The State of the Art

(Excerpt from Shakes Pear’s seventh play, On the Haunch. Modern translation)

IN THIS SCENE

The Pegasus Noblemare Lexa

The Noblemare’s Pegasus Daughter Pawen

Starswirl the Bearded

An Equus Coltservant

In a lounge of the small court of The Noblemare.

[Lexa reclines on a futon]

[Enter Starswirl]

Lexa:

Scholar Starswirl, I am so pleased you have time for me.

[Lexa rises from the futon]

Starswirl:

I enjoy your company, dear Lexa.

Lexa:

It is fortuitous of you to come, I have a question.

Starswirl:

Ask away. I am a scholar, if not for answers what is my profession?

Lexa:

As you know I have a daughter. She is of that special age when there is only one thing on her mind.

[Lexa sits down again on the futon]

        Starswirl:

Colts?

[Starswirl sits on a pillow]

        Lexa:

Cutiemarks.

        Starswirl:

Oh, right.

        Lexa:

She is soon to turn another year and is anxious to get her cutiemark. I reassure her that it will come someday. I try to coax her into doing what she loves and is good at, but in her desperation she forgets even that and goes about with every new idea she has.

        Starswirl:

Indeed a terrible predicament. Aye, I remember when you yourself was but a filly. You were a late bloomer too. But look what you grew into.

        Lexa:

Oh you old, lewd stallion. Spare me of your flattery.

        Starswirl:

So your daughter is faffing about instead of..?

        Lexa:

She has a talent with the noble art of chess and strategy. I am sure you have played with her once.

        Starswirl:

Oh indeed I did, it was quite the battle for someone half a century my minor.

        Lexa:

She so enjoyed reading great works of military strategy and my husband has brought her trinkets and figurines and maps to make a war table for her.

[Enter stage The Coltservant]

        Coltservant:

Milady, I think you should know that your daughter is swimming in the fountain in the garden.

        Lexa:

Thank you, kindly go pick her out of there and dry her up.

        Coltservant:

Yes ma’am.

[Exit stage The Coltservant]

        Lexa:

You see what I have to contend with?

        Starswirl:

Yes, I imagine she lightens the mood with laughter every day.

        Lexa:

My question is this: What manner of magic is the cutie mark? Can something be done about it? Can I help her? Can you?

        Starswirl:

Ah. That is a delicate matter. It is only from my working with our Princess that I know what to even say; bless the mare of the sun.

        Lexa:

Oh. Is this such a mystery that not even you, wisest wizard, could unravel it? Forgive me for asking, had I known it was this difficult I would have had more respect.

        Starswirl:

It is fine dear Lexa. The Princess believes that the cutiemark is an ancient spell. Far older than the ancient Celestine Empire. Far older than ancient realms of Neighgypt. Older than history itself.

        Lexa:

And I thought you were an old fart.

[Starswirl pauses to look sternly at Lexa]

        Starswirl:

I would have you know that our fair Princess is so much my senior that just last month she called me a colt. But to get back on topic.

[Enter stage Pawen, in a foul mood]

        Pawen:

Mother! You said I had permission to explore my talents!

        Lexa:

Not by swimming in the fountain, for Maker’s sake!

        Pawen:

But if I don’t learn how to swim, how will I know if swimming is my talent?

        Lexa:

Dearest, I have told you that---

        Starswirl:

Good day m’lady Pawen. I hear you are trying to attain your cutiemark?

        Pawen:

Good day scholar Starswirl. I am not trying to find my cutiemark, I am arguing with my mother.

        Starswirl:

Do you think you might get a cutiemark pertaining to mother-daughter arguments?

        Lexa:

Starswirl, you are very much interrupting me scolding my daughter!

        Starswirl:

I am interrupting your daughter interrupting my exposition of your daughters issue with an argument with you about you interrupting your daughter in exploring her talents with which you have an issue.

        Lexa:

Yes. Obviously.

        Starswirl:

So would it not be adequate to acquaint myself with your daughters issue from your daughters viewpoint as opposed to silently accept your opposition of your daughters effort to acquaint herself with aquaeus pursuits?

        Pawen:

I think so too mother.

        Starswirl:

And in this intteruption of opposition I interrogate your daughter for information on her efforts towards a forecoming transformation, formative in curriculum vitae and familiarity with ones own exceptionality, which I find to be fitting conversation instead of arguments about interruptions of oppositions in the middle of expositions.

[Lexa and Pawen stare briefly at Starswirl]

        Lexa:

My talents lie in both law and lexica, yet all I have to say is: What?

        Starswirl:

I would rather talk to your daughter about her endeavour to gain a cutiemark than you two bicker.

        Pawen:

Why on earth didn’t you just say that. I have been up to all sorts of things and adventures but mother says most of them are improper for a noble family’s heiress.

        Starswirl:

Do you now Lexa?

        Lexa:

She was swimming in the fountain!

        Starswirl:

I seem to remember a certain young noble heiress doing the same some twenty-five summers ago.

        Lexa:

Just because I once did it doesn’t make it right to do so.

        Starswirl:

And yet children tend to do as you do, rather than as you tell them to do. [To Pawen] Say what, m’lady Pawen, would you like to meet me for tea and a game of chess?

        Pawen:

I would love to, I can only hope my mother thinks it is becoming of an heiress!

[Lexa and Pawen glare at one another]

[Exit stage Pawen in flight]

        Lexa:

She is so much like myself.

        Starswirl:

Yes, unfortunately.

[Beat]

        Lexa:

Wait. What do you mean by unfortunately?

[Fall Curtains]