: Is the tax code as complicated in Equestria as it is in America?

Twilight: Oh, you’d better believe it. And with no internet, there’s no way to e-file, and no TurboTax!

Solstice: Why does a Princess need money? Isn’t Ponyville self sustained for the most part anyways?

Twilight: Yes, but there still has to be a way to pay for things.

That is, except the unicorn ponies who are natural artists, like Velvet Remedy.  As I said before, our inherent magic allows us the sort of fine manipulation that technical work demands. Likewise, the Overmare and her government were always unicorn ponies.

Carts: Ooh, the unicorns are in charge? I like this story.

Twilight: I’m just glad that Kkat didn’t take 50,000 words to explain it like you do in your story, Carts.

Carts: Don’t give her any ideas!

Solstice: Ugh, I am not here to listen to you two talk about Unicorns being better, and I certainly am not here to read the logistics of economy in a fucking hole in the ground.

Twilight: Uh... sorry about that. I was an econ professor in a past life.

Carts: What did you expect? It’s called Carts’ Unicorn Theater; the topic comes up a lot. Chill out dude, take like another bazillion bong hits.

It is the Overmare's unicorn magic, after all, that creates the false sunlight used to grow our underground apple orchard. And while our apples might not look like those beautiful red things in the old books, they are what keep us alive.

Twilight: Actually, they look just like grapes.

Solstice: (Pulls out an ‘apple’ from the story) Probably because they aren’t either of those. (Cuts it in half with his pocket knife) It’s an orange.

Carts and Twilight: How did you...

Solstice: Eh, I am Prince Solstice after all. (Shrugs) Rule 63 Celestia in most cases.

It was only because they let me try my hooves at both positions

Solstice: Oh my...

Carts: I just read that in a George Takei voice.

Solstice: (Morgan Freeman voicing) Then you read it right son.

that I gained access to a PipBuck before receiving my own, otherwise I might never have gotten my cutie mark.

Oh, my name is LittlePip.

Carts: Which was the name of another rock group that I was part of. But I digress.

Solstice: It’s also the name of some bogus bud a guy tried to sell me.

Go figure. I was given the name because I was the youngest and the smallest, and even my mother had the good sense not to call me "Pipsqueak." (Not that I don't love her, but when a filly's cutie mark is a glass of hard apple cider...)

Carts: So Littlepip has fetal alcohol syndrome?

Twilight: Guess so.

Solstice: Hard Cider is Delicious, although I think in this story it’s orange cider.

Anyway, funny how names like that turn out sometimes.

Pleased to meet you. Here is my story...

Carts: Oh, you mean all that wasn’t part of your story?

ALL: BREAK!

Solstice: Well then, that’s a promising story to say the least. No skimping on the details, almost too many details for any prologue.

Carts: Yeah. I learned that the hard way when I deleted the prologue from one of my own stories. It made it a lot better.

Twilight: A prologue should only exist if it does something that your first chapter can’t do. But the next chapter of this story, just by glancing at it, also takes place in the stable.

Solstice: I never have any prologues to my stories, most of them don’t even have ‘chapters’ they are all titles for the most part. The only thing I do hope for, is the same humor as the Fallout games.

Carts: I’ve read about ten chapters of this once, and sorry to say, but there isn’t much humor in it.

Pinkie (from TV): But that’s why you guys are here!

Solstice: Good point I’ll try my best to liven up the story the. (Magically conjures another joint). I guess I forgot to mention that I have the ability to conjure things randomly. I can’t do much else however.

Twilight: Still though, conjuring magic is impressive.

Solstice: Well, I’m not sure, but if I were to change into something from this world I’d be a Draconis or an earth pony with Pinkie abilities.

Carts: You’d be able to take care of those munchies, that’s for sure.

Solstice: You have no idea man.

Carts: Shall we continue, then?

Solstice: Sure man, we shall continue on! (Looks at the book that sits in front of us, noting that only two pages has been flipped). Fuck.

ALL: STORY SIGN!