To readers who began this story before 23 January 2015,

There has been an update to the story description, resultant of additional revisions made to earlier chapters and the insertion of this new chapter in particular: “this story contains real-world religion (specifically, Christianity) as an important plot point and element in at least one character's development. You've been warned.” This chapter deals heavily with Christianity (of unspecified denomination). Other revisions are relatively minor but still may reference Christ and/or monotheism. These can be found in those of my blog posts, dedicated to listing noteworthy revisions.

Could you skip this chapter without getting lost at all in future ones? The answer is yes. In any case, would you miss out on the underpinnings of a certain character's morality? Definitely. I leave it to you to decide whether to read on. God bless.

Though she'd slept well, night had come and gone too quickly for the exhausted pegasus. It wasn't every day you exposed your most private secrets to a best friend. All day prior, from the time she sat with Twilight, and all that morning, while she primmed and preened and completed an abbreviated list of her morning chores, the little mare's reality felt alien. Had she really told the young princess what she thought she had? Was it really possible?—possible that Twilight had broken through her fear, that Fluttershy had laid out half a lifetime's worth of sordid curiosity and misdeeds for her bookish friend to scrutinize? She recalled that there was still more to share, to expose, and, if possible, expunge from the darker caverns of her memory. She'd already come this far. It was just a matter of time before the counseling would turn its focus instead toward “finding a solution,” according to Twilight. Meanwhile, it came as a welcome relief to Fluttershy to return to a small part of her old reality.

Fluttershy sat somberly at services near the back of Ponyville's familiar west chapel. Per usual, she arrived late to avoid the crowd and any awkward conversations. A pony she'd seen many times but never known very well stood at the pulpit while Mr. Waddle sat close by with a sleepy smile. The words the mare spoke washed soothingly over her after the trials of the past several days: “The embodiment of Love created heaven, Earth, and ponykind.” Fluttershy couldn't doubt the feeling the message brought her. Like a shining indigo mist it quietly scattered her dark uncertainty, brought her relief, brought peace for a while, until a subtle cunning darkness challenged her calm.

What part of love is in you? a voice Fluttershy knew all too well came laced with derision. Only once had she willingly allowed it to manifest beyond the confines of her mind, and it had driven a wedge between her and two of her best friends. Thank goodness they forgave her.

I'm an heiress of Love, her heart steeled against the challenge of her own self doubt, willed it to test her, born to live and die and live again, to inherit godhood.

A good tree bears good fruit. What fruit will you bear?

To the allusion, she had no answer, but a mix of hope and fear. God willing, I can change.

How? the question came as anything but curious, but she thought an answer to it regardless.

Faith, repentance, water, and fire, the quiet pony assured herself, reciting the primary tenets of her religion.

Have you been born of fire?

I'm still impure—she willed herself to hope—but I have desire.

Is it true desire? What is it you really want? it prodded knowingly.

Despite mixed feelings, the answer seemed clear to her when she stopped to think about it.

Love. Her resolve grew, but the voice only laughed.

Wouldn’t Love support you if that were true? Where is your God? the question came disingenuously, but with a dramatic flare, doubt's flagrant scorn insistent that the mare's faith was as worthless as the tired cliché that challenged it. The laughter seemed to grow louder, to mock, and, though Fluttershy did her best not to dignify her own jeer with any genuine consideration, for a minute, she couldn't help but think back over her many past and few most recent—most grievous—mistakes.

A burning misery pressed mercilessly into Fluttershy's neck, and a dull sour ache nested itself in the pit of her stomach. Maybe ... I really am lost—

—and leading the child to the same soulless end, it accused hotly—she accused herself. All laughter had ended abruptly.

No. Her brow furrowed and her eyes shut briefly before shimmering down at the floor beneath the pew in front of her. That was never my intention.

Does your ignorance or 'good' intention, it sneered, feigned or not, soften her fall?

Maybe she won't fall, the desperate little mare reached. Maybe Love will support us.

Are you worthy of such a miracle? Can you stand in the presence of angels without shame?

Can I? she begged to know. Could she number herself with prophets? Could she hold herself up with their spiritual leaders, with Celestia herself?

I've confessed to my friend. She felt a little confidence, not much. I'm not perfect, but I'm doing what I can to get there.

Are you?

I hope and pray.

Meanwhile, at what cost does your friend keep your secret?

Despite what Twilight told her about trusting in friendship, Fluttershy wasn't sure. I can only trust in friendship with her.

Can you?

Fluttershy reconsidered and was caught. I can't trust in friendship alone, I guess. In the end, she either didn't understand or didn't believe entirely in Twilight's philosophy, she admitted to herself.

There are many pitfalls, doubt confirmed.

Yes, but Twilight's faith in friendship is still noble. It might be justified. Fluttershy struggled against what she knew of false friends, the fallibility of well-meaning ponies, and her own flaws to see how the young alicorn's trust in her might not be misplaced.

Only Love is infallible.

Love is justice and mercy in harmony. Mercy and grace can save us, even though we have our flaws.

Harmony will never rob its own. Justice must be satisfied. There will be a day of reckoning, it threatened.

Yes, and though Twilight's trust in me might be misplaced, I can at least seek harmony with God. Fluttershy took courage. I can't convince her to do the same, but I can do my best not to fail her as a friend.

And if you do fail her?

It isn't my desire to fail, she willed herself to ignore the temptation. If I do, then it will be after all I could do to ... stop myself. She swallowed against lewd memories of her recent scandal and managed to shake them off. Mercy claims those who give everything they can.

Brave words, the voice sneered again subtly, accusingly.

Fluttershy was undaunted. It's not trust in myself that makes me brave, but trust in God, in Love, and self-assurance that I'll continue to choose him over this flesh—

—rife with stray passion, so easily tempted, the part of her hissed.

Yes, and Love promises always to prepare a way through trials, she countered.

Not always in the way you might hope, the voice muttered back.

So be it, she thought with finality, and the voice stilled for a while, replaced by the speech of the pony at the pulpit.

The mare's tone was level, far different from the occasional traveling preacher Fluttershy had heard, lacking their flourish and showmareship, yet each word struck its chord with that much more sobriety. She spoke with confidence that reminded Fluttershy of Celestia, without hesitation, but softer, more soothingly than anypony Fluttershy could think of (forgetting to think of herself). If not for the microphone, she might have been too quiet to hear over parishioners shuffling in the pews and the babbling of foals here and there whose parents made church attendance a family event.

Fluttershy appreciated many different things from various speeches that she had attended at church over the years. Some were boisterous, some emotional, some informative, others inspiring. Many were ordinary; a few stood out as extraordinary. Some she found charmingly awkward while others, occasionally, she found beautifully composed. While most lesson topics were assigned by leaders to be prepared and given by the parishioners themselves to their congregation, on occasion Mr. Waddle or a guest leader from another city would speak as well. Their experience and conviction often added to their messages, but not always, she thought. Sometimes, a young colt's five minute message left a greater impact on her than the visiting authorities.

After so many speeches and so many lessons on harmonious writ and prophetic counsel over the years, the subject matter became repetitive, but the quiet pegasus never minded a good review. More often than not, a new angle would give her added insight, or an old message would help her to reapply its principles to her daily life. While she almost always found the messages relevant to her, that day's sermon seemed especially timely amid her current spiritual crisis.

“... Gallopians 5. The law and commandments alone never had power to save us from our own mortality, nor can they reunite us with God once we've strayed. The law works together with mercy to give hope to those who desire an elevated life more than they desire carnal things—peace more than the fleeting pleasures of this world. 'For we through the Spirit wait for the hope of righteousness by faith. For in Jesus Christ neither circumcision availeth any thing, nor uncircumcision; but faith which worketh by love.'

“Palo's sudden apostolic declaration that the law of Mosé was no longer in effect after the resurrection of Christ meant that circumcision was a point of contention among those Gallopians who'd been born and lived under it their whole lives. Members of the ancient church were instructed that circumcision was irrelevant, and Palo explained that love was the new standard—”

You're wise. You know better than the law. Temptations slithered between Fluttershy's thoughts.

No. Fluttershy firmly bade the thoughts cease, and they did, for the time being.

“'For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.' Rather than not murder, love requires us to forgive our enemies—rather than not fornicate, not to lust at all. 'Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would. But if ye be led of the Spirit, ye are not under the law.'

“To so boldly teach that God had given them all a new standard of worship—to love each other as he had loved them—and to say that he would inspire them through the Spirit to break the old law, bespeaks the hypocrisy of those who clung to the old law, those who would 'strain at a gnat but swallow a camel,' dishonor the spirit of the law, yet justify themselves to their culture by keeping the letter of it.

“Love will not tolerate selfishness, and selfishness can't bear love's self sacrifice. Spirit and flesh war in us daily so that, with right living and faith in Christ to overcome, our love will deepen and our strength increase. When the battle is fiercest, we need not fear it, only fear that our spirit might ever stop fighting. Only through conflict can we begin to understand divine Love, but we need not—we're counseled not to fight unprepared. With faith that Love has conquered death and pain, we're shielded; with knowledge of Harmony's power, we're armed, and no enemy can threaten us, no fear persuade us to abandon what brings us true and lasting peace.

“Palo explains further, 'Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you ... that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.'

“No soul trapped in such a miserable scramble to satisfy the whims of their physical appetites can ascend to the godhood which Christ promised we may inherit, not because God is cruel—far from it—but because Love holds something so much grander than the fleeting present. However intense and enduring our pain or pleasure may seem in life, they will become a distant memory—a speck along the time line of eternity. Still, mortal life is a time of particular importance. Whatever material pleasures we might selfishly grub here, we'll ultimately lose, but, if we store up treasure in heaven, we'll be rich with things that last forever.

“'The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.' Zion, hope for a better life, and heaven itself are built on these things.” Honesty, kindness, laughter, generosity, and loyalty flashed across the pegasus's mind. Each seemed to fit somewhere within the epistle's list. Silently, Fluttershy pondered the role of Twilight's friendship among them. “Under Christ's law, Zion is no longer a single city or place, but a harmony sung across the world by the pure in heart, those who treasure one another above mortal life, as the father of our souls did.1

“With blood that dripped like sweat in the garden, through unparalleled agony of mind and body, and through death itself, Christ learned the absolute depth of every mortal suffering. God gave him alone complete understanding of our hearts. He knows you deeply and individually. He loves you in joy or sorrow, sickness or health, whether you reciprocate his love or turn away the needy, sick, and afflicted.

“Christ alone earned the power to heal our pain and sorrow if we come to Him in faith and reciprocal self sacrifice. Lacking innocence, we can't save ourselves, much less repay Christ's infinite sacrifice, yet God sent his son, regardless, to bring resurrection and immortality to both the righteous and wicked alike, and, if we align our will with God's, He offers us an exalted state through Christ. If we choose not to, though it grieves God to see our fall, he will never force us to live lives of peace and harmony. This is the nature of Love: kind, gentle, never compulsory, even if we unwisely choose our own unhappiness. She who sows selfishness and won't repent, chooses to reap a terrible loneliness.”

Through her soreness and struggle for personal redemption, the familiar doctrine brought relief to ease Fluttershy's pain, inspired security to consider God's intimate awareness of her struggles, and brought peace as she considered that her shortcomings might be canceled, her mistakes wiped clean through Christ. Still, not knowing whether the life she wanted with Sweetie was completely justified, the warning she heard in the message stung like salt and vinegar to an open wound. Years of careful contemplation and her recent resolution couldn't keep the little mare from worrying for the umpteenth time whether she might have let selfish passion guide her much farther than she realized.

The question caused her to shrink, though she only asked it silently.

Am I wrong to pursue her, Father?

She didn't usually receive answers to such broad questions; the lack of any divine intimation didn't surprise her. Still, she yearned. Am I so proud or faithless that I shouldn't know your answer ... for something so important? Fluttershy begged, but stopped herself meekly to listen.

When she could quiet her mind and feelings just long enough, sometimes she'd sense a still small voice, not her own, more subtle than a whisper, often a sudden, light feeling. It came as a thought that she knew followed no conscious thread nor matched what she knew as her subconscious rabble, yet was always welcome for its warmth and reassurance when it arrived. Sometimes, more rarely, she'd be able to sense an answer in the negative, a soft prickling sorrow or uneasiness for no known cause other than the simple fact that she'd humbly and sincerely asked for an answer. It was more difficult to catch for the fact that there were many reasons to feel uneasy or sad for the little pegasus, but catch it she did on occasion, long enough to distinguish it from her typical angst.

Thus the quiet pony learned to speak with her God, to gain wisdom, comfort, and patience beyond what she felt she'd otherwise have been capable. By carefully listening and following each prompting, little by little, she'd seen profound truths within the Harmony Scrolls that some seemed to miss. By the same method, with time, she'd been convinced of many of the messages delivered at church, while others, she'd learned, were only partly true, (if well-meaning).

This time, as she listened for an answer to her prayer, only the usual scramble of thoughts and feelings filled her mind—frustration she felt toward herself for her inadequacy, concern for her animal and pony friends, worry for whether the ponies next to her were offended that she didn't sit close enough, or maybe sat too close, hope that she'd be able to leave the premise later before anypony might try to talk to her, and, above all, thoughts about Sweetie Belle. This last subject gave her worry for the amount of interference it created. Even when she'd managed to silence all the others, thoughts about the little pony were loud and persistent enough to drown out any answer. Not to be deterred, the earnest mare fought through the mental din, emboldening her request.

I would give up everything, Father— she focused on her relationship with Sweetie Belle in particular.

Is that true? doubt interrupted, wouldn't stay quiet in the face of such an incredible claim.

I must, she insisted, or I'm lost forever, like I used to be before I came to Ponyville, like I feel I am again, right now. Misery threatened again, this time a dull throb in her chest and head.

I'll give everything, she repeated, and her eyes watered in her desperation, to know—she hesitated, her body still heavy with doubt, afraid to let go of Sweetie, her friends, and animals, to promise while not knowing to what exactly she might be promising, but commitment resolved in her as it had at the border of the Everfree Forest—and follow wherever Love would lead me.

She ended with a tense sigh, yet, as she finished her promise, quiet finally settled in her heart and mind, and, to her relief, the subtle shift she'd strained to notice in her thoughts came to her attention. It was no more than a memory of something she'd learned as a budding young mare.

“If no answer comes, sometimes that is an answer. If you're living your life in harmony with God, and your priorities are in order, the Lord may stay silent ... may lead you in many cases to make important decisions for yourself. Trust that he is presently watching over you, and, as the loving father of your soul, trust that he would never abandon you.”

Long held tension in Fluttershy's back, neck, shoulders, and each of her limbs slowly eased. It wasn't what she'd hoped, but her worry subsided, the burden on her heart and mind became bearable, and, knowing she'd received her answer finally, she whispered a teary, heartfelt thank you. She'd only dared to hope that the resolution she'd made next to Sweetie at the edge of the forest had been worthwhile. Now, however, she felt divine approval on the condition that she check her priorities frequently and keep herself from repeating her mistake with Sweetie.

For a moment, the orator's words echoed through Fluttershy's thoughts once more. “Today we endure mortality so that the newborn love in each of us will grow. Our origins are veiled, our futures uncertain, and all truth is seen only as through darkly tinted glass, yet, if we could remember what heaven was and who God is, no power under either would dissuade us from choosing to keep the commandments. Our test and our spiritual growth would end ... but God is kind, therefore he lets us struggle.”

The rattle of rain could be heard on the chapel roof now. Despite the melancholy other ponies seemed to feel on such days, the noise always felt reassuring to Fluttershy.

She contemplated her own struggle once more. As Sweetie had slept by the forest, many of her thoughts had been far from innocent. It was no wonder she'd slipped into selfish behavior afterward, she thought. Guilt about what happened on her couch plagued her again, and she comforted herself once more, knowing that she'd taken steps to rectify her mistakes. He'll forgive me as long as I'm sincere. Self-doubt prodded her once again at that thought. Still, none of it negated what she knew were selfless hopes and an honest effort to change for the better.

A vision she'd seen while she meditated, of foal and mare in chaste, matrimonial love had shined brightly enough through her more lurid fantasies to give her confidence that, with extra care, she might master her impulses. If it hadn't been for that hope, she knew she'd never have confessed her love. Now she felt certain that her hope could be made real. If uncertainty remained, she contemplated, it might only be regarding how far she should be willing to go for Sweetie's sake and whether God would still support their relationship if it meant abandoning her friends.

“Princess Celestia's most recent address to the faithful ...” the speaker's words only occupied the margins of Fluttershy's attention as she contemplated her and Sweetie's possible future. Hearing the matriarch's name shifted her thoughts again, and the pegasus's mind wandered back to her most recent interaction with their prophetess.

It had been an honor—one she would have felt didn’t suit her had she not trusted the Princess so implicitly—to be relied upon by their ruler and spiritual leader for the monumental task of reforming the ancient draconequus, Discord. Her friends had given her their support, but with reservations. None but Twilight truly seemed to believe he would be reformed, and even the faithful student’s faith had appeared to waver somewhat. Though it would have been nice if they’d given him the benefit of the doubt, Fluttershy couldn’t blame them, at least not at first.

When Discord’s feigned efforts had them all unconvinced, despite her own doubts, Fluttershy reproved them for their accusations. The whole situation had been a test of the young pegasus's reliability, of kindness's power to gently change hearts. She liked to believe that she had helped rescue the chaotic creature from his own fallen nature, taught him the value of companionship, the folly of selfishness. Really, she knew he had a long way to go; she was, perhaps, even more aware than any of her friends that his reformation wasn't complete, yet her hopes were high. She had to keep her hopes high, not just for his sake. If he could truly change, she thought, ... then so can I.

Author's Note

Many thanks to Setokaiva for editing.

Chapter References:
http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Quick-Disinfectant-for-Minor-Cuts-and-Abrasions