Chapter One: F*ck Old Ladies Who Watch Deadliest Predator

60’s Spiderman launched out of his shitty $15 a month apartment’s window and took to the streets, a web immediately clinging to the surface of a badly drawn skyscraper. ‘What was the reason for this?’ You may ask.

Buuuuungroooole!

After taking a dump which lasted several hours 60’s Spiderman looked to his right, immediately screaming at the sight before him… The lack of a certain tissue that he used to dive deep into his deeply crevice, which shall be called: Bunghole!

He swung effortlessly through Badly Drawn New York City; his spider pants pulled all the way down to his spidey ankles, giving all below a perfect undisclosed view of his spidey junk.

After coming to his favorite convenient store he immediately charged full force through it see through glass door, shattering it into tiny pieces, allowing him entrance to the store. He sprinted as fast as his spidey legs could carry him until he came to the toiletries aisle and to his horror (Punctuated by him putting the back of his to his forehead and screaming a womanly screech) they were out of precious bungrole.

Before you could say ‘bungrole’ 60’s Spiderman leapt fifteen feet, clearing the entire store and landing him just outside, already onlookers crowded around the store to see all the ruckus, their badly animated faces showing nothing but happiness and extreme monotonous looks. Of course 60’s Spiderman didn’t give a single fuck from the stares, instead charging wildly through them, his junk swinging rapidly.

In a single bound he leapt through (And broke) the window of and elderly women watching reruns of ‘Deadliest Predator).

“Are you going to rape me?” The Old women question, the hair from her noise muffling her speech, the question was not out of place, you see a man with his dick out break into your apartment or course rape would cross your mind, but this was thee spidey dick. This took 60’s Spiderman aback so much he froze and stared utter hatred at the women.

"You low corrosive lump of fecal horror, you maniac bastardly turd. I would rather drink stale urine from Billy May's ass pit then remain one moment more in your defiling company. You're filth, you're cack, you're the ooze of a burst boil. I abominate, you towering mound of corrupted slime. Your every utterance is like the slithering hiss of a fat maggot in the putrid guts of a decomposing rat. Your face is fouler than the unwiped inner ring of satans rectum… Bitch you uglaaaay!” 60’s Spiderman replied back as coolly as he could muster, kicking the old bitch of her chair before vaulting to her bathroom.

He ripped off the door (Super powers? Remember?) And surveyed the bathroom, his eyes searching for the thin sheets of paper which were his salvation. Instead he found none, just an unsettling amount of Adult Diapers by the corner, which looked as if they haven’t been opened in a long time….

Temptation began to sweep over him, would he really be reduced to that level? A grown man barely past [Age Redacted] in an adult diaper?

“NO!” He proclaimed out loud, his finger aiming towards the cracks in the ceiling, where years of decay had taken it. He stormed out of the Old Women’s Apartment, finger still high in the air. He carried on like this until he reached his apartment, greeted to the sight of a furious LuLu.

“WHERE HAVE THOU BEEN!” She proclaimed, her royal Canterlot voice sending tremors throughout the apartment building, some dust raining down from the ceiling. Instead of replying he merely presented his un-wiped backside to her, causing her to recoil in disgust.

LuLu had grown accustomed to living with her true love, his shoddy apartment, and his eccentric ways and of course his junk (Which he let dangle freely whenever he deemed appropriate.) However this was entirely new.

“Thy dost not revel in the sight of thou’s bared backdoor!” She exclaimed, going red in the cheeks. 60’s Spiderman spun on his heel until he back looking down upon his ‘Fuck holder’ a title given to any that hold one of his almighty fucks, Lulu was the first and only being to be given one of his fucks.

“To Equestria. Now!” 60’s Spiderman demanded, already impatient, his fist clenched. This was his final hope, his last chance, the only possible way of acquiring his prize, his sacred Bunghole!

“No…” The Princess replied, her voice monotone. 60’s Spiderman often asked this of her, mostly just to get objects the he was too lazy to walk a block to acquire. These objects are as follows: Chips, soap, soda, clothing, apples, and for some odd reason saddles, which never come into any of daily activities.

“Pweeeeeeese~” 60’s Spiderman begged, falling to his knees… She always gave; she did love him after all…

“Sure there’s an alternative?” She asked, rolling her eyes. Ponies had began to shun her, if she was here so was he. When he first arrived he had kicked a young pony in the jaw and uttered profanity profusely, then at his trial his humor? Had successfully took the Princess of her feet (Hooves?) and she fell in love with him and did he, her.

60’s Spiderman shook his head from side to side like a child, earning another eyeroll from her. If eye rolling could give you a disease depending on the amount of times you did it LuLu would have all known forms of aids, cancer and STDs.

“Fine…” She deadpanned, immediately her horn was engulfed in a night blue light and they were both gone in a flash of light, leaving their front door open and a massive broken window in their bathroom… What! Just because it’s a badly animated New York doesn’t mean it isn’t dangerous! Haven’t you seen any movies based in New York? Christ…

[A few moments later]

Suddenly in the center of Ponyville, sparks similar to that of the Deloreon from back to the future parts one through three, staring Michael J Fox and Christopher Lloyd as they travel back and forward in time in an effort to save the present. The first was fantastic and the second and even the third, I mean when I was a kid I stayed up for hours watching the entire trilogy countless times and even bought the entire trilogy on Blu-ray a couple years back.

If I were to put them in order it would be:

First
Third
Second

I know, I know, the third wasn’t especially ‘liked’ but that doesn’t make it bad, if anything I’d say it a great third, not many ‘thirds’ in a trilogy really measure up to the standards of most people (Blade: Trinity, Alien 3, Batman: Forever and Jurassic Park 3) but I’d say Back to the Future part three is one of the best three-quels ever made, along with Star Wars Episode six, Lord of the Rings: Return of the king and Die Hard 3.

Oh Crap, I was writing a story wasn’t I, sorry about that. Ahem…

Out of the Sparks appeared a flustered Princess LuLu (The spell always drained after each use, especially when carrying a passenger along) and of course the passenger himself.

“Ok my love. Behave yourself this time, dost thou remember not the incident with the app-“ Her sentence ended abruptly when she saw that her love wasn’t standing beside her, but instead running towards a remote path that lead towards the Everfree forest, presumably towards the home of a certain butter yellow Pegasus.

“Spice give me strength…” She muttered, before following the trail sluggishly.