Rehab with Bright Colors

Given the simple fact Hex was seven foot tall and weighed close to a ton in his exo suit he thought doors would end up being a problem for him as they walked through the castle but apparently they were going for the huge door deep pocket theme.

"So Vinyl, I've seen ponies with wings and some with horns and some that just looked like normal horses. Are there any more? Also whats the deal with the head appendage? Just a bit more horny than the rest of them?"

"Ha ha ha. Old bad joke is bad guy. We're Unicorns and we can do magic through our horns, the ones with wings are Pegasus and they can fly, and the guys without anything are Earth ponies. No magic or flying from them but they tend to be tougher and physically stronger than the other two."

Taking the information in stride he was quite for a bit as he tried to accept the idea that magic existed and apparently there were ponies who could use it... Spotting what looked like a maid pony waiting off to the side of the hall as they passed he waited until she was within reach before lunging at her.

The little pony made the most adorable little squeaking sound he had ever heard as he picked her up until they were face to face.

"Cucumber sandwiches. Lots and lots of them. A whole platter of them if you would please? I'm guessing you don't have any bloody steak in the castle so maybe, just maybe I won't be tempted to find something plump and juicy to eat myself."

The moment he put her back down the little maid went speeding away down an adjacent hall. Shiny was glaring at him again which prompted him to wink before looking back down at Scratch.

"Do you guys even have cucumbers?"

"Yes Hex... We have cucumbers... You wouldn't really... eat a pony would you?"

"I might be convinced to eat a girl out if I'm drunk or high enough, but eating something that can hold a conversation is... disgusting in my opinion. It would be too much like eating another human. That by the way would get a human executed."

She was silent for a moment before smirking.

"Dude you might want to hold down on the sexual harassment thing. Princess Celestia or Luna might crush you. Oh! Since Shining Armor is here the other Princess Cadence might also be here. She's the ruler of the Crystal empire and crystal ponies."

It didn't take them too long to reach an even more impressive set of doors adorned with a stylized sun and moon that opened by itself. Weird thing was he could have sworn he saw it glow slightly yellow before opening up to what looked like a banquet hall. There were four individuals sitting around the other end of the table spaced out evenly with a chair large enough for him at the other end twenty feet away.

The guards crossed their hooves over their chests and even Vinyl bowed her head from where she dangled. Sighing Hex picked up the giant chair in his free hand and began walking down the length of the table towards the little group.

"Dude what the hell we're supposed to sit at the other end!"

"You know what distance means Scratchy? Easy kill. I already said I wasn't going to hurt none of you ponies. This is the third and last time."

Shiny had turned around and blocking their way. His horn was actually glowing and Hex had to force himself to stay still. The machine wanted to drop the chair and snatch the Gauss pistol attached to his hip, but before he did anything a curt voice cut through the room.

"Shining Armor, please stand down. We will not be the ones to perpetrate aggressions with a new species."

"Princess he's dangerous...."

"Stand down."

So that one was big mama... Looking over the four in front of him he had to guess they were all female but two of them were huge compared to the others. The white and blue one were at least twice the size of those he passed on the streets, that along with the fact they sported wings and horns along with the pink one. The purple one looked about the same size as Scratch but she as eying him with a really creepy smile.

"Hey Scratchy, pick that cushion up so you can sit by me."

Hex didn't plan on putting her down, and had to take a deep breath as a glow surround the object before lifting it off the ground. So they weren't fucking around about the magic thing but he wondered if there was a difference between it and what a Ghost could do. Placing the chair between the white and purple one he chuckled when the cushion landed beside big mama.

"Nope. You get to sit by miss creepy smile Scratchy. She looks like she wants to put me on the table and poke at me."

Purple looked particularly chest-fallen when he deposited Vinyl beside her. As much as he wanted to meet a pony that may have been happy to see him purple definitely wasn't the one.

Sitting down and looking at the women surrounding him along with Shiny glaring he sighed deeply as the awkward silence set in. Pulling the Gauss pistol from his hip holster he put it on the table followed by the rifle attached to his back. It actually took a few minuets to pull off every weapon he had considering the machine grabbed loads of stuff but it did make him smirk when the pneumatic knife snapped out of his left gauntlet and made them jump before removing it.

With a few clanks from his suit Hex was able to take off his helmet. Placing it beside Scratch he rubbed hard at his eyes before glaring at the pile. He really was loosing his shit, and in the past 2 years he could never remember an instance when he was completely unarmed. Hell even the suit was a weapon but if big mama next to him had any powers like Scratch then she really could crush him.

"Go ahead Shiny. Take them. Take the only things that have kept me alive for 2 years."

He felt something tapping at his right hand, and turned to see Vinyl with her hoof over his hand. His hands were shaking while he watched Shiny magically lift the pile in front of him away.

"Its alright Hex. We're not going to hurt you. No one is."

Even if he believed her the machine was not convinced as his mind churned over ideas of how he was going to protect himself if things got violent. The problem with crawling back into yourself while calculating the best way to bludgeon something to death made you stare at the table in utter silence.

What brought him out of it was a timid little squeak from behind him. The maid from earlier was balancing a large silver tray of the fanciest cucumber sandwiches he had ever seen on her head. Relieving her of the burden he smiled in a toothy kind of way that made the poor thing bow quickly and scamper away. The ladies around the table were looking at each other confused.

Flattening his hands out and pointing at the sandwiches Hex grinned at the purple one.

"Mind Control"

It was fascinating watching the ponies huge eyes shrink down to pin pricks as the blue one reared up and slammed her hooves onto the table.

"DO NOT THINK WE ARE SO FEEBLE MINDED CREATURE!"

She looked dangerous enough until a snort from Vinyl caused them all to look at her. She was hiding her face behind her hooves as her entire body shook with laughter. The pink one was holding a hoof in front of her mouth trying to poker face it and failing miserably. Poor girl tried so hard to hold it in she actually choked as Hex laughed and poked at Vinyl.

"Give in to the dark side tiny pony. Our superior minds will enslave the masses into making sandwiches."

Vinyl and the pink one broke down completely as the white ones face started getting pretty twitchy. The purple one giggled a bit but thankfully some of the tension was oozing out of the group.

"Alright, which one is which? I'd really like to call the ponies by name instead of thinking of them as Purple, Pink, Blue and White."

It was the purple one that answered, and judging by the enthusiasm in her voice it sounded like she'd love nothing more than explain everything.

"White is Princess Celestia and blue is Princess Luna. They rule Equestria and raise the sun and moon respectively. Pink is Princess Cadence, the ruler of the Crystal Empire. She's also my sister in law and my brother Shining Armor's wife. I'm Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia's student!"

"Oh! I'm sorry Princess' I didn't mean to refer to you as pink and blue and white..."

Hex pointed at all of them in turn before speaking.

"Scratchy, Celly, Catie, Lulu, Shiny, and Sparky. Yeah yeah I get that they have high stations but I'm terrible with names so I usually give people nicknames at first. My full name is Hexus Murdoc, but Hex only."

Sparky looked like she was going to go into full lecture mode after that, so picking up one of the neat little sandwich triangles he held it up to Celestia who blinked.

"Go ahead Celly, that maid took the time to make these but she did do it because I asked. There's no way it would have poison or something.... unsavory would it?"

He really had to stop rustling the ponies so much. They seemed like a really high strung bunch as the whole group, even Scratchy got to their hooves until Celestia held up one front hoof and took a dainty bite out of the middle. They sat down looking butt hurt, but after watching her swallow and smile gently Hex took a massive bite from where she had eaten.

"Hey now, don't get me wrong but I took a risk giving my weapons away."

Finishing the sandwich he offered Celestia another, who repeated the process just to be sure. Scratchy and Sparky both took a sandwich from the tray and bit into them.

"Dude! That's not cool! Princess Celestia would never allow something like that to happen! See! We're eating them and its fine!

Hex simply took another massive bite out of the delicacy, chewing slowly as the other ponies glared at him with the exception of Celly.

"Fresh, crisp cucumbers, the perfect amount of mayo, a dash of salt and pepper... I guess since you raise the sun this is what sunshine tastes like. What does Lulu taste like? Moon pies?

Oh god they were so adorable when they blushed. All with the exception of Celly who smiled and shook her head slowly while the rest of them looked like they were glowing.

"Mr. Hex, please spare my little ponies the coarse humor. It is wonderful that we are not bickering or hostile towards one another but I do not think their nerves can take much more."

"Alright alright. So Catie and Shiny are hitched huh? I bet there babies are precious little mites, where are they?"

He could swear Catie was no longer pink but a fine shade of red all over, and Shiny's body had turned that unique shade of pink again.

"What? No babies? Why not? Does... Does it not work Shiny..."

"OF COURSE IT WORKS"

He could barely breath with how red the poor ponies were getting, and even Celly was starting to blush a bit as he cackled. Lulu pipped up after a stretch of his laughing and their dirty minds filling in some images.

"May we move on to another subject... besides the taste of ponies... and children..."