To: Rainbow Dash
Dear Rainbow Dash,
I have to admit, I was surprised and a bit honored when you handed me the final draft of the story you were working on and said you wanted me to review it. I could tell by the look on your face how important it was to you, so of course you knew I'd agree. As you probably know, I wasn't expecting what I saw. After writing out all of my thoughts and sleeping off the hangover, I almost threw away my review, but then I decided that you've earned the right to see the fruits of your labor, so I'm including it in this letter. Know this: I'm going to get you back for this.
Vengefully yours,
Twilight Sparkle
Enclosure: Twilight Sparkle's review of The Adventure of Rainbow Dash, Daring Do, and the Wonderbolts, dictated by Twilight Sparkle and transcribed by Spike the Dragon.
I read the story as you asked, and will now share my thoughts with you. You know that I love you like a sister, so please keep in mind that anything I say from this point on comes from the heart. This is going to be tough love, but I only do this because I know you're capable of doing better. First, let's talk about paragraphs: There need to be some. Seriously, my eyes bled by the time I finished reading (figuratively, haha!). It's all clumped together, and that made reading it very tedious.
Next, let's talk punctuation. To start off, I'll list the things you did right: You ended each sentence with a period. Now let's talk about what you did wrong. This sentence is a perfect example:
'who are you' daring do asked rainbow dash. 'i am rainbow dash' rainbow dash said and flew down to see her.
Where. To. Begin. Quotation marks and commas are a must. This is literally every sentence in your story. I know we've been out of school for several years, but I would have thought you'd retain at least a little grammatical knowledge. There are way too many errors in punctuation to list here (if you really need help identifying them, we'll go over it together), so I'm going to pour myself a glass of Jack Daniels and jump right into the story itself. Here's how you begin your tale:
daring do arrived at the temple and rainbow dash was there. no better yet daring do made her way through the trees of the jungle and saw upon the templ legendary temple she had been looking for.
So yeah, you definitely rewrote the opening sentence without removing the original one. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you're trying to show me your creative flow or something (even though you told me this was your "final draft", a term I now believe you used incorrectly). Regarding your presence in the story, without any explanation as to why you would be hanging out near a temple in the middle of a jungle, your inclusion makes no sense. Thankfully, you decided to remove that part.
it was super big and rocky and looked like other temples. rainbow dash was there.
Oh wait, no you didn't! That's your first major problem. Why would you be in a place like that? You need to explain how you came to be in that area. This doesn't count:
'just hanging out you know practicing an awesome new trick' rainbow dash said. 'what kind of trick' daring do asked. 'one where I fly up into storm clouds, corkscrew down bringing a trail of them with me then do a sonic rainboom that will make a bunch of lightning go off' is what rainbow dash said. 'that sounds AWESOME you should take a break and hunt treasure in this temple with me' daring do said.
I have to ask, is this a trick you're actually working on? Because it sounds amazing. More importantly, the temple needs much more description. Assume your reader has never seen a temple before, and go from there. Saying it "looked like other temples" isn't going to cut it. On the subject of the sudden introduction of characters:
'who are you' daring do asked rainbow dash. 'i am rainbow dash' rainbow dash said and flew down to see her. the wonderbolts were doing tricks in the sky above and it was AWESOME.
What!? Why on Earth are the Wonderbolts there? That was rhetorical, it's become pretty clear to me at this point that you were writing a wish-fulfillment story, and most ponies would have tossed it aside at that point. But, you are one of my best friends, and so I will try to help you salvage this if it's really as important to you as you said it was, so let's continue after I pour myself another glass. Speaking of a lack of description:
so daring do rainbow dash and the wonderbolts rainbow dash daring do and the wonderbolts went into the temple and it was full of traps. all kinds of traps like in other daring do novels and they avoided all of them because they were awesome. 'that was a close call' daring do said. 'more like several' rainbow dash said and the wonderbolts laughed.
And this:
'ill get it cause im not scared of nothing' rainbow dash said flying up and grabbing the crystal. it started a new trap but rainbow dash defeated it and daring do thanked her.
You put no effort into describing the trials that you, Daring Do, and the Wonderbolts went through. You've read these novels, I can't believe I even have to explain this to you. If you don't tell us what the perils are, we, as readers, are not going to be engaged. Hold on, taking another sip. It wound up being a gulp. Wow, that burns. But yeah, while we're on that section of the story, let's talk continuity. First, you wrote this:
they found the main room and there was a really huge crystal or something there and daring do wanted it but was scared of more traps.
You told me this was the final draft of your story, so aside from now wanting to light something on fire, I have to point out that the "or something" should not be there. Unless, for some reason, your characters can't see the item clearly, make a commitment and tell us what it is!. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, continuity. You confirmed that it was a crystal and not "something" in a later sentence, which I cited above, but then this happens:
'here you earned this' daring do said giving rainbow dash the golden pegasus.
So now all of a sudden it's a golden pegasus? Where did the crystal go!? Did you proofread this at all? Maybe it's the whiskey, but I'm actually starting to get angry, here. You had to have known how much I'd hate this. Furthermore, nopony meets another pony and becomes instant best friends like this:
'so what are you doing here' daring do asked her new best friend.
That's only a few sentences into the story. You and Daring Do literally just met.
'your way to cool too not hang out with the wonderbolts can come to' daring do said.
These are not realistic social interactions! At least you waited until the end of the story to write the most awkward one:
'thank you im gonna put this in our apartment' rainbow dash said. oh right they decided to get an apartment together because they liked banging so much.
I'm going to assume you meant to write "hanging" and leave it at that. I was going to try to be nice at first, but now? No. You need to know how horrible this story is. It makes no sense, it's full of grammatical errors, and nopony else is going to enjoy it because it's all about you getting things you want. I base that on this part here:
'[The Wonderbolts] will [come with us] because im there captain and they like doing what i say' rainbow dash said.
Honestly, you almost have to try to write a story this bad. And now we're back to the final part, where you actually talk about what will be in the sequel, and I'm drinking straight out the bottle.
rainbow dash daring do rainbow dash and the wonderbolts did more tricks before daring do said 'ready for the next temple' and rainbow dash said 'you know it' and so they went and did the next temple and that will be in the sequel.
Please, for the love of Celestia, do not write that sequel. Not sure if this stuff is going through my liver or kidneys, but neither of them could take it! Hold on, Spike, I hadn't read this last part way at the bottom of the page. It's written all tiny, let's see:
Gotcha, egghead!
Oh that little... Well, now I know why Pinkie Pie was giggling when Rainbow Dash gave this abomination to me. I'm going to get them back for this. Make me waste my time... I'm going to bed. You can stop writing, Spike, we're done here.
For the record, I thought it was hilarious.
-Spike
