How to Train Your Draconequus

CHAPTER 2

If you’ve ever had the luck to have a Draconequus land on your head,  it can mean one of two things. One, that it was wholly accidental, which will almost always knock you out, and on occasion deliver a concussion. Two, that they’re trying to perform the ancient Draconequus mating ritual, which coincidentally also involves a concussion but entails a few other details as well that they wouldn’t let me talk about here.

Now, I didn’t land on the skinny little pseudo-human with blue hair and blue clothes intentionally, but considering it was an innocent fall that knocked him out and not the mating ritual, I’d say he got off pretty lucky. He wouldn't have survived that ritual, no way.

I rolled off the kid’s head and onto the ground, and as I tried to get to my feet I found that they failed me and I buckled back to the cement. I wasn’t just immobilized; it actually felt like I was sinking into the ground, like I was a spilled hot chocolate from Sugarcube Corner that was being absorbed by Ponyville soil.

Except I wasn’t hot chocolate. And this wasn’t Ponyville anymore {1} .

When I pulled myself together, I had the initial feeling of weightlessness, which was shortly followed by a lack of strength, lack of air, and a lack of overall personal style. My bones had been ungraciously morphed into twisted mockeries of their formal glory, and felt altogether unwelcome. Naturally, this was not my first transformation – I had been forced to change shape many times over the course of my reigns. No, what bothered me here was the sheer inability to change back into my true body. I was stuck in an alien tomb, tethered to an unfamiliar skeleton, something that by no means suited someone like me. To make matters worse, I only rarely transformed into conventional humans before, so I was already out of my element.

Not that these people were conventional humans {2} anyway. For one, their skin colors differed far more than the ones of your race: orange, blue, even green faces sprang to my vision. Secondly, the skeletons seemed to be a lot different, with much thinner abdomens and thinner legs. And finally, the hair. I don’t know how anyone could get their hair to look this ridiculous, but this guy seemed to have pulled it off pretty nicely: copious amounts of gel forced his hair backwards, so it looked like it was constantly facing some giant fan turned up to its highest setting {3}. Ugh, human fashion – just thinking about the ridiculous concept was enough to give me a headache.

And speaking of headaches... I thought, turning back to the crumpled figure. The flickering rays of a nearby streetlight danced across his dormant features, illuminating his shocked features: raised eyebrows, partially opened mouth, pale skin, the like. The beginnings of a bruise were twisting together over his left eye, and a thin vein of red trickled from his mouth to the gray pavement below {4}.

Well, he didn't look awful {5}, but he was by all means out cold, with a possible internal head injury. But it couldn't have been that bad.

Okay, I suppose it was that bad. Maybe not life-threatening, but definitely bad. I began to scan the square for some kind of doctor's office or hospital that I could drop this kid off at. Unfortunately, it was hard to see anything in such a dark environment. It was almost pitch-black out — around midnight, I'd say – and scouting out human buildings for a medical center would have been hard enough in the daytime. Then again, though, I supposed it was for the best it was nighttime now; I had the feeling humans didn't have too many awe-inspiring beings like me materialize out of statues and crush their civilians. {6}

I looked around the square again. My memory of human customs was blurry, to say the least, as this was my first prolonged visit to Earth in a long while. Did hospitals look the same here as they did in Equestria? I couldn't quite recall. Yet as I scoped out the area, my eyes fell upon a small, bright white building, with a red-and-white striped flag (which had a rather out-of-place row of white stars in one corner) hanging from the roof.

Well, it was a stretch from the Ponyville's hospital flag – we have a simple red cross on a white flag to signify our hospitals – but the red and white design was sort of similar. It'll have to do, I decided as I hoisted the boy over my shoulder and began to carry him across the street, towards the door of the white building I assumed to be a hospital. {7} Upon arriving, I dropped the kid down on the marble floor {8}, proceeded up the stairs leading up the house, and tried to open the door.

It was locked. I couldn't believe it. How incredibly stupid of these damn humans, to lock a hospital's doors at night. What about all the grievously injured out there, who inconveniently got injured after dark? Were they just supposed to tough it out until morning? Did I have to wait with this kid until these people woke up? {9} No! Of course not! I knocked on the door angrily, ready to give whoever answered a piece of my mind. Still no response. I inwardly cursed this dysfunctional species – this would never have happened in Ponyville.

I looked at the kid. More red saliva had begun to trickle out of his mouth, and I noticed there was somewhat of a hefty gash in his lip {10}. I needed to get this kid inside the building somehow, and before sunrise. I had a feeling what was happening here might look somewhat suspicious to a casual passerby. So once again hoisting this kid over my shoulder, I walked briskly around the hospital and scanned for some entry point I could dump this kid. Locked door, locked window, locked window... Aha! Two floors above me, I spied an open window, with a very conveniently placed drainpipe next to it. Bingo.

Now, the prospect of climbing a drainpipe in the dark might seem daunting, let alone when carrying a human on your shoulders. But I was the great Discord! I was not so easily deterred! The fires of my soul would never fail, come what may to my powers themselves! My willpower surged through me, surged as I tightened my grip on the boy, surged as I put one hand on the drainpipe, surged as I began to lift us an inch, six inches, a foot! Who needed powers? I was unstoppabl–

Crack.

A few moments later, I opened my bleary eyes, holding a piece of the drainpipe in my hand. Rust caked my eyes and face. Behind me, the boy began to stir, and to the east the sky began to grow a tad brighter. I rose to my feet. I was running out of time here.

Now, I’m not particularly proud of what transpired next. It might’ve been that my judgment was skewed from the all-too-recent loss of my powers, or from my fall from the drainpipe, or the strain of carrying this human runt around with me. {11} It might have even been that the effort of maintaining such a witty, overall fantastic personality was finally taking a long-overdue toll on my brain. {12} But whatever the cause, I looked up, and suddenly saw the answer to all my problems: a pair of tall green bins labeled 'recycling', and thought  That must be where patients wait to gain entrance to a hospital! I grinned at my discovery {13}. I got to my feet, brushed off the rust that now adorned my jacket, and reached behind me for the kid.

Who then bolted upright the second I touched him. His eyes snapped open, wild and confused, then focused on me, narrowed, and paused. Inwardly, I prepared myself for a feverish bout of questioning, followed by a rather poetic appraisal of the world he thought he lived in. I had seen this all go down before – non-magic being finds out magic exists, being is shocked, being goes on some long tirade about the world – and so as he opened his mouth, I flinched a little, preparing myself for the most existential of questions.

But no. The boy just shook his head, blinked, and said, "What the fuck?"

Ah, right. This was a human. And here I was expecting an intelligent stream of questions.

I cleared my throat. "Look kid, you're having a particularly bad dream right now, where you were flattened out by an interdimensional being. And he made you wear this thing." I pulled at the striped jacket. "Just go back to, uh, dream sleep, and next thing you know you'll be fine."

"Whoa, wait a sec," the kid gasped. "Bro, you look, like, exactly like me."

I rolled my eyes. "Don't flatter yourself, kid. Now go to sleep, I'm trying to do something here."

Now the horror was starting to set in on this kid's face {14}. "Tha- that's not normal, dude! Are you eve- you're not... you're not human!"

I had had enough of this, and I turned to survey the cans in front of me. "No, I'm not. I'm actually a shape-shifting, dimension-traveling Draconequus. You guys would call me a chimera. Hypothetically, if you had to choose being stored in one of those cans, which one would it be?"

The kid's eyes were as wide as Celestia's Royal Cake plates. He staggered awkwardly to his feet, and I smelled a whiff of alcohol on the kid's breath. What was he doing under that statue after midnight anyway? I wondered absently, as he frantically backpedaled away from me. "Help!" He began to call. "HEL–"

I had my limits. I was trying to help this kid, and here he was calling for help! So with one powerful lunge, I bounded forward and slapped my hand over his mouth. He spat at my hand, sending a froth of translucent saliva through my fingers {15}. "Listen, pup," I told him, anger starting to creep into my voice. "I fell on you. You are hurt. So shut up, sit down, and cooperate. I'm trying to get you inside one of those hospital crates."

The kid continued to struggle against me {16}, and with so with determination and even a little regret {17}, I leaned my head back, braced myself, and headbutted the boy – not hard enough to do any serious damage, but just enough to knock him back out again. I mean, he was going to a hospital anyway.

His breathing went back to normal, and I took my hand off of his mouth, hoisted him up, approached the hospital medical reception can. My head still stung a little. I sighed. "We've  got to stop bumping into each other like this," I muttered, and then dumped him into the hospital transport crate.

Gradually, I returned to the statue. The stars were growing dimmer, and the most distant of them were beginning to wink out. I leaned against the statue, which had now lost its last magical charges and had become solid again {18}. I leaned against it, utterly exhausted.

But I couldn't sleep here. It looked like the town square, after all, and someone who knew the kid whose body I was occupying might find and wake me. I picked myself up, rubbing my tired eyes. The boy's backpack was on the ground in front of me, and unwittingly, I grabbed it. It would make for a nice pillow.

Blearily, my eyes settled upon a nearby bunch of shrubs a block or two away. I was there in an instant: I plopped the backpack down, lay in the grass, rested my head on my makeshift pillow. Sleep was instantly upon me.

             **************************************

There's nothing like going from a relaxing dream about flying, fluffy, fiercely explosive bunnies to waking up in a shrub. If you've never experienced it, it's a truly miserable experience and I don't recommend it, no matter how appealing the occasional nap in a shrub can seem. It makes matters even worse if you're stuck in a strange world with humans, and as I lay there, contemplating my predicament, a grim unhappiness began to sink in.

It was time to start exploring the world like Celestia had asked. I rubbed my eyes, clearing odd yellow crumbs from my eyes (yet another strange human phenomenon), and poked my head out.

The square looked utterly different in the daylight. The statue stood like a centerpiece to a series of dollhouses, all arranged neatly in rows. Yet the urban sprawl of the city died out directly in front of the statue, which gave into a grassy campus, and, beyond that, a looming, imposing, oversized school {19}. The last thing I wanted to do was set foot in there; getting bogged down in the social workings of some school was the worst way to observe the workings of this world. Now, if I could find some newspaper with current events, or try to get to know the humans in the area around here, I'd be set. All I would need to do is stay away from that school.

"Hey Flash!" someone called to someone else in the distance. It sounded like the humans here were social enough. It probably wouldn't be hard to befriend them.

"Hey, Flash!" The guy called to someone again, louder this time. I groaned. Okay Flash, answer this guy and shut him up. It was too early for this.

"Flash Sentry!" Called a voice from right behind me. Exasperated, I turned around to see why the hell this Flash Sentry wasn't answering...

...And stared right into the eyes of some stocky, sweat-stained, rather large-ish youth. His hair was light blue and hung at shoulder length, and a pair of drumsticks unceremoniously protruded from his pocket.

Instinctively, I looked behind me. Nobody was there. Where was this Flash Sentry he was talking about? The only person in the vicinity was me!

Me.

Flash Sentry.

Oh no.

Of all the worst possible names that I could have.

"Lookin' for this, bro?" He handed me a small, rectangular device with a sole circular button at the bottom. "I found your phone outside the Canterlot High statue. You're not gonna find it in those bushes, brah!" He chuckled for no discernible reason. I forced a smile, and he continued. "Hey Flash, you look like you didn't catch such a great snooze last night. Betcha tapped that, didn't ya?" He cackled again.

"Heh. Good one. Bro. I totally, uh, tapped that." I cringed at even letting the words pass my mouth, but if the strange creature in front of me noticed, he didn't show it. "That's my boy!" He slapped my back, and laughed some more. There was alcohol on this kid's breath, too. Fantastic. "Now c'mon bro," he said, and started walking again. "If we don't hurry we're gonna be late for class, and I don't wanna go through another lecture for cutting again." He paused. "Unless... you wanna get a drink."

I almost choked. I had had human alcohol before, and it played hell with my system. {20} "No, no. Let's go to class. Bra. Like you said." And with that, he grabbed my arm and let me forwards.

Right towards that school.

I really do have the worst luck these days. I sighed. For a moment, I considered just running for it, but I had the feeling that wouldn't go all that well, what with what smelled like the human version of Iron Will standing next to me and all. So I shot a mournful glance at the statue, bit my lip, and trudged after him, reminiscing about the peaceful days where I was simply trapped in stone.

To be continued...

FOOTNOTES

{1}   These weren’t perhaps the most insightful observations of my career, but I had been through a lot. Cut me some slack.

{2} And yes, when I say “conventional human” I’m talking about your race, since they’re only kind of humanoids I’ve had dealings with. Please don’t let the attention get to your head.

{3} An exemplary show of why you’re better off without hair altogether.

{4} I didn't remember human saliva being red, but I supposed my memory was just faulty.

{5} Well, actually, no. He indeed looked awful, right down to his too-small, red-striped jacket that desperately tried to be cool. But aside from the crippling injury to his sense of style, he didn't look that damaged from the collision.

{6} When I was younger, I had once tried to travel to the Crystal Empire from Saddle Arabia with a single snap of my matter-transporting fingers. Problem was, King Sombra had just started dabbling with that Dark Magic of his at the time, which completely through off my end point: instead of materializing in front of the his throne room, I materialized directly above his throne, and subsequently flattened him. Our relationship went downhill from there.

{7} I would later find out that it was someone's house. But not until much, much later.

{8} Don't worry, I gently dropped him.

{9} Well, I guess that was an option. But I sure as hell didn't want to coddle him for that long. He was needy enough when he was sleeping; I didn't even want to think how needy he'd be if he were awake.

{10} It was almost like the two were connected. Weird.

{11} It really didn’t help matters that he was starting to stir. I didn’t know what I’d say to him if he woke up then. Those conversations are damned from the start.

{12} Admittedly, this wasn’t really a logical option. I just wanted to mention how vastly interesting I am one more time.

{13} Part of the reason for my confusion was because they were thin green cans, not the shorter metal ones we have in Ponyville. But I was also in magical withdraw here, and therefore wasn't quite in my right mind. A bit of history: when Draconequui were in abundance way before my time, they had a surprisingly mediocre magical stamina. As a result, it wasn't hard for them to accidentally overexert themselves with some complicated spell – and when this happened, their mental faculties greatly were reduced and they essentially become stupid, wandering creatures, which was a big factor in their eventual extinction. Being an extremely unique member of my late race, I've never come close to completely exhausting my magical reserves, but the loss of my powers had most likely triggered some minor version of the affliction within me.

{14} It wasn't a pretty sight. And here I was thinking Celestia had weird facial expressions.

{15} Distantly, it occurred to me that this wasn't the same color as the red fluid I had seen leaking from his mouth earlier, meaning that this guy had two different colors of spit. You humans are so weird.

{16} If I had listened more carefully, I would've heard him try to tell me that I was about to put him into a trash can. If I had heard this, things might've been different; I might've found him an actual hospital, instead of some random person's trash can. Unfortunately for him, I was magically deprived, and he needed to enunciate more.

{17} But a very, very little amount of it. This kid had just licked my hand, after all.

18 It made me wonder what happened to casual passerbys who decided to lean against the statue during the periods of time when it was active. Were there humans in the form of ponies running around Equestria? It was a thoroughly disconcerting thought.

{19} When I first glimpsed it, I thought it was a castle because of its sheer size and architecture, but then I snapped out of it. Only an idiot could confuse a castle with a school like that.

{20} During one of my more recent visits to Earth, I had taken an innocent little swig of whiskey. Next thing I knew, I had sleepwalked around a nearby forest as a giant, hulking variation of a black bear. Sightings about "Bigfoot" originated the next day, and I decided I only liked chaos if I was in control of it.