Annabelle's Bookby -GLaDOS-ChaptersJournal Entries: December 4th, December 6th, and December 7thJournal: Dec. 12th and Dec. 14thJournal: 16thJournal: 18th (The Christmas Dance)Journal Entries: December 1st - December 3rdJournal Entries: December 8th-11thJournal Entries: December 4th, December 6th, and December 7thNote: Better... You still need more detail. You are a writer! I don't mind you telling me about your "accidents", they let me have a better idea about what you are going through. If I know what is happening, I can help you. Talk about what you hear on the news, how you felt that morning, or maybe any problems you encountered. It will get you to talk more. I have to say that I would like to hear more about your friends. Did you ever think that the stallion in the corner is writing about you? Or have you thought about giving the older mare company? I like that you compare yourself to the diner and it's people. Also, thank you for concern about me. We are doing just fine, the baby is totally healthy, and happy. He may be born around the holidays. I have got that covered, I am staying at my sisters for the time being. I am not enjoying it there, I am very uncomfortable sleeping on the couch. Lets just get you in order first, though. I do enjoy being your doctor, and trust me, I am much more then just your doctor. I can be your friend, and I can see you more often then just in the office. Keep writing... and enjoy the rest of your weekend. Signed: Doctor Lee December 4th: More detail? Really? Honestly doc, just because I am a writer, doesn't mean I am good at this. We all have our pros and cons, and detail may not be my strong side. This is a 1 bit composition book, that only you are seeing, I really am not putting my all in it. I guess I am releasing emotion, but that is the point of this whole project isn't it? I don't understand why you want more detail on that stuff anyway. What does my breakfast and the news have to do with anything, other then put on more words! What is the point of the word limit anyway? Now I can understand if you need more detail on my friends, but my accidents are another story. With that? Uh, no, it is bad enough as it is. I will tell you that when it is essential, I honestly thought what I was putting in was already disgusting you. I would like to thank you for the friendship offer. I know I'm different, and I know my issue is weird. You are the only one that understands, and you should because you are a doctor. See what I mean? You get paid to see what the crazy, diapered mares problem is. You went to college to fix these things. It is entirely different when a everyday pony, that you meet understands, not someone you hire. Now, don't get me wrong, I will be your friend, but that is why I felt that way. About you not really liking me. You are nice Doctor, Lee, and I do have to thank you for helping me. I trust you, but it just doesn't feel right, you know? So my day started this morning, and I did nothing very interesting. You want more detail, so here you go. I woke up on my disheveled bed, exhausted as usual. I felt that horrible, cold, and wet sensation of a accident from the night before. So I got up, made my red, queen sized bed real quick, and went into the master bedrooms bathroom. Now, I change myself (duh) so I untapped my undergarment, and threw it in the trash. Afterwards, I screamed and yelled as I tried to get a new diaper on with my hooves. When this chaos was over, I brushed my teeth, and while I looked in the mirror, there was always this one grudge. This one grudge that always stared back at me while I cleaned my teeth, that I was too lazy to ever clean. I got annoyed by that stupid smudge, like every single day (All of this happens everyday), I finally slipped on one of my dresses, my least favorite color, and headed downstairs. Detail! Sweet, pointless, detail, folks! When that's over, I head into the kitchen. Remember I said I have to regulate what I eat, so when I had the choice between 3 mouth watering pancakes, or toast, I had to pick the one that wasn't going to give me problems later in the day. So toast it was, with a hot cappuccino. Today on the news, they had a talk show like every Sunday morning. The topic was "Most Embarrassing Moments", and I listened closely, as I heard ponies say theirs. I just laughed as one stallion said he had a accident in the first grade, try doing that everyday bud. I drank my coffee slower then usual today, and I couldn't finish my toast. It made me wonder if I was coming down with something, and while I sit here tonight, I think I have a fever. I look through a couple of magazines, and read some of a book I am reading. It is called "Winter's Gift", and it is something about how winter was created by the princess. I honestly think that it is just another thing to show off about how glorious Celestia is. That was most of my morning. Before I went to see you, accident wise, if you really want to know, I went #2. I really hope that you knowing that, helps you give me therapy! You definitely need to know my digestive track to help me! *Sarcasm* As you told me yesterday, you wanted me to meet me today, although it was a Sunday. Another thing I have to thank you for, being that you guys are usually closed on Sunday's. On the walk there, honestly it was all normal. Do you want me to describe what kind of glares people gave me? It was the streets of Manehattan, you know what they are like. It was a long walk, but I made it, and you know what we did in your office. When I left, I just headed home, because I honestly didn't feel good. I skipped the diner today, and I took a nap. I woke up around 10 to read a little, changed myself, and had some type of dinner. Now it is 12 and I am writing to you, sick. I just finished taking my temperature, and I am looking down at a 101.2. Guess who isn't coming in tomorrow? Me! Really though, I think I'm taking the day off. But doc, I just want you to know that I feel uncomfortable talking about my condition. I know you know all about it, but it is honestly gross, and in the future I don't want to get into detail on it, unless I have to. Yes, it does cause a large amount of my social problems, but not all of them. The condition isn't the only reason I see you. You shouldn't need information on that. I guess I will continue to do what you want, but I just want you to know I don't like that. ================================================================================================= Note: It seems you did decide to skip. It is alright, because you came in today, you did seem groggy. Regarding Sunday, that was not exactly what I mean't on detail, but I see your point. I just want you to add detail, because even the simplest things can mean something. I want you to do more then release emotion, this project could potentially help you a lot with your problems. Now a example of this, was the grudge on your mirror. That means something, and I can analyze it as a professional, and see something in it. Same thing with the news, and your breakfast. It gets you talking more too. I would also agree on the friendship thing. I understand where you are coming from there, I am paid to be your friend. But, understand that I mean't outside too, not just in the office. Anyway, you probably want to make your own friends now, and that is fine. Last... The accidents. I really didn't clarify that. You are right, you can describe it when necessary, but at the time I found it to be another good way to talk. That is your private business, and that is okay. But, where you are wrong, is that your condition is mostly what is bringing you down. Did you ever think that maybe, your family life would be a lot better if you didn't have your condition? Or, did you ever think that your condition is what slowing you down socially? You know that is what is holding you back! Those diapers stopped you from making friends in school because ponies thought you were weird, ending up with you being anti-social when you were a adult. Since you were bullied when you were a kid, you didn't develop right, and that is why your parents didn't respect you as much as your siblings. Our goal is to make you have a normal life, even though you are disabled. That is how it works with every one of my patients. So describe when you need to, but don't try to avoid talking about those problems, or I won't be able to help you. Signed: Doc. Lee December 6th: I guess you are right about my condition. It is just all emotional, and sometimes I don't like talking about it, due to the fact that it actually has been a huge problem in my life. But hey, good things happen to good ponies right? I am sure there are friends out there waiting for me, and someday even a stallion. It is all part of a grand plan. I pray, I am friendly, and I try to be a good pony, so karma should catch up to me soon. About what you said with the accidents, not going into detail on them, unless I have to, sounds good. I will also make sure I include detail, and do whatever you need without question. I don't even want to ask how in the world the grudge on my mirror plays into anything. Well, I guess it could if I think about it. Symbolizes something, I guess. I did skip yesterday, and I am sorry. I was sick with a fever, and boy, was I feeling horrible. It stinks not having anyone around, I was hot, and miserable. I guess I got used to it, being that my mom didn't really care when I was sick, and told to toughen up. The only times I ever got out of school, was if I puked. Still, my mom would hold a grudge when I got home. I would have written, but I just couldn't get up off the couch. I still felt pretty bad today, although the fever broke last night. Well, let me tell you, you didn't miss anything. When I was not sleeping, I was moaning and restless. I didn't have many thoughts, due to a huge headache, and everything else. So, I took off, and it seems like you understood when I came into the office. Today, I was okay. As I said, I was sick in the beginning of the day. I skipped the diner, my friends must definitely miss me. The actual news was on today, and I listened to that after getting out of bed, exhausted. I drank a coffee, hoping that it would keep me awake, and I sat a a stool in my kitchen, as the news blabbered on. I wasn't really paying attention, it was political drama that I didn't quite understand. After I went and saw you, I went shopping since I was running low on food, and you-know-whats. Nothing noticeable really. I am heading out to the diner tomorrow, right after I talk to you. I want to actually get to know the ponies there. I know I say they are my friends, but did you notice I had trouble actually calling them friends in the beginning? Well, that stallion in the back, I do have short talk with him, and we do interact, but I don't even know his name. You asked me if he writes about people in the restaurant? I have no idea, because we both are kinda awkward, and he stops typing when I come over. It is mostly that kind of "Nice weather we are having" conversation. That stallion is actually very built, and he always wears this black coat over his grey coat. Very mysterious he is, and when we do interact, I swear it is me who always ends it. I have to just go up, and say that we haven't even introduced ourselves. We make eye contact when we are both there. He is the only stallion, other then Twister. We all know his name. Twister is related to the family that owns the restaurant, and he acts as a guard, or bouncer. Although it is a Italian restaurant, it was also a bar. He was huge though! The thing was he was really quiet, probably because he never had work. Another mysterious character in this restaurant. I think Twister is the owners brother. Now the owner is a different story. I swear he is part of the mafia, his name is Marks, and he is very, very Italian. Short, with a beard, and mean. But to the common customers, Marks was actually extremely nice. How couldn't he be? We were most of his business. So just for you doc, I'm going to confront that stallion. We probably are the most observant there, and we can share information, talk, maybe get to know each other, and then the awkwardness in that place would finally shift. I am done for tonight, as I said, not much to report. I will tell you what goes on tomorrow. ================================================================================================= Note: Okay, sounds good Annabelle. Good-luck. I don't have much to say either. Signed: Lee December 7th: That was quick today, not much to say doc? Usually you are quite the chatter box. Anyway, as promised, I said I would be going to the restaurant. For the record, it is called Olive's, named after the owners deceased wife. I don't think you would appreciate the place, but I still went today after your appointment, and some interesting stuff happened. But before that, our daily report, which is also a little different today. It was actually a good day. I woke up early today, and I decided to clean. I was well rested, refreshed, and surprisingly not wet (Probably because I'm dehydrated). My apartment is actually kind of large, because my brother bought it, and paid it off for me as a gift. I think of it more like a sorry for always being a douche. So when you walk into the front door, it's a long hallway. There is a spot for rain boots, beside a coat hanger. There are two doors on the right, and to doors on the left of the hallway. On the right is the master bedroom, and the bathroom. They both connect, while on the other side, it is a extra room I use for storage, and a large closet my washer and drier are set up in. In the back to the left is the living area, and a couple of windows with a nice view, and to the right is the kitchen. So it is a "T" shape. I focused on cleaning up the bathroom (At least I got to skip the toilet), and dusting everything. I got dressed, and wore my favorite colored dress to cover my problem, and to make me look a little nicer for the event. You saw me, I did look nice right? Well I hope I did. Anyway, after I got done cleaning, I made sure I was already to go. Surprisingly I didn't pee yet that day, which fired back on me later. I brushed my mane for once, and put on some perfume so that baby smell ponies say I have wasn't noticeable. I headed out the door, talked to you, and afterwards I was on the way to the restaurant. So I told you about a couple of ponies there. The older mares name was Electron, and she had a lightning bolt cutie mark. There was Marks, who was the old, Italian owner, and Twister, who was the big "Security" stallion. Last but not least, was the writer stallion in the back, who I actually confronted today. I arrived, and Spark was there, and he is probably the weirdest of the group. Spark was a retired military pony, and had a parrot. I think that he must have hit his head to hard during the war. Anyway, it was around 5, after I went home because I forgot my saddle bag. Spark, was at the bar along with Electron, Marks was serving drinks, and Twister was up against the bathroom door. The stallion I wanted to talk to was in the back, typing away. Our eyes met. Both almost the same shade. Spark looked over at me, and chuckled. The lights were dim, it was another cold winter day, and I was ready to actually try and make a friend. I find it funny that this was so hard for me, but I still did it. I walked in, and put my bag down on one of the front, wood, booths. I straightened my dress, and let out a deep breath, as Marks looked along with Spark, who was smiling as his parrot squawked. I walked briskly over to the stallion on his typewriter, sitting beside him. Immediately he took it off the table, staring at me. It was very rare that we even said a couple words to each other, let alone sit next to each other and talk. "I believe we never met before..." I said after a minute of sitting down. The stallion smiled, and gave a normal response. "Oh, we have... We just never really talked" He said with a grin. "Well, I see you almost everyday, and I kinda wanted to introduce myself. I'm Annabelle." I looked around, and noticed that everyone glanced every few seconds. "I mean, we have short talked a couple of times" "Oh, we know who you are. You are one of the commoners here, you have been around for awhile now. Spark likes to call you DM. You can call me Roger, or Roger Lucy, but everyone here calls me Scribble" I thought it was a weird nickname, but what I also noticed is that they talked about me. They had a nickname for me too? I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be offended or not. To have Spark talking behind my back. "Y-you do? What does DM mean? I didn't know you guys talked about me" "We talk about each other all the time. You always leave before the good stuff happens, but this has been our groups hang out for years. Or at least, Spark, Twister, and I's. DM stands for Diaper Mare." The stallion smiled as my mouth gaped open, and at the moment I blushed. "Diaper mare?!" I replied a little angry, he quieted me down. "Yep. I am Scribble because I am always back here scribbling, and Twister is Twisted Twister, because he is not very sharp, and last but not least is Spark" "How did you even know about that?" I looked at him, as he seemed a lot more comfortable. I was totally ignoring the nicknames he was telling me. I was just angry that this stranger called me Diaper Mare. "You don't do a very good job hiding it. We all understand though, we are all the same here sister. We all have our problems. We call Spark, Captain Pinhead" Roger said as he looked over at him. "You are definitely not the weirdest of the ponies that come here" I was kind of scared about the whole thing, so I picked myself up, and with it came a squish. I noticed throughout the conversation that I somehow wet myself, a lot. "Well... I'm just going to get dinner. We can talk tomorrow" "Oh, did I come out to quick? You don't understand... we-" The stallion sighed, as I was already back at my table. So that was what happened. I ate quickly and went home. It was awkward. Ponies were talking behind my back about me? We were almost tightly knitted, even though we didn't even know eachother. The way we had always been together at this boring restaurant. Apparently I left before the good stuff happened? It all sounded like bad news, and the whole time the two stallions were looking at me. After thinking about it, I am not sure what to think about it. I think it was just the stallion saying things wrong. They were all nice ponies, I could tell. So for now doc, I am going to give it a rest before I show up again. I went home and changed myself, and here I am now. I can't believe my body betrayed me, and I had a accident. It sucks being this way, but at least they already knew about it. It sounded like Roger was making fun of himself when he called himself scribble. Anyway, I guess this is good-night. See you tomorrow. ================================================================================================= Note: I honestly don't know what to say about that. The group there sounds like they are comfortable with their problems, maybe he was trying to introduce you to that, but he did it wrong. I think he shouldn't have told you at all. Good thing you are a mare that would come back. It is your call if you want to get to know Roger, I haven't been at the restaurant, so I can't tell. It is good you are getting somewhere socially though. We will talk in my office tomorrow. Signed: Doc. Lee Journal: Dec. 12th and Dec. 14thDecember 12th: I like how the first thing you tell me after all that, is that my entries for the past few day haven't been good. I tell you all about something I didn't want to tell you about, and that is what you tell me? I know that sometimes I say your whole doctor attitude can get annoying, but I would rather you do that then just be straight rude. Honestly, after I said all that, I was expecting the whole doctor thing to cheer me up. Instead, I was told that what I was doing isn't good enough. It should be good enough that I'm doing this at all. I haven't really followed your rules at all anyway. I didn't want to talk about my mom because she is just another thing I lost that I loved. My life could have been a lot better, and every time I think about her, it makes me angry. Normal little fillies and colts, they dream. They dream big, and they want to accomplish big, and believe they are special. My mom tried to make me want to accomplish, and wanted me to think I was special. But I don't understand how she could make me think like I am worth it, and feel like I am worth it... But in the end, she left me in the dirt. I was left behind, standing in my brothers shadow, and stuck behind how great my twin sisters were too. I grew up know I would be a buck up. A diapered idiot, that nobody actually sees for who she is. Just a pony that still soils herself. How I would wish that I had someone that understood me. Oh wait! I do! Wait a second, I did. The only mare on the planet that understands you, from the day you are born, is your mother. I couldn't have that either. I could go on and on, see how talking about it already got me down on myself? That is why I didn't want to talk about it in the first place. Well, I guess I will get back into the journal routine, and express my feelings instead of complaining. I suppose some things went better today, after that awkward silence in your office. I actually want to talk to you about the journal in your office tomorrow. So we can discuss how many journal entries I make. You really think that one a day is a good idea? Why not 3 a week, or something. Then I will make a abridged, but detailed entry on the past couple of days. It must be boring reading about the crap I do everyday. I really am boring aren't I? We will talk about that tomorrow, but I should just stick with today. Right now it is around 11, and I was feeling pretty depressed this morning. After I came home from being out all day yesterday, I looked at all those pictures really late. They were what encouraged me to write to you. I was thinking about raging again, but then I noticed that I was having mare complications if you know what I mean. So if I was being a bitch, I am sorry. I don't know what got into me, but I think you could have understood. Was it even that bad? Back to where I was. I was pretty depressed this morning, because the shenanigans yesterday made me pull out all my old stuff. It was scattered around my room, so I woke up and wanted to be like; "Yay, new day, now I can forget all that junk from last night" but no, I don't clean up, ever, so it was more like; "Yay, a new day- Oh, there is that picture, that reminds me of that really depressing moment...". I went pretty bad last night, I had to change the sheets on my bed because I leaked. Maybe it was because I was drinking a lot of wine, or whatever alcoholic beverages I could find around my apartment. Don't worry, I'm not a drunk. Every once in awhile I drink, most of the time when I have unknown emotions. When I do, at least this stupid diaper does me something, by punishing me for it. I already have trouble getting up in the morning, so that is also a reason why alcohol doesn't work for me most of the time. I went to you, then I just enjoyed walking down the streets. It snowed again last night, so it was nice to enjoy the winter weather again. Things went my way this time. It started to rain! Most ponies get depressed from the cold, icy, and the sad atmosphere it creates, but I enjoy it. For one reason or another, it wasn't cold enough for snow again. I went shopping, since everypony was inside, stepping around in the cold slush. I got pretty wet, and the dress was pointless because you could see right through it. As I said, nopony was out, so it worked. When I got home, I saw that stuff again. Why I didn't put it away? I don't know, it was probably because I was hungover. It brought back some memories, and I couldn't help but to look through some old things after I changed out of my soaked dress, and got on a fresh undergarment. A lot of it was photos, scrapbooks, and some paperwork. They were stored in boxes that my dad forced me to take when I moved out. There was another box in my closet, that had to be pulled out eventually, but not today. Maybe I will look at it tomorrow and write about it for you. I have no idea what it is in there. I skipped the diner again, I usually don't go everyday anyway, they won't notice. I hope you take up the a journal every few days, and having all the detail of them in one entry. Note: Remember the whole talk on detail? If it is fresh in your mind every night, it will be easier to see what you are seeing. When we started, this was supposed to get a idea of your everyday life, not your life weekly. I guess you have a point though. You don't have too much to say. As long as you include what happened the previous day, we can set up a method where you come here, and write every other day. Anyway, everything sounded good, I would like to see whats in that other box though. Again, don't be afraid to bring things in. I'm still waiting on those foal pictures. I apologize for my last note. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I was kind of annoyed, I have been angry because of what I have been going through lately. There may be a problem when the baby is born. I guess I will take a week off, and you can continue to write. Then you can come meet him, and I we will continue our sessions at my apartment. You can even see him in the hospital if you like. December 14th: Holy bucking Celestia! I got the doc to agree on something, well hot damn. I think I am starting to get somewhere now he he he. I'm kidding, I won't be making anymore changes since you made my wish come true. I am worried about what you said about your son though. Will you really be gone for a week doc? What about the project? I'm not sure if I will write, if you are not reading. Hopefully I have different feelings when the time come. Good luck with the kid, it must stink being a single mother. I am still sure you will love him, and he will love you too. I am not very excited about meeting him though. Would it be awkward? I am your patient, I am sure you don't actually want me there, you are just being that way to be kind. Don't deny it either. I should move on. As promised, my reports will stay detailed, and speak of the the day we miss. Yesterday, I took the opportunity to clean up. It was getting dirty, and it just gets to the point where it is unbearable. I clean the kitchen, hallway, my bedroom, and my bathroom. The kitchen usually has smudges on my appliances, little stains from my coffee mug on the table, and other little dirty things that a sponge has no problem cleaning. The hallway needed to be vacuumed, and I had to get all those old pictures, scrapbooks, and other junk, out of my bedroom. Last, but not least, was the bathroom. It is the cleanest room in the house, and I think you should know why. I only go in there to brush my teeth, brush my coat, and look at myself in the mirror. I actually do most of my changing in my bedroom. Something always comes around to me when I come to this bathroom, it's this smudge. I have no idea where it came from, or why it is there, but whenever I go to clean it, I can't. I ignore it, and don't clean the mirror at all. When I stare into the mirror, I see myself. Ugly, little me, in my cute dress (more like really ugly dress). I stop myself from staring into my own eyes, and thinking about things that put me down, by looking at that smudge. Is it toothpaste?! Is it a hoofmark?! I have no idea what it bucking is! It is about the size of a hoof, maybe a little smaller. I should know who made it, since I never have any visitors. So when I looked at that smudge today, I didn't clean it again. Sad that I actually think about these simple little things. Most ponies don't stop and think about those very simple details that you don't notice in your everyday life. Yesterday... I had a stomach ache. Maybe it was something I ate, but I don't really want to go into detail on that. The last thing I was thinking about doing after that was going to the diner. You think wetting yourself in public is bad? Think about how it is with the other way around. For all that is holy, I don't think you want, or need detail on that. I am just going to say I napped all day, and went to bed early after a long day, it beginning at noon. So... boring. Today however, was a little more interesting. As promised, which I totally forgot about, I said I would open up the second box in my closet. Since the first box probably had just about everything depressing in it, I am really wondering what is in this second one. I bet it is just a bunch of belongings that my dad stuffed in there when I left. I need to tell you about that moment one day. You should have seen the- Not tears, not frown, and not normal old face, but actually the big, old, smile he had spread across his face the day I left. Now that folks, is what I call a loving father. Alright, so I took a shower a hour ago, and am dry for now. I opened up the box, and it was nothing too exciting. It was pretty heavy, and I almost broke my leg trying to open it. It had some weird items in it, and the box was actually kind of old. The first item was a helmet. Now this was not any helmet, it was the one that my mom got me. Now, I learned how the fly on my own through trial and error (More likes bumps, and more bruises), and since my mom was so busy working since dad was a lazy jerk, she bought me a helmet so I wouldn't crack my skull open. How generous of her. The next thing that laid in the box, was a plastic container full of dolls. Again, there weren't just any dolls, they were dolls that I loved. Why I loved them? My parents didn't get them for me. I got those dolls from finding them, or taking money out of my fathers wallet, the result was them being beaten. To this day, I have never felt bad for stealing money from him. Sometimes my brother got blamed for it, and I laughed my flank off when it wasn't me getting in trouble for once. There were a few other random items that didn't belong in there. Like a plate from a China set, and a silverware set, wherever those came from. I found my moms old high school yearbook, but I forgot her maiden name, and couldn't find her. Last but not least, was another scrapbook. This one was special, because it had a lot of pictures when I was really young. I looked through, and found one of me in the nursery when I was born. Taken by my dad, and guess what, it was horrible quality. Sometimes I don't understand why ponies don't love their offspring, he couldn't even take a good picture! I am his daughter, do you have any idea doc? That's it. I'm freezing, and getting sick of this holiday music on the radio. I am going to take some medicine so that I don't have any "pleasant surprises" from that stomach ache during the night. I guess this is goodnight doc, I won't see you in the morning. Even though I got off writing yesterday, I didn't get off from seeing you. Are you going to miss me? Probably not. Just don't have that baby on a day I'm not there, I want to see him. Note: That was okay. This method will work out, but you should really start going back to that diner. It seems like you have friends there, I would rather you go be social, then being home and drinking. Even though you said there is ways your body stops you from doing it, I don't want you drinking. It is a very bad idea. I would love for you to see him. Why would you think I wouldn't want to see you Annabelle? You really have no idea that we are very much the same. I am just as alone as you are! I'm 9 months pregnant, and single. I see a few doctors, and that is it! You are special, and unique, with a good story. I like talking to you, and reading your writing as well. You put in emotion, and that is why this project doesn't work for most. Everypony else just writes down boring things they think I want to hear. You put in your heart, and I like that. Author's Note Boring lately? I notice. I am working to some very close big plot points Still... Thank all of you for the support. Journal: 16thAlright... One problem doc. I am glad I'm entertaining you, but I don't care how nice my story is. The problem is that I am lonely, depressed, and poor. As sweet as my story may be, along with how much feeling I put into doesn't matter. What matters is that I am improving, and I honestly am not. Where was it thought that me, a fully grown mare now, would improve by writing in a journal. It sounds like a school house punishment. I am just seeing how big of a buck up I really am with this. That is why I drink. It isn't hurting me or anything, I've drank since I was a teen, it helps me more then anything. Makes me forget how messed up things really are right now. Is that the wrong way of thinking? Yes it is. Then why am I killing my liver, and just making myself more sad then I already am? I figured it out today, all of it. It is pretty simple really, and I have been angry all day because of it. Okay so first, yesterday. How usual, I didn't do much. I restocked my supply of undergarments, food, and other things. I decided to buy another dress too, that isn't so plain. It is kinda frilly, so it isn't so tight against my flank. I walked around the city, and bought lunch on the street. The diner was closed oddly, so I just went home and ate a tub of Ice Cream, while listening to this special on the radio. It is when all these ponies call in and talk about their problems. I think I have talked about it before, but it is just a bunch of whiners. Hey, let's be honest. I whine, a lot... but I do it in here. It is what I was blessed with, not much I can do to change it. I embrace it. Anyway, a bunch of ponies call in and whine about their special someponies... Ha! At least you have one! Talking about how they 'Cheat'. Really?! You are telling me that some stallions and mares are so lucky to have two ponies that love them? Some of us need to get our facts straight. Like you. Yeah, you doc. You aren't nearly the same as me. You have a baby... I have nothing.... Alright, so you ready for this? Today I really had good luck. I probably stepped on too many cracks, walked under too many ladders or saw a black cat. But Miss Annabelle, I thought those things were supposed to cause bad luck? Oh really? I mean't bad luck. I always have bad luck, when don't I? I had the bad luck to be stuck in a diaper, like some type of oversized baby, who can't control her bodily functions. Too the point where you are made fun of by the ones who are supposed to be wearing them. I am just so... Off, today. I am really mad about this. I was walking down the street today. It was a normal morning, and the streets were clear. It was that really cold overcast kinda weather, typical for this time of year. Along with this time of year comes the smells of the season too. That smell of pumpkin pie, with other dinner items eaten on the holidays. I always liked this time of year when I was a filly, everything was so festive. I heard the ringing of the bells too, along with choirs. This part of the year is honestly magical... For most of us. So it was beautiful! I wanted to get into the spirit, so I decided to walk into Neighcy's super store. Why not right? Get to see all the cute toys, maybe a couple of excited kids waiting to see Santa. It was the most festive place to be. I saw this really cute toy. It was a jack-in-the-box, that was old fashioned. It played a cute little melody when you played it, then it popped. I really liked it, and thought about buying it. As I continued to fiddle with it, a little filly walked up. "Excuse me miss" The little filly chirped as I looked down. "Oh..." I hesitated "Hello sweetheart... What is it?" "Can I have one of those?" The pink filly replied, reaching up at the table. I had other concerns, while I grabbed one for the little thing. "I will... But, where are your parents?" "My mommy? She's shopping!" The filly waited patiently as I handed her a box. "Don't you think you should be with your mommy? I am sure she is wondering where you are. She probably would be really upset if she lost you" The filly shook her head at my response. "Nuh-uh!" "Hmm... Well, does she know where you are?" I said getting on eye level with her. She was indeed little, probably only three. I have to admit Lee, she was fricken adorable. She had the smoothest pink coat I have seen on a girl her age, with a curly, but long blonde mane. Her neck had a scarf around it. "-No...." She shook her head with the response. The melody played as she winded it up with her hoof nervously. "Little filly... I think you should go back to your mommy" I offered her a hoof. But she pulled away "Please... I don't want you to get in trouble sweet-" *POP!* And like that, we both jumped. I chuckled a little, it really got me. But... I look down, and there that cute little face is, tearing up. Seconds later she started bawling her eyes out, and I had no idea what to do. All the parents nearby started staring at me. All I could do is stand there, hoping the mom would show up or something while I looked back and fourth frantically. At the same time, that audible hiss was heard. I closed my eyes, rubbing my head as I wet myself. Typical. My dress didn't really hide it either. I cursed Celestia. "Please... Little filly... It was just a toy, it is okay" I said as I put the box back. The three year old finally calmed down, her sobbing turning into whimper as I rubbed her head. Boy, was she cute... But... then it got even worse. "S-scary..." The little filly sniffled. I helped her up. "I know... Let's go-" I said as i picked her up, but then I turned around and bumped into a mare. A older mare, probably in her 40's. "What in the hell do you think you are doing with my child?" "Uhh" I hesitated which was stupid "I-I- I was just going to return her to you" I smirked awkwardly. I wasn't lying, but it probably looked like I was. The mare snatched her child back. "Sweetheart... Did this mare hurt you?" The mother asked as she cradled the little pegasus. She nodded. What a traitor! I didn't lay a hoof on her! "We need to call security!" "Ma'am, I swear I didn't lay a hoof on her. She was startled by the Jack-in-the-box, I s-swear!" I said, shaking my head. "You freak! Don't ever lay a hoof on my daughter again!" The mare looked at my back side... What do you think she noticed? My diaper. Of course. With my luck, she didn't have sympathy, she didn't even notice it was incontinence. Instead, she chuckled "Pedophile" The mare said, walking away. That moment, my heart sank deeper into me. The words stuck. For having a disorder, I was called a pedo. "Is that mare wearing a diaper?" "Eww... What in the world is that girl wearing?" "Wow... What a freak" "Mommy! Mommy! Why is that mare wearing a diape? Isn't she a big girl?" All the voices came from the crowd gathering around me. Stupid city ponies, they all laughed, giggled, made comments. I teared up, like the foal I was. Emotions bottled up, and all I could do is scream at the top of my lungs. You would think they would get it, but after a silence, they just cracked up. I ran out crying. I'm done writing. I don't have anything to say. I just want to see how you fix this ================================================================================================= Author's Note Just a chapter I'm posting to show I still exist Journal: 18th (The Christmas Dance)To Miss Annabelle: We're sorry to inform you, but Doctor Lee is not in the office today! Yesterday she went into labor and gave birth to her healthy little colt early in the morning. She won't be having any visits for 2 weeks, so please continue any activities she assigned for you to do. We're sorry here at PLR Offices. Please have a happy and safe holidays. Thank You, P.L.R. Psychiatrist Offices ==============================================================================================. So, I have to admit that I haven't been staying on my journal for a couple of days now. Well, only one, but the reason why is because I didn't have to. I have to admit that because of what happened with you, that I didn't continue and had no plans of continuing. I could continue to write everyday while I give you the little things like the incident on the 16th. Days where my bodily functions betray me and public, but isn't that all just the same manure? Let's face it doc, you know. You know it all, because you went to some big school in where-ever. You know my life sucks, and that's why you are 'helping' me. Well, I stopped, because you weren't there. So what brought me back? Hope. Hope that writing will some how still straighten things out before the holidays. It's damn near impossible, that's for sure, but it is definitely worth a try. The mare at your desk said she had no idea when you are going to come back, although that letter said two weeks. I heard it takes some time to recover from having a foal. You officially have two now doc, congrats. I understand that you will take a lot of time to recover right? A week? No, you lied to me. Now it's going to be 2 weeks, still not that, it's actually going to be who-the-hell knows how long. It's okay though right? I get to meet the baby! A little young one, a fellow diapered companion, who will actually not judge me because of my disability. Even better, in the hospital when he is all swaddled and tiny in the nursery. You didn't give me that either. I was totally right, you're only a doctor to me, and not anywhere close to a friend. I don't know the story behind why, but that really hurts that you forgot about me. So, I might as well just get to it. My daily life. The life of Annabelle, which is somewhat so interesting to go into this book. Maybe it will be published and loved by many, but no. Nopony cares about the incontinent mare. But with what happened yesterday, I can't be so negative, because I did find the one pony who cared. It's actually a interesting story, what happened yesterday. But, I have to get through all the boring details first, and it all started with a groggy morning, the mirror with it's horrible stain, brushing my teeth and getting that taste in my mouth that I could taste in my breakfast, then finally coming all the way to your office in a used diaper, just to figure out you actually weren't there. I was given some stupid note, then told that the note was actually wrong, and who knows how long you will be. Fine, I don't need you anyway. Just this stupid marble notebook. I ate breakfast, listened to DJ- PD in the morning, and felt pretty depressed as I watched ponies on the street scatter around with last minute shopping for the big holiday coming up. Only if I could be a part of it, but hey, as I said nopony. That includes family, friends, and yes... Even you Doc. I don't really even want to talk about my day. I didn't do anything in the afternoon, other then sleep and mope. The fun begins later on, when I decided to return to the restaurant where I was oh so missed. I did something different this time, and that was, I wore a coat. A coat didn't cover my flank, so everypony knew what I was wearing as a I trotted down the street. I felt like everypony was staring at me, every single one, but I decided to do it to not prove a point to them, but to Scribble at the bar. I froze all the way there, my face was as red as a tomato when everypony looked at me, but I was glad to have had such a ego boost when I arrived home in the morning today. Yes, I am writing this in the morning for once, better yet, at almost 8 in the morning. That's a new record for earliest for a pony to ever wake up. When I arrived, I threw the squeaky old door open and made my appearance noticeable. I threw my coat on the coat rack, and oh my Celestia, I was in nothing but a diaper. A rather absorbent one, which was that way because of it's decent size. Not bigger than usual, but I couldn't go light in case of a leak. I understand I wanted to be tough and all, and ditch the dress, but even I wouldn't be able to take the pure embarrassment of leaking somehow. My body can be unpredictable in that way. Anyway, instead of sitting at a booth, I sat at the bar. I ordered some whiskey, and drank with almost a sass in my attitude. I was one seat away from the mysterious lonely mare, the one that waited in her finest of clothes each night for Celestia-knows-who, and of course Spark, the retired crazy old captain who called me Diaper Mare. For some reason, the way I was acting now, I felt like I was sitting around a bunch of ponies I knew by heart. Maybe I felt this odd sensation because at that moment, the moment I plumped my fluffy flank on that stool, everypony was staring at me. "What in the hell happened to you DM?" A large figure grumbled beside me, after a few minutes of silence, and time for me to take mutible sips of my drink "Well-" I said, putting my drink down to reply to Spark's comment "I don't know Captain Pinhead, just sick of that usual, cocky, city air" Spark slammed his hoof down, chuckling loudly as he took a large swig of his drink, slamming that down, and offering me a hoof "As are all we DM! Welcome, finally, at last. Why don't you get yourself another drink-" he said, looking at her empty glass "-and talk for awhile. It seems you had a bit of a ego boost" Spark took a eye to my diaper. "Hey!" I growled. I moved my tail to cover the side of my garment "Don't look down there!" "Oh?" Spark picked up his drink again "Yes, I understand. Your diaper is so embarrassing. Being in incontinent, most likely. Definitely not as embarrassing as showing up to a formal navy party in swimming trunks and a parrot" "Oh I remember that one" Scribble, or Roger, giggled in the back at his booth "Or the time Twister kicked out his own mother!" "Aye guys..." Twist said in his thick accent "I know it was my momma, she was just.... Annoyin' me, that's all" "That was no reason to punch her" Spark snickered "She's your mother you nub!" "Augh..." Twister said, waving his hoof at them as he stood at his position in front of the bathroom door. I just sat there, giggling a little at their remarks. I seemed to have disappeared in the conversation, which I was very thankful for. Spark stood up and pointed at the bartender. He wasn't paying attention, but he was listening. I knew him as the manager "And this guy right here went on a rant and exploded one day, when he ran outside at noon and threw a fit because nopony was in the restaurant that day. He never noticed the closed sign was still flipped over!" He laughed hysterically, and I had to laugh too. The short little pony, his hooves all in a knot over his obvious bad business. He seemed like the stallion that would have Neighpolean's Syndrome. Spark approached me, taking a seat beside me and wrapping a hoof around me. When he did that, instead of being creeped out, I was rather... Happy. I was really happy for once in my life, like I was accepted. He was just a old, sailor, drinking until his head would explode, and hell, he was having a good time doing it. He told me that I was on everypony's side "Hey DM" he said in his friendly voice "We all make fun of each other here! Trust me! Nobody cares that you're wearing a diaper. Like you said, no cocky, city air in here. Just a few nuts having a good ol' time. You can join us... Unless you're gonna let your silly problem hold you back any longer" "I think I have let my problem hold me back for too long" I said, as I let my tail hang again "But now I must wonder how I'm going to stick with so many big, strong, stallions. I'm am just a little helpless mare" I said this in a happy tone, just playing around to see what they would say. "Are you kidding?" "Wait what..." "Are yah' sayin' what I think ur sayin?" Twister said, speaking for Scribble and Scrawl who were chuckling "Miss, you just took down 2 glasses of whiskey in no more than 10 minutes, I am sure you can stick with us" I looked down at the empty glass in my hand, and hell, it was already empty again from Spark's complementary filling. I went to pull out a bag of bits from my coat to get another glass, but I was stopped by Spark. After that, he gave me a funny look. Obviously drinks were on the house tonight, and it was always that way so close to the big holiday. I smiled and sat back down on that stool for what was going to be a long, eventful night. It all started with that fist glass of alcohol, and continued each one after that. Each glass something new happened. We discussed politely on my 3rd and 4th glasses, but when we moved onto beer cans, things got a little more frindly. We became closer and closer to eachother, both physically and mentally. Eventually we were all sitting at the bar, secluded from the mysterious mare, of course, but Twist, Spark, Scribble, the owner, and myself all drank and talked. I felt the closest to Scribble the whole night, we all got to know each other better, but Scribble and I were getting the closest, oddly enough Doc, almost like a romance. But it didn't last long as I was on my 3rd can of beer. At that point we were getting hammered. The manager turned on the radio, and Christmas music played loudly. The place was even brighter as he turned on the multi-colored Christmas lights around the bar. It not only started to get warm from that cheery feeling of Christmas I haven't felt since I was 4, but also with the feeling of being with 4 ponies that I loved more and more as the night went on. Complete strangers! Strangers that felt the same pain though. I could drink forever, but around the 5th can of beer, I started to slow down. I was at the point where I was hammered, but it didn't matter anyway, because we all went onto the dance floor as 'Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree' came on. We were all sort of dizzy, but we all swung to the old song, in the small area open at the bar for such recreation. Spark sung along for a bit, until he eventually got a dancing partner. You wouldn't believe it, but it looks like that mysterious mare was following the same ideas we were! She seemed to have drank a fair amount, and she revealed herself. Taking off her coat, revealed a older mare, around her 40's. I could of swore I've seen her before, but I couldn't put my hoof on it at that moment. She danced slowly with Spark, until he gave her a little spin. The mare almost fell over, but she started giggling and showing obvious signs she was having a good time. I was a little shy doc, this was my first interaction in awhile and I was expecting something to come, but I didn't know when it was coming, even in my drunken state. All I knew is I couldn't deny it. When I saw Scribble looking over at Spark, then at me, I knew he was going to ask for a dance. I wobbled over to him, as he came up to me. We were both a bit stoned, so we giggled when I fell into his arms. I looked up at him and it was like he was sparkling in the green and red lights on the dance floor. His brown mane, the same color as the bar, his coat was grey like the sidewalk outside, and his eyes, staring into mine, were just as vibrantly blue. I always looked at him at him from afar, but this close, he was all I wanted to see. My heart pounded Doc, and all he could do is giggle at me. I have no idea how I looked, I leaked last night although I didn't want to, so I know at that moment whatever condition my diaper was in was a bad one. But, Scribble didn't care, or Roger as I referred to him that night. That was his real name, and he started calling me by mine "Annabelle" he said "May I have this dance?" "W-Well" I said, stuttering. He swung me around, and I didn't expect it. I giggled loudly as he held me close "I'll take that as a yes... Just follow my steps" After that moment, I held him close as he lead my hooves to the song. It wasn't the best dancing song, but it made perfect for us, at this moment. We took it slow as he turned, slowly moving about the dance floor. I wobbled a few times, almost falling with how dizzy I was, but each time he caught me every time. Somehow he kept his balance. As we went on, I put my head against his, accidentally. It gave me some support from falling over, and it seemed to stay there. We both looked into each others eyes, smiling mischievously, as well as happily. My heart was about to pound out of my chest, so, even drunk, I remember blushing immensely. I never had a dance like this. Roger sped it up "Alright now... You hold tight" I held tight and he gently picked me up from my hips (Over the straps of my diaper, but at this point, did he really care?) he spun me around at the end of the song, pulled me up, and landed me up on my hooves gracefully. The song ended, and we looked up at each other. Another song came and took it's place, as we still looked at each other, hesitating before the next move. I spoke up for once "Well..." I panted "My p-partner. I think we need a bit of a r-refresher, no?" Roger chuckled, rubbing my back gently "That was beautiful Annabelle" After that, we were even closer and everypony knew it. It was like Spark and Twist were planning it, they smiled at us as I put my head up against him a few times at. I was drunk, sure, he was too... But the connection still felt just as warm and heartfelt. It was like Christmas came early. He was my gift this year. I couldn't want anything more. Maybe I'm just being the typical love-struck mare, but that's really how I felt. Diaper? Who even cared anymore at that moment. As the night went on, it got a lot more... well, warm. It's the only word I can use to describe it. Twist eventually left, as he finished his last drink while the slower music played. The manager started to wipe down the bar, and clean up, as Spark slowly danced his last dance with the mysterious mare. After that, he left too. It was just him and I, the manager left us alone as we both stayed so close at the bar. We both took sips of our drinks, laughing and giggling about life experiences that weren't depressing in this state, but funny instead. Even those stories seemed to connect to him and his life. Roger didn't have to wear diapers to feel the same pain. After one more dance, with the same warmness, and closeness I shared with my partner, we both went into the back, and I don't want to say what happened from there. The dance was slow this time, and only the two of us to 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas' and he showed the same affection, and romantic dancing. When we were done, we went to his apartment, while the manager closed up and we left, leaving the old little paradise of mine alone in the snowy night. I can't even remember what happened that night, in that bed, but it was full of bliss. I know what you're thinking, but I tell you to put those thoughts away. When I woke up in the morning, I woke up in his apartment, in bed beside him. I kissed him on the head, left a little note on his nightstand, and left while he was still sleeping. When I walked home, I didn't have my coat, or surprisingly, a diaper. Yeah, I walked home basically naked. I felt like a new pony. As I walked home in the early morning, things just glowed so much brighter. Ponies didn't stare at me, though, I don't even think I would notice if they were when I was wearing my diaper. I had went a thousand times the previous night, since that much alcohol really went right through me. The hangover couldn't even effect the lust I was in so early this morning, at 5 in the morning, in the snow. Doc, I felt like I could sing like in one of those movies. I returned home and put a diaper on, of course. I decided to hang some decorations up, and decorate my pathetic little tree in my house very beautifully. I hummed to myself while I played Christmas music, much of the same music I heard the night before. After this, all so early, I came here to write to you. Life seems to be showing me a path. Things may straighten out if I get to know Roger, the scribbler at the bar, just a little more. I could have someone that loves me, and supports me, although I have a disability. Doc, I haven't even had that when I was a little filly. I think I found my friends, so I don't exactly need you anymore. I still feel a little betrayed, but it may just be my headache I have. I am so happy right now, it just wants to find something to get mad at. Well Doc, I guess I'm going to sign off now. I have some shopping to do, as well as a bar to go to later. Merry Christmas, I guess, and I wish you and your baby luck. I hope that little colt has a good holiday, as well as yourself. I know you can overwork yourself sometimes. Why don't you find something like I did last night? Maybe a stallion of your own? Ha, I'm kidding, but don't let this holiday breeze over you. We only have so many in a lifetime. Author's Note I STATE MANY TIMES "CHRISTMAS" INSTEAD OF HEARTH'S WARMING I got sick of ponifying everything. I couldn't right the same warmness, or feeling to it, without it actually being the Christmas we all know and love. So ignore that, please... I'm sorry Journal Entries: December 1st - December 3rd================================================================================================= 100 PAGE COMPOSITION BOOK ================================================================================================= This Journal Belongs To: Annabelle Feather Number: 856-555-4545 Return To: 21, 36th Street, Floor 6, Apartment 8, Manehattan, New York. ================================================================================================= December 1st: Hello. I don't exactly know who I am talking to, or why, but I am just going to confess to something now. I don't want to jib-jab for 10 paragraphs trying to get this out. I am Annabelle, and I wear diapers. What? Didn't expect that? Well join the club, neither do most ponies I meet. Why? Well, what do you think? I like it? No, no way. It is because whoever is up there, looking down at me, blessed me with a disability. A horrible one too. I am incontinent. Guess what that means? I have no control over my bladder or bowels. So that is why I am stuck in this thing. I would rather have ADHD, or be bipolar, but instead I have to walk around with my bathroom strapped to me. So, I told you that. You can stop reading now, and laugh. I get it a lot actually. It is fine, but we are moving on. Second thing I want to tell you, is that I don't want to write this. My doctor told me that if I write out my feelings in this composition book, I would feel a lot better about myself. That, and the doctor could see what my day to day life is, and how to fix it. It all started yesterday, when she handed me this book, with the stupid marble print on it. I found another use for this thing, other then to write out my "Feelings". I am going to use it to promote anger, and to whine a lot. It is a good idea, since I don't have a single pony to complain to, other than doc. I guess this is my first journal entry. I am really just finding ways to fill it up. My goal is to fill more then a page a day, and it is also what the doctor ordered. As I said before, my name is Annabelle, my full name is Annabelle L. Feather. I would prefer if I was just called Annabelle doc, I hate it when you use my full name. I am 22 years old, live in a Manehatten apartment alone, and I am a pegasus. As I look down at myself, I guess you could say I am pretty. The mirror beside me, in this room I sit writing in, I see myself. Short little me, a brunette, with a blonde coat. Or maybe it's yellow? Anyway, of coarse you can't see most of my coat, because it is covered by a ugly dress I always wear. Last, but definitely not least, is the great diaper, as it is failing to hide behind my clothes. There you have it folks! Annabelle the pegasus. As for personality, I am often told I am extremely friendly, and sometimes shy. I never get angry at others, other than in this book, and my own thoughts. I guess after all these years of being bullied for my condition, you could say I know how to deal with everyday crap. I am able to ignore all the ignorant ponies, and don't get upset that easily. This is probably the most feelings I ever put into a writing piece. My occupation is that I write, my covered cutie mark is a pen, and pencil. Now, don't start thinking that this journal is going to be something I actually put all my heart in. This isn't something that is going to be published, or be looked at other then by you. I write sci-fi anyway, not really this kinda stuff. You said not to think of you as the audience, but that is what is going to happen anyway. Let us see here. I am supposed to write out what my day was like? Well, if you say so. Today was a Tuesday, yesterday I saw you, doc. I woke up, changed out of a used undergarment, and did the daily stuff. I ate a egg sandwich, and listened to the news on the radio. By then it was already, like, 2. I usually sleep in late, until 12. I stay up late and read books, or work on my writing peices late at night. So everyday, I like to change things up. When the clock strikes 2, maybe I will go out and shop, or maybe bake a pie. I don't prefer going out, I wear the dress, but it honestly doesn't cover up this fluffy thing. The only thing that it does is hide what is going on in it. I still get a few glares, but other then that, people mind their business. When it is around 6, I go to my favorite diner, where probably my only friends are. All the waitresses know me, and there are some others loners, like myself, that hang about. I eat, go home, write, change, and then sleep. That is my day. Happy now? I definitely feel the change in me right now *Sarcasm* I think this is enough for today, not really actually, but I want to go to bed. I'm a little damp, so I guess I will change. You know everything already, why do I have to explain it again? It is late, and I want to go to bed. The heat in the building is off, so I am freezing. I guess that is the advantage of this dress, and diaper thing right? I honestly don't think this will help my problem, I guess I will just use this for what I said. Whining, complaining, and possibly something to do when I'm bored. So, good night folks, or doc. ================================================================================================= Note: You really should not think of me as your audience, or it won't work. I suggest you lighten up a bit too, or this project will just be another source of stress. Act like a totally, unknowing pony is reading this, and just describe what your day was like, like you did. Just, don't have a attitude. Signed: Doctor. Lee December 2nd: Don't have a attitude? I feel like you're a teacher, I think the way this will work is by letting me adjust. I have to admit that yesterday I was being irrational. I just have a question though. Do I have to see you everyday? It is a long walk to the office for you to read this junk. Can't we do this every few days? Or maybe you can come here? Honestly, I have no idea how long we are going to do this, but you know I don't like going out into public with this thing on. Alright so you said, totally unknowing pony. Got it. Lets just say that this "Unknowing pony" read the above. I guess they want to know how this happened to me? Maybe who my family is? Well first I better explain my attitude from yesterday. I guess I was just in a bad mood, I ran out of coffee, and was really hungry. Didn't get much for dinner that night too. Anyhow, let me continue, with my amazing story *More sarcasm*. It all started when I was really little. Back when I couldn't do anything without my parents help. When I was the cutest newborn around, and actually got some attention for once. In the near future, I would become the middle child, but that is a story for another time. I was born premature, and was very sickly. My folks wondered if I would even live. Thanks to a couple of miracles, I lived, and grew up healthy. I had heart problems, along with a refusal to eat, and they stuck around until I was a toddler. When I was about 3, it all started to happen. How I got stuck in these things. The things that would get me bullied in school, and anti-social as a adult. At three, you usually are being trained, or already are trained in that manner. When I was sat down, and told to go, I just couldn't. They would pick my little flank up, put me back in trainers, and then I would go. This went on, until I eventually sat on toilet for hours, until I went without control. My dad also yelled at me a lot, took things away, and even beat me. Yeah, dad was harsh, especially since he only cared about my amazing brother in college, and adorable, newborn twin sisters. I was just the forgotten middle child. Anyway, it got to the point where they finally wondered if something was wrong. I stayed in diapers until 5, and they thought maybe I was mental or something, being pretty immature too. They confirmed that I was incontinent in the doctors office. I had things poked where I don't like to be poked, I was pressed in places I really didn't like to be pressed, and after a lot of discomfort, they found it out and explained it. I was told that in the woom, the nerves needed for such activities weren't developed correctly. The only way to fix it was to get a extremely expensive surgery that would give me a very small amount of control, or wear diapers for the rest of my life. So here I am! Whats next? Oh yeah, my day. It was the usual, other then I had to go to the doc at 2. It took awhile to get there, and I had to wait longer until she was done with somebody else. Finally it was my turn, she read, and I left at 3:30. I headed to church, and prayed. Then I went to the diner early, around 5:30. A couple of friends were there. So unknown mysterious pony (that is secretly the doctor *gasp*), I guess you want to know about the doctor! Oh, well she is a swell mare. Doctor Lee wears a white coat, glasses, and is probably a little older then me. She is a single mother, expecting a child in a month. How ironic, she is going to have two babies now. Anyhow, she has a blonde mane, and a coat color that is darker then mine. She tells me about herself a lot, like how her husband left her, and sometimes I feel like I'm her favorite patient. I am unique, and I don't blame her, I am pretty awesome (Kidding, my ego isn't that high). Well, I'm bored. I think I'm done tonight. I have no idea if my attitude was better, but this was better then yesterdays. I guess this won't be that bad, it is something to do late at night. I usually just sit around, writing, or reading, while I soil myself. I need to go out tonight and buy more diapers actually, I'm running out. That is another question I am sure you have. How is it actually buying the things? Well, since I walk into the store, where it is already obvious what I'm wearing, they don't care. I guess ponies understand that I have a problem, and unless the cashier is a jerk, they won't say anything either. So g'night doc. See you in the morning... I guess. ================================================================================================= Note: You aren't really meeting your required amount of words. I recommend going into detail on more things. I really want to hear about your friends at the diner. Do they accept you? Or do they ignore you? You mentioned they were loners, and I am happy to hear that you have found some ponies you like. Last, I do want to see your journal everyday, I will come by your house if you don't want to come. Just remember, I am the pregnant one here. It is not very fun for me to walk far either. Tell you what, we will switch every other day. Signed: Doctor Lee December 3rd: More words, more detail, and you told me in the office that you wanted me to talk more about my other problems. I guess the unknown reader wants to know why I am here in the first place. Well, it isn't just because of my diaper problems, it is also because I always have been anti-social, always was depressed, and not anywhere close to actually having a life. I got a therapist, Doc, to help me deal with all these problems. I honestly have had financial issues too. I write pieces on the internet and make a decent amount of money, but I am mostly running off my brothers money. The jerk lent me some money so I wouldn't starve. Tons of sibling hatred for him, I was always compared to him. So the doc helps me with all these problems I have, I am one troublesome mare aren't I? My family was always a problem. When I went to school, and was bullied by all the mean city kids, they were never around to help. When I needed to learn to fly, my pegasus mother didn't care, making me learn by myself. Yeah, she gave me a helmet and wished me luck, awesome, right? There was times they ignored my grades, and didn't care about what my special talent was. It sucked, and set me up for this life. This was back when I didn't wear a dress either, people could just see when I wet myself. A big yellow stain, and I didn't notice until I sat in my own filth, or a kid pointed it out. I could go randomly, even in middle of a conversation. I got all sorts of insults, and they all went unnoticed, even by the teacher. Some of them included calling me a baby, saying I smell, not wanting to be in groups with me, shooting spit balls, calling me diaper girl, staying away from me, and last but not least, tripping me every time I left. Mommy and daddy never let anyone hurt their little angels, the problem was I wasn't a angel. If anything like that happened to my siblings, it would be justified instantly. Alright, so the friends at the diner. Well, first of all, the diner reminds me a lot of myself. It is small, and located on a small street. Some of its lights are out, and it is beaten up, but surprisingly, a new building on the street. It is forgotten, and down sometimes, like me. The ponies there are also a lot like me. The waitresses are all sweet, and all have children at home. 3 of the 6 of them are single, and have this job to support their young ones. So they feel pain, like I do. One older mare, always comes and dressed up in the nicest of her clothes, and finest jewlery. She waits, and orders a drink while she stares into the walls of the dimly lit place. Some say, that she is waiting for a long lost love, that she lost years ago. A stallion, that was my age, has a similar cutie mark, and is always typing on a typewriter in the back. He was there everyday, working, and crumbling up papers. His story was that he was constantly trying to write the perfect novel, but like me, he didn't have much support. The stallion was a earth pony, and was suspicious. Sometimes our eyes met. I wouldn't call him a friend, but we all have the same feelings. I talk to him sometimes, and he isn't disgusted by me, at all. Another weird thing is that he gets uptight about me looking at his work. So yeah, that isn't it, I have plenty in the diner. Those two were always there, I am not sure if I want to get into the others. We are almost like a club though, they are the family I never had... Or ever talked to. I usually order pasta, which is always delicious. Just because it was beaten, didn't mean it couldn't produce good food still. A lot like me, so many ponies judged from the exterior. The only problem with the pasta, is that everything I eat, has to be regulated. I know it is gross, but if I eat too much... I don't need to go into detail. Today was a little different. It has been that way since I have been talking to you in the afternoon doc. I woke up early, and listened to the news awhile longer. I heard all about Princess Celestia and Twilight Sparkle. I got changed out of a diaper that was wetter then usual, then put on a new dress and got ready to see you. But guess what! When I came to the door, I opened it and you were there! I totally forgot about our little deal, and I guess it is alright if we switch off everyday. I do feel bad for making you walk all the way here in your condition. Sometimes I wonder if you actually like me, or if I am just another client. You seem to do things for me, which is nice. But again, if you need me to come to you more often, it is alright. I also hope you are covered for when you go into labor. Who is going to help you when you're home alone? I decided that this is okay. I mean, I felt a little better today. I don't think I wrote much more. Maybe I will get even more into detail. Having someone... or something to tell everything to, is better than nobody right? Your little notes help, just tell me what you want more of, it sets a line for what I'm writing. It looks like I am out of stuff to say, I guess tomorrow I will talk about more of my "Friends". I am pretty tired, it was a long day, and I want to get changed. So I guess I will see you later doc, have a nice night, and I will see you in the morning. Good luck with your son. ================================================================================================= Note: Better... You still need more detail. You are a writer! I don't mind you telling me about your "accidents", they let me have a better idea about what you are going through. If I know what is happening, I can help you. Talk about what you hear on the news, how you felt that morning, or maybe any problems you encountered. It will get you to talk more. I have to say that I would like to hear more about your friends. Did you ever think that the stallion in the corner is writing about you? Or have you thought about giving the older mare company? I like that you compare yourself to the diner and it's people. Also, thank you for concern about me. We are doing just fine, the baby is totally healthy, and happy. He may be born around the holidays. I have got that covered, I am staying at my sisters for the time being. I am not enjoying it there, I am very uncomfortable sleeping on the couch. Lets just get you in order first, though. I do enjoy being your doctor, and trust me, I am much more then just your doctor. I can be your friend, and I can see you more often then just in the office. Keep writing... and enjoy the rest of your weekend. Signed: Doctor Lee Author's Note This is a new layout, that a lot of people haven't seen before, so let me state some things: This layout is semi-based off that of a book called "Scrawl" There will be a lot more detail and dialogue It is written by the main character, so there will be errors, being that it is in a composition book (Imagine yourself reading it as the perspective of the doctor) I also know this will get disliked. Yeah, it is just fact. After someone reads the first couple of sentences, notices this is my first story, or notices it included diapers, they will probably hit that dislike button. It is fine, I guess it is okay, but I am enjoying writing this. I also am hoping others like me enjoy it. Journal Entries: December 8th-11thDececmber 8th: I am the type of mare that would come back. That diner is the only place I feel at home. It feels... Special to me, if the ponies there are jerks, or not. I just like how it is unique, like myself, although it doesn't seem that way on the outside. The ponies there are all unique in that same way too, and I guess what you said was possible. They are all comfortable sharing their problems with the posse, but I don't think that he should have mentioned mine. Maybe if I knew him, we had been talking for awhile. The only people that are aloud to ask me about this problem is... You... and- I guess, you. Anyhow, I think he tried to correct himself, I will give Roger another chance it seems. You don't have too many questions about this stuff though doc, I don't think you would understand. Well, something happened to me today, that really brought my mood down. I saw you at 2 today, after waking up this morning extremely late. We talked, and you know what we talked about. I gave you some more detail on the restaurant, and told you more about the ponies there. Once that was over, however, I walked home and saw something that touched me. There was a little filly, and her mother, both walking down the street. It must have been her first day going to school, probably a exchange student or something, but it was noticeable. The little foal being maybe around 4 or 5, was probably one of the cutest children I have ever seen, and her mother was very young. She was wearing a name tag, had all new things, and was wearing a big winter coat, and a scarf. I actually didn't think anything of it, before I saw the mother turn the little girl around. "Where is the bus mommy?" The little one asked, as her ears were high up, listening around. Her fur coat was a light grey, and she had a dark brown mane, like her mother. "Are you listening?" The mother replied, her voice was very soft. "Yes mommy" "It is a pulled cart. A lot like the ones you hear around here. The thing that is different about it, is all the excited foals just like you. I am sure you can make it out." It was obvious that she was blind. Now, that is so much worse then my condition. I only have to deal with embarrassment, but her next statement made me feel sympathy, and later on, depression. "Will they like me?" "Well sweetie, I love you, and I know you are a very special girl, although you have a little problem. Just remember that if you can't run, then walk-" The little girl stopped her mother, by continuing her sentence. "-And if you can't walk, then crawl, and if you can't crawl, then squirm. But whatever you do, do not stop moving forward" she smiled, and her voice was so innocent, and beautiful. "That's right. Good luck okay, I see the cart coming now. I love you very much, and I always will. Don't let anyone be mean to you, just keep moving forward, and you will be a very smart mare when you grow up" the cart stopped in front of them, as I stood back and watched. The little filly felt around, trying to find the steps onto the yellow cart, and it wasn't until the mother helped her that she was on her way. I walked passed that mare, and I looked back at her. She smiled at me, minutes after she stood at the stop in silence. Nopony ever smiles at me, I usually get smirks, or insults, but she actually smiled. I don't know, it was just touching, and it was sweet to see a mother and daughter like that. Especially a little girl that had a problem like her. That little filly was blind! I would get spitballs shot at me, given insults, but I could defend myself. That filly can't defend herself at all, and there could be so many cruel tricks for the bullies to come up with to mess with her. When I got home it brought back some thoughts. I never been fully honest with you doc, and I told you awhile ago, but I didn't go into great detail. My real mother was a lot like me. We almost looked exactly like each other, and she loved me more then anything. That was before she divorced my father when I was 8, and left forever. I know I am the middle child, but she was the only one that respected me, up until I was 7. The reason my dad was able to abuse me, is because while he was home, my mom was always busy working. She was so beautiful, and kind when she was around, but I always displayed her to be the same as my dad, to avoid thinking about her. The mother I saw at the bus stop, the way she had affection for her daughter even though she was disabled, it reminded me a lot of my mom. Now my step mother was my fathers partner in crime. She was a normal mother, but exactly the same as my father. Uncaring about me, and only really focused on my brother in college, and normal twin sisters. I pulled myself into this whole mess, when I looked through my mothers photo album when I got home. You wouldn't believe how many pictures of me there were! All when I was only- ================================================================================================= December 9th: Guess what time it is? It is 2, so why am I not at your office? From all this journal crap, I totally forgot about the soon coming holidays, and today it was snowing. A blizzard rolled through last night, and all the streets were covered with the plain white snow. I usually ignore it, but all the decorations around town were lit up too, and it is a lot like a winter wonderland. I never usually notice the sweet atmosphere in the air. I guess it is why they call it "The most wonderful time of year", it never had been a good time for me, all it brought was a ton more customers on the weekends where I shopped. I never had anyone to spend it with, I just have a glass of wine on Hearths Warming Eve, get a little tipsy, and sleep really late the next morning. Nobody was out anyway. So anyway, I decided I want to get more social on that night, instead of drunk. It will be a goal to actually have somewhere to go on Eve, or the actual day. I had to go in the snow. I am not always just a lazy grouch, I had to go and hop around in the snow. I didn't even change, I just threw on boots, and ran out there. That wasn't a good idea, a couple probably noticed what I was wearing, and that it it was used. Oh well, I guess I am so used to it. In my school days, I didn't even have a dress to cover up the thing, when I did actually have accidents. That was the most embarrassing thing ever, being that my dad bought the cheapest possible diapers. I swear he just bought them to keep stains off his floor, not to actually bring me comfort. I put my hoof marks in the first, new fallen snow of winter. The thing about this city though, that makes winter a little bit more "magical", some would say, is that the pegasi don't control the weather here. Can you believe that down south they do actually create it? I like how up here, everyday it is random. Down there, all the weather is scheduled. Sounds boring. I stayed out until I was I couldn't stand the cold anymore. I went back into my beaten apartment, changed out of my used undergarment, took a shower, and put a new one on, along with a stupid dress. They make me pretty! Yeah, right. I couldn't make it to your office, because all the sidewalks on the smaller streets weren't shoveled, and I thought I would give you a break today so you could spend it with your son. Go outside, I bet he can feel the same sensation, even though he isn't out here yet. Enjoy your real baby, not me. I wonder when you are going to have him anyway. I hope I can see the little guy when he is born, I always loved foals. Cute, cuddly, and loving. I always wanted my own little one... But no chance I am ever getting pregnant. Ha, I can't even imagine that. Think of the irony though. Meh. Not much to say today. If I can't make it to your office, I think it would be fair to say I can't make it to the diner either, since they are the same distance. You know what that means? I went out after playing in the snow, and cleaning up, and got some items at the nearby super market, to make some type of dinner for myself. Living alone has its benefits, like being able to cook whatever you want, as loud as you want, as dirty as you want, and best of all, singing as loud as you want. I will put on some Coldhay, because they are the best band ever, and I will sing my heart out while making- I think it will be soup, I am not exactly sure what it will be. I am sure it will be good, I don't think you can burn soup, right? ================================================================================================= Note: Annabelle... What happened to the rest of the journal entry on the 8th? You actually sounded happy, and excited, like you were going to tell me something that could have helped you. I had to some stuff to say about your previous entry, but I really want to see what you said on your mother. I never learned about how you thought of her. If she has a lot of pictures of you, then she must have loved you (You should bring in those pictures some time, by the way) You do notice that most of your life is shaped by your foalhood, right? From the day you are born, to when you turn about 5, your brain records everything it needs to know for a basic knowledge. Who do you learn everything from when you are little? Seeing that your older brother didn't care, and your sisters were born later on, it had to be from your parents. So everything you think about, and learned, is from the basic knowledge your parents taught you! Most of your personality comes from that, most ponies think it is genes, but it is actually that. If you tell me who your mother was, I can get to know you better. A mother to child relationship is a beautiful, beautiful thing, I want to hear about how your real mom treated you. It looks like you completely ripped that page out. ================================================================================================= December 10th: Why I ripped it out? I didn't want to talk about it! It brings back way too many memories of her, and makes me angry that she actually left me, alone with my dad who totally didn't care about how I lived as a child. How do you think it felt being alone every night, to now, not being able to talk to the only pony that actually understood me. Do you even understand me? Not really, seeing that you are asking me about something I did not want to really talk about from the start. I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote that all down, it was a touching moment and all, but I shouldn't have brought all those thoughts back. As soon as that scrap book opened, I slammed it shut, and ripped anything else I wrote, out. It was basically all jib-jab about how important a mother is to a young mare. Obviously she didn't give a flying feather, that her bucking diapered, disabled, filly, that loved her more then anything, wouldn't be with her anymore! She didn't understand the meaning of that relationship, she was just like everypony else! Not giving two craps about me. I am sick of it, I am not saying anything about my loyalmom. Sometimes I wonder why she didn't just get rid of me anyway. It probably would have made a lot of ponies lives a hell of a lot better. Excellent, in my written out rage, I wet myself. Perfect. Now my body can't even give me a chance to go a hour of my life without running into problems. No wonder I am always alone doc, because I like being alone. Everypony has their own plans, and they all want to paint this picture of themselves while they step on others to do it. My dad wanted to look like a great father, making his oldest son go to college, and become a big business man. To do it, he ignored his daughter that still soiled herself. I guess if nopony can see that I am actually a pony, with feelings, and my own wishes for myself, there is no point in trying to interact with them all. I am going to take a shower, and drink some coffee. I don't know if I am coming back to this journal or not, maybe I will change my mind. I think it will be pointless if I am staying in here all the time. ================================================================================================= Note: First, I would like you to know that I am very sorry about your situation. Sorry that I mentioned anything at all about you continuing. I should have asked you in the office, gotten the answer, and ended it there. You just can't do this to yourself Annabelle. I honestly don't understand you, we only have known each other for a short time, but I am trying to understand you. You're extremely unique, and intelligent, I just want you to get out there, so you can feel love, and find friendship. I didn't expect you to blow up, and get angry like that. Lets just take this step by step... I am obviously pregnant, I think we have gotten that point across. Your mother has held you in her stomach for 9 months. She fed you when you couldn't feed yourself, she took lots of pictures, and I am sure she thought you were the most beautiful little filly in Equestria at one point. She taught you to walk, she taught you to talk, she cradled you when you cried, she burped you when you needed to be burped, and she even changed you when you needed to be changed. It is motherly love, and I already feel it myself, and I got a couple weeks ago... It is a burning passion, that is extremely hard to ignore. All mothers feel it, it is in their nature. So do you think after all that love she had given you, she would have left just to hurt you? Annabelle, you told me yourself that when you were a foal, that you were well taken care of. It was not until you were 4 that your sisters were born. You can't give up on yourself. You said early on, that good things happen to good ponies. That is true, and it is all part of Celestia's plan. The whole karma thing is true, and you have never caused anypony, any problems, and good is sure to come your way. But it won't happen if you quit. If you quit this, I have no other ideas to help you. Keep moving forward Annabelle. December 11th She was a pegasus. We were both pegasi, and the only ones in the family. The rest of our family were earth ponies. Her mane was a brighter gold, and her coat was much more shiny. I would look up to her, and I always thought she was beautiful. I look a lot like her, and have a lot of her personality, like my father said after she left. Interdependent, clever, curious, and she was a pony who knew how to get through things. The only problem, was that she sometimes was arrogant, at times stubborn, and could get a attitude. I was born at Manehattan Memorial Hospital, on a cold, cloudy day, on January 8th. My grandmother, who I never saw much, and I also never saw anymore after the divorce, said my mother had a look in her eyes the day I was born. It was love, the purest love, as she held little me in her arms, but it was also fear. I told you that I had heart problems when I was a newborn. My mom asked non-stop how I was doing when I wasn't in the room, and even my good ol' dad was worried. Could you believe that he actually loved me at some point? I understand what you said about the whole motherly love thing. Well grandma said that dad didn't really take care of me, and my mother did most of the work. All my stupid dad had to do, was have the pleasure of creating me, then sit back. That day, he left the hospital to go and see my brothers hoofball game, while my mom refused to leave. I sit here now, and I look through some pictures she had of me. She took the time to make this scrapbook, and it is filled with all sorts of adorable, but of coarse, embarrassing, pictures of me when I was little. When I say little, I sure was little. There are plenty pictures, and every one I had a smile on my face. We both loved each other, and I totally forgot about how much I missed mom. When my diaper problem came around, she was always busy working, and didn't have a say on it. My dad took over, and she felt like she did something wrong. That is all I have to say about that. She loved me... and had a lot of pictures of me when I was little. I miss her, and it makes me really depressed when I think about it. I don't think it helped, only brought back memories, and that is why I got angry, instead of telling you about her. I don't know where she is, but I want to continue writing in this journal. So I can get a social life, get a job, and find love, so that I can be the little filly she wanted me to be. ================================================================================================= Note: Good. I am glad you continued. Now that this is out of the way, I hope we can continue on normal business. The entry on the 8th was cut off, the 9th was not very detailed, the 10th was when you got mad, and the 11th is when you told me about your mom. We will talk all about this in my office. D.L.
Journal Entries: December 4th, December 6th, and December 7thNote: Better... You still need more detail. You are a writer! I don't mind you telling me about your "accidents", they let me have a better idea about what you are going through. If I know what is happening, I can help you. Talk about what you hear on the news, how you felt that morning, or maybe any problems you encountered. It will get you to talk more. I have to say that I would like to hear more about your friends. Did you ever think that the stallion in the corner is writing about you? Or have you thought about giving the older mare company? I like that you compare yourself to the diner and it's people. Also, thank you for concern about me. We are doing just fine, the baby is totally healthy, and happy. He may be born around the holidays. I have got that covered, I am staying at my sisters for the time being. I am not enjoying it there, I am very uncomfortable sleeping on the couch. Lets just get you in order first, though. I do enjoy being your doctor, and trust me, I am much more then just your doctor. I can be your friend, and I can see you more often then just in the office. Keep writing... and enjoy the rest of your weekend. Signed: Doctor Lee December 4th: More detail? Really? Honestly doc, just because I am a writer, doesn't mean I am good at this. We all have our pros and cons, and detail may not be my strong side. This is a 1 bit composition book, that only you are seeing, I really am not putting my all in it. I guess I am releasing emotion, but that is the point of this whole project isn't it? I don't understand why you want more detail on that stuff anyway. What does my breakfast and the news have to do with anything, other then put on more words! What is the point of the word limit anyway? Now I can understand if you need more detail on my friends, but my accidents are another story. With that? Uh, no, it is bad enough as it is. I will tell you that when it is essential, I honestly thought what I was putting in was already disgusting you. I would like to thank you for the friendship offer. I know I'm different, and I know my issue is weird. You are the only one that understands, and you should because you are a doctor. See what I mean? You get paid to see what the crazy, diapered mares problem is. You went to college to fix these things. It is entirely different when a everyday pony, that you meet understands, not someone you hire. Now, don't get me wrong, I will be your friend, but that is why I felt that way. About you not really liking me. You are nice Doctor, Lee, and I do have to thank you for helping me. I trust you, but it just doesn't feel right, you know? So my day started this morning, and I did nothing very interesting. You want more detail, so here you go. I woke up on my disheveled bed, exhausted as usual. I felt that horrible, cold, and wet sensation of a accident from the night before. So I got up, made my red, queen sized bed real quick, and went into the master bedrooms bathroom. Now, I change myself (duh) so I untapped my undergarment, and threw it in the trash. Afterwards, I screamed and yelled as I tried to get a new diaper on with my hooves. When this chaos was over, I brushed my teeth, and while I looked in the mirror, there was always this one grudge. This one grudge that always stared back at me while I cleaned my teeth, that I was too lazy to ever clean. I got annoyed by that stupid smudge, like every single day (All of this happens everyday), I finally slipped on one of my dresses, my least favorite color, and headed downstairs. Detail! Sweet, pointless, detail, folks! When that's over, I head into the kitchen. Remember I said I have to regulate what I eat, so when I had the choice between 3 mouth watering pancakes, or toast, I had to pick the one that wasn't going to give me problems later in the day. So toast it was, with a hot cappuccino. Today on the news, they had a talk show like every Sunday morning. The topic was "Most Embarrassing Moments", and I listened closely, as I heard ponies say theirs. I just laughed as one stallion said he had a accident in the first grade, try doing that everyday bud. I drank my coffee slower then usual today, and I couldn't finish my toast. It made me wonder if I was coming down with something, and while I sit here tonight, I think I have a fever. I look through a couple of magazines, and read some of a book I am reading. It is called "Winter's Gift", and it is something about how winter was created by the princess. I honestly think that it is just another thing to show off about how glorious Celestia is. That was most of my morning. Before I went to see you, accident wise, if you really want to know, I went #2. I really hope that you knowing that, helps you give me therapy! You definitely need to know my digestive track to help me! *Sarcasm* As you told me yesterday, you wanted me to meet me today, although it was a Sunday. Another thing I have to thank you for, being that you guys are usually closed on Sunday's. On the walk there, honestly it was all normal. Do you want me to describe what kind of glares people gave me? It was the streets of Manehattan, you know what they are like. It was a long walk, but I made it, and you know what we did in your office. When I left, I just headed home, because I honestly didn't feel good. I skipped the diner today, and I took a nap. I woke up around 10 to read a little, changed myself, and had some type of dinner. Now it is 12 and I am writing to you, sick. I just finished taking my temperature, and I am looking down at a 101.2. Guess who isn't coming in tomorrow? Me! Really though, I think I'm taking the day off. But doc, I just want you to know that I feel uncomfortable talking about my condition. I know you know all about it, but it is honestly gross, and in the future I don't want to get into detail on it, unless I have to. Yes, it does cause a large amount of my social problems, but not all of them. The condition isn't the only reason I see you. You shouldn't need information on that. I guess I will continue to do what you want, but I just want you to know I don't like that. ================================================================================================= Note: It seems you did decide to skip. It is alright, because you came in today, you did seem groggy. Regarding Sunday, that was not exactly what I mean't on detail, but I see your point. I just want you to add detail, because even the simplest things can mean something. I want you to do more then release emotion, this project could potentially help you a lot with your problems. Now a example of this, was the grudge on your mirror. That means something, and I can analyze it as a professional, and see something in it. Same thing with the news, and your breakfast. It gets you talking more too. I would also agree on the friendship thing. I understand where you are coming from there, I am paid to be your friend. But, understand that I mean't outside too, not just in the office. Anyway, you probably want to make your own friends now, and that is fine. Last... The accidents. I really didn't clarify that. You are right, you can describe it when necessary, but at the time I found it to be another good way to talk. That is your private business, and that is okay. But, where you are wrong, is that your condition is mostly what is bringing you down. Did you ever think that maybe, your family life would be a lot better if you didn't have your condition? Or, did you ever think that your condition is what slowing you down socially? You know that is what is holding you back! Those diapers stopped you from making friends in school because ponies thought you were weird, ending up with you being anti-social when you were a adult. Since you were bullied when you were a kid, you didn't develop right, and that is why your parents didn't respect you as much as your siblings. Our goal is to make you have a normal life, even though you are disabled. That is how it works with every one of my patients. So describe when you need to, but don't try to avoid talking about those problems, or I won't be able to help you. Signed: Doc. Lee December 6th: I guess you are right about my condition. It is just all emotional, and sometimes I don't like talking about it, due to the fact that it actually has been a huge problem in my life. But hey, good things happen to good ponies right? I am sure there are friends out there waiting for me, and someday even a stallion. It is all part of a grand plan. I pray, I am friendly, and I try to be a good pony, so karma should catch up to me soon. About what you said with the accidents, not going into detail on them, unless I have to, sounds good. I will also make sure I include detail, and do whatever you need without question. I don't even want to ask how in the world the grudge on my mirror plays into anything. Well, I guess it could if I think about it. Symbolizes something, I guess. I did skip yesterday, and I am sorry. I was sick with a fever, and boy, was I feeling horrible. It stinks not having anyone around, I was hot, and miserable. I guess I got used to it, being that my mom didn't really care when I was sick, and told to toughen up. The only times I ever got out of school, was if I puked. Still, my mom would hold a grudge when I got home. I would have written, but I just couldn't get up off the couch. I still felt pretty bad today, although the fever broke last night. Well, let me tell you, you didn't miss anything. When I was not sleeping, I was moaning and restless. I didn't have many thoughts, due to a huge headache, and everything else. So, I took off, and it seems like you understood when I came into the office. Today, I was okay. As I said, I was sick in the beginning of the day. I skipped the diner, my friends must definitely miss me. The actual news was on today, and I listened to that after getting out of bed, exhausted. I drank a coffee, hoping that it would keep me awake, and I sat a a stool in my kitchen, as the news blabbered on. I wasn't really paying attention, it was political drama that I didn't quite understand. After I went and saw you, I went shopping since I was running low on food, and you-know-whats. Nothing noticeable really. I am heading out to the diner tomorrow, right after I talk to you. I want to actually get to know the ponies there. I know I say they are my friends, but did you notice I had trouble actually calling them friends in the beginning? Well, that stallion in the back, I do have short talk with him, and we do interact, but I don't even know his name. You asked me if he writes about people in the restaurant? I have no idea, because we both are kinda awkward, and he stops typing when I come over. It is mostly that kind of "Nice weather we are having" conversation. That stallion is actually very built, and he always wears this black coat over his grey coat. Very mysterious he is, and when we do interact, I swear it is me who always ends it. I have to just go up, and say that we haven't even introduced ourselves. We make eye contact when we are both there. He is the only stallion, other then Twister. We all know his name. Twister is related to the family that owns the restaurant, and he acts as a guard, or bouncer. Although it is a Italian restaurant, it was also a bar. He was huge though! The thing was he was really quiet, probably because he never had work. Another mysterious character in this restaurant. I think Twister is the owners brother. Now the owner is a different story. I swear he is part of the mafia, his name is Marks, and he is very, very Italian. Short, with a beard, and mean. But to the common customers, Marks was actually extremely nice. How couldn't he be? We were most of his business. So just for you doc, I'm going to confront that stallion. We probably are the most observant there, and we can share information, talk, maybe get to know each other, and then the awkwardness in that place would finally shift. I am done for tonight, as I said, not much to report. I will tell you what goes on tomorrow. ================================================================================================= Note: Okay, sounds good Annabelle. Good-luck. I don't have much to say either. Signed: Lee December 7th: That was quick today, not much to say doc? Usually you are quite the chatter box. Anyway, as promised, I said I would be going to the restaurant. For the record, it is called Olive's, named after the owners deceased wife. I don't think you would appreciate the place, but I still went today after your appointment, and some interesting stuff happened. But before that, our daily report, which is also a little different today. It was actually a good day. I woke up early today, and I decided to clean. I was well rested, refreshed, and surprisingly not wet (Probably because I'm dehydrated). My apartment is actually kind of large, because my brother bought it, and paid it off for me as a gift. I think of it more like a sorry for always being a douche. So when you walk into the front door, it's a long hallway. There is a spot for rain boots, beside a coat hanger. There are two doors on the right, and to doors on the left of the hallway. On the right is the master bedroom, and the bathroom. They both connect, while on the other side, it is a extra room I use for storage, and a large closet my washer and drier are set up in. In the back to the left is the living area, and a couple of windows with a nice view, and to the right is the kitchen. So it is a "T" shape. I focused on cleaning up the bathroom (At least I got to skip the toilet), and dusting everything. I got dressed, and wore my favorite colored dress to cover my problem, and to make me look a little nicer for the event. You saw me, I did look nice right? Well I hope I did. Anyway, after I got done cleaning, I made sure I was already to go. Surprisingly I didn't pee yet that day, which fired back on me later. I brushed my mane for once, and put on some perfume so that baby smell ponies say I have wasn't noticeable. I headed out the door, talked to you, and afterwards I was on the way to the restaurant. So I told you about a couple of ponies there. The older mares name was Electron, and she had a lightning bolt cutie mark. There was Marks, who was the old, Italian owner, and Twister, who was the big "Security" stallion. Last but not least, was the writer stallion in the back, who I actually confronted today. I arrived, and Spark was there, and he is probably the weirdest of the group. Spark was a retired military pony, and had a parrot. I think that he must have hit his head to hard during the war. Anyway, it was around 5, after I went home because I forgot my saddle bag. Spark, was at the bar along with Electron, Marks was serving drinks, and Twister was up against the bathroom door. The stallion I wanted to talk to was in the back, typing away. Our eyes met. Both almost the same shade. Spark looked over at me, and chuckled. The lights were dim, it was another cold winter day, and I was ready to actually try and make a friend. I find it funny that this was so hard for me, but I still did it. I walked in, and put my bag down on one of the front, wood, booths. I straightened my dress, and let out a deep breath, as Marks looked along with Spark, who was smiling as his parrot squawked. I walked briskly over to the stallion on his typewriter, sitting beside him. Immediately he took it off the table, staring at me. It was very rare that we even said a couple words to each other, let alone sit next to each other and talk. "I believe we never met before..." I said after a minute of sitting down. The stallion smiled, and gave a normal response. "Oh, we have... We just never really talked" He said with a grin. "Well, I see you almost everyday, and I kinda wanted to introduce myself. I'm Annabelle." I looked around, and noticed that everyone glanced every few seconds. "I mean, we have short talked a couple of times" "Oh, we know who you are. You are one of the commoners here, you have been around for awhile now. Spark likes to call you DM. You can call me Roger, or Roger Lucy, but everyone here calls me Scribble" I thought it was a weird nickname, but what I also noticed is that they talked about me. They had a nickname for me too? I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be offended or not. To have Spark talking behind my back. "Y-you do? What does DM mean? I didn't know you guys talked about me" "We talk about each other all the time. You always leave before the good stuff happens, but this has been our groups hang out for years. Or at least, Spark, Twister, and I's. DM stands for Diaper Mare." The stallion smiled as my mouth gaped open, and at the moment I blushed. "Diaper mare?!" I replied a little angry, he quieted me down. "Yep. I am Scribble because I am always back here scribbling, and Twister is Twisted Twister, because he is not very sharp, and last but not least is Spark" "How did you even know about that?" I looked at him, as he seemed a lot more comfortable. I was totally ignoring the nicknames he was telling me. I was just angry that this stranger called me Diaper Mare. "You don't do a very good job hiding it. We all understand though, we are all the same here sister. We all have our problems. We call Spark, Captain Pinhead" Roger said as he looked over at him. "You are definitely not the weirdest of the ponies that come here" I was kind of scared about the whole thing, so I picked myself up, and with it came a squish. I noticed throughout the conversation that I somehow wet myself, a lot. "Well... I'm just going to get dinner. We can talk tomorrow" "Oh, did I come out to quick? You don't understand... we-" The stallion sighed, as I was already back at my table. So that was what happened. I ate quickly and went home. It was awkward. Ponies were talking behind my back about me? We were almost tightly knitted, even though we didn't even know eachother. The way we had always been together at this boring restaurant. Apparently I left before the good stuff happened? It all sounded like bad news, and the whole time the two stallions were looking at me. After thinking about it, I am not sure what to think about it. I think it was just the stallion saying things wrong. They were all nice ponies, I could tell. So for now doc, I am going to give it a rest before I show up again. I went home and changed myself, and here I am now. I can't believe my body betrayed me, and I had a accident. It sucks being this way, but at least they already knew about it. It sounded like Roger was making fun of himself when he called himself scribble. Anyway, I guess this is good-night. See you tomorrow. ================================================================================================= Note: I honestly don't know what to say about that. The group there sounds like they are comfortable with their problems, maybe he was trying to introduce you to that, but he did it wrong. I think he shouldn't have told you at all. Good thing you are a mare that would come back. It is your call if you want to get to know Roger, I haven't been at the restaurant, so I can't tell. It is good you are getting somewhere socially though. We will talk in my office tomorrow. Signed: Doc. Lee
Journal: Dec. 12th and Dec. 14thDecember 12th: I like how the first thing you tell me after all that, is that my entries for the past few day haven't been good. I tell you all about something I didn't want to tell you about, and that is what you tell me? I know that sometimes I say your whole doctor attitude can get annoying, but I would rather you do that then just be straight rude. Honestly, after I said all that, I was expecting the whole doctor thing to cheer me up. Instead, I was told that what I was doing isn't good enough. It should be good enough that I'm doing this at all. I haven't really followed your rules at all anyway. I didn't want to talk about my mom because she is just another thing I lost that I loved. My life could have been a lot better, and every time I think about her, it makes me angry. Normal little fillies and colts, they dream. They dream big, and they want to accomplish big, and believe they are special. My mom tried to make me want to accomplish, and wanted me to think I was special. But I don't understand how she could make me think like I am worth it, and feel like I am worth it... But in the end, she left me in the dirt. I was left behind, standing in my brothers shadow, and stuck behind how great my twin sisters were too. I grew up know I would be a buck up. A diapered idiot, that nobody actually sees for who she is. Just a pony that still soils herself. How I would wish that I had someone that understood me. Oh wait! I do! Wait a second, I did. The only mare on the planet that understands you, from the day you are born, is your mother. I couldn't have that either. I could go on and on, see how talking about it already got me down on myself? That is why I didn't want to talk about it in the first place. Well, I guess I will get back into the journal routine, and express my feelings instead of complaining. I suppose some things went better today, after that awkward silence in your office. I actually want to talk to you about the journal in your office tomorrow. So we can discuss how many journal entries I make. You really think that one a day is a good idea? Why not 3 a week, or something. Then I will make a abridged, but detailed entry on the past couple of days. It must be boring reading about the crap I do everyday. I really am boring aren't I? We will talk about that tomorrow, but I should just stick with today. Right now it is around 11, and I was feeling pretty depressed this morning. After I came home from being out all day yesterday, I looked at all those pictures really late. They were what encouraged me to write to you. I was thinking about raging again, but then I noticed that I was having mare complications if you know what I mean. So if I was being a bitch, I am sorry. I don't know what got into me, but I think you could have understood. Was it even that bad? Back to where I was. I was pretty depressed this morning, because the shenanigans yesterday made me pull out all my old stuff. It was scattered around my room, so I woke up and wanted to be like; "Yay, new day, now I can forget all that junk from last night" but no, I don't clean up, ever, so it was more like; "Yay, a new day- Oh, there is that picture, that reminds me of that really depressing moment...". I went pretty bad last night, I had to change the sheets on my bed because I leaked. Maybe it was because I was drinking a lot of wine, or whatever alcoholic beverages I could find around my apartment. Don't worry, I'm not a drunk. Every once in awhile I drink, most of the time when I have unknown emotions. When I do, at least this stupid diaper does me something, by punishing me for it. I already have trouble getting up in the morning, so that is also a reason why alcohol doesn't work for me most of the time. I went to you, then I just enjoyed walking down the streets. It snowed again last night, so it was nice to enjoy the winter weather again. Things went my way this time. It started to rain! Most ponies get depressed from the cold, icy, and the sad atmosphere it creates, but I enjoy it. For one reason or another, it wasn't cold enough for snow again. I went shopping, since everypony was inside, stepping around in the cold slush. I got pretty wet, and the dress was pointless because you could see right through it. As I said, nopony was out, so it worked. When I got home, I saw that stuff again. Why I didn't put it away? I don't know, it was probably because I was hungover. It brought back some memories, and I couldn't help but to look through some old things after I changed out of my soaked dress, and got on a fresh undergarment. A lot of it was photos, scrapbooks, and some paperwork. They were stored in boxes that my dad forced me to take when I moved out. There was another box in my closet, that had to be pulled out eventually, but not today. Maybe I will look at it tomorrow and write about it for you. I have no idea what it is in there. I skipped the diner again, I usually don't go everyday anyway, they won't notice. I hope you take up the a journal every few days, and having all the detail of them in one entry. Note: Remember the whole talk on detail? If it is fresh in your mind every night, it will be easier to see what you are seeing. When we started, this was supposed to get a idea of your everyday life, not your life weekly. I guess you have a point though. You don't have too much to say. As long as you include what happened the previous day, we can set up a method where you come here, and write every other day. Anyway, everything sounded good, I would like to see whats in that other box though. Again, don't be afraid to bring things in. I'm still waiting on those foal pictures. I apologize for my last note. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I was kind of annoyed, I have been angry because of what I have been going through lately. There may be a problem when the baby is born. I guess I will take a week off, and you can continue to write. Then you can come meet him, and I we will continue our sessions at my apartment. You can even see him in the hospital if you like. December 14th: Holy bucking Celestia! I got the doc to agree on something, well hot damn. I think I am starting to get somewhere now he he he. I'm kidding, I won't be making anymore changes since you made my wish come true. I am worried about what you said about your son though. Will you really be gone for a week doc? What about the project? I'm not sure if I will write, if you are not reading. Hopefully I have different feelings when the time come. Good luck with the kid, it must stink being a single mother. I am still sure you will love him, and he will love you too. I am not very excited about meeting him though. Would it be awkward? I am your patient, I am sure you don't actually want me there, you are just being that way to be kind. Don't deny it either. I should move on. As promised, my reports will stay detailed, and speak of the the day we miss. Yesterday, I took the opportunity to clean up. It was getting dirty, and it just gets to the point where it is unbearable. I clean the kitchen, hallway, my bedroom, and my bathroom. The kitchen usually has smudges on my appliances, little stains from my coffee mug on the table, and other little dirty things that a sponge has no problem cleaning. The hallway needed to be vacuumed, and I had to get all those old pictures, scrapbooks, and other junk, out of my bedroom. Last, but not least, was the bathroom. It is the cleanest room in the house, and I think you should know why. I only go in there to brush my teeth, brush my coat, and look at myself in the mirror. I actually do most of my changing in my bedroom. Something always comes around to me when I come to this bathroom, it's this smudge. I have no idea where it came from, or why it is there, but whenever I go to clean it, I can't. I ignore it, and don't clean the mirror at all. When I stare into the mirror, I see myself. Ugly, little me, in my cute dress (more like really ugly dress). I stop myself from staring into my own eyes, and thinking about things that put me down, by looking at that smudge. Is it toothpaste?! Is it a hoofmark?! I have no idea what it bucking is! It is about the size of a hoof, maybe a little smaller. I should know who made it, since I never have any visitors. So when I looked at that smudge today, I didn't clean it again. Sad that I actually think about these simple little things. Most ponies don't stop and think about those very simple details that you don't notice in your everyday life. Yesterday... I had a stomach ache. Maybe it was something I ate, but I don't really want to go into detail on that. The last thing I was thinking about doing after that was going to the diner. You think wetting yourself in public is bad? Think about how it is with the other way around. For all that is holy, I don't think you want, or need detail on that. I am just going to say I napped all day, and went to bed early after a long day, it beginning at noon. So... boring. Today however, was a little more interesting. As promised, which I totally forgot about, I said I would open up the second box in my closet. Since the first box probably had just about everything depressing in it, I am really wondering what is in this second one. I bet it is just a bunch of belongings that my dad stuffed in there when I left. I need to tell you about that moment one day. You should have seen the- Not tears, not frown, and not normal old face, but actually the big, old, smile he had spread across his face the day I left. Now that folks, is what I call a loving father. Alright, so I took a shower a hour ago, and am dry for now. I opened up the box, and it was nothing too exciting. It was pretty heavy, and I almost broke my leg trying to open it. It had some weird items in it, and the box was actually kind of old. The first item was a helmet. Now this was not any helmet, it was the one that my mom got me. Now, I learned how the fly on my own through trial and error (More likes bumps, and more bruises), and since my mom was so busy working since dad was a lazy jerk, she bought me a helmet so I wouldn't crack my skull open. How generous of her. The next thing that laid in the box, was a plastic container full of dolls. Again, there weren't just any dolls, they were dolls that I loved. Why I loved them? My parents didn't get them for me. I got those dolls from finding them, or taking money out of my fathers wallet, the result was them being beaten. To this day, I have never felt bad for stealing money from him. Sometimes my brother got blamed for it, and I laughed my flank off when it wasn't me getting in trouble for once. There were a few other random items that didn't belong in there. Like a plate from a China set, and a silverware set, wherever those came from. I found my moms old high school yearbook, but I forgot her maiden name, and couldn't find her. Last but not least, was another scrapbook. This one was special, because it had a lot of pictures when I was really young. I looked through, and found one of me in the nursery when I was born. Taken by my dad, and guess what, it was horrible quality. Sometimes I don't understand why ponies don't love their offspring, he couldn't even take a good picture! I am his daughter, do you have any idea doc? That's it. I'm freezing, and getting sick of this holiday music on the radio. I am going to take some medicine so that I don't have any "pleasant surprises" from that stomach ache during the night. I guess this is goodnight doc, I won't see you in the morning. Even though I got off writing yesterday, I didn't get off from seeing you. Are you going to miss me? Probably not. Just don't have that baby on a day I'm not there, I want to see him. Note: That was okay. This method will work out, but you should really start going back to that diner. It seems like you have friends there, I would rather you go be social, then being home and drinking. Even though you said there is ways your body stops you from doing it, I don't want you drinking. It is a very bad idea. I would love for you to see him. Why would you think I wouldn't want to see you Annabelle? You really have no idea that we are very much the same. I am just as alone as you are! I'm 9 months pregnant, and single. I see a few doctors, and that is it! You are special, and unique, with a good story. I like talking to you, and reading your writing as well. You put in emotion, and that is why this project doesn't work for most. Everypony else just writes down boring things they think I want to hear. You put in your heart, and I like that. Author's Note Boring lately? I notice. I am working to some very close big plot points Still... Thank all of you for the support.
Journal: 16thAlright... One problem doc. I am glad I'm entertaining you, but I don't care how nice my story is. The problem is that I am lonely, depressed, and poor. As sweet as my story may be, along with how much feeling I put into doesn't matter. What matters is that I am improving, and I honestly am not. Where was it thought that me, a fully grown mare now, would improve by writing in a journal. It sounds like a school house punishment. I am just seeing how big of a buck up I really am with this. That is why I drink. It isn't hurting me or anything, I've drank since I was a teen, it helps me more then anything. Makes me forget how messed up things really are right now. Is that the wrong way of thinking? Yes it is. Then why am I killing my liver, and just making myself more sad then I already am? I figured it out today, all of it. It is pretty simple really, and I have been angry all day because of it. Okay so first, yesterday. How usual, I didn't do much. I restocked my supply of undergarments, food, and other things. I decided to buy another dress too, that isn't so plain. It is kinda frilly, so it isn't so tight against my flank. I walked around the city, and bought lunch on the street. The diner was closed oddly, so I just went home and ate a tub of Ice Cream, while listening to this special on the radio. It is when all these ponies call in and talk about their problems. I think I have talked about it before, but it is just a bunch of whiners. Hey, let's be honest. I whine, a lot... but I do it in here. It is what I was blessed with, not much I can do to change it. I embrace it. Anyway, a bunch of ponies call in and whine about their special someponies... Ha! At least you have one! Talking about how they 'Cheat'. Really?! You are telling me that some stallions and mares are so lucky to have two ponies that love them? Some of us need to get our facts straight. Like you. Yeah, you doc. You aren't nearly the same as me. You have a baby... I have nothing.... Alright, so you ready for this? Today I really had good luck. I probably stepped on too many cracks, walked under too many ladders or saw a black cat. But Miss Annabelle, I thought those things were supposed to cause bad luck? Oh really? I mean't bad luck. I always have bad luck, when don't I? I had the bad luck to be stuck in a diaper, like some type of oversized baby, who can't control her bodily functions. Too the point where you are made fun of by the ones who are supposed to be wearing them. I am just so... Off, today. I am really mad about this. I was walking down the street today. It was a normal morning, and the streets were clear. It was that really cold overcast kinda weather, typical for this time of year. Along with this time of year comes the smells of the season too. That smell of pumpkin pie, with other dinner items eaten on the holidays. I always liked this time of year when I was a filly, everything was so festive. I heard the ringing of the bells too, along with choirs. This part of the year is honestly magical... For most of us. So it was beautiful! I wanted to get into the spirit, so I decided to walk into Neighcy's super store. Why not right? Get to see all the cute toys, maybe a couple of excited kids waiting to see Santa. It was the most festive place to be. I saw this really cute toy. It was a jack-in-the-box, that was old fashioned. It played a cute little melody when you played it, then it popped. I really liked it, and thought about buying it. As I continued to fiddle with it, a little filly walked up. "Excuse me miss" The little filly chirped as I looked down. "Oh..." I hesitated "Hello sweetheart... What is it?" "Can I have one of those?" The pink filly replied, reaching up at the table. I had other concerns, while I grabbed one for the little thing. "I will... But, where are your parents?" "My mommy? She's shopping!" The filly waited patiently as I handed her a box. "Don't you think you should be with your mommy? I am sure she is wondering where you are. She probably would be really upset if she lost you" The filly shook her head at my response. "Nuh-uh!" "Hmm... Well, does she know where you are?" I said getting on eye level with her. She was indeed little, probably only three. I have to admit Lee, she was fricken adorable. She had the smoothest pink coat I have seen on a girl her age, with a curly, but long blonde mane. Her neck had a scarf around it. "-No...." She shook her head with the response. The melody played as she winded it up with her hoof nervously. "Little filly... I think you should go back to your mommy" I offered her a hoof. But she pulled away "Please... I don't want you to get in trouble sweet-" *POP!* And like that, we both jumped. I chuckled a little, it really got me. But... I look down, and there that cute little face is, tearing up. Seconds later she started bawling her eyes out, and I had no idea what to do. All the parents nearby started staring at me. All I could do is stand there, hoping the mom would show up or something while I looked back and fourth frantically. At the same time, that audible hiss was heard. I closed my eyes, rubbing my head as I wet myself. Typical. My dress didn't really hide it either. I cursed Celestia. "Please... Little filly... It was just a toy, it is okay" I said as I put the box back. The three year old finally calmed down, her sobbing turning into whimper as I rubbed her head. Boy, was she cute... But... then it got even worse. "S-scary..." The little filly sniffled. I helped her up. "I know... Let's go-" I said as i picked her up, but then I turned around and bumped into a mare. A older mare, probably in her 40's. "What in the hell do you think you are doing with my child?" "Uhh" I hesitated which was stupid "I-I- I was just going to return her to you" I smirked awkwardly. I wasn't lying, but it probably looked like I was. The mare snatched her child back. "Sweetheart... Did this mare hurt you?" The mother asked as she cradled the little pegasus. She nodded. What a traitor! I didn't lay a hoof on her! "We need to call security!" "Ma'am, I swear I didn't lay a hoof on her. She was startled by the Jack-in-the-box, I s-swear!" I said, shaking my head. "You freak! Don't ever lay a hoof on my daughter again!" The mare looked at my back side... What do you think she noticed? My diaper. Of course. With my luck, she didn't have sympathy, she didn't even notice it was incontinence. Instead, she chuckled "Pedophile" The mare said, walking away. That moment, my heart sank deeper into me. The words stuck. For having a disorder, I was called a pedo. "Is that mare wearing a diaper?" "Eww... What in the world is that girl wearing?" "Wow... What a freak" "Mommy! Mommy! Why is that mare wearing a diape? Isn't she a big girl?" All the voices came from the crowd gathering around me. Stupid city ponies, they all laughed, giggled, made comments. I teared up, like the foal I was. Emotions bottled up, and all I could do is scream at the top of my lungs. You would think they would get it, but after a silence, they just cracked up. I ran out crying. I'm done writing. I don't have anything to say. I just want to see how you fix this ================================================================================================= Author's Note Just a chapter I'm posting to show I still exist
Journal: 18th (The Christmas Dance)To Miss Annabelle: We're sorry to inform you, but Doctor Lee is not in the office today! Yesterday she went into labor and gave birth to her healthy little colt early in the morning. She won't be having any visits for 2 weeks, so please continue any activities she assigned for you to do. We're sorry here at PLR Offices. Please have a happy and safe holidays. Thank You, P.L.R. Psychiatrist Offices ==============================================================================================. So, I have to admit that I haven't been staying on my journal for a couple of days now. Well, only one, but the reason why is because I didn't have to. I have to admit that because of what happened with you, that I didn't continue and had no plans of continuing. I could continue to write everyday while I give you the little things like the incident on the 16th. Days where my bodily functions betray me and public, but isn't that all just the same manure? Let's face it doc, you know. You know it all, because you went to some big school in where-ever. You know my life sucks, and that's why you are 'helping' me. Well, I stopped, because you weren't there. So what brought me back? Hope. Hope that writing will some how still straighten things out before the holidays. It's damn near impossible, that's for sure, but it is definitely worth a try. The mare at your desk said she had no idea when you are going to come back, although that letter said two weeks. I heard it takes some time to recover from having a foal. You officially have two now doc, congrats. I understand that you will take a lot of time to recover right? A week? No, you lied to me. Now it's going to be 2 weeks, still not that, it's actually going to be who-the-hell knows how long. It's okay though right? I get to meet the baby! A little young one, a fellow diapered companion, who will actually not judge me because of my disability. Even better, in the hospital when he is all swaddled and tiny in the nursery. You didn't give me that either. I was totally right, you're only a doctor to me, and not anywhere close to a friend. I don't know the story behind why, but that really hurts that you forgot about me. So, I might as well just get to it. My daily life. The life of Annabelle, which is somewhat so interesting to go into this book. Maybe it will be published and loved by many, but no. Nopony cares about the incontinent mare. But with what happened yesterday, I can't be so negative, because I did find the one pony who cared. It's actually a interesting story, what happened yesterday. But, I have to get through all the boring details first, and it all started with a groggy morning, the mirror with it's horrible stain, brushing my teeth and getting that taste in my mouth that I could taste in my breakfast, then finally coming all the way to your office in a used diaper, just to figure out you actually weren't there. I was given some stupid note, then told that the note was actually wrong, and who knows how long you will be. Fine, I don't need you anyway. Just this stupid marble notebook. I ate breakfast, listened to DJ- PD in the morning, and felt pretty depressed as I watched ponies on the street scatter around with last minute shopping for the big holiday coming up. Only if I could be a part of it, but hey, as I said nopony. That includes family, friends, and yes... Even you Doc. I don't really even want to talk about my day. I didn't do anything in the afternoon, other then sleep and mope. The fun begins later on, when I decided to return to the restaurant where I was oh so missed. I did something different this time, and that was, I wore a coat. A coat didn't cover my flank, so everypony knew what I was wearing as a I trotted down the street. I felt like everypony was staring at me, every single one, but I decided to do it to not prove a point to them, but to Scribble at the bar. I froze all the way there, my face was as red as a tomato when everypony looked at me, but I was glad to have had such a ego boost when I arrived home in the morning today. Yes, I am writing this in the morning for once, better yet, at almost 8 in the morning. That's a new record for earliest for a pony to ever wake up. When I arrived, I threw the squeaky old door open and made my appearance noticeable. I threw my coat on the coat rack, and oh my Celestia, I was in nothing but a diaper. A rather absorbent one, which was that way because of it's decent size. Not bigger than usual, but I couldn't go light in case of a leak. I understand I wanted to be tough and all, and ditch the dress, but even I wouldn't be able to take the pure embarrassment of leaking somehow. My body can be unpredictable in that way. Anyway, instead of sitting at a booth, I sat at the bar. I ordered some whiskey, and drank with almost a sass in my attitude. I was one seat away from the mysterious lonely mare, the one that waited in her finest of clothes each night for Celestia-knows-who, and of course Spark, the retired crazy old captain who called me Diaper Mare. For some reason, the way I was acting now, I felt like I was sitting around a bunch of ponies I knew by heart. Maybe I felt this odd sensation because at that moment, the moment I plumped my fluffy flank on that stool, everypony was staring at me. "What in the hell happened to you DM?" A large figure grumbled beside me, after a few minutes of silence, and time for me to take mutible sips of my drink "Well-" I said, putting my drink down to reply to Spark's comment "I don't know Captain Pinhead, just sick of that usual, cocky, city air" Spark slammed his hoof down, chuckling loudly as he took a large swig of his drink, slamming that down, and offering me a hoof "As are all we DM! Welcome, finally, at last. Why don't you get yourself another drink-" he said, looking at her empty glass "-and talk for awhile. It seems you had a bit of a ego boost" Spark took a eye to my diaper. "Hey!" I growled. I moved my tail to cover the side of my garment "Don't look down there!" "Oh?" Spark picked up his drink again "Yes, I understand. Your diaper is so embarrassing. Being in incontinent, most likely. Definitely not as embarrassing as showing up to a formal navy party in swimming trunks and a parrot" "Oh I remember that one" Scribble, or Roger, giggled in the back at his booth "Or the time Twister kicked out his own mother!" "Aye guys..." Twist said in his thick accent "I know it was my momma, she was just.... Annoyin' me, that's all" "That was no reason to punch her" Spark snickered "She's your mother you nub!" "Augh..." Twister said, waving his hoof at them as he stood at his position in front of the bathroom door. I just sat there, giggling a little at their remarks. I seemed to have disappeared in the conversation, which I was very thankful for. Spark stood up and pointed at the bartender. He wasn't paying attention, but he was listening. I knew him as the manager "And this guy right here went on a rant and exploded one day, when he ran outside at noon and threw a fit because nopony was in the restaurant that day. He never noticed the closed sign was still flipped over!" He laughed hysterically, and I had to laugh too. The short little pony, his hooves all in a knot over his obvious bad business. He seemed like the stallion that would have Neighpolean's Syndrome. Spark approached me, taking a seat beside me and wrapping a hoof around me. When he did that, instead of being creeped out, I was rather... Happy. I was really happy for once in my life, like I was accepted. He was just a old, sailor, drinking until his head would explode, and hell, he was having a good time doing it. He told me that I was on everypony's side "Hey DM" he said in his friendly voice "We all make fun of each other here! Trust me! Nobody cares that you're wearing a diaper. Like you said, no cocky, city air in here. Just a few nuts having a good ol' time. You can join us... Unless you're gonna let your silly problem hold you back any longer" "I think I have let my problem hold me back for too long" I said, as I let my tail hang again "But now I must wonder how I'm going to stick with so many big, strong, stallions. I'm am just a little helpless mare" I said this in a happy tone, just playing around to see what they would say. "Are you kidding?" "Wait what..." "Are yah' sayin' what I think ur sayin?" Twister said, speaking for Scribble and Scrawl who were chuckling "Miss, you just took down 2 glasses of whiskey in no more than 10 minutes, I am sure you can stick with us" I looked down at the empty glass in my hand, and hell, it was already empty again from Spark's complementary filling. I went to pull out a bag of bits from my coat to get another glass, but I was stopped by Spark. After that, he gave me a funny look. Obviously drinks were on the house tonight, and it was always that way so close to the big holiday. I smiled and sat back down on that stool for what was going to be a long, eventful night. It all started with that fist glass of alcohol, and continued each one after that. Each glass something new happened. We discussed politely on my 3rd and 4th glasses, but when we moved onto beer cans, things got a little more frindly. We became closer and closer to eachother, both physically and mentally. Eventually we were all sitting at the bar, secluded from the mysterious mare, of course, but Twist, Spark, Scribble, the owner, and myself all drank and talked. I felt the closest to Scribble the whole night, we all got to know each other better, but Scribble and I were getting the closest, oddly enough Doc, almost like a romance. But it didn't last long as I was on my 3rd can of beer. At that point we were getting hammered. The manager turned on the radio, and Christmas music played loudly. The place was even brighter as he turned on the multi-colored Christmas lights around the bar. It not only started to get warm from that cheery feeling of Christmas I haven't felt since I was 4, but also with the feeling of being with 4 ponies that I loved more and more as the night went on. Complete strangers! Strangers that felt the same pain though. I could drink forever, but around the 5th can of beer, I started to slow down. I was at the point where I was hammered, but it didn't matter anyway, because we all went onto the dance floor as 'Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree' came on. We were all sort of dizzy, but we all swung to the old song, in the small area open at the bar for such recreation. Spark sung along for a bit, until he eventually got a dancing partner. You wouldn't believe it, but it looks like that mysterious mare was following the same ideas we were! She seemed to have drank a fair amount, and she revealed herself. Taking off her coat, revealed a older mare, around her 40's. I could of swore I've seen her before, but I couldn't put my hoof on it at that moment. She danced slowly with Spark, until he gave her a little spin. The mare almost fell over, but she started giggling and showing obvious signs she was having a good time. I was a little shy doc, this was my first interaction in awhile and I was expecting something to come, but I didn't know when it was coming, even in my drunken state. All I knew is I couldn't deny it. When I saw Scribble looking over at Spark, then at me, I knew he was going to ask for a dance. I wobbled over to him, as he came up to me. We were both a bit stoned, so we giggled when I fell into his arms. I looked up at him and it was like he was sparkling in the green and red lights on the dance floor. His brown mane, the same color as the bar, his coat was grey like the sidewalk outside, and his eyes, staring into mine, were just as vibrantly blue. I always looked at him at him from afar, but this close, he was all I wanted to see. My heart pounded Doc, and all he could do is giggle at me. I have no idea how I looked, I leaked last night although I didn't want to, so I know at that moment whatever condition my diaper was in was a bad one. But, Scribble didn't care, or Roger as I referred to him that night. That was his real name, and he started calling me by mine "Annabelle" he said "May I have this dance?" "W-Well" I said, stuttering. He swung me around, and I didn't expect it. I giggled loudly as he held me close "I'll take that as a yes... Just follow my steps" After that moment, I held him close as he lead my hooves to the song. It wasn't the best dancing song, but it made perfect for us, at this moment. We took it slow as he turned, slowly moving about the dance floor. I wobbled a few times, almost falling with how dizzy I was, but each time he caught me every time. Somehow he kept his balance. As we went on, I put my head against his, accidentally. It gave me some support from falling over, and it seemed to stay there. We both looked into each others eyes, smiling mischievously, as well as happily. My heart was about to pound out of my chest, so, even drunk, I remember blushing immensely. I never had a dance like this. Roger sped it up "Alright now... You hold tight" I held tight and he gently picked me up from my hips (Over the straps of my diaper, but at this point, did he really care?) he spun me around at the end of the song, pulled me up, and landed me up on my hooves gracefully. The song ended, and we looked up at each other. Another song came and took it's place, as we still looked at each other, hesitating before the next move. I spoke up for once "Well..." I panted "My p-partner. I think we need a bit of a r-refresher, no?" Roger chuckled, rubbing my back gently "That was beautiful Annabelle" After that, we were even closer and everypony knew it. It was like Spark and Twist were planning it, they smiled at us as I put my head up against him a few times at. I was drunk, sure, he was too... But the connection still felt just as warm and heartfelt. It was like Christmas came early. He was my gift this year. I couldn't want anything more. Maybe I'm just being the typical love-struck mare, but that's really how I felt. Diaper? Who even cared anymore at that moment. As the night went on, it got a lot more... well, warm. It's the only word I can use to describe it. Twist eventually left, as he finished his last drink while the slower music played. The manager started to wipe down the bar, and clean up, as Spark slowly danced his last dance with the mysterious mare. After that, he left too. It was just him and I, the manager left us alone as we both stayed so close at the bar. We both took sips of our drinks, laughing and giggling about life experiences that weren't depressing in this state, but funny instead. Even those stories seemed to connect to him and his life. Roger didn't have to wear diapers to feel the same pain. After one more dance, with the same warmness, and closeness I shared with my partner, we both went into the back, and I don't want to say what happened from there. The dance was slow this time, and only the two of us to 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas' and he showed the same affection, and romantic dancing. When we were done, we went to his apartment, while the manager closed up and we left, leaving the old little paradise of mine alone in the snowy night. I can't even remember what happened that night, in that bed, but it was full of bliss. I know what you're thinking, but I tell you to put those thoughts away. When I woke up in the morning, I woke up in his apartment, in bed beside him. I kissed him on the head, left a little note on his nightstand, and left while he was still sleeping. When I walked home, I didn't have my coat, or surprisingly, a diaper. Yeah, I walked home basically naked. I felt like a new pony. As I walked home in the early morning, things just glowed so much brighter. Ponies didn't stare at me, though, I don't even think I would notice if they were when I was wearing my diaper. I had went a thousand times the previous night, since that much alcohol really went right through me. The hangover couldn't even effect the lust I was in so early this morning, at 5 in the morning, in the snow. Doc, I felt like I could sing like in one of those movies. I returned home and put a diaper on, of course. I decided to hang some decorations up, and decorate my pathetic little tree in my house very beautifully. I hummed to myself while I played Christmas music, much of the same music I heard the night before. After this, all so early, I came here to write to you. Life seems to be showing me a path. Things may straighten out if I get to know Roger, the scribbler at the bar, just a little more. I could have someone that loves me, and supports me, although I have a disability. Doc, I haven't even had that when I was a little filly. I think I found my friends, so I don't exactly need you anymore. I still feel a little betrayed, but it may just be my headache I have. I am so happy right now, it just wants to find something to get mad at. Well Doc, I guess I'm going to sign off now. I have some shopping to do, as well as a bar to go to later. Merry Christmas, I guess, and I wish you and your baby luck. I hope that little colt has a good holiday, as well as yourself. I know you can overwork yourself sometimes. Why don't you find something like I did last night? Maybe a stallion of your own? Ha, I'm kidding, but don't let this holiday breeze over you. We only have so many in a lifetime. Author's Note I STATE MANY TIMES "CHRISTMAS" INSTEAD OF HEARTH'S WARMING I got sick of ponifying everything. I couldn't right the same warmness, or feeling to it, without it actually being the Christmas we all know and love. So ignore that, please... I'm sorry
Journal Entries: December 1st - December 3rd================================================================================================= 100 PAGE COMPOSITION BOOK ================================================================================================= This Journal Belongs To: Annabelle Feather Number: 856-555-4545 Return To: 21, 36th Street, Floor 6, Apartment 8, Manehattan, New York. ================================================================================================= December 1st: Hello. I don't exactly know who I am talking to, or why, but I am just going to confess to something now. I don't want to jib-jab for 10 paragraphs trying to get this out. I am Annabelle, and I wear diapers. What? Didn't expect that? Well join the club, neither do most ponies I meet. Why? Well, what do you think? I like it? No, no way. It is because whoever is up there, looking down at me, blessed me with a disability. A horrible one too. I am incontinent. Guess what that means? I have no control over my bladder or bowels. So that is why I am stuck in this thing. I would rather have ADHD, or be bipolar, but instead I have to walk around with my bathroom strapped to me. So, I told you that. You can stop reading now, and laugh. I get it a lot actually. It is fine, but we are moving on. Second thing I want to tell you, is that I don't want to write this. My doctor told me that if I write out my feelings in this composition book, I would feel a lot better about myself. That, and the doctor could see what my day to day life is, and how to fix it. It all started yesterday, when she handed me this book, with the stupid marble print on it. I found another use for this thing, other then to write out my "Feelings". I am going to use it to promote anger, and to whine a lot. It is a good idea, since I don't have a single pony to complain to, other than doc. I guess this is my first journal entry. I am really just finding ways to fill it up. My goal is to fill more then a page a day, and it is also what the doctor ordered. As I said before, my name is Annabelle, my full name is Annabelle L. Feather. I would prefer if I was just called Annabelle doc, I hate it when you use my full name. I am 22 years old, live in a Manehatten apartment alone, and I am a pegasus. As I look down at myself, I guess you could say I am pretty. The mirror beside me, in this room I sit writing in, I see myself. Short little me, a brunette, with a blonde coat. Or maybe it's yellow? Anyway, of coarse you can't see most of my coat, because it is covered by a ugly dress I always wear. Last, but definitely not least, is the great diaper, as it is failing to hide behind my clothes. There you have it folks! Annabelle the pegasus. As for personality, I am often told I am extremely friendly, and sometimes shy. I never get angry at others, other than in this book, and my own thoughts. I guess after all these years of being bullied for my condition, you could say I know how to deal with everyday crap. I am able to ignore all the ignorant ponies, and don't get upset that easily. This is probably the most feelings I ever put into a writing piece. My occupation is that I write, my covered cutie mark is a pen, and pencil. Now, don't start thinking that this journal is going to be something I actually put all my heart in. This isn't something that is going to be published, or be looked at other then by you. I write sci-fi anyway, not really this kinda stuff. You said not to think of you as the audience, but that is what is going to happen anyway. Let us see here. I am supposed to write out what my day was like? Well, if you say so. Today was a Tuesday, yesterday I saw you, doc. I woke up, changed out of a used undergarment, and did the daily stuff. I ate a egg sandwich, and listened to the news on the radio. By then it was already, like, 2. I usually sleep in late, until 12. I stay up late and read books, or work on my writing peices late at night. So everyday, I like to change things up. When the clock strikes 2, maybe I will go out and shop, or maybe bake a pie. I don't prefer going out, I wear the dress, but it honestly doesn't cover up this fluffy thing. The only thing that it does is hide what is going on in it. I still get a few glares, but other then that, people mind their business. When it is around 6, I go to my favorite diner, where probably my only friends are. All the waitresses know me, and there are some others loners, like myself, that hang about. I eat, go home, write, change, and then sleep. That is my day. Happy now? I definitely feel the change in me right now *Sarcasm* I think this is enough for today, not really actually, but I want to go to bed. I'm a little damp, so I guess I will change. You know everything already, why do I have to explain it again? It is late, and I want to go to bed. The heat in the building is off, so I am freezing. I guess that is the advantage of this dress, and diaper thing right? I honestly don't think this will help my problem, I guess I will just use this for what I said. Whining, complaining, and possibly something to do when I'm bored. So, good night folks, or doc. ================================================================================================= Note: You really should not think of me as your audience, or it won't work. I suggest you lighten up a bit too, or this project will just be another source of stress. Act like a totally, unknowing pony is reading this, and just describe what your day was like, like you did. Just, don't have a attitude. Signed: Doctor. Lee December 2nd: Don't have a attitude? I feel like you're a teacher, I think the way this will work is by letting me adjust. I have to admit that yesterday I was being irrational. I just have a question though. Do I have to see you everyday? It is a long walk to the office for you to read this junk. Can't we do this every few days? Or maybe you can come here? Honestly, I have no idea how long we are going to do this, but you know I don't like going out into public with this thing on. Alright so you said, totally unknowing pony. Got it. Lets just say that this "Unknowing pony" read the above. I guess they want to know how this happened to me? Maybe who my family is? Well first I better explain my attitude from yesterday. I guess I was just in a bad mood, I ran out of coffee, and was really hungry. Didn't get much for dinner that night too. Anyhow, let me continue, with my amazing story *More sarcasm*. It all started when I was really little. Back when I couldn't do anything without my parents help. When I was the cutest newborn around, and actually got some attention for once. In the near future, I would become the middle child, but that is a story for another time. I was born premature, and was very sickly. My folks wondered if I would even live. Thanks to a couple of miracles, I lived, and grew up healthy. I had heart problems, along with a refusal to eat, and they stuck around until I was a toddler. When I was about 3, it all started to happen. How I got stuck in these things. The things that would get me bullied in school, and anti-social as a adult. At three, you usually are being trained, or already are trained in that manner. When I was sat down, and told to go, I just couldn't. They would pick my little flank up, put me back in trainers, and then I would go. This went on, until I eventually sat on toilet for hours, until I went without control. My dad also yelled at me a lot, took things away, and even beat me. Yeah, dad was harsh, especially since he only cared about my amazing brother in college, and adorable, newborn twin sisters. I was just the forgotten middle child. Anyway, it got to the point where they finally wondered if something was wrong. I stayed in diapers until 5, and they thought maybe I was mental or something, being pretty immature too. They confirmed that I was incontinent in the doctors office. I had things poked where I don't like to be poked, I was pressed in places I really didn't like to be pressed, and after a lot of discomfort, they found it out and explained it. I was told that in the woom, the nerves needed for such activities weren't developed correctly. The only way to fix it was to get a extremely expensive surgery that would give me a very small amount of control, or wear diapers for the rest of my life. So here I am! Whats next? Oh yeah, my day. It was the usual, other then I had to go to the doc at 2. It took awhile to get there, and I had to wait longer until she was done with somebody else. Finally it was my turn, she read, and I left at 3:30. I headed to church, and prayed. Then I went to the diner early, around 5:30. A couple of friends were there. So unknown mysterious pony (that is secretly the doctor *gasp*), I guess you want to know about the doctor! Oh, well she is a swell mare. Doctor Lee wears a white coat, glasses, and is probably a little older then me. She is a single mother, expecting a child in a month. How ironic, she is going to have two babies now. Anyhow, she has a blonde mane, and a coat color that is darker then mine. She tells me about herself a lot, like how her husband left her, and sometimes I feel like I'm her favorite patient. I am unique, and I don't blame her, I am pretty awesome (Kidding, my ego isn't that high). Well, I'm bored. I think I'm done tonight. I have no idea if my attitude was better, but this was better then yesterdays. I guess this won't be that bad, it is something to do late at night. I usually just sit around, writing, or reading, while I soil myself. I need to go out tonight and buy more diapers actually, I'm running out. That is another question I am sure you have. How is it actually buying the things? Well, since I walk into the store, where it is already obvious what I'm wearing, they don't care. I guess ponies understand that I have a problem, and unless the cashier is a jerk, they won't say anything either. So g'night doc. See you in the morning... I guess. ================================================================================================= Note: You aren't really meeting your required amount of words. I recommend going into detail on more things. I really want to hear about your friends at the diner. Do they accept you? Or do they ignore you? You mentioned they were loners, and I am happy to hear that you have found some ponies you like. Last, I do want to see your journal everyday, I will come by your house if you don't want to come. Just remember, I am the pregnant one here. It is not very fun for me to walk far either. Tell you what, we will switch every other day. Signed: Doctor Lee December 3rd: More words, more detail, and you told me in the office that you wanted me to talk more about my other problems. I guess the unknown reader wants to know why I am here in the first place. Well, it isn't just because of my diaper problems, it is also because I always have been anti-social, always was depressed, and not anywhere close to actually having a life. I got a therapist, Doc, to help me deal with all these problems. I honestly have had financial issues too. I write pieces on the internet and make a decent amount of money, but I am mostly running off my brothers money. The jerk lent me some money so I wouldn't starve. Tons of sibling hatred for him, I was always compared to him. So the doc helps me with all these problems I have, I am one troublesome mare aren't I? My family was always a problem. When I went to school, and was bullied by all the mean city kids, they were never around to help. When I needed to learn to fly, my pegasus mother didn't care, making me learn by myself. Yeah, she gave me a helmet and wished me luck, awesome, right? There was times they ignored my grades, and didn't care about what my special talent was. It sucked, and set me up for this life. This was back when I didn't wear a dress either, people could just see when I wet myself. A big yellow stain, and I didn't notice until I sat in my own filth, or a kid pointed it out. I could go randomly, even in middle of a conversation. I got all sorts of insults, and they all went unnoticed, even by the teacher. Some of them included calling me a baby, saying I smell, not wanting to be in groups with me, shooting spit balls, calling me diaper girl, staying away from me, and last but not least, tripping me every time I left. Mommy and daddy never let anyone hurt their little angels, the problem was I wasn't a angel. If anything like that happened to my siblings, it would be justified instantly. Alright, so the friends at the diner. Well, first of all, the diner reminds me a lot of myself. It is small, and located on a small street. Some of its lights are out, and it is beaten up, but surprisingly, a new building on the street. It is forgotten, and down sometimes, like me. The ponies there are also a lot like me. The waitresses are all sweet, and all have children at home. 3 of the 6 of them are single, and have this job to support their young ones. So they feel pain, like I do. One older mare, always comes and dressed up in the nicest of her clothes, and finest jewlery. She waits, and orders a drink while she stares into the walls of the dimly lit place. Some say, that she is waiting for a long lost love, that she lost years ago. A stallion, that was my age, has a similar cutie mark, and is always typing on a typewriter in the back. He was there everyday, working, and crumbling up papers. His story was that he was constantly trying to write the perfect novel, but like me, he didn't have much support. The stallion was a earth pony, and was suspicious. Sometimes our eyes met. I wouldn't call him a friend, but we all have the same feelings. I talk to him sometimes, and he isn't disgusted by me, at all. Another weird thing is that he gets uptight about me looking at his work. So yeah, that isn't it, I have plenty in the diner. Those two were always there, I am not sure if I want to get into the others. We are almost like a club though, they are the family I never had... Or ever talked to. I usually order pasta, which is always delicious. Just because it was beaten, didn't mean it couldn't produce good food still. A lot like me, so many ponies judged from the exterior. The only problem with the pasta, is that everything I eat, has to be regulated. I know it is gross, but if I eat too much... I don't need to go into detail. Today was a little different. It has been that way since I have been talking to you in the afternoon doc. I woke up early, and listened to the news awhile longer. I heard all about Princess Celestia and Twilight Sparkle. I got changed out of a diaper that was wetter then usual, then put on a new dress and got ready to see you. But guess what! When I came to the door, I opened it and you were there! I totally forgot about our little deal, and I guess it is alright if we switch off everyday. I do feel bad for making you walk all the way here in your condition. Sometimes I wonder if you actually like me, or if I am just another client. You seem to do things for me, which is nice. But again, if you need me to come to you more often, it is alright. I also hope you are covered for when you go into labor. Who is going to help you when you're home alone? I decided that this is okay. I mean, I felt a little better today. I don't think I wrote much more. Maybe I will get even more into detail. Having someone... or something to tell everything to, is better than nobody right? Your little notes help, just tell me what you want more of, it sets a line for what I'm writing. It looks like I am out of stuff to say, I guess tomorrow I will talk about more of my "Friends". I am pretty tired, it was a long day, and I want to get changed. So I guess I will see you later doc, have a nice night, and I will see you in the morning. Good luck with your son. ================================================================================================= Note: Better... You still need more detail. You are a writer! I don't mind you telling me about your "accidents", they let me have a better idea about what you are going through. If I know what is happening, I can help you. Talk about what you hear on the news, how you felt that morning, or maybe any problems you encountered. It will get you to talk more. I have to say that I would like to hear more about your friends. Did you ever think that the stallion in the corner is writing about you? Or have you thought about giving the older mare company? I like that you compare yourself to the diner and it's people. Also, thank you for concern about me. We are doing just fine, the baby is totally healthy, and happy. He may be born around the holidays. I have got that covered, I am staying at my sisters for the time being. I am not enjoying it there, I am very uncomfortable sleeping on the couch. Lets just get you in order first, though. I do enjoy being your doctor, and trust me, I am much more then just your doctor. I can be your friend, and I can see you more often then just in the office. Keep writing... and enjoy the rest of your weekend. Signed: Doctor Lee Author's Note This is a new layout, that a lot of people haven't seen before, so let me state some things: This layout is semi-based off that of a book called "Scrawl" There will be a lot more detail and dialogue It is written by the main character, so there will be errors, being that it is in a composition book (Imagine yourself reading it as the perspective of the doctor) I also know this will get disliked. Yeah, it is just fact. After someone reads the first couple of sentences, notices this is my first story, or notices it included diapers, they will probably hit that dislike button. It is fine, I guess it is okay, but I am enjoying writing this. I also am hoping others like me enjoy it.
Journal Entries: December 8th-11thDececmber 8th: I am the type of mare that would come back. That diner is the only place I feel at home. It feels... Special to me, if the ponies there are jerks, or not. I just like how it is unique, like myself, although it doesn't seem that way on the outside. The ponies there are all unique in that same way too, and I guess what you said was possible. They are all comfortable sharing their problems with the posse, but I don't think that he should have mentioned mine. Maybe if I knew him, we had been talking for awhile. The only people that are aloud to ask me about this problem is... You... and- I guess, you. Anyhow, I think he tried to correct himself, I will give Roger another chance it seems. You don't have too many questions about this stuff though doc, I don't think you would understand. Well, something happened to me today, that really brought my mood down. I saw you at 2 today, after waking up this morning extremely late. We talked, and you know what we talked about. I gave you some more detail on the restaurant, and told you more about the ponies there. Once that was over, however, I walked home and saw something that touched me. There was a little filly, and her mother, both walking down the street. It must have been her first day going to school, probably a exchange student or something, but it was noticeable. The little foal being maybe around 4 or 5, was probably one of the cutest children I have ever seen, and her mother was very young. She was wearing a name tag, had all new things, and was wearing a big winter coat, and a scarf. I actually didn't think anything of it, before I saw the mother turn the little girl around. "Where is the bus mommy?" The little one asked, as her ears were high up, listening around. Her fur coat was a light grey, and she had a dark brown mane, like her mother. "Are you listening?" The mother replied, her voice was very soft. "Yes mommy" "It is a pulled cart. A lot like the ones you hear around here. The thing that is different about it, is all the excited foals just like you. I am sure you can make it out." It was obvious that she was blind. Now, that is so much worse then my condition. I only have to deal with embarrassment, but her next statement made me feel sympathy, and later on, depression. "Will they like me?" "Well sweetie, I love you, and I know you are a very special girl, although you have a little problem. Just remember that if you can't run, then walk-" The little girl stopped her mother, by continuing her sentence. "-And if you can't walk, then crawl, and if you can't crawl, then squirm. But whatever you do, do not stop moving forward" she smiled, and her voice was so innocent, and beautiful. "That's right. Good luck okay, I see the cart coming now. I love you very much, and I always will. Don't let anyone be mean to you, just keep moving forward, and you will be a very smart mare when you grow up" the cart stopped in front of them, as I stood back and watched. The little filly felt around, trying to find the steps onto the yellow cart, and it wasn't until the mother helped her that she was on her way. I walked passed that mare, and I looked back at her. She smiled at me, minutes after she stood at the stop in silence. Nopony ever smiles at me, I usually get smirks, or insults, but she actually smiled. I don't know, it was just touching, and it was sweet to see a mother and daughter like that. Especially a little girl that had a problem like her. That little filly was blind! I would get spitballs shot at me, given insults, but I could defend myself. That filly can't defend herself at all, and there could be so many cruel tricks for the bullies to come up with to mess with her. When I got home it brought back some thoughts. I never been fully honest with you doc, and I told you awhile ago, but I didn't go into great detail. My real mother was a lot like me. We almost looked exactly like each other, and she loved me more then anything. That was before she divorced my father when I was 8, and left forever. I know I am the middle child, but she was the only one that respected me, up until I was 7. The reason my dad was able to abuse me, is because while he was home, my mom was always busy working. She was so beautiful, and kind when she was around, but I always displayed her to be the same as my dad, to avoid thinking about her. The mother I saw at the bus stop, the way she had affection for her daughter even though she was disabled, it reminded me a lot of my mom. Now my step mother was my fathers partner in crime. She was a normal mother, but exactly the same as my father. Uncaring about me, and only really focused on my brother in college, and normal twin sisters. I pulled myself into this whole mess, when I looked through my mothers photo album when I got home. You wouldn't believe how many pictures of me there were! All when I was only- ================================================================================================= December 9th: Guess what time it is? It is 2, so why am I not at your office? From all this journal crap, I totally forgot about the soon coming holidays, and today it was snowing. A blizzard rolled through last night, and all the streets were covered with the plain white snow. I usually ignore it, but all the decorations around town were lit up too, and it is a lot like a winter wonderland. I never usually notice the sweet atmosphere in the air. I guess it is why they call it "The most wonderful time of year", it never had been a good time for me, all it brought was a ton more customers on the weekends where I shopped. I never had anyone to spend it with, I just have a glass of wine on Hearths Warming Eve, get a little tipsy, and sleep really late the next morning. Nobody was out anyway. So anyway, I decided I want to get more social on that night, instead of drunk. It will be a goal to actually have somewhere to go on Eve, or the actual day. I had to go in the snow. I am not always just a lazy grouch, I had to go and hop around in the snow. I didn't even change, I just threw on boots, and ran out there. That wasn't a good idea, a couple probably noticed what I was wearing, and that it it was used. Oh well, I guess I am so used to it. In my school days, I didn't even have a dress to cover up the thing, when I did actually have accidents. That was the most embarrassing thing ever, being that my dad bought the cheapest possible diapers. I swear he just bought them to keep stains off his floor, not to actually bring me comfort. I put my hoof marks in the first, new fallen snow of winter. The thing about this city though, that makes winter a little bit more "magical", some would say, is that the pegasi don't control the weather here. Can you believe that down south they do actually create it? I like how up here, everyday it is random. Down there, all the weather is scheduled. Sounds boring. I stayed out until I was I couldn't stand the cold anymore. I went back into my beaten apartment, changed out of my used undergarment, took a shower, and put a new one on, along with a stupid dress. They make me pretty! Yeah, right. I couldn't make it to your office, because all the sidewalks on the smaller streets weren't shoveled, and I thought I would give you a break today so you could spend it with your son. Go outside, I bet he can feel the same sensation, even though he isn't out here yet. Enjoy your real baby, not me. I wonder when you are going to have him anyway. I hope I can see the little guy when he is born, I always loved foals. Cute, cuddly, and loving. I always wanted my own little one... But no chance I am ever getting pregnant. Ha, I can't even imagine that. Think of the irony though. Meh. Not much to say today. If I can't make it to your office, I think it would be fair to say I can't make it to the diner either, since they are the same distance. You know what that means? I went out after playing in the snow, and cleaning up, and got some items at the nearby super market, to make some type of dinner for myself. Living alone has its benefits, like being able to cook whatever you want, as loud as you want, as dirty as you want, and best of all, singing as loud as you want. I will put on some Coldhay, because they are the best band ever, and I will sing my heart out while making- I think it will be soup, I am not exactly sure what it will be. I am sure it will be good, I don't think you can burn soup, right? ================================================================================================= Note: Annabelle... What happened to the rest of the journal entry on the 8th? You actually sounded happy, and excited, like you were going to tell me something that could have helped you. I had to some stuff to say about your previous entry, but I really want to see what you said on your mother. I never learned about how you thought of her. If she has a lot of pictures of you, then she must have loved you (You should bring in those pictures some time, by the way) You do notice that most of your life is shaped by your foalhood, right? From the day you are born, to when you turn about 5, your brain records everything it needs to know for a basic knowledge. Who do you learn everything from when you are little? Seeing that your older brother didn't care, and your sisters were born later on, it had to be from your parents. So everything you think about, and learned, is from the basic knowledge your parents taught you! Most of your personality comes from that, most ponies think it is genes, but it is actually that. If you tell me who your mother was, I can get to know you better. A mother to child relationship is a beautiful, beautiful thing, I want to hear about how your real mom treated you. It looks like you completely ripped that page out. ================================================================================================= December 10th: Why I ripped it out? I didn't want to talk about it! It brings back way too many memories of her, and makes me angry that she actually left me, alone with my dad who totally didn't care about how I lived as a child. How do you think it felt being alone every night, to now, not being able to talk to the only pony that actually understood me. Do you even understand me? Not really, seeing that you are asking me about something I did not want to really talk about from the start. I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote that all down, it was a touching moment and all, but I shouldn't have brought all those thoughts back. As soon as that scrap book opened, I slammed it shut, and ripped anything else I wrote, out. It was basically all jib-jab about how important a mother is to a young mare. Obviously she didn't give a flying feather, that her bucking diapered, disabled, filly, that loved her more then anything, wouldn't be with her anymore! She didn't understand the meaning of that relationship, she was just like everypony else! Not giving two craps about me. I am sick of it, I am not saying anything about my loyalmom. Sometimes I wonder why she didn't just get rid of me anyway. It probably would have made a lot of ponies lives a hell of a lot better. Excellent, in my written out rage, I wet myself. Perfect. Now my body can't even give me a chance to go a hour of my life without running into problems. No wonder I am always alone doc, because I like being alone. Everypony has their own plans, and they all want to paint this picture of themselves while they step on others to do it. My dad wanted to look like a great father, making his oldest son go to college, and become a big business man. To do it, he ignored his daughter that still soiled herself. I guess if nopony can see that I am actually a pony, with feelings, and my own wishes for myself, there is no point in trying to interact with them all. I am going to take a shower, and drink some coffee. I don't know if I am coming back to this journal or not, maybe I will change my mind. I think it will be pointless if I am staying in here all the time. ================================================================================================= Note: First, I would like you to know that I am very sorry about your situation. Sorry that I mentioned anything at all about you continuing. I should have asked you in the office, gotten the answer, and ended it there. You just can't do this to yourself Annabelle. I honestly don't understand you, we only have known each other for a short time, but I am trying to understand you. You're extremely unique, and intelligent, I just want you to get out there, so you can feel love, and find friendship. I didn't expect you to blow up, and get angry like that. Lets just take this step by step... I am obviously pregnant, I think we have gotten that point across. Your mother has held you in her stomach for 9 months. She fed you when you couldn't feed yourself, she took lots of pictures, and I am sure she thought you were the most beautiful little filly in Equestria at one point. She taught you to walk, she taught you to talk, she cradled you when you cried, she burped you when you needed to be burped, and she even changed you when you needed to be changed. It is motherly love, and I already feel it myself, and I got a couple weeks ago... It is a burning passion, that is extremely hard to ignore. All mothers feel it, it is in their nature. So do you think after all that love she had given you, she would have left just to hurt you? Annabelle, you told me yourself that when you were a foal, that you were well taken care of. It was not until you were 4 that your sisters were born. You can't give up on yourself. You said early on, that good things happen to good ponies. That is true, and it is all part of Celestia's plan. The whole karma thing is true, and you have never caused anypony, any problems, and good is sure to come your way. But it won't happen if you quit. If you quit this, I have no other ideas to help you. Keep moving forward Annabelle. December 11th She was a pegasus. We were both pegasi, and the only ones in the family. The rest of our family were earth ponies. Her mane was a brighter gold, and her coat was much more shiny. I would look up to her, and I always thought she was beautiful. I look a lot like her, and have a lot of her personality, like my father said after she left. Interdependent, clever, curious, and she was a pony who knew how to get through things. The only problem, was that she sometimes was arrogant, at times stubborn, and could get a attitude. I was born at Manehattan Memorial Hospital, on a cold, cloudy day, on January 8th. My grandmother, who I never saw much, and I also never saw anymore after the divorce, said my mother had a look in her eyes the day I was born. It was love, the purest love, as she held little me in her arms, but it was also fear. I told you that I had heart problems when I was a newborn. My mom asked non-stop how I was doing when I wasn't in the room, and even my good ol' dad was worried. Could you believe that he actually loved me at some point? I understand what you said about the whole motherly love thing. Well grandma said that dad didn't really take care of me, and my mother did most of the work. All my stupid dad had to do, was have the pleasure of creating me, then sit back. That day, he left the hospital to go and see my brothers hoofball game, while my mom refused to leave. I sit here now, and I look through some pictures she had of me. She took the time to make this scrapbook, and it is filled with all sorts of adorable, but of coarse, embarrassing, pictures of me when I was little. When I say little, I sure was little. There are plenty pictures, and every one I had a smile on my face. We both loved each other, and I totally forgot about how much I missed mom. When my diaper problem came around, she was always busy working, and didn't have a say on it. My dad took over, and she felt like she did something wrong. That is all I have to say about that. She loved me... and had a lot of pictures of me when I was little. I miss her, and it makes me really depressed when I think about it. I don't think it helped, only brought back memories, and that is why I got angry, instead of telling you about her. I don't know where she is, but I want to continue writing in this journal. So I can get a social life, get a job, and find love, so that I can be the little filly she wanted me to be. ================================================================================================= Note: Good. I am glad you continued. Now that this is out of the way, I hope we can continue on normal business. The entry on the 8th was cut off, the 9th was not very detailed, the 10th was when you got mad, and the 11th is when you told me about your mom. We will talk all about this in my office. D.L.
