Neither Here Nor Mare

Bitter Ends

(Or The Truth Hurts)

We wended our way to the right side of the common space and I couldn’t help smiling at the group of foals as we passed them, smiles all round and various bottles of paint and brushes strewn about under the watchful eye of one of the human staff as they painted. I want to call it finger painting but it's kinda hard when none of them have fingers any more. Stopping to look at my own hoof I couldn’t help feeling a keen sense of loss, all those things I probably took for granted that I'd no longer be able to do without them..

"Hi"

Putting it back down revealed a small purple face beaming up at me with big pink eyes, a wet picture in their mouth. She had orange and yellow paint splotches smeared across her cheeks and a dab of blue on her horn. The other foals seemed to be watching our exchange intently, muttering while waiting for my reaction.

"I pairnted yoo" She added excitedly. I had to turn my head a little and squint just a bit, but I have to admit it did sorta look like me, the bandages looked wrong though. "why am I in a straitjacket?" I was tempted to ask but those eyes just looked so happy and innocent.

"Uh, yeah its..nice, looks just like me, thank you" I finally managed to get out before she went cantering off back to the table excitedly, speaking to some of the others faster than I could keep up. I only caught one of the remarks "..told you she was crazy"

"Even the kids think I'm crazy" I rolled my eyes, spotting Dr. Remedy I caught up with him, ducking into a room with waterproofed linoleum flooring and a low plastic table fixed in its centre. It quickly struck me that it looked more like a veterinary clinic than a human one, kinda fitting I guess but still kinda creepy. I still wasn't ready to abandon my humanity completely, not just yet.

Dr Remedy shut the door before gesturing to a measuring device near the wall. "OK, if you could just move over to the wall there, I'll take a few measurements and we can get started" he said cheerfully.

He spent the first few minutes checking my height from hoof to poll, then my length and the size of my barrel. I did begin to wonder why such a tedious job had gone to an earth pony when it required tape measures and fine movements, but it did give me time to think more. I knew I had to find some way to talk to Dr Weiss or Antonia again but the problem was going to be when.

I jolted as my right wing was lifted. "OW watch it, that was wrapped for a reason!" I snapped testily.

The physician pony, whom I now knew was actually a vet had my wing unwrapped and the carpal joint in his lips with the wing half spread. He let it go gently at my protest where it began twitching.

"My apologies, I did ask you to raise it but you seemed to be off in the clouds. I'm sorry if that hurt, but your notes do specify that they need to be checked." He  seemed to take things a little slower after that. Probably because of my outburst.

Checking my wings didn’t take long, him asking me to raise them both as far as I could, checking the range of motion while pausing to write down numbers and notes every few seconds. He was also kind enough to name the parts of my new limbs: Primaries, Secondaries, Axillaries, Culverts.. I'd had no idea they were that complex and gained a new appreciation for them.

My left wing seemed OK, all the feathers were present, I could tilt it forward and back, fully extend it or tuck it tight, I could even rotate the very tip feathers,

When I tried the same with the right it was a different story, I could barely lift and stretch it out to half way without it quivering, half the primaries had been removed and all but two of the secondaries were missing.

The way he kept making "hmm" and "ahh" noises and the way his face kept scrunching were a bit worrying but then he moved on to check my mouth, I already knew that I couldn’t stand the smell of meat, but it was interesting to know why and exactly how that part of me changed.

"We aren't quite like normal equines, but close enough that we're vegan by design, no  canines, you have incisors but they aren’t as sharp as a humans. Basically our teeth are designed for grinding, not rending." He explained, managing to fit an entire hoof in my mouth as he checked them.

I felt like I should ask something "So I couldn't eat meat even if I wanted?"

"You could probably pulverise it into swallow-able form but I'd advise against it, you won't be able to digest it and all you'll do is make yourself ill." The look on his face told me these were words of personal experience.

"Lift your right hoof please? Other right." he added with a chuckle as I initially lifted the left one.

I giggled and flinched as he brushed that funny little bit in my hoof, I'd always thought a horses hooves were solid but there’s a soft bit in the middle called a frog and its very sensitive.

He finished checking the other three despite my giggling like a filly.

"Well there isn’t any damage to your hooves, you'll need to keep them manicured to keep them from splitting out at the edges if you walk on hard surfaces a lot."

Next were my ears, followed by my nose, then my eyes. The light he shone in them made them water and I grimaced at a fleeting memory, of pain and light spots. I decided not to say anything.

With that he busied himself finishing up notes while I occupied myself by spreading my good wing,  reminding myself of the names of the different parts.

My mind wandered back to how badly mashed the other wing was,  I couldn't fly with just one. What was the point in having wings if I was going to be grounded? Luckily Dr. Remedy had finished his notes before I could start dwelling on it too much.

"Well young lady, your wing is a little concerning but hopefully it will heal given time, other than that you're in fine health for a mare of 14, possibly the fittest I've seen this week. Now I'd just like to take another blood test and you're all set to.."

"Waitwaitwait!" I interrupted "that can't be right, I went to college already, I'm 24, not 14"

I walked over, trying to see the notes over his shoulder, I couldn't make heads nor tail of the details in it but he moved aside for me to look anyway. Both of us a little perplexed.

"Are you sure you aren’t remembering incorrectly? The notes are right here." The brown pony flipped pages of my records, there must have been a good dozen or so, right back to the 2nd page where the initial summary was.

"See here? According to the initial medical reports you're between 13 and 16, though I'd say you can't be a day over 14"

It still made no sense to me, but something else had caught my eye. the first few pages had slipped out of the manilla folder and were poking out at an angle.

Female equinoid admitted at 02:43 hrs.  No identification present, conscious but not compos mentis, patient has deep lacerations to right shoulder area and face, bleeding from cranial contusions, severe dislocation of ri..

My sudden interest hadn't gone unnoticed as Dr. Remedy closed the folder. Carefully straightening the pages with his hooves, he gave me a similar stern but caring look as Antonia had that morning.

"Miss Summer, I know you want to know how you arrived, while I can't deny you outright, as your doctor I would ask that you think carefully before requesting your medical record.  Your well being is the top priority now and I agree it wouldn’t help get wound up, particularly in your current state of recovery. Just know that you are a very lucky young mare to be making such a swift recovery."

His expression went from solemn to sunny again, back to how he'd been while I was laughing my tail off.

We continued the conversation as he took a blood sample, my wing distracting me from the quick scratch of the needle in my thigh.

"As for your age, we have had a few other cases like this, equines seem to have better health by default any way, but just consider the youthfulness as a trade off for the lack of thumbs." He smiled again, unclipping the vial, removing the needle and taping a cotton ball over the spot before opening the door to the common area, gesturing me out to where the smell of the evening meal was already permeating the air. I sniffed as I stepped out, Waldorf salad and...ooh, rice pudding. "Yum." I turned back to him, feeling a little happier at the prospect of food and with his reassurance that my wing would heal eventually. I was still getting used to my new voice but even I had to admit that accent it came with gave it a sweet, almost melodic flavour when I was cheerful. "Thank you Dr Remedy"

"Please Summer, we're not quite as formal here as a normal hospital, call me Herb or Herbal"

"Thank you  Herbal" I corrected my self before heading off to see if there was somewhere I could relax, today was barely half way through and I was already feeling exhausted and sore from all the prodding and poking.

Spotting bean bags near a group chatting away on the sofas in the corner, I decided it wouldn’t hurt to curl up for a bit, none of the sofa occupants seemed to mind as approached. Ignoring the snippets of conversation around me, I browsed through some of the magazines sat on a low coffee table but nothing really caught my eye. I was half tempted to hop on one of the big leather monstrosities but instead I settled in to one of the deep bean filled masses, wiggling to get it just right .

My wing was still throbbing a little and my thoughts went back to Herbal's diagnosis. I hadn't had wings when I was a human, but now I did I really couldn't wait to use them properly.   “How much longer would it take to heal? What kind of state had I been in for it to take more than five weeks? What if it didn't heal and I couldn't fly?” I cut the chain of questions off before they could continue. Maybe I could try soon, but right now I was content to stay right where I was. Curled up in the encompassing warmth of a bean bag, surrounded by others in the same situation as me, it only took a few minutes before I started to drift off to sleep.

I was angry and I felt sick. ”What the hell am I supposed to do now?”I kicked a discarded can, watching it spin off down the pavement. I shouldn't have told her so soon, I was sure she'd understand, I thought we'd known each other long enough and then whatever was in that drink..

I now had nowhere to stay in a foreign city and had nothing but my wallet and a bag of clothes to my name.

The club had been her idea. “Come check out the night life, it'll be fun.” That had worked out brilliantly, yeah. Instead of finally being together with her in her apartment, knowing,  I was alone getting soaked in the rain and it was dark. ”Why did I accuse her of spiking it too? Anyone could have slipped something in it, I'd left it for a full three minutes when I'd stormed off to the mens...I was an idio..urgh..”

The pain in my gut made me double over, 3am was no time to be ducking into alleyways but I'd rather keep my dignity than lose it out in the open, another tourist who can't hold their booze. Vomiting behind a dumpster until I was dry heaving, I wiped my face. I could have done with a shave today. I could feel stubble, thicker than my usual day old style I favoured for the ladies, this was longer but strangely finer.

Soaked, panting and alone. Maybe they'd thought it was hers, it felt like I'd been roofied but..argh!

My thoughts were cut off as I doubled over again, no vomit this time but the sensation of barbed wire ripping through my intestines, the pain was making me dizzy and sending me off balance. I reached a hand out to the wall for support.

My head was pounding harder now as lightning seemed to dance behind my eyes burning deep arcs across my line of sight, each one a bright flash before fading to purple. Another convulsion racked my body as I staggered deeper, trying to get as far away from the harsh street lights as I could, my shirt collar seemed to have tightened and I grappled with it, fingers numb and stiff, I felt my ears pop once, twice, then nothing, just the speedy thud of my pulse racing until that too was gone. I needed help, there were voices at the other end of the alley, towards where I was headed. “HELP!” I pleaded breathily.

They probably couldn't hear me so I tried again “Please help me...” my voice trailed off to a whisper, my lips moved soundlessly, still I stumbled forward.

The world started to spin as fire traced my spine, lancing out around my chest, waist and thighs in a vice like grip, I panicked, still struggling towards my goal, feeling like my very soul was on fire. I stripped off feverishly, landing hard on my hands and feet as I finished the task. A gout of  liquid pain erupted from my coccyx as my shoulder blades popped in unison with my jaw then suddenly, nothing. No sounds, no sight, not even a heart beat or a single dot.

As quickly as it went, the world was awash with sound again, every patter of raindrops causing strange sensations in my temples, and a world far more vivid than before with hues I couldn't even name.

I scrunched my eyes up to clear my head, my fingers and toes were still numb but there was no pain.

I gingerly crawled forwards, movements accompanied by a soft wet clip clop-clop, my vision was still swaying and I stumbled out into the open to be met by giants.

The group were twice my size, maybe more and all 5 had their backs to me. “heoolpf?” A voice not my own uttered my words, the simple request slurred and in a soft but pained tone.

They all stopped as one, the shortest turning to face me with the most sinister grin I'd ever encountered.

“Looks like we've got another of them freaks boys”

“Who's up for a pony ride?”

“Nah, it looks like a piñata, lets split it open and see what's inside”

A glob of alcohol laden spit bridged the gap between the last speaker and my self, landing on my face as a primal chill ran through me. ”not help”

I felt strange legs moving wide as I tried to stand up, casting a shadow ahead of me..not legs...wings? “n-no” that voice again, my voice. I backed up as a glint of metal caught my eye, a baseball bat being brought into view by one of the others, he hefted it to shoulder height as if getting ready to pitch.

“Go back where you came from ya little freak, you and the rest of yer kind”

I turned to run, a cramp forcing me back down to all fours as my mind tried to cover everything. "What, why, how, who? Freak, my kind?"

I tried again, I managed 4 steps this time but a glance back over my shoulder disorientated me as my head swung back further than a humans to look across a sea of dark orange, a pair of glistening wet wings and something silver looming closer.

CRACK!

The pain brought tears to my eyes as the wing on the right crumpled and ran crimson, folding under my legs and tripping me as it snagged beneath my foot. My chin hit the floor and the bitter tang of copper flooded my mouth as I bit my tongue,  three of the giants came to tower over me.

“Filthy little freak” The ring leader snarled, I felt the air rush from my lungs as he kicked. I had to get away, I squirmed into a corner between a crate and the wall but it only earned me another blow from the bat, this time across the face.

Stars burst across my vision and I curled up, my world becoming only pain once again. Sharp debris scratched me as I was mercilessly dragged from the wall I was against by my wings, wrenching them back too far and setting my shoulders ablaze.

I cried for my tormentors to stop, racked with sobs as I was punched, kicked and beaten. I hadn't asked for this, was this for what I did to Hannah? Oh Hannah, what if she thought I'd run off..? I looked up to the heavens, past my attackers and caught sight of that weird rift again, glowing in the night sky just below the moon like a ribbon.

“I'm sorry Hannah” They were the last words past my lips before another crack to my head sent me reeling, the world fading in and out in ever increasing lengths, words and sounds muffled as the attacks stopped.

A deep voice muttering in the tone one would use for frightened animals... A face swimming into view... ”Were they gone?... I know him from somewhere.”

The face looked worried as I became weightless, it felt like I was flying.. Something was over me now, I was moving. ”Oh look..a chin..a fuzzy chin.. These lights are too bright I wish they'd go away. Who's talking?”

”It's warm here..  Wuh? ....I'm a funny shape, is that bad?.. wings?..I have wings..   I-I think Imma take a nap now..”

“SUMMER!!” I woke to the sound of my name being yelled, hushed but close to my ear.

“Wha..?” Dr Weiss was crouching upside down, looking concerned, one of his hands was on my shivering barrel. It only took a moment to realise it was me upside down and that I was drenched in sweat.

I saw other ponies watching from my periphery as I eased myself over onto my side, careful to roll to my left and not my right. My bandages had come loose and my right wing was hanging limply from the bottom of its splint.

Dr Weiss was still crouched down, though the worry lines seemed to have melted from his face and he waved behind him, dismissing the other staff on standby. ”I wonder if he'd let me call him Sam?”

“You gave us quite the scare. One of the other patients called me when they saw you convulsing. Are you OK?”

I blinked again, yawning before answering, I was still shaking. “I had a nightmare, it was..”- I searched my mind for words to describe it but I couldn't grasp the level of offensive negativity I wanted. - “awful”.

I'd swear Dr Weiss' face was almost as expressive as a ponies, he did that little deep in thought look then asked. “Would you be willing to talk about it? It might help with your memory.”

I half stumbled, half rolled off of the beanbag. It smelled strongly of equine and fear and was putting me on edge. Even the occupants of the sofas had moved away from it.

“Ow, can we fix my bandages first?” I pleaded, my limp wing was merrily twitching away to itself, probably sat on a nerve.

Dr Weiss smiled warmly and directed me towards the room behind Antonia's check in desk. “Of course, then I'd like to discuss what you remember from the dream”

I wasn't so sure I wanted to, that face was still lingering in my minds eye with its frothing lips, eyes full of hate..

Something about Dr Weiss' tone hinted that he knew more than me but I brushed it off. I finally had a chance to talk to him. I wanted to know who fuzzy McChin was and just why I'd swapped a Y chromosome for an X. The dream made me feel cold and sick to my core, my subconscious already blotting some of it out. Except for Fuzzy McChin and..”What's her name.. damn it.. Holly, Hailey, Hope? “

My twitching wing prevented me thinking straight, well whoever she was she couldn't be that important or I'd remember. I followed Dr Weiss into the well furnished room, my second trip there today, and carefully bumped the door closed with my flank.