Have I Seen This Story Before?
Oh, what an absolutely wonderful day out it was- sun shining, birds chirping, the whole nine yards. As far as nice days go, today was perfect. If you're the kind of person who likes rainy days and smog everywhere- well go live in Seattle or something. Today is full of sun and happiness. Now our main character (me, of course) was peacefully asleep on this perfect day. Why wouldn't I be? I lived in Seattle. As I was peacefully sleeping, nothing happened. Nothing continued to happen for a good long while during my nice little (eight hour) nap, considering the relative difficulty in doing things while asleep. Some people have a magnificent talent for sleepwalking, some sleep eat, and I'd assume some do sleep paperwork. The last bunch are especially lucky, since sleeping for them is actually more efficient than being awake. Wonderful condition, with the odd side effect of dreaming about a steamy spreadsheet instead of a woman (or man, gender and sexuality dependent) like the rest of the world does. No, you dream about spreadsheets, you poor sod.
Moving on past the completely unnecessary tangent about spreadsheets, I awoke with the oddest feeling that I should go file something. Odd, all things considered, what with me having every mid-twenties male's dream job of not doing anything whatsoever for all the money I want. Now, this next bit is completely unrelated as well but I feel a need to share it. Along with the ridiculous amounts of money I had (and have) I also had (and have) a smoking hot 10/10 girlfriend who loves videogames and listens to everything I say. Now that I'm done telling you how much better my life is than yours, I should get to exactly where I woke up.
Of course it wasn't in my house, no that'd make things dull and uninteresting. Wouldn't want to write something that everyone already knew about, would I? No, of course I woke up in Equestria. There was a smiling pink pony, who I won't name since you all obviously know who it is (really, that'd be patronizing and insulting), staring at my face. Now, this would have come as a shock to me had I not read all that fanfiction. I knew it'd happen one day, I'd get teleported to a magical land of ponies and everyone would love me even more than they already did (which is difficult, since the president literally attempted to kiss me on sight). It was all finally coming true- I was exactly where I needed to be, and I knew everything about this world- from the animation error in bush three of episode one at five seconds, to exactly how many times Pinke Pie had jumped throughout the entire show. Yes, it was completely perfect.
"Why are you lying on the ground, silly?" Pinke asked me. I would have thought she'd be more startled by a human, but I suppose that all those other fanfiction writers must have needed something to go off.
"M'lady, I was merely resting my head for a moment." I replied. A true gentleman always speaks as if a lady (regardless of if said lady is a cartoon horse) is his superior, while at the same time completely ignoring any and all attempts to initiate courtship. Everyone knows that the friendzone is the greatest zone to be in.
"You talk funny!" Pinkie replied, bouncing up and down as she spoke. It was truly a sight to behold, a pony seen by my own eyes, one not seen through a computer monitor during the middle of the night. I watched as the majestic creature bounced up and down- eyes never leaving the pink spot in an otherwise green and brown landscape.
"I speak as a gentleman should." I finally said, tearing my eyes from the bouncing creature. "With elegance and class."
"Whatever mister, just don't get eaten by a manticore on the way to town!" She said, smiling and bouncing away into a thinning part of the forest. I followed her, hoping to receive the attention I deserved from the townsfolk. The forest continued to thin as I slowly walked behind the pink pony- the nearness of town evident. I hoped to meet the full cast. That hope would be dashed soon enough.
"Behold, for I am human!" I shouted, proudly spreading my arms in the center of the town square. Not a single head turned to look at me. It was ridiculous, I was the kind of creature to be feared and bowed to. Thumbs and a magnificent brain to take over this world; both qualities that should be bowed to in a society of small horses. "Are you not impressed?" I shouted, a look of sadness spreading across my face.
"You're the third one this week, just go home and make it easy on yourself." A blue pony remarked in passing. "There's a well at the edge of town that says 'humans jump here' on it. Jump in and you'll be home." As I watched the pony walk away, I couldn't help but feel a wave of depression wash over me.
My walk to the edge of town was slow and sad, passing many ponies who completely ignored me and continued chatting as I walked by. Heads should have been turning- I should have been their king! Of course, I wasn't. Humans in Equestria are simply too common these days. It's too bad. 'Well, time to go home and find somewhere else to take over.' I thought to myself jumping into the well. A moment later, I was at home in my own bed. My smoking hot girlfriend was next to me, and my fan made of money was there as well to cool myself down. I was home, and while it wasn't ruler of Equestira, I was still rich, handsome, and had a hot girlfriend. Thanks to that experience, I had the ability to write about this experience. It was amazing, despite the rejection.
Author's Note
If you hadn't noticed, this is a joke.
