The Mysterious Tale of the Man Who Didn't Do Much

Chapter 14: Just Like Old Times

Boot Camp, I love you so damn much. I suppose you can't say you've been trained hard-core in the rain and mud much, huh? Well, I have! Makes for a decent run! This girl, erm, mare, I tell ya'! "Never gonna catch me, Dashie!" I called out and looked back. She was gone. "Oh yeah?" I heard from right in front of me. "Cra- *thud*" She smacked me sideways and we landed in a patch of grass. I laid there and pretended to be knocked out, waiting for the best moment. She called out and ran over, "Oh my Celestia! I just can't stop hurting you! You okay?"

"..."

"Crud." She got next to me and leaned forward to prop my head up, she looked like she was inspecting me for a concussion. I suddenly opened my eyes and she fell onto her back in shock. "Aah! Jackson! What the hay, dude?"

"Well, that's only the first half."

"Of what?"

"My revengence. You shall see..."

"Eek! Hehe, Stop scaring me like that!"

"Says the pony who scared me."

"Haha, stop making me laugh! I'm trying to be mad at you!"

"Fine... fine..." I got up and slowly walked back to the library. She quickly went after me. "Where ya' goin'?

"Gee, I dunno. Figured I'd randomly jump into space, how about you?" She laughed at this, and augh! Why is pony laughter so damn cute!? "Finally!" She yelled out, "Somepony with a sense of sarcasm!" She walked up next to me and leaned against me. I put my hand down and pet her... I guess. You don't really pet anything but a cat or a dog. So I guess saying that is extremely weird. Oh well. She squealed with joy so... I guess I made her happy. Okay, I can live with this. She looked at me, angry. "Hey! I said I wanted to be mad at you! Grr!"

"Ah. Help. She is sooo scary. She growled." I said with such a monotone.

"Haha- Dangit Jack! Stoppit!"

"Oh, stop it you. You know laughing is a good thing."

"Yeah. I guess..."

"So I can do this?" I reached down from petting her head, and scratched under her arm, causing it to buckle and her to fall. "Hahaha-" She clasped her mouth shut and calmed down for a split second. "I'm gonna get you back for that!" I ran again, right into the library. All Twilight heard was, "aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Open. Run in. Close in Rainbow's FACE *thud* .... Oooooops. I slowly opened the door to find a moderately broken Rainbow Dash at the step. "Damnit..." I cursed myself under my breath for allowing this to happen. "Twilight, can we get some help. Just a bit?"

"Sure, Jackson, what seems to be the prob- Oh yeah, that happens all the time." Incredible! She didn't seem the least bit phased by this! I picked up Rainbow in a cradling fashion. Something that would embarrass me to no end if she woke up. I walked over to Twilight, who was a little red from the sight, "Where should I put 'er?"

"Heheh, right there."

"Okay." I plopped her down right by the blankets. But riiiiiight as I was putting her down. Yep. You guessed it. She woke right up. "Jack? Hehe, I'm so holding this against you."

"Hey, I'm emotionally unstable as-is. I don't need this too. And the proper way to say it is, 'Thank you.'." I laid down and scratched her side. "Hehehehe- Stop." She pushed my hand away, "I'm still mad."

"I'm trying to make you not be. You're pretty cool in my opinion. You know, when you aren't scaring me or pushing me into puddles of water. Heck, I'm surprised that Twi' doesn't care. She seems so... clean." A voice came from across the house, "Heard that! And you're both taking showers later." Oh good lord. The moment of truth. The moment of PLUMBING. I'm surprised that I haven't even needed to... use the facility. At all. Creepy. Twilight hovered over some towels. "For the time being, here. Dry off. Don't want you to catch a cold now, do we?"

"Course not." Twilight laughed and sat down next to me. "Back off, Twi'. He's mine."

...

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...

...

"I'm your what now!?" Dash was crimson red. (A/N: Now to semi-quote whatever American Dad quoted: Hey Coal Buck... smell mah ass. Ironic, no?)

"UH- I MEANT- UHM. I DIDN'T-"

"Oh, shut up."

"What?"

"Give the army guy a hug..." I said, with annoyance evident in my voice. "Look, Dash. The reason things are so awkward between me and you... Well, first off, I met you, what two days ago? You seem to adore every inch of ground that I walk on!"

"Is it wrong to say I do?" Me and Twilight... Just looked at her with, if I recall, what would be a lot like the Jackie Chan, 'What the hell is wrong with you' meme. "Kidding."

"Okay. Thank God. Rather, Celestia. Lemme continue. Where I'm from, and I've told this to Twilight, but we are the only true sapient being on our entire planet. Being that as it may, it means that we only have "relationships", if you will, with other humans. I have... no clue about here, but I take it from the way you've been acting around me, that there are other forms of life that are immensely sapient. We have a word for... being with 'animals'... I'm not calling you animals! Don't think that, it's just... To my kind... technically... you are."

"I understand completely." Rainbow said.

"You do!?" Twilight answered with me in unison.

"Totally, just lemme voice my opinion. If we were animals, then what would the other things like bunnies, bears, and birds be here?"

......

......

.....

.....

She was right. In 57 different languages and on 32 different levels. She was not an animal at all! She was... well, a pony, technically, but humans are animals, too! Now I don't feel so bad for being attracted to her. Not that way ya' sick fuck bucket... I mean, like the way anyone other than a non-douche bag would be attracted to any human girl. For her qualities. This one was fast, smart, could fly for Christ's sake, was funny, had my sense of humor, wasn't pissed off easily like any other human girl would normally get, hasn't been bossy, and most of all... actually likes me back!

"Dash... That was deep. My mindset is actually now wandering to... what if somepony saw us in the rain?"

The rain had stopped at this point, and it was almost dark out. A white unicorn walked into the library with exasperation clear in her voice. "*pant* Mind telling me why a rumor of a crazy creature fighting Rainbow Dash is quickly circulating Ponyville!?"

"This town is a small town, isn't it, Dash?"

"Yep."

"Well, you know what I'm doing, right?"

"Cool! I'm coming too!" Twilight looked scared now. "You guys can't just go out there by yourself!"

"Nah, it's cool. I can handle myself." I walked over and picked my my USP pistol. In all shameful honesty, I requested it when I was sent out to the middle-east. Guess why. Yup. Call of Duty. Anyway, I made sure it was on safety and and I slid it into my holster. "Ja-Jackson!?" Twilight was freakin' pale as an egg in the winter! Okay... Not really, but she was a lot lighter than normal. "Haha, Twi', I'm not goning to shoot anypony. But.. eh... I'll put on quite the show.

Dash and I crept around the outskirts of town, making sure to weave and bob between houses when none of the ponies gathered talking were looking. We found the perfect spot as I overheard some snobby, stuck-up, rich, know-it-all talk about, "How the thing that attacked Rainbow was a monster, and to be treated as hostile." And how he "won't tolerate chaos here in Ponyville." That "something must be done." I pulled out my gun and took it off safety. I cocked it back and everything was ready. I snuck between houses and ready my gun. None of them had noticed me, they were all focused on that one nuisance of a pony. I crept out of between the houses and came up behind him. The ponies looking at him froze in fear. I aimed far off in the distance and fired my gun.

BANG!

Now it was the rich moron's turn to play my little game of 'freeze tag'. I crouched down behind the pony and whispered in his ear. "This 'thing' has a name, ya' know." He fell to the ground, stiff in fright. "What are you going to do to me? Don't kill me, please!"

"Haha, what? Here, lemme help you up. I just don't like anypony ruining my reputation. My apologies."

"Wha... what are you?"

"Sometimes I ask myself the same thing. Call me Jack."

"Oh... Okay..." He woozily went about attempting to leave, still obviously in shock. Rainbow came out of the alley and we just stared at the crowd of scared-past-hell ponies. "Hi everypony! I'm an alien!" This got the desired result... about 20 ponies fainted. I couldn't help it, neither could Rainbow. We fell into each other laughing. After about a minute or so, we got up and she asked me, "Really? 'This thing has a name'? That's familiar to me. Too familiar."

"What can I say? Just like old times." We set off to the library as the sun set. Romantic, right?

Wrong. As soon as we got there, guess who was all up in my face about, 'Bleh bleh bleh, that was loud'? Can't guess? She's white and prissy. Yup! Rarity! How ever could you tell? "Sorry, I was showing a certain snobby pony not to make assumption. Nopony was harmed."

"You should've seen it, Twilight! Like, 20-something ponies up and fainted! Ahahahaha!" Rarity sighed and looked at Twilight. "This thing is gonna be the talk of the town pretty soon."

"Hey! This 'thing' still has a name, ya know." Rainbow Dash just laughed before putting a hoof around me and saying with a sigh, "Hahah... I was right... Just like old times."