(Not So) Banned From Equestria

Chapter Seven

Waking up in a luxury suite with a pleasant breeze rolling over the balcony and the birds chirping happily on the trestle? Sounds pretty good, right? Waking up to the heartbeat of your mate and a soft coat brushing against your cheek as you bury your head in his chest? Even better! But waking up to the feelings of your love canal suddenly contract, digging into the sides of a stallion cock as it flares inside of you, filling you with a pint of semen? Only one word can describe that: awesome.

I smiled and grunted as I was woken up by the guard cumming inside me—probably for the fourth time, judging by the literal pool of fluids I was laying on top of. Feeling a bit frisky, I rolled myself around his stomach, smearing our mixture even deeper into his fur than before. Before, I thought I smelled like sex, but god damn, his aroma was downright intoxicating! I licked what little of the cum I could reach and shivered as the salty taste hit my tongue. I rolled my eyes back in my head and moaned a feminine moan into the guard’s chest.

“We see you have enjoyed your stay,” a stern voice called out. “We do not think our sister will ever get all of that seminal fluid out of her bed sheets, though. What a shame, too. We hear those were imported from the land of the griffons. Very expensive, indeed.”

I turned my head and got a glimpse of the dark blue mare. She was facing toward me, squatting over a special looking pan. I saw a thick stream of cum flowing from her pussy lips, all swollen from use.

“We have to say that we think you stallions have it lucky when it comes to the clean up,” she said. “All that is required is a shower, while we have to sit over the cum-bucket until we stop leaking.”

I suppressed a giggle and her gaze snapped to me. “Just you wait, young one. You will see just how bothersome draining yourself over a pan for an hour is. And by the looks of it, you have quite a lot to drain out.” I looked around to see that everypony had left but me, her, and the stallion I found myself humping his cock to get off again. I looked back at Luna.

“Where’s Princess Celestia?” I asked, trying to keep myself from moaning. I was getting pretty good at taking dick, I had to say. In fact, I think it was a big accomplishment to be drilled by a two foot cock and not scream wildly into the air for more. Nope, I was a pro.

Luna rolled her eyes and shifted herself so that she was looking at me directly, making sure that she was still positioned over the cum bucket. “Why is it you ponies always ask for my sister, hmm? What is wrong with the princess of the night? Are we not worthy of your attention?”

I slowed my humping, only to have the stallion underneath me start to buck his hips and make up for it. He was close, that was for sure. “No!” I said. “I didn’t mean that at all. I was just wondering where she went off to.”

She sighed. “We are sorry, young one. We do not mean to become brash with you.”

I moaned. “It’s okay.” His thrusts were becoming more erratic and his member was beginning to throb. I found myself slowly climbing up to my next peak. I was close, but from the sound of his grunts, he was closer. I threw my hoof down to my clit and began rubbing as hard as I could.

“Alas, our sister has gone to raise the sun and bring forth the new day. She will be back in a few minutes, no doubt. I do not believe she had her turn over the cum-bucket yet.” I rubbed my nub harder and closed my eyes. He stopped humping and his hips met mine, locking in place as his head flared. I passed the point of no return.

“So would you like to accompany us to the spa later this morning to get our hooves done?”

“Oh god, YES! YES! YES!” I screamed, impaling myself on his dick as it pumped me full of pony semen. My insides felt warm and cozy, and his cock tickled every crevace I had.

“Great, then. We look forward to the bonding session.” I lifted my head and looked back at her, giving what I could only explain as an inquisitive look.

“Huh?”

Suddenly, the noise of clip-clopping hooves came to a halt outside the door. It opened slowly, and in walked in the princess of the day herself, her beautiful mane flowing in an invisible breeze and a string of white liquid dripping onto the carpet underneath her.

Luna laughed. “We see thou hast neglected the use of the bucket, dearest sister. Dost thou need us to let you take a turn?” Celestia didn’t look too happy, but she calmly looked at her sister and cleared her throat.

“Actually, sister, I have a day court starting in ten minutes. Do you think you could…”

Luna nodded. “Of course, sister. What are sisters for?”

Celestia smiled and quickly turned around, showing her cream pie off to me and Luna. She lifted her tail and lowered her head. Luna, however, was fast to respond. She got up from her hunched over position and shoved her muzzle into Princess Celestia’s pussy. Her long, thick tongue started digging into her crevice, digging and sucking out the stallion fluid while Celestia breathed heavily into the carpet. Eventually, Luna ceased her licking and allowed Celestia to lower her tail, covering her puffy but clean lower lips.

“Thank you, Luna.” Celestia rotated around to face us. “Brian, I would stay and discuss our ongoing business arrangement, but sadly, I have to attend to the courts. They cannot run without a supervising princess, so I am afraid this is goodbye for now.”

I slowly got up from my position, sliding off of my stallion’s cock with a sloppy pop. My insides felt like they had been rubbed raw for ten hours straight, and my furry thighs were sliding against each other like they were covered in a fine oil slick. Though, I could feel a prickly layer of hair underneath that, probably from last night’s round of cum that dried on my fur.

My pussy throbbed and beared down on itself, trying to grasp the stallion’s rod that had been parked in my garage for the past eight hours. It felt as if I were missing something absolutely vital to me, and no amount of thought about baseball and grandmothers were able to take my mind away from thoughts of getting stuffed.

I turned to Celestia who was awaiting my response. “So, I guess this is goodbye for a while, then.”

“Are you going anywhere right now?” she asked me.

“She is,” Luna interrupted, “going with us to the spa for a few hours of ‘bonding time’.”

“I am?” I asked, only to elicit a nod from the princess of the night. I did my best not to show my disdain at the idea, but I clearly didn’t look happy. Don’t get me wrong, I was always a big fan of Princess Luna, especially from the show, but talking to a socially defunkt, formerly banished pony that has the power to control the moon was not really on my bucket list. Now, if she wanted to screw, that’s a completely different story, but I have a feeling that this situation is going to end up going to an uncomfortable place. And when I say uncomfortable, I mean she’ll probably end up dumping 1000 years of emotional baggage onto a stranger.

And this is not an educated guess. I swear to God: this stuff always happens to me, and no matter what I look like or where I am, it will always continue to happen. Shit happens, they say, but for me, it’s more like an unpleasant dump. I mean that in every way you can possibly conceive.

“That sounds like a phenomenal idea! My sister and I always set aside time for… bonding,” Celestia said. “Who knows, you may end up liking her, Luna.” In the corner of my eye, I saw a red tinge cover the dark blue face of my future spa buddy, and hopefully not psychiatry patient. She pawed at the ground and looked away.

“Oh, and Brian,” Celestia said, catching my attention. “On your way out, just ask one of the guards to point you in the direction of the First Canterlot Bank. I will send them word that they are to pay you your first stipend.”

I nodded vigorously. “Thank you, Princess. That’s very generous of you.”

She giggled. “Believe me, Brian, the pleasure is all mine.” With a grin, she flipped around and trotted out of the room, leaving me and my moon pal alone. The stallion I was impaled on all night had quietly left without me realizing it, and without so much as a thank you! Geez, stallions can be so ungrateful sometimes…

“We believe it is time for us to dine in the breakfast chamber and then depart to the spa chamber.” Luna said, beginning her trot towards the door. I followed behind her, but she stopped me with a hoof. “We think that thou should make good use of the chamber pot full of cum before thou accompanies us.” I looked down to see a very thick stream of semen flowing straight out of my pussy and onto the carpet.

“...Right,” I said, turning back around. She exited through the large wooden door, and I was left alone. I trotted over to the pan and slowly hunched down so my rear was over the pool of fluids. A soft drizzle could be heard as I felt my hole lose the substance that gave it both warmth and a full feeling. I looked down at my pussy.

You know how you watch a porno or something, and you see some young girl with a vagina that seemed to be crafted by the gods? But then, you see the thumbnail for another video where the lady has the loosest, plumpest lips you’ve ever seen? Well, my pussy was definitely getting to the point where you could consider it like a shoe that’s been worn in. Bending my neck as far as I could, I observed my abused, puffy pussy in awe. The lips were stretched, and even without something inside they looked as if they were still expanded around a horse cock. You could even see my clit without it having to wink, but even then, it was still winking every so often. Around my mound, my whole crotch was completely covered in semen and vaginal fluids. Some was dried, leaving me with a few rough patches here and there, but for the most part, it was still wet.

I sighed, looking back up and surveying the room. It had been a few minutes and there was still no sign of the sperm-less waterfall turning off. After a few minutes, I tried to stop the flow by clenching my lower lis together, but I was still so stretched that anything could enter me unhindered. I sure hoped they would go back to normal eventually, cause every time a gust of wind blew through, I got uncomfortably cold. I pawed at my pussy, smearing the cum along my snatch, but it still kept flowing.

I should have asked Luna to suck it out like she did to Celestia. I shivered at the thought of having Luna delve her tongue deep into my stretched hole and eat me out. It kind of reminded me of what you do if you get bitten by a snake, which in comparison, is actually close to the same gesture. Instead of ‘here, let me suck out the venom so you don’t die,’ you have ‘here, let me suck the cum out of you so you’re not leaking in front of your peasants.’ A grand gesture if I’ve ever seen one.

I looked back down to see the stream… still going strong.

“Uhhh...this is gonna take awhile.”

You wanna know how much stallion baby batter that guy pumped into me?

Fuck if I know, but it took almost a whole hour of me sitting over that stupid pan before it slowed down enough for me to wipe off the rest, clench, and leave Celestia’s bedroom without a trail of cum flowing out of me. I walked through the magnificently festooned hallways and back into the throne room where Celestia and I had our conversation the day before. I’m not gonna lie; I was doing my best to stay quiet. The door was only a few feet away, and I could always just tell Luna that I had to go back to Ponyville earlier than I thought. I hated to be so mean, but in all honesty, my time was valuable, and I couldn’t waste it on some little spa date with a mare with no social skills.

The throne room was empty except for the two guards standing at attention at each side of the door leading outside. The muffled echo of my hooves hitting carpet was the only noise that could be heard. Carefully, I trotted up to them, prepared to inquire on where I might find the bank I had heard Celestia mention the day before.

“There thou art!” a voice called out.

Shit…

Princess Luna descended upon my position faster than a falcon swooping up a wounded field mouse, all the while grinning maniacally.

“Oooh, heeey, Princess… What’s up?”

Luna’s head dipped down and looked at me confusedly. “What is up? Dear child, we do believe the castle ceiling is above us.” She pointed to the gothic archway above us, and for some reason, I found myself looking as well. “Tell us, have you recently been stricken with a case of amnesia?”

I stuttered a bit before answering. “No, nothing like that. I was just asking how you were doing.”

A look of understanding flowed down her face. “Oh, we understand. In that case, we are doing fantastic! It has been more than 1000 years since anypony but our sister has ever had a playdate!” She seemed absolutely giddy with excitement.

Did she just say playdate? Oh god…

“Yeah… about that…”

“What?” she asked, her eyes growing wide. Any incredibly creepy smile she had was immediately thrown under the bus and exchanged for a face that made her look like she was having a heart attack… or an orgasm. But given the circumstances, I doubt she would be having an orgasm for just talking to me.

But it would be impressive if she could, right?

“Oh… I, uhh…” She patiently waited for my response, looking at me with wide, puppy dog eyes. I tried to force out an answer, any excuse at all, but I just couldn’t. Little known fact about me: I briefly considered becoming a psychiatrist before my brief stint in the circus. I always had a knack for judging people’s facial features, and if ponies are anything like humans, Luna had a face that screamed, ‘I won’t make a big deal out of this now, but as soon as you leave, I’m going to cry myself to sleep in a tub full of dark chocolate and wine.’

Well, if I learned anything in the circus, it’s to go with your instincts and also to never try and screw the lion tamer’s wife while he’s performing. The dude can tame lions, for Christ’s sake! Like, with a fucking whip and flaming hoops. The dude benched almost 350 pounds, too!

I think I may be getting a little off topic here…

“I mean,” I said, sighing, “I can’t wait to spend the morning with you… getting our hooves done…”

Please, god of masculinity, I know that we’ve had our differences over the past couple days, but please don’t take this as my last step toward full mare-hood!

Suddenly, I found myself being nudged in the side by an overly enthusiastic princess with a beam that would probably blind Pinkie Pie. “Oh, well then thou art going the wrong way, silly filly. The spa is this way!”

She wrapped a wing around me in a way that made me feel rather uncomfortable, and we awkwardly trotted back down the tiny hallway to Celestia’s room. We stopped in front of a small door with no markings.

“Here we are! Ye olde bath house, attuned to the finest luxury befitting a princess and her closest acquaintances.” She nudged me in the side, and I gave what is best to be described as a pity laugh. At that point, I wasn’t even trying to make it sound natural. And considering her rather long stay on the rock closest to us, she couldn’t notice the glaring differences in any of my social quirkiness.

We stepped inside to find a small, white room with several doors leading off into a few back rooms. A small, pink earth pony stood behind a desk with several robes and towels folded in little stacks on top of each other. Everything seemed to be some sort of off-white color, and all of it was annoyingly bright. Luna looked like a freaking black mass in contrast, and the only thing brighter than the atrocious assault on any spectator of the walls was the spa pony’s smile.

“Princess Luna! What a pleasure it is to have you come by this morning! I certainly hoped you would have given us a bit of warning beforehoof so I may have prepared for your visit. Oh, silly me, what am I saying? I should always be prepared just in case you were to wander by. I apologize, Princess, for my rude behavior.”

Oh, it’s one of those ponies…

Luna let me go and trotted up to the counter. “Thank you very much, Rose. We are pleased to see thee as well.” I couldn’t help but notice how well these two were getting along. One kissing the other one’s flank, and the other allowing her to kiss it. A brief thought of hooking these two up and ducking out of here crossed my mind, but I decided against it. I was already in the spa, and I’m pretty sure she would still cry if I didn’t at least get one of my hooves buffed out or something.

Ugh, I’m really too nice for my own good.

“We require the full V.I.P. treatment, if you would be so kind,” Luna said, floating over a towel onto my back.

The spa pony wrote something down with her mouth and turned back to us. “I take it you had a fun night last night, then?”

Luna blushed. “Why, yes, I believe we did. We think it might be more fitting to pay attention to our friend, though. It is not likely that she used the bucket for the proper amount of time this morning.” I looked down, blushing after I realized that I was still dripping some white fluid from my nethers.

“Ah, yes, I think you are right. I remember my first time having to use the bucket…”

I looked back up. Wait… is the bucket an actual thing? Does… does every mare have one? Before I could ask, Luna motioned for me to follow her into one of the back rooms, and I calmly obliged. How bad could it possibly be? It’s only a spa…

Inside the room was exactly what you might expect in a place like this. There were a few tables that looked like they were for massages, and next to those was a little rock pit where steam flowed off. Across the room, there was a small, hot tub-like pool with bubbles rising up and releasing steam as they popped.

“Ahh, it has been ages since our last trip to the spa! This will be a fine venture, indeed. Come,” she said, “let us begin with the beautification.”

“Oh god, this doesn’t make me gay, does it?” I asked as my heart leapt. Shit, I said that out loud!

“What was that?” Luna asked.

Wait, she didn’t hear me, awesome! “Oh, I said, ‘It’s alright if I say yay, isn’t it?’” Okay, it’s official: I’m a full blown idiot.

“Well,” Luna said, smiling, “I suppose it is if thou thinkest it will double the fun! Yay!”

It took all the effort I had not to facehoof and sigh, but I kept my composure, along with plenty of other emotions, buried deep inside the confines of my mind. “Great,” I said.

With that, the white mare from the front desk appeared next to the tables and motioned for us to lay down. I sat in the middle table and Luna sat in the one to my left. We laid down on our stomachs and splayed our hooves in all different directions—much like a human would, I supposed. In this position, I could feel the top of a certain sensitive spot graze the plastic on the table, and I shuddered.

“We see you are still in the worst of your heat, Brian,” a voice suddenly called out.

I looked up, a bit startled at the princess of the night noticing that I was still incredibly horny. To tell you the truth, I still didn’t even know if I was in heat. Quite frankly, I’ve always been a horny guy, and the entire time I’ve spent here I’ve been absolutely soaked down there. Who’s to say that it won’t always be like that? What if I was just a really slutty mare and my heat hadn’t even hit me? I shuddered as my lips let loose a little bit of my mare juice in a sudden expulsion.

Nope, I’m in heat.

“How did you know?” I asked nervously.

“‘How could we not know,’ is the better question.” She flipped her hoof casually as two burly stallions trotted in and took their places. Each one stood on their hind legs at our side and slowly began caressing our backs with their oiled hooves. I groaned in pleasure. It had been quite a while since I had gotten a good massage.

“We know that you are not really from here, Brian,” she said. “We also know that your current state is not the one you are supposed to be in. But seeing as though you might be stuck in this body for a while, we feel as though we should explain a few things to you.”

I nodded, a little startled that she knew who I was. I mean, I didn’t think it was a secret, and nopony had really responded to it as startling, so I guessed it was not a big deal. But really, that speaks a little about just how strange stuff must get around here. Just how often does an alien show up, bang, and impregnate everypony in a small, rural town?

“First of all, you have to understand that you are giving off a rather… distinctive scent right now.” She motioned behind me. “It has the rather strange effect of arousing members of the other sex.”

I looked next to me to see that the stallion rubbing my back had a full-on erection nearly grazing my fur. He was blushing so hard I almost laughed.

“Secondly, you keep raising your tail and winking, which has been happening constantly for some time now. Usually it stops once ejaculation has happened, but you… It doesn’t seem to stop for you.”

“Tell me about it,” I said. I flicked my tail to the left, and in a move that I could only be described as hilarious, scared the living daylights out of my masseur. He was not ready to feel that, I’ll tell you what. “Sorry,” I told him as he carefully went back to massaging. Though, he was a little closer and his member was beginning to prod my side. I was a bit startled at the sudden feeling, and it seemed as though I was the one blushing instead, but regardless I kept my trap shut.

That brave stallion, I thought. I think he’s trying to show me a little bit of affection. I briefly thought about taking his cock, all mottled black and pulsing, in my mouth right then and there. There was no hiding my arousal with the small, whitish puddle that was obviously growing on the table, and my tail was just refusing to come down.

“And then there’s the last point. The way you look at stallions makes us think you have always been a mare!” I felt the hooves stop moving on my back and what I can only describe as a shudder and a cringe. To my right, the stallion’s dick suddenly lost its hardness, and began to retreat into its sheath.

Damnit, Luna! Way to go! Now I’m horny and empty. I looked back at her with an angry expression, but nothing could really display my pissed-off attitude at the princess. Well, maybe a middle finger, but I seem to be lacking a couple of those these days.

“Alas, do not fret, my dear Brian. We assure you that this is a passing ordeal, and sooner than later, you will feel as fresh as a moon daisy.”

I looked at her quizzically. “Moon daisy?” But, she didn’t seem to hear me, lost in her little world of back massages and hooficures. A mare had already started working on her hooves, and one was just about to start mine. I closed my eyes, allowing my body to go limp as I felt the gentle rubbings on my back and the shining of my own hooves.

You know, I had spent almost a week of total time in Equestria, counting my first few days along with the past couple ones. For the life of me, the whole experience still feels so surreal. I mean, for the longest time, I’ve always imagined what it would be like to be here, and now that I actually am, it just feels like at any time I could wake up and realize it was all just a dream. But it’s not a dream, and that’s what makes me so… I don’t know.

Flabbergasted?

My masseur hit a particularly sensitive spot on my lower back and I moaned in delight. I will say one thing about this place: ponies know how to please. No, I’m not calling this place some sort of pleasure filled, oasis-like nirvana with occupants who would like nothing more than to make you orgasm, but… it’s certainly gone that way, hasn’t it? You know what, I’m sure I’m a special case, though.

“So, Brian, care to tell us a little about yourself?” Luna asked.

The question came as kind of a surprise, and it got me thinking. I know a disturbingly high amount of information on these ponies, but they know very little about me.

“Well,” I said, “there’s really not that much to know. I mean, you already know all the important stuff, that is.” I turned my head over to face her. She was watching me back.

“No, we mean more about you as a pony. What type of hobbies are you interested in?”

Oh god, she wants to start small talk…

“I don’t really think there’s an equivalent of watching T.V. here, but I guess if you have radios, I enjoyed listening to those.”

“We are not sure about this T.V. thou speakest of is, but we do have the radio. Tell us, does yours run on magic to deliver sounds to the populace.”

“Well, we send out music and sometimes communicate through it, but ours doesn’t run on magic.”

“No magic?” she asked. “Well then how does it work?”

I was about to respond but then I realized one crucial fact: I had no clue as to how the hell a radio worked. Something with electricity and… radio waves or something?

“I, uhh, never mind.” I just gave up, okay? I’m wasn’t going to explain something I don’t even know to a pony from the dark ages. “Let’s talk about something else.”

“Oh,” she said, looking a bit downtrodden. “Well, just tell us something important about you.”

“Um, alright. Well, like I said, there’s not much to talk about. I mostly did odd jobs to make ends meet, and I never really was one for going to college.”

“Odd jobs, you say? Like the one you perform for our sister?”

“… No…” I nearly facehoofed. “Where I come from people don’t really—” I stopped myself. “… No, I didn’t do that sort of thing back then. More of the type of job like fixing busted cars… er, I mean carriages. And for a couple years, I laid pipe.”

“Ah, so you did serve as an escort,” she said, nodding her head.

“Huh? I said that I didn’t—” I started to say, but then realized exactly what had happened. I quickly shook my head realizing that I didn’t really care enough to pursue that avenue of conversation. “Anyway, I guess I just sort of blew through cash until I ended up here.”

“But of course,” she said. “We understand the feeling of being on your own. After all, we spent nearly 1000 years on the moon until we came back, only to find our home just as lonely…”

My eyes grew wide, and if I had palms, they would almost assuredly be clammy right now. Oh dear Lord, she’s going to do it…

“But that’s alright.” I breathed a sigh of relief. “As long as we have our sister… and now you, we do not think we will suffer from our crippling depression once again, as we had on-and-off for the past few years.”

Uh-oh…

“It’s not like we are concerned over the constant, droll, monotonous rut that we have come to realize is our life. Completely and utterly gone is our old way, along with our best friends, lovers… pets…”

Aaand here it comes…

Suddenly, Luna burst into a fit of tears, crying softly as the masseur continued to rub her back (smartest stallion I’ve ever met) and the spa pony did her back hooves. She coughed and sputtered as tears dripped down her cheeks and snot down her nose.

“Aww, come on now… It’s okay,” I tried to awkwardly console her as I laid down. “It’s alright.”

“N-n-no, it’s not! I don’t have any friends!”

I sighed. “Hey now, Princess, you know that’s not true!”

“No, it’s not! You lie to make m-me feel better!”

“No, I’m not! Come on, look: There’s your sister… and Twilight Sparkle…” She raised her head up to me with the saddest eyes I had ever seen. “… And me.” I guess…

She snorted loudly as she tried to clear the mucus from her nostrils. Then she wiped her eyes with a hoof. “Y-you really mean what you say?”

I gave my best sympathy smile. “S-sure I do,” I lied. “How could you even ask that?”

She blew her nose into the towel she brought in, matching the resonance and tone of what I could only guess is a battered baritone saxophone. I grimaced after seeing the leftover mucus on the towel and her miserable looking face. Before then, I hadn’t realized just how much snot a pony could have in their nostrils… and then I wished I didn’t.

“We can see why our sister has taken such a liking to you, Brian,” she said sniffling.

“Well, what can I say. I’m a charmer.”

We went back to enjoying our back rubs without saying anything to each other, a fine cloud of awkwardness settling around us in a dense fog. The ponies working on my hooves were doing a phenomenal job—and when I say phenomenal, I mean cleaner than if Mr. Clean gave them one of his mystical golden showers to purify them. It had taken a while for them to scrub my back hooves, and before I knew it, we were finished and sitting in the hot tub.

The spa ponies had taken the liberty of covering our eyes with two slices of cucumber knowing full well they didn’t do a single thing to our complexion. I know this because I once worked as a masseur for about two days. It was for some back-alley parlor that charged like thirty bucks for a massage and we were expected to make up from the lack of good pay with tips. I knew it was a shady deal when I had to have a password to come in through the back, but it wasn’t until a man—probably around my mother’s age—asked me for a handy.

Needless to say, I booked it out of there and never spoke of it again… until now, for some reason.

“What sort of name is Brain anyway?” Luna asked suddenly. I couldn’t see her because of the cucumbers.

“It’s just a name,” I said. “A human name that was more random than anything. In fact, my parents thought I was going to be a girl, so my name was going to be Briana. It just ended up with Brian when it turned out I was a boy instead.”

“Do the humans where you come from have peculiar names like that?”

I giggled. “Let’s just say that you might have a hard time in the Bronx, and leave it at that.”

“… Alright,” she said, obviously giving up on that lead. “So, did you have a special somepony before you came here?”

I found my smile losing a battle. “No, not recently. A little bit before, but that was a long time ago…” My voice had lost any enthusiasm it once had, and I replied in a flat tone. It was a long time ago, and something I didn’t really like to talk about. She wouldn’t understand.

“Ah, we see,” Luna said. “You were unemployed, without a mate, and supposed to have been born a female… Is this normal by the standards where you come from? Because here in Equestria, that makes you a loser.”

“Yea-” I almost said but caught myself. Wait… did she just make a joke? Fuck you, Luna…

“You’re not funny,” I said as she began to laugh. “You’re not funny at all.” Even though I was a bit taken by her comment, I found myself giggling along with her. She was practically falling apart at the seams, and soon, I was too. Maybe… maybe I misjudged her a little bit.

“We simply jest, my dear Brian. Tis a joke.”

I fought back some laughter. “Alright, well you’re right, though. I guess I wasn’t the most successful guy around. But what does it matter? I’m taking a bath with royalty!”

“Ah,” Luna said. “But did you know that the consort is the most trusted pony in the castle—even more so than the castle chef?”

“Castle chef? Does he have a lot of trust?”

“As a matter of fact, she does. We entrust her to prepare our meals and leave out the poison.”

I chuckled. “But why would Celestia trust me so easily? After all, I’ve only spent about two days around her.”

“You forget, Brian. While we were banished, we were not the only one who was suffering from loneliness. You just happened to offer her something that hadn’t been offered in a long time.”

“Wait, Celestia hasn’t had a mate in a while? Why hasn’t somepony made a move on her? I mean, she is pretty… hot.”

“Oh, and you call our jokes terrible.” We both laughed. “It is not that ponies do not find her attractive, it is just that she might seem a little bit too…”

“Intimidating?”

“Exactly. And since you were the first to make a move in nearly a century, she was defenseless against it. Plus the foal and all.”

“Oh yeah,” I said, reminded of the literal busload of foals I would be fathering in the near future. Quite frankly, I had lost count of how many there were, and it had become more of a ‘I don’t know how I’m gonna do it, but it’s going to be done’ sort of deals.

A pause interrupted our conversation, and I decided to pick it back up. “Well, I guess that means I can do whatever the hell I want then, huh?”

“It would seem so…”

It was then that an idea popped in my head—almost like one of those light bulbs in cartoons popped on over my head, giving me an epiphany. The heat of the hot tub was doing absolutely nothing to soothe the deep burning in my loins. In fact, I had been masturbating the entire conversation with Luna, using the bubbles, and the fact we were wearing cucumbers on our eyes, to hide the fact.

Also, before I go on, let me make a little observation. As a pony, my eyes were pretty freaking big. Like, about two to three times as big as they were before, which is fucking gigantic. It’s a wonder how my brain can fit inside with such little room to spare… Anyway, I digress. The cucumber slices were draped over my eyes without me noticing the difference from if I did it as a human, but that’s the thing.

Two questions ran through my mind. One: how big were these cucumbers? And two: where the hell did they keep the non-cut ones? Hey, I was not above cramming a six inch wide cucumber up my cooter to satiate this little conundrum of mine. Hell, I would do anything to have that itch taken away. Anything!

But sadly, I didn’t see where the evil spa ponies were hoarding their cucumbers, or at least I couldn’t see the stash anywhere nearby. I needed something… I needed something hard. I needed something long… I needed…

I chuckled at my deviant thoughts. Luna tilted her head back, eyes covered, and breathing slow breaths. And suddenly, I saw something that would fulfill my need: Luna's long, ridged, beautiful horn. I put my hooves on the side of the pool and carefully pulled myself out, taking care not to splash or make any noise that might alert the lunar mare to my machinations.

She said that as a consort I was given an incredible amount of trust, which I decided to immediately abuse. I tip-hoofed my way over to her until my eyes were inches away from my goal. Upon her forehead rested the foot long, deep blue horn that twisted around until it tapered off at the end. It was a little wet from the tub water which made it all the more arousing. I quickly turned around and backed up so my flank was resting right above her head. The tip of her horn was inches away from my cunt.

I let out a breath of longing, preparing to slowly sit down until my cheeks were hitting Luna’s forehead. I knew for a fact that she would struggle, but I didn’t care. I was going to be horned by a princess, or I was going to die trying! Slowly, I inched my ass down until I felt the tip barely graze one of my lips. I was a bit off on my aim, but I was close. I repositioned myself and began my ascent again.

The tip, this time sliding in between my lips, found its way to my hole no problem—probably because of how stretched out I was from the night before. It prodded my opening and slipped in a few inches. The horn twists made a feeling similar to the ribbing from Rainbow Dash’s strap-on, all of which grazed my clitoris as it rested inside my lips. I moaned in absolute bliss.

And that’s when Luna figured out what I was doing.

Her immediate reaction was to sit up, which only shoved her horn deeper into my vagina, making me groan louder than before. “You sneaky mare!” she yelled. “Our horn is not meant to be used as a phallus at your beck and call!”

I just sat further down, three fourths of her horn sinking into my pussy as I brought more weight down in her head. She slumped down, unable to take the pressure coming from above. I just kept moaning deep, throaty, female moans.

“Brian, get off of us now! We are not enjoying this one bit!” She put a hoof on my flank and I began to raise up… only to come crashing back down, my lips kissing the area around her horn, leaving my mare juices trickling down her face. A little bit of stallion cum was left on her horn from when I had the guards cum inside of me. Her horn wasn’t as wide as a stallion’s cock, but it was definitely harder, and almost as long, too. I continued to lift myself up a little and softly slam my rear back down, taking it all inside me.

At first I thought it was my heat prodding me to go faster, but a sudden strange change on temperature flaring in my pussy made me realize her horn was spewing little shots of magic everywhere. I closed my eyes, lifted my head to the ceiling, and groaned as sparks tickled my insides in a way I had never felt before. I increased my pace as I neared my final peak. Luna, despite the fact that she was protesting my advances before, was actually thrusting her head in every time I pulled off. I hadn’t realized it, but I guess a horn for a unicorn is a pretty sensitive and sexual pressure point.

“We are cumming!” Luna screamed as I felt a load of searing heat pierce through my pussy and even further into my body. It was too much, and soon I found that my cunt was spewing forth a liquid mixture of stallion cum, magic, and good, old-fashioned mare honey all over the princess’ face. My pussy clamped down on her horn and Luna began to twirl her head around and grind her length against my love canal.

I took myself off of her and fell over onto the floor, my cunt winking and squirting mare juice every so often. “Holy shit…” I moaned, breathing hard. “Did you just cum magic into me?”

“Indeed, Brian. Indeed we did.”

Before I go any further, let me ask you this: Why does a mare have a clitoris inside her vagina instead of the outside? Well, my friend, thank biology! Yes, the clitoris, usually on the outside of a female’s body, is located there for the sole reason of pleasure. You see, a long time ago, stallions didn’t have all that impressive stamina they do these days, and because of that, many mares went without orgasm when having intercourse. This, of course, led to many angry nights and slippery hooves. But that old bastard we call biology decided to flip things around and give mares something to look forward to at the end of the night. That’s right, the clitoris is there for the sole reason of allowing the mare to achieve orgasm faster than her mate in order for her to clamp down on her mate’s cock and squeeze the semen into her uterus, and out pops a foal 11 months later.

And you probably thought you would never learn anything from good ol’ Uncle Brian.

Alright, back to the story.

The morning went surprisingly well, considering my belief that I had used up all of my luck after getting beamed back by Twilight “Scotty” Sparkle. My saddle bags jingled from the outrageous amount of bits Celestia had deemed appropriate to give me in return for knocking her up. I almost felt a little bad taking it, but then again, it’s money! Why the hell wouldn’t I take it?

I walked through Canterlot and did a little window shopping until I stopped at a dress shop. Inside I found the absolutely most gorgeous dress I had ever seen in my entire life! The lace around the edges wasn’t too flashy, and the pink medled brilliantly with the white trim…

It was only when I realized that I had somehow walked in the store, bought the dress and put it on that I had realized what I had done. I had just window shopped… for a dress… and bought one because I thought it would make other mares jealous… and tried it on. I gagged. I truly and honestly gagged. In a show of what I can only describe as a show stealing masterpiece of art, I stared longingly into the mirror at the shop, tears in my eyes and lip quivering.

“What have you become, Brain… what have you become?”

“It truly looks beautiful on you, miss,” the stallion who sold it to me said.

I wiped away a tear. “I know. I know.”

Shenanigans aside, I put the dress in one of my saddlebags, intent on never opening it again, and made my way to the train station. When I got there, the sign informed me that the next train to Ponyville departed in half an hour, and the trip would take a little over an hour. It was only about eleven in the afternoon, but I grimaced at the wait, realizing I would have to be in public the entire time. My pussy winked and I felt a trickle of mare juice flow down my fur. I was still in heat, and terribly so.

It’s going to be a long trip, I thought. But at least I might have something to look forward to…

I licked my lips seductively and sat down on the nearest bench. I had hatched another brilliant plan, and as soon as the train landed, my machinations would go into motion.