How to Train Your Draconequus

Before you humans open this on your little reading machines, you should know a few things about the following story. One, I, Discord, am about to blow your mind, so hold on tight. And consider grabbing a spare pair of pants. They wouldn't be the first casualty of this piece.

Two, that since my thoughts are simply too abundant to be written all here, I've used footnotes to convey my ideas that wouldn't fit in the story. Whenever you see a bolded-out number, be sure to scroll down to the bottom of the page to find the corresponding number. To make this easier, you can use "Control + F" or "Command + F", type the footnote number, and link down to the footnote below.

That is all. Enjoy the story.

CHAPTER ONE

        Celestia’s generally a pretty lax pony. I mean, sure, she can be a more than a little lackluster when it comes to being interesting, and she’s usually less fun than being encased in a stone statue from years on end {1}, but at least she’s one of the warmer, more forgiving rulers out there. She forgave her sister after she betrayed her, she forgave Fluttershy for stealing her phoenix, and she forgave Rainbow Dash and that apple pony after they fought with each other during the Running of the Leaves ceremony.

But forgive innocent little me? Nope.

Celestia had brought me to Canterlot’s tallest tower, had magically sealed the door with several different kinds of locks, and had all of the Royal Guard strategically positioned at various points throughout the castle.

It was a frosty reception, to say the least. So as Celestia was finishing her spell, I finally broke the silence.

“Celestia, Celestia, all these precautions you’re putting on this visit. Could it be you don’t trust me? I thought friends trusted each other.”

Celestia remained unmoved. “Discord, we are not friends. And you’ve done very little to win my trust back since our last encounter. You’ve completely turned Equestrian customs upside-down in the past, and— Discord?”

I had retired to lying inside one of the Crystal Empire-painted windows. “My dear ‘Tia, you’re so dull. If this is going to go on much longer, just turn me back into a rock and unfreeze me in another thousand years. I’m sure I wouldn’t miss anything important from you.” {2}

Celestia frowned. “There’s no need to be disrespectful. Discord, I know that your talents could be used for the good of Equestria, but I know that I can trust you first. Which is why I’m offering you the option of — Discord! That’s a painting of my sister! That’s unsanitary!”

“Oh please, don’t lecture me on unsanitary. Remember the Birthday Cake incident? As I recall, it took you years for you to get that out of your mane, and – ow!”

Out of nowhere, there was a flash of blue light, and I was instantly shot from the painting and to the floor, violently turned back into my normal form. In strode Princess Luna. “Listen to my sister,” she urged.

Dammit, I screwed up the story. Sorry. I’m not really used to telling stories the linear way that you humans like them. I should probably give you the complete beginning here first.

It all started the day after Fluttershy and her friends ‘reformed’ me. You remember the episode: everyone’s hands-down favorite villain learns the power of friendship and ceases to be as chaotic and overall fantastic as he once was, etcetera etcetera. I’m sure you bronies all have your own different opinions on the events that transpired, ranging from “Discord didn’t really change his ways, he just became aware of the magic of friendship” {3}, all the way to “Discord is a completely watered-down villain who’s lost all of his character appeal.” {4} But either way, I busted my ass experiencing the lesson, you sat on your ass watching the episode documentary, everyone’s happy. {5}

                So there I am leaving Ponyville. Fluttershy had just gotten me to say “Friendship is magic”, and I was leaving with the promise of a new future glimmering in front of me. Celestia was finally trusting me, I finally saw how nice it was to have friends for a change, and Fluttershy’s friends were respecting her all the more. It seemed like a great day.

                Cut to me convulsing on the floor, because a certain lunar Princess can’t handle a few interruptions. “Ow! You know Alicorn magic has quite a sting to it, don’t you?”

Luna looked pissed. “I don’t take magic tips from uncivilized abominations such as yourself. Your actions have been little more than some teenager colt’s rebellion against his parents in our royal eyes.”

I snorted, and then took out my eyes and rolled them on the floor for dramatic effect. “You’re one to talk about uncivilized, Nightmare Moon. It takes a lot of guts to try to take over Equestria, fail miserably, try again a thousand years later, fail again, and then come sniveling back to big sis’s side. Pathetic.”

“Enough!” Celestia tried to break in, but Luna was fired up now. “You talk a large game for someone who’s so susceptible to Alicorn magic, vile creature.” With some dismay I noted her horn was beginning to smoke. “You don’t want to see how much we’ve improved since the first time we imprisoned you.”

I summoned ten extra hands, and stuck up the middle finger on all ten. “I’d love to, Luna.”

“Enough!” Celestia shouted, and for the second time that day I was violently thrown against the ground. On the other side of the room, I could see Luna similarly pinned {6}. “Discord, this is your last chance. I am offering you an opportunity for you to prove I can trust you. Are you game?”

I sighed. She had me backed into a corner here. “Alright, Celestia. I comply. What do you have in mind?”

From across the room, I could see a sadistic little smirk creep its way across Luna’s face. “I’ve found an oddity in the Crystal Empire,” Celestia continued. “It’s a mirror that doubles as a portal to another world. And I have absolutely no idea what lies inside there.”

I didn’t like where this was going, and I started all biting the nails on my ten additional hands. “So you’re saying that you want me to polish that mirror?”

Celestia smiled {7} .“You know full well what I’m getting at here, Discord. I want you to explore that world for me, and report back what you find. What’s more, I don’t want you using any of your powers. From the little I know about this place, it’s that the ponies within don’t use any sort of magic, and so using it would have an absolutely catastrophic impact.”

Needless to say, I was dismayed about this, and for more reasons than one. Parting with my magic was bad enough, but I also didn’t want to leave my friends in Ponyville at such a critical stage.

Well, friend, to be more honest with myself. Fluttershy was the only one who had really stood up for me; yes, the others hadn’t been outright hostile, but they weren’t particularly willing to befriend me like Fluttershy had, either. Rainbow Dash, in particular, was rather distrusting, and before my ‘reformation’ she had shot me quite a few death stares {8} from across the table at our little dinner party. And as much as I want to blame her for not trusting me, she does have a point. It’s not like I’ve had a great relationship with her the last few times I’ve seen her.

Still, I figured I had something to work with there. “What about my friends, in Ponyville? Shouldn’t I be out trying to interact and explore, erm, the magic of friendship? Or whatever?”

Celestia chuckled {9}. “With all respect, Discord, assimilating into Ponyville is going to be a challenge for you. You’ve turned the lives of the townspeople upside-down in the past, and you have to realize that they are not going to immediately trust you. Especially with the little you know about friendship.” She paused, and then strode towards me. “That’s the real reason I want to send you on this mission, Discord. More than exploration, more than reconnaissance, the real thing I want out of this is you to learn what friendship is. And this alternate world, surrounding by ponies who have heard nothing about your… past deeds, will be the perfect place for you to learn what it truly is.”

As drab as her little speech was, Celestia had a point there. Princess Luna still hadn’t fully made her way back into society yet; some ponies still quaked at her slightest hoofstep. A land where nobody had heard of the Master of Chaos, no lives had been ruined, nobody had hated me.

“Alright, Celestia, you got me. Send me in there.”

Celestia nodded. “Very well. We shall travel to the Crystal Empire tonight, before the preparations for the Equestrian Games begin. Let us make haste.”

“Please, allow me,” I mock bowed, then snapped my fingers. An etching of my face appeared into the carpet beneath us, and the rug began to rise into the air. “Ladies, Gentlemen, Princess Luna,” it spoke. “Where may I take you today?”

“The Crystal Empire, good sir,” I responded, laughing to myself. I had almost forgotten the fun of having another me in my company.

And so we were off. We soared through the air, the rushing of the wind creating a soft, lilting lullaby while pegasi burst through the clouds beneath us, bursting them into nothingness. I vaguely longed to reach out and stuff one into my mouth; they looked so fluffy and edible, and had been so long since I had last tasted one {10}. I basked in the rays of the sun, garbing me in vibrant streams of pure light, while the carpet announced the temperature and the wind speed perfectly in my voice. It was good to finally be back in Equestria.

********************

But I digress. In no time at all, we had arrived in the Crystal Empire, traversed down the hallowed hallways of King Sombra’s old palace {11}, and had uncovered the dusty old sheet covering up the mirror that would take me there. I turned back to Celestia and Luna. “Arrivederci, ladies! Wish me luck!” And with that I turned, took a deep breath, and stepped towards the portal.

My mind raced. Celestia was a fool to send a being as powerful as myself in there: I wondered what chaotic wonders I would install on the other side, what kind of mischief could be wreaked on the land. I could keep my friends in Ponyville, and remain the Master of Chaos in another world! I couldn’t remember a time I had felt more elated, and with a beautiful spinning leap, I dived into the mirror.

And subsequently squashed my face into the glass.

Behind me, Luna laughed hysterically while I tried to pry my lips off of the surface of the mirror. After a brief struggle with a particularly vicious mirror, I managed, “Really Celestia? Don’t you have better things to be doing than pulling pranks like this?”

Celestia tried (in vain) to hide a smirk. “You didn’t let me tell you everything, Discord. See, the mirror only opens once every 30 moons, and the next opening is almost directly after the Equestrian Games. You’ll have to wait until then to do your surveillance.”

“Princess, please. You forget who you’re talking to.” I flexed my paws, and twin beams of energy shot from them and into the mirror. It crackled into life.

“Oh…okay. I guess I shouldn’t have put it past you.” The Princess looked particularly taken aback.

“What, did you lower your expectations of me? I guess the feeling is mutual.” Behind me, a particularly shiny crystal morphed into a crude figure of Celestia, and a crystal cake appeared on the floor beneath it. The figure bent forward, stooping her muzzle, lower, almost brushing the cake beneath it…

“A-hem, Discord. Point taken.” Celestia shifted uncomfortably. Luna grinned at me from behind her. “I was not kidding when I said that your powers would wreck havoc on this world. That is why I’ll be revoking them.”

“What? My powers? I’m sorry Celestia, I don’t think you can revoke my powers,” I chuckled. “Why wouldn’t you have just done that before?”

“Because I can’t without your cooperation. So I’m going to ask you — will you give up your powers to create chaos, for a week or two until the portal opens again, for the sake of earning my trust and finally understanding what friendship means?”

Had it been a day earlier, I wouldn’t even have considered her offer. But Fluttershy had taught me how powerful friendship was the day before, and as loath as I was to part with my rather awe-inspiring powers, I knew this was worth a try. {12}

                “Fine, fine. How are you going to do this anyway? Is this a potion I have to take, or…” I trailed off as red lightning began to play its way across Celestia’s horn, crackling in the air around her. “Or is it just going to be a spell?”

                “DISCORD,” she Royal Canterlot Voiced {13}. It was a while since I heard that {14}. “DO YOU AGREE TO RELINQUISH WHAT POWERS YOU NOW COMMAND OVER MATTER AND ENERGY?”

                It was kind of a mouthful, but matter and energy pretty much covered the limits of my powers {14} . “Princess Celestia, I do.” {15}

  “THEN SO IT SHALL BE. BY THE POWER INVESTED IN ME, I HEREBY SUMMON THE ENERGIES OF SUN AND SPIRIT THAT RESIDE ME, THAT SHAPE MY SOUL AND MY BEING, THAT ALLOW ME TO KEEP THE RESIDENTS OF EQUESTRIA SAFE FROM HARM AND MAL-BEING, AND I DIRECT THEM TO WITHDRAWING WHAT FORCES YOU, DISCORD, MEMBER OF THE ESTRANGED DR-“

              “Sis?” Luna broke in. “Can we cut to the chase? I want to get back to Canterlot soon.”

                “Fine, fine.” Celestia rolled her eyes. “I guess this is all formality anyway.”

                “Hey, there’s no rush, Celestia. There’s no harm in having my powers a little longer, right?”

                Celestia didn’t respond. Instead, the lightning on her horn began to surround it, forming a red, swirling nexus around the alicorn’s head. Then she bowed her head, pointed her horn at my stomach, and the lightning was upon me.

                Have you ever had the feeling where it seems like someone has just taken a fishhook, shoved into your colon, punched you in the face, sucked all the moisture out of your mouth with one of those little dental hoover thingies they say cleans your teeth, punched you in the face again, electrocuted you, and then violently ripped the fishhook out of your colon, taking your soul with it? {16}

Neither have I. But I imagine this feeling was pretty damn close to it.

Wave after wave of pain crashed over me, eroding my senses, blasting my resolve into a thick, frothy paste that’s not unlike the kind of stuff you see in a Starbucks cappuccino maker. Every fiber, every atom within me was shaken and violently cast against the walls, just to rebound off each other and by some stroke of luck reform exactly they were before. My each and every nerve was subjected to a magical conflagration, incinerating all presence of mind that I had. Celestia and Luna swam out of my eyesight, replaced with bright red stars that winked in and out of existence.

When my eyes finally opened again, Celestia and Luna were standing above me. “Discord? Are you okay? Can you move?” Luna asked concernedly.

Grumpily, I rose to my feet. “It stung a little bit.” It actually felt like somepony had chainsawed my intestine out. “No biggie.”

And that’s when the feeling of emptiness hit me. When I was trapped as a statue, yes I was immobilized, but at least I was still me. Now, standing here in the Crystal Empire chamber, I felt more trapped than I ever had. The desire to stir up chaos was still there, but it was all suddenly out of reach for me. I was weak, powerless, naked.

In front of Celestia there shown a bright yellow ball of light, with bands of white energy undulating around the surface of it. “This sphere, Discord, is the root of all your powers, and will only work again when they are restored to your body. In a few weeks time, when you return, you will be reunited with them immediately.”

“Pinkie promise, Celestia?” I stuck out my paw, realized I couldn’t create a pinky finger without my powers, and quickly retracted it. “Err… regular promise, then?”

The white pony smiled. “I guarantee it.”

I looked back into the mirror. “Okay then…” I said with what I’m sure was convincing resolve. “I guess I should head out… Hey, has the world on the other end seen a Draconequus yet? Will I transform when I go through that portal?”

Celestia looked puzzled. “I hadn’t thought about that. I suppose that, because your form will be greatly unstable in that world, your body will take the form of the first being you come in physical contact with {17}.

“Remember, Discord, I just want information on the world. In two weeks’ time, the portal will be open, and you’ll be free to come home. Good luck!”

I nodded, and stepped towards the portal. The glass practically radiated heat, and wasn’t altogether inviting.

“Oh, and Discord?” The Princess of the Night called from behind me.

“What is it, Luna? More teary goodbyes?”

“No,” she grinned. “Just wanted to say good luck with making friends there. You could use some.”

“Psh, luck? I won’t need any.”

“You’d be surprised,” Luna winked. Ouch.

“Go, Discord,” Celestia urged. “We’ll see you in two weeks.”

Indecision seized me. “On second thought, there has to be some other way for me to prove my trustworthiness. What about if you let me polish the Elements of Harmony? You and Luna could place bets on whether I’d steal them or not!”

“Oh, come on,” Luna chuckled, and a bright beam of blue light gently tapped me on the chest, just enough to cause me to lose my balance. “No! Wait!” I cried, trying in vain to create wings to get me out of this. I took a step backwards, waved my arms violently {18} , and teetered backwards into the energized glass. And suddenly I was falling, falling, toppling through a haze of colors and lights and a ghostly fog until, finally, I materialized into a new world.

Now, under any other circumstances, I would have fallen out of the other end of that portal and sprained my wing on the sidewalk, maybe even chipped a horn or jammed a paw. Fortunately, something was there to break my fall.

Something skinny.

Something with blue hair.

Something completely unsuspecting that his head was about to collide with the full weight of the great Discord.

Thankfully, the being I would later come to know as Flash Sentry has a very, very soft head.

To be continued...

FOOTNOTES

{1}At least the stone has the decency not to give you a lecture on the value of friendship whenever you see it.

{2} It was true. Once Celestia got going, you couldn’t stop her. You should have seen the whole speech she gave before she turned me into stone the first time.

 {3} If you fit this description, kudos to you, you’re the closest to understanding me. You get a gold star.

{4} If you fit this description, expect a very unpleasant visit from me on your next birthday. We’ll see how watered-down I’ve become.

{5} For now, at least. I’m not forgetting about that birthday promise.

{6} When you have a big sister that bossy, can you blame her for the whole Nightmare Moon thing? It just goes to show that Only Children like me are just infallible.

 {7} It wasn’t a pleasant sight. I didn’t know she even had those muscles.

{8} Or at least, I thought they were death stares. It just kind of looks cute on a Ponyville pony, especially from someone who’s seen the death stares of a Bat Pony.

{9} A smile and a chuckle in the same day. I hoped she wouldn’t hurt herself.

 {10} The clouds, on the other hand, looked positively foul.

  {11} I even helped him build some of it, back in the day. That was before he had gotten all boring and close-minded with his plans to dominate Equestria.

{12} There was also the small matter of how Celestia would turn me back into stone in a heartbeat if I refused.

{13} Yes, this is a verb in Equestria. Sue me.

{14} She didn’t mention anything about changing time, which was a potential loophole, but that was somewhat advanced even for someone has dashingly powerful as me.

{15} You would not believe how many times this vow to Luna has been used in your humans’ fan fictions. It seemed like the right thing to say at the time, keeping with the formal tone and all, but even I cringed a little as the words passed my mouth.

{16} Absently, I wondered if this meant my soul was stored in my colon. Talk about unflattering.

{17} This didn’t make sense, but I knew better than to ask what the reasoning there was. Celestia could talk.

{18} This was for balance, not because I was waving farewell. Duh.