March 7th, 1003 A.B.

Tonight I can add another criminal activity to my growing repertoire. With homicide, obstruction of justice, and now breaking and entering on my resume, I’m becoming quite the criminal aficionado… I almost made myself laugh with that one, and Faust knows that I need a laugh to distract my mind from what I’ve learned tonight. Just this past hour, I have returned from a clandestine visit to Rainbow Dash’s house, bringing with me information I never would have believed had I not seen it with my own eyes. I feared that Dash was afraid of me, or even worse, knew what I had done to Trixie, but instead, what I have learned has me both flummoxed and worried: Rainbow Dash has a crush on me.

Such a statement is as strange to write down as it was to read in Dash’s diary back at her house, but I can’t deny that what I read was in Dash’s own hoofwriting. Though I wasn’t able to find any evidence that Dash knew anything of that night in the park, and am certainly relieved for that, this unexpected discovery opens up an entirely new avenue of potholes and cracks which I have to traverse…

*****

The girls and I had just bid Rainbow Dash farewell and were watching her fly off to Cloudsdale for a week-long training camp at the Wonderbolts Academy. Or rather, they bid her goodbye as I stood resigned to the background after she shied away from me when I tried to wish her good luck. Once she had left, the rest of us gave our own farewells and departed. Once I got back to the library, I immediately began planning for tonight, when I would break into and search Dash’s unoccupied house. This was an opportunity I had been waiting for for a while now, and I planned to capitalize on it as soon as possible. For all I knew, Dash would be kicked out of the Academy tonight (knowing her strong-headed tendency to argue, or her fangirl-like obsession of the Wonderbolts) and would be back in her home by tomorrow morning.

With this in mind, I made my preparations for tonight’s excursion and spent the rest of the day fidgeting around the library in nervous anticipation for the sunset. The grasping and worming tentacles of the Itch along my spine were of no help to my patience, but the Itch seems to be gradually rising in pressure, unlike the sharp increases from several previous experiences. It’s a mounting horror, but one that I still have time to combat. I have, in fact, already taken steps to further my campaign against the Itch - but more on that later. Thankfully, Princess Luna was faithful in her duties and night did fall, allowing me to enact my plan.

Once I had tucked Spike into bed for the evening, I made my way downstairs, locked the door, and entered the night. Though my heart was racing, I maintained a calm demeanor and slow pace, so that on the off-chance that I encountered anypony, it would seem as though I was merely taking a leisurely night stroll. Even though I never did encounter anypony on my route through Ponyville, my heart felt like it was about to explode when Dash’s house finally came into view, hovering above one of the orchards of Sweet Apple Acres. Arriving at the wooden fence that established the border of Applejack’s farm, I looked around for spying eyes, and finding none, hopped the fence.

When I was in the shadow of Rainbow Dash’s house, I cast a cloud-walking spell and then teleported myself up onto her front porch. She had left the door unlocked (after all, how would anypony from a town predominantly populated by earth ponies get up there anyway?), and I was left with free reign inside her home. Time was not on my side, so I immediately began my search, being careful to return everything to where I had originally found it. At first, it seemed as though I would find nothing of interest (aside from a few disturbing pieces of Wonderbolt fanfiction), but that soon changed when I opened up the top drawer of her nightstand and found her diary.

Normally, I wouldn’t go through one of my friend’s most private possessions, but the circumstances I am under are hardly normal. Silently asking for Dash’s forgiveness, I cracked open the diary to the latest page and began reading.

In surprisingly neat hoofwriting, it read:

Dear diary,

Things are finally looking up! Tomorrow I’ll be at the Wonderbolt Cadet Academy and’ll be one step closer to becoming a Wonderbolt!

I still can’t approach Twilight though… maybe I’ll build up enough courage to do it when I come back.

‘So she is afraid of me.’ I thought morosely as I turned the page back to the next entry. It was even shorter than the first one:

Dear diary,

I got in!

I couldn’t help but smile when I read those three words, packed so full of excitement. Dash was so happy that day. She told anypony she could about the news until the whole town was aware. Well, except for me. I only found out later from one of the library’s usuals the reason for her excitement.

I skimmed past the next few entries, all consisting of similarly short entries, such as “good weather” or “nice nap.” Occasionally there would be an entry where she would flesh out a stunt of her design (along with a detailed description and a respectable number of graphs), but aside from the first entry I read, I found nothing related to me.That is, until I found an entry dated February 2nd, the day following the night I mur ended Trixie. It read:

Dear diary,

I’m still too scared to confront Twilight. I don’t know what to do. Should I go to Rarity for help?

‘Rarity!’ I thought, my heart beginning to race. If she knew anything too, I wouldn’t know what to do. I could find a way to keep Dash alone quiet - it shouldn’t be the hardest thing to do since she bears the Element of Loyalty - but with Rarity alongside her, they could conceivably work together to bring me in, even if they are my friends. But why hadn’t they done so by now?

With my heart beating in my ears, I turned to the next page to see what she had seen the night before and found a long entry detailing the events of Trixie’s return to Ponyville, but nothing of what happened between her and I that night in the park. Had she not seen what I did to Trixie? If not, then why is she so afraid of me!? What could be the reason for it? Grinding my teeth, I tried recalling all of our interactions for the past month to think of an event where I could have frightened her so terribly. Sugarcube Corner’s tenth anniversary? Unlikely, she was too busy handling the sudden storm for that to be possible. After I had been exiled from Ponyville by Trixie, and had scared all of them outside the glass? Possible, but I had managed to patch things up with the rest of the girls, so why not her?

Try as I might, I couldn’t think of a likely instance where I might’ve frightened Rainbow Dash enough to make her permanently terrified of me. Then, as I stood in her half-lit room wracking my brain, the memory of a heated argument we had came to me. It was mid January when I was still having the daydreams and Dash had entered the library during business hours. I don’t remember much of our conversation other than that we got into an argument. And then the Itch began, and when I tried to shut myself off in the basement she followed me down. Then I had another daydream where I… ended Dash… What date was that?

The 24th.

I flipped to the corresponding diary entry and found two entries for that day. The first one read:

Dear diary,

Today is the day! I’m tired of sitting around twiddling my hooves! After work I’m going to march right up to Twilight and ask her out! Rarity’s right! I’m the coolest pegasus in Equestria and she’s the coolest unicorn in Equestria, so how could it go wrong?

I furrowed my brow, completely befuddled by what was written. ‘Ask me out? If I remember correctly, she did mention something about hanging out at the Sideways Cleft, but why is that so important she’d write it down so excitedly?’ Still confused, I looked down at the second entry and immediately noticed a marked difference in Dash’s tone of writing.

Dear diary,

How did all go wrong? I’ve been planning this for weeks now, and I bucked up so royally I should be called the princess of bucking up! I thought I’d get her to the bar first and get her to, y’know, relax. She’s been cooped up in the library for who knows how long, so she must be stressing out on something. Spike says Twilight hasn’t told him anything, so I bet it has something to do with those hallucinations she told the girls and I about.

So here I am, walking into the library - well, I didn’t exactly walk in, I crashed into it like usual - thinking that she’d like the chance to destress, yeah? But she just acts like I’m a pest! So then I try complimenting her so she’d warm up to me but she thinks I’m trying to prank her!

At that point, I lost my cool and kind of blew up in her face… Buck, I called Twilight fat! That’s one MAJOR thing you don’t do when you’re trying to ask a mare out!

‘Wait, what?’

I’ve probably permanently screwed up any chance I had at dating Twilight, and it’s all because I couldn’t control my temper!

After that, things happened too fast for even me to handle. Right in the middle of our fight Twilight got really weird and tried to run into her lab and I chased her and sent us down the stairs. I ended up twisting my wing, and even worse, I think I made Twilight have a panic attack. She told us about them last week, but Applejack told me later that she had a “funny feelin’” while listening to Twilight and Shy explain the attacks, so I was never too sure about the truthfulness of what we were told, but when Twilight had one right in front of me, how could I have ever doubted her? After landing at the bottom of the stairs she crawled into the corner of her lab, as if she was trying to escape me. My heart felt like breaking then, as I looked at her shivering in the corner, scared of me.

I did that to her. In that moment, everytime I pranked her or messed with her played in my head and I realized, how could she ever love me? She’s an amazing, intelligent, funny, kind, friendly, wonderful, and beautiful mare and I’m just a insensitive, clumsy, noisy jerk. The two of us a couple? What a joke. She probably hates being around me.

And I only made things worse when I tried to snap Twilight out of her panic attack. I had tried shouting and poking her, but nothing would work, so I looked around the lab for some water I could splash in her face. I thought I had found some in a glass cup so I splashed her with it. Thankfully it did make her wake up, but it turned out the cup had bleach in it. Twilight spent a few minutes under a weird shower washing the bleach out of her face before turning to me, and I knew immediately that she really did hate me. The look in her eyes told me she despised me and that I was nothing more than a bother to her. I tried to apologize but she didn’t even want me in the library. She told me to get out and when I tried to apologize again she started screaming at me and kept getting angrier and angrier at me. Even though I’m definitely stronger than her, I don’t think I would’ve been able to make myself stop her if she had tried to hurt me. I deserved it. Instead I ran up the stairs before she could do anything and escaped the library. I don’t know how long I galloped blindly, but when I finally stopped to catch my breath I was beyond Ponyville limits. As I walked back my legs were numb and my head filled with her eyes. Her beautiful, hateful eyes…

Even now, back in my room, I still can’t take my mind off of her eyes. Ever since I first met her, the intelligence and beauty in those eyes shined out to me. And recently, now that I’ve realized my feelings for Twilight, I’ve wanted love to shine out from those eyes too. Faust damnit, why can’t I do anything right? I just want her to feel the same way for me as I feel for her! But I just had to go buck it up and now she hates me and probably never wants to see me again. Stupid, clumsy, idiot!

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to build up the confidence to go see her again, but what’s the point honestly? It’s not like she’d ever like somepony like me anyway…

The page is covered in tear stains… Oh Rainbow, what have I done to you? How blind have I been to the feelings of those around me? I feel like I haven’t learned a thing since I left Canterlot, and have been only deluding myself with these “friendship lessons.” I never knew you felt that way, never knew how much I had hurt you. No wonder Rarity had come to me a few days after our fight, you’ve been going to her for help for who knows how long.

I always liked to think that I was there for my friends, but those few short paragraphs made me realize then and there that I was merely fantasizing. Sure, I’ll be there whenever this week's national threat rears its head, but for the personal lives and inner feelings of those around me, I’ve been largely ignorant of for the past month. And tonight I’ve hardly done anything to make up for it to Rainbow Dash. After placing the diary back into the nightstand, I teleported myself back onto the ground, and cast a spell to remove my theurgic signature from her house, and watched the clouds that formed Dash’s home crumble and disperse, leaving all of her belongings to fall to the ground. Escaping from underneath the falling furniture, I saw the distant lights of the Apple’s farm house turn on, and knew that my departure was overdue.

*****

As I have discovered with Rainbow Dash’s house and tested with a cloud sample in my laboratory, the theurgic trace-removal spell also nullifies the magical signature that pegasi possess. And since this signature is what allows pegasi to manipulate clouds, it causes molded cloud structures to dissipate and return to water vapour. While it is an interesting side effect, I wish its discovery could have come about in a more controlled setting, and not through the destruction of Dash’s house.

Speaking of Dash, that poor mare… How much have I made her cry over the past few weeks? If only I had payed more attention to my friends, this might’ve not happened, I might’ve not broken the heart of one of my closest friends. And the way she described me in her diary… is that how she really saw me? Perhaps Dash still does, if she’s still afraid to even confront me. I need to talk to Rarity. Dash has obviously been going to her for help for who knows how long, so Rarity’s my best chance for patching up our relationship!

All of what has transpired tonight has left me thinking about my own desires of romance. I have forgotten all about my dreams of love ever since the Itch arrived, but what I read in Dash’s diary has reminded me of my own hopes. Unlike what most ponies think, I’m not married to my books. I’ve always dreamed of finding a stallion once all of this Element of Harmony business settles down and having a family, growing old and getting to watch my children have children of their own, but this just seems like a distant fantasy now. What I’ve done… would bringing life into this world repay the one I took out? Do I even deserve a happy life now? Perhaps Dash is right to stay away from me; I don’t deserve to be surrounded by ponies who care about me, who are unaware of the monster hidden by the skin of their friend. Perhaps I should leave Ponyville so I don’t hurt them anymore than I already have.

I don’t know what to do honestly, I just don’t know.

Author's Note

So, I'm planning on changing this fic into a romantic drama...