“Hiya Rainbow Dash!”
Ugh. Only one pony could find her no matter where she slept. She had really thought this particular clearing was all her own, but alas. Pinkie Pie.
“Pinkie, how do you always find me?”
The exuberant party pony just ignored the question. “Guess what, Dash!”
“Do I have to?”
“Awww, come on,” Pinkie pouted, “guess!”
“I don’t know, Pinkie, what?”
“Chloroform!”
Thud.
This was an unfamiliar place. It was dank, wet, and constricting. Rainbow tried to rise, but found that she was halted both by her own wooziness and by the tightly-secured shackles against her wings, neck and hind legs. All she could see beyond her own nose was darkness. And one very bright pony.
“Um, ha ha, nice prank, Pinkie, what’re you doing?”
“Oh, you’re up! Well, not up,” she laughed at the pegasus’ predicament, “but awake anyway. I’m making cupcakes!”
An inkling of fear began to creep into Rainbow’s voice now. “Err, Pinkie, I don’t think this is how you’re supposed to make cupcakes.”
“You make cupcakes your way,” the now-terrifying pink one rebuffed, “and I’ll make them my way.”
Meanwhile, in an impossibly-distant land called Manhattan (no, not Manehattan), I was hit by a bus. Whoops. I should probably have paid more attention to where I was going. Trust me though, my life on Earth was pretty well terrible, so it was all for the best.
By a stroke of luck, at that exact instant I happened to be thinking with portals, and so was teleported to Equestria. Specifically, to the very basement where Pinkie Pie was doing unspeakable things to Rainbow Dash. In no way was my presence a poorly-thought-out deus ex machina.
“Um, where am I?” was all I could manage in my confused daze.
“Oh, hello … giant … weird … talking hairless monkey?” Pinkie was obviously befuddled by this new species, becoming entirely distracted from her chore. Rainbow was unconscious by this point, and so not in much of a talking mood.
“You’re … a pony. You’re a pony!” My excitement began to mount as I realized just what had occurred, “Oh my gosh, you’re Pinkie Pie! I’m, like, your biggest fan!”
The confused but interested pink earth pony circled around me like a vulture, examining me to a degree which, quite frankly, was really awkward.
“So I’m a pony … and what are you?”
I looked down at myself. Not a pony. Shucks.
“I’m a human.”
“Hewwwwwww … man. Hew-man. And what’s your name, Hew-man?”
“Oh, I’m Clyde. Clyde Aveer.”
Her usual excitement now returned in full force, as she grabbed my right hand from my side and shook it with both hooves. “Welcome to Ponyville, Clyde Human, I’m–”
“Err,” I interrupted as she talked, though she was ignoring me, “that’s Clyde Aveer.”
“– Pinkie Pie, and I just love meeting new ponies. Or even new humans!” My words now caught up with her. “What do you mean? Your name has to be Clyde Human, everypo– everyone in Equestria is named after their species. I’m a pie!”
“Uhh … OK?”
Unexpectedly, a look of shock, perhaps even anger overtook her face. She was glaring directly at my T-shirt for a moment, but then ran away into the darkness. I heard her bounding up a flight of stairs as she hollered back at me, “Patent pending!”
I looked down once again. The words “PARTY CANNON” were emblazoned across my chest. What a weird pony.
“Psssst … human. Huuuuman!”
Rainbow Dash had partially awoken and clearly recognized me as her only chance of escape. She was probably trying not to alert the pink poisoning pony-purloiner, but as Pinkie was probably at the patent office by now, her hushed tones were unnecessary.
“Oh, hi Rainbow Dash. You OK?”
She examined herself as carefully as she could while still tied down. “Well, she cut off my wings, so no. Can you get me out of this?”
“Sure, just–” but I stopped on a sudden realization. “Wait, how did you know what I am?”
“Oh, I’ve met lots of humans. Usually when they show up we ship them off to the Cloudsdale weather factory and grind them into rainbows.”
“Wh– what?!”
“Tell you what,” she pleaded with me, “if you let me go, I’ll vouch for you.”
This seemed like a bad idea, but being ground into weather particles seemed like an even worse one. Luckily her shackles weren’t locked, so it was a relatively easy task to release them. “Thanks,” she whispered before sneaking quickly away.
I felt my way through the darkness and up a winding flight of stairs. They were slick, and probably made of exactly the kind of hard stone that would be quite unpleasant to break my skull over. Luckily though, I managed not to do that, and soon found myself in a much brighter room, surrounded by sweets of all description. Ah yes, I thought, Sugarcube Corner. I snuck out the front door before anypony noticed me, for I had another destination in mind.
My role, I had determined, was to get me some unicorn tail. Specifically, Rarity. I always had sort of a thing for magic. I could imagine myself holding her horn, rubbing it gently and maybe … even licking it, as the warm magical aura built up in it, until it released in …
Wait, what was I talking about?
“Heyyyyyyyy, Twilight,” Rainbow slurred, woozy from blood loss, “I was thinkin’ maybe you could lend me a book on first aid, or …” Her voice drifted off.
Twilight Sparkle hated to be pulled away from her dog-eared copy of Extremely Tedious Magical Incantations with No Practical Application, but was always willing to help a friend in need. She spun around with a bright smile, which immediately transformed into a horrified grimace.
“Rainbow Dash! What happened?!”
“What?” Rainbow paused for a moment, contemplating the rather simple question. “Oh! You mean this!” She tossed her head back, indicating to the blood trickling down her flanks. The action caused what little blood was left in her brain to slosh unpredictably within it, breaking her concentration. “Wait … what?”
The concerned bookworm grabbed her ex-pegasus companion by the cheeks, preventing any further distraction. She spoke slowly, deliberately. “What – happened?”
Rainbow blinked. Then grinned. “Pinkie Pie cut off my wings. I know, so random.”
Realizing that she obviously was not going to get through to her injured friend this way, Twilight used a tiny portion of her nearly-infinite magical power to knit together the ragged flesh, stopping the flow of blood and letting Rainbow regain some small measure of lucidity. They stared at each other for a moment, one out of concern and the other out of bewilderment.
“I … Twilight, my wings!”
“Rainbow! Good! Now explain–”
“This sucks, Twilight. My wings were my everything!”
“I know, Rainbow, and you have no other useful skills, but I really think we should focus on–”
The ex-pegasus’ mood was sinking fast, and the friendship-incompetent unicorn could do very little to keep it afloat. “Oh, what am I gonna do?!”
“Look, I’m sure you’ve got lots of other things to live for, lots of other dreams, but I really think we should call the–”
“No, nothing! All my dreams are about flying!”
Twilight relented, obviously unable to sway Rainbow to the more immediate issue. “Come on, Rainbow. Surely you have something left …”
Her rainbow mane bobbed back and forth as she thought for a minute. She wracked her mind for any desires that didn’t involve flying. She could only think of one, and blurted it out before realizing what it was. “All I’ve got left are my secret lesbian fantasies about Applej–” Whoops. Too late. “Urk! I mean, nothing! I have nothing left to live for!” She buried her head in her hooves, hiding the new crimson glow of her cheeks.
Twilight tilted her head, a befuddled look gracing her face. “Oh Rainbow Dash,” she chuckled, “we all have secret lesbian fantasies from time to time, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about!”
Dash lifted her head and looked up at her friend. The unicorn looked down with a motherly compassion that melted all the concern from her mind. She had forgotten how caring Twilight could be. “Wh– what?”
The magician scratched behind a lavender ear in consideration. “I mean, even just statistically speaking, in a town with a 97% female population, you either get with mares or get in line for Big Macintosh.”
“Or be like Rarity.”
Twilight shuddered at the though, echoing back, “Or … be like Rarity.”
“So … what should I do?”
With an intense and earnest expression, the unicorn grabbed the ex-pegasus by the jaw and declared, “Chase that dream, Rainbow! Chase that dream!”
“You know what, Twilight,” Dash exclaimed, now standing proudly, “you’re right!”
“And I think that you’ve just learned a valuable lesson about friendship!”
“I … wait, I have?”
Twilight frowned. “Fine,” she grumbled, “I’ll write it. Spike, take a letter!”
The little dragon appeared in a flash, with scroll in one claw and quill in the other.
“Dear Princess Celestia.” But a loud crash at the balcony cut her off before she had a chance to continue. Suddenly, a powerful form loomed before the group.
“Princess Celestia!” Rainbow and Spike bowed humbly, while Twilight, whose position earned her the rare right to eschew the otherwise mandatory bow, nuzzled her mentor lovingly.
“Twilight Sparkle, my faithful student,” the princess’ powerful but kind voice boomed above her subjects, “I thought you could tell me about this lesson in person.”
“Of course, princess!” The truly faithful student was always overjoyed by these rare opportunities to spend time with Celestia. “Today I learned–”
“No, not here, my little pony.” She gestured towards a door at the opposite end of the library.
Twilight’s excited expression immediately vanished, replaced with something unrecognizable. “You mean,” she spoke slowly, softly, “in that locking closet with no windows and good sound insulation?”
The god-queen and ruler of all of Equestria just nodded in response.
“Mommy? Rarity?” The terrified little filly was in a place she didn’t recognize, torn unexpectedly from her bed by a flash of white light.
Bustling bipedal forms pushed around her, none looking down to notice the misplaced creature, and certainly none stopping to help her. Soon she was in tears, unable to cope with what was going on. She repeatedly cried out her sister’s name, but nopony answered.
After what seemed like hours of wandering, I unexpectedly found myself in front of the Carousel Boutique. The streets in Ponyville didn’t seem to make any sense, they all wound in on themselves with no logical pattern.
I hadn’t guessed just how small the place would seem … in fact, everything was just a bit uncomfortably small by my human standards. The doors were all too short, the paths were too narrow. But the size wasn’t the biggest issue; ponies stopped and stared at me in frightened groups as I walked by. Being a stranger in a strange land definitely has its downsides.
But misplaced man or not, I was a man with a mission. I knocked on the boutique door, carefully considering how I would broach intimate subjects with Rarity. My careful consideration led to nothing conclusive, but I was sure that my years of imaginary experience would not misguide me.
A lovely voice echoed out at me. “Come in, we’re open!”
Oh right. It’s a business. I don’t have to knock. I ducked under the door frame to enter, a bell chiming lightly as the door closed behind me. The room I was now in was, thankfully, large enough for me to stand comfortably in. Strewn about all corners were a variety of dress displays, most studded with various gemstones. A stage and dressing screen stood in the center of the room. As I entered, Rarity stepped out from behind the screen, a selection of needles held in front of her by a blue glow.
“Welcome to the Carousel Bou– oooooh! What have we here?”
She trotted around me, examining me from head to toe. “I’m a human.”
“Human? I don’t think I’ve ever heard of humans.” She stared at me pensively for a moment before continuing. “Well, welcome to Ponyville, I’m Rarity and … no, no, these simply won’t do.”
Without warning, she began to tear my clothes off of me with her teeth.
“If you’re the only human in Ponyville,” she spoke through teeth clenched around a now-torn piece of a pant leg, “I can at least make you the most fabulous human in Ponyville!”
This was going to be almost too easy.
Bang! Another tree’s apples fell with an inexplicable precision into the baskets carefully distributed around it. Applejack trotted determinedly towards the next tree in the row, but was distracted by a sudden voice.
“Hey Applejack!”
“Howdy, Da–” she turned, seeing the state of her once-pegasus visitor. “Dash! What the hay? Are you alright?”
“Yeah, um, Pinkie cut off my wings. It was–”
“Why the hay are you talkin’ to me? Y’all should be in a hospital!”
“Well I was talking to Twilight, and she–”
“She didn’t blink you to a hospital?!”
“Wouldja stop it with the hospital stuff!”
“Ah … no?”
“Look, I’m here because I was hoping I could guilt you into a little, uh … ‘romp in the hay,’ if you know what I mean.”
Applejack’s concern vanished, replaced by consternation. “Aw, not you too, Rainbow! Y’know, six mares have already prop–”
Their conversation was interrupted by a plate lowered in from above, dangling precariously from strings. On the plate was a slice of pink cake, with pink frosting. It looked delicious, moist, and most of all, suspicious. Both ponies looked up, to find a pedal-based helicopter-like contraption hovering above the treeline, with an extremely conspicuous pink pony pedaling. She smiled down at Applejack, apparently not noticing that her former captive was also present.
“Pinkie, Ah ain’t gonna take yer darn roofie cake! Not last year, not yesterday, not today, not ever! Stop tryin’ already, find somepony else!”
Pinkie frowned but flew away nonetheless, the hanging cake trailing behind her.
“Y’know, seven mares have already prop– oh for Pete’s sake, Derpy, Ah can see ye y’know!”
Rainbow heard a rustling in the trees behind her, but couldn’t spot the disorganized pegasus that caused them. Her frustration now leaning towards anger, Applejack almost shouted what she’d been trying to say.
“Eight mares have already propositioned me just this mornin’, Rainbow. Why the hay are y’all always tryin’ to fool around with me, anyway?”
Rainbow replied in earnest confusion at what seemed like a patently obvious question. “You’re Applejack.”
The strong, toned farmpony sighed, unable to hold together her foul mood at the maimed rainbow mare who was, regardless, her friend.
“Look, Rainbow, ‘cuz it’s you and ‘cuz you … y’all realize you’re still covered in blood, right?”
Rainbow brushed off the question (ignoring her damp flanks) and pushed on. “Yeah, yeah, so what do you say?”
Applejack relented. “‘cuz it’s you and ‘cuz y’all’re maimed horribly and pretty much have nothing else to live for, Ah’ll give you a chance. If y’all can buck more apples in five minutes than me, then you can,” she sneered, “well, y’know.”
“A contest?” Rainbow thought, “Perfect.”
“Ready … set … go!”
Dash bucked with all her might, but not a single apple fell.
Chase that dream, Rainbow!
This was for honor! She tried once more. Still nothing.
Chase that dream!
This was for love! She pushed all her energy into her assault. No luck.
Chase that dream, Rainbow!
No, this wasn’t for honor or love. This was for sex!
Rainbow Dash won the competition handily.
“Ouh là là! Cela fera un délicieux hors-d'œuvre!”
Before Sweetie Belle even realized what was happening, she had been scooped into a burlap sack, and was being carried to places unknown. She cried out in fear and pain, but still, nopony answered.
I hadn’t managed to convince Rarity that human men don’t usually wear miniskirts. Still, I have to admit that the freedom this garment offered helped quite a bit with our proceeding activities. Although sapphires chafe more than I expected. Perhaps it didn’t really matter … no other human would see me like this.
“Can you … can you call me Daring Do?”
Applejack’s face contorted in disgust. “Ah … uch. Ah guess so … Darin’.”
Rainbow squealed in delight, before forcibly mounting her duty-bound courtesan. The pinned earth pony had no chance to argue before her lips were occupied with other functions.
“I’m so glad you could all make it to my party!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed as Rarity, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Rainbow Dash and I arrived at the designated clearing in Sweet Apple Acres. Fluttershy was already present, sprawled unconscious on a picnic blanket.
It was a beautiful day, and a beautiful location. The sky was clear, the smell of apples wafted from the surrounding trees, and the grass was still bright with morning dew. The picnic blanket was somehow held down by balloons, some trick of physics that surely only Pinkie Pie could ever understand, and several baskets were arranged atop it.
“I threw this party to welcome the newest, and only, human in Ponyville, Clyde Human!”
The assembled group clapped politely for me. I shifted uncomfortably, trying to find a position from which nothing improper was visible in the tight miniskirt that Rarity was still making me wear.
“But we’ve got some other things to celebrate too, like my wonderful courtship with Fluttershy!”
Hearing her name, Fluttershy awoke in a daze. “I … where am I? What happened? Why am I so,” blood rushed to her face and she clamped together her hind legs conspicuously, “so … warm.”
Pinkie Pie put a foreleg around the yellow pegasus’ neck, holding her in an uninvited embrace.
“Oh my,” Fluttershy mumbled in her usual soft tones, “Applejack warned me about taking unexpected cake from you. I didn’t realize you could be …” She considered her words carefully before continuing. “I didn’t realize you could be so much like Rarity.”
“Isn’t it great, Fluttershy, now you can be a pie too!”
“I don’t think I want to be a pie …”
Rainbow spoke up now, wishing to introduce her own news. “Speaking of Applejack–”
The earth pony in question cut her off, forcibly. “No.”
“Aw, come on, Applefire.”
She grimaced and shook at the nickname, but held firm. “No.”
This strange conversation was interrupted by a buzzing streak of colors that skidded to a halt just inches from our picnic. Scootaloo had her usual cheeky grin, but today also carried with her a small wooden box, labeled in a language I couldn’t decipher.
“Hi Twilight, hi Rain– Rainbow Dash! What happened?”
“I wish everypony would stop asking me that.”
Not wishing to anger her idol, the filly tried to shake off the nausea welling in her. She leaned from side to side on her scooter, pushing into the grass on either side as she did so. Once she regained her composure, she continued with her original reason for being there.
“Well, I’m collecting donations for the Ponyville orphanage. They say if I collect enough money, I could get to sleep on a mat instead of the sheet metal, and if we really collect a lot, we could have meals every Tuesday!”
Smiling confidently, Scootaloo held out her box and stared at Twilight Sparkle.
“Oh … oh, I’m sorry, Scootaloo, but I don’t have a real job. The princess doesn’t pay me.”
She moved on to Rarity.
“Come now, Scootaloo, you spend half of your nights trying to sleep over with Sweetie Belle anyway.”
Her smile was fading, but still present. She turned to Fluttershy, but as the timid pegasus was curled into the fetal position and shaking violently, it seemed unlikely that she would guilt any bits from her. So she turned to Pinkie Pie next.
“I don’t have any money, but here, have a cupcake!”
Pinkie opened one of the baskets she had brought with her, displaying a selection of cupcakes. They were arranged as a rainbow, with red, orange, yellow, green, blue and purple treats sorted in that order. One of the red ones and one of the purple ones were unique, however: They each had a blue, feathered wing poking out of them. The wings were actually quite a bit bigger than the cupcakes they were attached to, but that’s probably not unusual for something Pinkie Pie made.
Not wishing to be ungracious, but now entirely lacking any enthusiasm, Scootaloo took the winged purple cupcake and gnawed at it. The cupcake itself was quite good, but the wing seemed like an odd addition.
“Uhh, thanks. I guess I’ll just be going then.”
“Hold on now,” Applejack injected, “Ah’ll give you some bits, Sugarcube.” She took off her hat and rustled in it, depositing every coin she found into the box. “Ah’m sorry, ten bits is all Ah’ve got, but Ah hope y’all can do some good with it.”
“Thanks, Applejack!” Her smile had once again returned. “Bye!”
As Scootaloo scooted away, Applejack scolded her friends. “Ah can’t believe none o’ y’all helped. Why are y’all my friends, anyway.”
“Applejack,” Twilight replied in kind tones, ignoring the jeer, “we all love how wonderful and generous you are. I didn’t even know earth ponies understood money!”
Rarity laughed at this comment, then added, “Die Erde Ponys sind nur gut für körperliche Arbeit!”
“Hey,” Rainbow interrupted, “want to hear a funny story about Scootaloo?”
The whole group looked speculative, but only Applejack replied. “Ah really doubt it.”
Rainbow of course told her story undeterred. “She’s,” the ex-pegasus snickered, “she’s my daughter! I gave her up because I would be, like, the worst mom ever! She doesn’t even know it! Isn’t that great?”
“Ah … Ah think Ah hate you, Rainbow Dash.”
“Oh, you’re just a fuddy-duddy.”
Twilight couldn’t help but inquire. “I know I’m going to regret asking this, Rainbow Dash, but who’s the father?”
The cyan mare considered the question carefully for a while, before deciding how to answer. “Probably Rarity.”
Twilight’s shudder at this remark was almost a convulsion. Applejack looked physically ill. I was … confused. Maybe I’d not chosen my pony partner so wisely.
“Garçon? Garçon! Garçon, please give my compliments to the chef, this veal licorne is truly superb.”
