Sergeant Johnson's New Gig

“Ugh, I beg your pardon? Miss Pie, what are you talking about? Of course it’s blue, and I don’t have a...” Flash Sentry’s rapid stammering ceased to an abrupt halt.

Pinkie Pie, still slightly invading Sergeant Johnson’s personal space, had her head tilted at Flash Sentry and a sweet smile on her face, slightly perplexed at his appearance. Johnson himself had a grin slowly spreading across his normally serious face, and seemed to have temporarily recovered from the pink-colored stranger’s sudden, confetti-laden greeting.

At Sentry’s side, his own guardsponies burst out laughing, dropping their weapons and falling to the grey flagstone floor of the station platform. The stallions rolled around on their backs, clutching their stomachs and quivering with mirth. Their faces were alight with a childlike glee.

Passing commuters swerved to avoid them all, murmuring words of bemusement, annoyance, and outrage as they passed. The entirety of the theatrics was enough, and Flash Sentry was able to put two and two together. His sapphire eyes widened as he peered at Johnson.

Still grinning, Johnson pointed to a tiny smudge of permanent marker still lingering near his right eye, in the upper left corner.

“How did you find out it was me?” Sentry blurted out, ditching his posh Canterlot accent in an instant. Flash Sentry’s own face betrayed him, turning a deep crimson color beneath his coat of fur.

Johnson joined in the guards’ laugh at Sentry’s expense, then folded his arms nonchalantly. “You should learn to cover your own tracks a little better, Captain.”

“Hey...c’mon, it was the skull’s fault, alright?”

The skull icon appeared in the corner periphery of Johnson’s vision again. “The pegasus lies. He was fully in control of his faculties. Birthday Party Skull nearby.” The icon flashed twice before vanishing again.

“Thanks, and I know. At least give me some kind of warning instead of constantly popping up like that, ya damn bug!” Pinkie Pie turned her own smile into a grin as she observed Johnson talking sternly to himself.

Simultaneously, Pinkie rubbed at her muzzle, as if she had a runny nose. Confetti appeared in her hoof whenever she withdrew, much to her bizarre combination of confusion and delight.

Having said his piece to the now ubiquitous skulls, Sergeant Johnson changed focus to Flash Sentry again.“You ain’t fooling anybody, son. IWHBYD noggin says so.” He retorted, turning serious again. The guards ceased their tirade and watched their own commanding officer and the human officer carefully, like excursionists observing an ongoing public disturbance.

Recovering from his initial fit of anger, shock, and finally embarrassment, Sentry took a breath and frowned. He held both his forelegs in the air, causing his musket strapped onto his back to shift around lightly. “Alright, alright! You caught me.  I’m sorry, human. I just could not resist.

Sentry rubbed at his blue mane awkwardly. “You see, I’ve been itching to do that to somepony for a month now, and your arrival and the skull provided the perfect opportunity.” He grimaced slightly as Johnson’s facial expression hardened, expecting a harsh rebuke to be in the making.

Instead, Johnson simply shifted back to his original, mischievous grin. “We’re even for now, Sentry.” He pointed a finger directly at him. “For now.”

Pinkie Pie sneezed again, shooting confetti onto Flash Sentry’s ‘mustachioed’ face. In response, Sentry cleared his throat even more awkwardly. “Ah, well then. Miss Pie, I see you’ve introduced yourself to the Sergeant Major here?”

Having kept quiet for an uncharacteristically long time, Pinkie Pie nodded fervently. She held out her hoof to a slightly exasperated Sergeant Johnson. “Hiya, again! My name’s Pinkie Pie in case you forgot. Pinkie for short, if you’d like!”

Her grin alone indicated to Johnson that he had never encountered a being such as Pinkie Pie before. Strangely enough, her curly pink mane almost made him want to approach her and run his fingers through it. It could have been made of cotton candy for all he knew.

Unsure of how to respond to someone with such a high level of energy, he cautiously grasped her hoof and shook. Johnson grunted in astonishment at how quickly Pinkie Pie shook back. His arm and her foreleg were a blur for a brief moment, much like a humming bird’s wings. Flash Sentry almost developed something akin to vertigo just by watching them.

“Lady, you have one helluva shake there. Nice to meet you, Pinkie.” Johnson said finally as they broke the grip, trying to regain feeling in his hand and forearm as the pink mare grinned at him.

“My name’s Avery Johnson, but that’s Sergeant Johnson to you. ” He shot a brief glance at the balloon symbols on her flank, and curled his lips in a smile. “Nice tattoo there. Let me guess, you throw birthday parties for the kiddies?”

For a moment, Pinkie Pie appeared confused. “Tattoo?” Then she noticed Johnson’s line of sight and grinned again. “Oh, that’s just my cutie mark. Everybody gets them at a certain age once they’ve discovered their special talents or interests! And boy, oh boy do I love throwing parties! I’ve made it one of my personal goals in life to make everypony I encounter smile whenever they’re feeling blue!”

Johnson raised an eyebrow. Cutie mark? What kind of candy-ass name for a highly symbolic tattoo is that? “Really? What’s your usual success rate, Pinkie Pie?” He queried.

Pinkie Pie bounced up and down a few times. “One hundred and ten percent, Mister Sergeant! One of the best ways is through hilarious pranks!” Pinkie glanced at Flash Sentry’s face and giggled. “Like the one you pulled off on Captain Sentry here.”

Flash Sentry’s frown deepened and his ears flattened, while his guards stifled giggles. Johnson, meanwhile put his hands to his hips. “Oh that business, yeah just a little payback is all.” He chuckled, noticing that Sentry was growing restless.

The armored pegasus continuously shifted his gaze towards the streets of Ponyville beyond the station, stamping his hoof methodically. “Well, it’s been a pleasant little meet and greet here on the platform, but I think we’ve all been standing here a bit too long. Better muster out.”

“Okie dokie.” Pinkie Pie replied cheerfully, sneezing again shortly thereafter. The stray masses of confetti decorating the platform floor were liable to drive a custodian insane sometime later that day.

Sentry sighed in relief. “Right-o! Sergeant Major, if you’ll follow us, we’ll show you to Princess Twilight’s estate. It’s not far at all.” Flash Sentry reacquired his official mode of speech, and his guards sobered up into their usual statue-like aura of sternness as the party of soldiers trotted out into town. “Feel free to accompany us if you like, Miss Pie.”

Johnson, who had already moved to follow the others, lurched back slightly in surprise as Pinkie Pie practically teleported to his right. “Sounds good to me! I better check on Sugar Cube Corner, and it’s on the way.”

“How?” Sergeant Johnson whispered, leaning towards her ear.

A casual shrug was Pinkie Pie’s response. “I dunno.” She held a hoof to her chin in though as they promenaded down the cobblestone road.  Johnson fetched a cigar from a pouch and lit it.

“Hmm, all my friends tell me I’m just random. I’ve personally never really given it much thought. I’m always too busy helping the Cakes, hanging out with the girls, or turning frowns upside down!”

The human grunted, keeping pace with her and puffing out smoke on occasion. “I also have Pinkie Sense.” Pinkie Pie added suddenly.

“Say what?”

“Pinkie Sense! Whenever something important or interesting is about to happen, I get a tail twitch.”

“You mean...like clairvoyance?”

Pinkie Pie nodded. “You betcha, although it’s not always easy to see coming. There’s a complex system involved in interpreting it. Twilight refers to my ability as ‘extrasensory cognitive perception syndrome’, or something sciency like that. She’s such a silly-filly!”

Based on what he’s seen of Pinkie Pie, Johnson figured the mare’s claims probably weren’t too far from the truth. “Well, what do ya know? That’s some freaky stuff right there.”

Pinkie Pie giggled again. “You’re telling me. At least it seems to be helpful, mostly. Nopony’s ever gotten hurt from my predictions on their own.” Her eyes closed and her smile grew brighter. “Only when they ignore them.” Pinkie Pie then opened her eyes again and pouted her lip in slight sadness.

“Always a shame when that happens.”

Sensing he was bordering on some rather choppy waters with the mare, he decided to swing the conversation around. “So, what happened to bring you to the train station at the same time I arrived?”

Like the flip of a switch in a darkened room, Pinkie’s face lit up into her usual innocent-looking cheerfulness in a heartbeat. “I heard from Twilight in advance that you were coming! It’s an obsession of mine to energetically welcome new arrivals to Ponyville.”

“And you actually pull this off on a weekly basis?”

Pinkie Pie’s eyes twinkled. “Of course silly! No visit or stay here would be complete without a warm welcome, wouldn’t you say?”

“Well, I guess so.” Johnson conceded, raising his hat and rubbing at his shaven scalp. “Folks do need a reminder of the world’s delights from time to time. Morale is everything!”

“Exactly!” Pinkie Pie replied, raising her cheery voice slightly, nearly breaking into a bounce. “And I’m the mare to help do the reminding.” She sneezed slightly.

The conversing duo were now in the market of town, trailing slightly behind Flash Sentry and his soldiers. Like the train station, the market was bustling with ponies from all walks of life. Dozens went about their business, making deals, delivering goods, posting town information, and divulging news and pitching various products to passerby.

Numerous market goers however, regarded Pinkie Pie with alarm and worry, and carefully avoided the confetti she discharged upon the ground as if it were a bucket of plague-tainted water.

This was something the party pony picked up immediately. “Sheesh, it’s not even just the Cakes who've been acting different, most of the town’s been giving me weird looks. Well, some of them already do that, but more so than usual!” Pinkie Pie frowned suspiciously.

As soon as she finished her statement, Pinkie Pie sneezed up more confetti, again. She looked at the colorful substance on her hoof from time to time as they proceeded on. “Ooh, more confetti!”

Johnson paused abruptly in the middle of the road, accidentally letting his cigar slip out of his mouth. “Missy, you better go see a doctor soon! Does your nose always do that?”

“Nope, this has only been happening for the past few days I think.” She replied, as cheerfully as ever.

Might be the damn Birthday Party Skull. Is it friggin inside her head or something? But then again, the first skull would be going crazy right now, and it hasn’t said anything since the train station. “Have you seen any strange looking skulls with weird symbols carved in them around here lately, Miss PIe?”

To Sergeant Johnson’s surprise, Pinkie Pie darted off in the direction of a multistory establishment that Johnson thought resembled oddly enough, a giant gingerbread house.

“Sorry that’s Sugar Cube Corner gotta go now it was nice talking to you pay us a visit some time soon bye!” Pinkie Pie vocalized the entire sentence without pause, whilst at full gallop. Johnson stood gawking, watching her go, thinking quite sincerely that he had just personally encountered one of Equestria’s own living Unsolved Mysteries.

“Sergeant Johnson, Princess Twilight Sparkle’s manor is just this way!” Flash Sentry called from further down the street. Johnson realized he had been standing there staring at Sugar Cube Corner longer than he originally thought.

“Don’t worry, I’m on my way.” Johnson lit a second cigar and stared at the bakery suspiciously.

The human could have sworn he heard strange dancing music coming from inside, and multi-hued confetti taped to the windows. In addition, the skull icon flashed briefly in his periphery. It couldn’t have all just been mere coincidence. Grunting with semi-dismissive apprehension, Johnson reluctantly rejoined Sentry’s group on their journey through the town.

***

Twilight’s royal residence stuck out instantly amid the surrounding buildings and properties like a chunk of ice in the middle of a rainforest.

Quite unlike the cozy, humble rural architecture for which the town was famous for, this manor house stood tall, proud, and imposing over its neighbors. Three stories high, it was erected in the Canterlot fashion, which made the house an instant pinnacle of Equestrian craftsmanship.

The exterior was a palette of predominately whites and golds with the occasional splash of purple and silver from drapes, windowsills, and shutters. The black tiled roof was tall and graceful, accented by the occasional turret or chimney, as well as a clever system of gutters and miniature aqueducts that carried rainwater away to parts unknown from Sergeant Johnson’s vantage point out front.

The entire manor and grounds, located conveniently close to Town Hall, was separated from the public spaces by a perimeter of polished granite and limestone walls. They were topped with a much shorter wrought iron fencing, which also comprised the makeup of the main gate. Well tended moss draped over the surrounding walls and exterior of the manor at pleasing locations. Trimmed hedges and orderly shrubs lined the side of the house, and Johnson could just make out what resembled a miniature grove of verdant trees around back.

Approaching the entry gate, Johnson took note of a violet-colored, six-pointed star banner peering prominently down at him from its perch above the front door.

Two of the Royal Guards moved ahead of their Captain and opened the gate for the rest of them. Two additional guards who had already been their gave them all pleasant greeting, before resuming their patrol of the grounds.

Everyone ascended the marble steps, fringed by elaborately cut balustrades. With their sheer detail, everything just seemed too out of place in such a quaint, quiet rural town. While the guards proceeded to repeat the process they had utilized to open the gate a second ago, Johnson scrutinized the entrance.

Even it had no expense spared in its design. The sturdy double doors-both of handsome oak-were flanked by two columns holding up a sizeable arch. Within the arch were several carved reliefs of the various species of pony engaging in various poses, each carving cut down to the most minute amount of detail. The doors themselves were accented by twin handles, and a single polished brass knocker on the upper midsection of the right door.

The doors had so much shine and varnish applied on them, Johnson was certain one would slip and fall if they were to put it on the ground and attempt to walk across it. He had seen such old-fashioned architecture only in old movies and internet vids. The massive amount of opulence and grandeur threatened to overwhelm his eyes.

As the pair of guards and their colleagues neared the doors, Sentry paused at their rear and turned to look at Johnson. “Alright, Sergeant Major. You’re about to meet the local ruler, the Princess of Ponyville.

Sentry’s face became as no-nonsense as Johnson’s default expression. “While she may be the junior of the Alicorn rulers, and will likely attempt to dissuade you from doing so, I encourage you to address her the same way you have addressed Celestia and Luna in the past. There is royal protocol and tradition to be observed, after all.”

Quickly, Flash switched to his native friendly expression and accent on a dime. “I’m sure it’s nothing you should have trouble handling, Johnson.”

Finally having taken his fill of the architecture, Johnson puffed the last of his cigar and prepared to reply. One of the unicorn guards at his side promptly teleported the cigar away for him.

“Ayep. I’m familiar with addressing authority with proper respect. Let’s get things in motion.” Johnson paused, forgetting something. “Oh, Sentry, before we go inside....your face.” He grinned.

Sentry flashed him a look that effectively said ‘Oh shit’, and he had a unicorn guard, the same one, erase the offending marker drawing loitering on his muzzle.

“Good on you, Johnson! Good on you chap!” The Captain was speaking Canterlot-ese again. Johnson silently decided would never get used to how quickly Flash Sentry could switch between accents like that, no matter how much time he might spend around him in the foreseeable future.

Without further ado, the guards gracefully knocked on the door. There was a brief moment of awkward silence as they all stood there, awaiting a response.

At last, the group heard hoofsteps from the inside. There was a jangling of a heavy chain, the loosening of deadbolts, and then finally the right door opened with a hefty groaning of thick wood and metal. Johnson and the others beheld the tuxedo-wearing form of a butler.

The unicorn, of whom Johnson reckoned to be in his late middle ages, had a dining towel draped smartly over the curve of his left foreleg, and a piece of parchment with quill hovered in the air before him. In addition to his handsome suit that ended in white tassels on his back, the stallion donned a pair of black loafers, possessed a cutie mark resembling a musical note, and his greying mane was neatly slicked in a style typical of servants of aristocracy.

“Yes?” He greeted them in a posh, heavily exaggerated accent that rivaled Sentry’s own. Why slightly gravelly with age, the stallion’s voice still had a pleasant ring to it, accent notwithstanding. Suddenly, his violet eyes twinkled in recognition. “Ah, Captain Sentry, for what do I owe the honor of your visit?”

“We’re here to hold audience with Her Majesty shortly, Mister Melody. I have here with me, the hero Princess Luna has spoken with Her Majesty at length about.”

Taking that as his cue, Johnson took off his cap and held out a hand to the butler, smiling lightly. “Name’s Avery Johnson, Sergeant Major. It’s a pleasure.”

Mister Melody appeared genuinely surprised at the human’s gesture. He stammered out his response as they both shook. “Err, yes, yes to you as well. Oh my, a Sergeant Major, but of what army, old boy?” Melody regained enough of his composure to let out a hearty chuckle, setting the quill and paper down on a lectern near him.

“Well certainly not the Equestrian Army I’d wager?”

“Afraid not sir, at least not at the moment. Up until recent events, I was a soldier in the United Nations Space Command Defense Force, kicking alien ass in another universe. That’s my life service record in a spiffy little nutshell, Mister Melody.”

The butler took in the minute information with eyes of bewilderment, before once again regaining a calmer air. Finally, he replied. “This UNSC sounds like it was quite an impressive force.”

Johnson winked. “Oh, if only I could share with you all the true power of the Corps!” He sighed in resignation. “Ah, but that’s from another world. Hell, probably from another time period even. It’s all for the better I suppose.”

Mister Melody looked around for a moment at the pegasi and unicorns behind Johnson and Sentry, eyeballing their silver and gold armor. “You know Sergeant Major, my daughter always likes to play her cello around the parade grounds up in Canterlot when she’s not on tour. She often visits me with tales of an army that’s in need of proper leaders.”

“It is said that the Princesses have favored the Royal Guard for so bloody long, that our Army suffers for it. There is opportunity there for you, Sergeant Major. Of that, I am certain.” The butler ended with a wink before Flash Sentry caught his attention.

Armies were like muscles in a way. If they are neglected and not allowed to flex their power to its full potential from time to time, they run the risk of wasting away or worse-turning into fat. Of this, Avery Johnson was more than aware.

Johnson’s smile grew, as he knew what the old butler was getting at. One thing was certain to the Sergeant, his imminent involvement with Equestria’s military forces was almost a definite certainty; if not an unavoidable eventuality.

“Well, while I’m sure that interests the Sergeant quite considerably, Mister Melody, I simply must insist that we commence his audience with Princess Sparkle as soon as possible.” Sentry had a sting to his words, hinting at a slight vexation of his.

Instantly, the cheerfulness from the old stallion’s face vanished, replaced instead by professionalism. There was a uniform monotony to his weathered features, no doubt from years of constant practice. “Her Majesty is not here at the moment, good sir. I’m afraid to inform you, that Princess Sparkle is still investigating the odd phenomena occurring at the local Sugar Cube Corner store.”

“Could we perhaps at least have dialogue with her assistant Spike then?”

“He is currently at the Princess’ side as we speak.”

“Oh, ugh well then, could we perchance remain here for her return then, perhaps? Would that be acceptable, Marius? Mister Johnson here has traveled a long way by train and I’m sure he would enjoy a moment or two of respite, is that not right?” Flash Sentry tilted his helmeted head at Johnson with an eyebrow raised.

“No, it would make more sense to just go to the Princess directly.”

“Why not just seek Princess Sparkle out directly?”

Johnson and Melody had spoken in unison, and they both shared a smile only two cut-to-the-chase pragmatists would be able to form. Sentry now had both eyebrows raised, looking from the human to the unicorn in exasperation. “Very good, off to Sugar Cube Corner it is, then.” Flash Sentry said with a sigh of defeat. He stamped his hoof on the marble stoop to catch his guards’ attention. Their ears perked up and they instinctively gave salutes.

“Good day, Marius Melody.” Sentry called out as he and the guards trotted down the stairs and up the rosebush-lined stepping stone path to the gate. Johnson was slow to catch up, hesitating.

“Little royal blighters, think they’re too good for Celestia’s Army.” Mister Melody grumbled under his breath. He noticed Johnson still lingering halfway down the path. “Oh, yes?”

Johnson shot another smile at him. “It was a pleasure Mister Melody, you seem like the type that have your head on straight. I’ll see you around.” The human quickly jogged off after Sentry.

Melody stood there, waving in bemusement. “What a strange fellow.” The heavy oak doors telekinetically closed behind him with a definite thud, like a judge's gavel.

***

Suspicion dominated Sergeant Johnson’s mind again as he and the others stood in front of Sugar Cube Corner. The streets were still busy and bustling, nothing abnormal or out of place there. Merchants still hawked their wares from nearby stalls, and everything positively screamed, ‘business as usual’.

That was, save for one small detail. Nobody approached the pleasant looking establishment willingly. It was obviously open for business, lights could be seen spilling out from the confetti-laced windows, and the strange dance music that had accosted Johnson’s ears earlier did so again.

“Ugh, that racket is going to drive half the town bonkers in no time!” Sentry nearly shouted, covering his ears as they moved to enter.

“Believe it or not, I’ve heard worse. Some human music would probably make you drop dead.” Johnson replied with an air of certainty, having to raise his voice slightly as well.

“No doubt.” Sentry pushed open the door, and allowed his guards to troop in first, before he and Johnson entered. “I wonder what in Tartarus the Cakes are up to playing something like this, I thought they were just simple bakers, and...” Flash stopped dead. “What in Celestia’s name?”

“Birthday Party skull nearby.”

“Sweet...mercy...” Johnson added. Both of their jaws dropped in almost comical proportions. The Royal Guards slowly backed away, their forelegs raised in nervousness.

The candy shop and bakery had been turned into something akin to a hybrid Manehattan nightclub, and a children’s party supply store that had just been ransacked by burglars.

Confetti was strewn over almost every conceivable stretch of the checkered floor, while streamers, a plethora of colored balloons, and more falling confetti dominated the ceiling. Upon several of the tables, sat the crumbs and wrappers of what Johnson reasoned were once delicious pastries, candies, cakes, and other sugary delicacies favored by Equestrians the world over.

None of this was what particularly threw them all off however. What did, was the inhabitants of the room.

Johnson recognized Pinkie Pie at once. She was to his right, near one of the booths where customers would normally sit at. Pinkie Pie was doing some type of strange dance that seemed choreographed to the music. She climbed atop the table, standing straight up on her hind legs and pumping her forelegs in the air like a punk rocker. Pinkie was grinning, and her eyes were alight with mirth.

The Cakes were on the opposite side of the large room, and were doing a similar dance as Pinkie Pie. What customers there were, seemed to be dancing as well. In addition to them, a white-coated unicorn with sun glasses was operating a turntable near Pinkie Pie. If any of them noticed the newcomers, they did not indicate it.

“Birthday Party Skull has been located.”The skull icon returned, flashing as energetically as ever. “Collect us.”

“What the hell’s going on in here?” Johnson inquired loudly, mentally scowling at the skull talking to him.

At the far end of room, straight ahead, was someone or something hiding under a conjured magic shield. It’s surface pulsated with a lavender-violet aura. From within, a feminine voice shouted. “Who is that?”

“Shhh, what if its more of those weird phantom things, do you want them to hear us?” A second masculine voice hissed, barely audible amid the din of the dance music. The feminine voice under the shield groaned in frustration, but said nothing more.

Sentry ventured a step forward. “We are here with Sergeant Johnson! Your Majesty, are you...”

There was a loud scratching noise as the unicorn disk jockey abruptly stopped the track, cutting off both the music and Flash Sentry mid-sentence.

All the 'party goers' finally acknowledged their presence, and each gave Johnson and the Royal Guards creepy grins. Without warning, they increased the pace of their dancing as the unicorn DJ started the music back up. They quickly began to form a rough circle around the room, with everyone facing the center.

To Johnson and Sentry’s further dismay, a wink of light erupted in the center of the party circle. When it dissipated, a skull appeared. It wasn’t alone either. With it, warped in a small group of incorporeal pegasi warriors. Their armor was barely distinguishable, and their faces were obscured, save for identical pairs of glowing white eyes.

The pegasi ghost soldiers nonchalantly wandered about, occasionally breaking into dance with some of the living party goers, or flaring about drunkenly, ghostly tankards of an unknown alcohol poorly balanced in their transparent wings. None of them paid any attention to Johnson or his companions.

All the Sergeant and the Royal Guards could do was merely stand there, scratching their heads and fondling their weapons cautiously. Everything became even weirder, when the skull summoned up more ghostly guests.

A few transparent humanoid figures appeared on the opposite side of room. Like the pegasi, they were donning some type of body armor or plating. The details of their faces and overall shape were heavily obscured. Only their white eyes could be made out with definitive detail. Also like the pegasi, many of the spectral soldiers appeared to be in the midst of merrymaking and revelry.

For a few seconds, Johnson watched the motley assortment of entities in the room throw a rather bizarre party, then Pinkie Pie seemed to finally notice Johnson’s presence. She stopped dancing and walked up to him, still grinning.

“Hey, it’s Johnson and the Captain again! Hi there, you’re all late to the party you silly-billies! But lucky for you, we’re getting ready for the main event now!” Pinkie Pie said.

“M...main event?” Flash Sentry murmured shakily, heavily disturbed by the sudden paranormal manifestation of revelry spirits before his very eyes.

“Uh huh, the Birthday Party Skull tells me it was just getting started!” Pinkie Pie sneezed out a hefty amount of confetti. She quickly recovered and bounced twice. “Say, do you guys like party games?”

Holding his hands at his hips warily, Johnson replied. “Sure. What kindof games?”

“I dunno, let’s find out!” Pinkie Pie turned back to face the skull, and Johnson, Sentry, and the guards followed suit. The music picked up, and suddenly the excrement hit the proverbial fan.

Dropping his ghostly flagon of ale, one of the humanoid ghosts finally seemed to notice the presence of the pegasi. He reeled back and pointed a gauntleted finger at the pony specters. “Ahh! Equinoki, pegazah!” The soldier and his fellows drew instruments resembling pistols.

The pegasi soldiers also jumped backed in surprise, hastily equipping similar weapons in their wings. One of the larger pegasi had a saddle appear on his back. Attached to it were twin heavy rifles. “Eh, contacts! The enemy reveals itself my brothers! You’re dragons aren’t around to save you this time fools!” The ghost shouted. “Shoot to kill, shoot to kill!”

In a heartbeat, both ghost squads fired their weapons at each other, not bothering to take cover. The projectiles reminded Johnson instantly of Covenant plasma pistols and rifles, but far more sophisticated.

“Oh no, the ghost people are back, and they’re going at it again too!” The masculine voice under the shield whined.

“Don’t worry, they’ll all be gone again in a little while.” The other occupant declared.

“Crap!” Sentry shouted, trying to drown out the intense music. “Guardsponies, on me, ready your weapons!” Both he and Johnson took cover behind a vacant table they overturned. The other guards either retreated to the cover of the doorway, or overturned another table and settled there.

Flash Sentry chanced a peek over cover. All could note before his fearful instincts forced him to duck again, was that none of the spectral warriors’ projectiles did any damage to the living, nor to the environment around them, passing through them instead.

Whenever a ghost’s round impacted another, the specter cried out in pain, confetti and loose ectoplasm vented out instead of blood.

A pegasus ghost was struck in the head by one of the humanoid ones, who shouted in triumph. “Aehta Tudjesa!” The pegasus disintegrated into a pile of ectoplasmic goop, but not before his enemy joined him on the floor when the large pegasus’ heavy rifles blew the biped away.

Some of the ghosts did not even possess firearms, and instead used their tankards, bottles, or even spectral party supplies as impromptu weapons in the skirmish.

From cover, Johnson watched the theatrics continue. The ‘party goers’ were still dancing, the DJ was still playing, and the battle dragged on. Every time a ghost soldier was hit in the head, a popping noise issued out with a rush of confetti, followed soon after by the disembodied sounds of cheering children.

Pinkie Pie stood near Johnson, out in the open. She observed the strange warfare with a grin, and giggled with delight whenever a head shot occurred near her.

A humanoid soldier fell right in front of Pinkie Pie. She curiously picked up his pistol in her hoof. The weapon’s trigger housing was far too small for her to grasp it. “Hey, let me see that.” The Sergeant said quickly.

“Okay. These sure are some of the weirdest party favors I’ve ever seen!” Pinkie Pie remarked cheerfully, handing it over.

“You’re telling me.” Johnson replied back. He hefted the spectral gun in his hands, surprised that he could actually hold it. The weapon pulsed with energy in his hand like a plasma pistol, yet it handled almost like an M6 magnum. He stood up and aimed the pistol.

“What are you doing?” Sentry asked urgently.

“Crashing this party, it’s getting old fast!”

Flash Sentry nodded, and motioned to his guards to collect the weapons of the fallen ghost pegasi nearest them. Johnson fired a bolt of plasma at the nearest humanoid. It caught the soldier in his chest.

“Ooooaah!” Dramatically, the spirit clutched at his chest and toppled over, disintegrating. The biped left mostly confetti in his wake.

“Party’s over you dumb spectral bugs! This place is meant for the living!” Johnson shouted. His and the Royal Guards’ confiscated ghost pistols fired at the same time all around the room.

Two minutes past as party ghost after party ghost was struck down by plasma fire. Finally, only the saddled pegasus and a single biped soldier were left remaining. The pegasus had apparently run out of ammunition, and the humanoid had traded its gun for a pinata stick.

The pair stared at each other for a tense second before charging, getting into a wrestling bout.

In the center of the circle of ponies, the skull glowed with eldritch confetti emerging from its eye sockets. Without warning, the cranium zapped the two struggling spirits with its magic, turning them into one large biped donning a conical party hat and a mask in the distinct shape of the skull. The pinata stick, with no pinata to be found, had grown in size to fit properly in the being's massive hands.

Standing as tall as an M’Galekgolo, the party entity faced Johnson and roared, breaking into a charge.

Unlike its smaller counterparts, this ghost was able to manipulate the objects around it, and effect the living. Ponies scrambled out of the way, or were rudely shoved by the spirit as it advanced.

“What the hell is that?” Johnson shouted.

“Shoot it! Drop it, stop it, just everyone do something!” The male voice in the shield bubble pleaded.

Having reached their cover, the party beast peered down at Johnson through his mask and said in a deep thick, barely comprehensible voice. “Happy Birthday.” It then raised the large pinata stick high, intending to swing it down like a mace.

“Let em’ have it!” Johnson shouted.

Everyone fired plasma rounds at the beast. They hit it square in the chest, leaving confetti in their wake. The beast reeled back, trying to protect its masked face from fire. Another volley of plasma sealed its doom. The party beast emitted an ear-shattering roar and flailed its massive arms in the air, before exploding. Thousands of chunks of colorful confetti and buckets of goo splattered all across the floor. The green energy substance hung from surfaces almost like snot.

Laying the middle of the goop pile, was the skull itself. Wasting no time, Johnson rushed forward and collected the skull in his gloved hand. “You’re mine now, ya little bastard.”

On cue, the skull icon flashed once. “Birthday Party Skull acquired.”

At the same exact time, everyone inside Sugar Cube Corner seemingly returned to normal. There was a shriek from the direction of the Cakes.

“Who is going to clean this up! We can’t run a business with conditions like this!” Mr. Cake cried out. To the couple’s relief, the majority of the ectoplasm and confetti vanished at once. So as well did the spectral objects, weapons, and the skull itself.

“Oh, thank the stars that nightmare is over!” A rather flustered, ashen Captain Sentry proclaimed, still shaking from having seen ghost for the first time. Johnson patted him on the shoulder.

“You’re damn right its over! I’ll have to show that darn skull how to throw a real party sometime.” Johnson and Sentry nodded, then the human turned his gaze upon the magic shield. “Princess, you can all come out now. The ‘party’ is over.”

The shield quickly gave way with a quiet whir of energy. A short alicorn and a slightly shorter young dragon stumbled out and looked at the room in a slight daze. The Princesses’ magenta eyes darted warily from corner to corner, before resting on Johnson and the others.

“Oh, thank goodness! I thought we would have to stay under that shield for an eternity after that darn skull trapped us in here!” The Alicorn tilted her head slightly at Pinkie Pie. “Why didn’t you tell us this whole thing was caused by one of Discord’s skulls in the first place, Pinkie? You could have saved us a whole bucket load of trouble, and you made me miss my royal duty of welcoming Sergeant Major Johnson here!”

Pinkie Pie’s hair deflated slightly and she averted her eyes from the Princess. “I wasn’t completely sure it was a skull, Twily! I just assumed the Cakes had suddenly decided to throw some uber-epic super-duper dance party, and well of course I wanted to be a part of it!”

Ponyville’s ruler groaned in frustration. “Alright, alright Pinkie. I believe you.” Pinkie Pie cheered up largely at her words. Sighing, she turned to Johnson, and smiled warmly at him. “And you must be the Sergeant Major I presume, the one Luna has told me about?”

“In the flesh.”

The alicorn nodded. “Then on behalf of the citizens of this town, I’d like to personally offer my gratitude to you for collecting this skull and ending the Cake’s woes. Perhaps with the cursed artifact under your care, this town can return to some semblance of normalcy.” She held the other hoof to her muzzle. “Although I think I'll maintain that moratorium on confetti in this town for quite some time longer.”

“Psst, introduce yourself already! Give the official welcome” The dragon urged.

“Oh yeah! Your right Spike!” The Princess appeared slightly embarrassed for a second, chuckling lightly. “My apologies, my mind can be very...overactive sometimes.” She held out her hoof to Johnson.

“My name’s Twilight Sparkle, ruler of Ponyville and former student of Princess Celestia.” Twilight’s smile turned into a friendly grin, and she bowed her head, almost in a joking fashion, as if mocking the excess formality. “Hail to thee, Sergeant Johnson. I doth bid you welcome to our fair town of Ponyville.”

They both shook. "A pleasure, Princess Sparkle, a fine pleasure." Johnson withdrew his hand and folded his arms over his chest. "So, when shall we get down to business?"

"Ah yes, you were sort of 'posted' here by Celestia and Luna weren't you?" Johnson nodded.

"Alright, let us return to my manor first. This isn't really something I'd like to discuss in open public like this. Everything's too...state sensitive, you understand."

"Your Majesty, is there anything else you need, or will that be all of the Royal Guard you require?" Flash Sentry asked.

"No, I'm quite content Captain. You and your guards may be on your way to Canterlot at your leisure. My own guards can escort Spike, our guest, and myself back sufficiently." Based on Twilight's tone of voice, its possible there was a 'go, shoo!' left unspoken somewhere in her words. Sentry nodded quickly, saluted, then marched back towards the town's train station, his neat rank of soldiers following closely behind.

"Well, let us be off then, we should..." Twilight began, right as Pinkie Pie sneezed one last time into her hoof. This one was larger than any before it.

"Hey, guys..." Pinkie held something, and moved it around to show her and Johnson. "...lookie here! It's a note from Discord!"