Wants Become Needs

“Thus the sun sets on all of Equestria.” Solar Flare said, finishing his royal duty as he watched the sun sink below the horizon, his younger brother’s moon emerging behind him in the opposite window.

The suite was comfortable, and a fire was roaring in the grate, occasionally snapping as the flames hit a globule of sap. Dusk Shine sat in a chair across from his mentor, admiring him in a way. He’d been an alicorn for a few weeks now, and still he couldn’t so much as move a celestial body, let alone push one across the sky. Combatting homesickness had been hard for him at first, but living with Solar was a good distraction from a problem he’d been facing since he moved out of the library in Ponyville. He missed his friends, Butterscotch in particular. They’d shared a lot together, and he’d been a good friend to him. Somehow this new life as a prince wasn’t turning out as he’d hoped, and the endless mounds of paperwork that came with erasing his identity were beginning to chafe at his nerves.

It had been Lune’s idea, of course. He would have to erase all documents surrounding his life as a unicorn, down the records of birth, so that was there was no way to figure out where he’d come from in case of a political inquiry. It was more for his own friends’ protection, since he was now a target for a lot of ridicule that naturally came with being a public figure. It was proving to be a real pain, since he had to erase his bank accounts, purchasing records, hoof-prints, and that small blemish on his delinquency record owed to a mishap at Canterlot University. It had involved a rat, a failed potion, and a gigantic starving monster that had previously been the rodent tearing apart the lab he’d been working in.

As he sat there, Dusk Shine’s mind began to drift off, thinking of the one very brief moment in his life where he’d been offered some semblance of true companionship. Butterscotch had been trying to make a rare type tea for him, just as a birthday present, but somehow they’d ended up reading a book about the love life of a royal griffon. Dusk Shine shivered, recalling how close they’d been. Butterscotch had his wing over him, and he’d accepted the advance, making sure that he was sitting as close to the other stallion as possible. The fire, the slight smell of woodsmoke, and the aroma of Butterscotch’s mane, it made Dusk Shine think of how stupid he’d been, to just let the moment pass. They’d been so very close, they were under the same blanket by a fire on a soft carpet. He could have just asked his friend, just to listen to his problems.

“Something wrong, Dusk?” Solar asked, drawing the curtains shut on either side of the room with a flash of his horn. “You look like you need a drink.”

“I’m fine.” The new alicorn said, smiling through a pang of regret that was still echoing in his chest. “I’m… fine. What were you saying before I… wandered off?”

“Oh, so you confess something was on your mind that was more important.” The eldest prince admonished. “I was trying to tell you about the necessary arrangements behind your coronation. But, seeing as how you are predisposed, I guess we can stop this study session for the night.”

“No, really.” Dusk tried to bring himself back reality. “What were you trying to say?”

The prince scowled at his student, then pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes. His protégé was becoming more and more absentminded as time went on. Castle life was hard to get used to, but somehow Dusk Shine just wasn’t adjusting, even after three weeks. He could only be found in his study writing, or sleeping in his own chambers with all the doors locked. He felt like the prince was drifting off, becoming more immersed in his own fascinations than he was in the things that really mattered. For instance, he found a scroll on his desk left by his student, and on it was a detailed diagram of what changed during the transmutation of each of the three common equine races into one another. It was good, yes, and the measurements and diagrams were correct down to the seventieth decimal space after zero, but it wasn’t in any way related to what he’d been teaching Dusk Shine. It was just… busywork, something to distract his mind from a far more pressing matter that was consuming the young alicorn.

“I get the feeling that you need to tell me something that is more important than you’re letting on.” Solar said, taking his hoof from his face. With all the regality he possessed, he still sounded overly formal at times, and he felt that maybe he was putting off the aura of demand. Like he was pushing too hard on his student for answers, when it might be something trivial. Regardless, he needed to know so the problem could be resolved and Dusk Shine could resume his work. “You haven’t been yourself ever since you moved into the castle, and even before that you were wandering off. What has you so occupied that you can’t even focus on the pony standing right in front of you?”

Dusk Shine shrank back in his seat as Solar Flare leaned close, his eyes narrowed suspiciously. For a second he thought about it, about maybe telling his mentor what was consuming every available thought he had. It was eating him alive, but he didn’t want to stop thinking about it. He knew it was affecting his studies, but for the first time in his life this seemed more important that any book he could ever read, or any report he could ever give. It was first in his mind, and that scared him somehow. Never before had something consumed his attention so much, so easily derailing his train of thought. Then there was the simple fact that Solar Flare wouldn’t understand. His teacher was an extremely tolerant stallion, but empathy was something that he struggled with, having only ever had recollection of living as an alicorn. The prince in front of Dusk Shine just wouldn’t see it from his point of view. So, the young prince shook his head. It was a conversation for another time. Right now his personal life was on hold, and it could stay that way until his duties were caught up.

A candle lit Dusk Shine’s reading space, deep in the Canterlot Library. He was pulling another all-nighter, and nothing could be seen outside the pool of light that was cast in a five-foot wide circle around him. He hadn’t slept in five days. He swore he could see things at the edges of his vision, that the tiredness was getting to him. But he knew that wasn’t it; alicorns didn’t need to sleep. What was really bothering him was the volume he was reading. A tome detailing, in explicit detail, what befell a pony if a changeling hive were to capture them. It was graphic, and to most it was disturbing at a profound level. The reproductive cycle the creatures was the most unsettling thing that Dusk Shine could find, but somehow not even the horrendous placement of a changeling’s eggs inside of its host could distract him. He was trying to find anything that could pull his mind off of his loneliness. It was impossible for him; not a single thing he’d tried was able to distract him. Not a single book in the horror section of the library did the job, nothing was scary enough to occupy his attention long enough for him to check it out and get home.

He slammed the book shut, letting his head fall onto the reading desk with a thud. He groaned and let out a drawn-out breath. This just wasn’t working. He felt so tired, but full of life at the same time. Mentally he was exhausted, but his body kept telling him that he was fine. Not only that, but the library had closed three hours ago. As he turned his head to the side he saw the clock built onto the desk, reading two fifty in the morning. He blinked and suddenly it was four twenty. He sat up and looked around, seeing that the librarian was walking towards him, shaking her head disapprovingly. She knew him by name, and he did as well. She was well aware that he came here if he was having trouble sleeping, though she didn’t approve of him falling asleep on her books. How had time passed so fast?

He got up and left the library, unable to tell what was real anymore. What was wrong with him that nothing on this earth could catch his interest as much as the one problem he had? He was just a little lonely. Heartsickness wasn’t a real thing, was it? Just the other day he’d been thinking of Cadenza, his old foalsitter, and suddenly he was having a vivid daydream about him doing the most lewd things he could imagine. It made him feel like he was another one of the common stallions, who would accept any sort of relationship with anypony so long as it was legitimate. The alicorn hung his head as he caught shocked glances from the ponies around him, and even a few pointing hooves from young foals. He didn’t want to be there, but he couldn’t bring up the will to teleport away.

‘Yeah, go ahead.’ He thought to himself. ‘Point and laugh at the harlot.’

Finally, he was able to say the word to himself. Harlot. Synonyms included whore, slut and loose with their body. That was how he felt, having these lucid dreams about other stallions. The adding factor was the sheer wrongness of it all. He was a scholar, and he had an amazing sense of pride for himself. Why was he having these hallucinations about Solar Flare re-teaching him his own reproductive system, using himself as a model? The final nail in the coffin was that it was about other stallions. As far as he could remember he was straight, he liked mares. Why were these feelings coming up now, so late when he was already established as a well put together stallion? He closed his eyes as it began to rain, the cold raindrops piercing through his coat down to his skin. He wanted that. He wanted to feel like the gods were punishing him, because as far as he could tell, that was exactly what was happening, torturing him with musings of his teachers and friends and foalsitters acting like he was their property.

He made it to the castle across the courtyard a few minutes later, soaking wet and beyond all hope. All he wanted was to go to his rooms and shut himself into his study. The only thing that seemed to satisfy his wonderings without actually acting upon them was to write his fantasies down. He opened his wings, flicking drops of water onto the hard stone walls, then continued his steady trudge to his chambers. Nothing could make this day worse. So he had thought.

A moment later Butterscotch rounded the corner, nearly running directly into Dusk Shine. Instead of hitting him, the stallion in question reached his hooves out to stop himself, but ended up leaning on his friend for support, having shot too far to the right while trying to avoid the collision.

“Oh… uh, hi.” Butterscotch mumbled sheepishly, seeing his hooves were around the other stallion’s neck. “I’m sorry, but you came out of nowhere and… I flew all the way from Ponyville to ask you…”

Dusk Shine, using as much restraint as possible, disentangled his friend from himself, pulling his hooves off of him one at a time, biting his bottom lip. This wasn’t helping his day at all. Not only that, but the adoring look on the shy stallion’s face made him want to bite clean through his gum, for any reason to walk away. He loved but hated that expression, that devilishly idolizing stare that Butterscotch gave him every time they met. It made him lose the feelings in his hooves, at the same time his wings would begin to twitch and his cheeks would turn a bright shade of scarlet. The stare held him as the center of the other stallion’s universe, like he was all that mattered to the pegasus in front of him.

“I’m sorry to tell you this, but I’m really busy right now, Butterscotch.” Dusk Shine sighed, not meeting the yellow pony’s eyes directly. “Could this wait until some other time?”

“Well, of course… if that’s what you want.” The shy pegasus said, averting his gaze down to his hooves, scuffing one against the polished floor. “I wanted to ask you if you could teach me to make berry solutions. I hear they’re very healthy… but since you’re, um, busy it’s okay.”

Butterscotch’s voice tore the prince’s heart. He felt awful, disappointing his best friend for no other reason than to spare himself from confusion. After a moment the pegasus turned and walked away, leaving Dusk Shine to wallow in his own self-pity.

Dusk Shine shot straight up in bed, dragging in ragged gasps of air. He felt himself plastered to his lower stomach, and sweat pouring off of him in massive beads. He’d been making noises like an animal in his sleep, screaming somepony’s name. In his sleep-deprived state he couldn’t remember whom he’d been been fraternizing with in his subconscious mind, but whoever it had been they had been using him well. He was twitching madly, unsheathed and exposed to the rough woolen and flax sheets that provided a terrible, rough sensation to his loins. He couldn’t see his own organ, it was still under the sheets, but he could just imagine how stiff he was. He opened his wings and fanned himself like a pegasus mare in the depths of estrous, doing his best to slow his breathing, heart still hammering in his ears. It was the fifth time this month he’d been reduced to this, to just sitting in bed and recovering from some intense dream that somehow couldn’t push him over the edge.

Once he was calm, and he wasn’t sweating bullets, he leaned over to the edge of his bed and turned on the oil lamp. The room was washed in a warm light, the tan vanilla walls reflecting the glow while the dark green carpet absorbed it. His bed was a curtained four-poster, queen sized. He shook his head and picked up a notepad off his nightstand, sighing as he returned to a fully flaccid state beneath the sheets. His sheathe was once again doing its job as he began to write with magic, chronicling how he’d woken up, and whom he’d been dreaming of. There were seven columns, all with at least one tally in each. There were lists of specific ponies, and then there was other species, like changelings, hippocampi, even one for draconequi. At the bottom was one labeled ‘unknown’. This had the most tallies by far, and he added another to it as he set it back on the nightstand.

This was happening every time he fell asleep. It was like the sickness in his mind was consuming him, expanding at an exponential rate until every second of his day was consumed by these thoughts. This illness of thought, whatever it was, was turning him into something that he had previously hated. He’d hated those stallions whose only thoughts were of sex and dominance. His were slowly becoming that, but it wasn’t a dream of domination. He wanted to be the omega, the one being dominated.

“Gods, I’m becoming a whore.” He sighed and laid back down, thinking of trying to sleep.

Knowing that wasn’t going to happen, though, he rolled over to the other side of the bed and got up, stretching. He looked around at his writing desk, then his alchemy table. He had an idea all of the sudden, one that might allow for him to escape his nightmarish fantasies. He walked over to the alchemy table and reached below it to the shelves beneath, searching for a potion he’d devised for just such an occasion. Once he felt the correct bottle, he pulled up a light blue potion, seeing its label. It was partially poisonous, but he didn’t plan on taking a lot of it. He’d made it to be as strong as possible, and a drop could send a pony into a full-blown catatonic state. He sighed, wondering how it was coming to this. All he wanted was somepony to tell these things about… but nopony seemed to be the right one to tell. There just wasn’t a right time to explain himself without it feeling forced, not to mention awkward. He shrugged and set the bottle down, walking over to his kitchen. A single counter made up the room, which was directly off of his private quarters. He pulled out a measuring cup and turned to his fridge.

He looked inside of the fridge to find a whole lot of nothing. The only thing he could see was a pitcher of tea. It would have to do, because a moment later he pulled it out and poured himself a glass. Dusk Shine shook his head as he carried it into his room and unstoppered the potion. He poured exactly a tablespoon of the potion, knowing his dosage would have to be much higher now that he was an alicorn. He looked at the slightly luminescent liquid, spinning it around in the measuring cup before he downed it, the terribly bitter taste flooding his mouth and throat. He chased it down with his cup of tea a second later, sighing as the sweetness of it soothed his puckering tonsils. He turned to get back in bed, but he’d messed up his perception of just how fast-acting his potion was.

The last thing he remembered was falling over his own hooves on his way to bed, hitting his horn on the side of the bed with as loud crack. After that was only the darkness of a good night’s sleep, one he’d had to drug himself to achieve.