Like Sisters, Probably

The next day I met with Dash.

We met somewhere near the edge of the forest, where we used to go practice together sometimes. She was already there when I got there, sitting on a cloud. I flew up and landed beside her. It was a fair-sized cloud. I didn’t have to stand that close.

“Hey,” I said.

“Hey,” she said.

I tried really hard to look at her, but I didn’t even get close.

“Okay,” said Dash, “the other day, when I told you to leave, I didn’t really—”

“Dash, stop,” I said.

“Oh come on, I gotta tell you—”

“No, seriously. Just... sorry, I...” I trailed off and kind of moved back and forth on the cloud. “I think it’s over. It’s... just probably over.”

“What?” said Dash.

“I cheated on you. I went and had sex with Sweetie.”

Dash just looked at me. At least I think she did—I wasn’t looking anywhere near enough to her to be able to tell.

“When?”

“Like, right after I left basically.”

“That’s... wow. Well... shit.”

“It... I mean, I didn’t do it just to piss you off, I... don’t know. It wasn’t because of you, exactly. Well, not because of what happened when Dust was there. Not really. It’s just...” I let out a breath. “I was stuck. I’ve been stuck. Like trapped. I had to get out or something. And that’s how I ended up doing it. It was... really terrible. Probably the most terrible way to handle it. I’m really terrible.”

“Yeah... no kidding.”

I sat there.

“What do you mean ‘trapped’?” she asked.

“I don’t know. In your house. Where I was. You were off living your dream and, well, what the hell was I doing. It’s just like what Dust said—”

“No, shut up.”

She didn’t yell or snap at me or anything. She just said it. Almost while sighing or something.

“I didn’t know you felt like that,” she said.

“Yeah.”

“You know if you said something to me about—”

“Could I have? Really? Seriously, what would you have said?”

“Well I guess we’ll never know.”

I kind of slumped. “Yeah, guess not.”

Dash rubbed a hoof against her forehead.

“Shit, Scootaloo, I’m...” She flicked her hoof through the air “You know, this really hurts.”

“Sorry.”

“Really. That was really shitty of you. I’m legitimately pissed at you. I think.... yeah, I don’t think anyone’s actually cheated on me before. You’re about the last pony I would’ve thought—I can’t believe you did that.”

“Sorry.”

“I was coming here thinking I needed to apologize to you about Lightning Dust barging in on you and how I made you leave and everything, but I don’t really want to now.”

“Yeah,” I said. “Sorry. I’m the worst.”

“Yeah, you kind of are.”

We just sat there for a minute.

“Alright,” Dash said, “I’m sorry about how Dust showed up and I kicked you out.”

“Thanks for saying so.”

“And... I feel bad that I was making you feel trapped like that. I really had no idea.”

“Thanks.”

There was more silence.

“So what now?” I asked.

“Yeah, what now.,” she said.

“I guess we should start by not seeing each other for a bit.”

“That’s probably for the best.”

I looked at her. More than being pissed at me, she seriously looked hurt.

“Okay.” I felt awful. “I’m... sorry. I don’t know... I feel like I should say something more... I don’t know.”

“There’s really nothing to say.”

I nodded. I looked away. Looking at her for even just that long was as much as I could manage.

“Do you think one day we’ll be able to talk like normal again?” I asked.

“Scootaloo...”

“Yeah, I know it’s pretty awful of me to say right now. But what do you think?”

She let out a breath. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

“You mean that?”

“Do I mean ‘maybe’?” She rolled her eyes a bit. “Yeah, I mean it. But it’ll take time. A lot of time.”

“Okay.”

I relaxed a bit. That felt like something I could hang on to, as little as it was.

“So... hey,” I said. “Can I ask you one more thing?”

“Yeah, why not.”

“How did things go between you and Dust?”

She just looked at me.

“Well, I can’t really be jealous anymore—well maybe I still am a bit, but yeah. I just kind of want to know.”

Dash took a moment to shake her head at me, clearly stunned at how stupid I was being. Then she sighed, but when she did some of the weight to her lifted away a bit.

“I don’t know, just yet,” she said. “I was totally surprised by it, for one thing. She’s been in love with me that whole time—even if I think I could...” she kind of glanced at me. “You know, I’m not saying—”

“Yeah, I get it.”

“But where would we even start?”

“I... kind of know what you mean.”

She looked at me, her eyebrow raised.

“I mean it,” I said. “Like that’s a lot of crazy feelings to return all of a sudden.”

“Yeah, it’s a long way to catch up, that’s for sure.”

“And, like, there’d be a lot of pressure! If you start something like that... well, it’s zero to a hundred in, like a second!”

The corner of Dash’s mouth turned up. “Are you saying I couldn’t go from zero to a hundred in less than a second?”

“Oh yeah, that’s actually no problem for you. So wait, why are you worried again?”

I smiled too, for a moment. Then it went away, along with that glimmer of something that felt like it came from a long time ago. The air went back to hanging on us with that awful feeling in it again. I looked down at the ground crawling by below.

After a bit I just said “bye,” and she said “bye,” too, and I flew away.

I thought that I’d feel a bit better about everything if Dash and Dust got back together after all this. I had to stop myself though—I knew part of that was just me trying make myself feel less awful about everything I’d done. Even if they did end up together, I knew I’d have to hold onto it all. I’d cheated on her, it was awful, and it’d never be any less awful no matter what happened after.

That was something I’d have to carry with me, going forwards, forever.

* * *

“So how’s this gonna go between us?” I asked Sweetie, out of nowhere.

I was over at her place, and we were hanging out and just finished eating supper. Up to then, it had been totally normal. I dropped in on her, and everything was like it used to be, which was kind of a big deal. I’ll be honest, it was something I wasn’t sure was ever going to happen again.

I mean, it was a little awkward, at first, yeah. But still. We were hanging out and neither of us were freaking out. It still felt kind of delicate, though.

“We... said we’d figure it out as we go from here,” said Sweetie.

“Yeah, and it’s going,” I said. “Are we figuring things out yet?”

Of course, I wasn’t a very delicate pony. But still, even I just sat there and didn’t bring it up, I didn’t feel like that would fix anything, either. Like, it felt like whatever I did I was probably going to hurt Sweetie again and wreck everything—but if it was a choice between doing nothing or doing something, I thought I might feel better about doing something.

So I brought it up.

“What... do you want it to go like?” asked Sweetie.

“I still don’t know,” I said. “I mean, I know I don’t want, like, a ‘Relationship’, or anything.”

A flicker of something went across Sweetie’s face, and I realized I probably needed to clarify.

“No, I mean, like that totally classic ‘Relationship’—the one that has a capital ‘R’ and air quotes around it.”

“Oh. Then do the air quotes around it next time.”

“Sorry.”

Sweetie relaxed a bit. “I think I can understand that. I don’t think I really want that either.”

“Sweetie,” I said, “you have to be honest here. Just saying convenient things or pretending you want the same things as me aren’t going to help anything.”

“No!” she said. “I mean it! I never wanted that kind of relationship.” She looked down. “Well, I guess I used to think I wanted that. I mean, like, a long time ago. When I first started—anyway. But—could you even picture something like that between us?” She got a bit of a smile. “I tried to imagine us going on these really serious dates, giving flowers on one knee and stuff—that’s not what I want. Not really. I just—like it when we’re like this.”

“So you want to just stay friends or whatever?” I didn’t really know what to take from this. I hadn’t settled on how I felt about anything, yet, either.

“No!” she said quickly—kind of yelled, actually. “I really want to kiss you and have sex and everything!”

It took a moment, but then turned red like she was about to pop. She didn’t manage to look at me, so I looked away, too.

“I just don’t want anything to change besides that,” she said.

That was something a little too familiar to me. I knew what I felt about that, I’ll say that much.

“It doesn’t work like that,” I said. “It turns into something bigger than that. Something wild and friggin terrifying, and maybe kind of awful.”

“I know it’s the same thing you said, way back then, but it’d be different with us,” she said, pretty damn firmly. I had to look up at her. “With you and Rainbow Dash, it was because—well, I don’t know,” she finished, tapering off and losing the firmness she had.

“No, go on,” I said. Maybe I was a little on edge at that, but I did really want to hear what she had to say about the whole thing, even if it would probably make me angry.

“Well, with you two... I think we’re in a better spot than you and Rainbow Dash were. She... needed you. She let herself need you and you wanted that so badly you went along with it.” She stopped and sat up a bit, looking at me. When she spoke she was confident again. “I don’t need you. I really don’t need you. I know that for sure. Without you around I finally felt like I was getting it together.”

“Um... ouch?”

She smiled. “But I really want to be around you. I like being around you. And it’s not like you’re actually all that terrible for me, or anything. But it’s... like what you said. It’s better around you. I figured that out, too.”

“Oh,” I said.

“So does that answer the question?”

“I don’t know,” I said. I rubbed my hoof on my face. “I don’t know anything right now. I was kinda hoping I’d figure something out by talking about it now, but, I just don’t know.”

I mean, I couldn’t help but think that should be enough, right? Enough for us to be... I don’t know. Something. But a relationship like what she wanted—that was a lot. I didn’t know if I could love her back as much as she loved me. It’s like what Dash was saying. It was a long way to catch up. But still, I felt like there was stuff there, on my side, despite all that. Whatever that was worth.

My hoof slid down my face and landed beside me on the couch. “I don’t think I’m ready for anything just yet. I’m clear on that much—but there’s definitely an attraction between us. I just don’t want to jump into anything too fast. For once.”

“So just stay friends for now?”

“Yeah... maybe.” I looked up at the ceiling. “But letting that attraction just build up might make us think things we wouldn’t if we were just having sex and stuff... gah, I don’t know.”

We just sat there.

“Maybe,” said Sweetie, “let’s stay friends for sure for a few months. How about three months? We’ll hang out, and not do anything more than that.”

“And then after that?”

“Then we see where we’re at.”

“Yeah. You know, that sounds pretty good.” I let out a breath and sank down in my chair. Maybe it was a bit silly, setting an random time limit like that, but it made me feel way better. “Do you have any wine around?”

“Not really. Also I think maybe we shouldn’t drink just now. At least I think I probably shouldn’t drink right now.”

“Because you’ll try and jump my bones if you do?”

“Yeah, basically.”

We smiled. At least we could talk like that. That felt pretty good.

* * *

We hung out like that about three more times before I went over to her house and Sweetie was crying and she ran up and hugged me before I even got all the way in the door. She wasn’t saying anything and just crying, so I took her over to the couch and it was ages before I could get her talking.

“I’m moving away!” she said.

“Yeah?” I said.

“To Manehattan!” She was still crying a bit, and it took awhile her words to come out properly. “I thought... I would need to move there at some point—for my singing—but I got an offer.”

“An offer for what?”

“I permanent position. With that group I always play with.” She wiped her hoof across her face. “I have to go. I can’t turn this down.”

She wasn’t happy crying, though. It was sad crying. I knew what all of Sweetie’s different cryings were like.

“So go!” I said. “That’s amazing! Why are you sad about this?” I knew, probably, but she had to say it. It felt important, somehow.

She started hugging me again and crying more.

“Because I’m leaving you!” she said. “We’re finally—well there’s finally... I don’t know!” She smooshed her face against me. “There’s finally something that I don’t know what it is and I’m leaving! But I have to! What if I stay, and then this, well, it ends up as nothing, and then—”

“Okay, that’s enough of that. No more.” I was hugging her back. “So what, I’m not allowed to move to Manehattan, too, or what?”

She broke away—her crying stopping.

“You can’t—”

“Why not?”

“That’s crazy!”

“How’s that crazy? There’s, like, nothing for me in Ponyville. Everyone left. What, you think it’d somehow be better if I just stayed here all on my own? Manehattan seems cool. I could live there.”

“But we’re—we’re not even—”

“Okay yeah, it’s kind of a bad time, we haven’t properly figured out what’s going on between us, but I don’t want you to be totally gone all of a sudden. I’m definitely sure about that.”

“But your job...”

“Pretty sure they have weather in Manehattan, too.”

Apparently she ran out of things to say after that, so just smiled, though her eyes were puffy and leaky.

“Hey,” she said. “Could I kiss you? Would that be okay?”

“Yeah, probably,” I said.

We kissed, and then it kind of turned into more than that, and then we definitely just had sex on the couch right there. Somehow, I wasn’t worried, though. It didn’t feel like anything was wrong.

Maybe it should’ve—I mean, it could’ve been that I was rushing into something that would be a disaster again, but buck that. Really, just buck that. It’s not like I wanted to live my life not doing anything because there was a chance stuff might not work out.

I thought of the me that was so stoked to be there for Dash when she needed it, and I could see now, with how everything was then, that it would head pretty much where it did. I don’t blame the me from back then, though. Those feelings and stuff, you know? They were real. They were crazy and awesome and I don’t regret it. I wouldn’t regret this either.

The me I was now—I’d never look back at her and blame her for what she was doing. I wanted to be around Sweetie Belle. I wanted to have sex with her sometimes because, well, I did. I wanted to keep seeing her all the time, and for everything to just feel great between us. With everything I knew from all the things that had happened in my life up to that point, this was the decision I was going to make.

I wasn’t going to apologize, and I’ll be damned if the me from the future was going to and shake her head and mutter about inexperienced kids, or some shit. This was what I was going to bucking do.