In The Name of Science

In The Name of ScienceChapter Six: The Science of  Cause and Effect     It was black.     I was floating, drifting, careening through an endless dark void. Everywhere that I looked, was only more black, only more nothing. It was as if I were under the sea, deep into the pits of the lowest fissure where no sunlight could shine. I could barely see the hand in front of my own face-- Wait. Hand. It was as pink and hairless as the day I was born. No fur, no claws, only flesh.     No...I couldn't have been underwater. I could breathe and I was as dry as a bone in the dessert and warm as cat beside a fireplace.      Where was I? How did I get here? Why am I human again?     Those questions went unanswered as I toppled through infinity. I don't know how long it could have went on; I just assumed that it would do this for the rest of eternity.     But it didn't. Soon I heard a voice, it was little more than a dull whisper than anything else. No, make that whispers. A thousand and one tiny voices in my mind, rattling around in my head like a hive of bees. They all said the same thing; thief...thief, thief, and thief over and over again. They wanted me to know, I was a thief.     They all went silence at once. Sweet, sweet silence.      Then, without any warning, two slits of dull grey light appeared before me. Twin lines of brightness stood next to one another, barely thicker in than my pinky finger. At once the lines began to expand their width, to release more and more lignt and bombard my sight with their glow.     Then I realized, they were eyes.     Two shining ovals without pupils stared deeply at me, and I stared back. Then came a voice, booming with anger and intensity that shook me to my very core.     "THOU ART A THIEF, SILUS WHITE!"Loading, please wait. . .    I woke up in a cold sweat.      "Shhhhhit..." I let out a deep, cleansing breath of relief as all of my sanity came rushing back to me at once. It was just a dream. Thank god, it was just a dream.     Ohh, why did my back hurt so much? Fluttershy's couch was supposed to be soft and velvety, but what it really felt like was a hardwood floor. And my head, too. Christ...it felt like someone had beat it against the wall a few times while I was sleeping. Apparently bad dreams weren't restful ones. I really needed the rest.     It was pitch black, but thankfully not like the dream. What time was it anyway? How long had I been asleep?     'Silus.'     "Hiya, professor. How's it hangin'?" I blearily greeted, suppressing a yawn.     'Fine. Silus, listen to me,' His voice was no longer that usual monotone he had, it was more urgent and strained 'you have to get out of here immediately.'     "Pi, you're wigging me out here. What's going on?" What could possibly get the nutty professor's panties in such a knot? Well, besides me.     'You mean to say don't recall? Blast! They must have drugged you.'     "Drugged? I wasn't drugged. I feel f--" I tried to get up from the couch, but both of my arms were restricted,  like they were tied with rope. "Woah!"     'Quiet, you imbecile!'     "Sweet Mother Mary, what the hell is going on?" I hissed as quietly as I could.     'I'm not entirely sure. Last night you were knocked out by something. I can only see through your eyes, so neither of us saw who or what it was. It's likely that you've been abducted.'     I slunk back into my bed--or whatever it was. "That's like some laser-guided karma or someshit."     'Is that so? I highly doubt it.'     "It is, though. I steal one diamond, just ONE, and I get ottsel-napped the minute that I fall asleep. If that isn't some higher power, I dont know what is."     'We can discuss your illogical superstitions later, but you need to find a way out first. Do you still have your multitool?'     I wriggled my arms around in their bonds trying to get them loose enough to feel up my belt for the dagger. It turned out that I was completely naked, pants, shirt, jacket, even my underwear. They took my undies. Let's forget the fact that I was roofied and abducted, that stuff happens all the time. But why would they take my freakin' boxers? What would they do with them? I could only conjure up incredibly answers to that disturbing question.     "No, it's gone. All my clothes are gone."     'How tight are the bonds?'     I pulled and tested whatever had me tied down; it was coarse and scratchy like common rope. "Too tight to break."     Somewhere on tne other side of Ponyville, Pi let out an exasperated sigh 'Then you've nothing to do but wait.'     "Until what?" I flinched as soon as the question was asked. Someone who snatches you in the middle of the night and ties you up isn't planning on doing anything friendly. Or perhaps they had in mind something a little too friendly. Yeeugh, bad thought. Out, damned thought!     'Do you truly want me to answer that question?'     "No, not really."     'Good.' And then I laid in silence.     Soon, I thought I heard a muffled voice. It was faint, I almost thought that it was my imagination. I had to strain my hearing, but I could confirm that it wasn't just me. The voice was masculine, and kinda deep like mine.     A faint orange light poured into the room as a door somwhere on the other side was thrown open, it wasn't bright enough to see very well by, but it was a step up from not seeing at all. I caught a dim glimpse of where I was. This place had no windows or other doors, and it was filled with utterly generic silhouettes of furniture; boxes and tables and the like.     Standing menacingly in the doorway was the shadowy figure of a pony, his face and colors obscured to me.     "Well well, lookie who got 'imself in a real pickle." This new stallion had a serious British (Trottingham?) accent. Like a really cheesy, cliché spy movie kind of accent. Me being the American who's lived his life on NYC cable TV, I immediately wanted to start making Doctor Who and Monty Python references, kuz that's about the full extent of my knowledge of the guys over the Atlantic that doesn't involve World War II or Shakespeare.     After him, a slightly shorter and much more petite and feminine pony shape trotted in and took a spot right beside the other. "I'm tellin' ya, Emerald, I say we just give him another one of those "forget-me-now" pills and dump him on the street."     The other spun around and konked the other over he head, making a sound not unlike hitting a hollow coconut with a hammer. "Don't use our real names! That's why I'm in charge and you're suppoded shut up and let me do the talkin', ya daft dimbo."     "Well, sorr-eey." the second huffed back at the first.     "Now," Emerald took a few paces foward until he was towering over me like a...well, a tower. "I believe you've got sumthin' that ain't yours."     Oh dear god in heaven! Rarity found out. I don't know how she did it, or how she knew where I was sleeping, or how she reacted so fast, but she must have been pissed! These guys are probably hired muscle to come and beat the shit out of me and take the diamond back. Problem is that it's just dust now! Oh hell, oh hell, oh hell.     There was only one thing to do at a time like this: grovel. Grovel like a scared little child.     "For the love of all that is good and holy, I'm sorry!" I wailed in the most masculine way that I could manage, which wasn't very much so at all.     The two didn't seem to react at all, they just shared a brief look with one another, so I went on. "Listen, guys, I had to do it, I just HAD TO! If I didn't I'd be... I'd uh-- I'd die! I'd starve! My family would starve! My daughters and sons and aunts and grandmas and mothers--GAH!"      With a hiss of metal against (probably fake) leather, I suddenly found myself with a razor-sharp steel blade hovering nearly an inch away from my nose. "For tha' love 'a Celestia, keep ya yapper closed!" the Brit warned.     My entire body seized up with animalistic fear the moment that he ran the smooth end of his knife over my exposed belly. If it wasn't for the fact that I hadn't eaten at all this day save for that one nasty healing elixir, I would've shat myself. 'No no no no NO!' was the only word running through my head as he lightly prodded the side of my leg with the pointy end.     "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" I wailed at the top of my lungs.     The knife went to my jugular vein. "You bloody well better know what I want! The diamond! Where's the fuckin' diamond?!" This elicited some shrill giggles from the mare, who was content to stand by and watch me squirm.     "It's gone!"       Then I got the first good look at his face. This Emerald guy lived up to his moniker, that's for sure. He had a coat of the same deep green as the gem he was named for, caked with dry mud all over, and an iron grey mane that was cut into a cropped flat top. His chocolate brown eyes lit up with fiery hatred as soon as the words left my mouth.      My captor's voice became quieter and less intense "That," he said dangerously "had better be a lie. If it isn't, so help me..."     "I went through his shit," the mare chimed in "he's got a pretty-lookin' knife, a bit of cash, and a pack of smokes, but that's it."     A wave of halitosis washed over and assulted my nostrils as he scoffed. "Then I guess we ain't got no use for 'im."     An icy shiver ran its way down my spine as the dirty stallion pressed the rusty dull knife up against my exposed throat. I clenched my teeth to keep from screaming. There was no way out of this now; I was caught between a brick wall and a pony who wanted my blood. Nowhere to run, no way to fight, I was at his complete mercy, and he wasn't looking to be in a merciful mood.          My god... Ten minutes ago, Equestria was a land of sunshine and rainbows. What the hell happened between then and now?      "Wait!" I hollered, feeling my adams apple rub against the blade as I spoke.     He removed the knife from my neck.     "I can repay Rarity for what I did, honestly. I'll do anything in my power to fix this. I can work it off, even if it probably will take me years to--"     Emerald let out a harsh bark of laughter "Ha! You think I'm 'ere for that pretty thing that runs the shop?"     "Um, yes?"     "Well, you're wrong. I don't give a bloddy fuck for the mare, I just want loot! Loot that was rightfully mine to take and not yours!"     "Well, technically," My inner smartass took complete control over my mind "It isn't either of ours. By rule of first-come first-serve, it's all mine."     He plunged the kinfe into the makeshift bed not a hairs width away from my right arm, forcing me to scream like a little bitch. "You don't know the Celestia-cursed rules 'a thievery, do ya?"     "There are rules?" I asked myself more than him "Rules to thieving? That's one helluva contradiction, my friend."       "I ain't nopony's bloody friend." he shot back. Taking the knife in his mouth, he began to carve into the wooden table between my side and my armpit. He finished a little wood doodle, it was that same backwards F that I saw on Rarity's door!      "I take it you don't have a clue what that means, do ya now?"     I could probably make a good guess, but this guy didn't seem to be in the mood to play Twenty Questions. I instead shook my head 'no.'     He was all up in my face when he yelled "It means OWNED! BY! ME!" He emphasized those last three words by pounding his hoof on the table, creating a terrible shock each time.     For the first time in my life, I had no idea what to do or say. There didn't seem to be a way out of this that didn't end up with me being turned into a furry orange hat or a nice scarf. There were literally no magic words that could get me ot of this dire situation. He wanted what I didn't have, and he was likely willing to torture for it. I was powerless to do anything but accept my fate. Crap... this planet is hell-bent on killing me! I wasn't here for fourty eight hours and I've nearly bitten the dust one time too many. Had it not been for Fluttershy, I would've been red paste on somepony's front lawn. It was my own stupidity that--     'No.' I stopped that train of thought. 'This was all Pi's fault and I knowit. Heforced me to steal. I'm the innocent one here, after all.'     But why didn't it feel that way?     I was torn from my inner monologue when the pony returned his piece to my throat. "So, you say you don't got the diamond." He increased the pressure on the knife, drawing out a tiny bead of blood that snaked its way down my neck, leaving a thin trail of crimson liquid in its wake.     "This would be that part where you tell me where it went, savvy?"     I wanted to lie, I really did. The problem was, I'm a terrible liar. I always have been, I always will be. "It turned to dust." Oh geez, why did I tell the truth?     "Just slit his throat!" The other pony coaxed. "We ain't got time enough to--"     "Shut up!" Emerald harshly barked at his friend. "Killin' 'im won't turn his body into a diamond, now will it?"     "Maybe he swallowed it." The mare suggested with a tone of voice that made all of the fur on my body stand on end.     "Maybe he did." The dirty stallion let out an equally dark and malicious laugh. "Maybe we should cut him open and find out."     "Christ almighty! That thing's too huge for a guy like me to eat whole!"     The knife mercifully grew lighter on my throat as Emerald turned to the mare and said "He's got a point, you know. It was supposed to be pretty damn huge, from what I've heard."     "Oh, shove it up your plothole, Em."     Another chuckle that made me uneasy...well, uneasy-er. "Maybe later, love," he turned back to me with a crazed ceral killer-esque look in his eye "We need to ask our friend some painful questions first, heh heh."     "Now," he began caressing my entire body with that piece of his "I ain't exactly a rich pony. Not like that Rarity broad. I was brought up on grits and hay for every meal; breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I had to get by any way I could, and if those ways included lying, cheating, and stealing, so be it. I'd be taking from the rich and giving to the poor. The rich being everypony else and he poor being me an' my family. So, when I say that stealing my loot right out from under my nose is the same as stealing food right out of my mouth, I want you to know the full meaning of it." Almost thoughtfully, he ran the sharp part of the blade over my belly so that it didn't cut me, but did a good job of reminding me of how cold and unforgiving it was.     "I mean, by taking my loot, you took me and my family's livelyhood. That fine piece of ice could'a fed us for a good three months, easy. I could have stopped stealing for three months, that would'a been a nice vacation. But no, now I have to find a new hiest just to keep my life afloat. Ponyville doesn't have very good pickin's neither, but Celestia knows I can't afford to move someplace nice like Canterlot or Manehat--"     "Jesus H., man!" I cut him off shrewdly "Just torture me already! I don't want to starve to death while you monologue the day away. You think you've got problems? Try walking a mile in my feet, buddy. At least you still have the body that you were born with!"     At once, a hard hoof came at me with the force of of a speeding Voltswagon, followed by a severe trauma in my noggin. He had ht me square in the forehead. "It's rude to interrupt ponies like that!"     "Owww..." I tried to shake the stars from my head, to no avail. I could have sworn I saw a trio of Fluttershies flying in a circle around my head like this was a freaking episode of Looney Toons. Screw you, cartoon universe.     Bah. I needed a cigarette, like, right then and there. That would make things go a hell of a lot smoother. "Hey," I said "I'll tell you where the diamond is if you give me my smokes."     The earth pony scowled. "Oh will you now?"     "Yep. Totally."     "Well excuse me if I find that hard to belive."     "What have you got to loose? I need to light up, you need to get a diamond. We can make this work."     He nickered, kind of like a real horse did. Woah, I didn't see that coming. "You're a bad liar." (He was right,  you know. I always was terrible at it.) "But hey, It's not like I'm gonna smoke 'em, then." He stepped into a part of the room that was obscured by shadow. He turned back around and spat the tin of tobacco into my lap.     I fumbled with my bonds until I managed to skick one of them in the corner of my mouth. "Little help here." I used my tongue to waggle the clearly unlit and unsmokeable cigarette at him. With his brow furrowed in aggravation, Emerald wordlessly struck a match and lit it up.     I took a deep, cleansing breath... and suddenly my mind cleared. I let it out slowly, making sure not to cough and drop the lit cigarette on my chest and possibly burn a patch of my fur to ashes. I suddenly felt a hell of a lot better; like I could actually get out of this on my own, like I would live to see a second day in Equestria.     Emerald flicked the smoldering spent match to the side "Better now?"     I blew out a cloud of hazy smoke in his face, eliciting a low growl from the stallion. "Much better."     "So where's the damn rock?"     I flicked a bit of excess ash on the floor since he hadn't had the sense to bring me an ashtray "Disintegrated. It's just a pile of useless ash right now."     "I told ya he'd lie about it!" the otherwise quiet mare chimed in.     Emerald said nothing in return, he simply leered a little harder at me. "If you don't want to tell us, fine. Be that way." He glanced at his mare friend, and with a malicious grin, he said "It looks like torture after all." Without another word of warning, he took the knife into his mouth like a flash. He craned his neck high, poised to make a slash at one of my appendages. I didn't even have time to process this, the only reaction I could muster was my face contorting into a grimace of primal fear as he--     "STOP." An athorative voice from behind sounded out, causing the stallion to freeze in place, the blade within an inch away from my right arm. I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding.     "Thank god for plot conveniences!" I immediately cried.     Another silhouette atop the staircase. Damn, why didn't this guy have the decency to light up a torch when he's about to torture somebody. This one ambled slowly down the steps, like a zombie or senior citizen or something. He stopped just at the base of the steps.     "Emerald Coast," his voice was creaky and gruff, like that of a typical old man. His tone was commanding though, suggesting that this old guy wasn't feeble at all. For the record, he too had a British accent, but it was barely perceptible compared to My. Knifehappy. "Leave the poor colt alone. He's had a rough night."     Then Emerald's-- Emerald Coast, as the stallion sugested-- mood shifted to something I didn't expect of your typical monologing maniac: regret. Whatever the relationship he had with pony number three was like, it was clear who really called the shots.     The knife slid back into its sheath where it could do me no bodily harm. Silus White--Two, Death--Nada. It's good to be the main character of a fanfic.     "We're not supposed to use our real names..." Emerald grumbled like a child being scolded by his mother.     "I know," the old guy said nonchalantly. "but I don't think it will matter soon enough."     "But uncle--" Uncle?     "Ah ah. Don't question your elders." Emerald stepped aside so that the new pony could come foward to look me in the eye. This guy had a long, raggedy mane of chocolate brown that fell around his royal blue muzzle,  giving me the impression of a ponified hobo.     He smiled warmly,  revealing a set of yellowed teeth. "Excuse my nephew's eagerness, he's still a bit new to the game."     "I've been doing it since I was a kid!" the younger one cut in indignantly.     "And this 'ere colt has enough talent to suprass your experience in one night!" the elder shot back.     "Wait wait wait," I said before things could get out of hand. "is this the thing where you guys do the good cop-bad cop? Kuz I've seen enough crime movies to know where this is going."     The elder dropped his smile and leaned in a little closer so that I and him could only hear our conversation. His voice wasn't as friendly as it had been, in fact it sounded downright dangerous. "Trust me, son. If we were really doing that, it's me who'd be the bad cop." He pulled away and returned to that pleasant tone of voice. "Quite the contrary, my friend. In fact, let's get these bonds off of you."     "Huh?" I said.     "Huh?" Emerald echoed.     The elder held out his hoof to Emerald "Give me the knife, please."     "What are--?"     "The knife, boy!"     Reluctantly, the nephew drew his piece and hoofed it over. With a snap and a twang, the ropes holding me down were no more. I quickly untied the knots with my nimble ottsel fingers and tossed the lengths of rope to the side.     Rubbing my rope-burned wrists, I said "Thanks, but..."     "Hmm?"     "Why?"     Those yellow teeth returned as a childlike giddy grin spread across the old guy's face. "I think you'd make a wonderful addition to our little outfit."     "What?!" Emerald Coast and the mare all but screamed.     "Lad," he said with a glint in his eye "would you like to join The Family?"     "Uhmmm, yes." I answered quickly.     Wait, WHAT?!     "Splendid!"    What did I just do?