You can take her back... but on one condition

“So, what’s our next step?” Asked Haydes, curiously looking around. It was clear as day that she’d never been in the upper world before.

“I suggest we should head on to my library first. I need to check some books which could give us wise advice about where to begin with this whole romance thing.”

The rainbow-colored parrot on Twilight’s shoulder chuckled.

“Still the same good old Twi, aren’t you? Believing that books have the answers to any question.”

“Laugh it up, Dash. But you have to admit that I was able to recognize your interest in me only because I’ve read some books about romantic relationships.”

“Oh, right. Although it was after our first time, wasn’t it?”

Twilight gulped.

“Um… Well… I...I don’t quite remember…er… Haydes, how do you like our world so far?”

The alicorn turned around only to find that the ruler of the afterlife word was nowhere to be found.

“Haydes? Where are you?”

“That can’t be good. I better go and prevent her from getting herself into trouble.”

“Good idea. I’ll stay here in case she returns.”

The prismatic bird flew off from Twilight’s shoulder and quickly disappeared in the air, leaving a rainbow-colored track behind her.

‘I don’t think she was able to go too far. Maybe I could detect her, using a magical spell. Although she’s not a regular pony after all… well, I’m gonna take this risk anyway.’

Twilight closed her eyes and prepared. Her horn lighted, making a bubble-like energy construction. It separated from the tip of the horn and hung in the air.

“Okay… Here’s Dash, trying to get used to a new way of flying… but I need to find Haydes. Hmm… maybe I should tune this thing to show me her tracks? Yeah, that’ll do.”

But before she was able to do anything, she heard a scream, coming from somewhere nearby:

“I don’t want it! Leave me alone, you weirdo!”

‘Let me guess - Haydes,’  Twilight thought wearily.

She was right. Immediately afterwards a yellow-maned unicorn mare ran past her, with the bounding for of Haydes hot on her tail, while carrying a cart, filled with flowers and with a yelping Rose, who was harnessed into it.

“Wait! I want you to be my specific pony! Can’t you see these flowers I’m ready to give you?”

“Take the flowers, take everything, just let me leave!” the flower trader pleaded, her eyes wide with fear.

“Haydes, stop! What in Equestria do you think you’re doing?!” shouted Twilight, quickly approaching the ruler of the afterlife, who finally stopped and put the cart on the ground.

“I’m trying to find love, Twilight Sparkle. Have you forgotten it, already?” Haydes said.

“That’s not how it should be done! Look at poor Rose; you could have killed her!”

Haydes squinted at the panting mare, who clung to the sides of the cart in a vise grip.

“Huh… I didn’t notice her when I grabbed the cart... Hey! Maybe you’d like to be my—”

She didn’t have a chance to finish her phrase.

“Well… I’ve seen many things, but this… I guess you’ve really scared her, Haydes.” Twilight said with amazement. The earth pony flower seller bolted away from them, running at a speed that would put Rainbow Dash to shame.

Haydes snorted.

“It happened only because of their timidness,” she said flatly. “They were way too shy, in my opinion.”

“Or maybe you’re just… well, not quite sure about how to meet new ponies,” Twilight pointed out.

“You… really think so?” Haydes asked hesitantly. “Well, you could be right… I mean, I have never had any practice in this.”

“Twilight! I’ve made several circles around Ponyville, but I couldn’t find Hay… oh, she’s here?”

Rainbow Dash landed on Twilight’s shoulder, breathing heavily.

“It’s kinda difficult to fly in this body…”

Twilight giggled and nuzzled up to the parrot Rainbow Dash.

“Well, now that Rainbow is here I think we should return to my original plan about what to do next.”

“Yeah? And what’s that?” Rainbow asked.

“We’ll teach her how to meet new ponies. About the ways of dating, and so on.”

“Oh, right. And I will teach her about hooking up with ponies.”

“A parrot for a pick-up teacher? Now that’s new.”

“Twilight!”

An hour later...

‘Okay, attempt number one. This shouldn’t be too difficult.’

Haydes took a deep breath, then trotted in a solid gait to the nearest pony, a lavender-blue pegasus with orchid eyes and a blonde mane.

“Hi, there! Nice to meet you. My name is Haydes.”

“Oh, hi!” she responded, smiling and waving a hoof. “My name’s Cloud Kicker. How are you?”

‘Okay, use Rainbow Dash’s advice now.’

“I’m doing good, but I’d be much better with you by my side, if you know what I mean, babe.”

Cloud Kicker blinked in confusion, titling her head.

“What do you mean by that?” she asked.

“Mmm… playing innocent, aren’t we? Okay, I’ll join you, then. How about this?”

The ruler of the afterworld closed her eyes and slightly opened her mouth.

“Um… What are you doing?”

‘Darn it! I forgot what should I do with my mouth open. Maybe...’

“Ouch! Get away from me! You’re sick!”

Haydes wonderingly watched at her quickly walking away, chewing part of the pegasus’s freshly-bitten off mane.

‘I don’t think Dash meant that when she was talking about pick-up.’

‘Attempt number two. Now I will make things right.’

Haydes sat near a unicorn stallion who was reading a book.

“Hey, how are you? I see you like reading, huh?”

“Well, yes. But I like reading much more if nothing is distracting me from it.”

“Yeah, I hear that. I don’t like when somepony get on my nerves, too. You know, we have a lot in common - it just couldn’t be a simple coincidence.”

He looked at her for few seconds, then shook his head and continued his reading.

Haydes nervously smiled.

“And… when two ponies have a lot in common… they become a couple… right?”

“Look, I don’t know what the heck are you talking about, but I’d like to have some peace, if that’s okay.”

“Of course! I can give you as much peace as you’d like.”

Haydes touched the stallion’s forehead and he immediately closed his eyes and dropped the book, lying lifelessly on the bench.

‘Um… I hope he meant that kind of peace… or no… I’d better bring him back.’

As soon as the unicorn opened his eyes and saw Haydes, he yelled and run away, forgetting to get his book.

“Hey, come back! I just wanted to… great, he ran away from me. Just because I gave him a quick tour to my kingdom?”

She sighed. “Well, at least I keep ponies in shape.”

‘Okay, third time is the charm. I can’t miss.’

Haydes placed herself in front of a massive pure-white pegasus stallion with unproportionally tiny wings.

“So, you think you can beat me in hoofwrestling, huh? You look kinda puny,” he said, doubtfully observing her.

“Don’t worry, my dear. I’m stronger than I look. Let’s do it.” She extended her forehoof.

‘Alright… Rainbow said that a little competition could speed things up rapidly. But she didn’t tell me if it should be my win or my loss. On one hoof, if I win he might feel himself offended… but if I lose, he might suspect that I succumbed. Hmm… it’s a quite of dilemma. I think I… Ugh, a mosquito. I hate mosquitoes!’

Haydes shook her hoof in order to knock off the importunate insect. After that she tried to return back to hoofwrestling; but she couldn’t find her opponent. She looked around, puzzled about how that big pony could just disappear; and then she noticed a tiny little white spot in the sky. The spot was rapidly becoming bigger and bigger.

‘Interesting, what it could be? Maybe it’s… wait a minute. Why is it cursing, anyway? I didn’t think objects could do something like—’

Suddenly Haydes realised that it was that pegasus stallion.

‘Whoops… I didn’t mean to launch him into the air… Um… I’d better get going before he lands.’

‘Okay, I’m tired of all this crap. This is going to be the last attempt.’

Haydes carefully approached an orange-coated earth pony wearing a hat, who was walking her dog.

“Hi, my name is Haydes. Heh, seems like you’ve got a very nice dog.”

The earth pony smiled.

“Eeyup, she’s a great dog. Oh, sorry, where are mah manners. The name’s Applejack, and this is Winona. Winona, say hello, girl.”

The dog cheerfully barked, ran up to Haydes and held up a paw.

Haydes giggled, taking the paw in a hoof and gently shaking it. “Wow, it’s really impressive. Did you train her?” she said.

“Well, Ah’m trying to teach her some lessons, here and there. She’s pretty dang smart, and figures out a lot of things real quick.”

“You know, I like… no, I love dogs. I have one, myself. I can show you him... if you don’t mind, of course.”

“Oh, really? I’d sure like that, actually,” Applejack answered, smiling brightly.

Haydes gave a loud whistle.

“He’ll be here in no time.” she smiled.

*boom.*

“What in tarnation was that?” Applejack asked, glancing around fearfully.

*Boom.*

“Oh, that? It’s just my...”

*BOOM!*

“...dog.”

A giant black beast appeared directly behind Haydes. It had three heads, with red glowing eyes and fangs that would scare even a manticore. The monster wagged his tail, at the end of which was a huge snake.

“This is Cerberus, but I usually call him ‘Smokey’ because of his color. He’s very playful and fun, isn’t he? Applejack?”

She looked back to her with a frown. “Hey, Applejack? Are you okay?”

The earth pony squeaked weakly and fainted dead away.

‘That’s it! I’ve had enough of this!’

“... and it was my last time I’ve tried to find a special somepony. I guess no local citizen needs me,” Haydes summarized the disappointing outcome, looking sadly to Twilight and Rainbow Dash.

“Wow, Haydes. Don’t mean to sound rude or anything, but... you suck at this. Honestly, I can think about it as a talent; being able to fail, even after having such an awesome pick-up teacher as me,” Rainbow Dash said, preparing to peck up a cracker.

“I… I just don’t know what to do. It seemed like a good idea, but now… I have no clue,” Twilight mumbled, trying to think of something nevertheless.

Haydes sighed.

“I don’t think I will be able to find anypony among these ones. They are too… soft.”

“Soft? What do you mean?”

“I mean, they are used to a comfortable and safe life, and if something happened at least somehow more exciting, they end up scared.”

“Well, if by ‘exciting’ you meant ‘bring a giant monster from the pits of Tartarus’, then yes, you’re right,” Twilight remarked ironically.

“I just need somepony who’d fit me just fine. Somepony courageous, tough, maybe a little crazy. Heck, I’d agree to have somepony slightly malefic!”

With each word a puzzle into Twilight’s head was taking shape. And the last one became a trigger which had painted the whole picture.

“Rainbow!” Twilight asked excitedly. “Are you thinking what I'm thinking?”

“I guess so, but... let’s face it, Twi. We can’t do that until I get my body back.”

“Um… what are you talking about?”

The parrot stared at Twilight with her best ‘are-you-for-real’ look.

“About sex, of course. Wait, did you think about something else?”

Twilight facehoofed.

“Sorry. I forgot that sex is the only thing you’re thinking about all the time. Nevermind.”

She turned to the ruler of the afterlife.

“Haydes! I think I know the pony who would be just right for you.”

“Really?! Where should I go to meet this pony?” Haydes asked heatedly, hoping off from the couch.

“It’s far away, so me and Rainbow will go with you.This is going to be a long trip, but trust me - it’ll be worth every single mile we’ll pass.”

“Um, Twilight? Who the heck is this pony you’re talking about?”

Twilight smiled, and said one word.

“Chrysalis.”