Based on a True Story!

As we trekked through a pass, the castle finally came into view in the distance. “Whoa,” I intoned. Seventeen hundred hours? Oh, of course -- I’ve been so stupid! This is a magical world; time must flow differently here. That’s when I noticed that the other ponies had stopped and were staring at me. I shook my head, heroically sparing the world the saddest sigh ever. Not that kind of “whoa.” But it was then that a wash of dark swept over us like a fog and, when it cleared there were seven different images ahead.

“You were on the ball again, Drath,” Twilight said grimly. “I don’t know how you knew that was coming... But I do know what these are.”

“Of course you do,” came that voice from my nightmare, all around us. “It’s not complicated. Face them, if you dare. Or turn back. Turn back, and spend what time you can with your loved ones. Don’t leave them to wonder about you as they shiver in the dark, alone and afraid.”

“Our innermost fears?” I guessed. Twilight nodded shakily, eyes wide, but I hadn’t really needed the confirmation. It wasn’t hard to see. It wasn’t subtle. And the only way forward was through one of them.

Ponies that must have been her family lay dead, singed and smoking, as another Twilight wept over them.

Sweet Apple Acres lay in ruins, and the Apple family even I’d come to, well, tolerate, sat there listlessly, shivering, as ribs showed through emaciated chests.

An ersatz Pinkie ran from pony to pony, each one sobbing as she approached. You could see the life go out of each of them in turn and, bit by bit, out of her as well.

Dead and dying animals lay around an image of Fluttershy as she mouthed one silent apology after another.

A lookalike for Rainbow Dash , one wing missing, sat in a chair, staring vacantly at the sky.

Another Rarity wept as Sweetie Belle walked away from her to join another group of ponies, all sharing the same disgusted look as they turned their backs on the fashionista.

A tree sat in a field, its limbs swaying gently in the breeze.

“A tree?” Rainbow Dash asked. “A tree? Really?”

“You don’t know them like I do.” And that had sounded a lot more impressive in my head. Even with all the echo-y acoustics.

Twilight, shaken as she was, still managed a slight smile. “I think I know which nightmare to tackle.” And so we overcame another challenge and, as the tree was only there because of me, I should point out that my part was, technically, indispensable. OK, so being publicly exposed for treeophobia still wasn’t my proudest moment -- probably more in the middle. But we got through it together, with only a few whimpers, moans, and tears. All of which the mares were very understanding about.

==========

“That’s the castle?” I asked. Now that we were closer, it looked odder than I expected. Some towers stood proud, and in other places it looked more like someone had a lot of leftover bricks and this had looked like a good place to stack them. Either the castle was over a thousand years old, this had been the site of a terrible battle, or pony architecture was just weird. Maybe all three, but… Nah. What are the odds?

“The Castle of the Two Sisters,” Twilight agreed. “And we have to be very careful here. It’s not even six o’clock, and it’s already dark.” She caught my eye. “It shouldn’t be, this time of year.”

I froze mid-stupid-question, unblinking. So. It was night early. Oh.

It was night early because of Nightmare Moon. Tell me this isn’t happening.

One pony changed the sky. I shouldn’t be here. This was a mistake.

I mean, I knew she was planning to bring about eternal night, but it hadn’t really sunk in. It couldn’t have sunk in, really -- it never had a chance. After all, I had a lifetime of nobody being able to go all emo and change the freakingsky. And yet, there it was. It was impossible, undeniable, and scary as hell.

I was already tired, sweaty, hungry, thirsty, dirty, and sore, and now you could add terrified beyond all capacity for rational thought. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to hide. I wanted to curl into a little ball and suck my thumb, and now I didn’t even have thumbs. And I’ve never been so tempted to just walk back to Ponyville, jump in bed, and wait it all out with the blankets pulled up over my ears. Even if said ears were a bit longer and probably needed a little more blanket lately.

I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. And it wasn’t because of the mere fact that if the world ended, I’d end with it no matter where I was or how tight a ball I’d curled up in. No, it was because I was surrounded by mares who’d stepped forward when the call came. They all been, even Fluttershy and Rarity, courageous, uncomplaining, and completely ignorant of what kind of pressure that put on me. Hardly considerate of them, I know.

There were only a few of the Night Guard set around the base of one tower. I thought my fellow bearers might be able to take them -- while I offered vital moral support, of course. But apparently the bearers wouldn’t kill, and I wasn’t so sure about the enemy.

“It’s time to risk using a spell, and put that shapeshifting trick you taught me into use, Drath,” Twilight announced a little too brightly. She looked at me, eyes pleading.

“Yes,” I said slowly. “It is a good time to use the spell that I taught you for that, uh, thing. Shiftshaping. What you said.”

“Wait here, everypony,” Twilight said, and as she moved into the clearing she flickered with green flame, and it was a bigger, darker alicorn who walked up to a pegasus in black barding. Technically, Twilight was now in the body from my dreams… Just not in a good way. She was a dead ringer for Nightmare Moon. My brain knew she was really still sweet little Twilight Sparkle, but it only barely managed to convince my bladder.

“Your Highness,” the pegasus said as she came to attention. “I wasn’t aware that you’d left the tower.”

“Communications have been compromised, Captain,” the alicorn announced tersely. “Send word by messenger that no communications are to be sent or received by spell until further notice. Also, the entire Night Guard is to assemble in the depression five kilometers directly south of here.”

The pegasus tensed and grated out, in a voice dripping with suspicion, “Twilight Sparkle.”

“...What?”

Rainbow Dash moved faster than I could react -- but not faster than Pinkie, who quickly held a hoof in front of Dash’s chest. “Wait,” Pinkie whispered urgently, more serious than I’d ever seen her before.

The black-barded pegasus continued, “It was that know-it-all Twilight Sparkle that got into our communications spellwork, wasn’t it? That officious little nag!”

The alicorn had retreated slightly. “Uh, I hear that she’s actually quite nice when you get to know her. And that know-it-all reputation? Totally undeserved.”

The pegasus snorted. “Of course, your Highness.”

“And I would never call her ‘officious.’ As a matter of fact, she’s really very down-to-Earth. Sweet and humble to a fault, that pony.”

“If you say so, your Highness.”

“As a matter of fact, I do say so! Anypony would be lucky to have a friend like her!” Twilight glanced over the pegasus, then prodded a flank. “And frankly it wouldn’t hurt you to cut down on the muffins. But then, a friend like Twilight would have let you know about that, wouldn’t she?”

The pegasus was incredulous. “Your Highness?”

Twilight’s voice -- well, technically Nightmare Moon’s voice, but you know what I mean -- would brook no questions, even rhetorical ones. “Is someone asking for laps around that depression, Lieutenant?”

“Yes, your Highness! I mean no, your Highness! Carrying out your orders right away, your Highness!”

The dark alicorn took wing just after the dismayed pegasus flew off, and then dropped silently back into the forest behind us, where once again she became Twilight Sparkle, albeit one who was muttering under her breath. “‘Know-it-all’... show her ‘know-it-all’...”

“That was really impressive!” Fluttershy said, eyes wide.

Twilight stopped mid-rant and blushed. “Well, it was...”

“You’ve been here less than a week and you’ve already mastered magic even Twilight hasn’t!”

“Indeed,” Rarity breathed. “You never cease to amaze me, Drath.”

Twilight was rolling her eyes so hard, I was afraid the rest of her was going to spin in the opposite direction. I fought down a smile and noted, “Well, your friends probably expect you to be brilliant by now, Twilight.” Yes, I am allowed to say something smart now and then, and I think I was due; it seemed to me like half my conversation so far had been more along the lines of “What?”, “Huh?”, and “Help! Get it off me!”

Rainbow Dash noticed, too. “It’s no reason to be jealous, Twilight. It’s just rare that such a fine pony comes along.”

Pinkie nodded firmly. “Any mare would be proud to have such a fine stallion.”

I could feel the friends rapidly approaching a breakthrough in communications, and it was one I badly wanted to avoid. After all, if they got into an argument now, we wouldn’t function as smoothly as a team. And the same would probably apply if they killed me and hid the body. “Let’s move out.”

Twilight nodded, and looked at her friends. “For Equestria.” She was echoed by the other members of the group.

Well, all but one, who might have said something more along the lines of “For crying out loud.” Ponies have good ears, as it turns out, and at Twilight’s look, I shrugged. “Um, fierce battle cries of, uh, ferocity, that is. I’ll explain later. If there is one.”

“Drath,” she asked, “Have you had much combat experience?”

“Only in simulation,” I answered. That such simulations were games where dying usually just meant time for another round of nachos while waiting to respawn seemed one of those unnecessary little details. Like not being any good at those games.

“I’d welcome any tactical advice you might have,” she said hopefully.

What, like "stay behind cover and look for power-ups?" “The scenarios were too different, Twilight, sorry. I don’t think the experience would apply here.” In much the same way that, though they both involve eating, you couldn’t learn to be a food critic by playing Pac-Man.

Dash looked at Twilight. “Do you think we’ll finally get a medal this time?”

I interrupted, “Seven ponies going up against the veritable incarnation of night? I think we deserve at least a Darwin Award.” And that probably didn’t come with a medal, but then again our position wouldn’t be one to object. Our position would be more, well, horizontal.

We encountered no opposition as we crept up the tower’s spiral staircase. Every step brought me closer to what felt like my death, and by the time we reached the top, my heart was pounding like it wanted to tear itself out of my chest. Then again, that was a lot of steps, and I don’t do a lot of cardio.

“Wait,” Pinkie hissed. She brought her pet out of her pack, and set it on the steps before us. “Gummy has a plan!”

“Gummy,” said Twilight as she looked at Pinkie. “Gummy has a plan.” She shrugged and, along with the rest of us, gazed expectantly at the baby alligator. He reared up to his full height (such as it was), took a step forward... And toppled, face-forward, onto the uppermost step, where he basically drooled a little. OK, that’s not quite fair to him. He drooled a lot.

“That was a good try, Gummy!” Pinkie cheered quietly. She hastily put him back into her saddlebags, and looked expectantly at Twilight.

Twilight stared back for a few seconds, one eye twitching, then took a deep, calming breath. “Then let’s proceed with Plan B,” she said a little sharply. “The one where we don’t depend on the baby alligator. Everypony watch out so you don’t step in gator spit. All right, girls. Sorry, and Drath.” Her horn began to glow. “On three...”

==========

“Three!” The door flew open and we all charged in. I went in last, and that would indeed probably have been the safest position if the door hadn’t swung back in time to catch my nose. I stumbled, tripped over my own legs (easier to do now that they’ve multiplied) and went down, but rolled and came up again onto my hooves -- and caught an admiring glance from Twilight at the end.

“Wow,” she whispered as she looked around. “A combat roll?”

“I learned it from a legendary soldier.” I was pretty sure Captain Kirk qualified.

The room was empty. Despite the lack of an omnicidal nightmare pony, I wasn’t relieved in the slightest. After all, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d actually had a pleasant surprise.

“She’s here,” Twilight said as she explored the room. “I know it.”

“Ooooh! It’s like Hide and Seek!” Pinkie cried happily.

“No, it’s like I take your hides and you leak,” came Nightmare Moon’s voice. We spun, and behind us a cloud of dark sparkles formed itself into a mare, standing in the doorway we came through. I checked quickly; yep that was the only exit to the room. Of course that was the only exit to the room.

Great. An ancient, evil near-goddess between us and the only way out. This is so gonna suck. I could have really used another exit. Or a grenade.

Or my mommy. Preferably with a grenade.

“It’s a pity my Night Guards did not finish you,” Nightmare Moon purred. “It would have been kinder, and I think I have a few, small embers of pity left in my heart.”

“Luna,” Twilight began, “If there’s any trace of our friendship...”

“Sorry,” Nightmare answered, “Luna doesn’t live here anymore. Luna was a weak little pony, content to only shine by her sister’s light. Even Luna didn’t like being Luna, or I wouldn’t be here.” She shook her head as if with sorrow. “Why would I ever want to be that pathetic little joke again? Luna’s dead, and good riddance.”

“I don’t believe you!” Twilight cried. “Girls, get ready!”

“Yes, that’s right. The Elements of Harmony. I must have forgotten! For example, Dash, with her Element of Loyalty. But you know where your loyalty truly lies, don’t you, Rainbow Dash? Haven’t you always looked out for yourself, first? You, who dream of leaving Ponyville’s weather in other hooves while you seek glory as a Wonderbolt? Leaving your friends behind? Knowing that if they ever needed help, the one pony who could get to them the fastest just wouldn’t be there.”

“I... I’d never leave them unless they were in good hooves!” But Dash’s necklace glowed a little more faintly.

“And Rarity. Tell me, Rarity, when you’ve been oh-so generous, wasn’t there usually something for you in it? You give away dresses, to be sure, but if they catch on, you get the credit, don’t you?”

“Of course I want credit,” Rarity said. “But that’s not why I give things away or do things for my friends. I do it because I enjoy doing it!”

“So, then, you do get something from it? Joy?” And the Element of Generosity dimmed. “Fluttershy! Kind, sweet, gentle Fluttershy! Fluttershy, who stands by while some of her animal friends hunt down, kill, and devour others.”

“Never!” Fluttershy’s voice rang with confidence I didn’t expect. “My pets...”

“Your pets, no, but the others in the forest? How painful it must be to you, knowing that those you love will always betray your kindness, and that your kindness, in the long run, accomplishes nothing.” Another necklace dimmed.

“And Pinkie Pie!” Nightmare Moon continued mercilessly. “You’ll laugh at anything, won’t you?”

“Hey! Not just anything!”

The dark alicorn laughed chillingly, and Pinkie joined in. At our incredulous stares, Pinkie just shrugged. “I can’t help it! Laughter’s infectious.”

“Like ebola,” I grumbled.

“Do you see what I mean, Pinkie?” Nightmare Moon asked archly.

Pinkie thought about that. “Nope.”

The Nightmare sighed, and, so help me, for a moment I actually felt sorry for her. “Can I come back to you later?”

“Okee dokee!”

“Um, maybe we should, like, attack now?” I suggested. “Instead of waiting for her to depower us all?”

Twilight looked at me, eyes wide. “We can do that? It really is more polite to let her finish first, you know.”

But before I could gather enough snide together for a proper response, the Nightmare interrupted. “Twilight Sparkle! My dear, dear sister’s faithful student! Your sheer, raw, magical power is indeed impressive. If only it were coupled with a mind to match.”

“Now wait just a minute.” Rainbow Dash spoke up a fraction of a second before the rest. “Twi’s the smartest pony I know!”

“Smart, yes. Undeniably smart. Incredibly smart. Completely sane? Not so much.” Nightmare Moon’s gaze held Twilight’s. “You never do believe you’re quite good enough, do you? You never quite trust yourself, deep down. And you’re right. You threw an entire town into chaos over one homework assignment. Somepony could have gotten seriously hurt. You were lucky then. Will you be as lucky next time?”

The gem in Twilight’s tiara dimmed -- and then flared again, brighter than before. The little alicorn looked the larger in the eye. “That was true before, but, with the help of my friends, I’ve bettered myself. That’s something friends do, Nightmare Moon, and your little game won’t shake me.”

The Nightmare, though, far from being upset, only grinned at her. “What about your library’s indexing system?”

Twilight took a step back, and as she spoke the muscles in her jaw clenched. “What. About. My. Indexing. System?”

“It’s archaic and sub-optimal,” the Nightmare declared, every note dripping with venom. “Not to mention, giving catalog numbers to fiction is just silly. And then using imaginary numbers? That’s just pathetic.”

“But... fiction... imaginary...” The little alicorn was sputtering with rage. “You monster! That’s it! Blast her, girls! Sorry -- and Drath!”

“And you, Drath? You’re a bigger fraud than...” Nightmare Moon stopped and took another, closer look at me. “My heavens, Drath, what happened to your head?”

“It’s supposed to look like that!”

“Really? With the one horn pointing a little off to one side like that?” I could see her squint, as if that would actually help.

“Yes, really! It’s been like that ever since this was done to me,” I answered in a low tone.

“‘Cept a few bumps here and there,” Applejack threw in helpfully.

Nightmare Moon tilted her head this way and that. “What happened? When you were transforming, did somepony drop her Element or something?”

“Will you please shut up about my head?” I felt like beating that same head against something in frustration. Where was a tree when you really needed one?

Her tone became conspiratorial. “I might be able to fix that. You know, before I end the world and all. Come over to my side.”

“No! I’ll never join you!” In my defence, that line was original to this universe.

“Did I mention free donut day?”

I double-facehoofed at that -- and at the surprising temptation it generated, which I put down to a sweet tooth that came from being afflicted with an acute case of pony. I also found out why double-facehoofing is a bad idea for a quadruped. “Arrrg! Twilight, I believe we were about to blast?”

A wave of rainbow color leapt from the Elements and wrapped around Nightmare Moon like a bubble. Upon which she laughed, reached out with a hoof, and shattered the bubble.

“She’s weakened us,” Twilight said incredulously. “She’s reached into our heads and... and she got to us.”

Applejack shook her head ruefully. “Maybe we should have learned from when Discord did the pretty much the same thing to us?”

Twilight blushed furiously. “Sorry, I didn’t see it happening until it was too late. This isn’t as thorough, but it looks like it doesn’t need to be.”

“Yeah, Twilight, I see that.” I’d been really counting on her to do all the heavy thinking here. This wasn’t laziness, but simple recognition of her intellectual gifts. OK, maybe a bit of both. “You have a backup plan, right?”

She gave me a steady gaze before whispering back, “Not for this. Not yet. But distract her for sixty seconds and I will.”

I gave her, believe it or not, an actual grin back. Partly because, despite the setback, I still had every confidence in her. Mostly because if I switched sides I’d still get killed anyway. Well, it’s smart to consider all your options. Isn’t it? Fine. The next time you’re faced with choosing between a horrible, agonizing death and free donuts, see how you feel. And in my defense, with the end of the world and all, it’s not like the calories would even count.

But first, let me explain how brilliant I was about to be. After all, it only happened once in my life, and I wouldn’t want you to miss it. I’d figured out this world. Well, yes, I’ve said that before, but it was totally for realsies this time. My true talent wasn’t blowing up containers of water. It wasn’t self-injury, either. Or even nitrogen. My truest gift was that, ponies aside, this world absolutely hated me.

And I could use that. I could also see this becoming the strangest battle cry ever.

“So,” I said. “You were listing my flaws?”

The world couldn’t resist, as I knew it couldn’t, and Nightmare Moon continued. “You’re the biggest fraud of all. You care only about yourself. You’re an idiot pretending to be a genius.”

This was too much for Twilight to take, “Hey! I keep telling everypony, he’s much smarter than he looks!” She hesitated. “I know that leaves a lot of room…”

“Twilight?” I sighed.

“Yes, Drath?”

“You can stop helping now.”

Nightmare Moon continued relentlessly. “You don’t have the courage to let any of these mares, who’ve done so much for you, down easily, but you keep stringing them along.”

I ignored both the gasps and the subsequent mutterings around me. “All true,” I said slowly. “And you’re probably going easy on me.”

“Like I said,” she continued. “I have a few sparks of pity left, and you? You could earn them all. You’ve been gifted with great power, all unearned, and done nothing with it. You skate by on dumb luck and the hard work of those who would be your friends, if you were but fit to have them. You could have been their champion; instead, they got a clown. Your only measurable contribution was to have the single stupidest innermost fear I’ve seen in tens of thousands of years.”

“But it was a contribution,” I said stubbornly. “It counts, right? And I did beat Rainbow Dash in a race.” At her look of puzzlement, I explained, “I was the first out of that temple trap.”

“Rainbow Dash was held back by her feelings of loyalty to her friends.”

“And I was held back by my complete lack of athletic skill. I figure it all balances out. And then there was when I out-magiced Twilight and blew a hole in the door.”

“Because the door was charmed against her? Any other reasonably competent mage could have done the job!”

“Exactly! I was still able to do it, despite being nowhere near competent!” This was working. All I had to continue to do was to say one idiotic thing after another. I’ve so got this!

She narrowed her eyes and continued. “If stupidity were, in fact, an Element, you, my dear Drath, would bear it. You’ve led them all here, knowing death awaited them. You know, I think I’ll save you for last, if only to see whether or not somepony really can die from sheer shame. And at the end, at the very end, Drath, I will be doing everypony a little favor when I end your miserable existence. One small parting gift to the world, you might say.”

“No you won’t,” I said confidently.

“Oh?” She laughed again, chillingly. “And why is that?”

“Because it’s been a minute,” I announced with pride. “Twilight, save my ass!” I waited confidently. And then waited less confidently. And then looked at Twilight. “That actually means ‘save all of me...’”

“I think I’ve figured that phrase out,” she said apologetically. “But it’s only been forty-five seconds. Could you give me another few?”

My disbelieving stare was met only with earnest innocence. I looked over at a Nightmare Moon, and, well, to say that she was “put out” would not have done justice to the look she gave me. “Homicidal rage consuming her entire being, and a desire to end my life, tempered only by the desire to see me suffer longer” would definitely have been closer.

“Um... would those have included maple bars?” Her expression didn’t change a hair. “Old-fashioned, glazed? Buttermilk bars?” The dark nimbus that gathered around her horn told me that she’d made the whole “kill him quickly” vs. “prolonged torture” decision, and I have to say I wasn’t overly curious to find out which one she picked. Intellectually, I decided this was time for another tactic, so I intelligently hid behind Fluttershy. “Twilight, helllllllllllllllllllllllp!”

“I’ve got it!” Twilight cried out. “Hit her again, girls! Not you, Drath.” The rainbow swept over Nightmare Moon again, bringing forth a bored roll of her eyes.

“Drath,” Twilight ground out as she concentrated. “Your Element! Use it around her!”

“But she’s shielded,” Dash objected before I managed to say it. Really. Another week and I would’ve thought of that one.

“And if her shield were airtight, she’d suffocate,” Twilight answered. And thinking of that particular point would have only taken me... Um.

I worked my Element and, well, I can confidently report that it might have been doing something. You do know that, for me, that’s boundless optimism, right?

Nightmare Moon giggled. This was a good sign. Or a bad sign, come to think of it, if she was only laughing at how ineffectual I was. Or merely a coincidence; she might have just remembered a particularly funny joke. Never mind.

“Pour it on, everypony!” Twilight shouted. “The gas will weaken her concentration!”

“Foalish foals!” Nightmare roared. “If you even think that you... Wait, that was repetitive, wasn’t it? Um. Foalish... Um.”

“Yes!” I exulted. I’m doing something right! And no way am I saying that out loud.

“If you think...” The Princess of Night, mistress of nightmares, and potential destroyer of all life giggled again as the storm of color around her wavered and pressed inward. “Wooooooh. Heh. Where was I? Something about endless night and the destruction of all life on Earth? Something? Come on, a little help here?” Shaking her head, she staggered back a little and into the entryway.

“More!” Dash yelled. “I think we’re almost through!”

“We’ll have our princess back any time now!” Applejack drawled.

“Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooh.... Pretty colors.” The Princess of Night wobbled a bit on her hooves, stepped back again... and slipped on a wet spot at the top of the stairs. “Whoopsies!” She fell back, out of sight. A series of painful-sounding thuds, thumps, and giggles descended the spiral staircase as the mares traded increasingly horrified looks, before the echoes faded out in the distant depths.

“Oh my,” Fluttershy fretted. “I do hope she’s OK.”

“She’ll be fine,” Applejack assured her. “She’s tough. Right, Twilight?”

Twilight nodded, hesitantly, as we all crept toward the door. “Sure. Alicorns are about the toughest things around. The odds are she’ll just need some bandaging and she’ll be fine.”

“Odds?” Rarity inquired delicately, still concerned.

“Well, very rarely, an oxidizer like nitrous oxide combined with an intense source of magic can cause a rogue exponential exothermic event.”

I had a strong suspicion that, this time, I finally wasn’t alone in my ignorance. “In Engl... In whatever language the rest of us are speaking, Twilight?”

There was a rumble deep within the tower, and, hard on its heels, a sudden blast of pressure and heat erupted through the door, where it caught us up and slammed us down against the shaking floor. It echoed around the room, assaulting our eardrums for a fraction of a second that seemed like forever, before dying down. There was a very long pause indeed as dust settled from the ceiling and we got to our hooves, nobody quite looking at anybody else.

I broke the awkward silence. “Never mind, Twilight. I think I’ve figured it out.”

“I still have the bandages...” Rainbow Dash started hopefully, before Twilight shook her head.

Rarity was aghast. “And I think we have a new ‘Worst. Possible. Thing.’ How are we ever going to explain this to her sister?”

“OK, repeat after me,” I said helpfully. “‘I have no idea what happened. She was like that when we got here.’” I looked from mare to mare. “No takers, huh?”

After a few tense minutes, a light floated through the window before resolving itself into the Princess of the Sun. “My Little Ponies! I could feel when Nightmare Moon’s grip on Luna failed her. Well done! I’m so proud of each and every one of you!” She smiled beatifically at them all, but the smile faded a little as she looked around. “But where is my little sister?”

Twilight spoke up. “She’s...”

“My beloved sister, whom I love like no one else in the world?”

Twilight tried again. “She’s...”

“The sole remaining member of my family, and the only link to a world I lost uncountable millennia ago?”

“She’s...”

“And who just last month agreed to donate a kidney to me? Even if I didn’t need it, but just wanted one to have around. Because that is the kind of sweet, loving sister she is.”

Twilight stared at Celestia in what looked like disbelief, surrender, or both, then simply shrugged and looked at me.

“...Downstairs,” I finished for her.

Celestia looked at me with concern. “Is she alright?”

“I don’t believe she’s feeling any pain right now, your Highness.” You might think that putting off the inevitable was incredibly stupid. But then, you should know me by now.

“That’s... true,” Twilight said slowly, probably trying to think of a way to break it to her gently.

“Indubitably,” Rarity supplied.

“She’s not even unhappy,” Pinkie added, smiling, or at least trying to.

“I think she’s... resting?” Fluttershy said quietly. “Peacefully?”

“And by now, she just might be… um... twenty percent cooler?” Dash added, before wincing as an outraged Rarity cuffed her.

“Probably ‘cuz she’s dead,” Applejack explained.

“AJ!” I glared at the Element of Honesty, who shrugged helplessly back at me.

“I see,” Celestia said slowly, before turning away. “I’m sure you tried everything you could,” she assured us, her voice tight. “You must not blame yourselves. Please, my little ponies, I think I need some time to myself. If you could wait for me outside?”

We left silently, heads bowed. I also, however, looked from the damp spot on the stairs... to Gummy, where his head poked out of Pinkie’s pack... and back to the damp spot on the stairs. He blinked at me, and licked one of his eyeballs. The message was clearly one of two things; it was either “I’m watching you,” or “My eyeball was dirty.” Myself, I kept an eye on him in turn, very carefully, all the way down the stairs and out of the castle.

My gaze never wavered. On the positive side, that way I didn’t have to see what was left of poor Luna. On the down side, it’s also how I walked into another tree.

==========

Celestia walked slowly out of the castle, and simply stood there a while, silently, before speaking. “I must thank you all. Though this ended in sorrow, I have to remind myself that my subjects do, and always must, come first. Your courageous service for the crown...” She trailed off, swallowed, and continued, her voice hollow. “Your courageous service for me and your fellow ponies will not go unrewarded.

“Twilight Sparkle.”

“Princess?”

“I’m afraid I must simultaneously reward and burden you. I will be taking leave as soon as it can be arranged, and I fear the responsibility of rule must fall for a time upon you and Cadance. I have two words of advice for you. Foremost is that you trust and rely on your friends. You are always at your finest with them by your side.”

“Yes, Princess,” Twilight said softly.

“And second, be careful of changelings. Rumor has it that they’re everywhere.”

“...Yes, Princess.”

“The rest of you will be rewarded with compensation from the royal treasury, and whatever appointments that Twilight sees fit. Watch over her, please.” With this, her voice caught. “Watch over my faithful student very carefully, I beg each of you. She’s all I have, now.”

At that, the other mares moved as if to walk to her, but she shook her head.

“Drath.”

“Yes, Princess?”

“You have proven yourself worthy of the Seventh Element.” I looked back at the other bearers, who all nodded eagerly.

“I don’t know how you fooled Nightmare Moon,” Twilight said. “To think that you, of all ponies, could be some kind of idiotic coward.” She shook her head in disbelief.

Rarity nodded firmly. “Indeed! It’s obvious to anypony that you’re a gentlestallion of excellent bearing.”

“I’m sure,” Celestia said somberly. “But Drath, you can live a life of honor and service, should you choose to remain.”

“I think... I think I’d like that, your Highness,” I said. Now that the danger was over, these little ponies were, after all, some of the nicest people I’d met. And I technically didn’t have to go anywhere near trees. But then, because I’ve had many days of experience being me here, I asked, “What kind of service?”

Celestia sighed. “It seems that my... this land, and my little ponies, are threatened with some cataclysm every year.”

“Like I said, I’d like that, your Highness.” I threw my chest out and looked into the distance. “But I’m afraid my planet needs me.” Pinkie walked over and tried to follow my gaze.

“And we couldn’t possibly change your mind?” Celestia asked gently.

I looked from mare to mare. “I’m sorry, your Highness. You’ve all been really great, and in all honesty it’s been a blast to know each of you. Even Pinkie. But this just isn’t my world.” My world involves far fewer things trying to kill me.

She nodded gravely. “I can respect that. Then it’s time to say your farewells.”

I turned to the other bearers. “I’m sorry about the...”

“We understand,” said Dash.

“And about...”

“It’s OK, darling,” Rarity assured me.

“And when I was a complete and total fu...”

“It’s all right,” Twilight said with that same small smile.

“And the part where I almost ran away, screaming.”

“Which one, sugarcube?” Applejack wondered.

“Ok,” I said with a sigh. “The parts where I almost ran away, screaming.”

Applejack laid a gentle hoof on my withers. “You’re forgiven, hon. For all of them.”

“Thanks, AJ,” I said gently. “And I’m sorry about...”

“That one was a bit nasty,” Pinkie interrupted with a frown, then looked up and threw her forelegs around me in a stronger hug than I would have expected. “But you’re still forgiven.”

Their necklaces took on their shimmer and I found myself, gently and painlessly, a human again before Pinkie let go.

Just then, a mint green pony burst out of the trees. “A human!”

Twilight, eyes wide, suggested, “Maybe you ought to hurry.”

“Who?”

“Lyra. I didn’t know this before, but apparently she’s...” But it was too late. She ran up to me and examined me from head to toe (I was still missing my shoes, after all).

“A human! I heard you have one of those noble, handsome beings here.” She looked to me again, then turned to Twilight. “Well? Where is it?”

As my self-esteem finally hit zero, the world faded into mist, then resolved itself into my car (miraculously undamaged) and, outside that, the parking lot of the grocery store. A quick glance at my iPad showed the date I’d left.

So that’s it. My trip through the looking glass. There and back again. Just sit right back and you’ve heard the tale. Since then I’ve gotten hints that I wasn’t their first visitor and, unless everyone else has more luck, I won’t be their last. And I’ve heard Apple fixed their maps, but I’ve used Google since. I did have to buy new shoes, after all, and those aren’t cheap.

I haven’t told anyone. I mean, I wrote it up as a story, but nobody’s going to believe me. I’m not sure even I believe me. The point of making it a story is that, while people won’t believe me, they also won’t put me in a rubber room. Personally I think it could make for a good movie, but the one entertainment-type I talked to said it couldn’t even go on TV. Or direct to DVD. When he mentioned “direct to View-Master” as a possibility, I kind of gave up. I’ve settled back into my normal life of work, junk food, and video games.

Still... I think you never come back wholly unchanged from an experience like this. For some people, they’d find that the world’s just a bit larger than they ever thought it was. For others, they’d know that, somewhere out there, they’ve got a friend. And even if that friend is never met again, even if that friend lies beneath a different sky at night, that friendship is still something special. Something magic. Feel free to quote me.

Me? I’ve started eating more apples. When I eat one, I think of that land of magic and friendship. And I think it’s somehow my revenge on all those damned trees.

There was, though, a note on the iPad...

==========

So, the big climax! Big being relative, right? I mean, it was the biggest climax of this story, anyway. Except for whatever happened with Big Mac and Carrot Top. I did write that scene out, but, being the innocent and impressionable soul I am, I had to do it with my eyes closed, so I can’t tell it to you.

What’s the mysterious note? Is it thanks from a grateful Princess? Or a lurid love note from Celestia or Lyra or Gummy? A cupcake recipe from Pinkie? A cheap literary hook? Directions on how to get back? My money’s on “cheap literary hook,” but you never know! So stay tuned for the next chapter of Based on a True Story, even though the most important parts are pretty much done with! Same Drath Time! Same Drath Channel!

Oh, and only read below this line if you aren’t afraid of spoilers.

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Darth Vader was Luke’s father!
Rosebud was his sled! (No, not Darth Vader’s)
Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense was dead all along!
Luna isn’t dead! What? She’s still got lines left -- I checked. Yeah, it surprised me, too.