It was a beautiful day in Ponyville. Of course, it was always a beautiful day in Ponyville, thanks to the weather team. This particular day, however, was particularly resplendent because once again, the day had been saved and harmony restored by the resident superheroines of the town, the Elements of Harmony. As per usual, an ancient horror with apocalyptic intentions had invaded Equestria. And as per usual, the Elements of Harmony had banded together to defeat the threat and save Equestria. One such Element, a pink mare by the given name, Pinkamena Diane Pie but who insisted on being called Pinkie Pie, was bouncing along the streets of Ponyville, enormous smile affixed to her face as she regarded the village that she knew and loved.

All of a sudden, Pinkie Pie stopped bouncing, defying physics and common sense as she changed her direction suddenly. Her trajectory veered off in the direction of a cloud. This cloud was obviously special, as it was the only cloud in the sky over Ponyville.

“RAINBOW DAAAAAAASH!” cried Pinkie, screaming at the lone resident of the cloud.

“…” the cyan mare with the rainbow coloured mane lying on top of the cloud replied, subtly swishing her tail, gently pushing the cloud away from the source of the commotion.

Thinking quickly, Pinkie looked down and finally landed. She then quivered her legs, generating small amounts of steam, until she finally burst into the air and shot towards Rainbow Dash.

“GOT YOUR CONK!” Pinkie screamed into Rainbow Dash’s sleeping face as she poked Rainbow Dash’s nose lightly.

“What the hey-Pinkie Pie!” Rainbow Dash cursed in dismay, “I spent all day cleaning up the mess from yesterday! What more do you want from me?”

Pinkie Pie smiled down at him and replied, “Silly filly, we all spent today cleaning up that icky Smooze ooze. The evil Lord Smooze was the ickiest meanie that tried to take over equestrian ever! Even Discord cleaned up his mess when we beat him the first time! I’m just so glad he’s reformed now-You know what else is reformed-My new Smooze filled cupcakes!”

From… somewhere, Pinkie Pie pulled out a perfectly prepared pink pastry. Rainbow Dash stared at it. “Pinkie Pie, Smooze was purple.”

Pinkie Pie giggled and snorted “Silly, that’s why I said it reformed! In the oven!”

Rainbow Dash sighed, and asked “Is that what you’re here to show me? We’re eating bad guys now?”

Pinkie Pie stared in horror at the cupcake in her hand as she quivered dangerously in the air.

Rainbow Dash looked over at Pinkie, who was still somehow hovering in the air. “Pinkie, how are you -you know- up here?” she gestured at the empty air below Pinkie.

Pinkie Pie began to fall. “Because talking is a free actioooooooon!” she cried, orienting her body to brace for landing. “Oof!”

Rainbow Dash scratched her head, and called down to her “Pinkie Pie, you are so random.”

Down below, Pinkie Pie bounced off the floor and dusted herself off. She looked at the cupcake in her hand and sighed. ‘It tasted sooooo good too!’ she thought as she tossed it away in disgust. “Stupid Dashie and her ‘Don’t eat nummy tummy Smoozes! It was alive once!’ Well now it’s not and it’s delicious! Why did I have to be a herbivore…“ she muttered under her breath. She noticed a few ponies moving away from her, and stopped muttering to herself about eating apocalyptic oozes in public.

Turning the corner, she found herself arriving at her destination: The Ponyville post office. She trotted in and looked around. ‘Pinkie sense says…’ she thought, looking at each individual pony in the hall. ‘Aha! New pony, ten o’clock!’ she thought with glee. The new pony she was looking at was a rather plain looking silvery blue pegasus stallion with a cutie mark in the shape of a magnifying glass. He was deep in conversation with Derpy Hooves, Ponyville’s resident mailmare.

‘Well, I was also going to send some mail, so I’ll kill two birds with one stone here!’ Pinkie thought. ‘Wait, pegasi are like birds. They have wings and all. I wonder if I can hit them both with one stone? But that would hurt them! Bad Pinkie!’ she shook her head.

“Hi Derpy! Hi new pony! I’m Pinkie Pie! You must be new here, cuz I know everyone in Ponyville and I don’t know you!” she burst out, leaping over to the two of them. She leaned towards the new pony. “Whoooooo are yoooooou?” she asked, giving her brightest and widest smile, which in her opinion, was fairly wide. She did practice them, after all.

“What? Well… I’m not sure if… uhh…” the new pony stammered out, looking at Derpy for help.

“Oh, hi Pinkie Pie!” Derpy chirped. “This is Digger Doo, my cousin!” she introduced. Digger waved nervously, looking around the post office as if expecting a reprimand for doing so. “What are you here for?” asked Derpy.

“Well, I was coming here to deliver some mail to the Cakes, but then my Pinkie senses tingled and told me there was a new pony in town so I came to the post office and saw Digger and you talking and then I thought I could kill two birds with one stone but then I thought that it would be really sad if I hurt you with a rock so I told myself I wouldn’t throw a rock at you and then I thought I should introduce myself and then I said hi to both of you and-” Pinkie paused. “I think you know what happened after that.”

Digger stared at Pinkie incredulously “Are you real?” he blurted out before blushing and stammering out an apology.

Pinkie nodded and poked him in the face. “Yuppers! I’m as real as you are! That way I don’t have to be your imaginary friend, I can be your real friend!” she grinned at him. “Willyoubemyfriend!” she shouted, pulling a massive contraption from out of nowhere. The other few ponies in the post office looked curiously at the commotion and chuckled, recognizing this as ‘typical Pinkie’.

Digger’s eyes widened, and he turned to Derpy. “I can’t be here. This was a mistake” he whispered. He turned to Pinkie. “Forget I was here, and don’t follow me” he whispered harshly, rushing out of the post office doors and taking flight.
Pinkie scratched her head. “Cranky didn’t like the Welcome song either. But I didn’t even start singing! Maybe it needs more balloons?” She sighed, before perking up. “Oh, well! I’ll get him later. No one escapes a Pinkie Pie Party!” she rubbed her forehooves together and cackled.

Derpy looked curiously over at Pinkie. “Did those witches from yesterday possess you? I thought Celestia locked them away.”

Pinkie giggled. “Don’t be silly. They’re locked away safe and snug where they won’t be able to make any more of that icky Smooze.”

Derpy shuddered. “I took some of that to my face. That was weird… It was like I was flying in a rainbow made of muffins” Her face grew vacant with recollection. “Trippier than my special muffins…”

Pinkie smiled slyly. “Really? What’s in those muffins to make it so fun?”

Derpy giggled vapidly, eyes drooping. “Well, it’s like a normal muffin, but my secret ingredient makes it all the more special.”

Pinkie nodded, bouncing up and down. “Go on… Secret ingredient…”

Derpy shook her head. “Wait, what were we talking about?”

Pinkie stared at Derpy with watery eyes and pouty lips. Derpy narrowed her eyes. “Were you trying to get my secret muffin recipe again?”

Pinkie’s eyes slid to the side. “No…”

Pinkie felt Derpy move her face closer, eyes gazing deep into Pinkie’s soul. “yes” whimpered Pinkie, covering her face with her forelegs. She felt a pat on her back, and gazed out of the slit between her forelegs.

Derpy smirked down at her. “Nice try, Pinkie. Do you have any real business here, or are you just here to steal my recipies?”

Pinkie sat down and pulled a letter and a box out of hammerspace. “I’m here to deliver a letter to the Cakes, remember?”

“Oh, right!” said Derpy. “Here. I’ll take that for you” She pulled out a clipboard. “Alright, you know the drill.”

Pinkie Pie signed the clipboard, and handed over the usual fee. “Rightie-o’s then!” she said, turning to leave.

Suddenly sinister laughter washed through the post office, as the floor turned into a blood red fleshy mass. It pulsed twice in quick succession, and Pinkie Pie immediately realized that she was standing on top of a giant heart.

Pinkie Pie sighed. “Discord,” she began to sink into the blood, her horror suppressed for the sake of the remnants of her sanity. “Put the floor back the way it was.”

A head popped out of the floor, looking like a twisted amalgamation of a goat’s head with an elk’s antler and one sharp, pointed tooth. “Oh, Pinkie Pie. You know how I feel the bottom of my heart drop out from under me whenever you don’t laugh at one of my tricks! So I thought I’d make you drop into the bottom of my heart!”

A trapdoor opened up under Pinkie Pie. She felt herself sinking deeper into the disgusting macabre mess. Her hooves were entirely covered in blood, and Pinkie felt the blood beginning to cover the sensitive parts of her legs. She felt water running down her face and realized that she was crying. “DISCOOOOORR-” she began to yell, but was cut off when the post office returned to normal. Shell shock began to sink into Pinkie Pie’s psyche, but was interrupted by obnoxious laughter.

“You should have seen the look on your face Priceless!” crowed Discord, literally rolling on the ground.

Pinkie Pie looked around. The other ponies, judging from the suspicious rather than disturbed stares they were giving the two of them, had not been subjected to the scene that she had witnessed. ‘Phew’ she thought, before turning on Discord. “How dare you!” she hissed furiously. The other ponies, having never seen Pinkie Pie angry before, began to edge towards the door. “YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE REFORMED! THAT WAS WORSE THAN ANYTHING YOU’VE DONE WHEN YOU WERE EVIL! I’M GLAD WE BEAT YOU, YOU BIG JERK! IF THAT’S YOUR IDEA OF REFORMED, I’D HATE TO SEE WHAT YOU WERE PLANNING WHEN YOU WERE EVIL!”

Discord backed up, eyes as wide as saucers. “I’m sorry! It was a joke!”

Pinkie Pie didn’t let up. “I’M GOING TO GET TWILIGHT AND TURN YOU TO STONE!” she screamed.

Discord scratched his head. “But she’s in Canterlot. And so is Rarity. And Applejack is in Appaloosa.”

“I’M GOING TO BLAST YOU WITH THE ELEMENTS IF I HAVE TO DO IT MYSELF!”

Discord raised his hands in surrender. “I’m sorry! Ponies weren’t so scared of blood a thousand years ago! There were even a few earth pony blood rituals to extract the magic inside of earth ponies!”

Pinkie Pie took a deep breath. “Discord. This is not a thousand years ago. This is today. Never do that again.”

Discord scratched his head. “Ok, never again. But… you said you grew up on a rock farm.”

Pinkie raised her eyebrows. “So?”

“A thousand years ago, rock farmers farmed rocks and did blood rituals to turn rocks into food because the pegasi made the weather too cold for crops. I thought you’d be alright with this because you saw blood rituals all the time!”

Pinkie ground her hoof into her head. “Well, we don’t! Look. Just try not to prank anyone while you’re getting used to the world not being all sad and mopey.”

Discord nodded slowly.

As Pinkie backed out of the long since emptied post office, she heard Discord call out after her. “Wait! What do you farm rocks for now?”

Ignoring him with a vengeance, Pinkie began galloping home as fast as she could, spurred by the need to scrub every inch of her body thoroughly. She didn’t care that Discord was as clueless about social norms as Luna was. Fluttershy would definitely hear about this.

But Discord's final question remained unanswered, even to Pinkie Pie. As she scrubbed herself in the bath, she stared furiously at nothing. 'Why were we farming rocks?'

Author's Note

Disclaimer: Smooze, Discord, and the Ponies are all property of Hasbro. No money is being made off of this. It's a fanfiction, after all. Also, any constructive criticism in the comments would be appreciated.