“So, Lu-/-na,” The white princess said, her speech rendered choppy by the constant flow of brass cylinders falling from her mouth, “How/was/your/-hurk-/day?”

“Fairly standard, my dear sister,” The dark blue sibling answered in a slowly rising volume. “I am glad to see that WE HAVE MADE IT JUST IN THE NAAAAAAAH!”

Her sentence was cut short by the scream she let out in conjunction with a rather large beam of green light, followed by a long object extending from her mouth. “URGGGH,” She gagged slightly as the cooling rod spewed a cloud of superheated plasma into the hazy air, bathing the immediate area in a bright blue electric glow. After returning to a more acceptable temperature, the oblong device retracted down her throat with a hiss of steam, allowing her to speak again.

“…Just in the nick of time, it seems.”

“Yes, ab-/-out/that, where/and/how/did/you/f-find/this/man?”

“Well, your student had carefully documented a few theories on the exact mechanics of how ouR FRIEND ROD HAAAAAAAAGnnnnNNHHH! Blaarrgh!”

Another cloud of plasma interrupted her once again. A distant yet very powerful explosion shook the earth while the alicorn gagged on the cooling rod hissing from out of her mouth.

“…How Rod Lightning had come to Equestria. I simply followed them to their logical conclusion in order to enter the human world and seek help.”

“Oh, very/cle-/-ver, Lu-/-na!”

For a moment, the air was filled with nothing but the princesses’ silence, as well as the earth-shaking cacophony emanating from below their waists.

“Say, Tia, should it not be awkward to have sex in each other’s presence?”

The princess of the sun rolled her eyes back, both from reflecting on the question and as a side effect of a particularly dense stream of spent ammunition exiting her mouth and causing her to gag from the sudden overflow. She managed to answer once it passed, while her sister was muted by the aftermath of another one of her vaginal bursts.

“I –hurk- guess/so, but/I/can’t/bring/-ptuh-/my-/-self/to/care! This/hu-/-man/is/good, real-/-ly good!”

“Yes, mine is exceptional as well, I must say!”

“Why/then/would/it/be/awk-/-ward/to en-/-joy/our-/-selves? They/sure/look/like-they’re/hav-/-ing/fun!

“That airship’s getting awfully close, Dick!”

“I got it, kid! Just focus on those berserkers climbing the road!”

We were both pumping our hips furiously, bringing death and destruction to hundreds of beings who would gladly do the same to us if we didn’t beat them to it. I used the whirring sun princess to decimate their minotaur infantry with the thousands of bullets she ejected from her anus every second, while Dick Thunder blasted both griffon air force ships and zebran tanks alike with the night princess’ slow-charging-but-incredibly-deadly pussy lasers. Lead, blood, steel, ash and smoke flew everywhere in varying quantities all over the battlefield.

Thankfully, most of it was on the enemy’s side.

The raging minotaurs trying to rush up the slopes were easily taken care of; they brought nothing but huge battleaxes to the fight, trading the encumbrance of armor for speed and ease of attack. Too bad for them that my weapon-princess’ bullets still reached them way faster than they could reach us. They tumbled down the slopes almost as fast as they climbed them.

I stood on the edge of the cliff-like ramparts, directing the flow of death downwards at the invading forces. They couldn’t reach us directly, with the mountain’s slope turning into a straight fifty-foot drop just below my feet, but they could still climb the footpath leading into the city. From there they’d have to fight their way through the remaining equestrian troops defending the many gates between them and the castle. I planned to not even give them the chance.

Princess Celestia kept us steady with occasional flaps of her rigid wings, helping me maintain my balance on the edge of the cliff. Her soft, warm and moist flesh rumbled violently around my shaft, buzzing and throbbing at the same time. It was like some kind of inverted vibrator, and the feeling of that coupled with her weight and the time I’d been holding her were starting to make my knees weak. I didn’t know how much longer I could keep this up.

Thankfully, the battle seemed to be going in our favor.

But then the knights came. And no, not that way. Not yet anyway.

The minotaur berserkers were only the frontline cannon fodder, apparently, because just behind them followed the real guys: huge, bulky, armor-clad mountains of steel and muscle, each carrying a relatively giant sword and a definitely humongous shield. They looked certainly less abundant, but it wasn’t all that encouraging: turns out that despite being shit against modern weapons (or their magical living goddess equivalents); medieval armor still robs gunfire of a lot of its punch, allowing the knight-like warriors to take quite a beating before going down. It took a second or so of concentrated fire to kill each of them, meaning I couldn’t just spray the battlefield like a kid on a sugar rush who just found the garden hose.

And then it got from bad to worse. What was left of the griffon air infantry saw I was kinda busy, and instead of being polite about it they just rushed me. Now I had to split my attention between them and the minotaurs, which meant that just about too many of either gang went through. A little battalion of pegasus-uses was our last defense, and after I decided to just blast the last griffons first to finally get rid of them, our soldiers managed to clear the skies completely.

Which meant that in the meantime, the minotaurs had gotten all the way into the city. I could hear the cries and the sounds of battle while I did my best to stop them from getting any more reinforcements; there were still a bunch of dudes racing to climb the road.

Celestia was moaning, sometimes sounding like she was trying to speak. I couldn’t understand a thing. Her whole body was hot against my skin, her forelegs wrapped around my neck almost burning me. It felt like a big old sunburn all over my shoulders, and I wondered if she was starting to overheat or something. Was that even… possible? Our combined sweat ran down everywhere, and I could smell her everything like I hadn’t ever been able to before. It was a pretty nice musky scent, and it was only ‘almost’ ruined by the gunpowder smoke she was excreting constantly in a sizeable cloud around us.

And then the knights broke through to the rampart we were standing on. I saw them from the corner of my eye, and only turned in time to watch one of them doing some kind of jump attack on Dick while he was distracted blasting some more tanks below.

Now, I wouldn’t exactly bet that he was a goner at that point because, well, there’s a reason I can only aspire to be half as good as him; in short, the guy’s a true master of porn-fu. While normally not a very damaging art, I’ve seen the man defy physics with it. I’d even go so far as to say I wouldn’t be surprised to see him literally break people in half with his cock.

That said, I still felt it was necessary to at least warn him. I might have been wrong, as he seemed to feel the incoming attack even before my shout reached him.

In a stunning display of badassery, he spun around to dodge the blow, swinging Princess Luna’s hooves in his attacker’s face. They connected with a resounding clunk, sending the minotaur stumbling away. The knight only recovered in time to get pummeled once more by the alicorn’s wildly flailed appendages. Yep, the traditional proxy-fighting techniques were fully in play. Still comfortably embedded in her, Dick spun and threw her limbs around in the most efficient ways to bring as much pain to his foes as pleasure to his partner. His style and stances were true wonders to behold, even before counting the entirely new ways to destroy his enemies that the horse-shaped weapon-princess in his arms allowed him to improvise. I saw him sear a warrior’s face off with the cooling rod extending from the princess, just after firing her pussy laser straight through a charging line of foes.

He was so damn efficient none of them even came close to me, leaving me to just keep pelting the battlefield below while sharing my attention between the two points of action. Our side of the fight actually cooled down enough that Celestia managed to shout through the diminished stream of casings she spat.

“Woo! Go Luna! KILL THEM ALL!”

Okay, what the fuck. Wasn’t she supposed to be a kind and gentle ruler? I guess all bets are off when you’ve just shat about a billion bullets.

Seems I wasn’t the only one surprised by the sun princess’ choice of words, as even Dick was distracted for a second to shoot her a puzzled look. One second was too much though. A laughably small minotaur ran up to him with the speed and agility only midgets seem to have in video games and managed to slice at his ankle with a sword that looked suspiciously like a kitchen knife. Oh yeah, the greatest drawback of fuck-fighting: total exposure.

Dick fell to the ground, the reflexive kick from his wounded leg sending the mini-otaur flying all the way above my head and down the sheer cliff at my feet with an appropriately high-pitched squeal. Yes he was that small.

One who wasn’t so small was the huge douchebag I could now see just beyond Dick and Luna’s sexcapade of flailing and falling limbs, about to slash downward with his sword. An actual sword this time, all huge and pointy and stuff.

I immediately swung my gunprincess around and thrust into her deeper than ever before, my rage-boner of anger and indignation doing wonders for her rate of fire. All sound lost meaning, lost in the deafening BrRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRaaaaaaAAAA of the nearly-solid flow of bullets shooting out of Celestia’s butt. I saw the minotaur get launched backwards into the line of his comrades and knocking them down in turn. I kept shooting above Dick’s prone form, slowly but surely pushing back the horde through the gateway they’d used to get to us. Just as soon as there were none of them left alive on our side of the passage, another giant laser took down a nearby tower, collapsing it on the breach. Luna had basically rubbed herself on Dick’s still-erect dick to produce one more shot.

With the last immediate threat gone, I let go of Celestia for the first time since this all began, to rush to my idol’s aid.

“No!” he yelled, an arm outstretched to stop me. Even though she was completely gagged by the steaming pole in her mouth, I could tell Luna would have also said the same if she weren’t completely silenced.

“But you need hel-“

“We can take care of him, Rod!” Luna interrupted me as soon as she could speak. “Do not waste your focus!”

“But I can’t do this alone! There’s still too many of them, I can’t keep up!” I looked back at the valley, just below the ruined walls. There were still thousands of them.

Dick leaned back, resting his head on the stone floor and staring at the sky.

“Then you’re going to have to do It.”

I took a step back, shaking my head. “No, I can’t.”

“Of course you can! I don’t think we’ll make it if you don’t!”

He couldn’t be serious, could he?

“But I’ve never done It before! I never managed to get It right!”

He laughed earnestly, finally turning his head to face me.

“That’s because you’ve never tried It here! You’ve been here for a while, right? Can’t you feel it? Earth is basically dead compared to Equestria; that’s why only true masters of porn-fu like me can even come close to gathering enough ki for It without killing themselves!”

He smiled, and with an expert flick of his tongue, drew his own sunglasses from his mustache and threw them right on his face in a single, fluid movement.

“Don’t you feel it, kid? This world is so full of magic, even beginners could do it! And I know you, kid. You’re no beginner. Do you trust me, Rod? ‘Cause I sure as hell trust you! You’re the only one who can do It now! I’m counting on you!”

“Excuse me, but what exactly is this ‘It’ you speak of?” Luna asked, confusion evident on her face. I turned to her, the fire of Dick’s faith in me burning at my guts and loins apparently obvious enough on my own face to make her recoil in awe.

“It? It is the Tsdgafdbdb! The Triple-Slam-Dunking Galactic Atom-Fucking Dam-Bursting Dame-Buster! The ultimate move in sex-fighting! I’ve only seen it done right once, and it was the most awesome and erotic thing I ever saw! It’s so amazing that writing down how it works makes even the paper wet itself!”

Before she could respond, I turned back towards Celestia, who was still half-sitting on the ground, catching her breath now that she wasn’t being choked by brass.

She looked up as I got closer, simply muttering and repeating a flat “yes” while I grabbed her shoulders to lift her back up onto me. Her eyes were glazed, vacant, and her limbs just obeyed my prompts limply. Her mane clung to her body, wet from sweat and a few droplets of blood.

The griffon air force was entirely decimated, its last two airships already retreating while the minotaur hordes and the zebras’ armored division kept slowly filing up the slope to the city. This was it. The very last of the last stands. It was all on me. Well, on me and the sun princess, as I was reminded by the loving lick she gave my neck.

I didn’t know what to expect, what effect the Tsdgafdbdb would have on her and her unique ability, or how it would really matter against so many enemies, but I was ready for anything.

I reviewed the moves in my head, remembering that one time Dick had flooded the streets of Las Vegas with it. I visualized the motions and timing, the key movements and poses, and took a deep breath, possibly my last. And then I went for it.

Right foot first, then left arm, then the first twist, and it began.

I can’t really describe it in words; some parts of it feel like insults to the laws of physics, others would drive lesser men to madness, and the whole thing is so complex and full of subtle but absolutely crucial details that explaining it properly would take more pages than there are languages on Earth.

When the flock of weeping doves was summoned, I knew I was on the right track.

When the chorus of disembodied voices chanting seductively revolting insults in Pig Latin started echoing across the valley, I felt I could actually do it.

But when, in the middle of the third backflip, the freaking V-formation of flying, fireworks-cumming dolphins crested over the mountaintop to pass over us; and that at that moment I realized I had surpassed all my previous attempts, I finally understood that I would do it this time. I would succeed where I had failed about five times before. This was shaping to be the greatest accomplishment of my life.

We landed with stone-cracking force, the mystical sexy energies protecting my body from the harm that this kind of strain would normally inflict. Celestia just screamed as a golden shockwave of pure orgasm shot out all around us and brought everyone in range to an instant climax. Some strange ball of shining energy shot out of Celestia’s ass, gradually slowing down until it hovered above the battlefield like a small sun.

As the sun princess kept screaming through the massive geyser of bullet casings shooting out of her mouth with enough force to damage the walls, the ball of glowing energy seemed to curve and twist the trajectory of the thousands of projectiles erupting from her rear. Soon it looked like a buzzing cloud of lead spinning around it, whistling like some kind of tornado made of flutes. The cloud kept getting bigger and bigger, until even its brilliant center was entirely covered by the sheer mass of bullets around it. The flying dolphins were sucked into the vortex and shredded to a red mist.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see an impressively large, rainbow-strobe column of light shooting off into the sky, the colossal discharge blowing the clouds away in a circular aerial crater. I noticed it was almost nighttime. The beam of light was coming from Luna’s pussy, all six of her limbs twitching rigidly behind her as her entire body was arched in orgasm. Two cooling rods alternated back and forth in her throat, pumping out blinding amounts of plasma in the air as they struggled to keep up with the night princess’ output.

About fifteen seconds after she began, the princess in my arms stopped screaming, just before I heard a hollow ‘Fthump’ from her ass. I caught a glimpse of a baseball-sized projectile shooting off towards the massive roiling sphere of bullets in the distance, leaving a trail of thick smoke behind. I could feel huge spasms rocking Celestia’s entire body, and I took my eyes off the missile-like thing to see her gagging like a sick cat, her cheeks puffed out and tears in the corners of her rolled-back eyes. With a final heave, I saw her spit out a casing that was the size of a can of soup, sending it behind us with a loud ‘thunk’.

I returned my attention to the soaring missile just as it seemed to pass harmlessly through the whirring cloud of bullets still spinning over the valley. Less than a second later, all hell broke loose. A massive shockwave blew through the world, certainly reaching to the horizon and beyond; at the same time, all the bullets caught fire at once and shot off and away from the huge explosion that surely came from the missile hitting the ball of energy.

Like a gigantic firework, thousands –maybe millions- of bullets shot out in bright streaks of fire, curving down and out and apparently actively seeking the enemies below. An almost frightening amount of them headed for Canterlot, and I soon heard short and abrupt cries of pain coming from their victims.

And then, in the smoke of the countless little streaks of flame, there was silence. Celestia collapsed on top of me, gasping for breath. I noticed I had come somewhere in the middle of all this, though I can’t even begin to guess when. I heard Dick huff as Luna suddenly fell on him, her limbs failing to support her any longer.

We just lay there for a while, drenched in sweat and breathing heavily. Princess Celestia was cuddled up against me, lovingly licking my neck while tracing circles on my chest with a hoof. The way she gently giggled from time to time made her sound like she was somehow drunk.

One of the pony generals had crawled up to the edge of the ramparts, his receding erection still visible and leaking. He took a look below and gasped.

“Princess! The… the tanks! They’re still running! They’ve been heavily damaged but they’re still coming!”

“We have this,” said the princess of the night, her eyes closed in concentration and her horn glowing. At first I didn’t get what she meant, until I saw, through the huge patch of clear sky she had blasted in the clouds, the moon. It quickly moved just above us, hiding all the stars except one; one that seemed oddly colorful and flashy, and was somehow in front of the white orb.

My puzzled look was answered by “The moon is highly reflective,” when she finally let go of her magic and opened her eyes. I was about to ask what she meant when the moon suddenly flashed once before getting about a hundred times brighter in a matter of seconds.

Something like five million lasers rained down on whatever was left of the battlefield, clearing the sky entirely and producing enough light to think it was fully daytime. I saw the lasers shooting away from the moon about half a second later, probably some speed-of-light relativity bullshit at play.

And then it was finally, truly over.

I don’t know if I passed out or simply slept a bit, but the next thing I remember is seeing Luna standing next to me, trying to coax Celestia away from my body. She clung to me like a child being told to hand over her favorite doll or something.

“Come now, Tia, leave the human alone.”

“No! He’s mine and I want to marry him!”

The dark princess sighed, rolling her eyes.

“You’ll have to excuse her, Rod. She gets… emotional when… err, fulfilled. It doesn’t happen often, you see.”

“We’ll have lots of babies and we’ll be happy forever, and he will give me kisses whenever I want, and we’ll go to the beach, and-“

“Yes, yes, I’m sure he will be the perfect husband for you, Tia. Now how about getting you cleaned up? You wouldn’t want to ruin your wedding dress with a dirty coat, would you?”

The sun princess gasped in alarm and almost jumped to her hooves. “Oh you’re right Lulu! Let’s go! I need to look perfect for my big day with the future King Lightning!”

Princess Luna cringed when she heard her little nickname, but only sighed before starting to escort her older sister away. From that angle I could see Celestia’s rear end was stained completely black from the gunpowder soot, and a small wisp of smoke was still making its way out from under her tail. As the younger princess stopped to order one of the generals still present and awake to begin organizing the cleanup operation while they were away, a question came to my mind.

“Wait, so are you guys… robots or something?”

The night princess stopped and turned back to me. The sun one too, but instead of answering, she just did it to wink at me and blow a kiss while her sister talked. “To be honest, Rod, neither science nor magic have ever been able to explain this phenomenon of ours. Even in my thousand-year exile there has been no progress. To answer the question, no we are not machines. I do not know where those devices and metal bits come from.”

“Huh, wow, that must have sucked for your boyfriends when it first happened!”

Luna’s hoof went straight to her forehead while she muttered “You fool, what have you done?”

At the same time, Celestia’s face had basically crumpled faster than… uh, something that crumples very fast, and she gasped a few times while her eyes filled with tears. Her lower lip shook, her ears fell flat on her skull, and her eyes became as wide as saucers in an expression that would make even the puppy-dog-eyes-iest puppy dog look like a fierce triumphant wolf. A second later, she erupted into ear-bursting sobs while her sister tried to comfort her.

“Shh, Tia, calm down! It’s okay! The stupid human didn’t know about him.”

“I condemned him to a life of crotchless agony!”

“You didn’t know! Nopony could have known! It was not your fault, Celestia dear!”

What came out of the white princess next could probably have been attributed to a broken air raid siren if I hadn’t seen her mumble it out incoherently through her wracking sobs. Also through the snot and tears pouring out of her face. Eww.

“Buddicouldastoppedwheneecriedanididnnuntileefelltodegroundanwheniturndaroundderewazalldisbloodevrywhereandewallsadholesinemandefirsthingithoughdaboutwasdatmomwasgonnakillmeanddenirealizdiwasabadponybecauzmycoltfriendwasgonnadieandallicouldthinkaboutwasdestupidtapestriiiiieeeeeeees!”

“But Tia, he forgave you, remember? Besides, it’s all in the past now, okay? He’s in a better place now, and he has surely been reunited with his crotch.”

The sun princess calmed down a bit, still sniffling loudly.

“You really think so?”

“I’m sure. I am also certain that he loved you to the very end no matter what.”

Celestia threw herself in her sister’s arms, still crying but apparently a bit happier.

“Thank you! You’re the best sister in the world! -sniff- …I’m sorry for acting like a big baby.”

“Shh, it’s okay. You’re just a little confused right now. Now how about we go get you cleaned up?”

The older sister broke the hug, squeaking out a weak “Okay” with a crack in her voice. Both alicorns got back to their hooves and went on their way, although Luna took the time to shoot me a venomous glare before going.

“Geez, I’m sorry!” I said, but they didn’t seem to listen. They kept walking away with a slight crook in their steps. No doubt shooting so much crap out of their bottoms takes a toll on the ol' plothole, I guessed.

And then I was left alone with Dick Thunder, who had walked up to me with a bandaged leg, in the middle of the ravaged rampart while ponies slowly scrambled all around us to recover from the events of the day.

“So,” I began as I realized we were both stark naked, “Have you seen my clothes?”

“Uh, no. …Have you seen mine?”

“Nope.”

“…”

“Huh.”

Author's Note

So I basically gave up on trying to make this even remotely sexy and just went for sheer batshit lunacy.
Also, appropriately enough, at the time I wrote this note, this story had 69 upvotes. Aw yeah.