Babs Seed Profile

That afternoon in the Whitetail Woods was rather humid, though that was to be expected for the middle of summer. Babs, Dinky, and Rumble made their way towards an empty clearing that housed a wizened old tree. It was completely bare and devoid of any greenery that all of the other trees were covered in. It’s branches were akin to brown tendrils that would look like they would flail around aimlessly were they not a stationary part of the tree that they were attached to. It’s trunk was covered in what appeared to be red, ivy leaves, which gave the appearance that the tree was wearing an elegant, red, sequined dress. In front of this tree stood a very energetic and very pink mare, whose darker pink mane was just as springy and bouncy as her personality was. She turned around and saw the three of them approaching. Almost instantly she was standing in front of Babs and Rumble, talking.

“Hi, my name is Pinkie Pie,” she stated to Babs instantly and filled with cheer, “And you must be that super-duper FBI agent that everypony keeps talking about!”

“FBI Special Agent Babs Seed,” she replied back while flashing her badge from the Fillydelphia Bureau of Investigations. “But you can just call me Babs. Dat’s what everyone calls me.”

“You must be here to solve the murder that just happened here,” Pinke continued. “I really do wish you the best of luck on solving the mystery! Let me tell you, I know how hard it is to solve a mystery of this size. I’ve tried to solve a case once about who took a bite out of Mr. and Mrs. Cake’s Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness. I didn’t get very far. Speaking of which, what exactly does FBI stand for? Frying Batter Incorporated? Fourth Bank of Idahorse? Filly Brand Instant Potatoes? I’m gonna guess that last one, cause you look like you really like your potatoes! Which reminds me, do-“ Babs covered the pink pony’s mouth.

“You sure seem rather talkative,” Babs commented on Pinkie’s behavior before removing her hoof from the pink pony’s mouth. “Anyway, so you’re da one who discovered da body?”

“I sure was, though actually, Pumpkin Cake and Pound Cake, Mr. and Mrs. Cake’s two foals, technically found the body first, but I was really, really close, and I was the one who called the police. They’re over there if you wanna talk to them later,” Pinkie said as she pointed Babs towards two young ponies; a unicorn filly with brilliant azure eyes, light yellow coat, and curly mane of brilliant orange, and a pegasus colt with dark brown eyes, manila cream coat, and a regent styled mane of brown. Both of them were talking to Dinky. Babs then started to think to herself again.

“Berry, do you see dat?” She asked. “Twins! Just like da ones in my dream! We gotta talk to dem!”

“That’s funny,” Pinkie replied aloud to Babs, “I usually see Spike and Rarity walking around in circles on top of mountains of ice cream in mine.” Babs jumped in shock to Pinkie’s unexpected remark. ”Also, while we’re on the subject, do you think we can talk about the case away from the twins? I really wanna help you out with the case, but I really don’t wanna expose them to that kind of stuff at their age.”

“Very well,” Rumble responded to Pinkie, “I’ll have Dinky take the twins aside and-“

“Whoa, Nelly!” Babs interrupted Rumble. “Don’t be doing anything without asking me. Dese foals were da first to witness da crime scene. I’m gonna need to talk to dem.”

“Okie Dokie Lokie,” Pinkie cheerfully replied.

“Oh come on,” Rumble cried in response, “They’re just foals. They have no idea what really happened to Diamond Tiara.”

“Dat doesn’t matter,” Babs retorted back as she made her way towards the twins.

“How heartless!” Dinky yelled at Babs “Don’t you ever think of other ponies’ feelings?!”

“Dinky’s right,” Rumble added. “That’s stone cold, even for the sake of investigation!”

“You should at least make it chocolate ice cream!” Pinkie shouted out at random. All the other ponies, including the twins, stopped arguing and just looked at her in confusion. “What? Chocolate ice cream is the best,” she added. After an awkward silence, Babs went on.

“Younger ponies often see things in pure, simple terms,” Babs reasoned. “Dey may have seen something dat we older ponies would have never spotted. Not to mention dat dey are hear at our request as well. We could at least chat with dem and see if dey’d wanna make a statement. And don’t worry, dey aren’t as fragile as you think.” She assured as she sat in front of the twins.

“Now tell me, Pound, Pumpkin, what is it dat you found here?” Babs aksed the twins.

“Miss Diamond Tiara,” Pound answered. “She was so pretty.”

“Her coat was shining,” Pumpkin added.

“There were lots of animals around her,” Pound continued.

“Squirrels, weasels...” Pumpkin began to list off, “and a snake! A real snake!”

“We didn’t know until then,” Pound stated”

“But we know now!” Pumpkin finished his statement.

“Miss Diamond Tiara was a fairy of the forest,” Pound proclaimed

“She was just like a princess,” Pumpkin described.

“She smiled when she saw us,” Pound threw in.

“She looked so happy,” Pumpkin commented.

After listening to the twins’ testimony, Babs paused slightly to think, and then she replied.

“Dat’s right you two,” she praised them. “She was a fairy, and a princess, and I’m sure dat she’s playing with dose animals, even now. Thank you both for talking with me.” Babs turned towards the older ponies. “Well, Dinky, you can take them now. “ Dinky just nodded as she led the twins away from the clearing and back towards ponyville.

“Ok Berry,” Babs said to herself, “Dis is where Diamond’s body was found. And dat means dat our unknown subject was here too. So what happened here?” Babs began to question as she pulled out a cigarette and started to smoke.

“As you requested, we have permission to stay and look around as needed,” Rumble told her. “But what are you planning on doing?”

“Oh gee Rumble,” she replied in an incredibly sarcastic tone, “Whatever are we going to do aroud da scene of da crime when we really need to find da killer?”

“Ooh, I know!” Pinkie Jumped in. “Sarsaparilla break!” She held up a few bottles to the two ponies while wearing the largest smile on her face. Both Babs and Rumble were at a loss for words as they just stared at her.

“Anypony want any Sarsaparilla?” Pinkie continued to offer them. Babs just gently pushed Pinkie away from the conversation as she continued where they left off.

“Hey, We might as well uncover some more evidence while we’re at it,” Babs told Rumble.

“My ponies already took care of that,” Rumble told her. “And I seriously doubt that there’s anything else to find around here.”

“Yeah, especially since I hid most of it in that tree for safekeeping,” Pinkie added as she pointed to the top of a nearby tree. Babs and Rumble were utterly shocked to hear Pinkie confess this, and in such a non-chalant manner. Their jaws were completely agape until rumble began to talk to her further.

“... Pinkie... Why did you take the evidence, thus tampering with the crime scene?” Rumble asked, the anger rising in his tone.

“I just told you: so that you can look at it later and not have anything turn up missing,” she innocently replied. You know, in case of evidence emergency.”

Rumble face-hoofed himself. Hard

“... Well, at least it’s all in one place,” Babs replied. Since Pinkie seemed to put the evidence in a neat little pile on top of the tree, Babs decided that now was the time to pull out her secret weapon: a 9mm handgun, custom made for earth pony use. Such weapons were standard issue for the FBI, as the ammo cartridges that go with the handgun are magically enchanted to load bullets into the guns from the FBI ammunition supply back in Fillydelphia. These magically enchanted ammo cartridges allow the FBI agents to reload their guns directly from the supply, so that they don’t have to worry about running out of ammo during missions.

“Oh, hey, what is that?!” Pinkie yelled at Babs as she drew her handgun. “Is that a handgun? That looks really expensive. But you wouldn’t be pulling that out unless there’s danger, right? Or maybe you found something! Is it the killer?! Is he somewhere around here?! Is he wearing a sombrero?! He’s gotta-“

“That’s more than enough, Pinkie!” Rumble hissed as he silenced the mare.

“...Sorry,” she quickly apologized, “I was just-“

She was quickly interrupted when the sound of a loud ‘bang’ erupted from beside her. The sound, of course, had come from Babs’ custom handgun. Shortly after the ‘bang,’ Pinkie and Rumble noticed a lone bird’s nest falling from atop the tree, before Babs snatched it up from the ground seconds later.

“Agent Seed!” Rumble shouted over to Babs, “What in Tartauros do you think you’re doing discharging a handgun within the town limits, and at the crime scene no less?!”

“Simple,” Babs calmly replied as she managed to pull out a rather large bag from the bird’s nest, “I’m gathering evidence. Take a look for yourself.” She gestured for him to look in the bag. He peered inside the bag she held to view it’s contents that would help the two of them solve the case.

What he found inside the bag were two bent blades of grass, a wood chip covered in rusty metal dust, and a whole mess of pictures. Most of the pictures appeared to be random shots of nature (specifically of the crime scene, Babs was able to deduce), but there was one picture that stood out: a black and white picture of somepony wearing a black, leather vest with a large, circular hole cut from the back.

“Oh hey, you found the bag I put them in,” Pinkie commented. “I even took pictures of this area, just in case.”

“Whaddya know,” Babs replied aloud to Rumble, “Looks like Pinkie Pie here is much more thorough dan all your ponies combined.” Rumble didn’t pay much attention to the remark; however, as he was currently looking at some pictures of the ground by the base of the tree, as well as some other similar pictures of the nearby patches of dirt.

“These holes on the ground were made by high stallionetto heeled horseshoes all around here,” Rumble noticed. “And these depressions here... I think I see what happened here.” He then began to describe a scenario to Babs. “I think he hung her here from the tree, and then put on her horseshoes. He must’ve been really enjoying it, the sicko. Then he knelt down, and...” He paused as his mind began to fill with the disturbing images of necrophilia-based clop. “Disgusting!” he then shouted. Babs just took another puff on her cigarette as she was merely looking at the stallion trying to analyze the crime.

“Well, Rumble,” She addressed him, “You clearly have a vivid imagination and an interesting idea. Remind me to introduce you to somepony later, some Hayleywood producer by da name of Joel Horseshoemaucher. Anyway, profiling is a little different from writing some screenplay. An idea being interesting doesn’t make it fact.” She paused for a moment. “Lemme enlighten you, Rumble: Dese hoofprints reveal dat one of da heels was missing from one of da horseshoes, And dey’re different from Diamond Tiara’s hoofprints dat we saw on her file and autopsy report. Furthermore, dere’d be even more evidence if he did kneel and fuck her, not to mention that that sorta thing would’ve been mentioned in da autopsy report. If you want proof, though, go ahead and try it for yourself.” Rumble simply blushed as he dismissed his recently made theory.

“He knelt here for a reason other dan simple perversion,” She continued. “He was kneeling to worship her! Just like da twins said, she was a princess. Our unknown subject humbled himself in front of Diamond’s body, with its bitten out tongue and massive stomach gash, once the dead Diamond Tiara was transformed from an object of despite into one of worship.”

“So den dat begs da question,” Babs addressed, “Who is Miss Stallionetto Heels?”

“These steps are close coming up to the body, and then farther apart going away,” Rumble analyzed. “There must’ve been some reason to hurry away, then.”

“Den dat means dat Miss Stallionetto Heels is a third party in dis case,” Babs reasoned, “meaning dat she’s not da murderer, since nopony would ever run away from an object of worship. Perhaps she was another victim who was with Diamond Tiara, or perhaps an accomplice who fled for some reason. Either way, she’s also da one who took whatever Diamond was holding onto in her hoof.”

“Then why did she she leave her here?” Rumble questioned.

“Only Miss Stallionetto Heels knows the reason for dat,” Babs replied. “She might even know something about da pony wearing da vest in dis picture here. So Rumble, any idea about how many mares in dis town got a pair of high stallionetto heeled horseshoes?”

“I’d say just about anypony would have a pair of those,” Pinkie threw in. “Except for Applejack, of course. She’d never care to wear something like that. Although, now that I think of it, neither would Rainbow Dash. Hey, I don’t even recall having a pair. I mean sure, I have several pairs of Platform horseshoes, Clown horseshoes, even stilts. But-“ Pinkie was interrupted by Rumble slamming his hoof into her mouth to silence her.

“I’d say the bigger question would be who would come all the way out here wearing them,” Rumble said. “Well, there might be somepony who would do that.”

“And who might dat elegant mare be?” Babs asked him

“Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!” Pinkie began to shout. “Was it Fluttershy?! It was Fluttershy, wasn’t it?! I totally bet Fluttershy would-“ Once again, Pinkie was interrupted by Rumble slamming his hoof into her mouth to silence her.

“I was thinking of Rarity, the owner of Carousel Boutique,” Rumble declared.

“That was totally my next guess,” Pinkie blurted out.

“But she went to Canterlot for a couple of days,” Rumble continued, “and won’t be back for another day or two.”

“Den we’ll talk to her when she gets back,” Babs simply answered.

“That’s a great Idea!” Pinkie exclaimed. “We should totally throw her a ‘welcome back from Canterlot, there’s been a murder while you were gone’ party. And we can totally make it a surpri-“ Now, Pinkie was interrupted by Babs slamming her hoof into her mouth to silence her.

“Now den,” Babs asked Rumble as she held up the wood chip, “Where in Ponyville can somepony find something like dis? Any building dat isn’t used anymore with either a lot of metal or metal machinery or something?”

“Well, there is an old, abandoned lumber mill by the northern edges of town,” Rumble answered her.

“Now we’re talking!” Babs exclaimed. “It’s time to get dis show on da road!”