The Criminal Escapades of Thick H. Boner and Running Riot!

It’s better to work for yourself!

Thick grunted again as he was struck in the face with a clutched Gryphon talon. Spittle flew from his lips and his body swayed back and forth on the chains he hung from. His best friend and partner in crime for the last two years, Nut Cracker (an Earth pony), hung bloody, bruised, and unconscious next to him, his breathing shallow.

This latest job was supposed to be simple: break into a popular young artist’s home, steal his latest works, and meet their employer on the outskirts of town. The artist had been taken care of by hiring a cute hooker to distract him, and with a little extra incentive she’d dropped a sleeping powder into his drink. As soon as he’d dozed off she emptied his wallet and unlocked the door, letting the two of them in. As she left she turned her head back at the pair and blew Cracker a kiss, who smiled and trailed his eyes over her plot (only to be jabbed in the side by Thick).

Once inside the shop the two took out the black and white photographs of the medium-sized paintings they were looking for and then split up. Though the photos were black and white, each of the art pieces had a different design which made it easy to identify them.

One was of a one-winged Gryphon that stood atop a mountain peak on its hind legs gazing down at the lands below it, its front legs crossed. A second depicted princess Celestia holding a small sun and a small moon on the frog of each hoof with their little world floating in front of her, her face serene, and beautiful as always. The third looked like a shattered mirror standing in its frame with each fragment displaying a different location. The fourth and final painting was incomplete and they were supposed to drag a cheese grater across until the canvas was shredded and ruined.

This particular part seemed an incredible waste to Thick, and felt as if their temporary boss had a grudge against the young artist. Neither of the two friends had wanted any details though, so neither had asked. Sometimes asking for more information than was necessary tempted their employer to pay them a little less for being nosy.

The first three were in the shop itself on display on the walls. The last was in a small workshop behind the store front. Neither of the two had brought a cheese grater, so Nut went into the artist’s kitchen to look for one. In the meantime Thick went upstairs into the artist’s actual home and began drawing on their mark’s face. While not much of an artist himself, he had little trouble doodling a stick-pony half inside the mouth of Thick’s victim. As an afterthought, he even added a small speech bubble of it screaming for help.

“I’m done, Thick!” Nut called up to him. “Let’s go!”

Leaving the house was easy. Leaving the town without being noticed was a little more difficult, but still simple enough, if a bit time consuming as the pair occasionally had to take cover in an alleyway to avoid unwanted curious eyes.  It wasn’t until they’d made it two miles outside of town that they made their first mistake: they relaxed, and that was when Nut Cracker tripped over a stone wedged between the planks of a small bridge they were crossing over and ultimately ended up going over the side, taking the paintings with him into the water. Needless to say, he was soaked, and the paintings were ruined.

It was this little mishap that had turned their payment into a punishment, and Thick prayed beginning to fear that neither himself nor his friend were going to exit the large shed they hung suspended in alive.

As the Gryphon raised a fisted talon once more to strike Thick, the rotting door to the old shed opened and their employer, a well-dressed and expressionless Unicorn stepped in, skirting a few drops of blood on the floor.

“That’s enough.” He said, sounding bored. “Throw some ice water on the two of them, and let them go.”

“Sir?” The Gryphon said, sounding a bit disappointed. “I thought you wanted me to make an example of them to your other employees.”

“A living example ensures both the punished as well as unpunished to be more cautious with their assignments. The only thing a dead example inspires in others is the sudden urge to report my…business ventures to the authorities. Paying off the town’s patrol ponies can grow to be quite expensive, and I’d rather avoid that if I can.” The Unicorn stepped closer to Thick and Nut, his face going from blank to a sneer. Speaking with false concern, he continued, addressing Thick and Nut directly. “I’m told that water can be quite unsafe for Earth Ponies. I suggest you try finding work in a drier climate.”

As the Unicorn left the shed Thick and Nut were lowered uncaringly from their position in midair to the floor marked by an audible thud. Their chains were removed, and, as the Unicorn had instructed, the pair of ponies were splashed with well water chilled by the after-midnight air. Finally, their abuser left them to their pain, and one another’s company.

__ __ __ __ __

Nut Cracker was, and as far as I’m concerned always will be my best and most reliable friend. Well, most reliable stallion friend. He was loyal, strong, and smart, though  as I’m sure you’ve guessed from the part with the harlot he tended to think with something other than his brain when attractive females were around.

Anyway, after that day Nut Cracker and I parted ways and he left the burglary business for good, but I don’t hold it against him. Thievery isn’t always an easy job, and sometimes, as with the story I just told you, it can be hazardous to your good health!