Fallout Equestria: The Riff

"Because in Stable Two, no pony ever enters and no pony ever leaves."

Twilight: Wait, who said that?

Carts: We’ll never know.

Solstice: Much like Hotel California by The Eagles?

Twilight: In Equestria, they’re called The Griffons.

Grey.

The walls of the maintenance stalls were all a very monotonous, dull grey.

Carts: Hey, I’ve found the one of like three other Americans besides myself who spells grey with an ‘e,’ not an ‘a!’

Solstice: Then meet the third, I use them interchangeably. Grey is the color, Gray is a name. To me at least.

The particular wall I was staring at had the merit of being a very clean grey.

Solstice: So, it was white?

Carts: Apparently so.

PipBucks were notoriously hardy and reliable, so being the Stable's PipBuck Technician meant that there were long periods of nothing to do.

Carts: Meh, at least you’re still on the clock. Once I worked for an employer who made us clock out when there weren’t any customers.

Twilight: Seriously?

Carts: Yep. And then they were seemingly surprised at their high turnover rate.

Solstice: If that were the case, I would just leave. If I’m not on their time, I’m on my own, and I get to go home on my time.

Being the PipBuck Technician's apprentice meant that I was assigned all the mundane daily chores while my trainer took extended naps in the back room. Chores like cleaning the walls.

Twilight: I guess they don’t have a janitor or anything.

Carts: God, if her cutie mark were a mop and bucket we would have heard her bitching for like twice as long.

"This wall needs a mural."

Solstice: and it shall be a mural of peni.

Carts: Peni? You mean, like penises? But WHY?

Solstice: Because, every public wall has a penis.

Carts: Uh... okay.

I let myself fantasize, picturing the Overmare agreeing and ordering Palette herself to turn our entire stall into one of her brightly colorful masterpieces. Palette was the greatest painter in Stable Two, and like every skilled artist, that made her a stable treasure.

Carts: Please, do tell us more about how skilled artists are treasured by society.

Twilight: Forget the magical nuclear war... THAT is the most unbelievable part of this story.

Life in Stable Two inevitably began to eat at your spirit --

Solstice: ‘Now with twice the fiber!’

you were born in the Stable, you lived your whole life in the Stable, you were going to die there, and the course of your life was largely laid out for you to see by your Cutie Mark Party.

Carts: They even play a slideshow called “this is you in thirty years.”

Solstice: ‘This party is the last day you have fun... EVER!’

So the Overmare insisted that a new song be added to the Stable broadcast's repertoire each week,

Twilight: So instead of top forty, what are the charts in a Stable?

Carts: Top four, T.

that public areas were brightly painted and adored with uplifting and motivational murals,

Twilight: Those murals sure loved those walls.

Solstice: Like I’ve said before, every fan fic invents a new fetish.

that regular parties were planned in the atrium... all in an effort to distract and stave off depression.

Twilight: You can also distract depression with a laser pointer or a chew toy, as well.

Solstice: Yeah, I named my dog ‘depression’, that way when it’s lost it’s not as sad.

Carts: So, they’ve invented the equivalent of iPads but haven’t gotten around to inventing SSRIs yet?

Reality came crashing back as I stared at the eternally blank grey. Beautifying maintenance areas was tragically low priority already,

Carts: What were the high priorities? Soccer? School singing competitions?

Solstice: Not hotboxing a hole in the ground?

and the PipBuck Technician stall was one of the least trafficked parts of maintenance. I felt my ears droop as I started to realize that I'd be staring at this same grey wall nearly every day for the rest of my life.

"Oh dear. Is it really that bad."

Twilight: Oh, I’m sorry, was that a question?

Solstice: Where your voice will inflict upwards? Like this?

And there she was. Velvet Remedy, the gorgeous charcoal-coated unicorn

Carts: That’s how you can tell she’s an OC.

with streaks of color in her white mane and with a voice as smooth as silk and rich as

Twilight: the

finest chocolate, was standing in the doorway of my stall. I felt immediately grateful that I had finished the cleaning and simultaneously ashamed that the room was so beneath her. I couldn't believe she was standing there. I'd seen her on the stage above us at late parties;

Carts: Late parties? Like, late at night? Or were the parties just not on time?

I'd listened to her songs incessantly, recording every new one on my PipBuck so that I didn't have to wait to hear it again.

Carts: Yeah, because waiting for the songs of the seven other musicians in the stable to play is like an eternity.

Solstice: Slap ‘em in the brig, that’s illegal!

Carts: Stable Two has the most restrictive copyright laws ever.

I'll admit it now, I'd had a crush on Velvet Remedy for years.

Carts: Somepony’s got a case of Vever Fever.

Twilight: And only one pony has the Remedy.

Solstice: and when I see Zecora I’ll have jungle fever...

Carts: (Zecora accent) “Ah, if it isn’t Solstice! Come, lean in for a kiss!”

Solstice: Your rhyme scheme is really off. (Chuckles)

Me and at least three hundred other ponies. My mother used to laugh at that. "LittlePip," she would say, chortling with her friends, "Velvet Remedy's barn door doesn't swing that way." It took me a couple years to understand what my mother had meant by that.

Carts: It took her years to get the punchline to a lesbian joke?

Twilight: Maybe she really does have fetal alcohol syndrome.

Solstice: Maybe Velvet doesn’t look like a lesbian (cough) R.D (cough).

And took me several seconds to process that Velvet Remedy had just asked me something.

"W-wha-huh?"

Solstice: W-Water?

Wonderful response, LittlePip. So elegant. I wanted to dig my way through the concrete floor and pull the chunks over the top of me.

Carts: And then we’d have a Minecraft crossover.

Solstice: He needs the Notched Pickaxe, and must be level four or higher in order to use it.

She smiled sweetly. She smiled at me!

Carts (singing): And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for awhile...

And in that amazing voice, "You looked so heartbroken when I came in. Is there anything I can do?"

Velvet Remedy offered. To help. Me.

I was shocked back to my senses.

Twilight: Clear!

Solstice: (Rubs hands together like a defibrillator) Shocking!

Velvet Remedy must have some reason to be down here. Some PipBuck reason. It wasn't like she would just go wandering around maintenance, after all.

Twilight: Actually, right now Velvet Remedy is on her “tubes and wires” tour.

Carts: Gotta get some more popularity among the rats.

Looking around, I realized that I was the only pony on duty. My teacher was, as usual, asleep in his office.

Carts: That’s the student’s job, not the teacher’s!

Twilight: Yeah, I always used to take naps when I went to Celestia’s School For Gifted Unicorns. It was easy though; I aced that class.

Solstice: I found my lectures to be a bit more interesting If I smoked a small bit of bud before going to school. Maybe that would help you stay awake.

"Oh... no, it was n-nothing." I tried to regain composure.

Solstice: That could very well be a pun.

Carts: Heh.

"How may I be of assistance?"

Velvet Remedy's expression was both compassionate and unconvinced, but she lifted a forehoof, raising her PipBuck up to my gaze. A more elegant model than mine,

Carts: It could function as TWO lamps.

with her initials and cutie mark (a beautiful bird with wings outstretched and beak opened in song)

Twilight: How would they even know what a bird is if they’ve been living underground for what’s implied to be many decades?

Solstice: They are genetically modified cockroaches.

Carts: So her cutie mark would be ugly to us, but beautiful to a stable dweller. Interesting.

Solstice: (Conjures up the ‘bird’) No actually I was off, it’s just a rat with paper wings.

embellishing it tastefully. "I hate to be a bother, but it's begun to chafe. Could you replace the padding?"

Solstice: “No I will not replace your maxi-pad for you!”

"Oh, absolutely!" I was already levitating the special keys used to unlock a PipBuck from a pony's foreleg (as an apprentice PipBuck Technician, I had all manner of special precision tools in the pockets of my utility barding).

Carts: A PipBuck technician who carries around PipBuck tools? You don’t say!

Twilight: Unlock it? What, is it an ankle monitor or something? What, is everyone under house arrest?

Carts: Paris Remedy Hilton.

Solstice: They are in a hole in the ground. Pretty sure that’s as “under” arrest you can be.

Carts: And yet somehow, I’ll bet that if Paris Hilton were there under house arrest, she’d STILL find a way to break it.

"I'll have it done in right quick!" The PipBuck came off with a click.

Velvet Remedy chuckled hesitantly, lowering her hoof. "Oh no, that's all right. Take your time. I'm going to put some salve on this leg back in my room and rest up for the afternoon."

Solstice: That’s not the only place she is putting it, if ya know what I mean.

Twilight: …

Carts: Sorry, Twi.

Solstice: Don’t worry, if my mother were here she would give you permission to slap me.

That's right! Velvet Remedy was performing at the Stable Two Saloon tomorrow night! I would have to polish it up, make it worthy of being worn above her hoof.

Carts: She’s wrap red carpet around it and gold plate it or something.

Solstice: We shall call it, the Pimp-buck!

If I spent all night on it, I could give it a full tune-up, have it running as smoothly as the day she got it, and still have it back to her before the show.

Twilight: And she still wouldn’t pay attention to you.

Solstice: You gotta make her laugh man! Stop being so afraid to talk to her! Gah, the men are just as infuriating as the women sometimes!

"All right! I'll have it back to you by this time tomorrow. You won't be disappointed. I promise!"

She smiled at me again, and all the grey in the world couldn't darken my day. "Thank you." And then she turned to go. I watched as her cutie mark disappeared around the doorway. Then she was gone.

Carts: (singing): I’ve gone insane, wishing I could touch your face, but the truth remains. You’re gone, you’re gone...

• • •

The next day, I was whistling one of Velvet Remedy's songs as I walked down the halls towards her room. Her PipBuck was hovering along beside me in a field of magical levitation, freshly padded with the best lining I could find, looking shiny and new.

Carts: She even put some shoe polish on it.

I was tired from a long night or work, but in high spirits. Velvet Remedy was going to be so happy with my work!

Turning the corner, I was startled out of my reverie by the mass of ponies gathered outside Velvet Remedy's room. Damn, I was going to have to battle my way through hoof-print seekers and paparazzi.

Twilight: Hoof-print seekers? Is that supposed to be a stand in for signature seekers? Because ponies have signatures, too.

Carts: Yeah, hoofprint reminds me of fingerprint. Like she’s committed a crime or something and they have to get her prints.

Solstice: Prints Solstice, private eye extraordinaire! (Conjures up an investigators hat)

Levitating the PipBuck higher, I started to shove my way into the crowd.

"She's gone!" "How could she leave?" The hushed voices and panicked whinnies around me grew alarming. "Why would she abandon us?"

Carts: “WHY HATH THOU FORSAKEN US!?”

Twilight: “How dare she not want to spend the rest of her life cooped up in a hole in the ground!”

Solstice: Awe, what  poor time to leave, now they have to go under hole arrest... that sounds really bad.

Gone? Velvet Remedy was... gone?

Carts: (singing) Gone! Like yesterday is gone, like history is gone, just trying to prove me wrong and pretend that you’re immortal.

And then the words that stopped me cold. "I didn't think the Stable door even could open!"

She was gone outside?!?

Twilight: And then Velvet comes back, “I was just going outside for a smoke, gosh!”

Solstice: Ah, so the hotboxing problem can be remedied.

"Don't worry, everypony!"

Solstice: A pony just disappeared into the night, yeah don’t worry.

boomed the voice of the Overmare from somewhere in the crowd. "I have the tag of each and every pony in the Stable. I will personally send out a rescue party. We'll have our Velvet back by the end of the day. Worry not."

I felt I was drowning in cold, wet cement.

Carts: (Godfather voice) She’s got her cement shoes, and soon she’ll be swimmin’ with the fishies!

Solstice: ‘Someday, I will call upon you for a favor.’

My gaze slowly moved up towards the PipBuck floating above me.

I lowered my head, slowly trying to back out of the crowd, curling the floating PipBuck close. When the Overmare brought up Velvet Remedy's tag, it would lead everypony not to Velvet but to her PipBuck sitting in the maintenance...

Twilight: Just put it next to the sleeping teacher and pin the blame on him!

Solstice: I would just leave that in a garbage can, and then set it on fire.

With a thump, I backed into somepony, startling me enough that the levitation field evaporated in a poof and the clean and shiny PipBuck clattered to the floor.

Carts: Dun, dun, dun!

Solstice: Makes me think of dramatic gopher.

Turning, I found myself eye-to-eye with the Overmare.

She didn't speak, her gaze turning to the PipBuck on the ground. Velvet Remedy's initials and cutie mark clearly visible.

"What. Is. This?" The Overmare spoke slowly, dangerously.

Twilight: Her speech is dangerous?

Carts: Yeah, she’s secretly a dragonborn, and this is also a Skyrim crossover.

Solstice: FUS-RO-DAH! (Smoke comes out of Solstice’s mouth)

All eyes turned to me. I could feel every pair of eyes. Nobody spoke. The silence bore down like a lead blanket. My mouth went dry. I couldn't find my voice.

Twilight: When you lose your voice, it’s always in the last place you look!

Solstice: Like the kitchen counter, even though you swore you looked there already.

I didn't need to. I could feel the wave of loathing. Dozens of Velvet Remedy fanponies, and I was the pony holding the reason why their idol was lost to them.

Carts: This will be worse than when John Lennon was shot.

Solstice: (Singing) ‘Imagine all the people, living in a world of peace.’

The Overmare's voice was low and surprisingly gentle. "Take it and go to your room. Swiftly."

Twilight: “Now go to bed without any supper!”

Carts: “You’re grounded for a month, missy!”

Solstice: Who the hell say’s ‘swiftly’ to be intimidating anyways?

Carts: The overmare with her very dangerous voice.

She didn't need to tell me twice.

Solstice: (Singing) ‘I’m telling you why! The overmare is coming to town’

Carts: (singing) She tracks you with your pipbuck, with every step you take, she knows if you are here or gone, so you’d better buckin’ stay!

• • •

I lay on my bed that evening, poking at Velvet Remedy's PipBuck as the radio in my own played yet another re-iteration of the tragedy of the day.

Twilight: Someone willingly running away is a tragedy? No. The shipwreck of the Titanic was a tragedy. The explosion of the Hindenburg was a tragedy. This is NOT a tragedy.

Solstice: Apparently you’ve never met a stoner when they run dry.

Carts: Good thing Solstice has like an infinite supply of it. I swear, you must’ve smoked like five blunts since you came here.

Solstice: Yeah most of those were conjured from me and The Dude’s stash.

Carts: Ah. And most of my cigarettes I stole from a convenience store.

Solstice: and most of what was grown, was from The Dude. His cutie mark should be a pot leaf, but no, it’s a bowling ball and pin. He is better at growing than he is at bowling.

I couldn't believe it. Velvet Remedy was gone.

Carts: (singing) All the things that she used to bring, all the songs she used to sing, all the favorite TV shows have gone out the window.

Twilight: You know a song for everything, huh?

Carts: Yep. I have like thirty more songs about “gone” alone.

I couldn't understand. How could she leave? Why would she go?

Carts: (singing) Where’d you go? I miss you so. Seems like it’s been forever since you’ve been g--

Twilight: (slaps carts)

Carts: What was THAT for?

Twilight: If you keep singing, we’ll never finish this riff!

The door out of Stable Two was closed and sealed. Only the Overmare knew the secrets to opening it, assuming it even could open. Which, obviously, it could.

Twilight: Uh, if the only one who knew the secrets to opening the door was the Overmare, then wouldn’t she be the prime suspect?

Carts: Nope. But the technician who removed Velvet Remedy’ pipbuck? Must’ve been her!

But why? Nobody really knew what was outside, if there was anything out there at all. Historical books suggested the world outside was blasted, lifeless and poisonous.

Solstice: and that is different from the world today how?

Carts: The lifeless part, I guess.

Twilight: No, actually, I’m a zombie.

Solstice: We thought you were a robot...

Twilight: Robot zombie.

Solstice: (Raises finger to argue but can’t find anything to argue against that) uh... okay...

That was, at least, the common and logical assumption. But a ghost story somepony told at my first (and only) slumber party

Carts: It was her only one because she wet the bed.

Solstice: Yes well, wet your bed once and nobody lets you live it down. NOBODY.

had given me horrible nightmares and still lurked in the shadows of my head: a tale of a pony who somehow got the Stable door open and stepped outside... only to find out that there was no outside! Just a great nothingness that whisked the pony away, devouring her soul so that she was nothingness too.

Solstice: Man, that is not really that scary...

Empirically, I knew that wasn't the case, but the mental image still haunted me.

Twilight: You think THAT’s haunting? Try watching Granny Smith wearing clothes from Victoria’s Secret.

Solstice: Um, Twi, ever hear about rule 34?

Twilight: What’s that?

Carts: … You wanna tell her or should I? Or should we tell her at the break?

Solstice: I’ll just wait till the break...

The two things I did understand was that Velvet Remedy had gotten me to remove her PipBuck so the Overmare couldn't track her with it, and that I was screwed.

Carts: I just don’t understand how they could blame LittlePip for that. Like, what is she supposed to do, never let ponies ever take off their PipBucks?

Solstice: I know in the game, a pip-boy can easily be removed by the person themselves, so it shouldn’t matter that that LittlePip took it off.

Being the smallest pony my age, and the last to get my cutie mark, did not facilitate building friendships with my peer ponies.

Solstice: Just beat up a kid, then you will become popular in an instant.

Mother honestly didn't help either. Nor did waking up screaming at my first slumber party.

Carts: Eh, I was half right.

Solstice: They all live in a hole, they are all at one big slumber party.

Twilight: True.

So I was used to being alone. But I'd never had enemies before. I'd been beneath the notice of other ponies, but I'd never had one hate me.

Carts: Except for those Westboro Stable Two Baptist Church ponies who hated her for being a lesbian.

Twilight: And God.

Solstice: ‘and thou shalt use my name to protest whatever thy wants’, said no god ever.

Carts: Except Protesticus, the Greek god of protesting.

Solstice: There is no way that’s a real thing...

I really couldn't blame them either, even though it totally wasn't fair. They were upset and hurt and needed a scapegoat.

Solstice: “and I am perfectly okay with being in jail for the rest of my life for not knowing anything about her wanting to escape.”

The news hadn't mentioned me by name, just "Velvet Remedy's custom-decorated PipBuck was found in the possession of a PipBuck Technician pony", but with a whole two of us, it wasn't hard for everypony to figure out, even without the scene outside her room earlier.

Twilight: See, this is why I hate the media. Now she’ll never get a fair trial, because she’s already been convicted in the court of public opinion!

Carts: LittlePipperman.

The Overmare was speaking on the radio. "We are all feeling this loss. But I want to remind everypony that Velvet Remedy chose to do this. She chose to leave her home. To abandon us, her family. She betrayed my trust and she betrayed yours, just as she betrayed the trust of the pony who she tricked into removing her PipBuck,

Solstice: “and she also broke my heart, we had a date at a hole in the wall restaurant Saturday.”

Carts: Oh, I get it, because they’re in... yeah.

ensuring we could not find her. I know many of you are angry or hurt. I urge you to direct that anger where it truly belongs..."

Carts: At the ponies who started the nuclear war to begin with!

As thankful as I was for her words, it wasn't going to change the resentment that I would face every day, even if every pony kept it to themselves. It hung in the air like old smoke.

Twilight: Yeah, Carts and Solstice. This library will reek for YEARS after we finish this riff.

Carts: Eh, just use Febreze. (Blows a smoke cloud towards the fic.)

Solstice: Eh, I’m surprised you haven’t gotten a little high yet, I’ve gone through six blunts already. (Conjures up another) It’s the only way I don’t get angry at fan fics.

Carts: I know I’m getting a contact buzz.

Twilight: Um... I don’t know what one is supposed to feel like, so I can’t say.

Solstice: Trust me, you’ll know.

I distracted myself with the errant PipBuck, taking note of an encrypted file. I had spotted it yesterday, figuring it was probably an unfinished new song. I didn't want to open it then, both out of respect for Velvet Remedy's privacy and a dislike of spoilers,

Twilight: Spoilers? What, was it from a concept album or something?

Carts: Yeah, it was from Velvet Remedy’s new album The Stable Wall.

Solstice: I don’t understand why they can’t be called vaults like they are in the game.

Carts: Because ponies.

but I guessed it didn't matter anymore. The song would never be played.

Solstice: It’s okay, it was too new age pop for the hipsters in Stable 2.

Opening a pouch on my utility barding, I withdrew an access tool that would allow me to remove the encryption safely and easily. It was a sound file. I played it.

"The override code for opening the door to Stable Two is... CMC3BFF."

Carts: That song later went on to top the charts for weeks.

Twilight: Really? A seven figure code? I would have expected a code separating a stable and NUCLEAR ANNIHILATION to be a little longer than that.

Carts: Seriously. A determined hacker could crack that in about five minutes.

Solstice: I love how the code is trying to reference something they’ve never heard about.

I shot up in surprise at what I had heard.

Solstice: I’ve never done that after hearing something; I always roll over and fall asleep.

Swiftly, I turned off the radio and played it again.

Solstice: and again, that ‘swiftly’ word appears.

I didn't recognize the voice. It was female, kinda sweet, and had a strange accent that didn't sound like anyone in the Stable. But now I knew how Velvet Remedy left.

I must have sat there for hours, contemplating what I should do.

Solstice: “Ah, fuck it, I’ll just beat it and go to bed.”

Pinkie Pie (from TV): That also occurs in a later chapter!

But finally, I made my choice.

I was going to go outside after her. I was going to bring her back.

• • •

I stood there, staring at the huge steel door that sealed Stable Two away from the horrors (or nothingness!) outside. And at the two guard ponies who blocked my way. I had my saddlebags packed with apples and necessities. Even a Big Book of Arcane Sciences for something to read.

Twilight: Why would you bring along a physical book? Why not just download it into your PipBuck and have more room for food?

Carts: The PipBuck doesn’t have that capability.

Twilight: What? You mean it can target ponies, store songs, tell you whether other ponies are hostile, administer medicine, but can’t store a PDF file?

Carts: Hey, it’s a PipBuck, not a Kindle Fire!

Solstice: I hear the PipBuck update 2.4 gives it a reading file, but there is a clause in the terms and conditions that allows your PipBuck to siphon your soul.

I had two canteens around my neck.

Twilight: What purpose would canteens serve in a small, underground society?

Carts: Seriously, it’s the basement community. Like, where will the go on a hike that they’d need a canteen?

Solstice: Hey man, sometimes you have to pretend you can go outside.

I was ready to go. But the Overmare was making sure there were no follow-up acts.

Solstice: Must not be a fan of broadway musicals huh?

Carts: Yeah. There’s Sweeney Todd, Cats, Wicked, and Escape From The Stable. All the classics.

Insistence and glowering looks weren't getting me anywhere. My horn was glowing, but they stood their ground, unimpressed.

Solstice: Obvious ‘that’s what she said’ joke incoming.

They weren't going to let me anywhere near the control panel.

"Hey, aren't you the filly who let our Velvet get lost outside anyway?" one of the guards inquired daringly, taking a bullying step forward.

Carts: So why do they need guards in front of a door that supposedly no one knows the code to? And why is LittlePip being so blatant about her intent to leave?

Solstice: Because... ponies.

The other guard looked away in disgust. I'm not sure if he was disgusted at me, or if he felt like the Overmare seemed to about ponies wanting to take it out on me. I was kinda hoping it was the former, considering what I was about to do to them.

THUD!

The metal footlocker above them dropped onto their heads, knocking both out cold.

Twilight: She dropped an entire retail shoe store onto their heads? Ouch.

Earth ponies -- they never see that levitating-something-up-behind-you trick coming.

Solstice: Oddly specific trick eh?

(One of Twilight’s books falls onto Solstice’s head without him noticing)

Carts: Hey, I guess it’s true for humans, too.

Solstice: Yeah yeah, I can still use a Gauss Rifle. (Conjures up a Fallout 3 Gauss Rifle) Opposable thumbs are useful for something.

Carts: Woah, take it easy man. It was just a prank! (Throws hooves in the air)

Solstice: I don’t have any ammo geez, I’m not a psychopath like most humans.

I was at the controls, entering the passcode from Velvet Remedy's PipBuck when the Overmare's voice boomed through nearby speakers.

Solstice: Here comes the boom!

"Stop! I order you to stop this instant!"

Yeah, that wasn't going to happen.

Twilight: I'll say. You can't freeze time and stop an instant!

Carts: Yeah, this isn't Clockstoppers.

"Guards! I want every guard pony at Stable Two door! Stop that filly!"

Twilight: Yeah, all five of you get your flanks over there!

Solstice: Still more intimidating than Pinwheel from Dark Souls.

Oh crap!

My hooves flew up to the main switch for the door, and I prayed to Celestia that the code worked. Then, with all my strength, I threw the switch.

Solstice: That is a really heavy switch. (A metal switch drops with a thud on the floor) Sorry, sometimes it’s like a sneeze depending on what I say.

Carts: Remind me to have us never riff a story starring killer wasps.

Solstice: I cannot do anything more complicated than a fruit for live things.

Carts: What about that rat from earlier?

Solstice: Well, most of the time the live things end up dead. So, let’s not riff a story with cute kittens.

A loud clanging filled the air, followed by a hissing of steam and a great rumble that shook the room. As I watched, the massive bolt that held the door from Stable Two shut slid back. A huge hinge-arm swung down, attaching itself to the door, and with a teeth-hurting squeal, pulled the massive steel door out and away.

Solstice: That sounds way more complicated than it should be.

Twilight: Yeah, I could’ve replaced that with “The large steel door opened, its mechanical hydraulics whirring” for the exact same effect.

Carts: Hey, gotta pad this out to 600,000 words somehow.

Randomly, I found myself thinking in my mother's voice "Stable Two's barn door doesn't swing that way."

Carts: Her mother had a pithy joke about doors for every occasion. Even death.

Twilight: The pearly gates don’t swing that way.

Solstice: That sounds like a close-minded protest sign.

The door to Stable Two wasn't supposed to swing at all. Even though I threw the switch, I was stunned to see it actually open.

Solstice: Then it’s not really much of a door if it didn’t open or close.

Twilight: Yes. Then it would technically be a wall.

"You don't have to do this... LittlePip, isn't it?" The Overmare's voice kicked me out of my stupor. I could hear the hooves of galloping guards drawing near.

Solstice: (Puts out his blunt) Oh shit, it’s the fuzz!

I took a step towards the door. "Don't worry. I'll bring her back."

"No you won't! If you leave here, you'll never be let back in!"

Carts: “Velvet Remedy, on the other hoof, is welcome back here anytime! Send her our invitation, would you?”

Solstice: (Conjures up a frilly invitation) It even sings to you!

For a moment, the unfairness stung. The Overmare was willing to send out a search party to bring Velvet Remedy back. But then, Velvet was special, and I was... not.

Solstice: “No because you’re a loser.”

Part of me wanted to turn back right there, crawl back to my room and my dreary but safe life.

Drawing myself up, I stepped out the door.

• • •

With a final hiss and clang, the steel door of Stable Two closed irrevocability behind me.

Twilight: Closed irrevocability?

Solstice: ‘Permanently’ would have been just fine.

I don't know what I expected to find just beyond the door,

Solstice: This sounds like a Twilight Zone episode.

but it certainly wasn't this long, dark hallway that smelled of rotting timbers and sepulcher air. I was no longer in the Stable. But I wasn't outside yet either. I was in limbo.

Solstice: I told you.

I turned on my PipBuck's light, and recoiled with a gasp at the skeletons of long-dead ponies which littered the hall. The outside of the Stable door was marred from where ponies had slammed on it until their hooves cracked and shattered, trying to get in.

Carts: Cracked AND shattered? I would’ve given up after the cracking part.

Solstice: Now that is a lot scarier than that other story.

Moving forward quickly, I discovered that the hallway opened into an old room with stairs leading up to a horizontal door with a shattered lock.

The entrance from the outside world into Stable Two had been cleverly disguised as the door to a humble apple cellar. And by disguised, I meant that the person who built it had been building an apple cellar.

Twilight: And got WAY carried away with it.

Solstice: Old-pony Conspiracist was a hard working pony. He just wanted to rule the world, only to have to settle with some silly stable in his cellar.

Taking a deep breath, I trotted up the stairs, swung open the cellar door, and stepped outside.

Footnote: Level Up.

New Perk: Cherchez La Filly -- +10% damage to the same sex and unique dialogue options with certain ponies.

Carts: Damage to the same sex? But the guards she attacked were male.

Solstice: Ah, so there are level-ups in this fic. That was really annoying in the game.

Carts: So... chapter end! Shall we take a break?

Twilight: Yes, please!

Carts: So... rule 34. If it exists, there’s porn of it.

Twilight: What? So, anything and everything has porn of it?

Solstice: I wrote about you getting sexually pleasured from being a quill, so yes.

Twilight: But... but WHY?

Solstice: I was bored.

Pinkie Pie (from TV): And in that fic, I was the ink!

Twilight: (shudders)

Solstice: No Pinkie, your fic was much longer and you became paint and a... nevermind. Anyways, I’m sure The Dude is wondering where I went.

(There is a knock on the door)

Carts: I got this.

(Carts walks up to the door, only to discover it locked)

Carts: Dammit, Pinkie locked the doors so we couldn’t escape. Wait a minute... there’s a keypad here! Let’s see... CMC3BFF.

(Door opens, and a cloud of smoke escapes, and the Dude walks in)

The Dude: Holy shit man! That is one big ass cloud. Hey Solstice! Where have ya been man?

Solstice: Here, riffing with Twilight and CartsBeforeHorses.

The Dude: CartsBeforeHorses? What kind of name is that?

Carts: Well, you know how when you’re stoned, you look at things in a different way?

Twilight: Wait a minute, that’s what it feels like? Maybe I have been getting a contact high...

The Dude: Yeah man it makes sense, my name is sort of like that.

Solstice: and mine is just... well I’m not sure how it got started.

Carts: But yeah, putting the cart before the horse. Looking at things in a different way. That’s the common thread that runs through everything I write.

Solstice: Makes sense to me. Anyways, would you guys care if The Dude joined us on this riff, he is my riffing buddy, and since this thing is 600,000 words long...

The Dude: Holy shit, that’s a fan-fic?

Solstice: Hey, I said the same thing.

Twilight: The more the merrier, I suppose. Though then again... (glances at the open door)

Carts: Hey, you’re right! We can escape now!

Pinkie (from TV): I wouldn’t walk out there if I were you!

Carts: Oh? And what’s stopping us?

Pinkie (from TV): Well, if you read on in the fic, you will see that LittlePip encounters hellish beasts, and I took the liberty of releasing some of them into the town! If you leave, who knows what will happen?

The Dude: So that explains all of those mutants asking for directions to the library. (Turns behind him) It’s over here guys!

Solstice: (Grabs The Dude and slams the door shut) Why did we have to be roommates?

The Dude: Oh sorry man, I didn’t think that one through.

Solstice: Like the time you got a little too high and started cracking eggs into a pan, only to realize we only have a microwave, so you started cracking eggs in the microwave instead.

The Dude: I don’t even remember that man.

(Buzzer goes off)

ALL: WE’VE GOT STORY SIGN!