Chapters View Online
A Homeric Epic in Equestria
Chapter the First: Captain Monkey Wins World War II
The movie showed several views of a dark, lonely estate. Then it entered a window and closed in on a snow globe clutched by a dying man.
“Rose…bud…”
“BO-RING,” said the viewer, who changed the channel.
“We now return you to our feature presentation, Captain Monkey Wins World War II,” said a narrator.
“Ooh!”
“Ah cannot believe zat we ah being defeated by a mone-kee!” said Adolf Hitler.
“Not just any mone-kee mein führer," said his underling. "A CAPTAIN MONE-KEE!”
Captain Monkey Wins World War II was one of the silliest films made in the Twentieth Century. The concept was ridiculous, the writing was corny, the acting was terrible, and for some reason the Nazis all had French accents. To the average human being, this was one of the lowest forms of entertainment…
…but to one simple, stupid man, it was a masterpiece of action, drama, suspense, and romance.
Homer Simpson watched the Z-grade flick with awe as the eponymous primate crashed into der Fuhrer’s office of evil.
“Ooh-OOH. ooh-OOH-AH-AH-AH!” proclaimed Captain Monkey, with Gusto.
“But ze mone-kee! She cannot fly!” said Hitler.
Captain Monkey produced a jetpack from thin air, and went straight for the megalomaniacal tyrant when…
“Homer!” called a nagging voice.
“Muuuhhh.” Replied Homer.
Marge Simpson walked into the living room to stand in front of the television.
“Homer, have you mowed the lawn yet?” asked the Simpsons matriarch.
“Monkey punching bad guy. Me mow later,” said Homer.
Marge plucked the TV remote from the couch and turned off the TV. “You’ve put it off for too long! The grass is taller than Bart is!”
“No it’s not,” said Homer. “Look, you can see Maggie playing out there!”
Indeed, Maggie Simpson’s head was poking out of the top of the grass. Then Bart walked inside with Maggie atop his head.
“Mow the grass, Homer.”
“But I CAN’T stop watching now!” pleaded Homer. “If I don’t watch Captain Monkey, then we’ll lose World War Two!” He turned to Marge. “Do you want to be responsible for letting the British take Pearl Harbor? Do you?!”
Marge’s frown of disapproval remained unchanged by the fallacious remark.
Homer walked to the garage to get the lawnmower, grumbling under his breath as he went.
Homer thought his day couldn’t get any worse as he mowed his forest of a lawn when…
“Howdily doodily, neighboreeno!”
It never failed. Every time Homer was doing chores in the yard, the stupidest jerk in the world was just across the fence.
“Hello, Flanders,” grumbled Homer. “Did you forget to mow the lawn too?
“Almost did. I was just about to sit down and watch a movie, but thank the Lord, little Roddie noticed that the grass was half an inch too high. He doesn’t like when it tickles his feet. If not for him, I’d be sitting around watching TV when the grass is screaming to be trimmed!”
Homer glowered straight ahead of him at nothing in particular. If it wasn’t enough that Ned was right next to him doing the exact same thing he was doing, it was that he was enjoying it while Homer… didn’t.
“Lousy grass,” he mumbled, when he heard a car sound from his driveway. He saw Marge drive away with the kids in tow.
“There goes Marge and the kids. I’ll bet they’re having fun while I’m stuck cutting this… green… stuff.” He imagined his wife and children eating ice cream on a moon bounce with sexy beer cans.
“I’m sure glad Dad isn’t here, because this is way too fun,” said Lisa.
“I love making Dad miserable,” said Bart.
“What ‘chu talkin’ ‘bout boy?” said Maggie.
“Stupid moon bounce.” Said Homer.
“Wait, you fool! While Marge is gone, you can watch TV!” said Homer’s brain.
“I can do what now?” asked Homer.
“With Marge gone, you’re free to do whatever you want!” said Homer’s brain.
“Including that?” asked Homer.
“NO! You can watch Captain Monkey!” said Homer’s brain.
“Captain who?” said Homer.
…
Inside Homer’s head, footsteps sounded, and then a door slammed.
“Wait…” said Homer. “With Marge and the Kids gone… then I can watch TV!”
He rushed through the tall grass back into the house, forgetting to turn the electric lawnmower off.
Once inside, Homer plopped back down on the couch and turned the TV back on.
“Oh, Captain Monkey,” said a young woman with long blonde hair. “I wish you were President! Then all of our dreams could come true!”
“Ooh-ooh-ah, ooh-ah-ah,” said Captain Monkey.
Entranced by the TV, Homer didn’t notice the runaway lawnmower tearing up the carpet until it ran over his toes.
“OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!” shouted Homer. He jumped up and down on one foot, shouting all the while. Then with the clumsiness of a Simpson, he slipped and fell headfirst into the TV, crashing through the display.
“Ooooooh… owwwww…” Homer moaned as he collected himself (which was easy, as there wasn’t much to collect). Suddenly, a flashing light caught his attention. While the lawnmower was tearing up the kitchen, he noticed that it had revealed a flashing, strobing blue hole on the wood underneath the living room carpet. Homer inspected it with confusion.
“I don’t remember this being here. Or do I?” He pondered.
“Well look who’s come crawling back ,” said Homer’s brain.
“But I’m standing up,” said Homer, nonplussed.
“Do you want me to try and remember what that is? ” asked Homer’s brain.
“Yes, please,” said Homer.
“Let's see,” said Homer's Brain, “Food... sex... food... beer... food... sex... food... Marge... how to do number one... how to do number two... a boy and two girls... why are some guy's kids in here? Food... more food... crayon shoved up nose out of curiosity at age six... universal translator shoved up nose for Science Fair project at age thirteen... wait, it's upside down. universal translator shoved up nose for Science Fair project at age thirty one..., more food... celebrities met... guys at the bar... food... repressed memories...
...
I can't find anything ,” said Homer’s brain.
“You can't?” asked Homer.
“No ,” replied Homer’s brain.
“Well look who’s come crawling back,” said Homer.
…
More footsteps; another door slam.
Homer returned to inspecting the flashing blue hole.
“Hmmm…”
And now we come to the part where Homer demonstrates the sort of behavior that proves that he should have died years ago, in that he has the same sort of instinct for finding trouble that other humans do for avoiding it:
Homer touched the hole.
Immediately, the hole pulled on him, sucking him into an inter-dimensional portal that would lead towards hi-jinks abound. We leave you with his commentary on the event:
“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
A Homeric Epic in Equestria
Chapter the Second: The Yellow Beast
Homer fell hard onto a hard wooden floor with a loud “THUD!”
“Ohhh,” Homer moaned. “Why does everything hard hurt so much?”
He got up, made slightly more difficult than usual as his belly had made a small crater in the floor.
“Now where am I?”
“Screw you, I'm not talking to you until you listen to me, ” said his brain.
"Never!"
It was a little dark for some reason, but wherever he was, it wasn’t anywhere he’d been before. Homer stepped backwards, attempting to survey his surroundings, until his very large behind bumped into something, making him take a pratfall.
“D’OH!”
He got up, turned around, and gasped to see the most pleasing sight of his day. Underneath a counter, behind a glass case were rows and rows of cakes. There were big ones, small ones, round ones, square ones, frosted ones, multilayered ones, and jelly rolls. There were also several trays of cupcakes, all frosted and some sprinkled.
“Mmmm… cake…”
Homer reached out to take a cake, but his hand was stopped by the aforementioned layer of glass.
“Wuh?”
He tried pounding on the glass.
"So that’s the way it’s gonna be is it?” Homer asked the case rhetorically.
Homer took several steps back before charging at the case. He leapt at the case, but overshot it and the counter, and crashed into the wall on the other side, crumpling onto the floor below.
“D’ooooooh…” he moaned.
Then he noticed a handle on the glass.
“Muh?”
He pulled on it, and the case opened.
“WOOHOO!”
He immediately began feasting on the sugary delicacies within.
Pinkie Pie woke up earlier than she usually did. Whenever this happened, she always had too much energy to stay in bed, so she always got up.
Of course, she never minded this.
“Good Morning, Ponyville!!” exclaimed Pinkie as he jumped out of bed. “Wait, I can’t say ‘good morning, Ponyville’ unless everypony can hear it!” She opened up her window. “GOOD MORNING, PONYVILLE!!!” she shouted. She then closed it and cheerfully trotted downstairs while the few early risers outside massaged their ears.
She froze on the stairs when she heard someone eating.
“Mrs. Cake? Are you up early too?”
Whoever it was kept eating.
“Mr. Cake? Are you having that cake-gobbling-party-that-I-keep-asking-for-but-you-keep-on-saying-no without me?”
She went through the kitchen to the counter in the front, when a horrific sight met her eyes. A giant, yellow monster with a white shirt and blue pants was eating the store’s cakes! As it swallowed the rest of an entire four-layer double chocolate cake, it turned around to look at Pinkie with humongous, white, bug-like eyes. Pinkie Pie screamed.
“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! MONSTER!!!”
Then the monster screamed just as loud.
“MONSTER?! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!”
Soon both creatures were running and galloping around; emitting high, girlish screams. The racket woke the Cakes, who came quickly onto the scene. While in truth, both Pinkie and the beast were running around in circles, to the Cakes, it looked like Pinkie was being chased by a terrible yellow beast. They ran out of the store to get Ponyville’s top expert on never-before-seen creatures, among other numerous subjects.
Twilight Sparkle was reading a fascinating essay on economics by Silver Smith over her morning oats when the Cakes burst in unexpectedly.
“Mr. and Mrs. Cake!” exclaimed Twilight. “What’s wrong? You two look like you’ve been chased by an Ursa Major for a few miles!”
“Not quite,” said Cup Cake. “Twilight, you’ve got to get over to Sugarcube Corner! Pinkie’s being chased by some big, yellow monster!”
“We’ve never seen something like it before!” said Carrot Cake. “Celestia knows what sort of danger Pinkie’s in right now!”
“I’m on it!” said Twilight.
She ran to the door, and then stopped.
“Could you two get the rest of the girls and tell them to get to Sugarcube Corner as quickly as possible?”
“Whatever you say, Twilight!” said Cup Cake.
The three Equestrians exited the library, all running in different directions.
Twilight galloped at top speed while trying to figure out what could be attacking Pinkie.
“It couldn’t be a dragon,” she thought. “Why would they single out and attack one pony? A manticore’s coat is yellow-ish, maybe more brown though. No, if it had been anything like those, the cakes would have identified it by species. But what could it be?”
As the building came into sight, she heard screams getting steadily louder and louder as she drew near. She saw several ponies surrounding it, unable to draw especially close due to fear.
Twilight charged up to the door, busted it open, and observed what was inside. Her jaw dropped.
“Pinkie! What is that thing? Did it attack you?” asked Twilight.
Pinkie abruptly stopped screaming. “Oh, I don’t know what that weird thing is. I was sort of surprised when I saw it, so I screamed and I was like ‘AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! MONSTER!!!’” the last part which she screamed at the top of her lungs, to Twilight’s surprise and frustration. “Then I kept screaming and running around ‘cause it was so fun, like I was in a haunted house or something!”
Twilight facehoofed. “Pinkie, have you ever heard of the Colt Who Cried Wolf?”
Pinkie giggled. “It’s not a wolf, silly! In fact, I don’t even know what it is! What is it?”
“Well…”
“Ooh! Is it a giant yellow monkey from another planet?!”
“I don’t know! It shouldn't exist! It’s not in any book I've ever read!”
Suddenly, four young mares charged through the door. The rest of their friends had arrived.
“I came as fast as I…” began Rarity. Then she and the others stared at the yellow monster. She gasped. Fluttershy eeped. Both Rainbow Dash’s and Applejack’s mouths dropped.
“What in tarnation…” started Applejack.
“WHAT… IS… THAT?” said Rainbow Dash.
Meanwhile, the ape-like monster continued to scream and run around in circles.
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A Homeric Epic in Equestria
Chapter the Third: Cribbage and Smelly Hammerspace
Chapter the Third: Cribbage and Smelly Hammerspace
The six young mares stared at the creature as it continued to run about Sugarcube Corner; screaming all the while.
“Ooh!” exclaimed Pinkie Pie. “Maybe it’s an evil monster that eats ponies’ brains!”
Just as she finished the sentence, Rarity and Fluttershy screamed, while Applejack and Rainbow Dash tensed up.
“Not if we have anything to say about it!” shouted Applejack.
“Just hang on a minute,” said Twilight, “We don’t even know what that thing is!”
“Sorry, Twilight,” said Rainbow Dash, “But there’s a time for thinking, and a time for doing!”
“BUT YOU NEVER THINK!”
The cacophony grew louder as it incorporated Rainbow Dash and Twilight arguing, Applejack unsuccessfully trying to get a word in edgewise, and Fluttershy and Rarity pleading with the monster not to eat their brains.
Then suddenly…
“HEY, YOU!”
Everyone in the room became silent and looked in the direction of the voice, except for the monster, which continued to mindlessly scream in circles. There was Pinkie Pie, standing on her hind legs, her two fore legs holding a pink, frosted cupcake apiece.
“YOU CAN’T EAT MY FRIENDS’ BRAINS, SO EAT THIS!”
Pinkie Pie threw her cupcakes, which sailed right into the gullet of the beast. The yellow monster stopped screaming, gagging on the cupcakes. In a matter of seconds, it was on the floor, unmoving. The six mares slowly approached the downed creature, until their faces were right above its vast form. Twilight turned to Pinkie, who stood next to her.
“Pinkie? What did you just do?”
“I told it that it shouldn’t eat your big juicy brains, so I let it have some delicious sweet cupcakes instead! Look, I think he’s really enjoying them!
The creature wasn’t breathing.
“MMMMMMMMM!!!”
“Why isn’t it moving?” inquired Rainbow Dash.
“I hate to say this, Pinkie,” said Applejack, “But I think it choked on your cupcakes.”
“What do you mean, you hate to say that?! If Pinkie didn’t nail it with those cupcakes, it would’ve eaten our brains!”
“It isn’t just the choking that knocked it out,” said Twilight, who had begun examining the unconscious creature. From what I can gather from my observations and my copy of ‘The Theoretical Application of Emergency Medical Aid to Alien Life Forms…’”
“Wait a minute, where did you get that book?” asked Rainbow Dash, pointing at the 9” by 11” by 3” tome sitting next to Twilight.
“I carry dozens of books with me at all times that would be useful in case of an immediate emergency.”
“Dozens?” said Applejack, “Twilight, we never see you carrying that many books all day, every day.”
“Or all night, every night!” chimed in Pinkie.
“From what I can gather,” said Twilight, ignoring what the others were pointing out, “The main reason this thing fainted is because… it’s pregnant?”
“WHAT?!” they all shouted.
“Oops, silly me, I read the medical chart upside down!” said Twilight, giggling and leaving everybody confused.
“Aw!” said Pinkie Pie in disappointment, “I wanted to throw a baby shower!”
“The real reason it fainted is from… a heart attack.”
“A what?” said Rarity.
“Aw, I think it’s smitten with you, Rarity,” said Applejack.
“Is that why it was pregnant?” asked Pinkie.
Rarity screamed for a second at the horrific prospect, causing Rainbow Dash to fall down in a fit of laughter.
“No, no,” said Twilight, “It’s got nothing to do with love. It’s when your veins don’t pump enough blood to the heart, and heart muscles die or get damaged. It can be deadly!”
“Can it happen to,” Rarity gulped, “Ponies?”
“Yes, but it’s unbelievably rare since it’s a sudden symptom of heart disease, which is incredibly uncommon in Equestria. You have to be incredibly unhealthy to have a heart attack, and usually very old.”
There was a pause of several seconds before Fluttershy asked, with genuine concern in her voice, “Will it be okay?”
“I don’t know,” said Twilight. “We’d better get it over to the Hospital.”
The six mares tried in vain to lift the portly being, but even without the help of 45 pounds of Sugarcube Corner’s best cakes and confections, it would have been an impossible job. Homer Simpson’s weight comprises of the two-hundred-and-thirty heaviest pounds in existence.
“Why don’t we run back to Sweet Apple Acres and grab some rope?” asked Applejack, after they had failed for the seventh heave-ho, “Come to think of it, as long as we’re there, we could get Big Mac to help us!”
“Sounds like a good idea!” said Twilight, “But one of us should stay here and keep an eye on it.”
“I will,” volunteered Fluttershy.
“Then it’s settled,” said Twilight. “Okay, see you in a bit!”
The five other mares trotted out of Sugarcube Corner, while Fluttershy continued to sit next to the yellow creature.
“You poor thing,” said Fluttershy, patting its round, smooth head. “How could something as helpless as you ever eat our brains?
Suddenly, something caught her eye that caused her heart to skip a beat. Beads of drool were seeping out of the creature’s mouth, despite its lack of consciousness. She could even hear a faint gurgling sound as the drool steadily increased in volume.
“You don’t want to eat my brains… do you?” she squeaked.
“MMMMMM… PINK FROSTING…”
Even a block away, the group of mares could hear Fluttershy’s terrible shriek, causing them to change direction immediately and return from whence they came without a word. They burst back into Sugarcube corner, just as Fluttershy was backing away, shaking in fright, from the monster, now on its feet, which was sporting the most shocking, horrific, vacant stare that anypony had ever seen.
“Please don’t eat my brains, Mr. Monster,” Fluttershy pleaded in what was barely more than a whisper, “I don’t even know if they would taste very good.”
The five mares prepared to attack the creature to defend the defenseless Fluttershy, when suddenly…
“Okay,” said the monster.
You could hear a pin drop after the monster spoke. Silence reigned for about a minute until Twilight Sparkle finally spoke up.
“You can talk?” she asked.
The monster turned around. Then it spoke.
“Are you a talking horse?”
“Actually, I’m a pony; a unicorn, to be specific.”
“Huh. That is very interesting.”
“Thanks…”
“Wait… I’m not drunk, am I?”
“No, I don’t think you’re…”
“Oh my god, what do I do?” thought Homer. “I’m inside a bakery with talking horses! What was Dad’s advice for this situation?”
“Now Homer,” said Abe, “If you ever find yourself inside a bakery with talking horses, never challenge them to a game of cribbage. They’re dirty players. I challenged Seabiscuit to a hot game in ’29. It was during the Blitz, and since we were playing outside, we had to wear little iceboxes on our head to protect us from the radiation. To keep warm beneath the iceboxes, we drank warm molasses cola and munched on hot coals, fresh from the Spirit of St. Louis. Now where was I? Oh, yeah; the game continued for a score of fortnights, and I’ve would’ve beaten him and got the money to pay off old man Pullman, but the filthy cheater had an extra Twelve of Queens up his nose, and play it he did. He walked away with my life savings of fifty-two-and-a-half cents and my childhood sweetheart, Eleanor Roosevelt. We had met in Hollywood, when railroad pictures were all the rage…"
“Why can’t I shut you up in my own head?!” thought Homer furiously.
“…so remember to never tell them your name, because those Huns will poke you something fierce with their schnitzel sticks.”
“Okay, all I have to do is keep quiet,” thought Homer. “Don’t tell them your name. Don’t tell them your name. Don’t tell them your name. Don’t tell them your name. Don’t tell them your…”
“What’s your name?” asked Twilight Sparkle.
“Homer Simpson.”
…
“D’oh!”
“Pleased to meet you, Mr. Simpson,” said Twilight, extending a hoof.
“Oh, did I say Homer Simpson? I meant to say… uh… Omar… Sampson!”
“But you just said…”
“My name’s definitely not Homer Simpson. Bye!”
Homer began to nervously walk towards the door of Sugarcube Corner.
“Wait, Mr. Simpson… Sampson… whatever! You just had a heart attack! You need medical attention!”
“Oh, please,” said Homer. “Nothing’s ever stopped Homer Simpson from going where he’s got to go!”
Homer hit his head on the arch of the doorway, knocking himself out.
Twilight sighed. “Let’s go back to Sweet Apple Acres and get that rope.”
“Let me help you get your books!”
“Thanks, Pinkie,” said Twilight.
Twilight pondered the first interactions with the creature, as Pinkie Pie put her books away to the other ponies’ shock and disgust.
Author's Note
I'm back with a new chapter, the longest yet!
Four words: THE CLICK OF DEATH.
I haven't recovered my data yet, but I realized that since I only typed out a couple hundred words, waiting any longer to get it back wasn't worth it, so I began the chapter again. I though it turned out magnificently, and I hope you think so, too!
A Homeric Epic in Equestria
Chapter the Fourth: War of the Apples
Homer woke up in his bed the next morning.
“I’m home,” he observed. “But how did I get back from that cake shop with all of the horses?”
He thought about it for a moment. He would have thought it was just a dream, but if that was a dream, then all of the good things that happened before he woke up were also just dreams, like when he went to Candyland with Krusty and Duffman, and that made him sad.
Homer isn’t the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, so it took him awhile to realize he wasn’t alone in the bedroom. But eventually…
“Huh? Kids!”
His children surrounded his bed, smiling at him.
“I missed you all! Bart! Lisa! Maggie! Selma! AHHH!”
He shrieked when he realized that his sister-in-law and brief stepmother was also at his bedside.
“Hello, Homer,” rasped the ugliest woman to get married six or seven or eight times.
“What d-do you want from m-me, you h-h-h-hag?” He barely managed to say.
“Nothing.”
Homer breathed a sigh of relief.
“…except to congratulate me and Bart on our wedding.”
“AHHHHHHHHH!”
She thrust both of her hands at Homer. Her left hand sported a diamond ring, while the other held Bart’s left hand, which also had a diamond ring on it.
“No!” said Homer. “This can’t be true! This is impossible!”
“Bart and I love each other very much; don’t we, dear?”
“Yup,” Bart answered.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” Homer shouted. “You she-devil! How could you do this to my family?!”
“Because Bart loves me,” said Selma.
“A hell of a lot more than you, Dad.” Added Bart.
“WHY YOU LITTLE…” Homer began choking the boy with a passion he’d never had before.
“GACKLKKLAGHLKGLAKHACKLAHACKAGAKAKAKKGHK!” said Bart.
All of a sudden, Lisa and Maggie flew at Homer and swallowed each of his hands, biting down on his wrists.
“OWWW!”
Homer jumped out of bed in response to the pain. He saw Bart running out the door and Selma trying to get out of the bedroom on her hands and knees. He closed the door ahead of her with his right hand, covered by Maggie. He looked down at the trapped, helpless, but still ugly Selma.
“There’s no escape for you now,” said Homer with a trembling sadistic rage. “You will never relate to my family through marriage ever again! Except through Marge! But it won’t matter because you’ll be dead!”
He prepared to kick Selma to death when Maggie started kicking him quite hard for a one-year-old.
“Maggie, let daddy kill your bad auntie. You’ll understand when your husband tries to kill Lisa someday.”
Then Lisa delivered a furious kick to Homer’s gonads.
“OWWWWWWW!!”
Homer eyes winced in pain. When they gradually blinked back open, the scene had completely changed. Now he was in an unfamiliar bedroom in a farmhouse, towering over a little old lady. Who wasn’t a lady. She was a green pony. Biting down on his wrists were a young, orange mare and a little yellow filly with a bright red mane.
“Hz hnn tssts rss dn sr mlk!” Said the yellow filly.
“Cnt her uh! Hs hn iz lkk buhgmm dsh mwy aha mwen yes od!” Said the orange mare.
The old green mare (though she ain’t what she used to be) had been cowering beneath the rampaging yellow hulk, but realized that Homer had stopped moving. She grabbed her granddaughters by the tails and yanked them off of his hands. Homer yelped as the ponies’ jaws were ripped from his wrists. Applejack and Applebloom fell onto the floor in front of Granny Smith. Applejack began rubbing her flank, while Applebloom spat up a storm.
“Oww…” said Applejack “Did you have to pull so hard on us, Granny?”
“Pbth! Puh! Splbth! Those were the worst hooves I ever tasted!” Said Applebloom.
“Really? With all the times you’ve put your hoof in your mouth?” Applejack very half-heartedly teased.
Applebloom looked at Applejack, stuck her tongue out and pointed her hoof at it.
“All right now, Mr. Simpson,” said Applejack as she stood up to face him from about half of his height.
“AHH! How do you know my name?!”
Applejack blinked. “If you’re gonna be making more trouble like what you’ve just done, you ain’t welcome on this farm!
“Pfft, you can’t scare me. I know my rights!” Said Homer.
The tension shot sky high as they stared each other down.
“What are my rights?” Asked Homer cluelessly.
“YOU GOT THE RIGHT TO LEAVE THIS BUCKING FARMHOUSE BEFORE I KICK YOUR FLANK FROM HERE TO APPLEOOSA!” Screamed Applejack.
“Sis…” started Applebloom.
“SHUT IT, APPLEBLOOM!”
Applejack caught the little filly severely off guard. She had never talked that way to her little sister before. But it had been a long time since she had been this angry… or since she had so many tears in her eyes.
“YOU MONSTER! YOU WERE GONNA LEAVE APPLEBLOOM WITHOUT A GRANNY AND A BIG BROTHER! AS IF WE HADN’T HAD ENOUGH HARDSHIPS AROUND HERE!”
There was a pause as Applejack started gasping with sobs, then just as quickly suppressed them.
“Sis?”
“Did you even realize what you were doing?!” Applejack said with a quiet fury.
“What?” asked Homer.
“YOU WERE KICKIN' THE SPIT OUT OF GRANNY SMITH! YOU CHOKED BIG MAC!”
“WHAT?!” Homer shouted in terror.
“I SAID..." she paused, "I-I said you nearly choked Big Mac!…” Applejack said, confused by the sudden change that had come over Homer,
“NO! I couldn’t have!” Homer said in alarm. “His neck is so big! My hands can’t even fit around…” He looked around the room in panic. “This lamp!” He said, pointing to a lamp almost as tall as he was.
He attempted to grasp the thin lamp with his two hands… easily.
“Ah!”
He grasped it with a single hand… no problem.
“AH!”
He took his ring finger and his pinkie, and placed them on either side of the lamp, dividing them so that only Mr. Fantastic could perform such a feat as enclosing the lamp’s body with just those two fingers.
His fingers enclosed around the lamp.
“AHHH!”
He stumbled backward into a pratfall.
“I couldn’t have done it!”
“Mr. Simpson?” said Applejack.
“I would never do it!”
“Mr. Simpson, I…”
“BUT I DID!” Cried Homer. “I ALMOST TOOK A LIFE!”
Homer ran out of the room weeping, leaving the three mares agape. There was a minute of silence before Applejack spoke up.
“Applebloom… I’m sorry I shouted at you. Could you help up Granny Smith?”
“Okay,” said Applebloom softly.
Applejack left the bedroom and walked outside into the rays of Celestia’s rising sun, taking her thoughts with her. The creature called “Homer Simpson” didn’t seem to know what he was doing, and he seemed genuinely upset over what he’d done. But this didn’t concern her as much as the fears that his bout of misdirected rage had brought to the surface. In the many years since her parents had gone, she’d never imagined losing anypony else in the family. Yet in her nightmares they were there and then they were not; and afterwards she felt miserable and alone.
She looked around and spotted Homer. He was kneeling on the grass with his eyes closed and hands folded. He was murmuring something to himself. Applejack trotted over to see what he was doing.
*A minute earlier*
“Oh, Ronald,” said Homer. “Please forgive me for assaulting Officer Big Mac. I never meant to strangle him, but I got really angry when I was asleep, and you know how that is. But the talking horse who sounds like George Bush said he’s alive, and I’m really glad about that. Ronald bless everyone in McDonaldland… except for Hamburglar, since he steals hamburgers… and Grimace, because he’s scary… and Birdie, since she doesn’t bring breakfast at lunch or dinnertime… and Mayor McCheese, who won’t get my vote until he promises to serve the Shamrock Shake, the McRib, and the Whopper all year round… actually, screw everyone in McDonaldland, but tell Big Mac I’m sorry. Amen.
“Mr. Simpson?”
Applejack trotted over to where Homer was praying
“Call me Homer,” he said.
“Homer,” said Applejack, “You didn’t mean to do what you just did, did you?”
“Actually, I don’t really mean to do most of what I do. Things always end up how I don’t want them to, which is really confusing, like when I meant to buy a cool hat, but ended up drunk and getting Marge pregnant instead for some reason. I wish I had a hat.”
Applejack found talking to Homer very weird, like a cross between Big Mac’s slowness and Pinkie Pie’s randomness.
“You really scared us in there,” said Applejack.
“I’m hungry,” said Homer.
“What?!”
“Ooh!”
Homer spotted the beginning of the groves of the apple farm. He ran over and plucked an apple from the nearest tree. He began munching on it in satisfaction.
“Why?! But we... I… Augh!!!”
Her half-formed protests did nothing to deter Homer’s appetite.
“How can you be thinking about food after what just happened?!”
He stared at her. “Because I’m hungry now,” he said matter-of-factly.
“What about what you just did?!”
…
“But I’m hungry now.”
He continued to munch on the apple.
“Hey Sis!”
Applejack looked around and saw Applebloom galloping towards her ahead of Big Macintosh and Granny Smith. Applebloom stopped right in front of her and looked her straight in the eyes.
“Is everything going to be okay now?”
Applejack looked back at Homer, now on his fourth apple. Then she looked back at Applebloom. She hugged her.
“I think so, sugarcube.”
“What about that yellow monster?”
“He ain’t going to be hurting anypony else. He’s really sorry what he’s done. Isn’t that right?” She asked.
Homer continued munching on his tenth apple.
“Homer?” said Applejack a bit more seriously.
“Huh? Oh, sure!”
“Do you promise?” Asked Applebloom.
“Can’t talk, eating.”
Applebloom looked at Applejack nervously.
“I’m sure he means yes, sugarcube.” Applejack looked equally nervous.
An approaching sound of galloping hooves heralded the arrival of Applejack’s friends.
“Hey, Applejack!” Yelled Rainbow Dash, “Why didn’t you tell us it was awake?”
“Oh my goodness!” Shouted Rarity as she pointed at Homer, “It’s eating Applejack’s livelihood!”
“WHAT?!” Everyone chorused (Except Homer, who was moving on to a second tree).
“The apples! It’s eating her family’s apples!”
Everyone stared at Rarity.
“Why didn’t you just say ‘It’s eating the apples’?” inquired Rainbow Dash.
“It’s eating a lot of apples…” said Rarity.
“Yeah, but for a moment we thought you said that he was eating her alive."
“That’s a terrible thing to say!” said Pinkie scoldingly. “Thanks for not saying it!” She added cheerfully.
“Actually, that is quite a lot of apples he’s eating,” said Applejack, putting her hoof to her chin nervously. “Hey, Homer! Don’t you think you’ve had enough to eat?”
Homer had only a limited amount of programmed responses to this question:
Reply, Continue EatingReply, Continue Eating Reply, Continue Eating Reply, Continue Eating Mahna, Mahna
“Never!” thundered Homer defiantly. Then he went back to calmly eating apples off of the tree.
“He’s gonna eat the entire orchard by noon at this rate!” exclaimed Applejack.
“What are we going to do?!” Cried Fluttershy in distress.
“What are we going to do?!” Shouted Rainbow Dash determinedly.
“What if he eats my dresses?!” Shrieked Rarity.
“Will you all calm down?” Asked Twilight exasperatedly. “Pinkie Pie? What are you muttering?”
Pinkie Pie was a distance away from everyone else, muttering…
…to a cupcake.
“I know ya wanted out of da business…”
The cupcake said nothing.
“I know ya wanted to spend some quality time with da wife and kids before ya cashed in yer chips…”
The cupcake said nothing.
“I know ya called it quits, but you’ve gotta do this last job.”
The cupcake said nothing.
“Ya may not come out of it alive, but it’s a risk we’re willing to take…”
The cupcake said nothing.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t get ya off da hook…”
The cupcake said nothing.
“But remember that this was all strictly business…”
The cupcake said nothing.
“Don’t make this any harder for me than it already is…”
“…I love you,” said the cupcake.
“We’ll always have Prance, kid,” said Pinkie. “Hey, Omar!”
Homer turned his head just as he picked an apple off of his sixth tree. “Huh?”
“If you stop eating apples, I’ll give you this cupcake!” She held it up for all to see.
“Okay!” Replied Homer, who gleefully ran over to snatch the cupcake out of Pinkie Pie’s hoof (“Yoink!”) and wolf it down (“Om nom nom nom!”).
“Good work, Pinkie Pie,” said Twilight.
“But was it really worth it boss?” Asked Pinkie Pie grimly. “Was it really worth it?”
…
“Yes?” Replied Twilight confusedly.
“Yeah, you’re right!” agreed Pinkie Pie, once again cheerful.
“Well, Homer, I’m thrilled to tell you that you’ve been invited to Canterlot Castle today by Princess Celestia and Princess Luna!” Said
Twilight, though she was not quite as thrilled as she acted.
“I don’t know…” said Homer cautiously. “Will there be food?”
“Snacks and beverages are readily available at all times, and a sumptuous banquet shall be served this evening at sunset!”
“Will there be food?”
“I… just told you that there would be plenty to eat and drink…”
“But will there be food?” Pried Homer.
Twilight finally got the gist.
“Yes. There. Will. Be. Food.”
“Then it’s go time…” said Homer.
Author's Note
That was kind of all over the place. I'm at least confident that it's better than Yellow Subterfuge.
*shudders*
It takes a certain lack of talent to be able to come up with Jamaican Krusty and Itchem and Scratchem.
No-prize to whoever can guess what Applejack and Applebloom were trying to say.
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A Homeric Epic in Equestria
Chapter the Fifth: Fatty on the Friendship Express
*Clickety-Clackety-Clickety-Clackety-CHOO-CHOO-Clickety-Clackety-Clickety-Clackety!*
The Friendship Express chugged along the tracks towards the city of Canterlot. Homer Simpson snoozed in the caboose while the Elements of Harmony were gathered around a table in a private passenger car to discuss important business.
“…and that’s why nopony exists outside of their own thoughts!” concluded Pinkie Pie. “Want to hear more, Rarity?”
“Pinkie, you can’t go around explaining to ponies that they don’t exist,” resented Twilight as she comforted the nearly comatose Rarity. “If you do that, they won’t continue with their pointless lives. I mean, productive lives. Besides, we have to figure out how to deal with Homer! How can we get him to behave in front of the princesses?”
“He sleeps more than Rainbow Dash and eats more than Pinkie Pie!” said Applejack. “What the hay can we do about that?”
“Well, from my observations so far, even though he’s intelligent he doesn’t seem to be very… intelligent. What I mean is that he appears very simpleminded, so maybe we can use simple methods to ensure the visit goes smoothly.
“I sort of see what you mean,” said Fluttershy, “Even though I understand most of the animals, they don’t always understand me, so I make friends with them by giving them food.”
“That’s really nice, Fluttershy,” said Rainbow Dash, “but giving more food to that thing with the black hole of stomachs that tried to put the Cakes and Apples out of business? Not a great plan.”
“It may be our only plan,” expounded Twilight.
“I’m with Dash, Twi,” said Applejack, “There’s not much we can give it that it wouldn’t just take anyways.”
“What if it tries to eat my jewels?!” Rarity asked Twilight. “I’d be ruined! It would be worse than the time Spike drank your endless hunger potion to try and gain weight!”
“We don’t even know if it eats jewels, Rarity,” said Twilight. “Look, we’re all worried about how the Princesses will receive him, and I think the only way to make this work is if we talk to him.”
They all sighed in surrender.
“I’ll go get him,” said Fluttershy.
“Are you sure?” asked Twilight.
“Remember what happened the last time you volunteered to be alone with him?” reminded Applejack.
“Oh, but now I know that he won’t eat my brains, and I really want to try connecting with him.”
“I don’t think he ever denied that he would eat our brains,” said Rainbow Dash as Fluttershy trotted back towards the caboose.
When she got there, she gently peeked in through the car’s door.
“Mr. Simpson? Are you still asleep?”
She got confirmation before she finished speaking. Homer was sleeping peacefully on a bed far too small for him.
“Aww…”
Even when it came to such a fearsome creature as Homer Jay Simpson, Fluttershy could never resist any sort of sleeping critter. Even if said critter was six feet tall, drooling, snoring and mumbling obnoxiously loud, had his left hand hanging off of the bed and his right hand on his crotch, and might not be adverse to eating pony brains.
“Snnnnnggggghhhhh… Marge…”
“There, there,” said Fluttershy, rubbing Homer’s belly gently.
“Oh, Marge, not so fast, I haven’t even got it up yet…”
“What?”
Suddenly, Homer pulled her close to his face. “Well,” he said, “if you insist…”
“Er, I’m sorry Mr. Simpson,” said Fluttershy, as she started to become quite panicked as her mouth became closer to his fuzzy lips, “I don’t know what you’re talking about!”
Then their lips locked together as Homer’s tongue ventured into Fluttershy’s throat…
“GYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH-HAKYYAAAK!”
Fluttershy shrieked and choked on the unexpected kiss from the sleeping duff, waking him up.
“HUH-WUH?!”
Homer sat up with his and Fluttershy’s lips still locked.
“EAYAUGH! PBTH! I KISSED A HORSE!”
About a mile ahead, two ponies were walking alongside the tracks, a unicorn and an earth pony.
“I can’t believe I blew it,” said the yellow-cream unicorn stallion miserably, “The chance of a lifetime… entering the Ponyville Donut Ring Toss for a chance at fame and fortune, and I couldn’t even make the shortlist.”
A peach-colored mare with a sleek golden mane and an eyeball cutie mark nuzzled him. “You tried your hardest. You took a shot at your dream, and now you can go home with pride, closure, and a new marefriend.”
“I haven’t got a mare…” started Donut Joe, but he stopped as the pretty young mare gazed blissfully into his eyes.
“I love you, Joe.”
“I love you too, Brighty.”
She closed her magnificently bewitching blue eyes and they leaned together to kiss, when suddenly, Joe broke off and galloped ahead saying, “Watch out for the train!”
The mare’s eyes shot open to watch the train speed past her face just inches away, paralyzing her on the spot.
Joe sighed with relief that she wasn’t in the way.
Suddenly, a pink blob of goo splashed into her face.
She screamed. “NO! MY EYES! MY BEAUTIFUL EYES! AUGH!!!”
“NO!! BRIGHTY!!” shouted Joe.
Back on the train, Homer wiped the remainder of the puked frosting off of his face.
“Mr. Simpson, are you okay?” asked Fluttershy.
“Eauaeghueaeugh…”
“You must have an upset tummy.”
Fluttershy began rubbing his belly again, but this time she concentrated hard as she rubbed, massaging the organ that had just disgorged an enormous pink mess. She continued massaging Homer’s stomach until he “AHHH’d” in relief, having gotten over his bout of nausea.
“There, how does that feel?” asked Fluttershy.
“Much better,” said Homer.
“Umm, Mr. Simpson, me and my friends would like to talk to you up in the next car.”
“Aww! But I was dreaming about sleeping!”
“Please, Mr. Simpson?”
“Oh, alright, but I’m not very good at that thing you do with your ears.”
“Listening?”
“I’m sorry, I was looking at my hands, what were you saying?”
Homer and Fluttershy made their way back to the others. With Fluttershy’s return, the table was full again.
“Do you want to sit down?” Twilight asked tentatively.
“Where’s the hay is he gonna sit?” asked Applejack.
“He can sit on me!”
Pinkie Pie appeared from nowhere behind Homer.
“PINKIE PIE, NO!” shouted Twilight.
But it was too late. Homer sat, squishing Pinkie Pie with his enormous ass.
Everyone in the room was frozen with fear, except Homer, who was frozen with gas.
*PRRRRRRRRRRRRT!*
“Much better,” said Homer.
“GET OFF OF HER, YOU DOLT!” screamed Twilight.
“Oh!”
Homer obeyed in a flash when he realized “his chair” was crushed. Pinkie Pie twitched unconsciously as her friends and Homer gathered around her.
“Pinkie Pie…” said Applejack.
“Say something, darling!” pleaded Rarity.
“Pearly… white…” muttered Pinkie, her eyes still shut.
“WAKE UP, PINKS!” exploded Rainbow Dash, violently shaking Pinkie’s limp body.
“W-w-w-w-wee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee!”
Rainbow stopped shaking Pinkie as soon as she realized that she had assumed consciousness.
“Aww, keep going Dashie!”
“Are you okay, Pinkie?” asked Applejack.
“Neeeeeeeeever better! I just had the weirdest dream! There was a party in the clouds, and there was a stallion with a big white beard who was making sure none of the naughty ponies got in and then this stallion with a long brown mane and a beard who called me his child came out of the party and said that it “wasn’t time" yet! I guess they were still setting up or something! I hope I can go back REAL soon!”
Silence fell temporarily.
“Pinkie,” said Rainbow Dash, “Pinkie Promise that you’ll never try to be a chair again.”
“I’m sorry, Dash,” said Pinkie softly, “But I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“Then at least promise you won’t be its chair again,” said Dash, pointing at Homer.
“I can live with that!” said Pinkie Pie.
She made the gestures and spoke the words.
“Okay,” said Twilight, “Now we need to figure out how to seat you,” she told Homer.
“Let’s start by getting some things straight,” said Twilight. “Is your name Homer Simpson?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Are you from an alternate dimension?”
“Yes.”
“Has your species mastered interdimensional travel?”
“Yes.”
“Are you a being of great influence in your dimension?”
“Yes.”
“Am I holding up five fingers?”
“Yes.”
“Hah! I don’t have fingers! That means that you’re not paying attention!”
“Yes.”
“Pay attention!”
“Yes.”
“STOP SAYING ‘YES’!!!”
“Okay…” said Homer meekly.
“Homer,” said Twilight as she shook her head, “If we’re going to make any progress you have to pay attention to what we’re saying. Do you understand?”
“Yes.”
“Do you not understand?”
“Uhhh… maybe?”
“Good enough,” said Twilight, as she telekinetically pulled out a clipboard and a pencil. “Now, where are you from?”
“I’m from Springfield!” he said with pride.
“Where is that?”
“I don’t know,” he said distraught.
“Is Springfield the name of the country you live in?”
“No. The country’s called The USA.”
“USA? What does that stand for?”
“WHAT DOES IT STAND FOR?” asked Homer loudly. He stood up on the table. “It stands for freedom! For passion! For awesome! It stands for the little guy, like me!”
“Little?!” said Rarity.
“It stands for a place where you can do whatever the hell you want! It stands for a place that doesn’t care what you weigh…” he said mockingly, “…or what your intelligence quotient is…” he said with utter disdain, “It’s where every man’s dream can true as long as they’re exactly like me.”
They all stared at Homer.
“I thought it stood for Über Sugary Axtravaganza!” said Pinkie Pie.
“You mean ‘Extravaganza’,” said Twilight.
“Not if there’s an ‘Ax’ in it!” said Pinkie.
Everyone cringed.
Suddenly, the train screeched to a halt. The conductor entered the car.
“We’ve arrived in Canterlot!”
“Shoot!” said Twilight. “We barely have any time left to prepare for their Highnesses! We’ll have to continue talking along the way!”
“You do that,” said Homer as he walked ahead towards the train doors.
“Wait! We need to talk!”
“Why do you need me to talk to?” whined Homer. “Why don’t you talk with your friends, Lisa?”
“What?” Twilight said confusedly.
Homer disappeared from view as he stepped outside. Within the next sixty seconds there were frantic screams, followed by stampeding sounds, followed by silence.
“Let’s go get him,” said Twilight.
“Or…” said Rainbow, “…we could say that we tried the best we could, but he escaped and there’s nothing anypony can do about it, and that they can keep him if they manage to find him.”
Twilight glared at her.
“It’s a suggestion!”
“Let’s go look for him,” said Twilight.
They left the train. The platform had been cleared of all life, pony and non-pony. Luggage was left strewn about from the panic that Homer had incited. They went into town to find more empty streets. They gathered by a fountain circle in the middle of town.
“Okay, we’ve got to find him ASAP, we’re due at the palace in half-an-hour. Applejack and Rarity will search South, Rainbow Dash will fly East, Pinkie will search West, and Fluttershy and I will go North. Any questions?”
“Could I have a fried egg?” asked Pinkie Pie.
“What do we do when we find him?” asked Applejack.
We meet back here, give him a talking to, then head for the castle,” said Twilight.
“What if we can’t find him?” asked Fluttershy anxiously.
“It shouldn’t be hard to find him,” said Twilight frustratedly, “He’s big, he’s fat, he’s smelly, and he’s dumb; how hard could it be?”
“Not very…” said Rainbow Dash, looking behind Twilight.
Twilight spun around to find Homer with tears welling in his eyes.
“You think I’m dumb?” he said in an unnaturally high pitched voice.
“No, no!” said Twilight quickly, “I think you’re very smart in your own, special, way!”
“Oh, thank you!” said Homer joyfully.
Nobody could help staring when he crushed Twilight with a hug.
“Okay…” wheezed Twilight, “Let’s go to the palace!”
Homer let her go, then they started off.
“By the way,” said Twilight, “What were you doing without us?”
“Well…” started Homer…
This was a new low for Donut Joe. He had been laughed out of the most prestigious Donut-tossing event in Equestria, and now his would-be marefriend would be blind for the rest of her life. Also she dumped him.
“At least I’ve still got my Donut Shop,” he said as he walked through the front door. He went into the refrigerated backroom and grabbed the big bag of dough. “Now to make some dough…”
He opened the bag to find it empty.
“…NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTS!!!”
Author's Note
Just finished this late last night, about 3 AM US Central Time. Hang on to your stocking caps! I'm going to do my first FIMFiction blogpost today about some ideas I got just last night!
Happy Hearthswarming everypony, but more importantly,
HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYBODY!
Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! ^o^
(Also a belated Thanksgivukkah) ^-^
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A Homeric Epic in Equestria
Chapter the Sixth: Pridefully Pretentious Prejudiceness
It was late afternoon by the time they made it to the castle entrance.
“I can’t believe I’m really going to meet Superman!” Homer cried in delight.
“You’re meeting the Princesses!” Twilight reminded him.
“But this is Superman’s Fortress of Solitaire!”
After a moment of confuzzlement, Twilight sighed before knocking on the portcullis. Just to the left, a window opened up for an odd looking green unicorn with a brown mustache.
“We’re closed,” he said. “Come back tomorrow.”
“What do you mean, closed?!” said Twilight incredulously, “We’re here to see the Princesses!”
“Sorry, little filly,” said the green unicorn, “Not nopony no how can see the princesses today!” He slammed the window shut behind him.
“This is new,” said Applejack dryly.
Twilight groaned. “Well, we can’t get in unless we’re let in. We’ll try again later. If he's still here, we’ll try again tomorrow. Let’s go to the hotel and see if they aren’t booked for tonight.”
As soon as she said “hotel,” the unicorn behind the window, who had reopened the window to eavesdrop, started weeping.
“You don’t mean Hotel Canterlot, do you?” he sobbed.
“Yes…” started Twilight.
“Oh, woes betide you! My sister stayed there once! Five months later, she contracted lice!”
Rarity screamed and fainted.
“My cousin stayed there once, too! She ordered a Hot Chocolate in the restaurant, and then went up to her room! She came down an hour later, and it was cold!” he wailed.
“That’s so sad!” said Homer, wiping a tear out of his eye.
“Of course it’ll be cold if you leave it for an hour!” said Twilight.
“Not if you pee in it!” said Pinkie Pie.
“Huh?!”
“I said ‘not if you put tea in it!’”
“Oh…”
“But it’s not nearly as sweet nectar…” she said while drooling maniacally.
“What?”
“You know! It wouldn’t be nearly as sweet if you put tea in it!”
“Right…”
“URINE!”
“WHAT THE...?!”
“You’re in, Twilight!”
Twilight looked around. She was indeed past the gate.
“This mare told me that you’re the Elements of Harmony,” the unicorn said pointing at Fluttershy. “Why didn’t you say so in the first place?”
“You know, why didn’t you say so in the first place?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“GAH!” shouted Twilight in frustration.
“Well,” said the green stallion, “if you’re the Elements of Harmony, then it’s a pony of a different color! You can all come in! And you can bring your smelly yellow friend, too!”
“Hey, who’re you calling smelly?” said Homer. “At Moe’s, Lenny and Carl say I smell tolerable at best! AT BEST!”
“Nevermind him, Homer!” said Twilight. We’re already running late, so let’s hurry…”
When she turned around, her jaw dropped. The castle and grounds had undergone an astonishing change.
“When he said pony of a different color…” Applejack said before trailing off.
“WOW!” said Homer. “I’m going to meet Superman and Kermit the Frog!”
Castle Canterlot and everything inside the castle walls had been turned into shades of green, including a few guards, who stood steadfast, if slightly disoriented.
Who or what could have done this? A green paint monster?! A green smoke monster?! A giant green robot…
“Discord!” said Twilight.
…
Does seem like an obvious suspect in hindsight.
“Won’t he ever quit it with these childish tricks?! Where is he?! We’ve got to get him to straighten this out!”
“Oh, he’s probably asleep right now,” said Fluttershy, “he usually has a nap around this time of the day. He calls them siestas.”
“Where does he sleep?!”
“Do we have to go look for him now?” complained Rainbow Dash, “I just want to go inside and let my mane down.”
“I agree,” said Applejack, “Besides, it’s not too serious trouble that he’s caused; I’ll bet it’s nothing the Princesses can’t handle.
“Well, alright,” relented Twilight. “But I’d better go in and make sure that everything’s alright before we introduce Homer and the Princesses.”
Twilight trotted inside the castle and closed the door behind her.
“Ohhhhhhh…” said Homer impatiently, “When am I going to meet Batman?”
“You’re not meeting anypony called Batman!” said Rarity, “You’re being allowed the privilege of meeting the Princesses of Equestria!”
“The Princesses of what now?”
“Might I also say that you hardly seem fit to be allowed such a privilege? You’re boorish, disgusting, rude, violent, and you couldn’t even figure out who you were meeting with until now, even though we’ve all told you a dozen times!”
“Of course I know who I’m going to meet,” said Homer dismissively. “It’s Spiderman, right?”
He was met only with a glare.
“The Pope?”
…
“The President?
…
“The Queen of France?”
…
“The Jolly Green Giant?”
“CELESTIA AND LUNA! YOU’RE MEETING CELESTIA AND LUNA! THE PRINCESSES OF ALL EQUESTRIA!!”
“Please calm down, Rarity,” Fluttershy said anxiously. “He’s trying his best.”
“His best might not be good enough, Fluttershy,” said Applejack.
“Yeah,” said Rainbow, “He’ll probably strangle the Princesses, eat all of the food in the castle, then run into town to do more! Lather. Rinse. Repeat. That is totally UN-awesome.”
Homer looked more and more dejected as they continued talking.
“Look, Fluttershy,” said Rarity, “We’re all agreed that such an animalistic brute can’t have a proper meeting with the Princesses in his current state.”
“I… I guess so…” said Fluttershy.
“Marvelous,” said Rarity, “Then we’ll tell Twilight that we simply must postpone this occasion until this creature can behave itself.”
“We don’t have to do that!” said Pinkie Pie.
“What do you suggest, Pinkie?” asked Applejack cautiously.
“Fluttershy, could you try talking to it?” asked Pinkie Pie.
“I don’t know, I…”
“Ooh! Me! I will!” And with her most confident of smiles, she hopped over to where Homer was sitting and moping. “Hey, there frowny drooper party pooper! Turn your frown upside down!”
“Okay,” said Homer gloomily. He stood himself on his head and continued to sulk. This didn’t faze Pinkie Pie.
“No, silly! I mean SMILE! Like this!” She grinned a huge grin.
“Why should I? Everyone thinks I’m stupid. Look! There’s stupid Homer! He’s so stupid! We’re way less stupid than he is! Because he’s stupid! Haven’t you heard? He’s so stupid! He doesn’t deserve to meet Batman, because Batman’s a jillion times smarter than him!
“Don’t be a grumpy goose! Be a glad goose! HONK!”
“Huh?”
“Since when is being stupid a bad thing? Even Twilight is stupid sometimes, and she’s the smartest pony I know! Except for Happy Days, the voice in my brain! He’s the smartest pony I know! Except for Einstone, my first pet rock! He was the smartest pony I know!”
“But I always mess up every important thing I do!”
“Then all you really need,” said Pinkie, “Is some confidence!”
“Where do I get some?”
“You can have one of my lucky things! Lots of ponies have lucky items, but I figured out that if you make everything you have lucky, you’ll be superduperalleyooperLUCKY!”
“GIMMEGIMMEGIMME!” said Homer whilst dancing on the spot.
“Hmm…” Pinkie Pie dug into the ground and uncovered her lucky umbrella. “Nope.” She went through her tail and found her lucky goldfish bowl. “Nah.” She continued in this fashion until, while digging around in her left ear, she found it. “Here it is!” She pulled out a fine black silk top hat, shook off some of the earwax, and gave it to Homer.
He gasped before plucking it from Fluttershy’s hooves. “You’re giving it to me?”
She nodded vigorously “Try it on!”
“But I don’t know if I’m smart or important enough to wear it!”
“Try it on!” she repeated.
There must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found. For when he placed it upon his head… the hat began to sing.
“You are cowardly, lazy, nitwitted and unambitious, plus you’re incredibly unattractive to boot! But you’re an American! You’re the most important person I’ve ever moot!”
“WOOHOO!” whooped Homer, “I’m important! Thank you, cupcake thing!”
“You’re welcome!”
Homer strode cockily towards the other ponies in his dandy new hat with Pinkie trotting alongside him.
“Did it work?” everyone asked.
“Did what work?” said Twilight as she trotted outside.
“INDUBITABILLY!” said Homer quite loudly, causing them all to jump. “Let us make hash! The Princesses await us! But especially me.”
“It didn’t work,” grumbled Rainbow Dash.
“What didn’t work?!” asked Twilight crabbily.
“Dear Princess Celestia,” said Pinkie. “Today I learned that everypony everywhere is important, whether they’re smart or not, whether they’re ponies or not, or whether they…
“CONTEXT! I REQUIRE CONTEXT!!”
“Madam,” said Homer. He tipped his hat and continued inside.
Twilight’s brain reset.
“Twi?” said Applejack.
“It’s okay to go in. Everypony’s more or less fine. Celestia was indoors when he hit, and as long as no one mentions it again, it doesn’t matter that Princess Luna is green as a frog.”
“When you put it that way, it makes her sound so cute…” said Fluttershy.
"...and remember to tell Mrs. Dandy that all of her songs don't have to rhyme," finished Pinkie.
They entered through the entrance into the entrance hall, with Homer leading the way.
Awaiting them was a majestic white alicorn and an unusually green alicorn.
“Cute froggie…”
Luna stepped forward… and the ham began to speak.
“OH MYSTERIOUS BEAST OF OUTWORLDS BEYOND, WELCOME TO OUR CAPITAL, THE MAJESTIC CANTERLOT! I AM LUNA, PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT. THOU NEEDST NOT FEAR ME! SPEAK AND BE HEARD, WHAT BRINGS THEE TO OUR HUMBLE DOMAIN?”
“GREETINGS, WENCH!” Replied Homer, with equal loftiness. “AND MAY I SAY BLESS YOU, YOUR MAJESTY, A POX ON YOUR HOUSE!”
“WHAT?! SPEAK AGAIN, CREATURE, I KNOW NOT WHAT YOU ARE SAYING!”
“I KNOW WITH PRECISION MY ANTARCTICULATION! HARK, YOU APPEAR BEFORE ME HATLESS?! WHY DOST THOU REVEL INSTEAD IN THY WINGYNESS AND HORNINESS, HORSE OF THE POLKA-LIPS?”
“PRITHEE TELL WHY I SHOULD NEED A HAT, YELLOW ONE?! THE NIGHT SKY IS MY HAT!”
“ONE CANNOT PRETEND TO BE IMPORTANT LACKING HEADGEAR, MAIDEN OF THINGIE!”
“BUT I HATH IMPORTANCE! I HATH IT IN SPADES!”
“AND SO IS YOUR MOM, GREEN HORSEY!”
Luna turned to Celestia, with tears appearing in her eyes. “YOU SAID NOPONY WOULD NOTICE!”
Luna burst out crying.
“Twilight,” began Celestia.
“NO! PLEASE NOT MAGIC PRESCHOOL!”
“Twilight, I’m not going to send you to the m– magic preschool,” said Celestia. “But please try and repair this situation before Luna… responds ,” she pleaded urgently.
“We shall destroy you for those remarks…” *sob*
Twilight approached Homer who was standing, with Gusto.
“That wasn’t very nice, Homer,” she said carefully. “You made Princess Luna cry, and that’s a bad thing to do, because…”
“YOUR NINNYING DOTH TOO MUCH OF A PROTEST!” proclaimed Homer. “WITH MY FANCY HAT, I’M TOO IMPORTANT TO LEARN MY MANNERISMS!”
Rainbow Dash stole the hat in the air, with Gusto.
“D’oh.”
“Homer, apologize to Princess Luna now,” pleaded Twilight.
Homer took a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”
The room was silent.
“Can we eat now?”
“Try again,” chorused everyone bitterly.
“Um, okay.”
…
“Um… I really like your mane. It’s very green.”
Everyone groaned. Luna cried harder
“You can do better that!” scolded Twilight angrily. She horned him in the buttock.
“Ow! Why would you do that?!”
“Apologize to the Princess!” She horned him again. Rarity horned the other buttock.
“Ow! Ow-wo-ho!”
Fluttershy covered her face with her hooves as Applejack and Rainbow Dash bucked him in the stomach and head respectively.
“OW! AUGH!!
“STOP IT! STOP IT AT ONCE!” shouted Celestia.
Everyone froze. Pinkie shoved a billy into a flowerpot and began whistling.
“I am shocked that any of my little Ponies would deliberately hurt another living creature; especially you, my faithful student!”
Twilight began sputtering and babbling.
“P-princess! I-I-I-w-w-we… that is, I mean, w-we mean… we d-didn’t… n-no clue… that he…”
“I think that makes two who deserve apologies,” said Celestia.
Twilight hung her head with a conflicting look of annoyance and humility. “Homer?”
“Yes?”
“I apologize for hurting you. No matter how angry I was, I shouldn’t have lashed out at you. Do you forgive me?”
“Um… okay?”
Twilight extended a fore hoof to shake hands. Homer fist bumped her.
“OW!” Twilight rubbed the hoof she extended.
“I think you three also have something you ought to say,” Celestia said, in particular to Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash.
After several seconds, Rarity was the first to step forward. “It was quite uncouth of me to jab my horn into your flank, no matter what provocation I received.” She looked straight at Homer. “That’s all I have to say.”
Rainbow Dash floated forward. “I shouldn’t have bucked you in the head, even if you have, you know, hurt other ponies. I shouldn’t really be the one to judge, no matter how terrible you act towards everypony .
Finally, Applejack stepped up and said, “You hurt several ponies close to me. I know you didn’t mean to, but you’re still not making up for it much. I know what I did was wrong, and I acknowledge that, but I don’t feel comfortable saying sorry to you, same as Dash and Rarity, I think.”
“That will do,” said Celestia. She turned to Homer. “You look like you have something to say. Do you?”
“No.”
“Oh, really?”
“No.”
“OH, REALLY?! ”
“Yes, I certainly do!” said Homer. “Um… I know there's a lot of people who don't like me and wish I would go away. I think we got off on the wrong foot. I know I can come off a little proactive, and for that I'm sorry. But if everyone could find a place in their hearts for the little dog that nobody wanted, I know we can become the best of friends.”
Everyone just sort of stared at him.
“That was a nice speech,” said Twilight, “And an interesting analogy, I guess…?”
…
“I don’t know what that means,” said Homer.
Just then, Pinkie’s Pinkie Sense began to act up.
“Blinking… Bouncing… Goosestepping (HONK!)… Pirouette!” She gasped.
“What is it?” asked Twilight.
“I have to go now,” said Pinkie.
“Why?”
“My planet needs me.”
*VOOOOOOOP*
[Pinkie died on the way back to her home planet. It's okay though. The Doctor brought her back somehow.]
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A Homeric Epic in Equestria
Chapter the Seventh: The Ancient Mystic Chapter of No Homers
The Elements of Harmony followed Celestia into an empty, unused state room. While Homer was in Celestia’s Bedroom catching some Z’s, Celestia took the opportunity to give the Elements of necessary talking to.
“I am very disappointed,” said Celestia, in a calm voice that was weighted heavily with disappointment, “In all of you.” She motioned to the Elements, who hung their heads in deepest shame. Twilight looked like she might cry. “Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash,” she started. “I’ve never thought of any of you as violent; perhaps protective, maybe prideful, possibly provocable, but never violent. That any of you would raise hoof, horn or wing in aggression fills me with great sorrow. Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy,” she continued, “though neither of you took part in this aggression, I am somewhat disappointed that neither of you intervened. Neither of you acted in malice, but fear and ignorance can be even worse.” Finally she turned to Twilight. “My faithful student.” The irony weighed down heavily on Twilight, as continued to hold back tears. “That you of all ponies instigated this surprised me. You who are so mindful, so intelligent, and and genial as any pony in Equestria…” she stopped, seeing in Twilight’s eyes that she made her point. She returned to speaking to the group at large. “Do any of you have an explanation for what happened? Is there some reason you all acted so… uncharacteristically?”
The group silently exchanged looks for a few seconds before they all tried to speak up at the same time.
“He’s been…”
“I was so…”
“…and then he went and…”
“…I can’t stand…”
“…I disinfected the artifact…”
“…he’s really messed up!”
“…that thing is crazy, and if you thought I was kidding…”
“…I can’t get any closer…”
“…I’ve HAD IT!”
“…I DON’T KNOW!”
“…but the choreography didn’t synch, so Gummy couldn’t come!”
“SILENCE!”
And there was silence.
“I’m sorry, my little ponies,” said Celestia. She sat on her haunches, then slowly drooped to the floor. “I’ve been feeling a bit uneasy for a while, now.”
“What’s wrong, Princess?” Twilight asked with a note of worry in her voice.
“Is it something to do with the fate of Equestria?!” asked Rarity frantically.
“Isanancientevilabouttomakeitsreturn?!” asked Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie in one breath. “I win!” shouted Pinkie delightedly.
Celestia shook her head like an old pony trying to shoo away flies. “I cannot identify the cause of my discomfort; and now I’m starting to feel a bit under the weather. I wish I were in my bed right now.”
The door creaked open. Homer peeked inside.
“Now, you might want to repair that bed right now, but can we eat? I haven’t had anything to eat for ten days!”
“Ten minutes!” corrected Twilight Sparkle.
“Nine days!”
“No, ten minutes! ”
“Eight days!”
“I’m not haggling!”
“Then we can agree to disagree,” Homer said while shrugging. He left to search for food.
Twilight ground her teeth in frustration. Suddenly, an idea came to her.
“Princess, how long have you been feeling down?”
“Not long at all,” said Celestia. “You need not worry yourself my faithful student, I’m sure it’s just a passing…”
“Did you first notice it yesterday morning?”
Celestia perked up slightly. “Yes,” she said curiously, “I had just started to feel this anxiety when I woke up yesterday morning.” Then she remembered the details from Twilight’s letter. “You don’t mean…”
“I think I do, Princess. Your uneasiness may be connected to Homer Simpson’s first appearance in Ponyville!”
Everyone seemed shocked to say the least.
“Sounds like an ancient evil to me,” said Dash. “Now we HAVE to do something!”
“Hold on, Rainbow Dash,” said Twilight, “Just because they may be correlated doesn’t mean we should jump to conclusions.”
“It’s not jumping to conclusions if you’re right!”
“WE DON’T KNOW IF YOU’RE RIGHT!”
“WE DON’T KNOW IF YOU’RE RIGHT!”
“THAT’S THE SAME IDEA!”
“SILENCE! ABSOLUTE SILENCE!”
Again, there was silence.
“Oh dear,” said Celestia. “I’m so sorry. Even my temper seems to be quite short today.”
“Aha!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash. “This proves my theory one-hundred-and-twenty percent! Homer is some sort of evil avatar of anger that has escaped from its otherworldly prison to corrupt everypony so that it can take over Equestria!”
“Daring Do and the Avatar of Anger is a work of fiction, Dash” said Twilight. “I don’t think it applies to our situation.”
“Everypony thought ‘The Mare in the Moon’ was an old pony’s tale. How do you know that A. K. Yearling didn’t stumble into another world and see it happen herself?”
“It would be less likely than if all of the other books were real, and that A. K. Yearling was really Daring Do!”
“Well, I think that…” started Fluttershy.
“AH!” Rarity jumped.
Everyone looked at them.
“Sorry, Fluttershy. Please do go on.”
“It’s okay. I was saying that I don’t think that Homer is bad.”
Everyone waited.
“That’s all I wanted to say…”
“Fluttershy,” said Celestia, causing her to shrink behind Rarity. “No, wait, I want you to explain why you think so. Please, Fluttershy?”
Fluttershy reluctantly stepped forward. “Well, he wasn’t being very nice to Princess Luna, but I don’t think he was himself at that point. Other than that, he’s just sort of been a little…”
“Dumb,” said Applejack. “I kinda’ know what you mean, Fluttershy, but his being dumb has caused a wagonload of problems, and not just tiny problems, BIG problems.”
“He isn’t trying to hurt anypony, maybe if we can find a way to help him…”
“But he has hurt somepony, Big Mac, Princess Luna, who’s next?”
“But we’ve also hurt him, and…” Fluttershy struggled to get the rest of the words out of her mouth. “I could’ve stopped you, but I felt so afraid.”
“Of what?” asked Twilight.
“I don’t know! I knew I should have done something, but I was really scared of getting involved, I didn’t feel I could do anything.”
Twilight thought to herself. Her brain was starting to get a picture of… something. “These peculiarities seem to be connected. But how and to what extent? Come on, Twilight, think! How could these things be connected?! ”
“Twilight?”
“Huhwhat?”
Rarity was staring at her, and now everyone else was, too.
“You seemed to be ‘Out of it’ as it were.”
“Sorry,” said Twilight. “I know there’s a connection here, but that’s all I know. I don’t know where it starts, where it ends, or what it involves.”
*SNORE*
Everyone jumped then looked towards the location of the sound. Pinkie was standing next to Rainbow Dash, snoozing away. Dash shook her awake.
“Hmuh?” said Pinkie Pie. “Is it dinnertime?”
“Pinkie, how long have you been asleep?” asked Twilight.
“Since Princess Celestia said ‘I am very’, which doesn’t really make much sense because usually you say something after ‘very’ but whatever I had this awesome dream where I was playing a game with Rainbow Dash to see who could say something the fastest and it’s a shame Gummy couldn’t come because…”
“Pinkie, we’ve been having a VERY important discussion!” scolded Twilight. “How can you have slept through all of it?”
“Pssh, I only missed 99.5810056% of the discussion.”
…
“Well,” said Celestia while looking at a wall clock, “I think it is time for dinner to be served. Let us be off, my little ponies, there is somepony in my bedroom who should be pleased to hear… wait, what did he say about my bed?”
Everyone shuffled out of the room in a hurry so as to not have to answer the question.
A Homeric Epic in Equestria
Chapter the Eighth: Ready? Wu Sai Fung Ku!
Chapter the Eighth: Ready? Wu Sai Fung Ku!
A pair of stain and polished apple and cherry doors opened gracefully into the Dining Hall. To the refined, it is very pleasing to have doors made out of delicious-sounding wood leading to their extravagant mess, as it is pleasing to write prose about it. The dining furniture , on the other hand...
“Hmm… ash,” said Celestia. “Wait, I already knew that.”
But wait, you don’t care about any of this! Where’s Homer?
“OM-NOM-NOM-NOM…”
There he is.
“…NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM…”
Rarity suppressed a gag. Pinkie suppressed munching on the doors. Or the chairs. Couldn’t help nibbling on the table, though.
“THAT, is simply repugnant,” said Rarity.
“FNNKOO.”
Rarity received a Fnnkoo-ton of chewed food to the face. “That was NOT a compliment. Honestly… there’s nopony in all of Equestria with such table manners!”
“WOOSAI, REDDY?”
“AGGH! APPLEJACK!”
*Gulp* “Heh, sorry.”
“Oh it’s quite alright, dear. At least you APOLOGIZED for your crude behavior,” she stressed pointedly.
They joined Homer at the table. Twilight sat across from him, putting both of them next to the end chair where Celestia sat. Luna sat on her other side, while Pinkie sat on Homer’s other side. Applejack sat next to Pinkie, Rainbow next to her, Fluttershy next to Luna, and Rarity next to her. It was difficult for them to eat as Homer’s black hole of a mouth created a black hole of vision. Nopony in the room was able to look away for at least a solid minute each time they so much as glanced at him. Rarity was the only one whose attention wasn’t draw in, as she was determined not to give Homer any more attention, as well as not to throw up.
Twilight decided to try and stir up some conversation.
“Princess Luna, your coat is blue again!”
“Indeed, Twilight Sparkle.”
“I hope you’re feeling better.”
“I’ve been feeling a great deal of stress since…”
“Yesterday morning?”
“Now that I think about it, yes, I do believe that was when I started to feel, for lack of a better word, high strung.”
“And Discord’s prank set you off, so to speak?”
“Coupled with the prospect of greeting this Homer Simpson, I could barely think straight. I still don’t feel right.”
“…NOM-NOM-NOM. *Gulp* Marge, pass the steak sauce?”
No one spoke.
“Oh, right. Marge, PLEASE pass the steak sauce?”
“Um, sure, I guess… Queen…”
“Just Celestia will do.”
“Okay.”
Celestia levitated a bottle of orange vinaigrette to Homer, who followed its path with his eyes. “How do you do that?”
“Magic,” Celestia said with a smile on her face.
“A-HA-HA-HA-HA! There’s no such thing as magic!”
Everyone stared at him as though he had said “there’s no such thing as water.”
“Well, except for lightbulbs. Did you know that Thomas Edison invented them over a thousand years ago, and still no one knows how they work?”
“What do you mean ‘There’s no such thing as magic’?” asked Twilight Sparkle. “Magic is one of the fundamental forces that affects everything in the universe. There’s no doubt to whether it exists.”
“Only stupid people believe in magic.”
Everyone at the table found the remark to be quite unbelievable, while Twilight looked incredibly offended. Rarity gave a little “Hmph!” before continuing to eat.
“Also microwaves, they spin around food and it comes out hot. It’s weird! No one can explain it!”
Twilight tried to ignore the throbbing beginning in her head as she levitated Homer’s plate above his head.
“Wha… hey!”
“Note the absence of wires to suspend the plate, or a powerful updraft to launch it. There can be no doubt that the force holding it in place above the table is… OH!”
Homer had stood up on his chair to reach his plate. He jumped up and grabbed it, causing Twilight to reflexively lift him and his plate higher into the air to counteract his weight.
“Homer!” Shouted Twilight, struggling to orient him and the plate, “I can’t hold you up! Let go of the plate! WAIT, DON’T LET GO! DON’T LET GO!”
Homer didn’t need to be told twice. Or at all, really. He was busy trying to figure out how to eat the contents of his plate, paying no mind to the precariousness of his position. Twilight focused intensely on the plate and the man floating and hanging in the air respectively. She simultaneous “let go” of the plate and “caught” Homer Simpson, making the task of levitating them just slightly easier. Homer was shaken for a moment, but realizing that he and his food were safe, he continued eating, sans use of hands. As he finished off his plate, the mass of the food that was on the plate was added to him, but also subtracted from the plate, making for a total change in mass of… nothing. However, since this is a fanfiction of two cartoons, we’ll just pretend this somehow made him heavier.
Twilight couldn’t hold him any longer, and dropped him onto the end of the table, crushing two of the table’s legs, and launching the other end of the table slightly airward. When it came down, the trays, bowls, and plates of food had left for the alicorn at the other end of the table. I’ll give you a moment to retread the seating arrangements.
…
Yeah.
For the next two seconds, Princess Celestia became target practice for an assortment of vegetarian delights, such as Pappardelle Primavera…
*SPLAT*
Pesto Penne Parmesan…
*SPLORT*
…Caesar Salad with Celery Stalks and Sassafras…
*SPLURT*
…Anelli Alfredo and a side of Alfalfa and Applesauce…
*SPLOOT*
…and Beans.
*PRT*
Celestia was frozen in place, blinking to get salad dressing out of her eyes.
“Princess Celestia! Are you okay?” Twilight asked concernedly.
“Quite alright, dear Twilight,” she said, giving a smile.
Twilight couldn’t help but feel that she wasn’t being honest with her response.
“Oh dear! Rarity!” said Fluttershy.
Everyone turned their attention back across the table. Rarity, in her determination to not pay any attention to Homer, had been the only one over her plate when the table had been upended. She was splayed out on the floor, with her head spinning.
“Rarity! Are you okay?!” shouted Twilight, as she ran to her side with the rest of her friends.
“Say something!” screamed Dash.
“It wasn’t me! I didn’t kill her! It was the Table I tell you! IT WAS THE TABLE!” cried Homer.
“SHE’S NOT DEAD!” Twilight and Dash both shouted at the same time.
“She’s not…” started Pinkie, “…aw, ponyfeathers!”
“…more puce, especially the shoes…” said Rarity dazedly.
“Rarity?” said Twilight. “Are you feeling alright?”
“Ohhh…” said Rarity, rubbing her horn, “what happened?”
“You took a real nasty blow there,” said Applejack, “you see, Homer…”
“Homer?!” said Rarity, “HOMER?! HOMER?! ”
She marched over to where Homer was left sitting; on the end of the table, on Celestia’s plate. She looked him right in the eyes.
“YOU WERE THE ONE WHO CAUSED MY INJURY?!” she shrieked.
Homer shrugged guiltily.
“GYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAHG!”
The sound let loose from Rarity’s lips was not unlike a Griffon’s cry… well, yeah, it was. It was unlike the cry of any other creature that had ever set foot in Equestria, filled to the brim with rage, frustration, and delicious, nutritious ham.
“HOW! DARE! YOU!” she shouted. “YOU… YOU… YOUR BEHAVIOR IS BARBARIC… AND… BARBARIC! SIMPLY BARBARIC!”
Barely able to find the words to express herself, she marched to the cherry double doors.
“AND… UNNACCEPTABLE!”
“Rarity, it…” started Twilight.
“UNNACCEPTABLE!!!”
She slammed the door behind her.
“…was kind of… my… fault.”
“Sure.” said Rainbow Dash, rolling her eyes, “Homer grabbing onto a floating plate? TOTALLY your fault!” Twilight frowned at Dash, imagining the same consequences occurring after Homer declaring that it was impossible to fly, while Dash flew to within an inch of Homer’s face and glared him down. “…and while we’re on the subject, you want to know what happens the next time you screw up like that?!”
“RAINBOW DASH, STOP!”
“…and you DON’T wanna end up in the Rainbow Mixer! IT! IS! SPICY!”
Twilight loudly interrupted Dash’s threat and ruined Pinkie’s timing. She pulled her away from Homer.
“Rainbow Dash, this isn’t you! You’re not a mean pony!”
“I'm not being mean!” Dash said defiantly. “If he keeps doing things like that, then he’s got it coming!”
“Even if was causing trouble on purpose, these aren’t big problems! They can be fixed!”
“And what happen when he causes a problem we CAN’T fix?!”
“What WOULD happen? ” A concerned voice said in Twilight’s head. It threw her off for a moment, but she brought herself back to her senses and said, “It’s no reason to threaten him the way you did. Remember when we all got out of control when he was bullying Luna? Something set all of us off. I don’t know what it was, but we need to restrain ourselves! What if we’re the ones who cause a problem that can’t be fixed?”
Rainbow grumbled, and turned away from Twilight.
“I think we should all make a Promise, to not give in to any of these aggressive inhibitions while Homer is in Equestria.”
“Ain’t no problem been solved by buckin’ it ‘til it went away,” said Applejack. “I’ll swear it.”
“Billy’s been getting kind of lonely, but I can just let him beat some eggs,” said Pinkie.
“I’ll do whatever it takes to stop myself from hurting him,” said Fluttershy, “even if I have to lock myself in my cottage, and move the cottage far, far away where nopony…”
“You don’t really need to do this, Fluttershy,” said Twilight. “You haven’t felt the same urges we have…”
“But I DO, I have a lot of built up stress and anger trying to get out, and I can’t let that happen!”
“Well, okay,” said Twilight unsurely. The four of them stacked their hooves on top of each other, first Applejack, then Fluttershy, then Pinkie Pie, then Twilight. They looked towards Rainbow Dash.
“Please, Dash? At least for us?”
Dash continued to scowl at them, but after a few seconds, the scowl melted away. She walked towards them and put her hoof on top of Twilight’s. “Okay. For you guys, I’ll do it.”
“Don’t forget to Pinkie Promise!” said Pinkie.
“Right,” said Twilight smiling.
“Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye ,” recited the five of them as they made the gestures.
“What about Rarity?” said Applejack after they finished. “Shouldn’t she be in on this, too?”
“She’s probably very tired, after everything that’s transpired today,” said Twilight. “We can tell her in the morning.”
“Homer,” said Rainbow Dash, “I’m sorry I shouted at you like that. Are we cool?”
Homer hadn’t been paying attention to much of anything at dinner besides dinner. Still, he awkwardly replied, “Um… sure… Miss… Flying… Horse…”
“Rainbow Dash.”
“Homer Simpson.” He offered his hand.
Rainbow Dash blinked. Then she stifled a snigger, and accepted the handshake.
“I’m glad you could resolve your differences for the time being,” said Princess Celestia, while giving a warm smile. “Now, even though practically all of the kitchen’s reserves have been depleted…”
Homer unbuckled his belt, and kicked back with an “AHHHHHH…”
“…I’ve had a very special desert made for the occasion of Homer Simpson’s visit.”
A male Earth Pony and a female Unicorn came in to the dining room pushing a small dining cart. They were drenched with sweat from trying to keep the trays in the dining room full. The unicorn levitated the covered tray to Celestia, then lifted the cover. Revealed was what looked like a pie, but was a bit too tall to be any ordinary pie. This was one of Celestia’s favorites, an original recipe put together by Pinkie Pie and the Cakes. The Apple-Cinnamon-Cherry Pie-Cake. Consisting of three layers, the top was a pie crust filled with cherries, the bottom a cinnamon-vanilla swirl cake, sandwiched around a thick layer of apple crumble.
“Thank you for the recipe, Pinkie.”
“It was nothing! Anyways, I got the Apple Crumble recipe from Applejack!”
“Well, shoot, you don’t need to thank me; Granny Smith taught me how to make it.”
Celestia smiled as she turned to Homer. “Seeing as you’re our guest, would you like to take the first…?” She stopped when she saw the crumbs around Homer’s mouth. She then looked to the pie-cake plate. Unlike Homer’s pie hole, there was a distinct lack of food debris (or food, for that matter) on the plate.
Celestia’s mouth hung open in shock.
“Are you gonna have yours?” asked Homer.
“Homer, that dessert was for everypony to share!” said Twilight. “I’m sorry Princess Celestia. We…”
Celestia did not seem to be listening. She was still staring at the empty plate with her eyes wide. “My sweet…” she barely whispered.
Everyone at the table stared at her with concern. “Sister?” said Luna, “Are you feeling alright?”
“Yes.” She replied softly. She slowly got out of her chair and left the dining room.
Silence reigned supreme for the next minute. Suddenly, it was stabbed in the back by a deafening sound of rage, sorrow, and loss.
“Et tu, Brute? ” said Silence, in American Sign Language.
“MY BED! MY BED HAS BEEN DESTROYED! IT WAS MY ONLY SOURCE OF COMFORT IN THIS CRUEL, DARK WORLD! ”
“TIA!” shouted Luna, who galloped away towards her sister's screaming.
The reMane-ing Five tried eating more salad, as there was no dessert, to distract them from the distressing noises that came from the direction in which the Princesses had left. Homer stared at the door, wondering what exactly he had just caused. Minutes later, after the ruckus had subsided, Luna reentered the dining hall. Her mane had been mussed, and slightly singed.
“Twilight Sparkle, my sister wishes to speak to you in her room.” Twilight and her friends started to get up, but Luna added, “Alone.”
The other four reseated themselves. Twilight followed Luna to Celestia’s chambers. Twilight had seen them before, having previously lived in the castle while having a close bond to her mentor. Luna left her at the door, presumably going to check on the night sky. Twilight opened the door, and was given a mild shock.
Celestia’s bed had apparently been snapped cleanly in two and set on fire from the looks of it, but most troublesome of all was the Princess herself. She lay down on a large rug and pillow, not in a comfortable way, but like a sick animal. She stirred as Twilight entered the room.
“Twilight, I’m very sorry, about this. I don’t know what got into me.”
“Don’t blame yourself, Princess. I’d get angry too if my bed was broken and set on fire.”
The Princess shook her head. “The fire was my doing, I’m afraid. I doubt that I’ll be able to continue doing my duties in a state like this.”
“Twilight had twice before feared for Princess Celestia’s life. When she had disappeared on the Eve of the Summer Sun, and when she had been overpowered by Queen Chrysalis. But she had quickly recovered both times. Now she seemed so weak and tired.
“What should I do?!” she cried out. “There’s got to be a treatment for this in one of my books… no, maybe the royal archives…”
“No, Twilight,” said Celestia. “I will cope with my predicament alone. There’s nothing you can do until we know more about what’s happening to me… no, what’s happening to all of us. In the meantime, I shall entrust Princess Luna with the duty of raising and lowering the sun. As for you, return to Ponyville with Homer and your friends. Your new assignment in friendship research shall be to learn more about Homer by making friends with him, all six of you.”
“But how? He’s so… so… difficult!”
Celestia grinned. “I can’t remember you ever turning down an assignment because it was too difficult.”
“But this thing that’s happening to you, it’s happening to all of us! How can we make friend with him while some mysterious force that may or may not be connected to him is tearing us apart?!”
Celestia sighed. “In my many years as a Princess of Equestria, even I have made mistakes. But in all of the years we’ve been together, you’ve never let me down, Twilight Sparkle. Go back to Ponyville. You will find the key to this mystery. You have my complete faith.
Twilight held back tears as Princess Celestia beamed at her, so confident in her despite her weak state. Unable to help herself, she nuzzled Celestia, who accepted the gesture. Twilight quietly left the room, leaving Celestia to lie back down. Moaning in discomfort, she tried hard to relax herself.
Twilight came back to the dining room, to find Fluttershy staring gloomily at her full plate (having barely touched it all evening), Applejack unwieldily picking her teeth with her hooves, Rainbow Dash with her head down on the table, and Pinkie Pie soundly defeating Homer at cups and balls.
“This time I’ve got you beat,” said Homer smugly.
“Is it the middle one?” asked Pinkie.
“D’OH!”
He shuffled the cups.
“There’s no way you’ll guess it this time!”
“Is it the middle one?”
“D’OH!”
He shuffled the cups again.
“You’ll never guess it now! Here’s a hint, it’s NOT in the middle cup!”
“Is it the middle one?”
“D’OH!”
“Girls,” said Twilight.
Everyone turned their attention towards Twilight.
“We’re going home.”
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A Homeric Epic in Equestria
Chapter the Ninth: Spike vs. the Flying Saucer
Spike kicked his feet impatiently under the table as he waited for the train to arrive at the station. He’d rather be at home. He’d rather be at home reading a comic. He’d rather be at home munching on gems and reading a comic. All-in-all, he’d rather be lying in bed, munching on rubies, and reading his new Masked Mare issue in which the cover’s speech bubbles indicate that the insane Dr. Atrocity has gained influence over the mind of Marewolf and is using her to…
“AUGH!” Spike groaned in frustration. “The train from Canterlot was due three hours ago! What’s taking them?!”
“Ah, come on, kid,” said Clean Sweep, a custodian of the station. “Like my daddy used to tell me, each minute a train’s late, another friend’s bound to disembark.”
“Really?” Spike replied dryly. “Did you believe him?”
“Once. He was quite the optimist.”
Clean Sweep finished Spike’s spot, and whistled on his way over to some chatty young mares. As if on cue, a different whistle heralded some steam rising over the horizon.
“Finally!”
Spike had been eagerly awaiting his chance to finally see the alien that Twilight was keeping secret for what she had cutely referred to in conversations with him as “Canterlot reasons.”
“Oh, geez! I forgot to make a list of questions to ask!”
As his mind raced to think of famous historical ponies that could have been visitors, the train slowed towards the platform. A burst of steam obscured the doors as they opened. From the shadows lurched a terrible bug-eyed beast. It looked like a green one-eyed octopus.
Spike eeped as it was joined by a twin. It then cleared its throat.
“Greetings!” said one of the creatures. “I am Commander Kang, of the planet Rigel-Seven. This is my Sub Commander, Kodos.”
“In accordance with protocol, you shall call me ‘Madam’ unless I am within or beneath a body of liquid of considerable size,” said Kodos.
Spike was paralyzed in a state of horrified awe. They were more disgusting than the Groobians. [Featured in "Incredible Tales of the Young Power Ponies," last month’s ish]
“Do you come in… peace?” said Spike, trying and failing to sound calm.
“Hmm… our race has not considered making peace with natives immediately after meeting them before,” Kang pondered. “Our standard procedure is to migrate to the planet, wage war, and spread our religion to the survivors, with varying degrees of success.”
“That’ll never work!” said Spike fearfully. “We have magic… and princesses too!”
The aliens turned to each other and began murmuring. Then Kang spoke.
“We shall try to exercise caution, but on our planet those are resources with little strategic value.”
Spike couldn’t believe his ears. Who aside from mighty villains and immature dragons would scoff at the magic of Pony Princesses?
“Wait,” said Kodos. “Your scales reflect light in a most peculiar manner. You do not look like the other natives. What are you?”
Then Spike remembered just what he was, and it gave him confidence, which he had been lacking up to this point in case you hadn’t noticed.
“Oh, ME? Just your everyday average FIRE-BREATHING DRAGON!”
Kang and Kodos gasped and began muttering to themselves even more heatedly.
“We have only before heard legends of creatures that can breathe fire!” Kodos said excitedly.
“However, as scientifically-advanced beings, we do not believe in legends,” said Kang.
“Then perhaps you need a demonstration!”
Spike took a deep breath, and delivered, what was for him, a pretty impressive fireball.
“The legends were true!” shouted Kang.
“Oh that? I’ve done bigger.”
“Serak! Extract us!”
“What?”
A mysterious light bathed them in low gravity, lifting them of the ground. The aliens, used to this, remained silent. Spike, a first-timer, flailed helplessly as he screamed.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Somepony help!”
“Farewell, friend!” said Clean Sweep.
“Those effects were so fake,” said one of the chatty mares.
“That is like, my exact thoughts,” agreed the other.
The saucer zoomed away into the cosmos, just as Spike was coming to his senses. He looked out a large window. For a moment, his fear was suspended by sheer awe.
“Wow, I guess this makes me the first non-royal Equestrian in space!”
“CORRECTION, SPOCKY-WOCKY… YOU AM… BEEP… BOOP… SECOND.”
Spike screamed in terror as he found himself face-to-face with a young unicorn’s legs and disfigured head attached to a stove.
“Behold,” said Kang. “A stove made out of an intelligent lifeform.”
“It also doubles as a lifeform,” added Kodos.
“Rarity!"
Spike turned to the aliens.
"What have you done to her?”
“Close-minded beast,” said Serak the Preparer, “we have made her into a superior being! Admittedly, we do not consider unicorn stoves to be very logistical or effective, but by removing her brain, she has slipped the bonds of her fleshly avatar and gained a commission as our superior officer.”
“Behold…” said Kang, “Captain Rarity of Rigel-Seven!”
A chair in the middle of the room turned around, revealing Captain Rarity in all of her lobey-ness. The brain squelched as the aliens began laughing.
“No! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ”
Spike jerked awake in a cold sweat.
“NO! N… oh. It was all just a dream.”
There was a knock at the door.
“Coming!”
He opened the door to welcome in Ponyville’s resident Herbalist Zebra.
“Hi, Zecora!”
“Did I awake you, young dragon?” asked Zecora apologetically. “I was just returning this empty potion flagon.”
She took the large ornate container out of her knapsack .
“Oh, thanks! Let me put that away!”
As he reached for the flagon, Zecora recoiled.
“What’s wrong, Zecora? I won’t drop it.”
Zecora gave Spike an awkward look closest in semblance to pity. “The train arrived at half past eight. It is now almost noon…”
Spike zipped past her before she could finish.
*sigh* “You’re late.”
Meanwhile, at the platform, Rarity was making some important vows.
“Oh, never again! I wasn’t just rude, I was barbarous! If I lay horn or hoof on Homer again, I’ll burn one of my dresses; and not just one of my gaudy embarrassments, I mean one of my masterworks!”
“How do you paint with hooves?” asked Homer.
“We paint with our mouths and sometimes magic, but Rarity makes...” explained Twilight.
“Why don't you just use your hands?"
"WE DON'T HAVE..."
“Sorry I’m late!" *HUFF* "I overslept!" *HUFF* "Can I carry your things Captain Rarity?”
…
“I always thought I would be the first of us to be addressed by rank,” said Rainbow Dash.
“No, it was the aliens in my dream that made her brain a captain! I mean… aliens… they were green, not yellow…”
Homer leaned into Twilight’s ear.
“Your baby sister is WEIRD,” he whispered loudly.
