Babs Seed Profile

It was around lunchtime when Babs, Dinky, and Rumble arrived at the Ponyville General Hospital. The hospital itself looked to be a rather old building, with its timber-framed walls and rustic, cozy appearance; however, it was much more distinct than the other buildings in Ponyville thanks to its clay-tiled roof that sat atop three stories of floors. The interior of the building contrasted heavily from the exterior.

The main lobby of the hospital was a clash of colors, with its dark blue carpets and cyan floors, the olive green walls with creamy yellow frames, the tacky pink windows that let in sunlight from outside, and the swirly mahogany ceiling that topped the entire color ensemble. The lobby itself was completely empty, save the three ponies that just entered and one lone mare sitting behind the front desk.

The mare in question had a pure white coat and light pink mane that she wore up in a bun. On her head stood a tiny white hat, adorned with her cutie mark, a bright red cross with a little pink heart at each corner that the cross didn’t encapsulate. Her sky blue eyes were calmly looking at a book that she seemed to be heavily invested into. The trio of ponies walked up to the mare as she put away the book.

“Hello, Sheriff,” the mare greeted them and waved her hoof hello as they approached.

“Hi Nurse Redheart.” Rumble responded. “We’re here to see the coroner. Do you know where he is?”

“I think he’s in the computer room.” She answered.

“A computer room?” Babs questioned. “Dis hospital has a computer?!”

“Nice to meet you, Ms. FBI Agent,” Nurse Redheart replied to Babs. “This hospital was actually one of the first ones that had access to a computer back in the day. All of our employees share the computer. “

“Very nice to meet you too, I’m FBI Special Agent Babs Seed,” she replied back while flashing her badge from the Fillydelphia Bureau of Investigations. “But how did you know I was from da FBI.”

“Easy,” the nurse answered, “None of the police in this town wear cologne.” She began to giggle. Rumble lowered his hat to cover his face and his embarrassment. “Besides,” she continued, “Your arrival is the biggest rumor in town.”

“Rumors get exaggerated as dey spread,” Babs commented, “Even in da countryside.” She looked down at the desk and noticed the book that Nurse Redheart was clinging onto. “What’s dat you’re reading, if I may ask?” Nurse Redheart glanced down at the book

“You haven’t heard of this yet?” she asked. “Well, It’s an ongoing noir styled mystery. It’s set in Detrot. I’m sure an FBI agent like yourself has been there, right? A big, populated city with thousands upon thousands of ponies? Anyway, so this one unicorn is found dead on some city streets, and so this one private detective alongside a few other ponies have to figure out who the sick, twisted-“

“Nurse Redheart!” Rumble interrupted.

“Sorry, sorry,” she apologized. “I shoudn’t have gotten so off track like that. I’m sorry to have wasted your time.”

“Ah, don’t worry about it,” Babs dismissed the nurse’s apology. “Books are written to entertain, and it’s good you’re enjoying it. What we’re faced with here is a terrible crime committed in the real world, much different from dat of a novel. So dere’s no need to apologize.”

“Thank you, Agent Babs,” Nurse Redheart replied, her voice full of gratitude. “You’ll find the computer room through the double doors on your left. Follow the hall until it splits to the left. Take the left split, and the door to the computer room will be the first door on your right.”

“So den,” Babs asked her two companions while on the way to the computer room, “What kind of doctor is this doctor anyway?”

“The doctor is actually one of the best in the field,” Replied Rumble “A real prodigy. This pony made a small fortune in three years by running a small clinic out by Vanhoover, then moved back here to continue practicing medicine.” The three ponies arrived in front of the computer room.

“Yeah,” added Dinky as she opened for the door. “And get this: The doctor is also...“ she stopped as all three ponies looked inside the room. It was empty.

“... Is also not here, apparently.” Dinky concluded

“Nurse Redheart needs to check her information.” Rumble stated, rather angry that, in fact, the doctor was not in.

“Nah, I don’t think so,” Babs replied. “Does the doctor like playing games by any chance?”

“What do you mean?” Dinky asked her.

“I mean, dere’s a message by the computer,” Babs gestured at the computer monitor. “And a card key already set in place,” she gestured at a small card on the desk next to the computer. Babs then read the message from the sticky not on the computer. “Da King passes da Rook and meets da Bishop. Da Knight takes a Pawn to da Queen.” All three ponies pause for a moment.

“What the hay kind of sense does that make?!” Dinky shouted, breaking the silence.

“It’s a simple riddle,” Babs responded to Dinky’s outburst before turning and thinking aloud. “Berry, let’s take da doctor up on dis challenge. You can do dis, right?” She then closed her eyes and thought quietly.

“Oh for the love of Celestia!” Rumble exclaimed as he went to leave. “Games?! This is getting ridiculous! I’m getting Nurse Redheart to call the doctor up here right now!“ He stopped for a moment as he began to hear typing. He looked over to the computer and saw Babs typing. Shortly after he turned around, she stopped and exclaimed.

“Aha, dere we go!” Babs shouted happily. “Da doctor awaits below with da deceased. So dat’s where he is.”

“What are you talking about, Agent Seed?!” Rumble yelled furiously at her. “This is no time to be messing around!”

“It’s simple,” Babs explained. “Da riddle was a hint to da password, which was ‘KRBKNPQ.’ den the first thing on the desktop told us dat da doctor is in da basement with Diamond Tiara, and even left us dis card key so we can go dere ourselves.” Both Dinky and Rumble just stared at Babs in amazement and surprise.

“What? Neither of you ever play chess before?” Babs asked them, though she did not get any response. “Whatever, Come on you two. It’s time to meet da mischievous architect of dis little game.” Babs said to them as she walked out the door. Dinky followed behind while Rumble stood in place for a little longer, Almost starting to vent from the obnoxious riddle and Babs’ smugness.

The trio of ponies eventually came across a locked door in the basement floor. Just as Babs predicted, the card key unlocked the door and allowed them passage into the morgue. The morgue appeared to be a small, single room with dark grey walls and dim lights, striking much contrast to the rest of the colorful hospital. What they first saw in this room was a short and stout unicorn stallion sitting at a desk.

The unicorn stallion had a dark teal colored coat and a short, spiky, dark orange mane. He wore a white labcoat that he barely fit into. His cutie mark was a white pair of scissors. He appeared to be working on something and was concentrating hard on it.

“Dr. Snips,” Rumble called out as he, Dinky, and Babs made their way inside. “Sorry to keep you waiting.”

“Oh there you are,” the unicorn stallion exclaimed as he turned to face them. Getting a good look at his face, Babs saw that he had bushy, brown eyebrows and buck teeth. “You made it,” he continued. “Let’s get started shall we?”

“This is Agent Seed from the Fillydelphia Bureau of Investigations,” Rumble introduced the stallion to Babs.

“Nice to meet you Agent Seed,” the stallion said as he approached her. “My name is Snips, and I’m the Forensic Practitioner on duty.”

“FBI Special Agent Babs Seed,” she calmly replied back while flashing her badge from the Fillydelphia Bureau of Investigations. “But you can just call me Babs. Dat’s what everyone calls me.”

“Very well, Agent Babs,” Snips responded, extending his hoof to her in exchange for a hoof bump.

“By da way,” Babs asked him, “Did you create dat ‘battle of wits’ yourself?

“Yep!” happily answered Snips. “Just wanted to see if you could handle the task.”

“I see,” Babs said. “Well, it was pretty fun if I do say so myself.”

“Glad you liked it,” Snips responded. “Doing that sort of thing is-“

“We don’t have much time!” Rumble roared at the two. “We need those autopsy results!” Rumble went straight towards the table in the center of the room, passing through Babs and Snips.

“Next time, try challenging us without obstructing an investigation,” Babs whispered to Snips. “You’ve angered da princess,” she continued as she motioned towards Rumble.

The four ponies gathered around the center table where Diamond Tiara’s body was. Her body was laid on her back atop the large, iron table. There were traces of evaporated liquid around her eyes, as her mascara ran all the way down her face A dark teal blanket covered her body from her chest down, and was organized neatly as if it was ready to be thrown into a coffin. Snips began to explain his findings to the other three.

“From the onset of rigor mortis, the stiffening of the muscles, the time of death is estimated to be between 8:00 pm and 10:00 pm,” He clinically explained. “That’s still quite early for such a crime to take place. Note that there are two exterior wounds: Pressure marks around the neck.” Snips moved Diamond’s mane to point out the elongated, barely visible, slightly purple indentions that circled from her throat to her crest. “As well as a long cut located on her stomach,” He went on. “Blood marks around her inner right knee tell us she was gripping something round between her forearm and her fetlock. Her skull was also fractured, but that was unrelated to the cause of death. It probably happened to her after she was killed.” Snips paused slightly to let the others process all of the information.

“Now, I first thought that the cause of death was by suffocation, due to the marks on her neck, but after further investigation, I now have a different conclusion. The direct cause of death was by loss of blood from the wound on her stomach,” Snips finished.

“...Which means, what exactly?” Rumble questioned.

“Dat she was cut up while she was still alive.” Babs answered.

“Yes,” Snips added on. “A sharp knife was used. It was inserted beneath the bottom of her chest and was then quickly sliced downwards to about right above her flanks, creating the cut about three to four apples in length. The excessive loss of blood from her internal organs is what actually killed her. Her hooves are clean, and with no DNA left behind from the attacker. She also doesn’t appear to have been bound, nor badly beaten. She was apparently killed without resistance.”

“The most tragic thing; however,” Snips said in a depressed tone, “was that she was unable to speak her story to anypony who could hear her cries.”

“So da perpetrator cut out Diamond’s toungue,” Babs concluded as she began to analyze Diamond’s body with her own two hooves.

“Well, I believe she was drugged first to faze her consciousness” Snips responded, “and then the killer killed her. Now if I were to guess, the killer most likely has a deep, traumatized past concerning mares,” he lectured. “He probably cannot converse with them normally. Cutting out the tongue suggests a very lonely individual.” The other three ponies merely looked at Snips. “Well, either that or a truly hardcore sadist. Because he must get off on watching ponies suffer, especially when they can’t answer back. He watched as the blood pumped from Diamond’s body, as she gradually grew cold. There was a case in Seaddle about twenty-five years ago that was-“

“Hey blockhead, limit your report to your findings as a doctor!” Babs interrupted him. “Criminal profiling is my job!” Snips could only shrink back in embarrassment. “Also, you’re wrong with your observation,” Babs continued. “Diamond Tiara died fully, deeply, painfully aware of what was happening to her.” She paused briefly. “So can anypony tell me what time did it stop raining on da night Diamond was killed?”

“Just before I went to bed,” Dinky spoke up, “right after the movie on TV ended. So around 1AM?

“What movie was it,” Babs asked her.

“An Equestrian Werewolf in Trottingham.” Dinky answered.

“Ah, so directed by John de Lancie about thirty years ago.” Babs replied. “So da rain stopped accompanied by da ending song Blue Luna. Rumble, would you mind if I examined Diamond Tiara myself?” she asked the sheriff.

“What more do you hope to find?” Rumble asked in return.

“I’m sure I mentioned dat I have a personal interest in cases like dese,” Babs replied as she loomed over Diamond’s body. “From her lack of resistance, I’d say dat Diamond’s injuries happened very quickly. Unable to speak, she was den left to cry herself to death. Berry, it’s all starting to come together!”

“Wait, who’s Berry?” Dinky suddenly asked.

“Not now.” Babs cut her off. “Anyway, da perpetrator stayed with Diamond for at least two hours until it stopped raining. At da estimated time of her death, it was still raining. But you can still see tear marks on her cheeks. Dat means she was killed under a roof somewhere. She was den carried into da woods after it stopped raining.”

“Uh, there’s one other thing,” Snips brought up. “Her toungue was removed with a very blunt knife. In fact, it’s more likely it was simply chopped off.”

“Hey Snips, Are you a passionate stallion?” Babs interjected him. Snips could do nothing but stutter and blush from where he stood. “Rumble, are you passionate?” she asked.

“Um, I’m very passionate, yes,” Rumble replied. “Especially when it comes to mares. But what does that have to do with-”

“Rumble, da perpetrator is just like you,” Babs commented. “He’s passionate about mares.” The comment made Rumble blush profusely. “He’s a passionate kisser,” Babs led on. “Dis was a ‘kiss of death.”

“S-So the perpetrator b-bit off Diamonds tongue?” Snips replied, now full of terror at what Babs was implying. Dinky and Rumble just gasped in response.

“We’ll never get a dental print from a wound like dis,” continued Babs, “But dis is still a big lead.” Babs then locked lips with the corpse of Diamond Tiara.

The other three ponies were so shocked that they could do nothing but watch as she kissed the dead mare. Babs broke contact with the body shortly afterwards, with something now in Babs’ mouth. Immediately, she spit the newest contents of her mouth out onto an empty spot on the table. It was a large (but gooey) pile of crimson red seeds.

“Jackpot, Berry,” Babs exclaimed to herself. “It’s a shame, but our old-time all-Equestrian sightseeing tour just came to an end.” Babs looked up to the other three ponies. “Dis case is now under da jurisdiction of da FBI. I’m assuming command, and I’ll need you both to assist me in the investigation.”

“What in the nine circles of Tartauros do you mean, Agent Seed?” Rumble questioned, rather furious in Babs’ commandeering of command, among other things. “I know I said I was passionate, but you can’t think I did this-?!”

“Dat’s not why I’m assuming command, Rumble,” Babs calmly cut him off. “You’re a suspect just as much as every other passionate stallion in Equestria. Lemme show you something.” Babs reasoned as she pulled a tiny baggie from out of her coat pocket.

She laid the baggie and its contents of three crimson red seeds next to the soggy pile of crimson red seeds Babs extracted out of Diamond Tiara’s mouth. She then began to pull out several more tiny baggies, each containing three crimson red seeds. After she pulled out about seventeen baggies, she then paused to let the other ponies see all of the crimson red seeds on the table. All 75 of them (including the ones in the soggy pile).

“Dere you go,” Babs concluded as she made her point. “Amazing, eh? I’m sure you all have a lot of questions, but most of the details are top secret.” The other three ponies could only stand and stare in shock at the discoveries found within the last ten minutes. “Rumble, Dinky,” Babs called out as she proceeded towards the exit, “We should be going. No need to stay here any longer.” She stopped right before reaching the door. “Oh, and by da way, Bishop takes Queen, his Rook takes your Queen, then your Knight takes Rook, and checkmate.” Babs then left the morgue. Rumble and dinky were rather confused by Bab’s odd statement, but Snips seemed to feel a newfound sense of awe from those words. He rushed over to the desk at the chess game he was working on. He did as Babs instructed before little victory rings came from the game.

“Oh wow, my first victory in the Grandmaster Ranking!” shouted Snips in amazement. “That Babs Seed is the most amazing pony EVER!”

“Agent Seed,” Rumble said to the agent, “If you’re so desperate, then why not smoke two at once?” Babs looked at him as she was about to pull out a cigarette to smoke. His comment made her hesitant, and eventually, she put away the new, unused cigarette, now slightly annoyed at Rumble. The three ponies were back in the lobby of the hospital, just about to leave and continue their investigation, when they heard the sounds of hoofsteps behind them. Babs turned around to see what was approaching.

It appeared that two ponies were making their way towards Babs, Dinky, and Rumble. The first appeared to be a purple unicorn mare. She was sitting in a grand oak wheelchair and wearing a charcoal black straightjacket that kept her forelegs bound. Her face was covered by a silvery white gas mask exposing only her long, straight cut dark blue mane that had a single streak of dark violet next to a single streak of pink. Even her eyes were obscured and her horn covered by this gas mask, which almost resembled a skull in appearance.

The second mare was completely different by comparison. She appeared to be an earth pony, but she looked nothing like what most ordinary earth ponies would. Instead, she was covered in black stripes over her grey coat. Her mane was a black and white striped Mohawk, and her eyes a calming turquoise. She wore several golden rings around her left foreleg and neck, and the bottom of her ears housed another gold ring each. She appeared to be pushing the wheelchair that the first mare was sitting on.

“Who are dose two ponies?” Babs asked Rumble.

“Oh, them,” Rumble commented. “That’s Twilight Sparkle: One of the bigger problems around here. She moved here about twelve years ago, when she and a couple of other ponies presumably defeated Nightmare Moon and saved Princess Luna. She became a princess about ten years ago, but then, a little after the Crystal Empire disappeared about nine years ago, Twilight was said to have murdered Princess Cadence, and thus had her Princess-hood and Alicorn-dom removed. She’s been like that ever since. Even though she’s no longer a princess, the entire town treats her like royalty. Not that that makes any difference. So long as I’m around, she won’t be getting away with any funny business.

The two mares stopped in front of Babs and Rumble. The striped one stepped next to Twilight, who appeared to whisper something into the striped one’s ear. The striped one then addressed Babs.

“Ms. Babs Seed,” The striped mare said with a heavy accent. “Haste won’t lead you to what you seek. Keep your eyes focused on your hoofsteps as we speak. So says Twilight Sparkle.”

“Nice to meet you too,” Babs calmly replied to the two mares. “Who are you and how did you know my name?” Once again, Twilight began whispering things to the striped one’s ear, who, after a moment, then began to continue speaking.

“Ms. Babs Seed. Information desires you. Just as you desire information too. So says Twilight Sparkle.” Agitated at their pestering, Rumble went up to Twilight’s face.

“Dammit, Twilight!” he yelled. “Stop trying to get in our way! Keep this up and even you’ll have to answer to the law!” Paying no mind to rumble, Twilight began to whisper more things to her mare companion.

“Ms. Babs Seed. With each rain our town goes mad. To our disdain unpreventable so sad. So says Twilight Sparkle.”

“Oh, Gee, Thanks for da warning,” Babs said to the two mares.

“We hope for you to get a good start. Without further ado, then, we shall depart, Ms. Babs Seed.” the striped mare finished, once again moving behind Twilight’s wheelchair. The two mares then exited the hospital, leaving Babs, Rumble, and Dinky behind.

“That’s how she always has been, always spouting that nonsense,” Rumble reassured Babs. “Don’t give her any thought, It’s all gibberish.” Dinky’s radio then started to alarm.

“Dinky here,” she raised her hoof to her shoulder mounted radio. She then began conversing through it. “.... mmhmm... Ok, thank you Applebloom.” She finished her conversation and then returned to Babs and Rumble. “Agent Babs, We’ve contacted the first witnesses to the crime scene. You can interview them where they found the dead body.”

“Excellent,” Babs replied to Dinky. “I was just about to ask if you could take me dere.”