Losing Air

No.

This can’t be happening.

No.

Rainbow watched as Twilight fell as if in slow motion. The unicorn became smaller and smaller and soon the rain was too thick to see her any more.

Rainbow jumped up and ran as fast as she could. She tore to the path down the side of the gorge, racing down it as fast as her legs would take her, her heart thumping in her throat. She forced herself to slow when she almost slipped, catching herself at the last moment, and concentrating on the path with everything she had left.

By the time she reached the bottom of the gorge an hour had passed, and she was standing in six inches of water. She rushed to where she could see the overreaching cliff above her and looked around. She could not see Twilight at all.

Tears came to her again as she - no, wait, there. She could see the unicorn laying face up in the water. Rainbow rushed over and grabbed her. She shook Twilight and screamed her name but the unicorn didn’t move. The water was starting to flow so she looked around for some cover. She spotted a small alcove in the wall of the cliff that was a few feet off the ground and, throwing Twilight over her back, sped off to it. She climbed up and lay Twilight on the ground.

“Twilight!” she screamed.

Twilight didn’t move.

Rainbow leaned her ear down to the mares mouth but couldn’t make out any sound over the rain. She watched Twilight’s chest but it was not rising so, taking the unicorns mouth in her own, she started pumping air into her lungs. She paused to press on Twilight’s chest, alternating between both, trying to get the mare to breathe again.

She didn’t know how much time passed but she stopped once she collapsed from exhaustion. She lay on the ground staring in shock at the still form of Twilight in front of her. Tears came to her eyes as she crawled forward and wrapped her forehooves around the mare.

“I’m sorry, Twilight, this is all my fault,” she said. She looked out at the rain which was only coming down harder now. The bottom of the cliff had turned into a roiling mass of water that was too treacherous to attempt to wade through. She curled back up against Twilight.

She didn’t remember falling asleep.

As she woke to daylight the horror of the night before hit her in full. She had killed Twilight. She looked over to the prone mare who had grown cold in the night. She felt all feeling slowly leave her body as she grew numb. She had no idea what to do.

After standing she noticed the rain had stopped, and the water in the bottom of the gorge had drained, leaving only shallow pools. She lifted Twilight onto her back and started the walk back up the gorge.

The return trip took hours and was leaving her exhausted, but Rainbow refused to stop. She needed to get Twilight back to Ponyville. After reaching the top she walked into town and straight to the hospital. The pegasus knew there was nothing they could do, but didn’t know where else to go. Once she stepped through the doors the doctors rushed over but a yell from Rainbow forced them to stop.

A nurse brought out a gurney and Rainbow laid her marefriend on the cold slab. The doctors had Rainbow take a seat as they took the body away. They questioned her and she told them what happened.

This is when Rainbow started to lose time.

She remembered the police ponies coming in to ask her questions. She remembered her friends coming and talking with her. She remembered seeing Celestia walk into the hospital and she probably talked with Rainbow too.

Rainbow couldn’t remember the details.

She knew all those things had happened, but she couldn’t tell you what she said to any of those ponies. She had sat for what felt like hours feeling nothing. The atmosphere around her because unbearable and she excused herself to the bathroom.

As she splashed water onto her face she looked around the room. All of a sudden she saw Twilight laying on the floor with a group of ponies around her kicking. She saw Twilight rush in behind her and cast a spell cleaning the cuts on the pegasus’ forelegs. She saw Twilight helping her clear the apples with Applejack. She saw Twilight smiling at her in a beautiful dress across the table in a restaurant.

She saw Twilight confessing her love.

This was all her fault.

Everything Twilight had done had been for her. Even at her lowest, Twilight had been there, every step of the way. Twilight had trusted her and she had thrown that trust in the unicorn’s face.

She collapsed on the floor.

Rainbow had rejected every pony because she didn’t deserve them. She knew she was worthless. She knew she should just end it all. But Twilight had seen otherwise. It was Twilight who had shown her what friendship could be. It was Twilight who had given up everything to be there for her.

It was Twilight that had shown her true love.

As Rainbow Dash sat on the floor she felt in more danger than she had standing on the edge of that cliff. She could feel the darkness, feel the anger and pain, and she wanted to let it in. She wanted to wallow in it, to give herself up, to let go.

But she didn’t.

Because Twilight wouldn’t have wanted her to.

It had taken the pegasus too long to see it, but she saw it now. Twilight had been right all along. No matter what happened to Rainbow Dash, she was still Rainbow Dash, a fighter.

She was strong.

She was loyalty.

The tears came then, but they were not of despair. They were off missed chances and choices that could not be unmade. Tears of regret. She took a breath and stood to stare at her reflection in the mirror. She missed Twilight - she always would - but she would not give in to her pain again. She would fight it with everything she had. She would fight to make it right.

She would fight to be the mare Twilight had seen in her.

Fluttershy came in to check on the pegasus and hesitated at the look on Rainbow’s face. The timid pegasus had expected pain, but instead found only determination. Rainbow turned and wrapped her arms around the yellow mare. Fluttershy started crying and Rainbow comforted her. After a few minutes the two broke apart and walked out of the bathroom together.

Rainbow knew it wouldn’t be easy, but she knew she would try.

For Twilight.

Rainbow stood at the edge of the cemetery as the funeral took place. She could make out the ponies in the distance as they crowded around the newly dug grave. Half the town had come out for the event. She could make out the princesses as they stood side by side at the front of the crowd. After what felt like a millennia the crowd started to disperse.

She waited until everyone was gone and she made her way over to the grave. When she arrived she started shaking. A pain took hold of her and it was all she could do not to fall to the ground. The gravestone read:

Here lies Twilight Sparkle.
May her love of friendship forever be our guiding light.

Rainbow couldn’t stop the tears from pouring out of her face. She had thought she had cried dry, but she was wrong.

“Hi, Twi,” she said, whispering. “I hope you don’t mind I missed the funeral.” She took another step forward so she could see the casket in the still open grave.

“I know you wouldn’t blame me, I know I shouldn’t blame myself, but I do. You gave everything for me. You made me want to be a better mare. For that, I thank you.” Rainbow stopped to wipe the tears from her face. “Everybody expects me to break, but funnily enough I actually feel strong. You made me strong, Twi, I’m just sorry it took me so long to realize it.”

She walked forward some more and pulled the flowers out of the bad around her neck. She passed the hole and lay them on the ground in front of the grave stone.

“I’m going to miss you, Twi, I love you.”

Rainbow turned from the grave and started to leave the cemetery. She had only made it a few paces when she heard the soft flutter of wings behind her.

“Hey, Fluttershy,” she said without turning.

“Hi, Rainbow,” the yellow pegasus said. “We missed you today.”

Rainbow shrugged. “I figured I would be the last person anypony would want to see there. Especially her parents. And the princesses.” She heard Fluttershy move forward and felt a wing wrap around her.

“Nopony blames you, Rainbow. We know it was an accident,” Fluttershy said.

“Yeah,” Rainbow said, “I know. It doesn’t matter though.” Rainbow turned to face Fluttershy. “I’m leaving,” she said.

Fluttershy’s eyes widened. “Rainbow, you can’t! You need to be around people who care about you right now. You can’t run away.”

Rainbow smiled a sad smile at her friend. “It’s not about that. It’s about me. I need to find out who I am. Twilight was trying to show me, but I was too stubborn to look. I need to go out there, into the world, and find where I belong.”

She turned to look at the grave again. Fluttershy joined her.

“Don't worry, Fluttershy, I won’t be gone forever. Just until I work out what my purpose is. I can’t stay here for that. Too many memories.”

The yellow pegasus started crying. Rainbow extended her wing and draped it around her friend.

“It feels like we’re losing two friends,” Fluttershy said. “I know that isn’t how it is, but it feels that way.”

“I know, Fluttershy, and I’m sorry.”

“No, Rainbow, it’s okay. You just make sure you are okay. Be okay then come back. Okay?”

Rainbow smiled at her friend. “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”

The two friends hugged before Rainbow turned and began walking away.

“What do I say to the others?” Fluttershy asked.

“Tell them…” Rainbow said, pausing to look back at the mare. “Tell them I’m tired of losing air, and I want to find it again.”

Fluttershy nodded at her friend and watched as Rainbow walked out of the graveyard and out of their lives.

“Come back soon, Dash,” she said.