The Mysterious Tale of the Man Who Didn't Do Much

Chapter 15: Home

It was morning. Rarity had gone home last night, Rainbow had stayed, (What else is new?) we had avoided the showers, and I'm just picking up after we all decided what to do for the day. "So, should we greet the wonderful and ever-so-accepting town of Ponyville?" I said with high traces of sarcasm. Naturally, Rainbow was the one to reply first, "Oh, is that even a real question? The answer is obvious! Just stay away from Lyra."

"Who's Lyra?"

"A pony dedicated to your existence. She has been dying to find evidence of humans. What will everypony think once they realize she's been right?" Twilight seemed to muse the question over a few times before replying. "Well, I suppose I owe her an apology. I kept calling her crazy!" Twilight started to laugh at her own comment, but in all honesty, I was pretty creeped out at the fact that somehow, some random pony knew about our entire race. Meh. What can ya' do? Rainbow continued, "And her study area is massive!" She emphasized by leaning back and stretching forearms out. "I get it, Dash."

"Not done. Need bigger drama levels. Waiting for you."

"To what?"

"Join in. Now. Dooooo iiiit...." Instead I poked her side. "Ah! Okay, fine. Let's go, everypony! We're off!"

"To see the wizard! The wonderful Wizard of Oz! Hahahaha!" Everyone was looking at me like I was an absolute maniac. "Earth joke. Sorry." This got a mumble of what I could only assume were subtle comments along the lines of, 'Oh.' or 'That explains it.' We opened the door of the library to find a green unicorn standing in awe, looking at me. "It's- it's a- hummanah- hessefaff..."

"Aaaaaand I take it you're Lyra..." She let out a... I don't... I don't know what it was, but... I think it was like a squeal. On my end, it came out so loud, squeaky and nervous that it sounded more like what you would hear during an exorcism. She followed with, "You know my name! How do you- When did-"

"Super human-y powers." Bam. She fainted too. I think I would be good for operations! Just imagine this, 'Doc! We're out of anesthetics!'

'Bring in the human!' Then I'm all, 'Sup.' And then I knock everyone out. All sarcasm aside, we now have a green unicorn to take care of. A  placed her on my shoulder and turned to the crew. "Well, this has totally been the most normal day ever!"

"Really, Jack? Super human-y powers?" Rainbow complained.

"Prefer I said super pony... -y... powers?"

"Haha, no that just sounds dumb."

"Hey!" I said, while nudging her arm. We were about to walk straight into town. Whatever word hasn't gotten around, was about about to get around one way or another. Better get this over with. "So where does Lyra live?"

"Near the Sugarcube Corner. Let's go!" So, that's what we did. We goed- Erm... went to the place called the Sugarcube corner, took a left, and we found a two story house that everyone stopped at. I suppose this is where Lyra lives. On the way though, I must say, I would probably have been attacked, had the girls not been with me the whole time. I got reactions somewhere along the lines of, "Eep! What is it!?" and "Oh, the horror!" Alright, alright, let's get back to what happened when we got there.

*knock knock knock*

A muffled voice from inside seemed to complain, "Ugh, Lyra's back already?" Haha! A roommate. I whispered, "Twilight, can I scare her too? Pretty please?"

"Jackson..."

"Oh, come on, you know you wanna see what it looks like."

"Fine." The moment of awesome. The door opened. "So, Lyra, what did... you... find..."

"Hello! I'm a human!"

...

...

*thud*

"Hahaha! Awesome! Now, let's set 'em down." I looked back, even Twilight was laughing! Rainbow was on the ground, Rofling her head off like a win cork. Oh, how I love exaggerational similes. "Hehehehe, okay Jack, you were right, heheh, that was funny," Twilight began but she had to inhale to get her composure. "Okay, we have to set these ones down somewhere. And as the internet would say; suddenly, couch! We walked inside and placed the ponies on the couch. The green one called Lyra inadvertently hugged the other. I let it out what I had held in. "Full. Of. D'aaawwwwww..." Twilight 'd'aaawwww'd with me and even Rainbow smiled. I saw that in my peripheral vision, but as soon as I turned, she sheepishly looked at the floor. Everything was quiet for a decent minute, until I broke the silence, "Okay, so where are we supposed to go to meet everypony in town? The market? Or.. It looked like a market to me on the way here..." Lyra's eye opened just a slit, and neither Twi' nor Dash noticed... but I did. Twilight started to reply but I interrupted, "Well, Jack, I suppose that could wor-"

"Yeah, wait one second. This one's awake." Lyra quickly shut her eyes.

"Lemme guess," she teased, "super human-y powers?"

"No, she was just eyeing me." I walked over to Lyra. "Well, hi there." Nothing. I waited for just a moment before getting up and turning to Twilight, "Okay, let's go." I walked over and as I passed, I whispered, "Walk really slow. Watch this." Twilight complied and Dash went with the flow. Just as planned, right before we got to the door, I was tackled by Lyra. "Oh my Celestia, it'sahumanandIhavesomuchtosay! Somuchtoask! Whendidyo-" I put my hand over her mouth. "Calm down, calm down..." I pushed her off and sat, cross-legged. She sat in front of me. "Okay. Now are you calm?"

"Yes! Yesyesyes! Absolutely!"

"Riiiight... So. Lyra... How are you?" She fainted. A stood up and comically held my hands up above my head, "I give up! Put a sign on my head that says, 'Faint now, or for some reason, I'll make you!'" For the first time, Twilight laughed and not Dash. "Gasp! Dash isn't laughing at another's expense? Whooooaaa! What dark magic is this?" Now she laughed. Mission accomplished. I walked towards the door and spoke in what you would call a stereotypical snobby rich English accent, "Mmyes, ladies. Let us move forwardly." Rainbow laughed but looked mad at herself for doing so. "Dangit Jack! I don't laugh at jokes a lot and I intend to keep it that way!"

"What, and I changed that? How? My jokes aren't even good!"

"Well, I don't know. Everything you say is funny."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah."

"Cheese sauce."

"Ahahaha!" She was just laughing for no reason! I turned to Twilight, "Okay, we're outta here." We walked towards the door, and immediately Rainbow scrambled to her feet and charged at me, hitting a sub-pocket in my cargo pants. "Ow!"

"Sorry, I didn't think it would hurt that bad."

"It wasn't you, there's something in a my pocket!" I reached in and pulled out a metallic rectangle connected to a rubber-y string that splits at the top. My MP3 player! "Joy to the world! Da daaa daaa daaaaa..." I spun in circles just outside the door to Lyra and... the other one's house. I held it out in front of me and looked at it. "What is it?" Twilight asked.

"It's a music player. I don't believe it!"

"What music is on it?"

"You'll see, Twi'." Just then, a green blur ran past me face and into the house. It was Lyra quickly snatching it and ran back into her house. "Dangit! You un-faint fast! I'll be right back, ladies." I ran, full speed into the house after Lyra. "C'mon, Lyra, hand it over please." She opened a door and ran into a room, before closing the door in my face. I didn't run into it like Rainbow did before, but I whacked the knob on the side and shouldered the door open. "Aah! I'm sorry! Don't hurt me!"

"I'm not gonna h-"

*whack* Something hit me from behind , knocking me off my feet and I fell to the ground. "Ow! What the heck?" I turned around to see the other pony standing next to me, face in mine. "You'd better get away from Lyra, ya' freak!" She ran over to Lyra and hugged her. "Okay? Sure, just gimme my MP3 player. Good God, this place can be a pain." I said, while brushing myself off and walking over to the desk where Lyra dropped it. This got me a bucking from the mystery bitch. I'll call her that until I learn her name. Instead of yelling in pain, I clutched my side, and turned to her. "Sweetheart," I started, through gritted teeth, "I have a weapon that can put a hole through your leg faster than you can blink. Stop hitting me. Now." She backed up and I snatched up my MP3. "Hey, pal," Lyra began, very angry, "you'd better not hurt Bon-Bon! I don't care if I have been searching for living evidence of you! I will take you out if you hurt her!"

"Watch out! We gotta bad-flank over here! You know what? I like you." I sat on the floor and continued, "You have real human personality traits. I'll tell you this now. I was never gonna hurt anypony, I just wanted my stuff back. On my way into town, I met you, you fainted, I carried you all the flippin' way back here, met the crazed... not even gonna say it... pony... She fainted too! I carried both your sorry flanks to the couch and had my stuff stolen! So I go to get it, get rammed in to, then get bucked! Just leave me alone! Augh! It's not my fault I'm here, but excuse me! I ALMOST DIED BACK ON EARTH! You wouldn't care though, or maybe you do, in fact, maybe you actually do know how a building getting dropped on you feels!? Yesterday was the one year anniversary my fucking sister died!" The girls flinched at the irate use of the swear word, but I still raged on, "I joined the military and put my life on the line every day because I felt like I couldn't protect anyone after that accident and because it always felt like not even my family wanted me, and on the day of my departure to halfway across the fuckin' world, my girlfriend decided to break up with me. She just left.... she... just told me it was over... I don't need this, you both obviously want me gone."

I got up to leave and they just stared at me. Bon Bon came up and spoke to me in a way that looked like she was more than filled with regret, "I... I'm sorry... I didn't know you went through all that. I was just nervous and I... I could help you if yo-"

"You've 'helped' a little too much for my taste. I think it would be best... If I just left." I wanted to say something so bad that I said what came to mind, not thinking at all. I regretted it, because now Bon Bon looked like she was about to cry. Lyra came over and comforted her friend... Probably more than friends from the constant display of affection that I've been seeing around this place. I don't care, as long as they're out of my hair with it. I walked out and closed the door. As I made my way back to the front door, I met with Rainbow who was coming my way. "I heard yelling. It didn't sound too good so.. here I am. You okay?"

"Well, I'll probably have two bruises in the morning."

"What the hay happened!?"

"Bon Bon thought I was attacking Lyra so... She rammed me and then bucked me. It kinda hurt, but... I was skimmed with a bullet back on Earth so this doesn't hurt as much. Something tells me it'll hurt real bad in the morning."

"Interesting... Me and Bon Bon need to have a talk."

"Nono, Dash, don't- *sigh*" I turned and she was already gone. I walked outside and Twilight was there, waiting patiently. Without acknowledging her, I turned and started back to the library. Twilight soon followed suit, but came up to talk, "Where's Rainbow?"

"Probably chewing Bon Bon out."

"What happened?"

"I'll tell you later."

"Where are you going?"

...

...

...

"Home."

(A/N: This one was not entirely thrown together, but I didn't have time to check for edits. If you find anything wrong, please tell me, I would like to know. Also, should Jack be ponified? Type 1, 2 or 3. I won't let you know which means yes or no, and that's what makes it part of the mystery. Muahaha!)