A Legend Crashes into Equestria

Chapters

Where's the Meat?
Corrupting the Youth
Part 1-- It's Nightmare Night B*tches!
Part Two-- I Really Hate Spiderses.
What is Swag?
The Desolation of Swag
Gogurt.
Spike da Dragon: Part 1
Spike da Dragon Part 2— A Nice Day
"...Kindness... huh...?"
A Hearth's Warming Exorcism: Part 1
Happy New Year!: Escape from the Crystal Empire.
Fenrir's Lament.
My Little Date! Moe! Kawaii! Tsundere! Desu! Desu! Desu! Desuasdfjlkjkwnewjdlfauwoefh...
I Hate These Ponies So Much
Sweet Dreams of a Tired Hero.
The Trotting Dead.
Snarl.
Train Jackassery: the Battle of the three Assholes and a Sucky New Year...
Fan On, Feces Thrown: The Beginning of the End.
The Conclusion: What Would Have Been if I Finished, Always and Never.
Losers.
I Will not Bow to Your Pagan Gods!
A Hearth's Warming Exorcism: Part 2— A Zigga Moment.
*REQUEST* I NEED YOUR CHARACTERS!
*ANNOUNCEMENT-ISH*

Where's the Meat?

The lost human ran up the narrow mountain path north of the arid steppes. Apparently, he just left what was known as The Badlands, and now he was running through Macintosh Hills. The predators from before were chasing him, but this time,he knew what they were.

They were raptors.

They were actual, living, impossible, raptors. He did not let himself get confused for sake of stumbling or losing his way. so he kept pressing up the hill, lobbing rocks at the raptors climbing after him to slow them down.

Unfortunately, the rocks did not help too much. They either missed entirely or struck glancing blows. At least he was near the top now. The end of the ascent spurred on a burst of energy, and he quickly ascended higher. As he placed a hand on the final ledge, he felt the rock shift, and the ledge crumbled beneath his grasp. He had a feeling of weightlessness before he fell, but something caught him before he could splatter on the ground below.

He watched the raptors below hiss in defeat as he was lifted to the top of the hills and released on safe ground. He wiped the sweat off his head, adjusted his glasses, and shook his head. He glanced to his side to see his savior: a gray, winged, four-legged-hero with yellow eyes which didn't quite line up the right way. Its faltering but wide smile betrayed the pain her limp wings were subject to.

"Hey, I'm Ditzy! Are you alright?"

It would take the predators a long time to climb as fast as he could, and he was in the clear, so he seemed to be alright for now. Before he could thank her, a jumping shadow briefly covered the sun. They quickly turned and saw that yet another raptor had sneaked up on them, from a completely different angle than the rest.

He shook his head as the book he carried underneath his jacket chuckled again, "What did I do to deserve this?"

"Lee..." Twilight cautiously asked, "what are you planning on doing with those?"

The items in question were the saddle, bridle and bit combo Lee menacingly brandished in his hands. Twilight's question and growing fear was met with a sadistically crooked grin, "You better run, because I'm about to do some kinky shit!"

Twilight shrieked and ran through her library/home, stumbling over herself to escape the maniacal human and his tools of horror. Lee cackled as he chased her by comically running with his arms held high, as if he were a Scooby Doo monster. This display continued until Twilight remembered that she had magic.

Twilight blinked away and reappeared under her bed upstairs. She smiles to herself, believing she had won. Twilight squirms out, and trots back down the stairs. What she didn't notice, was a certain maniac that had positioned itself on top of a bookshelf, like a leopard in a tree.

"SURPRISE BITCH!" Lee jumped onto Twilight's back, and quickly strapped on the riding equipment, "YEEEHAW!"

The sudden weight had thrown her off-kilter, "Aah!!!" Twilight began to stagger towards a bookcase, and Lee realized the danger he was in.

"Well, sh*t."

Twilight crashed into the bookcase, and the entire structure fell on top of the two in a cacophonous collapse of literature.

"Are you happy now?" Twilight huffed under a pile of books.

"Shut the f*ck up, you know that was funny."

This is the night of Lee's first stay in Ponyville. Lee's antics had overtaken the library's silence in a matter of 2 minutes. What did Spike think of it? He thought it was absolutely hilarious. What did Twilight think? She thought that she would never get any work done again. She might be right.

Sometime after the three cleaned everything up, they heard a knock at the door. Lee brushed himself off and opened the gate. There stood Pinkie Pie wearing a party hat and a clown nose.

"What?"

Pinkie took a deep breath and began to sing, "Thiiiiis is your singing telegram, I hope it reads you--"

"--NO. Just, no."

Pinkie frowned, "But, don't you wanna go to the Super-Spectacular-Welcome-to-Ponyville-Dinner?"

"Dinner?" the three denizens asked simultaneously.

"I thought you did parties and sh*t?"

Pinkie honked her nose, "That's NEXT week, our DJ is out of town, so it's just a dinner for now!"

Lee nodded and squeezed the clown nose, "Alright. Cool. Swag. What up. Wait, are we going now?"

"Of course, silly!"

Lee squinted and leaned in close, "So you're telling me to go to a dinner, before I can get ready? BEFORE you even ask if my schedule is CLEAR? Am I supposed to go in my F*CKING PAJAMAS?!"

Pinkie gave him a smile, "If you want to! I'm not even wearing clothes!"

Lee shrugged, "K', let's go." Lee looked back into the house, "Get your asses up, we're gonna SMASH some F*CKIN' FOOD!!!"

Lee thought it would be fun to drive Pinkie, Twilight and Spike to the restaurant. Did Lee use his law-breaking speeds and maneuvers? Of course he did. The question is, did the others enjoy it? Pinkie sure did. Spike looked green where he was usually purple, and Twilight vomited into a nearby trash can as soon as the car stopped. So they probably did not have too much fun. Did Lee care? Not a single bit.

Pinkie bounced ahead of the rest, pointing at the restaurant, "This place is great! It's so good, that Mayor Mare is having them do the catering for Nightmare Night!

The restaurant on scene was a fairly busy eatery called, "Stringy Linguine's". It looked like one of those Italian themed places that Lee was so accustomed to. When Lee, Pinkie, Spike and Twilight walked strolled inside, their feet clacking against the red and white checkered floors. The rest of the Elements called out to them from across the restaurant. They were seated in a party-size, circular booth, with just enough room for the others.

A delicious smell wafted across the nostrils of the occupants as an appetizer was carried out by a waitress pony from the counter, even the manager came along to welcome them. The manager was a tall, skinny, beige-colored stallion with a Mario mustache and a close cropped mane. His cutie mark was a plate of romana covered linguine.

"Hi, Linguine, we're back for another dinner party!" Pinkie waved.

"I see." Linguine said with a forced smiled and a very forced Italian accent. "Always happy to see you at my high class eatery." His eyes briefly turned cold, but he turned away and trotted back into the kitchen. Lee ignored his douchiness, but the others didn't seem to notice. They were all focused on the appetizers.

Lee took in the scent and identified it as a type of nacho and cheese combination. He sat down and thought to himself, 'This dinner's startin' to look pretty good right now'.

"Thanks for the food, y'all." thanked Lee, to the surprise of the ponies.

Applejack smiled and shook her head, "Aw, hush, sugar cube, there's no need for that."

Even Fluttershy, who had been too scared of his high volume and anger to approach Lee, said a few words, "Oh, it was all Pinkie's idea! I didn't really do anything other than cower."

Nachos were coming, the ponies were warming up to Lee, and no one had gotten hurt. Lee actually thought he was going to enjoy himself here. Maybe this night is gonna turn out just fine for the misplaced human after all.

The dinner was an disaster. Lee is enraged, Fluttershy is in tears, Rarity is hysterical, Lee had decked the restaurant's manager, and Stringy Linguine's is probably gonna get shut down because of the incredibly disgusting hygiene infractions discovered by Lee's rampage. Then a spirit of pestilence attacked. Perhaps we should back it up a bit.

After the nachos were finished, it was time to move on to the main course of the dinner. Lee ordered their three-cheese alfredo pasta, because, well, who doesn't love alfredo?

The food took quite a bit of time to arrive, but no one wanted to spoil the mood by complaining. Everyone seemed to have ordered some sort of Italian fare that the restaurant was themed after.

Before they dug in, Pinkie clinked her glass with a spoon, unintentionally shattering it. "To our new friend, Lee!"

Everypony (and Spike) raised their glasses, "To Lee!"

Lee grunts in approval, "To me, bitch." Cheers were heard around the table, and then they tucked in.

Twilight happily munched on her lasagna, "Wow, I forgot how great Linguine's... was. Is this pasta still frozen?"

"They have the most awesome sandwiches!" Rainbow Dash said while chewing on her daisy and pesto on Italian bread.

Rarity cringed at her table manners, "Chew with your mouth closed, dear." Rarity looked to Lee next, "How are you enjoying your alfredo, Lee?"

No response came from Lee, only silence. He was staring at his plate of alfredo with a look of sheer contempt. Something was about to go very, very wrong.

Spike nudges Lee, "Are you okay? You sorta just zoned out."

Lee pointed at his plate, "Are there oats and f*cking flowers in this?"

Applejack raised an eyebrow, "Well, what else didja' expect to be in pasta asides the noodles?"

Lee slammed his fist down on the table, "I expected not to be given RABBIT FOOD. Where's the damn MEAT?!"

A collective gasp rose from the entire restaurant. Some dropped whatever they were holding, others swooned, and the rest ran away.

"Uh, it'd be a bad idea to mention that here, hun'." Applejack whispered to Lee.

Fluttershy cringed in shock and fear, beginning to inch away from Lee, "You... eat cute little animals as food?"

Twilight Sparkle sighed as she remembered an important piece of information, "That's right, I forgot that humans are omnivorous."

Spike snickered, "Remember when I was that weird dog, and you ate that bur—" before being promptly gagged by Twilight's hoof.

Twilight gave her attention back to the angered human.

She tried to break the news as softly as possible, "Sorry about that, Lee. As you can see, Ponyville, and most of Equestria, for that matter, has a manly herbivorous diet. Meaning that meat is sorta hard to get around here... heh heh..."

Lee shakily put his hands on his head, "So what you're telling me... is that I won't ever be able to consume delicious and nutritious meat ever again? And that I'm stuck eating cakes and flowers and sh*t?"

He didn't even give Twilight a chance to answer.

"That... " He jumped from his chair, and released the beast we all know and love, IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT!"

"But... why would you ever want to eat cute animal friends!" Fluttershy cried, on the verge of tears.

"Because they're F*CKING delicious! You ever had this gift from God?! Deer, squirrel, rabbit, BEEF, I've had it all! Mmmmm, it's all yummy in MY F*CKING TUMMY!"

Fluttershy's dam of liquid sadness instantly broke, showering Applejack and Rainbow in tears, ruining their dashes at the same time.

Finally, Linguine arrived to see to the chaos Lee had caused.

"Hey!" He shouted in his incredibly forced Italian accent, "Why are you making so much of the ruckus! I'm tired of this pink one always bringing the ruckus everytime she come!"

Twilight raised her hooves, "He's just not used to Equestrian fare!" Twilight quickly answered, "And to be fair, his alfredo does look very overcooked, I'm pretty sure this isn't real cheese, my lasagna tastes half frozen, our food took a little too long to get here, AND the ambience of this place can't seem to decide what it wants... I'm kind of a restaurant buff, sorry." Lee found it nice that she tried to defend him. She might get a fist-bump later.

Linguine snorted, "Oh, believe me I can tell, I heard ze everything! He's one of those meat-eating-monsters!"

Lee gave him a funny look, "Hey..."

"I should have never let you ponies bring this monster to my restaurant!" then Linguine directed his tirade towards Pinkie, "And then there's you. My restaurant used to be a place with the quiet, with the honor, with the class... but every time YOU COME, YOU make my baby more and more like the foal's playground! Can't you see that nobody wants you here?!"

Pinkie deflated under the harsh words and sank low into her seat.

"I SAID, HEY!"

Linguine gave him the attention he asked for, along with an insult, "WHAT?! What is it you stupid, ugly monster!"

Lee did a double take, and balled his fists up, "THE F*CK YOU SAY TO ME?!?!"

"You heard me, mon--"

WHAM!

The force of Lee's tackle sent the two skittering across the restaurant and flying straight Linguine's kitchen door. Lee got up, brushed himself off, and received a disgusting revelation. A rodent was standing on the counter before him, a chef's hat strapped to its head. It innocently squeaked and went back to its duty.

The kitchen was run by rats. The chefs, the dish wipes, the vegetable cutters, they were all rats.

He grabbed a rat that was boiling sauce and ran back into the restaurant.

He presented the rat to the patrons, shouting. "RATS ARE COOKING YOUR FOOD!!! THIS N*GGA'S GOT RATS, COOKING THE FOOD THAT YOU F*CKING EAT!!!"

Everypony either vomited or left the restaurant screaming. Rarity on the other hand, threw her food aside and began muttering to herself, talking about how vileness had pervaded her insides. What did Lee do? He flipped tables, yelling 'YOLO' repeatedly.

Lee looked back at Linguine's moaning figure, still plastered to the kitchen floor, and flipped him off, "You just got punk'd, B*TCH!"

Lee crab-walked back to his friend-ponies. "I take back that 'thank you'."

Everyone laughed or rolled their eyes, even Fluttershy had stopped crying.

Lee took notice of this, "So you don't care that I bite the heads off of fuzzy little animals? Well, I'm not Ozzy Osbourne, I don't bite their heads off, but you get the point."

"Well, Twilight explained to me that your species diet is omnivorous, like bears!" Fluttershy reasoned, "So if I think about you like an animal, then it's alright...!... is that okay?"

"No, but whatever floats your boat and whatever stops that f*cking crying. I mean... just... damn."

Spike belched, "Excuuuse me. I guess the rats didn't bother me!"

Everyone simply said, "Ewwww..."

Spike shrugged and started to walk to the exit, "Hey, it's all about... uh... guys? Something's up with Linguine."

"SIT DOWN dragon whelp!" grumbled an entirely different and guttural voice from Linguine's body.

The dragon whelp did just that, but everypony rose in alarm.

Linguine's form shakily stood up, his limbs bending in unnatural ways, bone cracking and rearranging, bulging through his greasy coat, and his eyes as hollow as a lifeless scarecrow.

His head creaked towards the ponies and smiled, "What's wrong? You look as if you've seen a monster?"

"Linguine," Twilight asks cautiously, "what's going on?"

The rats began to creep out of the kitchen and surround Linguine, "I'LL tell you what's going on! You all ruined, EVERYTHING!!! MY BUSINESS IS WORTHLESS NOW!!!"

"What the f*ck did you think was gonna happen? What kind of a stupid business uses rats as 90% of the staff?!" Lee retorts.

The rats were starting to crawl onto Linguine in masses, "Do you realize how LONG it took to build all this reputation, all this trust from these stupid ponies?!?!"

That was when all the rats literally poured into his mouth. They raced, clawed, and climbed over one another, fighting to clamber into the ever-expanding and unhinging mouth of the monstrous proprietor.

Lee almost vomited in disgust, as did the rest of his crew. Linguine's body took a series of convulsions as it morphed into something completely different. Linguine's skin began to sprout multiple tiny hairs, tearing through his former flesh and coat as his true form ripped through his old body. Two enormous,yellow, rotten fangs blistered through his mouth, the weight of the teeth causing his head to dip towards the ground.

He was a giant, disgusting, patchy, mangy, rat.

"I waited SO long, SO patiently. AND NOW YOU'VE RUINED IT ALL!"

This was too much for the hero.

"F*CK THIS SH*T." Lee yelled as he ran out the door, leaving the other ponies dumbstruck by his sudden act of cowardice.

Rainbow ground her teeth and flapped into the air, "That coward, even Fluttershy didn't run!"

"Why would I run from a giant rat? It's ten times the cuteness!" Fluttershy cheered, "Although he is a bit smelly... and mangy... and evil."

Applejack, showing no fear, sauntered closer to the smelly beast, "What the hay are you, anyway?!"

Linguine cackled, sending his putrid breath wafting into everypony's face, "I'll go ahead and explain. I'm one of the last Virats!"

"Virats..." Twilight muttered, "Wait! I remember hearing about them!" Twilight charged to the forefront, along Applejack's side, "They were like the Windigoes, except they grew stronger off the sick and bad health of ponies. The latest mention of them was sometime after Equestria was founded, but before Discord's defeat. Our medical fields became so advanced through magic, they were almost never heard from again!"

"Correct, Twilight!" Linguine applauded, "Everything is true. I am one of the last... but I've been waiting. I created this restaurant, to gain the trust and popularity of the ponies here. I would eventually poison every last one of them through the the Nightmare Night Feast. Once I did, I would have grown stronger, and more Virats would spring forth! "

Spike raised an eyebrow, "Why didn't you just poison the water supply?"

"Because..!" the Virat scratched his chin with a dirty claw, "My therapist was right... I do overlook the easy answer."

Rarity gasped dramatically, "You, monster!!!" but then she laughed, "Of course, your plans are ruined now, and we didn't even have to do anything! So, what does it matter?"

Linguine sneered, "You think I wouldn't have a plan B? I'll just convert my body into ten-thousand rats filled with the most vile disease, and scatter them across Equestria! I will die in the process...... but it will be—"

SCREEEEEEECH CRAAAAASSH

Lee's Altima blasted through the building, colliding with Linguine the Virat, and squishing him between the walls. Luckily, he didn't splatter guts or any other bodily material that would have been a pain to clean. He simply dissipated into an unpleasant, green smog.

Lee walked out of his car, turns to his Ponyville friends, tossed two middle fingers, and stated a fact, "LEE NEWSOM, I'M A F*CKING LEGEND!"

***

Dear Princess Celestia,
Tonight we held a Welcome-to-Ponyville-Dinner for Lee at Stringy Linguine's. I'm not exactly sure about what I learned there. Lee went a bit cuckoo over the Equestrian diet, and then he found out that the place was being run by rats. A Virat to be exact. I'll report the details of that later.

Here is what I've sorta learned. While someone may treat you roughly, and may constantly throw insults your way, that does not mean they don't care about you. Friends care for each other, no matter what. I still have a lot of trouble understanding him, of course. I only hope we can be better friends.

Your faithful student,

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Luna,
I can't believe I'm f*cking doing this sh*t... anyways, I'm supposed to tell you what I learned about friendship or somethin' gay like that. I'll tell you what I learned, to watch what I eat here. I almost ate a flower in my f*cking pasta. Okay, I gotta be serious, Uh... I learned that while these ponies come off as uppity, know-it all, illogical, inbred, sheltered, liberal, and completely lame douchebags, they are actually pretty nice considering they bought me dinner and shit.... even though I almost ate a flower cooked by rats. Yeah, you heard me, THEY HAD RATS COOKING THE F*CKING FOOD. Anyways I'll see your full-moon-ass later.

The Legend,

Lee Newsom

The Earth Pony poured over the ancient tomes laid out before her. It was difficult to find books like these in such a discreet manner. Luckily, this library was known for keeping things on the down low... although the seedy scene left much to be desired.

She muttered to herself as she traced each line of the browned, crackly pages of forbidden literature. She had been searching for days, and she felt that maybe she would never find what she was looking for. But he wouldn't lie to her, she knew that. He would never lie.

Never.

"A-hah!" she silently cheered.

There it was, the page she had been searching for. On the awaited leaf was a macabre picture of a roving band of rotting scum, pillaging and plundering villages in an endless assault of bloodlust. Written above the display in crimson lettering, were the words, "THE ONCOMING HORDE." The following pages were all the necessary rites and practices regarding the picture. She ripped the necessary pages from the priceless book and stuffed it down into the pouch that hung at her saddle.

"I found it, I found it!" she spoke to the voice that so often lulled her to wander, "But, what now, what is the next step?"

Finally, the voice that she loved so much slithered back into her mind, "Ga..... ther the rest.... of the children.

"We ... need more."

"And then, will it be enough?" she excitedly whispered, "Will we rise then?"

"... In due time.

"In time."

Author's Note

Well, this chapter was a bit of a doozy to write. I had some trouble with the pestilence spirit name, and I wasn't even going to go in that direction, at first. However, I thought the monster aspect was cool to add.

Please comment and rip into this fic!

*author from the future* Yeah, I'm going back and fixing stuff. A loooot of problems now I look back. Bear with me, please, and keep reading.

Corrupting the Youth

"Hold up, explain this 'dragon' thing to me one more time."

Spike sighed as he swept the floor, cleaning up the ashy remains of a magical mishap caused by a failed transformation spell from Twilight. Although, it was partly Lee's fault for scaring the daylights out of her during the spell. "What exactly do you wanna know?"

Lee held the dustpan for Spike as he swept, "First of all, if you're a dragon, how the Hell is no one flipping their shit about you?"

"I'm technically still a baby dragon," Spike stressed, "so I'm really no harm!"

"But aren't you, like, twelve or some shit?" Lee pointed out.

Spike stopped for a second, "Well, dragon growth is a lot different."

Lee shook his head, "Okay, I understand that you're an assistant, but why are you doing slave labor when your boss, or big sister, or whatever the Hell she's supposed to be, can do it in five seconds with the erection on her head?"

Now Spike really stopped to think about it, "Uh... it's no trouble at all but... It's because—"

"—It's because that it's Spike's assigned job, and he enjoys helping me." Twilight interrupts as she exits the bathroom, now that the remnants of the goo had been cleaned off. "Besides, that's also how Spike earns his allowance!"

Spike smiled and nodded, "Yup! Just happy to help!"

Lee dropped the dustpan, "Wait, did you say, allowance? You ponies have a f*cking monetary system?"

Twilight raised her eyebrow, "Uh... yeah. Why wouldn't we?"

"I don't know, I thought you were all just a bunch of damn communists!" Lee pondered the possibilities of generating wealth in the Equestrian world, "How can I make some cash?"

"There's a Job Post in front of the Town Hall," Twilight offered, "maybe you can find some odd jobs there?"

Lee nodded, "Alright. Swag."

Knock, knock

Goes the oaken door as it is lightly rapped. Spike quickly responded and ran over to open it. Behind the door was a dark magenta mare with a bubblegum mane, all wrapped up in a pleasant smile. This was the local she-teacher, Ms. Cheerilee.

"Hey, Ms. Cheerilee! What's goin' on?" Spike brightly asked.

"Hello, Spike! It's good to see you, but I'm actually here for..." Ms.Cheerilee peered over Spike and spotted Lee crouched in a football position behind an unsuspecting Twilight, "Mr. Newsom!"

Lee switched off tackle-attack to answer the teacher, "Wut?"

"Well, you see, Mr. Newsom—"

"—Just Lee, ho."

"Oh, well you see, Lee," Ms. Cheerilee began to explain, "you are a completely different being, from a completely different world! And, well, we really don't know much about you, so the fillies and colts think you are some kind of... monster."

"A monster?" Lee asked.

Ms. Cheerilee hung her head low, "Yes... I understand how that..."

"... Do I have a monster name?"

Ms. Cheerilee blinked widely, "... yes, I believe so. They call you the Howler. They think you're going to eat their ears, bless their hearts." her smile returned, "Would you please come by and put an end to these silly rumors? Besides, it would be an honor for the hero of Ponyville to speak to my class!"

Lee grunted, "Hero of Ponyville? When did I do that shit?"

Spike tugged at Lee's shirt to get his attention, "Don't you remember that Virat you beat? I mean, it did happen last night."

Lee nodded in understanding, "Right, that douchebag I hit with my Altima." Lee turned back to the anticipating teacher, "'Aight, I can be a shining example for today's youth. What time?"

"is 12 o'clock good for you?"

"3 hours is plenty of time to get ready. I'll be there." Lee assured.

Ms. Cheerilee's smile grew greater with gratitude, "Oh, thank you so much! I look forward to seeing you at my class! Just bring or speak about whatever you need, I'm sure the foals will love whatever you bring!" Ms. Cheerilee looked back to Spike and Twilight, "Bye, Spike, Twilight, thanks for letting me have him!" With that, Cheerilee cheerily trotted off.

Lee closed the door and resumed the rest of his cleaning duty.

Twilight marveled at his act of service as he emptied the last of the rubbish into the trash, "Wow, Lee, I didn't think you'd be up to helping out at the class!"

Lee dusted off his hands and clothes to mark the end up the cleanup, "Why wouldn't I be?"

Twilight looked guilty now, "I figured that you wouldn't be so willing to take time out of your day to talk to foals. I guess that, yet again, I was wrong about you!"

"Of course you were. I'm too real for you." Twilight briefly experienced a bout of confusion, but she shook it off as another one of the many speech quirk of Lee's.

Spike gathered up the cleaning supplies to put them away, "So, what are you going to talk to the class about, Lee?"

"You know, just gonna tell 'em about my world and stuff..." Lee discreetly glanced at Twilight.

She was seated at the table now, pouring bowls of cereals for the three.

Satisfied she was paying no more attention to them, Lee turned back to Spike with a devious grin spelled across his face, "you wanna have some fun with this?"

Spike understood the message of silence and spoke in a hushed voice, "What do you mean?"

Lee chuckled darkly, "We can make a whole lot of use with this Howler shit, don't ya think?"

"Oh," then an expression of realization dawned across his scaly features, "Oooooooh..." Spike joined Lee in his sinister laughter.

"My l'il nigga gets it, that's right..!" Lee held out his closed hand for a fist bump, and Spike bumped it with his scaly fist

"Do you guys like your cereal soggy or something?" Twilight called from the table.

Spike put on his most innocent face, "Coooming, Twilight!"

The dragon and his manic friend take their seats at the table and tuck in. For some odd reason, Lee was still laughing in an extremely high pitch while he ate his cereal, and his eyes were halfway rolled back into his head.

This brought about much puzzlement from Twilight and Spike. Spike may have known the reason for his chuckles, but the strange yet oddly haunting behavior still perplexed him. Instead of questioning the laughing Lee, the two Equestrians ate their breakfast in silence.

Lee and Spike were walking through sunny Ponyville, making a beeline for the schoolhouse since thehe appointed time for Lee's appearance was near. It was a good thing Spike was coming along too, because Lee had not a clue of the school's location. If Lee walked unguided, he probably would have gotten bored and wreaked havoc on Applejack's apple-stand in the town square and possibly would have kicked Big Mac in the testicles again.

"You think they'll fall for it?" Spike asked Lee, his voice tinged with hope.

Lee grinned, "Oh, they'll fall for it, alright." While he was walking with his new dracompanion, a thought occurred to Lee, "Wait, if Twilight hatched you from an egg, what about the lizards who laid it?"

Spike stopped. He scrunched his face together as he pondered the question, deep in thought. It was a question no one had thought to ask before. No one but Spike himself.

"Well... I don't really know. I... never met whoever laid my egg. They just found me as an egg, so I doubt Princess Celestia would know them either."

A shred of sympathy passed through Lee. He was not an emotionless beast.

"So... you ever wanted to go see any other dragons, or whatever?"

Spike snorted, "Nah. Dragons are jerks. I'm perfectly happy with my family, right here."

Lee nodded in respect. "You're lucky. Remember that, ho."

"Oh, we're here." Spike pointed out the red schoolhouse before them. "You ready for the plan?"

Lee ruffled his chestnut brown, rounded haircut, causing his hair to unevenly spike up, "Bitch I was ready in the fetus. Go."

"But Ms. Cheerilee, why would you invite the Howler to class?" Silverspoon asked the exasperated teacher.

Ms. Cheerilee sighed, "For the last time, he is not a monster, his name is Lee Newsom! And I invited him precisely because of the bad name you've given him!"

"Aw, he ain't no monster." Apple Bloom scoffed, "I mean, sure, he walloped Big Mac in the apple-buds, but mah big sis says he's actually pretty nice!"

"Besides, Lee saved Ponyville, and maybe even all of Equestria when he took down that Virat yesterday night!" Sweetie Belle argued.

Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes, "You blank-flanks would side with a monster."

"It's true!" Ms. Cheerilee verified, "I actually SAW it happen last night, during my date."

"Ooooooooooh!" the class simultaneously 'oohed'.

Cheerilee prodded the apple placed on her desk, "That date didn't end well, because of the incident. I don't think I'm seeing him again. Well, he kept spouting nonsense about some dark master that spoke to his head, so THAT was a red flag... why can't I find a normal stallion."

"Awwwwww..."

The doorknob began to jingle frantically.

Ms. Cheerilee beamed, "That must be him, COME ON IN!"

The door opened, and Spike rushed inside with a frightened expression. Cheerilee and the class were immediately confused by his heavy panting and wide-eyed terror.

"Um... where's Lee?" Ms. Cheerilee asked.

Spike fell to the floor and crawled towards Cheerilee, "He's coming! The Howler is—"

CRAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!

Lee splintered through the wooden door, rolled onto the floor, leaped to his feet, and howled as loud as he could with the wildest eyes and the look of a maniac.

"GIMME YOUR F*CKING EARS!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" The class (teacher included) shrieked in horror.

"It's the Howler!" screamed the frightened Snips and Snails combo.

"He's gonna take our ears!" yelled Rumble from the opposite side.

"YOU BET YOUR ASS I AM! GIMME YO EARS LIZARD!" with that, Lee bent down, seemingly ripped Spike's ear fins off of his head, and stuffed the appendages into his mouth, while still screaming.

Spike clutched at where his fins were and groaned in agony, "He. Took. My. Ear!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

What did the class do? They screamed even harder. Lee responded by running laps around the classroom, screaming, windmilling his arms and spinning his body as he ran, like a shrieking Leenado (not nearly as bad as a Sharknado). As he made his second lap, Lee's foot caught onto a desk and he tripped across the room, the incriminating desk in tow.

Lee collided with Cheerilee's table, and the desk slammed into his back, breaking to pieces.

Lee's body and feelings were in intense pain, so he cried his feelings out as a plea for help. "Aaaaaaaah SHIIIIIIT! What the actual F*CK! MY BACK, a desk shattered against my F*CKING BACK! WHO THE HELL DESIGNED THESE PIECES OF SH*T?!?!"

"Lee!" Spike got back to his feet, and unfurled the ear flaps he had hidden in his scales.

He rushed to Lee's writhing side, "Oh my gosh, are you okay, man?!"

Lee eventually calmed down and stopped screaming.

He shakily inhaled and managed to answer Spike, "Just... let me lay down here for a sec... f*ck man."

Spike sighed in relief, and got to his feet, "Well, that didn't end as well as I thought it would."

Ms. Cheerilee peered up from the table she was hiding under, "Spike, he didn't eat your ears?"

"Of course not, it was all a prank, but we didn't even get to use the pyrotechnics." Spike said as-a-matter-of-fact. "He isn't a monster, he's just a riot!"

"Ooooooooooooh." The class (teacher included) simultaneously realized, and then they erupted in laughter.

Every single one except Diamond Tiara. When Silver Spoon saw that her boss wasn't giggling, she quickly shut up.

Lee staggered to his feet. "I hope you all thought that was f*cking funny, because now I probably need ANOTHER rod in my back. Now which one of you bitches wasn't laughin'?"

"Don't worry, uh, they all thought it was funny," Spike shot the douchebag-duo a glare, and they nervously laughed. They had escaped Lee's wrath... for now.

Lee pulled up a chair from the side of the room, and plopped himself down. "My name is Lee Newsom, the Legend." He held his hands up to halt the nonexistent applause, "I forgot to make a speech, so I'll take any questions now. Speak now, motherf*ckers."

The room was silent.

Applebloom tentatively raised her hoof, "Uh, where are ya from?"

Lee nodded in approval, "I'm from the land of the free, home of the brave. Amurrica." then he stood and broke into song, "AMURRICA, F*CK YEAH! COMING AGAIN TO SAVE THE MOTHERF*CKING DAY, NOW!
When he finished his song, he sat back down.

The class clapped half-heartedly at his performance, not sure what to make of the song.

This time, Sweetie Bell raised a hoof, "Can we see your cutie mark!"

Spike face-palmed, and Lee pulled a face. "A cutie-mark? Sounds kinda gay. What the f*ck is that supposed to be?"

Ms. Cheerilee giggled at his antics, "A cutie mark is the mark one receives on their flank when they discover their extra special talent."

"Ooooooh. I just thought you tattooed your asses when you got old enough." he laughed to himself, "No, I do not have a special tattoo on my ass-cheeks."

Diamond Tiara snorted, "So you're a plain, not-special blank-flank too? Ha!"

Lee blasted out of his seat and pointed at Diamond Tiara, "B*TCH I will cut your throat with that SHIT-STAINED piec of TINFOIL on your head that you call a tiara if you say ONE MORE THING!"

Cheerilee shot Diamond Tiara a disapproving look, "Diamond Tiara! You will be polite to the speaker or you will be writing lines after class!" she smiled at Lee now, "I understand your scolding, but would you please keep the language down? They're kids, you know!"

Lee's eyes widened, "Oh shit, I forgot about that. Any more questions?"

Scootaloo's hoof shot into the air, "Ooh oh! Can you tell us how you took down that Virat last night! It must have been awesome!" Judging from the class's excited reaction to the question, everyone wanted to know now.

Lee let the talk settle down and explained his swashbuckling tale of grandeur and danger, "Manager, Linguini was his name or somethin', pissed me off, so I tackled his bitch-ass into the kitchen. Showed everyone the rats. He got pissed off, became a giant rat. He was gonna say what was going on, but I sprinted out the front door. I got in my Altima, revved that bitch up, and rammed the manager with my car. It was funny because I waited until he was almost done revealing his plan. A lot of dumb villains tend to ignore what's happening because they get so intense."

"Wooooooowww..."

Rumble asked the next question, "What's an Altima?"

That was when another sensual stroke of genius caressed Lee's throbbing brain.

He whispered his plan to Spike, and asked the class one question, "Who all wants to get the shit scared out of them?"

VRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! VRR, VRR, VRRRRRRRROOOOOOMMM!!!

For the next twenty minutes, Lee fit five foals into his Altima and ripped through the empty roads outside of the town. High speeds, precarious turns, donuts, drifting, screeching tires, and exhilarated passengers filled those paths. They would leave the car, shaken, frightened, and intoxicated by adrenaline. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were on the verge of tears, but Lee enjoyed that.

There were only three more passengers left, Applebloom, Sweetie Bell, and Scootaloo. Lee thought to himself, and decided to give the teacher some fun too. In a non-perverted way, of course.

"Hmmm... I got room for one more, Miss Teacher, you're in da front! Now."

Cheerilee silently cheered as she bounced into the passenger seat. The three foals crammed into the back and yelled, "CUTIE MARK CRUSADER RACERS YEA—"

VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

Lee immediately took off, leaving the rest of the class in a cloud of dust, carrying a shrieking teacher and ecstatic foals.

Lee finished up the drive, and they all returned to the schoolhouse. Everypony was still chattering about the energizing ride, the adrenaline still pumping through their veins. Did the class end up having a good time despite the terrrifying prank and sailor's mouth? Yes they did.

"Aight, me and Spike gotta bounce, I'm almost outta gas and the car's still runnin."

Ms. Cheerilee took hold of his hand with both hooves, and shook it gratefully, "Thank you so much for everything today, Lee! We haven't had that much fun, in class since... well, ever!" she turned to the class, "Now what do we say class?"

They took a deep breath, "THANK YOU MR. NEWSOM!!!!"

Lee threw peace signs into the air, "Peace, bitches."

Suddenly, Lee sprinted back to the library, leaving Spike bewildered and alone. Spike shook off the confusion, and ran after him.

***

Dear Full-Moon Ass,
Today I talked to the town's class. By the way, what the f*ck, Princess? A f*cking one-room building? What the Hell kind of school has only damn room? Another thing, why the Hell are Twilight and the others not in school? I know they're about as old as me, so they should be in high school. What kind of a f*cking education system is this?!

Anyways, me and Spike were just gonna prank them (which went horribly wrong), because I figured that they didn't really care about me to begin with. The whole town probably thinks I'm some damned monster, anyways. Well, the class doesn't anymore. I guess I learned that while the class thought I was a monster, they were willing to give me a chance. I guess I better give these communists a chance too. I gotta go, see your ass at Nightmare Night... yeah that's right bitch, I know you're comin' for that. I know you want the "D". Okay that's kinda gross, nevermind.

The Legend,

Lee Newsom

* * *

The unfortunate human panted miserably as he ran, his glasses shaking with each stride, "I thought you knew where you were going!" he said as he escaped alongside the Pegasus.

The Pegasus would have been flying, but she severely strained her wing when she lifted him away from Macintosh Hills after that stray raptor surprised them.

"My bad," Ditzy apologized, "I guess this is how I got lost too, heh heh..."

What were they running from?

Bandits.

They had run into a small group of them when they exited Macintosh Hills. Luckily, they had managed to keep out of reach for a while by hiding in ditches and scrubs, but now they were on open land.

The bandits began to encircle the slowing duo in a swift pincer movement. Things were not gonna end well.

Eventually, they were completely surrounded, and there was nowhere left to run. The bandits snickered and inched forward on the two. The dark tome chuckled as well, knowing they were in more delicious trouble. The human had grown very tired of that book, but he knew that losing it was not an option. After all, it could be his only way back home.

"Well, Ditzy, in the short time I've known you, I must say that it kinda sucked ass. Because of this bullshit, not you. You're cool."

The gray pegasus giggled, "Pshaw, thanks! Although it was my fault this happened..."

Then a guttural roar split the standoff.

A large reptile leaped inside the bandit's entrapping circle, surprising both parties. Of course, it appeared to be the same raptor that surprised them before. Ditzy clung to the human's leg and trembled. However, the boy noticed something strange.

The book had stopped laughing.

He looked to the advancing raptor and apprehensive bandits, "This is so stupid."

Author's Note

Woooooweee, this also took longer than I thought it would. Anyways, have fun with this guys, I'll have a Nightmare Night chapter out on the 31st of course.

I decided this would be a nice chapter, a happy one. Although not a happy one for the human and Ditzy, of course.

They arrive next chapter!

Comment and tear into this, please :D

Part 1-- It's Nightmare Night B*tches!

"At least we get some cover here..."

The human, Ditzy, and the raptor cautiously walk through the dense wood, looking to their left and right every so often, in case some other horror decided to attack them. How did they escape the bandits? You should probably ask the prehistoric lizard they were hitching a ride on. It had turned out that this raptor was very... odd... and was very cuddly. Either way, the olive green, red striped raptor had gotten the two out of trouble, and they were grateful enough not to question it. The raptor was actually the one who led the two to the forest.

Ditzy smiles as familiarity kicks in, "Hey, we're almost there!"

"Are you sure this time?" the skeptical human asks.

She nods furiously while she clings to his back, "Yup! This is the Everfree Forest! Although... we don't wanna stick around for too long. It's not exactly safe here."

The human did not question her this time, because nowhere seemed to be safe. What he does question, is the book. Ever since they crossed into the Everfree, it begn to grown very warm, and give off vast amounts of... some sort of energy. However, he knew that he could not leave it, no matter how much he despised the tome.

Plus, he knew that 'sensing energy' was probably the most useless indicator in the world.

* * *

Deep in the Everfree, something stirred. Something old, something that was sleeping for a long time. What had awoken the ancient thing, was the sweet scent of dark powers beyond comprehension. The scent had wafted across the slumbering nostrils, acting as the smelling salts for the purple creature. It rose from beneath the ancient earth, and pleaded, "MOOORE!!!"

***

"Can you explain this Nightmare Night shit to me again?" Lee asked as he nailed the Nightmare Night banner

Rainbow Dash yawned, and turned on the cloud she napped on, "Again? What's there to understand? Wear a costume, get free candy, get scared, or my favorite part..." RD grabbed her cloud, and silently flew behind Lee as he slightly adjusted the banner from his precarious position on the rooftop. As she readied a thunderous kick to the cloud, the situation reversed.

Lee suddenly snappedaround, his eyes rolled back into his head, "WHAT WAS THAT BITCH?!"

"AAH!" Dash overshot the kick and spiraled uncontrollably from the misplaced force.

Lee's eyes rolled back into place, "That's not what I meant, douche. I'm talkin' about the logic behind it. You have a whole festival celebrating the demonic-possession of one of your rulers, and she's just fine with it?"

Rainbow Dash quickly regained composure and shook off the dizziness, "No. Well, she likes it now. We already solved that problem a while back."

"Ah, so you communists DO know how to use logic, when you want to." Lee took hold of the ladder he used to get on the roof, and descended to the ground. Lee fished a roll of paper out of his pocket and checked the banner off of the task list.

It was the day before Nightmare Night. Lee was somewhat informed of its practices, and simply judged it as a rip off of Halloween, but of course, the ponies did not know what he was talking about. Instead of using the move, "Outrage", Lee decided to direct that energy to making some money off of the festivities. Nightmare Night still had a lot of setting up to do, since the whole Virat incident pretty much destroyed the Feast that was planned.

Lee had visited the Job Post the day after he corrupted the youth. There were requests for help with Nightmare Night pinned all over the board. Lee managed to take most of the requests by expressing his dominance. In other words, he roared and stomped around until everypony got scared and ran away.

Lee took a pile of job requests and compiled it all into one big list. He should have one-hundred bits by the end of it all. He had already cleaned the town square, help set up the booths, and decorated a majority of Ponyville, to name the major of the minor tasks. All that was left was to assist with the Haunted Houses, set the stages for the live performance, and a job that Lee was going to enjoy very much... (he was actually approached by Mayor Mare for this one)... be the Nightmare Night Maniac, a fictional maniac of sorts whose spooky story had been grossly perpetuated by the colts and fillies. In other words, Lee was paid to run around and scare the daylights out of foals.

However, that was going to be much later. Right now, Lee had to finish the other two jobs. Up next was the stage set up. Lee journeyed back towards the town square, throwing his arms and shoulders out as he went, which was his version of a pimp-walk.

When he reached his destination, he saw Pinkie Pie and a mare with an electric blue mane struggling with a set of giant speakers.

Lee fastened on a cape he stole from a nearby colt, held his arms forwards, and ran, yelling, "LEE THE LEGEND TO THE RESCUE!"

Lee dove onto the stage, sliding like a sleek penguin, "WEE I'M SUPER PENGUIN, BITCHES!" Lee rolled onto his feet, ripped off the cape, and ran forward to alleviate the two ponies.

He grabbed the speakers from the stage's end and pulled back with all his strength while muttering to himself, "Yes... GO, BIG, STRONG, WHITE MAN!"

With a final pull, he lifted the massive speakers onstage. He lifted Pinkie with both hands and shook her, screaming, "YEAAAAAH FOOTBALL!"

"Yay!" Pinkie cheered and followed with a hug. Lee purred, as if he were a frisky calico-kitten, and hugged her back.

He put her down, she bounced off, and he transformed into business mode. To be precise, he pulled a tie out of his pocket, and fastened it to his neck. This was Lee's business mode. "'Aight, I'm here for the stage and shit. What do you need, ho?"

The pony with the electric blue mane raised her goggles, revealing crimson eyes, "Hey! You must be the guy who accepted the post." She held out a hoof, "I'm Vinyl Scratch, AKA, DJ Pon3. I'm the resident disk jockey!"

Lee fist-bumped her fist, even though Lee knew it was meant to be shaken (the Lee does not shake hands, he bumps). Lee brightened up at the mention of DJing. "Oh, swag! I sorta know how to DJ and sh*t too."

Although Vinyl was still put off by the fist bump, she happily took the chance to nerd out with someone over music, "Really? How much do you know?"

Lee shrugged, "A little more than the basics. I was also known as Mr. Eel. I was gonna go with the Mysterious Eel, but that sounds like the name of a child molester. Anyways I don't have time to nerd-out, I got another job after this. What other shit do you need moved?"

Vinyl gestured towards a mass of equipment to the left of the stage. Forests of cables, some turntables, stands, mixers, more speakers, and a couple of controllers. "I'd levitate it up here, but my equipment is a bit too heavy for me to do that. Besides, magic can muck-up the equipment."

Lee shrugged, "It's all good, ho." Lee cabbage-patched to the DJ equipment to lift them onto the stage with his strong, Caucasian-muscles.

As Lee began to move the PA speakers, something scurried forth, the only thing that can frighten the Legend.

"OH SHIT, A SPIDER!!!"

The spider had an inky, purple body, covered with black markings. It was quite large, its leg span able to engulf Lee's hand. It hissed before scuttling away.

Vinyl found his display of fear laughable, "What's wrong, Lee? It's just a cute little spider."

Lee gave his deep, comical frown, utterly serious about the matter, "I don't f*ck with no spiders. I ain't even gonna lie!"

Vinyl snickered and looked away, "Sure, I don't either. Tell you what, just bring the equipment up here, and I'll do the rest?" Lee grumbled to himself, and inspected the equipment for anymore eight-legged horrors. Satisfied there weren't any to his apparent sight, Lee got to work.

After much heaving and war-cries, Lee had finished hauling the equipment onstage, and received the twenty bits for his time. He even helped arrange it all in their proper pieces despite Vinyl's offer to leave it, restoring the pride he had from the encounter before. Besides, Lee had more than enough time. It was only 3 o'clock after all.

As Lee waved goodbye to Vinyl, he noticed something out of the corner of his eye. Two more spiders, the same purple kind as before, were weaving a web in the corner of the stage curtain. He shuddered to himself. He really hated spiders.

Lee was heading towards the next job on the list, the haunted house. In reality, it was just the decorated Schoolhouse. When Lee reached the Schoolhouse (using his dastardly pimp walk, of course), he noticed that there were a series of tents and booths being set up around it. Most of the help appeared to be students. Lee noted that this aspect of schools was quite similar to his world's. They both used free child/slave labor.

As Lee pimp-walked on the grounds, he announced his presence, "THE LEGEND IS HERE. Please, hold your applause."

Ms. Cheerilee was slave driving/directing Snips and Snails to set up an awning when she noticed Lee. She waved and trotted over to meet him, "Lee! You must have been who applied for the job."

"You know it, ho."

She sighed in relief, "Thank goodness! We really need your help with the heavy-lifting." she glanced at the colts who had gotten themselves tangled in the awning in the few seconds she had left, "...and with the complicated tasks that seem to require an expert. Can you help them, Lee?"

"On it. LEE TO THE—" Lee reached for the cape, but then he remembered he left it at the town square.

Instead, Lee cartwheeled to their side, yelling, "YOLO!"

Lee gripped the awning's cloth and sharply tugged, untangling Snips and Snails. However, as he freed the colts, he also freed the horrid thing which was his delirium trigger.

Lee staggered to his feet, clutching his quickening heart, "DAFUQ?! IS THAT ANOTHER MOTHERF*CKING SPIDER?!"

The purple arachnid only hissed and skittered away.

Snips seemed concerned, "Are you okay, Mr. Lee-the-Legend?"

"NO, I'M NEVER OKAY! MY LIFE SUC—yeah I'm fine. Just sick of all these damn spiders." After that hilareal (it's been too long since that's been used) outburst, Lee set himself to work. He quickly set the incredibly-simple-to-assemble-awning, and headed back to Ms. Cheerilee.

"What's next, Viewtiful Ho?"

Cheerilee pointed to a large crate of Nightmare Night decorations and other spooky things. "I need those taken inside the school and put in their appropriate places. Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle should be able to tell you where to place them once you get it in there. I did give them charge of the decorations and scares after all!" Cheerilee leaned in for this next part, "Please make sure they didn't destroy the plumbing or something."

Lee agreed,"K love you byyyyeeeeee." although his manner of agreement left Cheerilee in confusion.

Lee wrapped his arms around the crate and lifted it, causing his White Devil blood to flow stronger as his muscles did their job. He took the crate to the school (somehow managing his pimp-walk at the same time).

Lee walked through the door and abruptly stopped.

He was in a maze. Someone had literally constructed a black maze inside the classroom.

Lee shrugged, figuring his legend-ness would carry him through to the end.

As he rounded the first turn, a screaming, rotten skeleton dropped from the ceiling, "AHH WHAT THE SHIT!"

Lee stumbled forwards, going through another turn.

This time, cutouts of spiders and vampire bats popped out of the walls. "DAMMIT, MORE SPIDERS!?!"

Lee swatted those aside with the crate, and kept running through the maze. More gags and scares popped out of the walls, which would have been much less scary, but at the speed they were appearing to Lee, they had left him completely dazed and disoriented. In other words, he screamed through the entire nightmare.

Lee tucked into a reckless charge through the maze, screaming and ignoring the spooks. Eventually, his foot hit a tripwire, sending an electric current through his well-built body of European descent.

At this point, Lee hit the ground and stayed there, waiting for the pain and his heart rate to go down. "What.... the... actual... f*ck..."

"Ah told you the voltage was too high, Sweetie Belle!" Applebloom yelled.

"Eh heh... that was actually my fault." Scootaloo apologized, "Dash told me that it really needed to shock the victims."

"I don't think she meant it like that!" Sweetie Belle squeaked.

"I'm.... I'm gonna get you bitch-ass hoes later..." with that, Lee drifted into sweet sleep.

Lee woke up in his bed, back at Golden Oaks Library. On his nightstand to the side was a stack of bits and an apology letter that Lee didn't bother to read. He groaned and got up in the bed. He glanced at the nearby alarm clock and froze. It was 7 o'clock. Nightmare Night was starting, and he had a very fun job to do.

He shot out of bed and sprang for his work-costume: ragged, janitorial overalls, a ski-mask, and a weed-whacker. He pulled the costume on and slid down the banister to see Twilight and Spike already in costume. Twilight had dyed her hair black, and slicked it back. She was wearing a voluminous, crimson cloak decorated with bats and skulls, all over an ornate, pinstriped suit decorated with the same macabre theme. Spike was wearing a suit of knight's armor, finished off with a miniature lance and shield.

"Lemme guess..." Lee stared at Twilight for a few seconds before raising a finger, "... a vampire?"

Twilight groaned, "NO! I'm a greeeaat, eeeevil, necromancer!" Twilight snorted, "How come everypony thinks I'm a vampire!"

Spike rolled his eyes, "Well, can you blame them? You're all dressed up like some Dracolta, for Celestia's sake!

"K whatever I gotta go." Lee slammed through the front door, and revved up his weed-whacker.

He brandished it towards a group of trick-or-treating foals, "IT'S NIGHTMARE NIGHT B*TCHES, YOU BETTER RUN!!!!" the foals (Pinkie Pie dressed as an egg included) ran off, screaming in fright.

Lee laughed in rapturous delight and ran through Ponyville's decorated night, screaming and swinging his weed-whacker of doom. Foals and full grown ponies alike, costumed as frightful and adorable things, ran in terror as Lee chased them through the never-again-peaceful-town.

Eventually, Lee got tired and decided to take a break. He removed his mask, turned off the weed-whacker and walked towards the town square to pick up some snacks. As he was walking, he admired his work with the decor. The jack-o-lanterns, the skeletons, the... spiderwebs he didn't remember hanging that littered the entire town. The town-ponies must have added it later.

Lee entered the square and rushed Applejack's stand. While ponies were bobbing for apples, Applejack was selling tarts, pies, cookies, cider, and other delectables. Applejack herself was wearing a navy-blue business suit and tie with a briefcase by her side.

Lee snapped his fingers as he understood her attire, "Oh, I get it, you're a Yuppie?"

Applejack adorably kicked her hooves in delight, "Exactly! Ah had a feeling you'd be one o' the only ones who'd get it. Anyway, how ya doin' Lee?"

"Pretty good, Breakfast," Lee responded, "I'll take that drank', and them cookies. How much?"

Apple jack waved the matter aside, "Aw, don't worry 'bout that Sugarcube. Think of it as payment for what Applebloom did to ya this mornin', and for the town decor! The spiderwebs ya' put up are a nice touch too."

Lee gobbled down the cookies and gulped down the cider before answering, "I didn't do that shit. I f*ckin' hate spiders."

"You mean my student wasn't the one responsible for these excellent spiders and webbing?"

Lee nearly roundhouse kicked his new mentor in the face when she descended behind him, but he managed to hold it down. Princess Luna was wearing Fluttershy's Dangerous Mission Outfit as a costume. Lee did not know what that was, but he still thought it was pretty damn cute.

He waved, "What up, Full-Moon Ass?" then to Luna's surprise, he gave her a hug... and purred like a frisky calico-kitten.

Lee let go to say, "And no, I was not responsible for these blasphemous abominations and DAMMIT, IS THAT ANOTHER F*CKING SPIDER?!?!"

AJ noticed the large, purple spider crawling onto her booth. She pulled a face, and swatted it off... but another took its place. Applejack and Lee looked around, and noticed that the spiders were EVERYWHERE.

Luna raised an eyebrow, "Are these spiders not part of the festivities? They are at every corner, and were purposefully placed there, were they not?"

"'EY LEE!" Lee recognized the scratchy voice as Vinyl Scratch.

She was calling from the stage, and was gesturing towards the enormous spiderweb that encompassed the entire stage, extending beyond to a couple surrounding buildings, "WHY THE HAY DID YOU PUT THIS STICKY WEB ALL OVER THE STAGE AND MY EQUIPMENT! TAKE IT DOWN!"

Lee threw his hands up in the air, "I DIDN'T DO THIS SHIT! AND WHO THE F*CK ARE YOU TO—"

"AAAAAAHH!" screamed several Ponyvilians.

"WHAT NOW?!"

Pinkie Pie jumped out of the apple-bobbing pool with a look of sheer fright, "THE SPIDERS ARE WRAPPING PONIES AND—" she could not say more, due to the fact that a stream of webbing had wrapped her from head to hoof, and pulled her into the giant web on the stage. Who was the culprit? Probably the pony-sized purple spiders lurking on the web.

Before anyone could react, the spiders wrapped a small group of trick-or-treaters, and dragged them into the web. Luna would not have anymore of this.

The Night rose into the air, energy coalescing and sparking around her floating form as she assumed the Royal Canterlot Voice, "I WILL NOT HAVE MY ADORING CITIZENS—" she was promptly quieted by a glob of web to the face, and the wings, and the horn.

She tried to summon forth magic, but the webbing seemed to absorb any energy she blasted out. Then she was quickly wrapped by every single one of the giant spiders, and hauled into the web.

Lee grabbed Applejack by the shoulders, "WE GOTTA GET THE F*CK OUTTA HERE YUPPIE-GURL!!!" before she could answer, Lee tucked Applejack under his arms, and began to carry her off.

Lee sprinted towards the road leading out of the square but was promptly blockaded by the largest and most disgusting of the spiders.

It had dropped from the sky and caused the ground to tremble under its weight. The spider was covered in elaborate black designs and spiny purple hairs. The two front legs bristled with the sharpest of the hairs and sharpened shell-pieces, so that they resembled two clawed fingers. The spider was massive, two times the size of Lee's Altima. Lee had nearly fainted when it spoke!

"AND WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"

The situation was not looking good for Lee, he was surrounded by the large spiders, and the leader was now attempting to start a conversation with him. Lee could only respond in one way.

He looked to the sky and screamed, "DAMN I HATE YOU ANAL-MOTHERF*CKING
SPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDEEEEEEEERRRRRS!!!!!!!!!!!

TO BE CONTINUED.

Author's Note

YUP, a multi-parter. The next part is gonna be released tomorrow, on Nightmare Night. Grats to anon who correctly said what I was going to use the raptor for.

Part Two-- I Really Hate Spiderses.

Lee really, really, hates spiders, with every fiber in his being. Tonight, on Nightmare Night, those feelings increased seven-fold. As Applejack and Lee stood beholder to the great, purple, spider demon. The hatred and several other thoughts processed through his human brain, leaving him silent after the sky-bound scream.

One of the thoughts was, how did this all happen? Another was, why? The third and most integral musing was, is Lee going to meet his end in a strange land full of talking ponies, without achieving his dreams of rising above the black hole called suburbia, and reaching lands of accomplishments and wealth? This thought sent the most fear through him.

Applejack was stricken by Lee's cry which had been followed by solemn silence.

Applejack shook it off and gave the rest of her attention to the tremendous, purple spider that visibly cringed from Lee's screeching, "You can talk, eh? How 'bout ya' tell us what the hay ya' want with Ponyville!"

The spider's dripping mandibles clicked several times before forming booming words, "I WANT TO FEAST! I, Arachne, have been sleeping for so many centuries... I have been so hungry... however, I could not wake... but..." the spider demon shuddered in delight, "that was when the most delectable scent crossed my way... the scent of a dark power even older than I. My children's spirits, sleeping within the bodies of these lesser arachnids, have awoken with my call, and we will not stop until we find that oh-so desirable magic..." Arachne's individual hairs began to bristle with anxiousness, "WHERE IS IT?! GIVE IT TO MEEEEE!!!!"

Arachne roared and raised her clawed legs in preparation for an impaling strike. Before she could bring the appendages crashing down, a blinding flash of light had caused her to reel back. This light's source was a Princess Twilight Sparkle who had blinked between the two parties.

She smiled and declared, "Not today, Arachne!" and with a shine of her horn, Applejack, Lee, and Twilight were blinked from harm's way, leaving the spider demon shaking with fury.

The three were blinked inside Golden Oaks Library. Those present were Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and Spike. Lee ran to the nearest window and peered at the scene below. Groups of the pony-sized spiders had amassed at the borders of the library but could not quite make it past the sign. When the occasional daredevil spider would launch itself at the great tree, it would simply bounce off of a purple magic sphere encompassing the library.

Lee leaned away from the window to see Spike at his side.

His costume's cloth was ripped, and his armor was scratched at various places. "Lee, are you alright?"

Was Lee's melancholic silence still present? Not at all.

"No, I am not alright, LOOK OUT THE F*CKING WINDOW!!!"

Rainbow Dash, dressed in her Shadow Bolt costume, zipped towards the two, "It's crazy, I don't know why we're still in here when we should be squashing those stupid bugs!"

Twilight put down the book she was reading, "Actually, Rainbow, those aren't bugs at all! They are arachnids."

Lee faced her, and assumed an un-amused expression, "Bitch, no one gives two f*cks about that, and can someone tell me WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK IS GOING ON?"

Applejack nudged Twilight, "To be fair, sugar cube, Ah' think Lee's on the right track. Do ya' know what the hay we're dealing with?"

Twilight snapped out of her nerdage, and floated out a different book. She flipped the pages until she found what she was looking for. She turned the book for us all to see. The page depicted an image of Arachne chasing a bunch of ponies, along with a paragraph to explain it. "Here is what I could gather about the spider situation. The smaller spiders we're seeing—

"—small," Lee snorted, "right."

Spike stifled a giggle and Twilight returned to her discourse, "The smaller spiders are actually regular spiders we see around the town."

"Ah' believe that giant spider mentioned somthin' about controllin' them, before you rescued us, Twi'." AJ pointed out.

Twilight nodded in agreement, "Correct, Applejack, and that giant spider, Arachne, is the cause of all this. She apparently was some sort of spider demon that ravaged the countryside, some time during Equestria's founding. She feeds off of the innate magic of ponies. The more powerful the pony, the more food for Arachne."

Lee grimaced, "So it's probably bad that she wrapped up Princess Moon-Ass?"

Twilight could not stop her jaw from dropping through the floor, "WHAT?! Arachne has the princess?! But, that doesn't make any sense!" Twilight looked back to the book, "It's bad enough Arachne is going to feed off of one of the most powerful ponies in Equestria, but, that should be more than enough to keep Arachne full, why is she still hunting?!"

Lee thought back to the ranting, hysterical spider, and remembered her goal, "Spider-Slut said that she smelled some yummy black magic, and that she won't stop looking until she finds it. Therefore, we can conclude that Arach-Bitch is saving her stomach for that tasty shit." Lee held his hands out, to cease the nonexistent applause, "Thank you, I know I'm amazing."

Twilight curled her lip, "Save her stomach? That's not very sensible."

"Hey," Spike begins to reason, "I aged that one fire-ruby for months, saving it until it was perfect. The spider-thing is probably using the same principle."

Lee nodded in respect and fist-bumped the bro-dragon. "See? L'il Nigga here gets it."

Twilight rolls her eyes and sighs, "I guess you're right. But, if Arachne is willing to starve herself even more for the flavor, then that must be some extremely powerful and extremely old magic she's looking for. The problem is, I can't think of anything that powerful in Ponyville! The Alicorn Amulet would have awoken her long before, so I know it's not that."

Rainbow Dash impatiently buzzed overhead, "I'm done with just sitting here. Why aren't we out there, solving the problem!"

Twilight scans the book a final time, "All the book says is that Arachne eventually fell asleep from feasting on magic. Then a group of powerful unicorns cast a spell so that she wouldn't wake up for a very long time... but the spell they're talking about only works when the target is already asleep, and it requires too long to cast." she closed the book, put it away, and sighed. "I would have suggested the Elements of Harmony, but Applejack already told me Pinkie's in the web. I'm at a loss here..."

Suddenly, Spike's eyes grew wide with fear.

He clutched the sides of his helmet, "Ohmigosh, we need to save Rarity and Fluttershy!"

Twilight nodded in assurance, "Don't worry, Spike, I already sent Owlowiscious to locate the two. He should be back—" then she heard a pecking at the window. Twilight smiled, "—that's him right now!" Twilight opened the window with her magic, and the intelligent owl clutching a scroll flaps inside.

"Thanks, Owlowiscious!" Spike grabbed the scroll from the owl's talons.

He unfurled the scroll, it was a map of Ponyville. Owlowiscious had Carousel Boutique circled.

Spike peered at the markings, then back at the dutiful owl, "Is that we're Rarity is?"

Owlowiscious nodded and said, "Hoo."

Spike raised his eyebrow, "What do you mean, who? You know who Rarity is!"

Lee put a hand up, indicating the dragon to stop, "I'm just gonna stop you right there, buddy, before this shit gets out of hand."

Spike blushed, "Oh, right. Well, where's Fluttershy?"

Owlowiscious simply shrugged.

RD provided an answer, "I'm pretty sure she holed herself up at home the entire night. She's probably still there."

Twilight regarded the map and picked the first stop, "Carousel Boutique is closer to our current location, and Rarity is probably going to be in more trouble with the spiders. We need to head there first. Fluttershy should be fine, her cottage is farther away, and there weren't any spiders near there. Only problem is how we're getting there, I can't teleport us all there safely, I could blink us right into a web!"

Lee snapped his fingers, "We'll take my Altima. That bitch can go VROOM VROOM!"

"Great idea, Lee!" Twilight complimented with a smile, "We need to get going now. It's parked right inside the shield shell, so we should be able to get in safely."

The party of five poured out of the library and made a beeline for Lee's Altima. RD quickly took the passenger seat before the others could. Applejack rolled her eyes and sat in the the back seat with Spike and Twilight. Before Twilight entered the car, she cast a spell that shot purple light into the Altima.

"A reinforcement spell, your vehicle should take much more of a beating now!" Twilight explained.

"Swag."

Lee took the driver's seat and started the car with a push of a button. He revved up the engine several times, scattering the spiders outside the shield.

"VROOM, VROOM, MOTHERF*CKER!" With that war cry, Lee raced away from Golden Oaks Library, and ripped through the road to Carousel Boutique, the spiders keeping a clear ways away from the screeching car.

What occurred inside the car was quite interesting as well. Spike, who was somewhat used to Lee's seemingly insane driving, was faring just fine. Twilight and AJ on the other hand, hung on to each other for dear life, while RD was whooping and cheering with joy, enjoying the adrenaline rush. Lee approved of this behavior and would give her a fist-bump later.

It did not take very long to get Carousel Boutique, due to Lee's unbound speeds. When they reached the dress shop, they were horrified to see that the shop had been surrounded by dozens of the spiders, all clambering to get on top of the building, where a lone Rarity dressed as an Eqyptian queen attempted to fend off the eight-legged fiends with her giant rock, Tom.

Rarity spotted Lee's Altima full of companions and pleaded, "Help! Don't let the dastardly beasties touch me with their icky legs and gooey web!"

"RARITY! I'm coming!" before anyone could stop him, Spike dashed out of the car and ran for the surrounded shop.

"Spike, wait, we need to think this through!" Twilight reasoned, as she struggled to undo the belt buckle to go after him. Even Rainbow and AJ were having much trouble. "How do I undo this stupid thing?!

Spike was not listening, his attention was for the trapped mare. And luckily enough, the spider's attention was too. They did not even notice him bounce from spider to spider, as if they were hairy stairs. Spike leaped onto the roof, and stood proud, ready to rescue.

Rarity's eyes were a-glimmer with tears of gratitude, "Oh my Spikey-wikey, you've come for me!"

Spike heroically held out a gauntlet covered hand, "To me, Milady, we must hurry away!"

Unfortunately, as Rarity reached for his hand, she nor Sir Spike noticed the spider that had managed to climb onto the roof. She did notice, however, how quickly she was bound into a silky case, and promptly gagged to prevent whining. The spider roped her in, and hauled her off.

Spike fell to his knees and cried to the sky, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

His sorrowful vocals pierced the night sky, and caused the spiders to pause and writhe in pain from the sheer volume.

Spike found himself in the hold of Twilight's magic, and brought to her level on the ground. She had managed to free herself of the diabolical seat belt, although it was not fast enough to save Rarity. "We'll go back for her, Spike, I promise, but we would need to find Fluttershy! She could be in the same danger!"

Twilight carried him back to the Altima and strapped him in. "To Fluttershy's cottage!"

"Kk ho!" Lee revved up the engine, once again causing the spiders to keep their distance, and tore off through the streets, away from the many buildings of Ponyville, and towards the edge of the Everfree where Fluttershy hid.

When they reached Fluttershy's cottage, everyone ripped themselves from the Altima (now that the ponies could easily undo the restraints), ready for action. Spike jumped out, lance ready. AJ and Dash stood side by side, prepared to use their powerful legs. Twilight's horn was magic charged, shimmering in purple light. Lee had awkwardly rolled out and sprang into a squared combat stance, fists up, yelling, "NINJUTSU, BITCH!"

However, this battle-ready-formation was a bit pointless this time, considering there were not any spiders to be seen. Twilight, Applejack, RD, and Spike resumed their regular positions, seeing no danger.

RD huffed, "No action, this time," the rest nodded in agreement. Well, everybody, except one.

Did Lee take this as a call to relax and calmly explain the situation to the cloistered Fluttershy? Of course not, have you forgotten who he is?

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR!!!!"

Lee blindly charged and tackled through Fluttershy's locked door. The sound of splintering wood caused an, "Eep!" to emit from the nearby coffee table. Lee immediately flipped the coffee table over (yelling YOLO) and found the trembling Fluttershy sporting a football helmet and pillow armor. While Lee found this incredibly d'aww worthy, it did not deter him from grabbing Fluttershy, shaking her like a rag doll, and shouting, "GIANT PONY-EATING SPIDERS EVERYWHERE!!!"

"WAAAHAHAA!!" Fluttershy cried.

Lee slung her over a shoulder and ran out the house and back into the Altima in the fashion of running a football for a touchdown. He tossed her in the back, ordered everyone to get in the car. He hit the accelerator and took off, back to Ponyville's buildings.

While Applejack comforted the still trembling Fluttershy, Twilight called for the next step, "Now that we secured the Fluttershy, we can head back to Golden Oaks and figure out the next plan of action in defeating Arachne!"

Lee grimaced, "I would agree with you, but there's one problem with that."

Applejack frowned, "An' what's that?"

"Because Spider-Slut is blocking the way."

Sure enough, at the turn back to Golden Oaks, was Arachne in all her spidery splendor. Everybody, with the exception of Lee, simultaneously voiced their opinions on the issue at hand at a volume which leaked through the open windows, causing Arachne to freeze.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH—"

"GRAAAAAAHHHH, YOU PONIES ARE TOO LOUD!!!

"WILL YOU SHUT THE F*CK UP," Lee scolded, "DAMN, I ALMOST HATE YOUR LOUD-ASS NOISE AS MUCH AS THE EIGHT-LEGGED WHORE OVER THERE."

While this shut the passengers up, it did not cease the gears that began to turn in Lee's head. Throughout the night, he had noticed one thing that remained constant in regards to the spiders behavior. Specifically when he revved up the engines when they crossed town. Lee had a plan.

He swerved around the still-cringing spider, "Here's your next plan of f*cking action!"and raced towards Town Square.

Arachne shook out of her noise-induced lock and roared, "YOU WON'T ESCAPE UNTIL YOU BRING ME WHAT IS MINE TO EAT!" The ever-hungry spider lumbered after Lee's speeding Altima, causing the ground to shake with each frantic step.

Spike glanced at the roaring spider demon with apprehension, "Uh, Lee? Care to tell us what that plan of action is?"

Lee smiled as he ripped into the town square, "All y'all need to know is to keep that f*cker busy while I get ready! Now get the f*ck out of my car!" Lee parked adjacent to the stage, and unlocked all the doors—including the trunk.

Twilight eyed the approaching spider.

Arachne's mandibles dripped with anger and venom, making her a very nervous Alicorn, "So... how do any of you propose to keep it busy?"

No one seemed to come up with an answer, well, except for Fluttershy.

She emerged from the Altima, took an audible gulp, and began to nervously step forward. "H..he...Hello there!"

Arachne stopped slobbering to assume confusion, "What?"

AJ whispered to Fluttershy, "Sugar cube, don't tell me y'all are goin' to try to have an honest to goodness conversation?"

Fluttershy ignored Applejack's skeptical tone, and continued talking with a pleasant voice, "How are you tonight, Ms. Arachne?
I understand that you are very hungry... yes?"

While Arachne was still perplexed by this strange tactic, she had unconsciously fallen under Fluttershy's natural ability to commune with nature's beings. "...yes... I haven't eaten in centuries! But I'm a patient spider, I'm saving my stomach for that deliciously dark energy... which I can feel a trace of on one of you... somewhere."

Fluttershy began to see the danger of where the topic was heading, so she attempted to change the subject.

"Oh, um, sorry... uh, are these pretty little purple ones your children?"

Arachne seemed to have forgotten what she was starting to think about, and followed Fluttershy's conversational lead. The two began to carry on an awkward conversation, all to give Lee the time he needed. What was Lee doing? Well... Lee had taken an item that hailed back to his home from his trunk.

He was on the stage now. He slipped under the large openings in the webbing and was heading for the still functional amplifiers. He took his seat behind a pair of the largest ones and plugged up the beloved guitar he had removed from his trunk. It was a sleek, black, electric Ibanez. He shouted into the nearby mic, "HEY, SPIDER-SLUT!"

Arachne broke away from the conversation and focused on the Lee who toted an electric guitar plugged to high-volume speakers. "THAT'S THE ONE, I FEEL TRACES OF THE DARK MAGIC ON HIM, YOU MUST KNOW WHERE!" The spider began to charge the stage, only to be halted by Lee's quick power chord. The melodious notes sent a thunderous echo of electric-awesomeness through the entire town.

Each of Arachne's spines bristled as the sound vibrated each hair uncontrollably, "STOP!"

Did Lee care about the agony and anguish of the demon spider? Did the continuous high volume play of his epic guitar say so?

Lee took a knee as he shredded his electric strings repeatedly, the sound reverberating through every object, to the excruciating pain of the immobile demon. At first, he was playing clearly epic songs, such as "Welcome Home", "Holiday", and "Kashmir", but he ended up slurring to incoherent strums which evolved into Lee playing the poor guitar by grinding it between his legs, as if he were a cheap, downtown club-whore.

The smaller spiders began to burst into smoke from the ear-splitting riffs, and Arachne herself was at her limit.

She uttered one final sentence, "I SHOULDN'T HAVE WAITED... SOOO HUNGRY... AND... SOOOO LOUUUUUD!!! With that, she burst into a great conflagration of purple flame and smoke, covering the heroic party with choking soot.

Nightmare Night had still continued on. The webs dissolved by themselves, the spiders returned to their normal lives, and no one had been hurt. Of course, Lee was the hero of the night. He was showered with candy, gratitude, and adorable pony hugs that even he could not have resisted.

Lee was back at Golden Oaks, hauling his massive plunder of sweets. However, before he turned in for the night, Luna wanted to talk to him about something. She stood before him in her Dangerous Mission Outfit, somehow bearing a serious expression in the D'awwwwable ensemble.

"The spider demon spoke of a dark ancient power, do you have any idea of what she was talking about?"

Lee shrugged, "Nope. She was just being a dumb bitch."

Luna chuckled at his hilareal antics. "Of course, the ages of life can addle the brain. I am just a bit worried. If something of such power is nearby, it would be dangerous to let it be, lest it falls into the wrong hands."

"Whatevs, no one found it yet."

She nodded in agreement. "True, but I must inform my sister of this when she returns from her diplomatic mission to the Griffin Kingdom."

"So THAT'S her excuse this time." Lee muttered.

"Anyways, I must return to Canterlot. I enjoy your letters, my assistant, feel free to visit sometime!" with that, Luna flew away.

That was when Lee noticed something about what she had said, "Did she just say she enjoyed my letters which bordered on sexual harassment?"

* * *

The human, Ditzy, and the raptor were still in the Everfree. And they were hopelessly lost. Ditzy nervously rubbed the back of her head, "Well, I know that Ponyville is just beyond here! Just not sure how to get there from here.... at least nothing attacked us all night!" Distant howling broke the limited peace Ditzy had pointed out.

The human snorted. "Nothing yet." He was almost surprised the book had not chuckled. After it gave off the vast amounts of energy, it had gone dormant. Perhaps things were looking up. Although he still wanted to chuck it into a furnace.

Author's Note

well, managed to pump this out in time for the deadline. Told you the answer wasn't as simple as fire. ENJOY!

Please comment and follow, I could reeaaaallly use the follows.

What is Swag?

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READ THE AUTHOR'S NOTES AT THE END
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"Lee? What are you doing?"

"Being real."

Twilight Sparkle's question was a very good one. The alicorn had awoken, in her usual hours, and noticed that Lee was not in bed. This was a bit strange, considering Lee tended to sleep past 12 o'clock if Twilight did not wake him.

She thought about this as she descended the stairs to reach the bathroom. When she reached the ground floor, Twilight received the answer to the previous confusion. There were golden bits scattered across the floor, and a certain human rolling through the glinting currency, as if he were a frisky calico-kitten. Spike was standing off to the side, observing the scene, and jotting notes in a notepad.

The vast amount of bits was the reward of the many jobs Lee had completed during Nightmare Night. Since Lee had also saved all of Ponyville from an ancient spider demon with the powers of epic rock, Mayor Mare also slipped some... well, a LOT of extra bits in his reward. All in all, he had acquired 225 bits.

Twilight was still unsatisfied by his answer, "What does that even—"

"SHUT YOUR F*CKING MOUTH, YOU CHICKEN-LOOKIN' MOTHERF*CKER! YOU WILL RAISE YOUR HAND TO SPEAK IN MY TERRITORY!"

Twilight was still not sure of which way to progress when Lee shouts like this, so she kept her mouth shut.

Spike raised his claw as if he were a student in class.

Lee stopped writhing to answer, "What up?"

"What does, being real, mean?" Spike asked with a rising tone, denoting his curiosity.

"It means, to be too f*cking real for all this shit." Lee said with closed eyes.

Spike quickly wrote his words down, "Ohhhh, I get it!"

Twilight Sparkle rolled her eyes. She was going to have to play along. She sighed, and raised a hoof, "What is Spike--"

"DID I F*CKING STUTTER? I SAID HAND, NOT THAT DEFORMED SHIT-LOG YOU CALL A HOOF!" Lee giggled at his hilareal (you see? That ingenious word is far from forgotten.) antics. "LAWL jk, what do you want, whore?"

"What is Spike supposed to be doing here?"

"I'm taking Swag 101!" Spike happily answered, "Whatever the hay that means... but Lee said it was important!"

Twilight pulled a face, "Swag? I don't believe you are using that word in the right context, Lee."

At this remark, Lee awkwardly rolled to his feet, and saunters to Twilight with a furrowed brow, flared nostrils, and a deep frown. "Lemme tell you what swag is. Swag is this."

This was when Lee performed a strange shuffle that he picked up in his home world. Lee put his feet together and jumped from side to side twice (while keeping the feet together, and the torso in place, so that only the legs are moving). Directly after, he bent down, and swatted the dust off Twilight's hooves. Lee crossed his arms, feeling proud of himself, "SWAG!"

Twilight's raised eyebrow, curled lip, and open mouth spelled bafflement of the highest degree, while Spike was taking notes on the curious yet graceful dance.

Lee shrugged, "Don't get it? It's alright, you're just a dumb bitch is all. Let me put it to you this way. I got so much swag, that," Lee then gestured to his entire body, as if he were revealing some prize, "it's just leaking from my pores, and I have bottles of the goop just lying around. Here, lemme give you some bottled swag." He proceeded to uncork an imaginary bottle, and drizzle the swag upon the perpetually perplexed princess.

Twilight Sparkle responded by ignoring the dripping swag, and trudging towards the bathroom, thoroughly convinced that she will not understand him on an empty stomach. But first, she needed to brush.

The three occupants of Golden Oaks were now gathered around the table for a bit of breakfast. Twilight hungrily munched on her cerealwhile Spike and Lee were enjoying a cheese and mushroom omelet with peridot pieces as a garnish for Spike.

Twilight looked to Lee's bits (which were now tidied up and placed in a bag), "So, Lee, what do you plan on doing with your bits? I would imagine that you're going to place it into a bank account, or properly invest it in a..."

"I'm gonna spend it all. To-DAY."

Twilight nearly spat her Mairsy-O's across the table, "All of it?! How are you going to spend 225 bits in one day?!"

Lee demolished the rest of his omelet before answering, "First off, I don't have any clothes. It's been over three days, and I feel too disgusted to go on. I'm gonna need a whole new f*cking wardrobe. Second, I gotta find some way to get gas for my Altima. I don't know how much that's gonna cost. AFTER all that shit, I'm going to do some more jobs, and THEN I'm gonna get a bank account. See? I got my shit figured out."

Spike finished his eggy-dish off and poked a question, "What are you going to do about clothes? I don't think they make much in your size... or species."

Lee shrugged, "Idk, I'll have to get it custom made and shit. So, that's gonna cost me an arm and a dick."

"How about Rarity?" Twilight suggested, "She is the best seamstress and fashionista around. She should be able to put something together in no time!"

Lee looked surprised, "She can do that shit?"

Spike nodded vigorously, "Yeah! She's the best, most talented, most beau—"

"I think he gets it, Spike," Twilight laughed, "but yes, Lee, if anypony can help, it's Rarity. You wanna head on over to Carousel Boutique later?"

Lee shot up from his seat, "No. We're GOING NOW!" He attempted to flip the table, but failed because it was built into the wooden floor. Lee saves face by running out the door, yelling, "TO THE SWAGMOBILE!"

Spike scurried after him, hurriedly taking notes as he scrambled. Twilight snickered at Lee's tomfoolery. He was kinda hilareal, and she could not deny that.

One high-speed and haphazard drive later, the three arrive at Carousel Boutique.

They walk to the entrance, but before Twilight can rap the door, Lee called, "KNOCK, KNOCK, MOTHERF*CKER!"

A slightly puzzled Rarity opened the door moments later, but smiled when she saw who arrived. "Good morning, Twilight, Spike, and Lee! Oh! And I do believe that this is Lee's first—"

"—What up ho? I need some of that swag-tag sauce, so then all them nigs be all like, 'oh-ho-ho shit lookat dat Swagdaddy-shawty!'" then Lee executed the Swag Shuffle that he had performed before.

".... pardon?"

Twilight sighed, "He needs some clothes made. Just some essentials to hold him over until he gets back home"

Rarity's expression broke into a smile, "Why didn't you say so? Come in, dears!"

Spike and Lee walked through the door, while Lee awkwardly cartwheeled inside and knocked over a mannequin.

Rarity floated measuring tape to Lee's figure and began to take measurements, "From the moment you began to reside in Ponyville, I could not help but think of the possibilities for your unique body type and species! This will truly be a worthy test for this mare!"

Lee let the seamstress do her work, and lifted his arms so that she could measure them, "Swag."

Rarity wrote the numbers on a notepad by her side, "What exactly do you wish for me to create, Lee? Simple t-shirts? Or perhaps something more formal, with a snappy collar? Maybe even a full tuxedo ensemble? Ah, wait! You just need what is absolutely necessary, do you not? Hmm, that is a shame..."

Lee's face began to twitch as he noticed that she failed to mention a certain, very important, article of clothing, "That's all well and good but...... what about the pants?"

Twilight frowned, "I thought you only needed the necessities? You know, so you have enough left over for the other things? Do you really need pants?"

"You do appear to wear your pantaloons whenever I see you." Rarity noted, "Why is that?"

Lee grimaced, "Because I don't have a retractable pony-dick. It just dangles between my legs." Rarity and Twilight instantly blushed, while Spike stifled a laugh.

Rarity started to stammer, "W-w-well pants it is! How about I draft the designs for the shirts and pants to you today, and get started on it tonight?"

"Wow, that fast?" Lee said incredulously, "Don't worry too much about the designs though. Just give 'em a dash of swag."

Rarity stopped upon properly hearing that curious word, "Swag? Pray tell, what do you mean by, 'swag'?"

Before Lee could launch into a cryptically long or short explanation about the definition of swag, Twilight left at this, "We'll leave so you can get to work, and Lee can fully explain when we go out for lunch today."

A wide smile split Lee's face as he threw an arm around Twilight and Rarity, "Hopefully not lunch at Stringy Linguini's! HARTY F*CKING HAR HAR!" The ponies simply stared at him, unsure of what response to choose. "Shut the f*ck up, YOU KNOW THAT WAS FUNNY!"

NOW they laughed. This was good, because if they had not laughed, a fiery wrath unlike any they have ever seen would have descended upon their unfortunate, mortal souls.

Everyone and everypony was at the Clover Cafe now. The Clover Cafe is an alfresco eatery that serves simple yet refined dishes. Lee would fully explain the word here... and he need only utter that word once, until something that he could have never imagined began. Something that he never meant to cause, something that would plague Equestria for a very long time, perhaps forever.

"Wait, what was that word again?" RD asked Lee.

Lee turned to her, and said in a deadpan voice, "Swag."

"It sounds...! Um..." Fluttershy searched for the correct words (and the least offensive ones) to describe the alien term, "...catchy?"

Applejack tilted her head to the side in curiousity, "An' what the hay does that mean, anyways?" Lee simply pointed to Spike. Spike had been staring dreamily at Rarity for twenty minutes, so it took a small punch from Lee to get his attention.

"Oh, right! The notes..." Spike fumbled for his notepad and read the highlighted findings aloud, "'Swag appears to be a noun, adjective, adverb, verb, preposition, or any part of speech. It appears to be associated with the following: coolness, stylishness, awesomeness, and even the way one walks.'"

It would be important to mention, that it was around this time, a group of young colts, most of which were in Ms. Cheerilee's class, passed within earshot. They had happened to overhear the strange word, 'swag'. They also caught part of the definition for it and decided to stay to listen. That foreign and catchy word had piqued their interest.

Lee nodded to Spike, gesturing that he was on the right track.

Spike continued with his notes, "'I shall list some examples of swag in a sentence. 'Have you seen my swag, bro? You ain't even on my level.', 'Dude, that snapback has got some swag.', 'Why you messin' with my swag, bro?'. This is what I have found so far with 'swag'." Lee clapped his hands in approval.

"Oooooh, " Rarity realized, "I see now. That is quite a versatile word... perhaps, not the most classy of them."

Rainbow rose from her seat in admiration, "Swag... I love it! That's the perfect word for me! Have you ever seen so much swag on a pony? Swag-swag-swag!" She struck a pose with each use of, 'swag'.

The colts had heard enough. If the amazing and incredibly awesome Rainbow Dash approved of the satisfying word, it was worth the breath to speak. They all ran off, excitedly using the new word, eager to show it off to their other friends and foals. What they did not know about swag, was the integral information Lee revealed next.

Applejack grunted, "Sounds kinda dumb to me, I wouldn't wanna catch Apple Bloom sayin' that."

"Good job, Breakfast, you get it." this revelation caused some confusion among the ponies and Spike, "It's a stupid word, only used seriously by the most trashy and retarded douchebags of society. The only way to use it without being a complete jackass, is to make fun of it. Which is what I do. I don't take that word seriously, and y'all better pray that no one f*cking does. By the way, why haven't you said anything, Cream Pie? Aren't ya gonna try to molest me or some sh*t?"

That was another peculiar aspect of the luncheon. Pinkie Pie had not said a single word since Lee mentioned, 'swag'. In fact, the only thing moving, was her continuously flopping ears. She also appeared to be shivering uncontrollably.

"Uh oh. Shivering and flopping ears! This Pinkie Sense only means one thing..." she suddenly squawked and leaped onto the table, "ALL OF PONYVILLE'S FOALS ARE IN TROUBLE!"

* * *

They were still lost. The human, Ditzy the pegasus, and Reginald the Raptor (that is his new name) were still hopelessly lost. They were also cold, hungry, tired, and hurt. The season's slow transition to winter only made things worse. They had not eaten in days, Ditzy's wing was still injured, Reginald was reeling from the cold climate, and a close encounter with Timber Wolves had left the human badly bruised. After all, smashing wooden wolves with your body and rocks did not feel too good for anybody. Surprisingly, his glasses were completely intact.

"Ey', Ditz... How long has it been for you...?" the human asked.

"About fifteen years in this world."

"Nn... no, I meant how long have ya been lost?"

Ditzy thought to herself to draw the number out, "I've been lost for... a little over three days. I'm never doing long distance mail again... heh heh. I even lost my mailbag... so stupid."

"We're all dumbasses." the human replied, "I've been wandering for... somewhere around the same time. Hey, I just realized, this is the second time we haven't been really running from something."

Ditzy giggled, "Yeah, we have some bad luck, don't we?"

The human snorted, and glanced at the accursed book he still had concealed under his jacket, "Yeah... Luck."

He looked up, and spotted something that granted hope. "Hey, I think I see a big ol' cave! Maybe we can sleep somewhere inside without being maimed in our sweet-slumber?" he turned back to Ditzy, "Anything that'll kill us inside?"

"Not if we don't mess with it." Ditzy explained, "Anything inside will be too big to care about us."

"I'll take that as a yes."

The odd trio made way for the gigantic cave entrance, looking for a place to rest inside, under the cover of darkness. They walked about forty feet inside, just to where the sun's illumination ended. Funnily enough, the cave seemed to actually generate warmth. While that made little sense to the human, he did not care. Nothing really made sense here.

The raptor laid its side against a flat rock and closed its eyes. The human nearly collapses as he eases to the ground, and puts his back on the raptor, preparing to sleep as well. Ditzy leaned on Reginald, and pushed closer to the others in an attempt to stay warm. She immediately fell asleep from the fatigue.

Her sleeping appearance reminded the human of the dog he had back home. For nostalgia's sake, he began to scratch her stomach. She responded by kicking her leg erratically, much like his dog. He stifled a laugh, and began to think. Would he ever go home, and see that dog of his again? Would he even find a way out of this odd Hell he's been placed in? At least he knew what the cause of this was.

He glowered at the book beneath his jacket. He knew this was behind it all. Somehow, for some reason, this thing had thrown his life out of orbit. And he knew that it was why he had been getting so much bad luck. At least he managed to pick up some friends in this bizarre world. A pegasus and a... dinosaur. Even the pegasus looked surprised to see the raptor, so that told the human something. It told him that raptors still were not the norm, not even here.

He yawned, removed his glasses and closed his eyes, "I could really use a steak, right about now."

***

The two royal sisters were having tea in the Study. They attempted this activity everyday, so that they could have some respite from their responsibilities and that they may enjoy each other's conversation. However, the subject of the talk was a bit more strange, this time around.

"Have they all been recaptured?" Celestia inquires of Luna after a sip of Earl Gray.

Luna shakes her head and puts her cup of jasmine down, "All but one, sister. However, it was the docile subject. It should not harm anypony. I still find it hard to believe that they went through with the project despite our orders."

Celestia rolls her eyes, "When ponies want something enough, they do not let anything get in their way."

Luna grimaces, "I also find it hard to believe that it was success. I did not know resurrecting beasts of old was possible, without our help, I mean."

"I'm just glad we stopped those foolish ponies quickly." Celestia reasons, "First, they revive Swamp Raptors, who knew what could have been next? Those creatures are gone for good cause. Besides, we have too many old enemies that don't need the possibility of returning."

Luna then brings up a topic that has bugged her for some time, "What about my student's friend, G..Girr...Gurkirt? I have not found a single trace of him, anywhere. It's as if something is concealing him. What about you, sister? Have you any luck?"

Celestia sighs, "Afraid not. It is as you say. It seems like something keeps him from our view through all of our searches. To make things worse, a very young Ponyville mailmare is missing. Ditzy Doo is her name. I can only hope she makes it back to her little sister in Ponyville."

Silence fills the the Study as the two mull on these words, interrupted occasionally by a sip of their respective teas. Luna breaks this quiet once more,"Sister... I feel," Luna searches her mind for what she properly felt, "I feel... that there is something much deeper afoot."

Celestia chuckles at her sister's suspicions, "Isn't there always?"

Author's Note

This chapter was sort of lighthearted. It's a bit of a breather for Lee, considering he saved Ponyville, and maybe even Equestria. Twice. Anyways, most of the heavy content was directed towards the missing trio, and this will be true for the next chapter.

Btw, I lied when I said they would all meet soon. I changed my mind! I got a better idea for it.

This really wasn't a cliffhanger(where Pinkie said the foals are in trouble) if you can tell where this is going. But it wasn't supposed to be a cliffhanger.

Anyways, the next chapters will be like this, lighthearted and such. I am actually thinking about making the next a choose your own adventure.

A) Lee helps the Diamond Dogs
B) Lee gets pissed off by Gilda the Griffon
C)Lee teaches Spike to be a man (will be funny, but will end up getting deep character development between the two. A funny but layered chapter.)

The Desolation of Swag

*READ AUTHOR'S NOTE AT THE END*******************

"Implying that I give a shit."

Pinkie and the others gaped in horror at his apathy towards the Ponyville youth's danger. Lee saw Twilight's mouth open to begin a long and unnecessary lecture about morals that humans should already know and practice in our everyday lives, and raised his arms in defeat, "DAMN, I was just screwing around. How the Hell do you know that the midget-ponies are gonna get mutilated and probably eaten anyways?"

Twilight pulled a face, "Maimed? Eaten?"

Applejack nudged Lee to get his attention, "Uh, sugar cube? I don't think Pinkie mentioned nun' o' that."

"Aha!" Lee interjected, "She did not exclude it either when she said, 'danger'. Therefore, we can conclude, that there is a possibility of maiming and consumption. Now..." Lee quickly grabbed Fluttershy in a tight headlock (not too tight as to cause the pegasus to erupt in tears, which would have caused Lee to possibly execute an Anal-Falcon-Punch) , "You damn Viet-Congs better f*cking tell me how the Hell Cream Pie knows before I slit this pretty-pony's throat..."

"It's Pinkie Sense, darling." Rarity explained calmly, so as not to set off the volatile human, "Pinkie has various ticks and such, that informs her of an event before it occurs. Such as falling objects, opening doors, and the like. Understand, dear?"

Lee grimaced and nodded in response.

Then a wicked scowl split his face, "Not good enough, b*tch!" With that, Lee swiped his index finger across the confused captive's throat and gently pulled her head to the tabletop, "Shhh.... shhh.... sleep, now."

"Uh... okay?" Amazingly, she seemed to comply by closing her eyes in pseudo-slumber. Lee, Spike and Pinkie seemed to be the only ones that openly laughed at this hilareal display (that's really+hilarious= hilareal, for those that forgot this wondrous word).

Applejack shook her head at his antics while quietly chuckling, "She ain't pullin' yer leg, Lee. It's just somethin' us Ponyville-ponies learned to accept and trust."

Lee vaguely remembered that the pony who had been named after a cereal box was the Element of Honesty, and he was sure that if she lied, she would burst in a conflagration of thunderbolt and lightning. This compelled him to trust her.

"Okay, you have a dumbass version of Tourettes that tells the future, I'll buy that shit. So what exactly is the problem?"

Pinkie took a deep breath, and expelled the mixture of air and tension to say, "I don't know!"

Lee cocked his head at an angle, "What?"

Twilight and pals rose from their seats (with the exception of the dumbstruck Lee) as the Alicorn formulated a plan of action, "Right! We need to find out what exactly is endangering the foals, and put a stop to it as quickly as possible! Me and Pinkie will check the schools, Applejack and Rarity should--"

Lee interrupted by throwing his chair and yelling "F*ck this shit." Then he proceeded to return to Golden Oaks Library. There was only so much nonsense he could take at once.

It had been a day since Pinkie's announcement of danger, and everypony was still in high alert. The residential ponies knew to trust Pinkie's twitches, and were watching for peril at every hour. But then the impossible happened, meaning nothing happened.

Lee stretched, and accidentally rolled himself off of the bed, hitting the wooden floor with a resounding thud.

He rose to his feet while moaning in hunger and pain, "F*cking pony beds... mmm... hungry... wish they had a Waffle House..." Lee glanced at his iPhone 5 in orange and camouflage casing (The battery had been enchanted to recieve power from magic sparks, courtesy of Twilight.) to see the time.

It was an hour past noon. This was strange, because Twilight usually prevented this by pestering him to wake up long before then. Lee decided to investigate.

Lee headed to the ground floor by walking down the wooden steps, all the while complaining about the lack of carpeting on the hard-edged steps. He looked around to see that Twilight and Spike were not here. Then his ear caught the hum of machinery below him. He searched for the source of the sound, until he found the steps leading to the basement betwixt two bookshelves to the right. This was also when he realized that he had never ventured to the lower levels of his new home. Lee quickly fastened the cape that he, once again, stole from a colt, and heroically ran down the steps.

Nothing could prepare him for what he saw at the bottom floor. Machines. Great, flashing, steel beasts of unknown purposes blinked around him. In the center of it all, was a Twilicorn and Spike examining Pinkie, who had been connected to a steel monstrosity while a clunky, wired helmet adorned her head.

"WHAT KINDA KINKY SHIT IS THIS?!" cried the confused human.

The three partakers of science regarded him with a smile. Twilight lowered a clipboard she held in her magic to address him, "We're just running some tests on Pinkie's Pinkie Sense. This is the first time it's been wrong!" Twilight failed to hide her pleased expression.

Pinkie's giggled at the scientist's verdict, as if she had seen this happen before. "It's not wrong, we just haven't found it yet!"

Spike nodded in agreement, "Besides, remember what happened the last time you were so skeptical about it?"

Twilight blushed in embarrassment, "I still remember, alright. I shouldn't dismiss it so quickly, I guess we still got some more looking to do... but that doesn't mean I shouldn't stop trying to understand this Pinkie Sense! I got some new equipment since that time, and I might be able to find something!"

"Twilight..." Spike began to chastise.

"I know, I know," Twilight assured, "but it's different this time! This time, I accept Pinkie Sense as fact. I only want to understand it. Is that alright Pinkie?"

Pinkie Pie happily nodded, "But, don't we need to look for the super-scary-possibly-foal-eating-danger?"

"I'll look around." Lee volunteered, to the surprise of Twilight, "I'm bored, and I'll get somethin' to eat while I'm out. Leggo, Spike, I need mah Lil' Nigga."

Lee scrambled back up the stairs, tripping several times along the way. Spike looks to Twilight, and she smiled in approval. He gives her a quick hug before going after Lee in his pursuit of food and danger.

Lee and Spike munched on apple fritters as they journeyed to the Ponyville schoolhouse. Lee had figured that the best way to find the, 'danger', would have been to check on the foals themselves. He was aware that his pony compatriots would have gone through this reasoning as well, but he did not care, because he believed that his more sensible mind would have uncovered more. Besides, Lee felt like scaring children today. Thoughts of terrified foals brought a smile to his face as the two reached the schoolhouse.

Before Spike could politely knock on the door, Lee had tackled through it.

He burst into the place of learning, and roared while wiggling his arms, as if he were some noodly bogey-monster. "OOGA BOOGA MOTHERF*CKERS!"

However, no shrieks, no faces twisted in horror, not a single tear of terror came from the schoolfoals. Unfortunately for Lee, the foals, Cheerilee included, had grown used to the humans sudden, thunderous appearances.

Diamond Tiara snorted in the back, "Ugh. Not him again."

Lee decided to let that comment slide, he could not legally rend a filly to pieces... not here.

Everypony else, however, seemed happy to see him.

The rest of the foals say in unison (with the exception of the Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara) , "Hi, Spike and Lee!"

Cheerilee smiled at the deflated Lee and dragon duo, "It's always good to see you two! What can I do for you to today?"

Lee attempted to tip Cheerilee's desk on its side, but strained his back in the process, and nearly collapsed in pain. "Where... where's the danger at, hoes?"

"Excuse me?"

"He's talking about Pinkie's warning." Spike explained.

"Oh! That. Well..." Cheerilee did a quick sweep of the room with her eyes, "no danger, as far as I can tell."

Lee rose and fixed his collar. "K'." then he waved, and turned to walk back out the door

"No need to worry yahself, Lee!" Apple Bloom sayed, "Everythin's been swag."

The mere mention of that word cracked a putrid bolt of fear through Lee's soul, halting him in his tracks.

Lee slowly turned around, his visage bearing a look of supreme apprehension, "The f*ck did you just say...?"

Scootaloo raised an eyebrow, "She just said swag... you know what swag is, don't you?"

Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon cackle at his seemingly apparent ignorance, "Who doesn't know swag is?" they hoofbump at their complacent irritation.

Cheerilee chuckled and rolled her eyes, "It's just some harmless new slang that all the colts and fillies are saying. They use it for just about everything."

Spike grunted, "Huh, that's weird. How did they know about that? Uh... you alright, Lee?"

Spike had noticed that Lee was trembling and breaking out in a cold sweat.

He stammered a question to the growingly concerned teacher, "H-h-how long? And h-h-how many have b-been saying... swag?"

"I'm not sure how long it has been," Cheerilee answered, "but it's all over the place! Ponyville, Fillydelphia, Vanhoover, Cloudsdale, Manehatten, even Canterlot...! But why the—" but she was talking to empty space, because Lee had charged out of the class with Spike tucked under an arm.

"No, no, PLEASE NO!" Lee chanted as he sprinted away from the schoolhouse.

His ears had been working exceptionally as he ran past the ponies of Ponyville. He heard it. He heard the telltale cluster of letters that spelled, 'swag'. It was being used by a large ratio of the ponies he had seen, either in interest of the word or casual conversation. This frightened him even further as he saw a group of colts (a mite older than the schoolfoals, but a little younger than the Elements of Harmony) sporting stickered-snapbacks and plain, oversized shirts. The one thought that passed through his mind was, 'this can't be happening.'

"What's wrong, Lee?!?!?!" Spike shouted as he was carried like a football in Lee's mad dash.

Lee reached the town square and plopped Spike down onto a bench. He quickly spotted the magazine vendor and made for the counter. He chucked a couple of bits into the clerk's muzzle and snatched the nearest copy of Equestria Today. On the cover was the Pony of Pop that Lee had learned of in his stay at Ponyville: Sapphire Shores. She was wearing a hodgepodge of 'bling', a pair of snapbacks pointed in opposite directions over her braided mane, skin-tight zebra-print leggings, and a bedazzled blouse that spelled 'The Pony of SWAG". Of course, spelled in large, red letters above her was, 'SWAG, the hippest slang that EVERYBODY knows and uses!'

Lee stifled a sob, and skimmed through an article on the matter. Swag was everywhere, all the foals, and all the biggest stars were saying it.

Lee suddenly screamed, "WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK! IT'S ONLY BEEN ONE F*CKING DAY, AND EVERYONE IS SAYIN' IT?! HOOOOOOOOOOW?!?!??!!?D:?!?!"

He found his answer as he continued reading. Apparently, a certain Pony of Pop was passing through Ponyville, incognito, the other day. She was in the process of recording a single, but just couldn't find the right words to finish it. However, she overheard a group of colts use the fated word, and subsequently explain it. Inspiration struck, and she returned to Manehatten to finish the single in a remarkable span of two hours. She debuted her single, and it aired over all the radio ('Equestria has radios', Lee thought, 'go figure.') stations, meaning EVERYPONY heard it.

The style that emerged with 'swag' seemed to have come from Sapphire Shores following performance. She and the backup dancers had been wearing the 'swaggy' clothing, spreading a new fashion craze along with the word.

However, no matter how much blame and spittle Lee blasted, he knew the core cause of all this. Lee fell to his knees, threw his arms out, and cried out to the sky, "WHAT HAVE I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE?!?!?!?!"

Spike grabbed the magazine and gave it a quick read. His eyes grew wide with realization. When he took Swag 101, Lee had heavily drilled the implications of 'swag' when used like this, and he knew how serious this was.

"Lee... I think we found the 'danger'... but we're too late."

Gasps of nearby ponies filled the air as a cloaked stranger tossed her guise aside, "Are you enjoying my cover in Equestria Today?"

Lee and Spike froze in recognition of the voice. They both slowly turned around and faced the Pony of Swag. She was decked in the exact same outfit on the cover of the magazine.

"Ohmigosh," squeed a nearby fanfilly, "it's Sapphire Shores!!!!" this brought on a roar of applause and cheer as fanponies attempted to greet the popstar. They were quickly repulsed by a pair of burly guard-stallions so that Sapphire Shores could approach the petrified pair.

"Greetings, Mr. Dragon! Once I saw the valiant drake who helped craft Miss Rarity's beautiful ensembles, and the human who has been all the rage recently, I simply HAD to remove my guise and speak to you in person! So, did you two enjoy my SENSATIONAL new single, 'Sapphire Swag'?"

Lee took deep shaky breaths as rage began to choke his lungs, "Oh we f*cking enjoyed it alright..."

Spike facepalmed and Sapphire Shores did a double-take, "Excuuuuse me?"

Lee stepped a little closer and released the dam of sensitivity he bottled up in his psyche, "YOU F*CKED US!"

"Uh... Lee." Unfortunately, Spike's words would have done nothing to stop the tirade he unleashed.

"YOU'VE GONE AND F*CKED US ALL, YOU ATTENTION WHORING MOTHERF*CKER!!!"

"AH' BEG YOUR PARDON?" Sapphire Shores shouted back, "What right, have you, to raise your voice, and to SWEAR, at the Pony of Pop--no--Swag?! I created a fantastic single and established a pop-culture slang that will last for DECADES!"

At this point, all had fallen silent to witness the monumental argument that was taking place.

Lee snorted, and spat on the ground, not too far from Sapphire's basketball hoof-shoes which probably costed a fortune. "THAT, because of THAT shit right there! It's because of the trashy motherf*ckers LIKE YOU THAT give me the right! DON'T spread your garbage to these ponies, they're stillPURE YOU ALCOHOLIC, MONEY-HUNGRY, PROSTITUTE!!!"

Sapphire smirked and turns to the now-booing fans. "I get it now, this poor-creature is jealous of the vast amounts of high-quality swag I possess!"

Lee pulled a face, "Bitch please! I've seen tranny crack-whores with more style than you!"

This had gotten Sapphire's attention.

She turned back with a thoroughly offended expression, "Are you trying to say... that you have more swag than the Pony of SWAG HERSELF?!"

Lee raised his hands defensively, "What?! No! I'm saying that all this swag shit is—"

"Then that TEEEEEEAAAAAARS IT!" she announced, "The only way to settle this disagreement... is a SWAG-OFF!!!!"

The heralding of a swag-challenge brought whoops and cheers from the sizable congregation that had gathered.

"TONIGHT, ON THE TWELTH HOUR OF THE NIGHT!"

"WHAT?!" Lee called over the jubilant crowd, "But that's just f*cking stupid!" Unfortunately, no one heard his cries of sanity and reason.

Before he could protest anymore, a teal glow had enveloped his and Spike's body. The two were quickly and silently carried away from the raucous town square.

The two were levitated into a nearby alley. The scarfed-caster quickly released the spell and collapsed, panting from the effort of carrying the two. The mare took to her hooves and removed the scarf from her head. It was none-other than Rarity.

"Are you insane!" she quietly screamed. "You have just angered and publicly insulted the Pony of... Swag. All of Equestria's fanfillies will be after your head!"

Lee brushed himself off before speaking, "You don't know how bad this sh*t really is." He approached Rarity, and began to lightly shake her by her head, "I've seen things...! Horrible things.... all because of swag... if this isn't stopped, you're all f*cked."

Rarity looked to Spike. He furiously nodded in agreement.

She sighed in exasperation, "Is it really that bad? Aren't you exaggerating—"

"Have you seen the latest issue of Equestria Today?" Spike interjected.

"No, I was on my way to pick it up, actually. I heard there was a hot, new, fashion craze that I simply..." her voice faded to horrified whispers as Spike showed her the cover of the magazine and the fashion choice perpetuated by the Pony of Pop. "... but it's just so tacky!"

"Yeah." Lee nodded, "It gets soooo much worse. If this keeps up, you'll be making animal-print leggings and snapbacks for the rest of your miserable life."

Rarity was silent for a few seconds as she thought.

Her eyes now bore resolve and cold decision, "We need to stop this."

"But, how?" Spike asked.

"The Swag Off." Rarity cringed, "You're going to have to win the Swag Off. Once you display how much more... swag... you have, you can slowly direct the pony population back to proper fashion. And I am going to assist you. It's time to put those measurements we took to use."

Lee checked the time. He had ten hours until the appointed showdown.

"We better get to work."

"Spike... you're joking, right?" Twilight asked Spike as she and her friends trotted to Carousel Boutique.

"Nope!" Spike snapped, "And if I was, why would I take you all to Rarity's at midnight?"

"It's just... that Ah' have a hard time believin' that, 'swag', is the danger all the foals are in." Applejack reasoned.

"I mean... it can't be that bad." Fluttershy agreed.

Rainbow Dash hovered overhead, sporting a backwards snapback and shutter shades, "How can 'swag' be a danger? It's just a word! Besides," she then gestured to her limited apparel, "just LOOK at my swagger, how dangerous can it be to look this awesome?"

The ponies began to murmur and complain about the seemingly pointless trek. All except Pinkie, who had not said a single word.

"Juuuuust wait..." Spike warned as he reaches Carousel Boutique's door.

He didn't even have to knock, Lee and Rarity had already began to open the door. Everypony (and dragon) admired Lee's new ensemble, the fruit of 10 hours of constant labor at the hooves of a tired but incredibly pleased unicorn named Rarity. "It's done, just in time too!"

Lee nodded in approval and smirked. He strutted to his Altima parked nearby, and opened the doors, "Let's roll, bitches."

The town square was a hub of excitement and anticipation. All the ponies had congregated around the stage, ready for the show of season. The excitement peaked when Lee's Altima drifted on-scene. However, none of the spectators could get a look at him, considering he quickly hid behind the stage curtains.

The question on everyone's mind now was, how did a Swag Off begin?

Sapphire Shores answered that when she entered in a flashing chariot pulled by a team of pegasi bedecked in the latest doorags and oversized shirts. There was no announcement, no speaker, no ceremony, it just began.

Sapphire Shores hit the stage (in the same outfit as before), and said to all the cheering fans in an explosion of pyrotechnics, "Let the Swag Off, BEGIN!"

And boy, did it begin.

She danced and sang to her new single, 'Sapphire Swag', with her slew of background Pegasi and Zebras. There were flashes of light, auto-tuned voices, smoke, and lyrics so dreadfully awful that they could not be written in text.

Four long minutes passed, and she finally ended her performance with a rocket bursting in the sky, spelling, 'SWAG'. The fans went absolutely raving mad, cheering louder than what their vocal cords should have allowed. Eventually, that howling took its toll, and they quieted down.

Lee took that as his sign, and began to step out.

Sapphire stopped him before he could go, just to say, "Try and top that... especially in THAT outfit." Lee ignored her, and marched to the center of the stage.

The audience was confused. This was... swag?

Lee was wearing a jet black tuxedo and tie that perfectly fit his body in all places. Nothing over the top. It was just something... classy.

Lee straightened his tie, and took the mic, "Instead of giving a half-assed performance with sh*tty lyrics and no real message, I'm going to talk to you." Lee took a deep breath, "FOR GOD'S SAKE, TAKE A F*CKING LOOK AT YOURSELVES!!!!!" while the audience was shocked by his outburst, they did what he said. They glanced at themselves and their neighbor, scanning the snapbacks, over-sized shirts, shutter-shades, and other impractical articles of clothing brought by the Swag.

"YOU LOOK LIKE TRASHY JACKASSES THAT BELONG ON THE STREETS! I'M F*CKING SERIOUS, YOU ALL LOOK HOMELESS!!! WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU WEAR SHUTTER SHADES?! WHY THE F*CK WOULD YOU LEAVE THE STICKER ON YOUR HATS?! WHY, THE, ACTUAL, FUCK, WOULD YOU WEAR THOSE SKINTIGHT LEGGINGS, YOU LOOK LIKE WHORES!" the ponies suddenly began to feel very self-conscious as they gave themselves an actual look in the proverbial mirror.

Lee held up his hand to calm the chattering, "Look, I was wrong. The problem isn't the actual clothing. Even 'swag', although it's the dumbest f*cking thing I have heard in a decade, isn't the problem!" Lee pointed to the ponies in the crowd, "IT'S YOU, THAT'S THE F*CKING PROBLEM. You know where that word came from? It came from ME!!! It didn't even take three days and everyone is already using it.

"You wanna know why so many of you f*ckers are using it? Because some famous jizz-witch is using it! What the f*ck, ponies?! You don't even care what the style is. I know, because you are adopting the trashiest, laziest, form of culture possible: the swag culture! You assholes are so keen on being cool, you just do whatever the next f*cker is doing! Have some damn self-respect, have some f*cking INDIVIDUALITY!

"Do you wanna keep wearing that shit? GO THE F*CK AHEAD! But don't wear it because some NOTORIOUS F*CK-BURGER is! I'm so F*CKING TIRED OF THIS SHIT! DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO, NOT WHAT SOME BEDAZZLED WHORE IS TELLING YOU! I'M DONE!" Lee dropped the mic, and strutted off stage, leaving the audience, even Sapphire Shores, dumbstruck by his words.

In the back of the crowd was a certain alicorn of the night. She was very proud of that speech, and she was very happy that she had such a smart apprentice. "Well done, Lee. Well, done. I don't know if there is very much that I can teach you."

Author's Note

Well, this ended up being my longest chapter yet. However, it is also the most meaningful. I addressed a problem that I see too much of. I don't hate the swag culture. I hate the reasons for it's prevalence.

The next chapter will have a whole lot more focus on the unnamed human (it's blatantly obvious who he is, btw) and other spooky things.
AFTER THAT, however, is The Choose Your Own Adventure chapter. The choices are
---Lee gets pissed off by Gilda the Griffon
---Lee helps out the Diamond Dogs
---Lee teaches Spike to be a man. (a character development chapter, so it gets deeper, but not as eventful as the other two )

I already have a vote for #3, so comment your votes in the comment section, of course!

Gogurt.

READ AUTHOR'S NOTE AT THE END@@@@@@@@

Dear Princess Celestia,

The other day, something strange happened. I'm sure you heard about it by now. I am speaking of swag, of course. It only took a day for that word to spread all the way across Equestria! Now, it's the most popular slang, used by all the celebrities. Its meaning is just about anything, honestly. Funnily enough, it was Lee who introduced the word. He was also really afraid of it, saying that this was why all the foals were in danger...? He warned us that it would have a profoundly negative effect on society. While I don't think it was really that bad (Lee and Rarity would disagree), I learned that I should pay more attention to what my friends are saying, no matter how ridiculous it may be. I thought I learned this with the Parasprite Incident, but I guess this shows that there is always something to learn about friendship!

Your Faithful Student,

Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Full-Moon-Ass,

I learned to watch my f*cking mouth. Like, seriously, what the f*ck. It only took ONE DAMN DAY FOR THAT F*CKING, IDIOTIC, DOUCHE-LADEN, CULTURE, to spread across the whole damn country. What the Hell is up with that?! Luckily, I stopped the shit before it could hit the fan by using a bit of class and a suit n' tie, but really... wait a second... I DIDN'T LEARN SHIT! I basically went through all that shit for nothing, the f*ck do I care if y'all start acting like swaggots? You know what? F*ck ponies, and f*ck friendship lessons. Friendship lessons.... wait, are you even getting this shit? All I know is my L'il Nig burns it, and maaagically sends it to you. Are y'all bullshitting me? Write the f*ck back so I know I'm not wasting my time. If you don't, Ima start writin' random shit. I'm too real for this. F*ck you (luv ya bby girr).

F*ck this,

Lee the Legend.

As Princess Luna finished reading her new acolyte's letter, many thoughts scurried through her head. She was still a bit new to this apprentice-mentor relationship. One of the thoughts was of an appropriate response. Even after all the letters she received from Lee, she still had not written a single thing back to him.

"Reading your latest friendship report, Luna?"

Her sister's sudden appearance in the doorway of her chambers nearly startled her. Luna looks to Celestia with a frown and nods. Celestia frowns and trots closer. "What is wrong, sister?"

Luna shamefully levitates the stack of Lee's letters to her, "I... I haven't written Lee back since he started writing to me... and now he expects a response."

Celestia chuckles at her sister's embarrassment, "Why haven't you responded, sister? A correspondence is required for a proper student-teacher relationship."

"Because... well, I don't know how..." Luna unfolds the letters, "read for yourself."

Celestia's grin slowly fades as she takes upon the task of reading the colorful friendship reports. Once she finished, she resealed the letters, and put them back in their stack.

Luna cocks an eyebrow, "Well...?"

For the first instance in a long time, the nigh-immortal, Alicorn-Princess-of-the-Sun, was truly stumped. "He isn't like... most ponies... perhaps we can learn an appropriate response from the other human!"

At the mention of Lee's lost companion, the princesses quickly grew silent. Their constant search had yielded no humans, and those perpetual results weighed down on the two rulers.

"A week has passed... but we still haven't found him... I did, however, manage to perform a Scan-Spell over Equestria during the night." Celestia noted, "While the readings gave us nothing of Lee's friend, it picked up something... strange."

A curious frown took Luna's expression, "What is it? May I see the readings?"

Celestia's brow knit together while she thought of the peculiar results, "A trace of some unknown magic, scattered sporadically across the kingdom." she exhales deeply, in an attempt to soothe the building tension, "I already sent the readings to Twilight to see if you she could make anything of it... sorry. Hopefully, these anomalies will become clear when we find Lee's friend."

Luna looked towards the window, and on the waking city of Canterlot, "If we ever do find him..."

Celestia shrugged, "Then again, scanning for magical traces is just about the most useless method of tracking. At least it is something."

***

The bathroom door slams open, releasing a hissing mass of white steam. A freshly-showered human awkwardly combat-rolls into the library's den and executes a Swag Shuffle. "Swag."

Twilight and Spike stopped eating to observe Lee's heroic pose.

Twilight groggily curls her lip, "Thought you hated that word?"

Lee shakes his head in disappointment, "No, dammit. I said that I hate the culture, my speech made that very clear."

"Gonna have to excuse Twilight," Spike explains, "she was up late, studying some papers the Princess sent."

Twilight confirmed the late-night-study-session when she missed her spoon of Mairsy-O's entirely, poking herself in the eye. "OW!"

Twilight groans as she rubs her inflamed eye. "I need to get back to work. I'm not that hungry anyways. Besides, I've only spent seven hours working at it."

Lee grimaces at the implications of the princess's work ethic, "Please tell me you showered."

"Well, I washed my face—"

"—Cleanse yourself." Lee points to the misty bathroom, "Now."

"What? I smell fine, and I'm perfectly clean, so why do I have to shower now? I still have a lot—"

"—BITCH! I said, to cleanse yourself, you nasty-ass whore."

Instead of an intelligible response, she blows a raspberry, "Pbbbbt!" and begins to walk back to her study.

Lee cackles to himself, and abruptly voids all emotion. "You think this is a f*cking game?"

He launches himself across the library, and tackles Twilight to the floor. Lee quickly rises to his feet, with a struggling Twilight tucked under an arm. He marches towards the bathroom, paying no heed to the protesting princess. Spike could only watch and laugh.

"Put, me, down! I don't have time to shower, I have to analyze these readings for Princess Celestiaaaaaa!" Twilight commands as she wriggles in his firm hold.

Lee steps onto the tiled floor of the bathroom, and cranks the bath's faucets. "Tough tits, princess."

He raises her over the fast-filling tub, and she voices more futile struggles, "Quuuuuiit iiiiiit! You can't do this to me—" but Lee had already submerged her into the steamy water.

Before Lee left the grumpy Twilicorn, he imparted a nugget of wisdom, "Remember that you have a magical-dildo growing out of your head. Don't forget to use it next time."

Lee slams the door shut, leaving Twilight with one question, "What the hay is a dildo?"

Lee stomps back to the table where Spike sat, who was still giggling from the demeaning display, and drains a glass of orange juice that Spike had poured for him. "So, what the f*ck is the Twili-Bitch freaking out over this time?"

Spike finishes off his toast with a burp before speaking, "Princess Celestia sent the results of some Scan-Spell over. She wanted to see if Twilight could figure out what the anomalal...anomono..." he decides to give up on the fun, but big, noun, "she wanted to see if Twilight could figure out what the weird magic she found was."

"Oh... that's it? Don't y'all get weird magic and sh*t everyday?"

Spike shakes his head, "Well, yeah, but this is supposed to be really weird. And, besides, Princess Celestia was hoping to find your friend in the Scan-Spell. She's been looking ever since you asked her to, but... well... I guess you can tell that they haven't found much."

The search for Lee's friend hit him like a ten-ton weight. The matter had almost been completely forgotten about over the many strange events during his stay. The color drains from Lee's face as he thinks about his missing friend. It has been an entire week. And there is still no sign of him. He thinks to himself, 'Here I am throwing dirty ponies into bathtubs, and he could be lying in a ditch somewhere...'.

"I'm gettin' really worried..."

"Huh?"

Lee sits down as anger replaces the lost color in his face, "Nobody even knows where the f*ck he is."

Spike quickly perceives where this route was headed, "H-h-hey! We could still find him, it's not over—"

"—It's been seven days. Spike." Lee interjects with rising volume, "Seven. F*cking. Days. Maybe we haven't found him because some f*cking monster, like that damn spider, ate whatever was left to find? Has anybody even thought of that? Because that's what it's starting to damn well look like. Ugh..." Lee snorts, "It's all my damn..."

"Lee! You don't know that!" Spike jumps onto the table to punctuate his point, "Equestria is a huuuuuuge place! He could be anywhere, but that doesn't mean somewhere bad! There are lots of good places and good ponies out there! If anything, he could be safe somewhere, having the same conversation with a baby dragon, looking for you!"

Lee raises his eyebrows as Spike's words rings true, "Wow. You're really damn good at this sorta sh*t, you know?"

Spike crosses his arms and nods once, "I've been Twilight's emotional-anchor for a long while, so I better be good."

* * * * *

The lost human groans and stirs as he begins to exit his slumber. Ditzy and Reginald the raptor are awoken by his movements.

The human smacks his lips, and painfully rubs his dry throat, "Need some watuh'..." he croaks in a raspy voice, "freakin' cave dust in my throat." the human starts to hack and cough, removing the dust and moistening his throat with a blanket of mucus, fixing his voice. He stretches, puts on his glasses, and rises to his feet.

Ditzy works out some cracks in her back before standing on all four legs, "I'm getting thirsty too... and hungry."

"Don't worry, the hunger will take long, slow, agonizing weeks to end us." the human fails to reassure, "we need to get something to drink soon, or that will be what kills us!"

Ditzy's ears begin to droop, "Uh huh... well, where are we gonna get water? I really don't wanna go back into the Everfree..."

A quick grunt from Reginald grabs the two's attention. Reginald hops to his hindlegs, and proceeds to make a series of complicated figures with his forearms and claws. The human raises his eyebrow and grimaces, "Is he using sign language?"

"Yup!" Ditzy happily confirms, "He said, 'If water is our next objective, we should venture into this cavern. My primal instincts detect the presence of liquid somewhere below.'"

The human is rendered silent. "... I'm not even gonna ask how the Hell a raptor, or you, knows sign language. I'm just gonna play along, and hopefully die a quick and painless death."

Ditzy frowns, "Why would you wanna die? We've gotten so far!"

"I was using sarcasm, chica."

She nods in realization, "Ohhhhhhh, that's right. Ponies use that a lot with me, for some reason. I don't really get it though."

It was at this time the human unwittingly unearthed a bit of background about the Pegasus. He mentally connected the various events and mannerisms surrounding Ditzy with a red string, and realized, that she apparently lives up to her name... and that others seem to make use of it.

"Any...anyways, lead the way, Reginald."

Reginald grunts, and heads deeper into the dark cave, keeping to the right wall, occasionally stopping to sniff the air. The human and Ditzy follow suit, all keeping contact with each other so that they would not get lost in the darkness.

As they made their first right turn, they found that the obscurity was resolved in the form of some mysterious glow. There was a shining series of colors that seemed to lead deeper into the cave. Instead of questioning it, the trio decided to accept it as a circumstantial gift.

The trek had been long yet quiet, save for the clacking and scratching of their steps, but this lack of noise is welcomed. It meant nothing was attempting to tear their throats out. Of course, this could also mean that some sneaky devil is stalking them, effectively tearing their throats in silence. However, none of the three wanted to think about this possibility.

Eventually they reach a fork in their paths. Well, it would be a fork, if forks had twenty different prongs, meaning there were twenty possible routes to the life-giving water. Reginald takes a whiff of the cavern's air and proceeds down the leftmost tunnel.

Unfortunately, that tunnel had very unstable footing as well as a steep decline, causing the three to begin to slip and tumble. T

he human could only offer one sentence before the inevitably painful, yet comical, fall, "Caves suck."

They fell in a thrashing tornado of feathers, scales, and descriptive curses.

Every fall has an end, and this one proved no different, although this fall had deposited them into a rather large, rocky chamber. The human helped Ditzy and Reginald to their feet, before receiving a view of their unintended destination. The first thing he noticed was the source of the illuminating glow: gems. Piles upon piles of precious stone of every flavor, in a great hoard, lay in the center of the cavern.

The human grins from ear to ear, staggering closer to the vast vault of gems, "Ho-ho-hooooooly Hell. I can't wait to convert some o' this into worthless paper money!"

He looks back to his compatriots to see that Reginald was trying to get his attention. Reginald grunts twice, and points to the river running through the cavern. Except that it was a river of molten rock.

Reginald forms another series of gestures, which Ditzy quickly translates, "He said, 'Oops. Wrong liquid.'"

"H... how the Hell does that even... screw it." the human's thoughts shift to the mysterious mass of jewels, "Question is, who leaves such an unholy amount of greed in the middle of a cave?"

Reginald shrugs, but then his eyes grow wide. He growls erratically and frantically signs a message, finishing off by pointing behind the human.

The human snorts, "What is it now?" He veers in the raptor's pointed direction to see a bipedal, maroon reptile boasting an orange crest, and a pair of wings. It looked to be a foot and a half taller than the human. It glared down at him contemptuously, and snorted a ring of smoke around his neck.

Ditzy's ears droop and her pupils shrink as she stammers Reginald's translation, "He s-s-says, 'DRAGONS!!!'"

The dragon sneers and lowers its head, opening its jaw, menacing rows of jagged teeth, "Would you look at that? The food came to—"

"—PANCH!" the human interjects with an uppercut to the dragon's lowered chin.

The dragon jerks back from the sudden blow, "What the—"

"KIIICCCK!" then he delivers a whip kick to the exposed stomach, causing even more confusion and pain to the dragon's part.

Let it be known, that this chain of blows stems from a daily series of light slaps the human received when he was very young. Eventually, he developed appropriate reflexes to avoid or counter such sudden strikes. Unfortunately, that means he either punches or kicks people in the gonads when he is surprised, but he has learned to restrain himself.

However, when suddenly faced with a dragon, those restraints were ignored. As for why he is announcing each blow, who knows?

"JAAAB!" a jab to the Adam's Apple!

"'ANUTHA KICCCCCK!" a kick to the ribs!

"PAAAAANCH!" the dragon raises an arm to block the heralded punch, but it turns out that the human was lying so he could kick the dragon in the shins.

"Ouch!" The dragon kneels to clutch his aching legs, leaving his head wide open, effectively sealing his fate.

The human takes his chance and unleashes the perfect finisher for the situation, a jumping, spinning uppercut, AKA, the... "SHOOOOORYUUUUKEN!!!!!!!!"

The epic, spinning, strike(minus the flames accompanying the fist in popular culture) lifts the dragon off of its feet, and gravity pulls it back to the ground in a painful tumble. The dragon groans and rubs its chin, "Oooohh... owww..owww."

The human raises his arms in victory, "HO-HO!"

"Woooo!" Ditzy cheers from behind.

Then he felt something trickle down his knuckles. He brings his hands back to view, and sees that they are severely bruised, bleeding, and swollen. This is also when he registered the agonizing pain brought by impacts against the dragon's rough scales.

The mounting emotions were released in a tearful cry, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH, SON OF A WHOORE!!!! F*CK, my hands feel like they've been tossed in Dante's 8th Circle of Hell!"

Before the human could craft a dirge relating his agony to Dante's Inferno, something shakes the floor. These were steps. The steps of a foe much greater and much more terrible than the small dragon he defeated. A foe that would require much more than a Shoryuken for a knockout.

The full-grown, green dragon clambers onto its hoard and spies the intruders, as well as the bested drake on the ground. "NOT ONLY DO YOU INTRUDE ON MY LAIR, AND WAKE ME FROM MY SLUMBER WITH YOUR INSUFFERABLE CRIES, BUT I HAVE COME TO FIND MY NEPHEW, GARBLE, BULLIED?!?!"

The human retreats back to his friends, points at the lumbering dragon kindling fires in its nostrils, and cries, "THIS IS JUST STUPID! WHY does this shit happen when things look GOOD?!"

However, the dragon's impending blaze ignores his questions, and the three have no choice but to run back into the tunnel. Although, there was not much to run towards, since the tunnel was ten feet off the ground.

Ditzy trembles and clings to the human's jacket, "Are we gonna die?"

The human looks into her eyes, smiles, lovingly scratches her ears, and confidently says, "Painfully. Very. Painfully."

However, even in the bleakest of situations, fate proved that this was not the three's conclusion.

A flash of familiar green light temporarily blinds all in the cavern. The flash leaves a large, insect-like pony creature behind, flanked by two smaller versions of it. The tall insect was similar to the ones in the marsh, except this creature gave off a completely different aura. It was much larger, to begin with. It had a longer and an even more jagged horn, and a long, greenish-blue mane that reminds him of a shiny beetle-shell. There is even a tiny crown on its head.

"It took far longer than it should have to find you." she croons in a strange, otherworldly voice, "I cannot believe I had to see to it myself."

The human, very well tired of it all, asks, "And you are?"

Ditzy gulps, and stammers as she realizes who appeared, "I r-r-remember her! She's C-C-Chrysalis! The Changeling Queen!"

"Queen Chrysalis." she corrects in that buzzing voice, "But I'm not here to chitchat, just to kidnap!" A flash of green light envelops the three, and the disappear.

The three reappear, entrapped by a gooey, green cocoon, inside a gray-stone chamber, with Queen Chrysalis before them, laughing madly in theatric fashion, as if she were about to burst into a tantalizing aria. Despite the fact that they were captured by some old foe who had no business with the human, he was a bit pleased. Pleased, that they were not roasted by dragon fire.

Ditzy grumbles in a way that suggests she might have been in this position before, and asks the human a question, "I just realized, I don't even know what your name is. What can I call you?"

The human chuckles as he remembers that he never even said who he was. He was too busy running.

"Just call me Gogurt, Gecko, Goku, whatever suits your fancy. My name ain't easy to pronounce."

"I think Gogurt is cool! It sounds yummy!" Ditzy happily states.

"Gogurt" snorts in approval, "Yeah, I am pretty delicious." He peers inside his jacket to see that the accursed book was chuckling again. The smidge of cheeriness he had towards their predicament was quickly wiped away by the damning cackling.

Except this time, Ditzy hears it, "Hey, what's that laughing?"

Gogurt grimaces, and closes his eyes, "It's bad news."

Author's Note

I think this is a nice chapter. I managed to structure it pretty well, and I like where I went with the three perspectives. By the way, the smaller red dragon was Garble from Dragon Quest. The larger green one was from the episode, "Owl's Well that Ends Well" Anyways, next chapter is going to be the Choose Your Own Adventure Chapter. This is the last time for voting. Just pick your choice in the comments below.

A) Lee gets pissed off by Gilda the Griffon

B) Lee helps out the Diamond Dogs

C)Lee teaches Spike to be a man

Spike da Dragon: Part 1

Princess Luna reclined on a luxurious, ebony couch in her private study, still struck with a conundrum. Before her, in the grips of her magic, was a blank parchment. Lee's threat of sending random letters containing lewd profanity was still fresh in her mind. The only way to sedate him was to write back. The problem was that she had not a clue of how to respond to Lee's messages that had contained normal levels of lewd profanity... and Princess Celestia was as stumped as she was.

"Wait... that's it!" the enlightened Luna finally began to put pen to the paper, "There is only one way to respond to such a letter. I will not disappoint you, my new student!"

*****

"So... how was the rape dungeon?"

Twilight stopped short of entering the Library upon hearing the inquisitive question, "Wait, what?"

Spike hopped off her back and stepped inside, "I think he's talking about the castle."

"Oh. Well, actually, it's not a dungeon!" Twilight proceeded to nerd as she trotted in and placed her saddlebags down, "You see, a dungeon is actually the prison of a—"

"I know, I know, just get the damn joke, ovary-head..." Lee interjected.

Twilight raises an eyebrow, "Ovary-head... don't you mean to say...?"

"YES, DAMN IT!" Lee yells, "THAT'S THE F*CKING JOKE. I swear, you do something stupid like that again... anyways, how was the damn castle?"

Spike tossed a sapphire from his hoard chest tucked under the table into his mouth, and crunched it to pieces. "It was alright. Things got pretty crazy though!"

Twilight began to chuckle to herself, "Yeah, one could say that with all the spookiness, we all had a bit of, Castle-Mane-ia!" the Twilicorn and dragon assistant burst into a fit laughter.

Lee squinted, "Are you really making a f*cking Castlevania reference?"

Twilight and Spike ceased laughing, and simultaneously said, "What?"

"You know," Lee began to reason, "Castlevania? That NES game about that guy, Simon Belmont, goin' around with a whip, trying to kill Dracula or some sh*t like that?"

The purple duo only drew blanks.

Spike raised a claw, "Don't know what you're talking about, but there was this Pony of Shadows thing..."

Lee did a double-take, "P-P-PONY OF SHADOWS?! That's obviously a reference. Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow? They sound really close!!!" They only shrugged, to add to his apparent frustration. "YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME?! How the Hell are you making these references without knowing about it? I know I've seen some ponies dressed like the the dudes from The Big Lebowski at the bowling alley, this CAN'T BE A F*CKING COINCIDENCE!"

"What's a Big Lebowski? A book?" Twilight innocently inquired.

"AHH, F*CK IT!" Lee breathed in through his nose and out of his mouth rhythmically, in an attempt to calm himself, "So... what are we doing now?"

"Nothing on the schedule now," Twilight answered, "I guess we're done for the..." she was interrupted by the slip of a cobalt blue letter that made its way under the library's door.

Spike plodded to the letter and unsealed it with a claw.

He read the contents aloud, "'Sup' Lee, Vinyl here. Openin' a new dance club in Ponyville tonight! Thought you might be interested in the Grand Opening Party, seeing that you're cool and all. Bring some friends, if ya want. Admission is free for you and however many guests you bring! Think of it as personal payback for savin' my sound system from that spider-thing! The club is right next to Sugarcube Corner, and it's called, Wubbin' the Right Way. Starts at ten! Wow, that sure is nice of Vinyl. Can we go, Twilight?" Spike pleads to his guardian with soulful eyes.

Twilight groaned, "Spike, it's late, and we just got back from the—" However, she was interrupted again. This time by a tackling Lee.

Twilight hit the floor with a light thud and blew a raspberry. "You're making us go, aren't you?"

"You bet your starry-ass I am."

"And you're gonna make the rest of our friends go too, aren't you?"

"You bet their multicolored-asses I am."

The Nissan Altima carrying the screeching passengers squealed to a halt in front of the new club, Wubbin' the Right Way. The building was completely white, adorned with a giant record with the club's name spelled in neon lights atop it. It was quite large, about three times the size of Sugarcube Corner, so it was able to accommodate quite a few ponies.

There were also quite a few ponies waiting in line at the glass double doors. The swag-culture's mark was still evident, marked by the snapbacks, shutter-shades, and other pieces of affiliated clothing. Luckily, it was not nearly as bad as when it first started. However, the sight still made Lee inwardly cringe.

The six passengers squeezed into the vehicle spilled outside, eager to regain their space. Twilight wore a practical, yellow dress adorned with simple pink scarf, all Spike wore was a checkered tie, Pinkie and AJ had worn nothing (although Applejack fastened a strap to her hat tonight, for serious partying). Rainbow Dash had her shutter shades and snapback, Fluttershy was wearing her Dangerous Mission Outfit for some reason, and Rarity sported a sleek, form-fitting, black dress. Of course, Lee was wearing a T-Shirt and gym shorts.

Lee glanced at Rarity's dress and snorted, "So the whore-culture was already here. Not takin' the blame for that."

Rarity had not really heard him, and looked to him with a questioning smile, "What was that, dear?"

"Nothing, my-little-whore. Anyways, what the f*ck is Shy wearing?"

Fluttershy peered at the floppy bunny ears and blushed, "Um... I didn't really know what to wear to these sort of things... so... yeah. Do I really have to go?"

"Yes..... and that's f*cking adorable."

Wubbin the Right Way was a slick club. Light up neon tiles, strangely-shaped couches that make no ergonomic sense, laser light shows, and music blasting well above the legal decibel count. The bouncer at the doors had screened them in without the wait line. Apparently any guest with Lee immediately got in.

Vinyl Scratch waved to the party-going party from the center of the club, where she was manning an enormous, circular turntable with two other disk jockeys. She let the two DJ's take over as she hopped over the tables to meet Lee.

She greeted him with a cocky smile and removed her crimson goggles to show that her eyes held the same look. "Hey! Glad you could make it! So, what do you think of the best club in Ponyville? Well, it's the only club here, but still!"

Lee nodded approvingly, "Swag."

Vinyl sagely nodded back, seeming to understand the instance of the word usage. "Thanks! I had plans for opening one for a loooong time, and it's even better than I thought it would be!"

"I'll say!" Rainbow Dash cheered, "This place is awesome! I'm gonna be coming here pretty often!"

Pinkie Pie agreed, "So am I! This'll be the perfect place for parties!" before springing into a giant, chocolate cake in the center of the dance floor. Rainbow and Applejack whooped, then joined her raid.

"I must say that the decor for this establishment is absolutely posh!" Rarity gushed as she examined the tiles and furniture, "Oooh, I cannot believe I have not caught up with this new style yet!"

Twilight looked to the laser light shows with a respectful and studious eye, "These synchronized lights must be emitted from an arcano-gem-matrix fixed at strategical points within the club's premises! That must have taken a really meticulous eye to correctly judge the gem-refractions to create the projected images!"

Vinyl seemed to absorb the compliments with relish, "Thanks, thanks, and... thanks, I think? Anyways, I gotta get back to my station, have fun, everybody! And thanks for coming, Lee!"

Twilight, Spike and Lee waved to her as she returned to the sound systems.

Lee then took a seat on the blob-like couch and pointed at Twilight and Spike, "I command you, to groove."

"Don't you wanna dance?" Spike asked.

"Nah, I just chill. It's my other friend who grooves... or has a seizure on the dance floor, I can't really tell the difference.

Then Lee's ponies and dragon danced. They danced, pranced, and wore no pants, but ponies do not wear pants in the first place. Lee, on the other hand, chilled. He chilled so much, that a layer of cold air emanated from his very being , causing drinks to be kept cool if kept around him. This caused ponies to mingle with him, but he was apathetic towards their conversational advances, but of course, this only caused them to like him even more. Until his fist told them to go away. Then they came back. Then a chair told them to go away.

Eventually, Spike sat next to Lee for a rest from grooving. "Man, this club is great! I get to hang out with everypony, and we can just have fun without worrying about some century old enemy we gotta clean up after!"

"Yep. I'm not sure I can do another impromptu rock ballad to take down a demon again anyways. Funny thing is, I haven't played guitar in forever. This pony-land must give me the ability to break out in random songs." then Lee noticed something off, "Hey, where's Shy? I haven't seen her groovin'." Spike sprang to attention, and scanned the dancing crowd for the adorable bundle of bashfulness.

He points to a less populated corner of the club, "There! She's with Twilight and they're... talking to a couple of stallions?"

"What." Lee peered in the direction he pointed and saw that this was true. Twilight and Fluttershy were talking a trio of earth pony stallions wearing gaudy gold jewelry and sweaty, collared shirts along with a pair of unnecessary shades. Twilight looked like she was either going to explode from shame or anger. That was when Lee knew something was up. He grabbed Spike as if he were a football and charged through the masses.

Lee stopped within their earshot, to hear what was going on. He did not think it would be a good idea to rage without context.

Lee heard the stallion in the center speak first with a stereotypical New-Yorker accent, "C'mon, sugar-plot, what're you so shy about? We just wanna party with ya!"

Twilight grimaces, "Fluttershy already said no a bazillion times! Will you please stop harassing her already?!"

The smelly, hormonal stallions whispered to each other before they said their next lame pickup line, "Ohh, so you're that kinda tramp. How about we take the both of ya and really make ya 'flutter'!"

Twilight's horn buzzed erratically, "Excuse me?"

The same stallion cackled, "I said, I'll reaally show you a 'twilight'!"

"Wh.... what?"

"I said, I'll reaaaally 'flutter' a 'twilight' until ya 'sparkle'!"

One of his friends put a hoof on his shoulder, "Nail, you're doin' that thing where nothing makes sense, again.

"What did you say to her?!"

Lee glanced at his open arm and realized that Spike had gotten away to come to the mare's aid.

The stallions briefly regarded the tiny, enraged dragon whelp, and laughed, "What the hay is this? Is he the bunny tramp's itty-bitty bodyguard? Bwahahahha!!!"

"Yeah, I'll reaaaaally show her how to bodyguard!"

"Nail, please."

Spike snorted green fire in anger, "That's it, buster!" He rushed the stallion with windmilling fists, only to be stopped by an outstretched hoof. The stallions laughed even harder at his attempt to beat them down.

Fluttershy cast her trademark shyness aside at the degrading display, "Stop bullying Spike! He's just a baby dragon!"

Rarity suddenly popped out of the ring of watchers that formed around the debacle, "Is someone hurting my Spikey-Wikey?!?!"

The stallions stop laughing to ponder the name, then guffaw to their lungs capacity. "Ya' hear that? Spikey-Wikey! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!! And where did this other one come from, anyways?"

The other crony stallion points at Rarity, "Maybe she wanted some instead! I mean, look at what she's wearing!"

Rarity pulls a face, "Look at what I'm.... ponies don't normally wear anything!"

"Yeah, I'll reaaaaaaally show her what to wear!"

"NAIL. FOR THE.... just stop, please."

However illogical that jibe was, it had been the last straw for Spike. Someone just insulted the equine he loved. And he would not stand for that. In fact, he jumped.

"NO ONE TALKS TO HER LIKE THAT!!!!!" He leaped at the head gross stallion's face in a flurry of slashing claws and gnashing teeth.

"Aaah! Get offa me!" He cocked his foreleg back, and slammed it into Spike's side, throwing the enraged drake off and into a table, where a bowl of punch and a platter of cupcakes upended over him.

This was also the last straw for Lee. Before the protective mares could resort to violence, he stepped between them. He kept a deadpan expression and looked straight into the lead nasty stallion's eyes, "Y'all need to chill out before ya do something else stupid."

The lead abomination of a stallion sneers, "Ugly? This got ugly the second you reared your head!" The music stopped. This was the due to Vinyl Scratch becoming aware of what was happening in her club.

She galloped onto the scene with Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash in tow, "Hey, what's going on over here?!"

Lee looked to her, and back at the seedy stallion. His group had slowly grown from a trio to a dozen more. Lee sighed, popped his neck, and coolly said to Vinyl Scratch, "I'm gonna need you to listen to two things: One, I'm sorry for what I'm about to do. Two, play some epic fighting music for me."

Vinyl Scratch's grin grows wide with glee, "One, you're forgiven. Two, you got it!" she prances back to her music station, and plays a high energy song fit for the occasion.

Lee nodded in approval, "This will do just fine. 'Ey, douche-sucker, what's your name?"

The stallion grunted, "Nail Pounder."

"Tell your wife I'm sorry." then Lee combat rolled behind him and kicked Nail Pounder as hard as his muscular legs allowed into Nail Pounder's 'nail pouch'.

While Nail Pounder writhed in pain on the floor, and his cronies encircled our heroes, Lee said to his friends, "I hope y'all know what to do."

Rainbow turned her hat backwards, "Don't worry, we've done this before..."

Pinkie grinned and whipped her cannon out of her tail, "Good thing I brought my party cannon!"

"Again, I'm really sorry about the property damage done to your brand new club."

Vinyl waved it off with a hoof, "Don't worry 'bout it! Those jerks needed broken bones anyways. If my turntable helped that, it's fine! I'll get my stuff replaced soon. It'll just take a week to raise the money for all the broken lights."

Lee still felt bad for the damage, so he dug in his car's dashboard, then pulled out a large bag of bits, "Here. A hundred bits should help." Before she could refuse, Lee raced off.

Vinyl looked at the bag of bits, and back to the en-flamed Wubbin the Right Way that the Firestallions were still having trouble with. "That guy, really knows how to party."

They were back at Golden Oaks Library now. Of course, Lee dropped the other ponies off before then. Twilight was also yelling and ranting at no one in particular about the innuendo-filled altercation. Lee would have been participating in the ranting as well, but something caught his attention. Spike was sulking.

He was angrily slumped over in his basket-bed. He grumbled, and occasionally hit himself with a frustrated slap or two. This worried Lee, because he knew what was wrong, and it was partly his fault.

Lee then noticed the rolled up letter on his bedstand. Spike had vomited it before they went clubbing, but Lee forgot to read it. He decided now was a good time to give it a look.

*****

Dear Lee Newsom,

I have found your letters quite invigorating and stimulating. I have learned so much from your findings! They have made me feel as if you were addressing a midnight strumpet who f****s the elderly in the night and brings her d*** to f**** in the sh****. And I then I would proceed to ***** a giant plunger with my c**** and slap my a** with a horde of teeming h**** mice infected with ***, **** **** a**** j**** Hoity Toity **** d**** c**** with Sapphire Shores, and a stick of Neighponese dynamite!

Your Full-Moon-*ss Teacher

Princess Luna.

Princess Celestia gaped in disgusted awe after her sister recounted what she sent to her student.

Luna took that as an achievement, and inquired in the Royal Canterlot voice, "HOW MANY POINTS DO I RECEIVE?!?!?!"

Author's Note

The last part was freaking hilarious to write.

Anyways, this is the Choose Your Own Adventure Chapter: Lee Teaches Spike to be a Man. This is obviously a two-parter, I wouldn't have been able to fit as much as I wanted in one readable chapter.

And yes, Vinyl will now be a part of Lee's Bro Brigade... holy crap, that'll be a great future chapter.

Spike da Dragon Part 2— A Nice Day

Many things ran through Lee's head as he finished reading Luna's reply. One of those many things, were... "What. The. F*ck." After the initial question of what, came the next logical inquiry in his sequence of thought. A very important, and horrible question that strikes terror in all who hear.

Of course, this is... "WHY?!" Why? Why did Princess Luna write such a perturbing string of letters? Why would she thrust her student in such a unpalatable plight? Why, oh why, would she do that with a plunger? The next route of action was obvious, an expression of despair manifest through vomiting.

After emptying the contents of his stomach into the unsuspecting toilet, he assumed the fetal position in the bathtub, and rocked himself, back and forth, for twenty minutes. Once he finished the silent dirge, he quietly returned to his bed, where nightmares of horny horses awaited. The sad part was, Lee knew that these nightmares would pursue him tonight, but he also knew that there was nothing he could to do to stop it. It was then, that Lee accepted his fate, and plunged himself into the horrific realm of Luna's unintentional tyranny.

Lee awoke that morning in a cold sweat. Luckily for him, the memory of the night terrors that plagued him in his sleep had completely disappeared, and he was very thankful for that.

Lee rolled himself out of bed, and made way for the ground floor. As he descended the stairs, he saw that Spike and Twilight were already eating breakfast. Twilight munched on some nicely seared hash-browns with oats mixed inside the strips. There was even a plate with a side of eggs lying on Lee's spot. These must have been courtesy of Spike.

With an awkward combat roll, Lee found himself in his seat, before the delicious meal. "Thanks, mah L'il Nig."

"Hrrrmm...?...yeah... sure...." Spike grumbled.

Normally, Lee would respond to such lackadaisical comments with a pimp-slap or crude remark, but this was Lee's "L'il Nig", so he let it slide. There was also something else to this. Lee had noticed that there was something foul lying in the muttered response. It was the strong scent of sulk. The awful thing was, the traumatic nightmare also destroyed the memory of whatever dramatic revelation Lee mentally made before reading the strumpet-ish letter. Lee hurriedly locked the creeping thoughts of the defiling message in a metaphorical safe, and focused and ravaging the pan-seared potato strips before him.

His attention moved to the Twilicorn. She now had a small notepad held in her magic's grasp.

Twilight seemed to be murmuring to herself as she flipped through the pad while take a chomp out of her taters. "Well, looks like I'm gonna be busy today."

"Doin' what? Pleasuring your slaves of lust at your rape dungeon?"

She shook her head, "Nope! Studying. Lots, and loooots of reports and essays I need to finish up."

"Studying. Of course." Lee parroted with a dry voice, "I bet you f*cking rub yourself on all those damn books."

The comment caused Twilight to stop what she was doing, "Rub myself? With books? I don't think I understand. Why would I rub myself? If you mean sore from staying in the same place while reading, I'll just get Spike to rub me. He's a great masseuse!"

Twilight's innocent reply caused Lee to drop his fork (Spike did not seem to notice as he was too busy being harassed by dragon angst) in slack-jawed awe. "I... I just can't. It's just... just TOO DAMN EASY!"

The purple princess raised an eyebrow at his outrage. "Oookaaaay? Like I was saying, I'll busy the rest of the day." she directed her cheerful voice to the slumping dragon with a smile, "I won't be needing you today either, Spike, so why not have a day off?"

Spike pushed the remains of his breakfast around with a fork, "Sure, whatever..."

The absentminded response drew a frown from Twilight.

She looked to Lee, "Can I speak with you really quick?"

Lee shrugged, "K." Twilight stole a quick look at Spike before getting up, and leading Lee to the other side of the library, out of the dragon's earshot.

Lee snorted, "What is it, whore?"

The worried frown still sat on her face as she whispered, "It's Spike. He's been like this since morning. I don't know what's wrong with him. I asked him, but he just mutters and says nothing is wrong! I was hoping that maybe a day off would've cheered the little guy up... but, yeah."

Lee pursed his lips, "I know what you mean, I noticed last night before I went to sleep. I actually knew the problem."

Twilight's ears perked up, "Then I had the disgusting nightmare, and I forgot everything along with the dream in the morning."

Her ears drooped down again, "Wait, what kind of dream makes you—"

"—Ain't talkin' bout it. End of discussion. Anyways, I think I get the idea. You want me to hang out with him on his day off, and try to figure out what's wrong, pull a Doctor Phil, and save the day."

Twilight nodded, "I don't know who Doctor Phil is, but I'm sure you can do it. You have a good way of getting what you want."

"You know it, B*tch-Princess."

Twilight exhaled and smiled, "Thanks, Lee. I'd come along too, but I really do have a lot of work to do for Princess Celestia." The two nod, and walk back to the dinner table. Except that Lee did not walk, he cartwheeled, gracefully, for once.

Lee threw an arm around the dejected Spike, "'Ey bud, let's go hang out and show out."

Spike sighed, "I don't know... I really don't feel like..."

"We're going. End of story..." Lee interjected, "after I shower."

Spike pinched the bridge of his nose and moans, "Fine."

Spike and Lee exited Golden Oaks Library, the latter formulating a plan to remedy his sadness. Lee decided that he would cure the dejection while doing the day's plans. The first order of business had to do with the season's weather.

It was winter's place now, and the crisp weather had taken a frosty edge. The skies were grayed with darker clouds manipulated by the Pegasi, any visible grass was coated with a thin layer of frost, anypony outside was wrapped in the appropriate insulation, and Lee was sorely lacking in that department.

"We're going to Rari-whore's first." Lee explained as he leads Spike in Carousel Boutique's direction, "I gotta get something warm before my dick freezes and falls off."

Spike lifted his head at the mention of her name, and frowned. "Oh. Alright..."

After a couple more minutes of walking, Lee finally popped the question. "Dude, what is up with you today?"

Spike waved it off, "Don't worry about it. I'm fine."

Lee pulled a face, "You look and sound like you're about to blow your head off. Seriously."

Spike shook his head vigorously, "I'm telling you! Nothing is—"

"—Oh, it's you two!" Rarity interrupted as she bumped into Spike.

Lee snapped his fingers and points at her, "Eeyyoo, what up, my ho?"

The Rarity in question had been wearing purple boots, a matching scarf, and a black sweater. Her saddlebag bulged with freshly baked croissants, giving off a delightful steamy scent, instantly watering mouths. "I had been picking up some delectable croissants for breakfast, but I was actually enroute to Golden Oaks. The weather is dreadfully chilly this time of year, and I could not bear to know that you'd have nothing to wear for the season!"

Lee nodded, "Good, that's exactly what I need. Can we go inside? My dick is about to be a frozen swag-sicle."

"Of course! Come along now!"

Rarity wheeled out another series of winter jackets for Lee's fancy. Luckily coats and such fit both pony, and Lee's physique due to their varying sizes.

He looked through the vast array of clothes with muted admiration, which did not escape the seamstress's eye for detail. "Is there anything to your liking, dear?"

Lee slightly nodded, "It's all pretty damn good. Just seein' which one would look better... what do you think?"

The smile on her face widened at the question, "I thought you'd never ask!" Rarity floated a medium-thick orange jacket lined with warm fabric to Lee's side. "This ought to keep you warm enough for the winter. Plus, this particular shade would look lovely on you! Don't you think, Spike?"

The dragon in question was seated on a stool on the other side of the room.

He immediately shook himself out of his stupor, "Huh! What? Oh. Yeah... it'll look great."

Rarity's eyebrows furrowed, and her smile disappeared as she noticed his apparent peculiar state.

She trotted to his side, "Spike, are you feeling alright? You've been looking rotten for a while now." She put a hoof on his forehead, much to his bashfulness from the sudden proximity and contact. "Was it the chilliness? I don't want my Spikey-Wikey to catch a cold!"

Spike began to blush upon hearing the nickname and turned away. "N-no! I'm just...!...fine."

It was at this time a revelation came to Lee regarding Spike and Rarity. He took his reaction, and pieced together various incidents regarding the white pony and dragon, to finally reach the conclusion that many had already reached, but he himself had taken no care to notice in the past.

Lee zipped up the jacket, and sauntered to the concerned Rarity, "I'll take this, Alabaster-Bitch. I'll take the jacket, by the way." Before Rarity could deny Lee's bits, he already had rained twenty of the shimmering coins atop her figure in a golden rain. "I ALWAYS MAKE IT RAIN ON THESE HOES!"

Lee quickly grabbed Spike as if he were a football and tumbled out the door with an awkward combat roll.

He shut the door behind him, picks up Spike by his shoulders, and says, "YOU ARE GOING TO TELL ME WHAT THE F*CK IS MAKING YOU BEHAVE LIKE AN INDIFFERENT DOUCHE... or I can tell White Supremacy about the metaphorical boner you hide from her."

Judging from Spike's erratically shifting eyes and squirming body, Lee received the desired effect: cornering him like a rat. Spike sees that he's been trapped and stopped struggling, "Fine! Fine... I'll tell you what's going on, but promise you won't tell Rarity I have a crush on her."

Even though the implications of the crush made Lee mentally scream, 'HOW THE F*CK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO WORK?!', he decided to roll with it. Lee puts the dragon down and looks placidly into his eyes, "Fine. Now, talk."

Spike answered in the form of a question that threw Lee severely off course, "Lee, am I manly?"

Of course, the Lee we all know and love could only respond in one possible way when derailed, "What."

Spike sighed, "I'm obviously still a baby dragon, but am I stallion-like, or manly?"

Lee blinked several times, "Uh, what are you trying to get at?"

"Remember what happened last night, at Vinyl's club?"

At the mention of the events which occurred at Wubbin' the Right Way, Lee groaned. Now he remembers. The grody stallions, the infuriated baby dragon, and Lee stealing his chance at redemption from being thrown into a punch bowl.

"Ohhhh... crap."

"Yeah..." Spike muttered.

Lee shood his head, "Dude, I'm sorry I didn't let you get back at those dickheads, next time I'll—"

"—huh? What are you talking about?"

Lee briefly paused as his inner gears hit a snag, "You mean you're not all emo because I kicked that Ass-Sucker in the balls before you could...?"

Spike raised an eyebrow, "Nooo...? Well, it does have to do with that. Let's walk a bit."

Spike and Lee sat on a bench before a grassy field where a foals played under their parent's supervision.

Spike watched on wistfully. "Lee, I'm a dragon."

"Naaaawww..."

Spike ignored the comment, "That means I'm really protective of what I have... and what I have is my friends."

Lee kept his silence and nodded, seeing where this was going.

"So, when those stallions started talking about Twilight, Fluttershy and Rarity like that, I got really mad. NOBODY talks to them like... like they're a piece of meat. So, that's why I tried to hurt him, it's like some part of me just took over...!... but you know what I did next?" Spike looked up at Lee as bitterness from the other night shook his green eyes.

Lee gestured with a nod for him to go on. "Nothing. I did bucking nothing. He threw me into a punch bowl for crying out loud!

"That wasn't even the worst part, Lee. They laughed at me. They all laughed at me like I was a scaly joke... I'm just 'Spikey-Wikey', just a 'baby' dragon. Everyone thinks I'm some wimpy baby, and they're right..."

"Dude," Lee tried to reason, "you're not a—"

"—Lee!" Spike suddenly yelled, "I've been raised by mares my entire life! Ever since Twilight hatched me for her exam, she and Princess Celestia treated me like I was family. I live with a mare, cook for mares, clean for mares, been taught by mares, almost all of my friends are mares! And believe me, I've heard ponies talk about it, snickering and joking about me... but, I can't even say anything, because I don't even know what it means to be a stallion, er, man..." Spike gestured towards the colts playing hoofball with their fathers. "Most colts have a dad to teach them what it means... I don't." he sniffed as a small series of hot tears splashed onto the wooden bench. "Don't get me wrong, I love Twilight and everyone, but it's... weird. I don't have a regular family like everypony else, I have to learn these things in different ways. But I don't know how."

Lee pondered his many words for a while. The two sat in silence and observed the playing families for a couple of minutes. It was nice, just to sit quietly, with a good friend, and think. It was a luxury Lee was absent of since he arrived in Equestria. Most of the time, Lee was caught in the middle of some equine-related mayhem filled with danger and not a second of peace, having to learn lessons through peril. This time, it was different, yet it only made the situation harder.

Lee nodded once to himself and finally asked Spike, "Hey, why is being manly important you?"

Spike broke his stare with the happier denizens of Ponyville and directed it to Lee.

He took a deep inhale and exhale before his discourse. "For them. My mares, my friends. I wanna be a dragon, a stallion, a man, for them. This goes back to the dragon thing. Dragons don't really care for anybody but themselves, so we get a bad reputation, which we deserve. On one hand, I am proud of being a dragon... but I don't want to be the selfish, greedy, jerks they end up being. I know I'm gonna slip up, I know. But, I don't wanna be a dragon for me, I wanna be a dragon for them, my mares, my friends..." Another short silence followed, with a deep contemplation riding within.

Spike decided to break the quiet once more, "You know, I was honestly really happy when you started living here."

Lee raised his eyebrows in curiosity, "And why's that?"

"Because, well, like I said before," Spike explained while twiddling his claws, "I don't really have many really good guy friends. I never really had someone to talk with about guy stuff, like we're doing now. I thought that maybe now, I'd have someone who could tell me what it meant, who I could learn from."

This was a first for our misplaced human. Since his time at Ponyville, he had quickly taken a liking to the baby dragon. He found Spike witty, funny, and mature instead of the mind-grindingly-annoying regular for younger ones. He never actually thought about how the dragon saw him. It was a nice surprise. It made his stay at Ponyville feel a few shades brighter than girly-condemnation.

"Anyways, you still haven't really told me what you think about this. Do... you know what it means to be stallion-like, well I mean, manly?"

Lee lightly chuckled, eliciting a confused frown from Spike, "Buddy, your guess is as good as mine."

"...what?"

Lee shrugged, "Well, I thought I knew. Then you ran your mouth and mixed it all up for me. Honestly, most dudes don't even think about this sh*t. Humans are general douches, and from what I've seen, they aren't much different from these ponies. The whole question of, 'being a man', almost never comes up. Thing is, my entire family sucks ass. So I guess I was in a similar place. I almost always had to teach myself how to act, and I thought that was how you were supposed to do it... but, I don't think so anymore. Maybe we are supposed to learn from someone else. Maybe we are supposed to learn from ourselves. Or maybe it's both. Truth is, being a man could have a hundred different answers, but leads to the same damn thing in the end."

Spike looked to the sky as he drank in Lee's reply.

He shifted his eyes back to Lee, "So... what is it then?"

Lee grimaced, and placed his hands behind his head, "I don't know... but, it looks like you have something. Being a man, or dragon, for your friends, not for yourself... sounds pretty alright to me, buddy. I say we roll with that, and see if we can find anything else on the way." Lee put his arms down and looks down to meet Spike's gaze, "I've known and seen a lot of f*ck-ups in my life. Spike, you're a better man than all of 'em put together."

For the first time that day, Spike smiled, "Thanks, Lee. I really needed this. This isn't really something I could go to Twilight, or even Princess Celestia about."

Lee returned his smile with a deadpan expression, "Good. Now, you ready to quit bein' a pussy and cheer up you lizard-looking-motherf*cker?" Spike instantly frowned, but then Lee broke into a smile and raucous laughter. Spike knew he was joking now, but it still would take time for him to discern the difference. Either way, Spike was glad that he had Lee, no matter how erratic his behavior was.

A frisbee suddenly sailed to the two and hit the wooden hand-rest of the bench.

"Hey, Spike, can you throw that over here!" The voices yelling in unison belonged to none-other than the CMC.

Spike grabbed the disc and looked back to Lee, "Wanna play for a bit?"

"You know it, ho."

The two were at the door of Golden Oaks now. It was five o'clock, and the pair was tired from chucking the frisbee around with the CMC. Plus, Lee was about to attack Diamond Tiara when she showed up, so they had to leave before things got gory.

Spike nudged Lee with a claw before opening the door, "Thanks again, Lee, I was acting like a preteen filly! Don't let that happen again."

"I'll slap you if you do."

They open the door, to be met with a cannon blast of streamers and confetti, along with a cheer that said, "CHEER UP SPIKE!!!!!!!"

Apparently, Twilight had informed the rest of her friends about Spike's state. Which included the partying pink one. The next logical step was a feel-good party.

Spike was immediately swept up by all six of his pony-friends hooves in a loving embrace.

Spike gasped for breath, "It's all right, girls! Lee fixed... Lee, what are you about to do?"

The wild human in question was in a crouch, with a psychotic grin cracked across his face, "SOME KINKY SHIT!!!!"

They all cried, "Lee, NOOOO—"

What the f*ck Princess,

Seriously, what the f*ck. What the f*ck was that. Why the Hell would you do that to me. I had damn nightmares from that disgusting letter. You probably wanted that too. That's right Moon-Bitch, I know you can watch wet dreams you pervert. Is that how you get off, you ratchet-ass whore? Don't do that sh*t again, or I WILL COME FOR YOU.

Anyways, I learned something important today. Well, me and Spike did, and I doubt this'll do you any good, but it'd be a good idea to write it down anyways. It's about being a man. My family sucked ass, so I always figured you had to teach yourself. Then Spike got all mopey and shit, because he didn't know how to be a man because he was raised by a bunch of chick-ponies. Seriously though, what the f*ck is with the gender ratio in Ponyville? Anyways, I learned that while everyone's answer to this may have similar stuff, they also have different elements at the same time. It all leads to the same end, anyways, it's gettin' there's that's the hard part. We decided to stick with this: if you're being a man, dragon, or stallion, just for you, you're probably on the wrong track. A man, dragon, stallion, is who he is, because it isn't for himself.

Your Now Forever Traumatized Student

Lee the Legend.

F*ck you (jk).

In the dark alleys of the seedy streets of Manehatten, all sorts of interesting meetings occur. Some of these meetings are regular things, some of them happen once, and never again. Sometimes, these meetings end up with one body never going home. But this rendezvous in particular was of a far more special breed. It would be a meeting that affected the entire country. A meeting between children, one could say.

"You found it?" the Pegasus whispered.

The Earth Pony acolyte giggled excitedly as she unfurled the pages, "Yes, the entire thing, rites and all! I knew our Master would not lie!

"He never lies." the Pegasus droned, "How right he was about that stupid maid job! I'd much rather serve the Master, the Father, the glorious one in all his incomprehensible wonderfulness!!"

The Earth Pony gave her a quick hug, "Yes, sister, I concur! But... there is still much work to be done. He needs to grow stronger... we need to prepare."

The former maid smiled, "Shall we explain this to the rest of our kin?"

Her sister grinned back, "Let's."

They turned to keep walking down the alley, deeper, and farther away from the busy streets. They found an old, wooden door near the end of the alley and opened it.

Before them was a massive congregation of brothers and sisters, all who heard the call.

All ready to serve.

The Pegasus spread her wings and hooves before the masses, "The Children of Perdition are born!"

Author's Note

This chapter was nice to write. It was thoughtful, dealt with a question people don't ask enough, and peaceful. Plus, we got some character growth between Spike and Lee.

This chapter's idea was partially inspired by The Descendant's story Every Little Bit. (seriously, check that dude out, he's the best writer here, at least to me. Plus, that story of his is amazing. Linky: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/130213/every-little-bit)

What do y'all think a man is? Or woman, whatevs!

"...Kindness... huh...?"

"Ah' still don't see the point o' this..."

"Come now, Applejack, just sit back, relax, and enjoy the treatment!"

"Ah' know..." Applejack assured Rarity, "it's just that I don't completely understand the point of payin' for a mud bath when Ah' could go outside an' get one for free."

"Oh, well, you see, Applejack," Fluttershy quietly coughed from a nearby mud tub, "the mud from the spa is full of special minerals and such that—"

"—the heavenly soil base in the mud bath is filled to the brim with soothing minerals that work wonders on absolving a mare's skin from impurities." Rarity unintentionally interrupted, "It's also quite relaxing! Don't you agree, Fluttershy?"

At first, the shy mare contemplated on the accidental interruption, but then she waved it aside. It was not her friend's fault that she was so soft-spoken. Besides, her sickness today did not allow her to speak too loudly. Fluttershy simply decided on agreeing, "Yes, Rarity, it's quite nice...!"

Applejack nodded, and settled further into the mud bath, "Ah'll take your word for it."

Today was the weekly event where Rarity and Fluttershy met up at the local spa to chum and release the week's stress. Considering the craziness regarding the comic book which conspired the other day and the restoration of the castle in the Everfree along with Applejack's regular duties at the farm, it was no surprise that Applejack was a bit overworked. Due to a past lesson regarding the consequences of overworking oneself, Applejack reluctantly accepted Rarity's offer to be pampered at spa. Despite the fact that the earth pony did not really care for spa-activities, she had to admit that the treatment was alleviating much stress.

"So, my dear, Applejack, may I ask who's minding the farm and apple stand in the market? Did you leave it to Apple Bloom ?" Rarity inquires as the spa twins, Aloe and Lotus, applied a white cream to her face via fine-haired brushes.

Applejack snorts, and chomps on a cucumber slice that was placed on her eyes. "After the last time mah lil' sis was left in charge of the apple-stand, she won't be sellin' nothin' pretty soon. The farm's got Big Mac, there ain't much work for today anyways since it's so far into winter. As for the stand, Lee offered to take it off o' mah hooves for today."

Rarity raised an eyebrow, causing a cucumber slice to topple off. "Really, Lee did?"

Applejack grunts, "Yup! It was mighty kind of him, too. Sure, Lee's got a bit of sailor's mouth, and he can be a bit rude, but he's a friend Ah'm glad to have. Apple Bloom seems to like him a lot too. Just hope that mouth don't rub off on her."

"Very true!" Rarity concurred, "I believe that attitude and coarse language is simply his way of playing, even though I can't quite grasp what Lee says half the time. He's actually quite the gentleman, when he chooses to be!"

"Sure, he's, um... fun, I think?" Fluttershy says as she sniffles from her runny nose.

Rarity blinked several times upon hearing Fluttershy's uncertainty, causing the remaining cucumber slice to fall into the bath. "Oh, are you not too fond of Lee, Fluttershy?"

"Oh, no! It's not that," Fluttershy vigorously shook her head, stifling the oncoming sneezing fit, "it's just... I haven't really gotten to know him very well. Plus, I can't ever tell when he's serious or joking. So, it's really confusing for me."

Applejack stretches, and turns onto her stomach, with her hooves and head resting above the bath. "He's a good fella once ya do get to know him. Hardworking, diligent, doesn't like to complain, that gives him a good mark in mah book. Big Mac agrees, even though Lee bucked him right in the 'little-macs'."

Fluttershy blushes and half-submerges her head within the bath, so that she resembled a hippo. Except that she was not enormous. Or a hippo. "Oh... my. Uh, I wonder how he's doing with the apple-stand?"

"Oh, I'm sure Lee's doing swimmingly." Rarity assures, "When I was creating that tuxedo ensemble for him in the Swag-Off, Lee told me that he had experience with business. You know, supply-and-demand, stocks and such."

Applejack consumes the other cucumber slice with a swipe of her tongue and swallows, "See? He's probably doin' just fine right 'bout now."

A brief silence followed, only to be broken by the dainty sniffing sounds of Rarity. "I say, does it not smell like smoke?"

"For God's sake, just tell me what you f*cking want before I anal-falcon punch your sorry-ass."

"Just give me a second, ya freaky, ignorant, country bumpkin! I'm not done here, yet." replied the groomed donkey in the swanky, white, pinstriped suit with a matching fedora. He picked up an apple and absentmindedly tosses it from hoof to hoof.

Lee held his head in his hands, so that he would not have the mule's throat in his hands instead. Lee straightens up, and points to the stand's wares, "Look, here's what we got. We got apples, apples, some more apples over there, and green apples over there if you're feeling rebellious. You've been eyeing the same sh*t for twenty minutes. Make your damn choice." The queue of customers stuck behind the indecisive donkey angrily shouted their agreement.

The literal ass tugged at his collar as he felt himself become more and more auspicious. He leans towards Lee and whispers, "Where's the bucking package, bozo?"

Lee pulls a face and shouts, "What the f*ck kind of package are you talking about?"

The donkey cringes, and pulls his fedora over his eyes. "You know pretty bucking well what I'm talking about. Now you better give it before this looks even more suspicious... otherwise something unfortunate might happen to your little farm..." the donkey pulls his collar slightly away, revealing a lighter emblazoned with a donkey skull over a flame.

Lee returns the ass's glare, "Do something."

The ass chuckles, and slightly shifts his shoulder back, "Alright, how about I do it now—"

"—SURPRISE, B*TCH!" before the pinstriped ass could throw a hoof, Lee had tackled him over the counter.

What ensued then, was an epic battle between a five-foot-eleven-inch human and a donkey dressed like a mafioso. The rapid exchange of blows, the fierce bucking, and the testicle-targeting dispersed the crowd and brought their fight closer and closer to an aforementioned establishment. The Spa.

They crashed through the front doors, scattering spa-ponies and various ointments. They ignored the shouting hosts and customers, and carried their brawl through the entire building. Eventually, they reached the aromatherapy section. Lee and the donkey did not seem to notice that they knocked over several dozen lit candles onto dozens of very flammable surfaces. It was a fiery fight, indeed.

"Again, I'm really sorry about causing part of your spa to burn down."

Aloe and Lotus only gave annoyed leers.

"So... will a hundred bits cover the damages?"

Lee only received the same reaction.

"Ok, a 150 bits?"

Again, the same stares.

"Fine, two-hundred bits." the raised deal caused the two spa ponies to break into a smile. Lee sighs, reaches for the required monetary repayment in his Altima's dashboard (he learned to have it handy since these situations tended to occur often), and dropped it into Aloe and Lotus's outstretched hooves.

Before Lee drove off, he pointed an accusing finger at the two, "I know you b*tches are insured, and I know that flowery smelling sh*t doesn't cost that much."

Aloe and Lotus responded in mock, wide-eyed, hurt expressions.

Lee grimaced, "Stupid-damn-foreign-f*cking-adorable-ponies." and drove off.

Inside Lee's car were three mares. They were Applejack, Rarity, and an ill Fluttershy. Applejack did not seem to mind what had happened with the apple-stand, especially because of the threats the donkey had made against her farm. Rarity was slightly upset that her favorite spa would be closed, but she understood the situation in the same manner Applejack had. The question is, why is Fluttershy sick? Apparently, the mare had been feeling slightly under the weather the entire time, but decided to go on a spa-trip anyways, thinking it might heal her. Fluttershy did not count on the fire and smoke and running for her life, which worsened her condition into a fever.

Lee began to take the ponies to their desired destinations. Applejack had asked to be released at her apple-stand. She only wanted to check on it, not work herself anymore. After that, Lee took Rarity back to Carousel Boutique. The dress shop in question looked like a frosted cake due to the falling snow.

"Are you going to be alright, Fluttershy dear?" a concerned Rarity asked the sniffling Fluttershy.

"I should be...! I don't have to take care of the animals since most of them are hibernating. I just..." Fluttershy began to sway in the backseat, "need to stay... in bed."

Rarity purses her lips, but suddenly, inspiration strikes! "You shouldn't stay alone in this state, Fluttershy. I have a lot of winter lines I need to work on, but maybe Lee can nurse you back to health..?"

Lee shrugs, "K."

Fluttershy stutters, "A-are you s-sure you want to? I wouldn't w-want to waste your day..."

"It's cool, I didn't have anything planned anyways. So, leggo to yo' house." with that, Lee speeds onto the icy street, and drifts around the corner. The shivering and meeping Fluttershy clung to her belt in terror as Lee laughed maniacally at her reactions. It was going to be a fun day.

"Um... Lee?" Fluttershy tentatively asks Lee from the comfort of her bed.

"What up?"

"I don't think I need to be tied down..." Fluttershy shifted against the restraints tied around her midsection, attempting to get into a more comfortable position.

Lee grunts, "I know you don't. But..." then a wide, sadistic grin broke across Lee's face, "I like my kinky sh*t this way!"

Fluttershy breaks into a cold sweat upon hearing the ominous reasons, and struggles even more.

Lee's grin fades away. "What the f*ck is your problem? I was joking."

Fluttershy stops struggling, and relaxes. "Oh..."

"It's okay if you feel stupid." Lee picks up a pitcher full of cold water from the bedstand, "Want some water, you butter-lookin'-ho?"

"Oh, yes, please...!"

Lee undoes the restraints, pours her a glass of the clear liquid from the pitcher, and offers it to the fevered-Fluttershy. She slowly drains the glass, and hands it back to him. Fluttershy retreats into the bed's blanket. "Would you tuck me in, please?"

"KK!" Lee proceeds to tuck the blanket under the mare, and over her, and around her. The result was something that resembled an adorable churro.

"I, uh, didn't mean to tuck me in that much, but thanks!"

"You didn't mean it that much because b*tches never know what they want."

Fluttershy gave a half-hearted chuckle, unsure if to chuckle or not. This action begot a raised eyebrow from Lee. Fluttershy clears her throat, and decides to address the matter, "Lee, if it's okay to ask, um, why do you always talk like that? Do you... not like me that much?"

Lee curls his lip, "SHUT YOUR BUTTER-B*TCH-MOUTH, of course I hate you and your friends!"

Fluttershy shrinks into her blanket-armor, and squeaks, "Really?"

Lee breaks into a chuckle, "Naw, I'm just playin'. Y'all are cool."

Fluttershy squints, "But... then... why?"

"That's how I talk to all my friends." Lee explains, "It means I'm comfortable with sounding like a three-headed-jackass around you guys. You should see how bad I talk down to my other friend."

Fluttershy then thought to herself, "Well, that's a simple but confusing answer... I guess it makes sense."

"You know, it doesn't smell that bad here," Lee compliments, "I figured it would smell like radioactive-ass-piss and goat-semen, but it doesn't."

"Lots of animal-friendly air-freshener!" Fluttershy cheerfully answers, warming up to the human.

Lee nods, and scans the mare's room. "So, any animals inside?"

Fluttershy shakes her head, "Nope! They are all with their families, playing in the snow or hibernating!"

"Then what was that weird black thing that ran through the hallway just a second ago?"

The question froze Fluttershy. Her eyes widen, and mouth attempts to form nonexistent words. Fluttershy quickly hides her expression when Lee gave her a strange look. "Oh... that's, um, just a cat! A cat must have gotten inside, heh, heh."

It was at that time that Lee discovered Fluttershy was incredibly bad at lying. Lee leans forward, "Fluttershy, what the f*ck is in your cottage?"

Fluttershy squirms away from his convicting gaze, "N-n-nothing! It's probably just a dog or cat! Here, let me up, and I'll t-t-take care of it! Okay...?! It won't take but a....." the panicking mare's words dropped into a whimper when she saw what stood in the doorway.

Lee took notice of her stare, and glanced at the creature that began to plod into the room. "... what the Hell is that?"
The "that" in question was a small creature. In height, it seemed no taller than Lee's knees, and no longer than a cat. It was completely covered in velvety, black fur. Its body type was the cross between a raccoon and a chimp. On it's wolf-cub-like head were a pair of floppy and pointy ears. Its arms were long and gangly, topped with sharp, hooked-claws and eerie thumbs. The most disconcerting feature of the creature were the eyes. They were milky white, showing no expression, no thought, as if they were soulless.

The creature whimpers, and hops onto the bed to cuddle with Fluttershy. Fluttershy looks to Lee pleadingly, "Please, don't tell..." but Lee had already risen from his seat.

"I'll be right back. I'm locking the door so it... and you... don't leave." with that, he reties Fluttershy's restraints, locks the door, and closes it so that it clicks in place.

In a matter of minutes, Lee returns with a book tucked under one arm. The creature and Fluttershy were still there. Lee wordlessly sits down, and opens the book titled, A Comprehensive Bestiary of All Creatures, Seemingly Myth or not. Due to the strange, monstrous occurances in his stay at Equestria, Lee learned to keep a book for these matters in his car for easy reach.

"What is that thing?"

"A bunyip..." Fluttershy tearfully mumbled.

Lee flips through the many, yellowed pages until he finds what he is looking for. Lee is greeted by the illustration of a monstrous, black creature with huge fangs and claws, gigantic muscles capable of ripping prey in half, and the same, soulless eyes.

"How much do you f*cking know about this bunyip thing? And where the Hell did you get it?"

Fluttershy shrugs as the little bunyip licks her face. "Not... too much. I just know the name and that they are really scary when they get big. Oh, and he likes eating fish! I couldn't get a book about bunyips from Twilight otherwise she'd get suspicious. This isn't the first time I've taken an animal to nurse like this... I found Jerry, that's his name, near the Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters after I went with Rarity. He was hurt... and scared, I couldn't leave him!

"At first, I was surprised, bunyips are rare, and don't even live near here. They live in the Badlands, usually. So, for now, I was gonna take care of Jerry, until I can figure out what to do with him. He was in the cellar, there's a lot of space, but he must have missed me... aww..." Fluttershy turned away to enter a fit of violent coughing. She took notice of the traces of blood on the sheets from the wheezing. "But, he needs to stay away. I don't want him to get sick from me."

Lee begins to tremble with rage, "You don't have a f*cking clue, do you..?"

Fluttershy coughs up another blot of blood before voicing her concerns, "What do you mean..?"

Lee abruptly stands, and shows her the image of the vicious bunyip. "You know why this thing 'misses' you so much? You know WHY you're getting even sicker?! IT'S THAT THING!"

The infantile bunyip ignored the screaming, and continued to lick Fluttershy. Fluttershy looks to Jerry, and the entry about bunyips.

Lee continues his rant with rising intensity, "BUNYIPS. THEIR FIRST F*CKING PREY IS THEIR CARETAKER. They ain't strong enough to kill by themselves when they're babies, SO THEY HAVE TO USE POISON! EVERY TIME THAT THING LICKS YOU OR EVEN GET NEARS YOU, THE CLOSER YOU ARE TO DEATH! YOU'RE F*CKING KILLING YOURSELF! When you're weak enough from the poison... you know what it does? IT F*CKING TEARS OUT YOUR THROAT! THEN IT GROWS, AND MOVES ON, AND GROWS UNTIL IT CAN KILL BY ITSELF! CONGRATU-F*CKING-LATIONS, FLUTTERSHY, YOU DAMN NEAR KILLED YOURSELF!"

The pegasus would have done everything in her power to deny it, but she read the entry for herself and knew it to be true. Tears streamed in rivers from her eyes as she writhed against the truth. Fluttershy begins to wail. "Then what am I supposed to do?!"

Lee quickly grabs Jerry with one hand, eliciting a confused glance from the bunyip. "I'll tell you what we we're supposed to do..."

Fluttershy shakes her head, and struggles against the restraints as she realizes Lee's answer. "No! Please, no! Don't kill him! You can't, he's just a baby! Maybe he won't—"

"—maybe?! Maybe you'll die quickly, or maybe Jerry's gonna have fun with it! It's going to F*CKING EAT—" however, Lee was cut off by the sickly Fluttershy which had still managed to break free of her restraints. She leaped into the air as Lee held the perplexed bunyip far out of her reach.

Fluttershy weakly flaps her wings, but only hits the floor. She clings to Lee's leg, sobbing incessantly. "Please.... don't. There has to be another way. I still love him..."

Lee inwardly sighs as his previous resolve to run over the miserable little thing with his Altima was shattered by a crying, powerless, pegasus. He snorts, "Element of Kindness... huh...?"

Lee places Jerry onto the bed. Fluttershy looks into his eyes, hers filled with endless gratitude and tears. "We're gonna need Spike."

"My student, you said that you required my presence immediately...?" Princess Luna asks Lee as she stood before him, Fluttershy, and a small cage.

Lee nods to the princess. He bends down to unlock the cage, and pulls Jerry out with two hands. Luna squints, and steps closer to Jerry. "What is a baby bunyip doing here, so far from the Badlands...?"

"I found Jerry near the castle..." Fluttershy answers tearfully, "... I-I didn't know what I was doing when I took care of him... I didn't know he was going to... kill me."

Luna nods in understanding, "I see, fair Fluttershy, your kindness got the better of you and you merely wished to nurse an infant back to health. But, now knowing of its ontology, you wish of me to dispose of it painlessly."

Fluttershy shakes her head and hooves, "Oh, no-no-no! You can't kill Jerry, he doesn't know any better!"

Lee shrugs, "I was gonna run it over with my car... but, I gotta respect her wishes... plus, that wouldn't sit well with me. I ain't lettin' her keep it, that's for sure. I was sorta hoping you could, I dunno, find a way to take care of it without killin' it? Like, so that it won't kill no one when it grows up? It's still a baby, so maybe you could stop the whole parent mutilation it likes to do so much?"

Luna raises an eyebrow, looks to Lee, Fluttershy, and Jerry. She begins to chuckle, "I'll personally give Jerry the best of care. After all, its poison is of no effect to me, so I should be safe. And if my sister can have a mythical pet, why shouldn't I?" Luna puts a hoof on Fluttershy's shoulder, "Rest assured, Fluttershy, he will be safe."

"Um... will I be able to visit from time to time?"

"Naturally."

Fluttershy throws her hooves around Luna and Lee, bringing them together for a great, big, bear-hug. "Thank you, thank you, thank you soooo much!" She releases the two to turn to Jerry. "Momma's gotta go, you're gonna live with Luna now, okay? Be good for me, sweetie!" Fluttershy places a kiss on the bunyip's puzzled expression.

Princess Luna waves one last time, places Jerry on her back, and flies off.

Fluttershy was already looking better from the sickness. Her flu was gone, and no more bloody coughs! She looks to Lee with tears of joy. "Thank you."

Lee held out a fist for her to bump, "Ain't no no 'thang, dumbass ho." Fluttershy chuckles, finally understanding Lee, and bumps him back.

Lee returned to Golden Oaks Library. Spike didn't inquire of the letter he sent, but was not allowed to read, due to the fact that Lee asked specifically for him not to. Lee simply explained his day to Twilight as one where he nursed Fluttershy back to health, leaving out the bunyip-bits of course.

As Lee retired to bed, he thought that he had done good in his decision to call the princess. Lee felt good about it too. That feeling would've remained if it were not for the terrifying nightmare that followed.

Author's Note

Weeell, here ya go, new chapter, and some friendshippin' with Flutters. Expect this to occur with Pinkie and Rainbow soon.

BTW, that donkey will come into play for a future chapter that I will very much enjoy writing.

Like, fave, follow, share with your friends, or whatever!

A Hearth's Warming Exorcism: Part 1

A black expanse. A shifting, dark, eery, blackness that seemed to extend in every direction. The black covered all of Lee's senses. Everything was dead silent, until the screaming began. The mad screams, like the black, came from every possible angle. In imperceptible seconds, the screaming evolved into a unified, howl.

Form was begotten in the darkness. Strange, abstract figures and places whirling in and out of view, all of them carrying the dirge call that attacked Lee's overloaded ears. There were some forms that he recognized: a Celestia charging a spell with her sister, Luna. His lost friend. The book that started it all. Beyond these beings were only wails and burning creatures.

Finally, the swirling expanse ceased motion, and took its final stage. A city. A gargantuan metropolis of impossible structures and geometry. A mad city of nonsense with no occupants, the only visible exception of this was Lee. Through the shifting, ridiculous city, Lee's eyes had been glued to one thing. A vault. A massive vault covered in unreadable symbols and pictographs. Behind the continuous howl was the thrum. A reverberating, rhythmic thrum shaking the city, as if the city had a heartbeat.

Lee could not look at the rune-covered vault anymore. It tore at his being, his sanity. Lee shifted his sights to the ground where another strange object lay. A book. A dark, skin-bound tome that brought Lee to this place: the Necronomicon. The book's skull returned his gaze, and began to cackle. The skull promptly ceased laughter.

The skull twisted against the cover, as if it were attempting to rip free from the book's skin-binding, and replied, "YOU WILL WALK TO THE END OF DAYS."

Lee woke with heavy panting and bloodshot eyes. Lee gripped his head, trying to come to terms with what he envisioned. Unfortunately, as most dreams do, the details and events escaped him. Lee attempted to dismiss the nightmare simply as a nightmare. However, this plan did nothing to erase the disturbing mark the dream left on his psyche.

Lee glanced at his phone to see that it was ten A.M. Normally, Lee would have gone back to sleep, but the adrenaline rush he was experiencing from the dream would not allow that. Lee threw off the blankets, and prepared to execute an action jump off of the bed and onto his feet by coiling his knees to his chest like a spring. Of course, this ended with him hitting the floor.

Lee sprang to his feet, wiped the dust off of his body, and checked to make sure his swag in check. Everyswag seemed to be in order, so Lee decided to descend the stairs by sliding down the banister. Lee did not count on Twilight blinking in front of him as he jumps onto the banister.

The split second Lee had to utter any word was used to say, "You dumbass ho—"

*CRAAAAAASSSSHHH*

The two collide, and tumble down the stairs in a flurry of cursing-human and lavender alicorn. The whirlwind hits the library's ground floor, sending a resounding boom through the home. Spike walks by with a cup of what smelled like hot chocolate, and briefly regards the scene. "I give the crash an 8."

"B*tch, for once, it was her fault. How the Hell are you gonna give me an 8?"

"Good point. I'll leave it at a 9.5. Heh heh!"

Twilight Sparkle picks herself up from the crash, and levitates Lee upright with a quick pull of her magic. She gives Spike a less-than-amused grimace. "Very funny."

Lee stretches, and pops the cracks in his neck, "I'll tell you what's funny. Your stupid-ass teleporting. If you're going to do that in this damn house, MAKE SURE YOU CAN SEE WHERE YOU'RE GOING! I mean... damn!"

Twilight blushes at his accusations, "I'm sorry, Lee. You're right, I should make sure I don't get in anyone's way when I blink."

"THAT'S WHAT I F*CKING THOUGHT, you star-assed anal-witch!"

Spike raises an eyebrow, "Anal-witch?"

"DAMN IT! I just woke up, give me a f*cking break! Anyways, did ya cook up breakfast, L'il Nig?"

Spike gestured to the meal-table. "Scrambled eggs and biscuits, just the way you like it!"

Lee rubbed his hands together in delight, "Mmm, gobble-gobble, mother-f*ckers!" and dashed for the plate of eggy-delights coupled with buttery biscuits (something Lee taught Spike to make. It made him feel at home).

As Lee was ravaging the morning victuals with the savagery of a Black Friday shopper, he began to hear a faint call in his ear. It seems that the other residents of Golden Oaks noticed as well.

Spike cupped a hand around his ear holes, "Is... that somepony screaming?"

"Look out belooow!!!!!"

Lee puts the forkful of scrambled deliciousness down. He clasps his hands together, and sighs.

A multicolored meteor rockets through the library's walls, and annihilates the meal-table, along with Lee's breakfast, upon impact. Rainbow Dash rises from the splintered-remains with a few flaps and a groan. "Whoa... heavy landing."

"Rainbow!" Twilight chastises as she approaches the dazed daredevil, "I would really appreciate it if you wouldn't break entry holes into my home, and you ruined Lee's breakfast!"

Upon hearing that she disrupted the volatile human's meal, Rainbrow flinches. She puts a hoof on Lee's petrified shoulder, "Uh... sorry about that pal."

Lee slowly shakes his head, "I'm too damn hungry and tired to come up with creative insults right now."

Rainbow Dash exhales in relief, and throws an arm around Lee's shoulder in a buddy-buddy manner. "How about this, Lee? I'll treat ya to some Hearth's Warming Eve goodies to make up for your breakfast. That sound good to you?"

Lee crosses his arms and turns away. Then he quietly grumbles, "Grumble, grumble... let's get some finger-f*ckin'-lickin'-good cookies."

Rainbow flies a few feet higher in cheer, "Awesome!" then she pivots to Twilight and Spike, "You guys wanna get in on this too?"

Twilight smiles and nods, "Of course we would, Rainbow. Besides, I was already on my way to help out with the Hearth's Warming activities and events. Spike here actually has a part in the play!"

Spike proceeds to puff his chest out, "Yup! I'm the daring knight, Silver Chivalry!"

A gear ground to a halt in Lee's head upon hearing of this play. "Knight? I don't remember any f*cking knights in the Hearth's Warming Eve program y'all told me you did. I thought it was about three jackasses finding Equestria?"

"We're doing something different this year!" Spike pipes up, "Instead of doing the same play like we always do, Ponyville is gonna be hosting a brand new play called, A Hearth's Warming Rescue!"

Twilight grabs a pamphlet lying on a nearby desk with her magic, and floats it to Lee's hands. It was a playbill of the aforementioned play. It depicted Spike, in typical knight's armor, brandishing a lance towards Snails, who wore some sort of a wizard's cloak. Under Snails, in chains, was Applebloom wearing a tiara and ball gown.

Twilight clears her throat, "The play is about the kidnapped Princess Blossom, and the knight, Silver Chivalry, who tries to rescue her from the evil wizard, Hex Hoof! Through harmony and friendship, not brute force, Silver Chivalry gains companions to help him in his fight against Hex Hoof. And it is through harmony and friendship they win her back! Well, that's the gist of it. I'm not gonna spoil the ending."

Lee shrugs, "Sounds kinda gay, but I'll go for mah L'il Nig." Lee gets up, and walks toward the bathroom. "I'm gonna get funky-fresh, and then we'll go out and show out."

Lee, Rainbow, Twilight, and Spike, exited Golden Oaks to see the falling snow, bright house-lights, and playing ponies. Lee was wearing the thick, orange jacket he bought from Rarity. Rainbow only wore a multicolored beanie, her Pegasus blood giving her ample protection against the cold elements. Twilight wore a navy-blue, fluffy snow vest and earmuffs. Spike had gone commando, because he was a dragon and he did not need anything to keep warm since he had his own internal furnace.

The four crunched through the frosted roads, making a beeline for the town square. The party would have gone in Lee's car, but pony traffic plus icy roads equals a complete disaster. All around, mares and stallions wished them a happy Hearth's Warming Eve, imparting a bit of their holiday cheer to the human. Lee's ears pinpointed a jingling bell to his left. The source was a white stallion with a chestnut-brown mane holding a bell before a candy-cane striped bucket. The bucket bore a sign which read, "Donations for Foals in Need!"

Lee dug into his pockets, procured a handful of bits, and dropped it into the stallion's bucket. The stallion smiled and happily says to Lee, "Have a happy Hearth's Warming Eve!"

Twilight noticed his act of generosity and smiled. It was easy to forget how decent of a person Lee was with his erratic behavior.

"We're here," Lee notes as they enter the bustling town square, "time to smash some f*cking cookies."

Rainbow Dash flies above the crowd to spot a food stand, "There's Applejack! She's gotta be sellin' something awesome!"

Lee nods and motions for the ponies to stand back, "Check it, I'm about to part the waters."

Twilight raises an eyebrow, "Or, you know, we could just walk there?"

"WALKING IS FOR B*TCHES!" Lee shouts, causing nearby ponies to halt in confusion, "YOLO!!!!!!!!"

Lee takes a running start, and leaps onto a colt's sled, belly first. The result was what looked like a sliding penguin. This was naturally hilarious, causing everypony to laugh at his antics. Lee reaches Applejack's stand, and jumps to his feet.

Applejack giggles at his entry and waves, "Happy Hearth's Warming Eve to ya!"

"What up, Breakfast? I'm actually here, because I missed breakfast, because Rain-Fag broke our table, and she's paying for my breakfast now, Breakfast? You got me?"

Applejack blinks a couple times, "Pardon?"

"Whatever he gets is on me!" Rainbow explains as she swoops in with Twilight and Spike in tow. "I sorta wrecked his breakfast... heh heh."

Applejack snorts, "Oh, makes sense. Go ahead, Lee, help yourself!"

"YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS I WILL!" Lee then proceeds to grab a handful of gingerbread cookies, apple-fritters, and some bottled egg-nog to top it off. He begins to walk off, "Ima check out what sh*t they got set up."

Lee lets the ponies talk about whatever ponies talk about, and treads further into the square. He passed ornament vendors, more food stands, sculpture shops, and carolers. Lee decided on venturing towards the giant stage, that had once again, been set up for a performance. It appears that the stage was set for the play that Spike was starring in.

What Lee saw was complete chaos. Costumed colts and fillies running around, with no apparent direction in mind. Random set pieces were falling apart. Songs were being sung off-key. Diamond Tiara was yelling at Snips and Snails. At the center of it all was Miss Cheerilee attempting to reign it all in.

The frantic teacher spots Lee, and bounds off the stage to meet him. She reaches Lee with a heavy panting and wide eyes, "Lee! Do you know where Spike and Twilight are?!"

Lee gestures to Applejack's stand, where the Twilicorn was still chatting. Twilight and Spike notice the teacher staring at them, and make their way towards her.

Twilight smiles, "Nice to see you, Miss Cheerilee! I believe I was supposed to—"

Cheerilee presses a clipboard into her hands, "—help, me!!!" then she turns to the apprehensive Spike, "Go, act!"

Twilight and Spike quickly grasp the situation, and set off to do their duties. Lee squints at the panicky teacher, "Uh, what the Hell is going on?"

"I don't know!" Cheerilee yells, "Everything is suddenly going wrong! Something is messing with the set pieces, the kids are getting distracted by something, and Apple Bloom is missing! This is the dress rehearsal, we need her!"

Lee curls his lip, "Isn't this something that should've been fixed, like, I don't know, a week before?"

"That's the thing! I don't know what the problem is! Something has been getting in the way the entire time! Scripts getting destroyed, costumes mysteriously disappearing... ugh." the teacher sighs, and rubs her temples.

This was when Lee caught something strange, "You sure no one ain't messin' with the play on purpose?"

Cheerilee cocks her head to the side, "I don't think so, Lee. It's just a foal's Hearth Warming Eve play. I'm sure it's just really... really... bad luck."

"Alright... give me a second."

Lee walks to the stage and grabs a nearby colt. "You know anything about why the f*ck everything is going wrong?"

"Somepony's messing with us!" the colt replies. "We all know it, but Miss Cheerilee says that doesn't make sense."

Lee nods to himself, and asks a followup question, "Who is it?"

The colt's eyes widen, and he turns away. "I, uh... it's Apple Bloom's new friend! That's all I really know."

Lee smirks. The colt knew something, and that meant there was more to this. Normally, Lee wouldn't care too much about some play, but it's Spike's play!

Considering Apple Bloom had, about, two good friends, Lee knew where to turn to next. He finds Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo scurrying off the stage, without costume. He approaches the two, and they look up at him with innocent smiles.

"Hey Lee!" they greet in adorable unison.

"What up?" Lee replies while making fake gang signs with his fingers, "Where Apple Bloom at? I need to ask her something."

Their immediate reaction was the same as the colt from before. Scootaloo broke the silence first, "Oh! She's at home. She got sick, you see? Heh..."

"Really?" Lee asks with an ominous smile, "I think Ima pay her a visit, to see if she's alright."

Lee walks away from the nervous fillies. He was gonna get to the bottom of this, no matter how unimportant a foal's play really was.

"Wait!" Sweetie Belle squeaks from behind, "Just... uh... she might act a little weird... just warning you."

Lee grimaces at the thought. Ponies acting weird? That, he had to see.

Lee arrived at Sweet Apple Acres fifteen minutes later. The legions of apple trees were covered with powdered bits of snow, as if they were a sugary breakfast cereal. Lee trudged past it all to meet the front door. He sharply rapped the door, knocking bits of snow off of the wood.

The door was opened by the large stallion known as Big Mac. "Howdy?"

Lee gives him a wave, "Miss Cheerilee asked me to check on Apple Bloom. Can I come inside?" This was not a complete lie. Cheerilee did mention that she needed Apple Bloom, so it would not hurt to check on her. Plus, Lee was getting more and more curious about this play business.

Big Mac simply replies, "Eeyup. Come in."

Once Lee entered the domicile, Big Mac shut the door, and whispered strange words to him. "Something's wrong with Apple Bloom."

Lee furrows his brow, "What do you mean?"

"Whatever's wrong," Big Mac rasps, "it ain't natural."

Big Mac leads Lee through the house, past the snoring Granny Smith on the armchair, and up the stairs. Big Mac quietly and slowly opens the door to a nearby bedroom. Apple Bloom was here. She was sitting on the bed staring at the wall, and laughing.

Big Mac beckons Lee to go forward. He nods, and apprehensively steps closer. Something was terribly wrong. He could feel it in the air. The room actually seemed ten degrees cooler than the rest of the house. There was also this sinister, suffocating feeling all around him, oppressing him.

"Apple Bloom?" Lee slowly asks, so not to startle her.

The yellow filly's head eerily pivots toward Lee with the blankest of expression. A smile breaks the face, "Howdy, Lee! You need to meet mah new best friend, Bob!" she gestures towards the empty air in front of her.

Lee raises an eyebrow, and Big Mac shakes his head. "Bob?"

Apple Bloom giggles, "Well, duh! Bob's great! He thinks Ah'm great too, even though I don't got a cutie mark yet. He don't like it when people make fun of me neither! Like with the play! Diamond Tiara said mah princess dress looked bad on a blank-flank, so Bob set her dress on fire! He wanted to set her on fire, but Ah'm told him that he couldn't do that! Heheh!"

Lee nods in understanding, and turns to Big Mac, "Oh, ok. She's a psycho-b*tch, she's got an imaginary friend, and she wants to burn the Diamond-Studded-B*tch. She's just f*ck up is all! I'll just go—"

"BOB ISN'T IMAGINARY! BOB DOESN'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU CALL HIM IMAGINARY!" howled an otherworldly voice from Apple Bloom's figure. "BOB DOESN'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU CALL ME PSYCHO!!!!!!!!"

Before Lee could jump out the window from what-the-f*ckery, Apple Bloom blasted his entire body with a stomach-rocket of black vomit. Lee wiped his eyes off and screams, "Oh, WHAT THE F*CK!"

Apple Bloom cackles madly, and begins to ululate as if she were a primal native, "LULULULU! SURPRISE, UNCLE-F*CKER!" Apple Bloom launches herself onto Lee's cringing figure. She bites and tears and punches as Lee unsuccessfully attempts to rip her off of him.

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Big Mac commands. The massive stallion rips her off with one hoof, and chucks Apple Bloom to the other end of the room. Big Mac grabs Lee, and drags him out of the bedroom before slamming the door shut on the savage filly. He proceeds to lock it, bolt, padlock it, and chainlock it.

Lee strips off the upchuck covered jacket and cries to Big Mac, "YOU DIDN'T TELL ME SHE WAS GONNA FIRE A F*CKING GAG-ROCKET!"

Big Mac grunts, "All o' that was pretty new, actually."

Lee shakes his head in disbelief. "We better get everyone over here."

"Know what's wrong...?

Lee grimly nods, "Really cold room, talking to imaginary friends, strange behaviour, vomit-missiles, strength of a champion wrestler. You got a demon. And that means you need an exorcism."

Author's Note

Wow, chapter released so close to the one before!
Anyways, this will be the Hearth's Warming arc. A possesion. I'll expand more on the backstory of the possession in the next chapter, which will be released tomorrow, on Christmas.

Merry Christmas Eve!

Happy New Year!: Escape from the Crystal Empire.

BEFORE THE EVENTS AND TIMESPAN THAT FOLLOWED SPIKE'S MASCULINITY CRISIS

"Can somebody please explain what the Hell is going on?" Gogurt pleaded to the Changeling Queen from the confines of the oozing, green cocoon.

Chrysalis smirked at the human's confusion, and stalked closer, "First, why don't you explain what you are?"

"Wait," Gogurt squints at the Queen's question. His lips curl in disbelief, "so, you decided to chase and kidnap somebody without even knowing a thing about him? May I ask where your logic decided to hang itself? Or are you just a special kind of stupid?"

Ditzy nudged Gogurt's arm, "Uh... you probably don't wanna make fun of her.."

"I suggest you take the pony's advice!" Chrysalis snarls. "If you must know, it was not my original intention to pursue. You can thank my reconnaissance unit for that. They spotted you wandering Hayseed Swamps during a mission, and decided to give chase. The problem is, we don't know what you're supposed to be... and you are going to be of use to us. So, explain."

"And what manner of coercion will push me to tell you that?" The Queen responded by hissing and baring her glistening, white fangs.

Gogurt shrugs, "Alright, that'll work. I'm a human. My race is Indian, but not the dark kind. I'm a male. No need to check. I like long walks on the beach, enjoy Italian food, do a bit of art in my—"

"—That's enough!" Chrysalis roars, "Now, what are you doing with a Pegasus and a... raptor?"

"Running like a liberal out of Hell."

The large Changeling raised an eyebrow at the political shot, but pressed onward nonetheless, "Running from what?"

Gogurt sighs, "You, raptors, timberwolves, an angry dragon, and whatever decides to eat me next. I was sorta running in the same direction as these two, so they joined in."

Good, good..." Chrysalis croons, "... now, where do you come from?"

"Earth. In short, I'm a looooooong way from home... so, is it my turn to ask?"

"I suppose so." Chrysalis responds in a flat tone.

"What the Hell do you want from me?"

Chyrsalis begins to cackle at the question, causing the rest of the changelings to join in the buzzing laughter. "For now, food."

Gogurt blanches, only capable of uttering, "Wut?"

"Changelings feed off of love," Ditzy whimpers. "and she's gonna suck the love other ponies have for us!"

Gogurt blows a raspberry, "Wow, ain't that lame and cliche? And, besides, how are we gonna feed aaaaaaall of them?"

Chrysalis shakes her head, "Oh, don't you worry about that. There is a steady supply of love to be consumed from these creatures." she brings a cute, furry, wide-eyed, kitten-like creature to view in the hold of her magic. It mewls, and gives the Queen a paper heart with 'I Wub you!' written on it. "You three, however, are going to be my personal love farms. The cuddly type of love these creatures give tends to leave a tiresome taste in my mouth."

Upon understanding the implications of the situation, Gogurt assumes a deep grimace, "Wait, we're gonna be your personal harem..? Look, lady, I bet your all kinds of nice and all, but bestiality is waaaaaaaaay off limits for me. I don't know if that term applies to sentient creatures, but it stays because you're creepy."

Ditzy blushes and hides behind her hooves, whereas Reginald the Raptor and Chrysalis face-hoofed (face-clawed?).

Gogurt throws his arms into the air in resignation, "Can't make a damn joke without someone takin' it too seriously, can I?"

Chrysalis growls to a nearby changeling-drone, "Leave, I can feed on these idiots myself."

The drones briefly bow to their queen before buzzing out of the open door.

The Queen turns back to the trio with a wide smile and exposed fangs, "Don't worry, you will be of more use than food in the future... but I need to wait until you are all nice and weak." Chrysalis focuses her slit-eyes on Gogurt, "You should prove quite useful yourself."

Gogurt cocks his head to the left, "And why do you say that?"

"Can't you tell?" Chrysalis asks, "I, and every other changeling here can see it, smell it, and feel it. There's a dark and sinister... thing... to you. Every time I look at you, I immediately notice that heavy, suffocating, slimy, seductive, presence of evil."

Gogurt shifts nervously, "You're giving off that rape-y vibe again..."

Chrysalis ignores his remark, "Why, I'm surprised this little Pegasus hasn't run away yet! Most ponies would take one look at you, and see a villain. They would scream in terror, and dash as far as possible from any trace of you!"

Gogurt's mind instantly turns to the book hidden beneath his jacket. "What are you trying to say...?"

"That you look like a monster."

Before the human could deny anything, Chrysalis's mouth yawned open, causing a strange suction to occur. Gogurt immediately felt and saw a green miasma drain from his being, into the mouth of the Changeling Queen. Something was literally being sucked out from the corners of his soul, leaving the human more and more tired. Gogurt turned his head to see that his two companions were experiencing the same sensation.

Chrysalis finally closed her mouth after what seemed to be ages, and assumed a dopey-eyed look of ecstasy, "Mmmmm... I haven't had new love in too long."

Gogurt sways, and falls to the ground. He groans, and says to the Queen, "Still... creepy..."

SOME DAYS AFTER THE EVENTS OF THE HEARTH'S WARMING EXORCISM. WHAT, YOU WANT A SPECIFIC DAY COUNT? FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF, YOU CAN DO IT.

Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks... Gogurt was unable to tell how long it has been anymore. All he knew was the constant exhaustion and pain that had resulted from being fed upon by the Queen during their imprisonment at Changeling Castle.

The only thing Gogurt has been able to do was think, think about the seemingly impossible plight that had befallen him and his seemingly impossible new companions. Gogurt also could not help but think that this was all his fault. The poor Pegausus and... raptor... would never have been chased by Changelings if he had not accompanied them.

His thoughts would also shift to Queen Chrysalis's words. She said that there was something about Gogurt. Chrysalis said it was something dark, something sinister, something evil. He looked like a monster. Why would he look like a monster? Ditzy had not seen a monster when she carried him to safety, neither did Reginald. However, Gogurt could not deny that something had changed. Every time a Changeling drone would pass by his chrysalis, (the changeling's term for the cocoons) they would keep a wide berth and recoil at his stares. Some nearly ran from his presence. Even Chrysalis kept a wary on him above all else.

Gogurt only had one answer for this: the book, the Necronomicon. The first thoughts he had regarding this matter, was that the creatures were simply afraid of the book's very proximity, despite the fact that it was unseen. However, Gogurt soon realized in his imprisonment that this was not the case. The reasons involved the fact that the Changelings did not turn tail and run when they first encountered him in Hayseed Swamps. This remained true for the raptors and other creatures. Plus, Ditzy had not refused to aid him either, so she did not feel the book's influence either. Of course, this could have been simply due to her well-meaning nature. However, this still left the human with some form of a conclusion. The the book was slowly getting stronger and stronger, and that it just began to exert its influence. But, why didn't Gogurt feel the same irrational fear that the others did?

Gogurt watched the amorphous bits of water drip from the dank, musty, stone ceiling and burst onto Chrysalis's sleeping form, pondering what to do about the matter at hand. A groan interrupted his thinking. Gogurt shifted to the noise's source to see that it was Ditzy. She was stirring awake from her drain-induced slumber. Ditzy yawned, and blinked the tiredness from her eyes. It was then that Gogurt realized what he needed for an answer was a second opinion.

"Hey, Ditz'?"

The Pegasus grunts, and turns to Gogurt, "Yeah?"

"Do...uh..." Gogurt struggled to find the right words, "... I look different from when you first found me?"

Ditzy frowned. "Well, um, you've got a beard and mustache now, so you look old, I guess?"

Gogurt furrowed his brow, and stroked his spiky, hair-covered chin, "Crap... always grows back fast. At least mine isn't some fuzzy, prepubescent peach hair. I feel rugged, as if I were some grizzled, war-torn adventurer with a dark and obscure past."

Ditzy attempts to focus her eyes, "Huh?"

Gogurt waved it aside with a weak flap of his arm, "Sexy facial-hair aside, that wasn't what I was talking about. I mean what the Glory-Hole Queen was saying."

"Glory-Hole Queen..?"

Gogurt gestures to the Queen, "You know, 'cuz she's got holes all over her legs and stuff?"

"Oooooh..." Ditzy half-nods in understanding, "...what's a glory-hole?"

"Don't worry about that. Question is, was there any truth to what she said?"

Ditzy immediately flinches, "Well... uh... you weren't like any of that... when I first met you."

Gogurt raises his eyebrows in anticipation, "And now?"

Ditzy looks away, "Now, I get a little scared every time I look at you. I know you aren't evil, or anything like that, and I always feel bad about getting scared... so I've been hiding it. I don't know why I would get scared, it's just that whenever I see you, my instincts always wanna say, run, run away. He's bad news, run."

Gogurt was struck with silence. Judging from what his new friend said, merely glancing in his direction would cause unexplained terror. He was akin to a monster... all because of that damned book.

Ditzy noticed his falling expression and hastily added, "But! Every time my mind tells me you're evil, I remember how silly that is. All you've done is been nice to me and Reginald. You're one of the only ones that never make fun of my stupid eyes! So, I tell my mind to shut up, because no evil monster would act like that."

Ditzy's amendment had a visible effect on the human. It was nice for Gogurt to know that there was someone—or, somepony—that knew how to look past the thick exterior. He grimly smiles, "Thanks."

Ditzy smiles back and nods, "I'd give you a hug, but I can't really move that well."

"It's okay, mental hugs work... for now." The two chuckle, but Gogurt's mind quickly goes back to the matter. The exchange confirmed his fears: the book was growing stronger.

"Awake, are we?"

The Changeling Queen rises from her pink reclining couch, and steps to the encasing chrysalis. "Good, because it's about time I reveal your true purpose in all of this."

Chrysalis marches the chained human through the stone corridors. A pair of armored Changeling officers flanked the Queen's left and right, to make sure the prisoner would not try anything funny.

"Why are you taking me alone, again?" Gogurt moans as he strains to keep up the heavy pace.

"Because," lulls the Queen, "you are the only part that matters in the plan. The other two are merely guilty by association, so I see no cause in including them in the plan. Anyways, here we are: the War Room."

The Changeling officers push the large, oaken, double-doors open to reveal a round room centered by a octagonal shaped table covered by a detailed map from edge to edge. On the table were various forms of figurines and a single crystal orb.

"Some time ago, my kind attempted to take over Canterlot and feed off its love as a part of our new empire," Chrysalis saunters to the map with the human in tow, and points the aforementioned city at the center of the map. "However, my disguise was blown. Shining Armor and his wife, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, used the power of love to blast our kind to the far reaches of Equestria."

Gogurt snorts, "Mi Amore Cadenza, Shining Armor, talk about pretentious names and a cheesy win."

Chrysalis chuckles, "Oh, don't even get me started on the pretty-pink-princess! Anyways, my Changelings and I ended up in a village full of the furry, loving creatures I showed you before. We fed off of their love, and eventually took this castle. Soon after, I tried to take the magical power of the Element of Magic, Twilight Sparkle. I failed... now we're trapped in this castle by some jabbering, possessed costume. If it weren't for the Changeling Reconnaissance left in the swamps, I'd be stuck here forever." Chrysalis grunts, "I can't leave for more than a minute or that costume finds out, and alerts the Elements.

Gogurt raises his eyebrows, "Elements? And Twilight Sparkle? What mother gives these God-awful names?"

"Oh, that's right, you don't know about the Elements of Harmony, do you?" Chrysalis notes. "As for the names... ugh, don't ask me."

It was at this moment, that the enervated human came across a realization. He knew next to nothing about this new world! He had been too busy trying-not-to-die, that he forgot to inquire.

Gogurt shakily took a seat at the table, "Would you be able to educate me a bit on Equestria and stuff? It'd be nice to know more if I'm going to be forced into doing any slave-work for ya."

Chrysalis sighs and takes the biggest seat at the table, "I suppose so, but I'll only tell you what's necessary."

The Queen quickly briefed him on Equestrian knowledge. He learned of the three races of ponies, the alicorn rulers, the Crystal Empire, the Elements of Harmony, the Elements of Harmony being returned to the Tree of Harmony... and how well they took to monsters.

"I hope that satisfied your questions, because I'm not wasting anymore time. Here is what I need." Chrysalis points to the Crystal Empire. "Here, as I've just told you, lies the Crystal Heart."

"The thing-a-ma-dick that powers the shield around the city?"

Chrysalis nods, "Correct. The Crystal Heart is an artifact charged with the light and love of all the Crystal Ponies, effectively creating a shield that repels evil."

Gogurt squints as he begins to put the pieces together in his mind, "I see where this is going... if that heart is constantly charged with the love of the Crystal pony-things, then that's a lot of love for you to feed off of."

Chrysalis clops her hooves together in applause, "How sharp of you! With that ridiculous amount of love, I'll grow powerful enough to rise again, I'll be more powerful than all the Princesses combined, and EQUESTRIA WILL BE MINE!!!!"

Gogurt holds up his hands, "Alright, enough of the theatrics. I get it, you want me to go get it, because y'all are too, 'evil', to get past the defenses... but what if I can't get in? Didn't you say that I had an evil presence?"

Chrysalis freezes, and puts a hoof to her chin, "I did not account for that. The whole reason I picked you out of all things was because you wouldn't be missed when found missing, and you don't seem to have any allegiance to the wretched Princesses. Well, you could pass. You look like a monster, but you seem nice enough, so maybe you'll pass through? Besides, evil is such a subjective term."

"I agree," Gogurt says with crossed arms, "but isn't this a bit of an oversight? I mean, a lot can go wrong now. I'm not supporting your megalomaniac-ideals or anything, I just don't see the logic."

Chrysalis sighs, and scratches her horn, "Well, the problem is that we don't have much time. Today's the New Year's celebration, and the best time to slip in and out of the Empire with the Heart. With so many ponies in one place, it makes it quite easy to steal, and we won't get this chance again."

The humans blows a raspberry and leans back into the chair, "Well, screw it, that's the plan then. So.... how do I go about getting this most likely heavily guarded artifact integral to the Empire's safety?"

Chrysalis whispered to one of the officers. The officer stepped to Gogurt and deposited a large haversack into his lap with a flash of his horn. "The Queen has said that the steps for the plan are written in the scroll, inside the haversack, for easy remembrance. Do not open it until you are before the Empire's gates."

Gogurt curls his lips, "And if I don't do this?"

"Why that's simple!" Chrysalis sings, "If you fail to bring back the Crystal Heart within the allotted time inscribed within the scroll, I'll keep your Pegasus and Raptor friends as a food-farm for the rest of their lives!"

Before the human could execute a witty remark regarding the holes in her legs, the Changeling officers, along with their Queen, charged their horns and released a spell onto him. The world briefly twists and warps around his eyes, before he vanishes.

Gogurt reappears into existence. He opens his eyes to see a wide, moonlit green pasture with a single river cutting through the grass. He looked down and saw that he was enveloped within the shadow of a large monolith. His eyes followed the river, finding that it eventually flowed into a gigantic city with twisting, tinkling spires in the far distance.

Gogurt remembers the haversack in his hands and proceeds to open it. He widens the hole and pulls out a brown paper bag with the distinct smell of spicy mustard.

Written on the bag was, "Inside is a turkey and spicy mustard sandwich on sourdough. Considering the ponies don't take to meat very well, I figured it would be best to go ahead and give you something to eat myself. This should also restore the energy you've lost from being my love-farm the past days. Enjoy...

XOXO, Queen Chrysalis

Knowing well that this is a bad idea, and that it is very creepy, Gogurt opens the paper bag and pulled out the aforementioned sandwich. Of course, it is quite delicious, and true to the message, quite energizing. He feels all the drowsiness and pain fade away within seconds. Gogurt took another look at the bag, and saw that there was a message on the other side.

"By the way, this enchanted sandwich will make you take the appearance of an earth pony stallion to anypony but yourself, and mask any of that dark presence you ooze so much of. It should help you move along inside the Crystal Empire. It shouldn't wear off until the final steps of the plan. There should be enough of the enchantment to affect you, but I'm not sure. Once you finish it, read the scroll."

Gogurt polishes off the rest of the sandwich, and digs through the haversack for the scroll. He finds it, and pulls it out. He breaks the wax seal and reads the numbered steps.

Step 1: Enter the Empire without garnering suspicion

Step 2: Locate the Crystal Heart. It should be at the very center of it all.

Step 3: Cause a distraction. Break a window, cause a dispute, whatever.

Step 4: Tamper with the fireworks. Do not destroy them, simply cause a delay.

Step 5: Try to distance yourself from the Royal Guards, they might be able to sniff the magic disguising you. ESPECIALLY stay clear of Shining Armor. If he traps you in a shield, you won't be able to escape.

Step 6: Grab the Crystal Heart once the appropriate distractions have been made.

Step 7: Slip through the crowds and make your way out of the Empire. Use the Teleportation Crystal in the haversack to bring yourself back to the castle instantly, but it will not work unless you reach this rock. Don't question it, it's magic. And above all, don't lose it, they're not very easy to make.

If you fail to retrieve the Crystal Heart within a week, or if you inform anypony of the plan, or if you even get captured, consider your friends my food for the next generation.

XOXO, Queen Chrysalis.

Gogurt grimaces at the distant city, "Better get moving...."

Gogurt reached the glowing Crystal Empire with thirty minutes. It was quite an impressive sight to behold. The city twinkles and casts off luminescent colors through the night sky, glistening, laughing, Crystal Pegasi zip in and out, popping small-scale firecrackers at each other. The most noticeable feature, however, was the shining, iridescent shield that flashed from time to time.

Time to ruin it all.

Gogurt, not wanting to look suspicious, takes the main road that all the other ponies were using to enter the Empire. As he slips into the crowd, he notices that none of the ponies take half a notice of him. It appears the magic sandwich was magic after all. Maybe this would go as smoothly as possible.

But the shield says otherwise.

Gogurt was having trouble with the shield. It's not that it completely bars him from entry, more that it is confused as to whether it should bar him at all. It was like trying to push your way through jello. What's worse, was that some of the ponies were starting to take notice.

Gogurt finally heaves his way through the Crystal Heart's shield, but he sure as Hell failed Step One of the plan. He pretends not to notice the other ponies stares, and quickly blends with the moving crowd of equines. Luckily, he got no more than a few looks.

"HALT!"

Gogurt freezes and faces the guard that had called his name. "Sup?"

"What is your name?"

Uh oh. He had forgotten to think of a name, but it did not stop him from blurting out, "SEXY BEAST. That's my name. Sexy Beast."

The guard raises an eyebrow, and hands Sexy Beast a ticket from a pouch on the side of his armor. "You forgot to register yourself a ticket at the gate, Mr.... Sexy Beast. You need this to enjoy the festivities. It's all for organization. Have a good New Year's Eve." the guard nods, and walks off.

Gogurt sighs in relief. That was too close, but at least ponies had to call him Sexy Beast now.

He looks back to the scroll. Now he has to locate the Crystal Heart. According to the instructions, it is at the center of the very Empire. It is a good thing there were many helpful signs located at every corner. Sexy Beast passes happy, playful ponies and foals. They are really enjoying themselves on this New Year's night. How strange it is. He had never expected to spend his New Year's in a land populated by talking ponies, nor did he expect to be the instrument in a Changeling scheme. Well, that is life.

Sexy Beast finally finds himself in the center of the Empire. He ignores the kiosks selling strange "crystal" foods, and homes in on the piece of the hour: the Crystal Heart. Unfortunately, it is completely surrounded by awed ponies... and the Royal Guard. However, there is a glimmer of hope in this hopeless situation.

Sexy Beast looks up, and gazes upon the cyan-blue Crystal Castle. At the midsection of the caslte were the fireworks. They had been arranged in a ring around the castle, angled towards the sky. Sexy Beast catches the balcony the fireworks originated at, and sees the pump-activated detonation device. If he could set them off... that might provide an ample enough distraction to retrieve the Crystal Heart. His eyes wander down, and sees the ponies pouring into the castle. A free tour, how lucky!

Sexy Beast realizes that getting to the Crystal Castle through the roads would have meant a large detour. He sees that ponies were walking directly across the square, in close proximity to the Crystal Heart, no less, but were not even given so much as a glance! If he cut straight across the square, he would get to the castle much quicker, and nopony would even mind!

Sexy Beast begins to trot through the central square where the ponies were watching the Crystal Heart, confident this would go down easier than expected, but that was when it all went wrong. All at once, the music, the banter, the talking, the festivities, they all abruptly stopped. Then Sexy Beast hears the gasps. Sexy Beast stops walking to see that everypony is staring directly at him. Well, it seems that sandwich did not last as long as expected.

"THAT MONSTER'S TRYING TO STEAL THE CRYSTAL HEART!!!" screams a nearby unicorn mare.

"Wait, what?" Gogurt looks down to see that he is right next to the glowing, blue, Crystal Heart.

It did not take him long to realize the implications of this. "Well, shit."

The situation only got worse when the guard unintentionally surprised him from behind, "Step away from the—URGH!!!"

The sudden surprise had prompted Gogurt's reflexes to roundhouse kick him in the head, knocking the Crystal Guard to the ground.

Gogurt dropped to his knees and struggled to apologize, "Aw, I'm sorry, man! This is that thing with the Clinton cop all over again! It's just that when people sneak up on me—"

"NOW HE'S TRYING TO EAT THAT GUARD!!!!" shrieks the same mare, working the ponies into a nickering, bucking, and neighing, fear-frenzy.

Gogurt screams to the crowd, "Will you all calm down?!?!" but to no avail. They simply continued their cries of terror.

"Don't touch the Crystal Heart, evil-doer!" shouts a commanding stallion's voice over the crowd.

Gogurt wheels to the voice's source, "Evil-doer? Come on, are you really that cliche... oh, f*ck me with a thousand spiked demon-badger dicks."

The voice had happened to belong to a large, white, unicorn stallion in purple armor. From the descriptions Chrysalis gave, this had to be the Captain of the Royal Guard: Shining Armor. The Captain tentatively saunters closer to Gogurt, "Don't resist. We're gonna take you in and figure out what kind of...... monster you're supposed to be."

Gogurt remembered the requirements of the mission. If he got captured, Ditzy and Reginald were as good as dead. Capture was not an option. He looked to the Crystal Heart and saw that a trio of guards were now blocking it at every angle. Gogurt slowly steps away from the Crystal Heart.

The Crystal Heart was lost now, but he could always get it later. "I'm sorry, but I'm not coming with you." Gogurt placidly states to the Captain.

Shining sighs, "Well, guess I gotta do this the hard way." He lowers his horn, and begins to charge a spell. Gogurt quickly remembers his forte: barriers. If Shining Armor releases that spell, he's done for. So, how does Gogurt stop the spell in its tracks?

With a pony-shield, of course.

Gogurt grabs a nearby mare, the one that was shrieking, and holds her in front of his body. Shining Armor discharges the spell... onto the mare, enveloping her in an imprisoning bubble. Gogurt drops the bubbled, now very disgrunteld mare, and runs in the only available direction. He ran towards the Crystal Castle.

Shining undoes the spell on the mare, and points to Gogurt's fleeing figure, "After him!"

And so, the chase begins.

"Shit, shit, shit, SHIT!" Gogurt ducked a zap of magic from a pursuing guard.

Gogurt's escape through the Crystal Castle had not been the brightest of his ideas. He had been running for five minutes now. Shining's platoon had the advantage here. They knew the castle like the back of their hoof, and Gogurt was getting very, very lost. It all looked the same to him. Blue, blue, and even more blue over there. He could not tell if he was going up or down anymore.

However, for some reason, Shining and his Guard has still failed to capture him. Gogurt either ducked, strafed, or bludgeoned with a vase, every time a Guard got close enough to attack. That does not mean they completely missed the human. They had gotten a few zaps in, sending scorching magic through his body, but Gogurt could not stop running to nurse the pain.

Gogurt threw a nearby chair at a diving Pegasus guard, causing him to lose control and crash against the crystalline wall. Gogurt looked ahead and smiled in victory. A staircase! Unfortunately, as he neared the stairs, Shining Armor blinked in front of the steps. Shining lowered his horn for an imprisoning spell. The monster could not dodge this spell at the speed he was sprinting.

However, in the heat of the moment, Gogurt opted for a different maneuver. As he gets closer to the Captain, Gogurt drops to the ground, using the momentum and slick floor to slide under the Captain's standing body. Gogurt leaps to his feet as he clears Shining Armor, and delivers a kick to his Shining-Gonads (well, they weren't actually shining).

The Captain hits the floor from the sudden shock and belly-breaking pain. Gogurt laughs, and runs up the stairwell. He reaches the very top, and enters another hallway. Gogurt spots an open room in the center of the hall. He rushes inside and slams the door shut.

Gogurt pants from exhaustion, and turns to face the room he found himself in. He freezes upon seeing the pretty-pink Alicorn staring at him in a mix of disbelief and fear. Gogurt puts a finger to his lips, and rapidly explains his situation, "Take it easy, Princess, I'm just hiding from the Captain of the Guard. You see, I just kicked him in the horse-testicles and—"

"—Hold on!" Princess Cadance angrily interjects, "You kicked my Shiny in the Shining Un-Armored?! Wait a second, you're that monster that was trying to steal the Crystal Heart!"

Gogurt rolls his eyes, "Aw, Hell, that's right, you're married to the Douche-Burger."

That was when the door burst open, with a groaning Captain of the Royal Guard behind it, "Cadance! Are you alright? There's a monster..." he falters upon spotting the monster in the room.

Gogurt sighs, "Yup, I'm here." Gogurt looks to the side and notices the open door... leading to the balcony. "And now I'm out there."

Before Shining or Cadance could act, the human leaped through the open door and onto the balcony. Gogurt grins and scans the area for the interconnecting balconies and doors that accompany this one. He would run to a different balcony, open the door through there, and continue his escape.

Gogurt frowned, because he saw that there were no other doors or balconies! He had effectively cornered himself, and Shining Armor knew it. Shining slowly approaches the human with a smirk on his face.

Gogurt stumbles backwards and lands on a giant, cone shaped rocket decorated in black plastic. Beside the rocket were various assortments or firecrackers, some were even situated on the balcony's rails. The single-pump detonation device, resembling something off of Looney Tunes, sat in front of the rocket, awaiting activation. That's right, this is where the fireworks were supposed to be firing. It's funny. This was the human's destination before the magic sandwich wore off. Now, it was where he would be captured.

"I've got you now, monster!" Shining lowers his horn and charges a final spell.

Gogurt clambers up the rocket, "No, wait, you—"

*Click.*

Shining and Gogurt stop whatever they were doing to find where that ominous noise had come from. Gogurt looked down at his left foot. While he had been stumbling on the slick rocket, it had slipped and pushed down the detonation pump. A shower of orange sparks began to rain from the rocket's base.

Gogurt clenched the rocket as tight he could, and utter one word to the dumbstruck Captain, "F*ck."

*FWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Within seconds, Gogurt had left the grasp of the Crystal Castle, and had soared high into the sky, desperately holding onto slick rocket.

"WHYYYYYYYYYYY MEEEEEEEEEE?!?!?!?!?!??!"

Instead of rising directly above the castle, the rocket's intended path, Gogurt's weight had caused the rocket to fly at a sharp angle, towards the northern end of the Crystal Empire, and past its gates. Of course, as is the fates of all fire-cracking rockets, it bursts into a brilliant display of sparking, colored flame....... blasting a sizzling human to the frozen wasteland beyond the Crystal Empire.

While he fell, with the explosion ringing in his ears, Gogurt still managed to hear the Necronomicon's hearty chortling beneath his jacket.

The incredibly unfortunate human pondered how it remained under his jacket shortly before screaming, "DAMNIT, STOP LAUGHING!"

Gogurt eyed the quickly approaching, snow covered ground, and held out two middle fingers for the world to see, "HAPPY NEW YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!!!"

Author's Note

There you have it, my New Year chapter, and my longest one to date.
Not Lee focused, but there had to be some development for Lee's lost friend.

Have a Happy New Year, everybody!

Note: I based the Changeling's current situation after what happened in the comics. Look it up if you want a bit more info.

Fenrir's Lament.

He was still nursing the burns as he limped through the frozen wastes. He still thought back to his fiery descent from the Crystal Empire's great rocket. So many things went wrong during the operation. It was such a simple plot. Go in, get the Crystal Heart, get out without causing a ruckus, yet he still managed to muck it up. Now that Gogurt thought back to it, he was strangely complacent with aiding a villain in the takeover of a peaceful nation.

Peaceful, sure. That's not what the painful magic currents still arcing through his body said.

Gogurt attempted to peer through the clawing, blinding blizzards to find some place of respite for his wounded body. He put a hand to his side and felt the sticky dampness of blood oozing from an open wound; a piece hard plastic from the rocket had gotten lodged below his ribs. The fall had not been kind to him. Most of his ribs were either bruised or broken, he was pierced on his left side, and he was certain a bone in his leg had fractured. The only parts working were his arms, left leg, and mental health, but now even he was starting to doubt the wellness of it.

Upon snowy impact, Gogurt had fallen unconscious for possibly days, and encountered a strange dream. Visions of shifting cities bearing impossible shapes, incoherent cries of insanity, majestic alicorns entering battle, the whispering book... none of it made any sense to him at all. What also made no sense was how he survived the cold while he was knocked out. Probably something to do with the book, but it would not be out of love or compassion, only for the sick pleasure of putting him through more and more misfortune.

None of that changed the fact that he failed. He failed the mission, his friends would pay the price, and he would die in some foreign, icy Hell away from all of his friends and family.

Friends and family...

Gogurt never had a single moment to think of them. He had been too busy running, hiding, doing some queen's work, and becoming a flaming meteor due to some fireworks. Now that he could think about his former life, he realized how much he missed it all. He missed home. He wanted to go home. He was tired of all this, he wanted to go back home... home, where ponies were butt-ugly and didn't talk, back where everything made sense.

Oh? A tear? It appears the memories of home have brought some moisture to Gogurt's eyes.

Gogurt stops his march through the snow once more to search for any shelter. As luck would have it, he spotted a dark opening in the elevated ground about twenty feet away. The opening wasn't large, but it had more than enough space to provide a bulwark against the whipping winds.

The weary human quickly trudged against the blasting colds to reach the shelter. He collapsed onto the rocky floor and immediately felt relief from the incredibly low temperatures. He actually felt... warm.

The warmth seemed to emanate from the back of the grotto. Gogurt shifted his body to the heat's direction. To his surprise, he saw that the heat had been pouring from a round hole in the caves's wall. It wasn't too small, just large enough for Gogurt to crawl through. The wise decision would have been to dismiss it at as a simple hole and sleep in the peculiar warmth, and that was what he decided to do.

Gogurt turned away, lied on his back and closed his eyes to receive some much needed rest. Of course, the hole now gnawed at his mind. Why would there be a small hole blasting heat in such a small cave? Where did the hole lead to? Would venturing down the hole only prove to find some molten lake, home to a gruesome beast of fire?

The curiousness was too much. He promptly rose and crept towards the hole. What would it matter if he found something that hungered for his flesh? He would just fall to another evil in the frozen wild anyways.

Gogurt grits his teeth and begins his crawl through the opening... "Down the rabbit hole I go."

... before he slips and slides into a steamy, bumpy tunnel.

He grunts and groans as he tumbles down the slick shaft to who knows where. The human would have cursed aloud but found no point. Gogurt had simply given up! Whatever darkness the hole carried him to was welcomed. Why not? Why not be torn to pieces by some hideous monster? What did it matter?

Finally, the slippery tunnel ends its course. Gogurt flies out of the tunnel and enters a vast cavern, nearly as gargantuan as the one he had encountered the dragon in. The main difference was that it deposited him through the top of the ceiling, meaning the ground would shatter every bone in his body.

Except that he landed in a delightfully heated pool of water.

Gogurt's falling form results in an eruption of steaming liquid. It was good fortune that the subterranean pool was quite deep, preventing his excruciatingly painful death. He swiftly swims to the surface of the pool for a gasp of precious oxygen. Gogurt eyes the edge of the lake and paddles for the dry ground.

Gogurt drags himself ashore and flops against the muddy ground, sucking in huge breaths as his body remembers that it is horribly injured. Gogurt sits up and takes stock of his surroundings.

The cavern was a beautiful, hidden oasis. Various, thriving species of vegetation sprouted around the shallows. Fat, juicy, and strange kinds of fruits hung off of vines and vividly colored flowers. The steaming water itself was a light tint of a lovely, luminescent, rose color that provided lighting for the cave. Hopefully the luminescence was just magic and not some horribly deadly radiation that would end his existence from the exposure.

Gogurt absorbs the cave's lush radiance with a raised eyebrow and a frown. Then that frown gave way, "Heh... heheheh.. HA.... HAHA-HA-HA! HAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!" to a mad cackle signalling his possible lunacy. "Of aaaaaaaall the Hells to destroy me, it's this!"

Gogurt sweeps his arms in a wide berth, "C'mon out! Poison me, eat me, kill me, END ME! Show me the daaaaaark boogieman hiding in this paradise! Where are ya?!"

"GRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!"

The lake explodes as an enormous white geist rushes from the depths and lands opposite the ludicrous human. The abstract whiteness takes the form of a fearsome, scaled dragon head and prepares to unleash another bestial roar, but what comes is a pained fit of coughing. The giant head collapses on itself and assumes a large shape of an angry, white wolf.

"WHAT INSIGNIFICANT BEING DARES TO INTRUDE ON MY GROTTO?!?!"

The human smiles and raises a trembling hand, "Hey, I sorta fell in here. You can just call me Gogurt. So, how are you going to kill me today?"

The wolf snarls and looms over Gogurt as strange, plated scales began to form over its body, "FIRST, I will fill your body with frozen daggers. THEN, I will flay you alive, and FINALLY, I WILL CONSU—kragh, agh!" the wolf turns away to engage in another bout of throaty wheezing.

Gogurt frowns and tilts his head to the size, "You alright, bro?"

The beast growls and gives the question an evil-eye, "ARGH...!... what's the point." his plated scales disappear as the wolf hangs his head low, and wades back into the lake. "I don't even have enough power left to take down so much as a rabbit!"

The perplexed human watches the glum wolf lazily paddle in the heated waters, "Okay, now I'm curious. Who and what the Hell are you?"

The wolf snorts, sending a spray of steam Gogurt's way, "Why should I tell you?"

"You have anything better to do? Because it looks like you're about to off yourself."

The wolf's ear twitches at Gogurt's bluntness, before he splashes ashore, "Aye... there isn't much to do in this prison."

Gogurt notices the way the wolf spits as he says, 'prison', "Prison? How? Look at this place, it's awesome!"

The wolf grunts, "I say prison because..." he turns, opens his mouth, and snaps at the air above his neck. The wolf's teeth clashes against the sudden appearance of a taut, spectral chain bound to his neck. "I cannot leave this grotto, and I haven't in something beyond a millenia... ugh, how I languish in this rose-colored cell."

Gogurt leans over and attempts to touch the wolf. His hands simply pass through with a chilled feeling upon entering, "Still haven't answered my question."

"Hasty, mortal?" the wolf cackles to stifle a cough. The strange specter lies down next to Gogurt, "I have been given many names and titles in my years on this plane. Since my true name would be quite impossible to pronounce in your tongue, I will give you the name I am partial to. They call me Fenrir."

"Fenrir? Okay, makes sense, 'cause you're a wolf." the human ponders the name, remembering that the title held roots in Norse mythology.

"Actually favored my true form is of a single-horned drake... but I used this wolf shape because it's a good bit easier to travel silently this way." Fenrir's volume increases as he gets into the story, "I ruled this frozen waste for eons past, only letting the most enduring of lifeforms survive. Only the strongest survive in my domain! That is the ultimate standard! I am the incarnation of ice itself, not like those inferior, weakling-Windigos!"

"And why are you chained to some heated pool below the ground?"

Fenrir flinches and slumps, "Agh, that... well, like I stated, I am ice's incarnation. Fenrir, the terrible tyrant who reins over the harsh colds..! And, as cold does, it spread. My domain's power grew, and grew, expanding influence over the land they now call Equestria... those new ponies didn't take to that too well."

Gogurt smirks, "Lemme guess... some pretty-Princesses got involved?"

Fenrir growls, "Yes... those ponies informed the new Princesses of my harsh wastelands and the dangers it would cause to their lives."

"Did you want that 'danger' to happen?"

"If it did, it did. My ice is absolute. If you can't survive, you die, it is life. Then they had the audacity to oppose the rule, by actually trying to slay me."

"I suppose that didn't much to harm you?" Gogurt suggests.

Fenrir shakes his head, "No, but they murdered my young in my sleep."

The human instantly blanches, "Uh..."

"From that point on, I devoted my existence to razing their settlements. They committed the ultimate crime, and now they must pay the price. Then the Princesses arrived, and demanded that I cease. Of course, I paid no heed to their decrees. Who are they to order me in my doman..?...yet, they still lowed me with those Elements. They assumed that the Elements of Harmony were an instant stoning, but I still moved, no matter the fact that I was then weaker than a cub.

"The two Princesses realized that I would not fall so easily, and that my being was necessary for the frost in this land to persist enough for the lesser animals to survive. They created this 'comfortable' grotto with their Alicorn Magic, and bound me to the pool, repressing my power... and now I sit here for years upon decades upon centuries... and now, I know for sure that I am dying. I've languished, destitute, unable to exert my influence in this cushioned cage for far too long. Soon, I will cease to breathe, and die, bitter, with vengeance on my lips..."

Fenrir grimly chuckles and looks to the opening in the cavern's top, "Gogurt, what a strange name, and an even stranger being surrounded by an even stranger evil. You seem more like a monster than I do..!"

Gogurt shifts uncomfortably at the mention of his appearance. Even ice demons saw it. "Anyhooow, I suppose it's only fair that I tell you who and what the Hell I am."

The human recounts his intrepid tale of wonder and misfortune to the demon. By the end of the story, even Fenrir was surprised by the sheer unluckiness.

"... so here I am, stuck in a cave with a snow dragon-wolf thing, while my friends are gonna be leeched on for years until they're a used-up husk. Sorta like what's happening to you! At least I'm gonna die next to an awesome ice-demon."

Fenrir stares at Gogurt with an odd curiosity. "So.... do you still want to liberate your friends from the Insect-Queen?"

Gogurt snorts, "It'd be pretty damn nice if I didn't die here too!"

"Well.... there's a way for you to leave this jail with the power to free your pegasus and raptor, if you're willing." Fenrir snickers and begins to stalk around the human seated on the shore.

Gogurt grimaces in annoyance, "Gonna quit dickin' around and tell me already?"

"Yes!" Fenrir plops his haunches down in front of Gogurt. "It's quite simple really. You absorb my soul into your body. You become able to summon my powers at will, and I won't perish! Once I become your weapon, these chains will hold nothing but air, and I will aid in your escape!"

Gogurt stands and turns to the wolf, "Okay, why exactly did you not think about doing this before to some other idiot?"

"Because not even an idiot wanders this far into the cold..."

"Oh.." Gogurt shrugs.

"Besides," Fenrir reasons with a sly smile, "I am not keen on becoming some insignificant pony's tool... you however, are perfect! That darkness, that monstrous presence which I can't quite explain... we'll get along just fine."

"Hmm, you provide good points, I am pretty awesome, but wait," Gogurt squints, "you aren't a demon right? I mean, performing a demonic ritual is sorta against my M.O..."

"No! I'm not some Tartarus demon! I'm like a... half-metaphysical-being. Which is why I can even do something like this."

"Oh, alright, then. Go ahead, come on in!"

"Yes..." Fenrir's form disperses into a white fog, "by the way, this idea is pure theory. The results could rip us to pieces."

"What?"

"Nothing."

With that, Fenrir's fog enters Gogurt's eyes, mouth and ears like a rushing torrent. Gogurt falls to the floor, gargling and flailing uncontrollably as both of the beings shriek in unimaginable pain.

It seems like hours before the seizures finally end. Gogurt shakily rises to his feet and notices that something is off. He looks at his hands to see they were covered in white, scaly plates pack tightly over black, beady skin. His fingers and knuckles ended in enlarged, sharpened claws. He traces the the claws down his forearm to see that the strange, textured plates ends at his elbows in a series of large, hollow spines. Gogurt glances down and sees his feet were in the same situation. Black skin, hard plates, bony, clawed toes, all ending at the knees in hollow spines.

He pats himself down to make certain the strange transformation had began nowhere else, and sure enough, it was only at his hands and feet. He also noticed that all his wounds had been miraculously healed.

"So... what the heck kinda weapon is this?"

Gogurt scratches his chin, and glances at a nearby boulder. "Hmm..."

He closes his fist, brings it back, and slams the clenched claws into the rock. Azure fire blasts from the hollow spines, propelling his fist at insane speeds. The helpless boulder is obliterated into dusty bits!

"Oh!"

Gogurt turns around and charges at a tree, fifteen-feet away. The spines on the knees spouts flames, expediating the journey to half a second. He whip kicks the tree across the middle, snapping it while emitting a wave of cold energy, freezing anything in its path.

"OH!!!!!"

"Now," Fenrir whispers in his mind, "let me show you how to exit this accursed cell."

Gogurt disappears in a whirl of snow, and reappears halfway up the cave. He looks down to see the nonexistant floor, "Oh, like that helps—"

Fenrir blinks him away once more in a similar remnant of frost, and he reappears in the tunnel.

The human gazes at the gauntlets and greaves, "So, how do I make these go away?"

"Ah. Just, will it away, I suppose."

The weapons melt away, revealing his good ol' human arms and legs.

Gogurt cackles to himself as he realized the implications of the new abilities, "I'm comin' after you first, Glory-Hole Queen!"

There he goes, on his way to his friend's rescue, armed to the literal teeth with impossible powers and abilities that could only have been achievable in dreams. An ancient entity as his ally, wracked with fury and strength. Powers so wonderful that they could freeze or shatter any obstacle in his way, powers so wonderful that it could give this boy a chance in this strange world.

Could he have ever known that such power would only lead to ruin?

Author's Note

Yup, one of the humans won't die of some horrible evil so easily anymore. Don't worry, he won't become some overpowered red and black OC alicorn or nothing.

My Little Date! Moe! Kawaii! Tsundere! Desu! Desu! Desu! Desuasdfjlkjkwnewjdlfauwoefh...

I'm gonna make soooooooooooooooo many people mad one day.

"This is wrong. Really, really, wrong."

"Lee, don't you think you're reacting the wrong way?"

"No, Twili-cunt. This is wrong and stupid beyoooond measure. You don't even know..."

"How?" Twilight gestures to the window and the passing landscape below the drifting zeppelin, "You're on an all-expense paid trip for Manehatten to be on an actual game show that's gonna be viewed all over Equestria! Most ponies would kill for this type of thing!"

Lee slowly shakes his head, "You aren't seeing the f*cking problem..."

"Then what is the problem!"

"The problem..." Lee leans over and grabs Twilight by the shoulders, "... is that it's BESTIALITY DAMMIT!"

SOME TIME THAT MORNING....

A dragon's scaly feet pitter-pattered its way across the wooded floor of Golden Oaks Library. Clutched in his hands was a very official letter not addressed to the very important princess residing in the library, but rather to the strange, new, bipedal occupant named Lee.

"Lee! You got something in the mail!"

With the sound of rushing air and shaking shelves, Lee leaped off of the bookcase he had perched upon and slammed heavily upon the wooden floor before Spike, inciting much pain from the impact. Of course, Lee did not care, because he looked quite cool during the act. "What was that, L'il Nig?"

Spike responds by handing Lee the letter in question. Lee peers at the envelope's the return address to see that it was from Manehattan, which he realized was a stupid pun off of Manhattan but he decided not to question it because that was a story for another day. There seemed to be some other text in minuscule writing at the lower left side, but he ignored it for now. Lee tears the envelope open and pulls out the cherry-colored contents. He unfolded the paper and was immediately hit with the overly sweet scent of women's perfume which he would now dub as, "whore-musk".

"Congratulations, Lee-chan~! You've been chosen as the last contestant for the world famous dating show MY LITTLE DATE: CHERRY BLOSSOMS WANING OVER THE CRESCENT SPRINGTIME MOON~! By opening this letter, you agreed to all the terms and conditions, meaning that you will be required to take part in the show or face heavy lawyering. This was all specified on the front of the letter in text on the bottom left. The magic on the opened letter gives us immediate notification, so don't try to run! Use the enclosed zeppelin tickets for Manehattan to take two other guests. You better run, the zeppelin leaves at 9 AM!

"Wait... what the Hell... 9 AM?"

A purple glow envelops the red letter in Lee's hands and slips it towards a certain Twilicorn who caught ear of the show's name. She skimmed the letter with a growing smile, "Wow! This is amazing that MY LITTLE DATE: CHERRY BLOSSOMS WANING OVER THE CRESCENT SPRINGTIME MOON~! finally picked their first non-pony contestant, and its you, no less!."

"Hold up, I'm still—"

*BANG BANG BANG* goes the door.

"Got it!" Spike says as he plods to the door. He twists the doorknob with a soft click and opens the gate, "Welcome to Golden Oaks Libr—grah!" before being overwhelmed by a flood of flashing lights.

The head of a brown stallion touting a camera forces its way through the opening. His greedy eyes scanned the abode until it found the human. "Mr. Newsom! How does it feel to be the first non equine to contest on... GET OFFA ME YA CHANNEL 8 DOLTS, HE'S MINE!" the photographer bucked a gray reporter Pegasus who had been attempting to squeeze by, sending the stallion sailing off, only to be replaced by a scowling, magic-ready unicorn mare carrying a tape recorder.

"Oh no you don't, no Channel Five dirt pony's takin' our interview! Channel One isn't gonna lose to some two-bit station!"

"You better think again!" shouts a yellow earth pony mare boasting a microphone, galloping towards the Channel One Reporter. She charges with her head lowered, ramming the unicorn yards away. She looks up at the gaping Channel Five stallion with a devil-may-care smile, "Miss me, Channel Five?"

Channel Five stutters and blinks wildly, "Ch-ch-channel Two? But I thought our partnership after the disaster at Presscon 2013 ended?"

Channel Two giggles, "As if we'd ever forget the good times Channel 5 brought? We're friends to the end..." she looks away and blushes, "maybe even more..."

Channel Five sighs and assumes a wide, open-mouth smile. "Oh, Channel Two's Hot Scoop, I didn't know you felt that way."

"Channel Five's Quick Quote," Channel Two's Hot Scoop eyes glimmer with tears of joy, "I've always felt this way!"

However, before the two could embrace in a love-charged grip, a green aura envelops Channel Two, picks her up, and chucks her into town while she carried a heartbroken scream. The green unicorn culprit carrying the large video camera saunters into view, smirking in victory.

Tears streamed from Channel Five's eyes as he howled, "CHAAAAANNNEL TWOOOOOO!!!!" he blinks away the tears and focuses his growing rage upon the green unicorn, "Channel Three, you heartless mother-bucker... I'LL END YOU!!!!" the berserk stallion launches himself onto the unicorn, and joins the frenzy as countless other reporters claw and tear at each other to interview the human.

In mere seconds, Twilight Sparkle's property evolved into a frenzied battle royale, filled with flashing cameras and ramming News Vans, over the prize of journalistic honor and possibly love.

Spike rises from the ground, and slams the door shut. He rubs the afterimages from the lights out of his eyes and groans, "Lee, I think it's for you."

PRESENT TIME.

"Bestiality?" Twilight raises an eyebrow in question.

Lee sighs, "Yeeeeeeeees, damn it. Bestiality: f*cking beasts."

Twilight shifts on the cushioned seat towards the sleeping Spike, "Beasts? You mean like dragons or manticores..?"

"You know what? I'm just gonna shut up." Lee pinches the bridge of his nose and snorts, "It's probably completely normal here to f*ck whatever has a hole. I mean, why else wouldn't you tell L'il Nig that his crush is an abomination against nature? Anyways, when are we gonna get to that sad excuse of an enterprising city? I'm gettin outta this sh*t as soon as possible... I ain't sexin' no horse."

Twilight frowns, "You do know that the letter said that you're legally bound to contest in the show, correct?"

Lee snorts, "Whatever, I don't believe in lawyers anyway."

Twilight can only roll her eyes at his strange beliefs, knowing that whatever logic she uses will just be bounded back to her through sheer ridiculousness.

The intercom placed in the corner of the cabin cracked as the pilot made an announcement, "Arriving at drop off shortly. Passengers, please exit your cabin and rendezvous at the lobby. You will be met with further instructions from that point on."

Lee cracks his knuckles and rises from the seat. "About f*cking time they tell us something or actually let us go anywhere."

Twilight gently jostles Spike awake, places him on her back, and gets to her hooves as well, "It is a bit strange, isn't it? The whole time we've been here, we weren't allowed to wander much farther than the restroom, and there are only five or six other passengers aboard. Weird, considering the size of this zeppelin..."

The trio exit the cabin and traverse down the long, red, carpeted hallway. As the party walked, they noticed how eerily quiet it was. Yes, there was the faint tune of some radio station playing, but the sound only sank into silence along with the buzzing or wooshing of the wind. This was a dead silence. The sound of no other living being other than the three. Now they couldn't help but be filled with a foreboding feeling that accompanied their minds whenever something weird was about to happen.

They finally reach the mahogany door at the end of the hall.

Lee twists the doorknob, "Let's do this sh*t." and throws the door open to see a blast of flashing pink lights intermingled with generic, Japanese-pop music.

"LEE CHAN IS HERE~!" coos a female voice with a horribly forced Japanese accent. Sure, Stringy Linguini (from some time ago) may have had a forced accent, but good God, this was bad.

"Oh, what the—"

While Lee and company reeled from the display, a set of hooves picked Lee up, and carried him across the lobby. The hooves drop him onto a metal platform and retreat to a safe distance.

Lee stands and slowly opens his eyes now that the flashing has stopped. He was in the lobby, for sure. Same circular room, same red carpet, same padded furniture, same gaudy crystal chandelier, it was all the same except for the five new ponies also standing on metal platforms.

"Just what the Hell is going on?!" Lee shouts to the surrounding ponies.

"Lee-chan~, please don't use shouting, it isn't moe~!" the ponies and Lee looked up to see the source of the voice: a sleek, snow-white, earth pony mare with a pink, bobbed manecut and a long, curled tail, both of which were streaked with red highlights. She wore a cherry-red Japanese schoolgirl uniform covered in hearts and butterflies. She was sliding down a steel pole that lowered from the ceiling as she winked at everyone with her pink eyes and unnatural speed.

Spike grimaced at her dancing form, "Twilight, it's hurting my eyes..."

Twilight, however, gasped and clapped her hooves, "It's the host of MY LITTLE DATE: CHERRY BLOSSOMS WANING OVER THE CRESCENT SPRINGTIME MOON~!, Strawberry Cure! She successfully set up strong couples on this show every time, without fail! Her mastery over love even netted her an award from Cadence!"

Lee nearly vomits at the sight, "It's a damn monster is what it is..."

"Konichiwa, everypony!" Strawberry Cure croons with a wave of her hoof, "I'm your super-kawaii~ host, Strawberry Cure! And this is, MY LITTLE DATE: CHERRY BLOSSOMS WANING OVER THE CRESCENT SPRINGTIME MOON~!"

"Wait," asks a nervous white, earth pony stallion with a sweeped, brown mane and blue eyes. On his flank was a cutie mark of a megaphone. "I thought that the show was back in Manehattan?"

Strawberry Cure pouts, "Oh, Barro-san, love is always a surprise, so it only makes sense that MY LITTLE DATE: CHERRY BLOSSOMS WANING OVER THE CRESCENT SPRINGTIME MOON~! always is a surprise~! Go ahead and introduce yourselves!"

A pink spotlight shines on a red pegasus stallion with a short orange mane and flame as a cutie mark. The pegasus flares his nostrils and wings, "I AM FIREBLAZE!!!!!!! I'M GONNA BLAZE THROUGH THIS GAME SHOW WITH MY FIERY SPIRIT!!!" the room goes silent at his sudden outburst. "Um... blaze?" yet awkward silence persisted.

"Teeheeheeheeheeeheeheehee!" the spotlight shifts to the giggler: a dark purple pegasus with a bluish-purple mane tied into a short ponytail. Her cutie mark appeared to be three dark blue stars. "You see, uh, I was trying to break the tension by... uh... well, you see what I tried to do.. I'm Starlight Shadow?"

Spike nudges Twilight, "Hey, doncha think she reminds you of, well, you? Except in Pegasus form?"

Twilight raises an eyebrow, "What're you talking about?"

Spike began to number off traits on his claws, "Well, she's colored like you, her mark is similar to yours, even her name, Starlight Shadow, reminds me of yours, Twilight Sparkle. You see?" Twilight responds with a very tired sigh, and closes her eyes.

Spike curls his lip and points at Starlight Shadow, "Are we seriously just gonna ignore this?"

The spotlight swivels to a charcoal grey earth pony mare with a black mane. Her mark appeared to be poker chips before a deck of cards. Taped to her side was the name, 'Ace Five'. She appeared to be... pawing... at a stuffed mouse toy with her haunches high in the air, as if she were a kitten. She rolled onto her back, mewled, and scratched at her ears with her hind legs. Everyone seemed really confused.

Lee looks at Cure with a blank expression, "Why is she acting like a cat?" Strawberry Cure only shrugs. "Well, I gotta admit that it's f*cking cute. Rock on."

The pink beam moves from Ace Five to a light gray unicorn with a spiky-curled, crimson mane. Her cutie mark was an orb of crimson fire filled with three 'Z's. She cleared her throat to speak, but...

"Why is there a toilet paper roll on your head?"

As Lee stated, there was in fact a toilet paper roll covering the unicorn's horn. She gestures to it with a hoof, "Oh, that's my horncap. You see, I occasionally have magical surges that I can't control, so I wear a horncap to—"

"But that's a toilet paper roll."

"Yes, uh, I accidentally left my cap at home and... I figured I could Placebo Effect myself if I had something to cover it up. Anyways, I am Florarena Crimsonflame. I'm a defense lawyer. I special—"

"CRIMSONFLAME?!" Fireblaze exclaims, "Blaze... Crimsonflame... CRIMSONBLAZE FOR THE WIN!!!!!!!"

Florarena looks away, "Oh no..."

The light pans to Lee, where he promptly says, "F*ck off."

So it drifts to the last contestant, a blue unicorn with a white mane and tail, and a cloud as a cutie mark. He immediately snorts, "Oh, right, that toilet paper roll reaally oughta work. And somepony who knows how to read and adhere to schedules acts like a cat, suuuure that makes sense! Ooooh. I'm Silver Lining, and I definitely would love to get with these totally normal mares. Whoopee."

Lee rolls his eyes, "Oh God, it's one of those guys. I'm gonna need that lawyer if he talks like that to me..."

The spotlight switches off, signalling the end of introductions with a fanfare of more, crappy J-pop music.

Barro raises a hoof, noticing that the spotlight completely ignored him, "Um, you forgot—"

"—Okay, Pony-chans~," Strawberry Cure cheers, "now that the introductions are over, it's time to start the first love~love~ challenge!"

Lee raises a hand, "Uh, I actually don't want to be a part of this."

Strawberry Cure giggles like a schoolgirl, "Oh, Lee-senpai~, you joke so much! Of course you wanna be a part of this! If you accidentally opened the letter, you could have ripped up the tickets and ended it right there, like it said on the tickets themselves!"

Lee's jaw drops in disbelief. "I really need to read more..."

"The first love~love~challenge," Strawberry announces with a twist around the pole, "is an Embracing-Free-Fall!"

Starlight raises a hoof, "Ignoring the obvious fact that this sounds completely dangerous, where are we supposed to be diving off?"

Strawberry Cure winks, "Right here, just look at what you're standing on~!"

Lee peers at the metal platform he stood on. He takes a deep breath, and remembers his incredible fear of heights. "Oh, f*ck my ass."

Author's Note

Yup, it's gonna be a multi-parter. And yup, I took some of the OCs to the extreme end of their given personality. It's all in jest.

Here are the users who provided the OCs

BarroBroadcaster as Barro himself. He is writing Dan Vs the Magic of Friendship.
Florarena Crimsonflame as Florarena Crimsonflame.
Fireblaze as Fireblaze
Starlight Shadow as Starlight Shadow
Ace Five is from Nova Blast (he gave me the personality as playful, so I decided to have a little fun with it.)
Silver Lining is from the silver-maned pony

Thanks so much for letting me use your OCs!

This is gonna be awesome.

I Hate These Ponies So Much

*Click*

Lee grasps at the mysterious harness latched upon his back by the quick set of hooves from before. He looks up to see that the same equipment has been strapped to Silver Lining and Ace Five. Upon getting full view of the packs on the others, he realizes that a parachute has been attached to his back.

Strawberry Cure leaps off of her platform and prances around the lobby, "The Embracing-Free-Fall is the ultimate trust fall of love~! As you can see, only three of you have been fitted with Love-Chutes."

Silver Lining snorts, "Love Chutes... of course. And why only three? It's not like you ran out of chutes or anything. At this rate, we're gonna have to share the chutes."

The host sashays by him and winks, "So sharp, Gin-san!"

Silver raises an eyebrow, "What the heck does Gin mean?"

"It means silver or some sh*t like that." Everypony glances at Lee, a little confused by his tidbit of knowledge, "Yeah my friend watches anime on the occasion so... wait what the f*ck, are we really sharing parachutes?"

Cure sticks out her tongue, "Hai, Lee-chan~! Before the floor beneath collapses, you must all find one partner to share a loving embrace with on the fall to the next challenge! If you take more than one, than the chute will burst!" she squees at this point, "How kawaii~!"

"SO KAWAII!!!" Fireblaze shouts with unappreciated enthusiasm.

"But that's incredibly unsafe! What if someone slips, or doesn't make it in time!" Barro argued.

"Excuse me," Florarena says from across the lobby, "none of this can be legal. Such actions would require a liability waver oro other—"

"—Flora-senpai, legal issues aren't moe at all!" Cure interrupts in the painfully high-pitched and racist accent, "And all's fair in love and war. Get ready to start picking love-partners~!"

Starlight Shadow blushes and looks away, "We have to pair off and find love-partners already..? Oh my, I didn't expect this game show to be so... encouraging..!"

Silver snorts (again), "Encouraging, yeah, that's the word..."

Lee raises his hand with a placid expression, "Okay, what if I don't want to do this because I NEVER WANTED TO BE ON HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?! WHAT KINDA BULLSH*T IS THIS? I already don't even like most of the horses here!" Lee points to Fireblaze, "You got the overexcited, possible rapist," he moves the finger to Florarena, "some idiotic lawyer who prances around with bathroom utilities on her horn," to Silver Lining, "the sarcastic-dick who's gonna choke on his own douchebaggery... and probably is popular with women for it," to Starlight, "The Twilicorn ripoff who's a closet nympho—"

Starlight doubletakes, "I am not a nymphomani—"

"—B*TCH, I know one when I see one! Anyways..." he gestures to Ace Five who was adorably playing with her parachute straps, "we got some mental patient who really shouldn't be here. Seriously, do you not screen whatever clown you pick for this live-orgy? And finally, we have.." Lee falters upon reaching Barro.

Barro simply smiles and nods, "Yes, yes? What am I? Go on, I can take a roast!"

Lee lowers his finger and shrugs, "I got nothin'. You're actually the only normal personality I've seen since I arrived in Pony-Communist-Land."

Barro frowns and sighs, "Ugh! Everyone always says that! 'Oh, Barro, you're so chill.' Normal? No one cares about normal."

"Dude," Spike calls from the back of the lobby, "Coming from Lee, I'd take that as a compliment and—Twilight why are you eating popcorn?"

Twilight swallows a gulp of the buttery, "What better way to enjoy a show than with popcorn! I got some chocolate-covered-pretzels from the snack cart too, want some?"

"Twilight, when did we switch roles?"

Crappy JPop and JRock music begins to blare once more, halting all conversation.

Strawberry Cure claps her hooves and pulls out a remote control from under her skirt, causing many to ask Oh God, where did that come from, "It's time to pick your love-partners~! Once I press the button, the floor will open in sixty seconds, giving you only a minute to pick your partners, desu~!" she slams her hoof down on one of the buttons, "Let's love—uh oh."

The music abruptly stops as the atmosphere thickens with a grave silence.

Cure scratches the back of her head, "Gomen, everypony, it seems I accidentally hit the ten second button, so you better find a partner quick! Heh heh..."

The obnoxious music returns as a panic overtakes the contestants.

"WHO THE HELL MAKES THAT KIND OF F*CKING ACCIDENT?!?!"

Starlight meeps, flaps her wings, and swoops onto Silver Lining, effectively taking her place.

Silver coughs over a mouthful of feathers, and floats her upright with the grasp of his magic, "Well that's one way of communicating."

Fireblaze flares his Pegasi devices and points himself towards the meowing Ace Five, "I WILL SURVIVE!" he launches himself at a speed high enough to impress the Wonderbolts, only if he didn't completely miss his target and slam, headfirst, into Strawberry Cure's pole. Red feathers scattered from his bruised wings as he painfully slid down the pole with an, "Blaze....."

Florarena calmly walks to Fireblaze's intended target and places a hoof on Ace's nose, "Hm, I suppose I'm paired with a cat."

Barro erratically twists his head this way and that, "Oh, come on, come on, someone has to have a..." and quickly realizes that Lee is the only available love-partner left.

Lee opens his arms, "Come on, love~partner..."

Barro hangs his head low as he walks to Lee's side, "Guys back home are gonna love this..."

However, as Barro reached to Lee, he remembered a very important reality: time did not wait for anyone to make cool or witty lines. In other words, the floor immediately receded into nothingness below them, exposing the minuscule but many city lights of Manehatten.

Lee gasps, "OH, FUU—"

It was also at that moment that Lee recalled that gravity also did not pause for any hero to curse or bellow. In other words, they immediately fell.

Barro tumbles in the rushing air in a strained attempt to grab onto one of Lee's flailing appendages, "I can't reach!"

"Use that tumor growin' out of your head, jackass!"

"Oh, I have that, right."

Barro's horn glows a light blue as he surrounds his body in his magic, and levitates himself to Lee. He grabs onto his midsection and yells over the whipping winds, "Quick, pull the cord!"

Lee grips onto the dual green cords and bellows, "TURN DOWN FOR WHAT?!?!" before sharply yanking the straps a might too hard, causing them to snap into pieces and no parachute as a result. "Turn down for that..."

Lee and Barro watch as the other's heart-shaped parachutes blossom from their packs in disgustingly sweet heart shapes. This was when Lee and Barro realized that they were going to splatter on the Manehattan streets and that the last thing ponies would remember them for was pairing up in a dating show, screaming obscenities to the unforgiving gravity.

Their screaming slowly waned as two pairs of hooves slowed their terrifying fall into a relaxing descent. The two take a look at the culprits: Pegasi wearing black unitards extending over their faces, leaving their wing as the sole exposure.

Strawberry Cure swoops by, dancing precariously on the thin bar of a hang-glider, "Don't worry, Barro-chan, Lee-senpai, MY LITTLE DATE: CHERRY BLOSSOMS WANING OVER THE CRESCENT SPRINGTIME MOON~! wouldn't be any fun if you got hurt before the real moe games!"

"I hate you." Lee says with the utmost sincerity, "I hate you ponies, so much."

Cure giggles, and directs the pegasi to carry the duo to a strange, hot pink, open air dome in the middle of the city. The fliers nosedive towards the target, entering the dome at hazardous speeds, but quickly pull up, and softly drops the two off onto the ground.

Barro lets go of Lee, and his jaw drops at the spread enclosed in the pink dome scattered with cameras: convoluted obstacles courses, caged manticores, a rather long lazy-river covered in rose petals, a bloodied butcher sharpening a knife at a buffet counter, and for some odd reason, a table covered with strange, orange, rudimentary dolls with dull expressions.

Lee shakes his head with a growing grimace, "What kind of f*cking game is this..."

Strawberry Cure expertly drops from her hang glider, while pushing down her skirt to hide the nonexistent panties with a wink and smile, "It's a love game! Whoever doesn't persevere enough to find love, like Fireblaze-san, is eliminated!"

"Wait, is that what happened to Fireblaze?" Florarena appears before Strawberry Cure with a flash of magic, "He was... 'eliminated'?"

Strawberry nods with that sickly-sweet smile, "Hai! He was eliminated!"

Lee raises an eyebrow at her concern, "Why do you care? Did you want his 'D' or something?"

Florarena pulls a face and shakes her head vigorously, "No, no, it's not that. You see, his name also had some form of fire in it and... look, there's just this whole thing with ponies that share fire in their names and, well... you're not really supposed to explain it to outsiders."

"Outsiders?" Barro asks with incredulity, "Is there some sort of club for people with similar names?"

"No! Well, almost... look, it doesn't make sense if you don't already get it, but that's not important right now. What is important is the legality of that challenge. We weren't given any prior knowledge of such extreme challenges, nor were there any chances to refuse them and simply drop out. Did you even get any clearances from the Princesses to hold such challenges?"

For but a split second, Strawberry Cure's cutesy expression broke and faltered into what looked like pure rage, but was quickly replaced with her previous face, "Oh, Flora-chan, such boring legalities are unimportant when dealing with love!"

Apparently it wasn't deemed important because what was deemed important was the God-awful JPop and JRock that once again decided to rape the eardrums of the contestants.

Strawberry Cure squees and ahns (the somewhat racist sound Japanese females emit when aroused... just read the To Love Ru manga, you'll see... actually, don't read it, it's not worth it.) "It's time for the next love~love~challenge!"

Silver Lining strolls by with Starlight Shadow following uncomfortably close behind, takes a large breath, and snorts, "Of course, that makes sense. Don't give us any time to rest after that very safe and not at all," he stops to snort here, "life-threatening challenge we just took."

"Ahn! Gin-san, you're sharp tongue hurts so much!" Cure pouts with enough forced cuteness to make minotaur gag, "But love waits for no one! And neither do love~love~challenges. So the next challenge is......" the dome goes dark as the pink spotlight scans the area, and stops at the ominous lengthy lazy-river covered in petals. "A Lover's Paddle!"

Starlight blushes. Well, she's sorta been blushing the entire time, it's just that she somehow forced even more blood into her cheeks. Her face cheeks. Not the butt kind. "A L-l-lover's P-p-paddle? Wow... so.." to Silver's disgust, she grips him around the hoof, "...romantic."

Silver Lining shivers and brushes her off (while snorting), "Wow, you really are a closet nympho."

"Now call me spit on me and call me scum!"

"What?"

"Nothing. Tee hee!"

"To mix things up," Cure croons as she struts to the river, "the partners are going to be swapped! Now, let's carry on to the love~paddlers!"

The six contestants stood atop the floating platforms in pairs on the lazy river, armed with a simple paddle each. Lee and the literally cat-like Ace Five were on one, as was Silver and Florarena, and lastly, Barro and the Twilicorn-like Starlight Shadow.

"The objective is simple!" Strawberry Cure sings from the sidelines in a cherry red cheerleader outfit that she inexplicably changed into when everypony's backs were turned for a mere second, "The team who can't prove their ultra-kawaii love by finishing last is eliminated! Kyaaaaaa, so moe!"

Florarena raises an eyebrow at the paddle, "Hm... seems a bit normal compared to the last, hardly legal challenge."

Silver snorts snort snort... "Wow, I think I might already be rubbing off on you. We must be meant for each other!"

Florarena ignores this and continues, "And it frightens me that you chose to give me a filibuster when—"

"Yes, we get it," Lee interrupts, "you're a lawyer, shut up, please."

Cure flips over the lazy-river with inequine (can't believe that was just written...) acrobatics while winking, pouting, and smiling simultaneously, "Please stop talking, my little ponies, it's time for the challenge. Ikeeeeeeeee!"

Blank silence.

"That means, go." she explains.

"For the love of God," Lee spat, "just speak in English."

The three teams begin their simultaneous paddling, keeping a relatively steady pace with each other, although Lee had to paddle for Ace because she decided to take a catnap.

Barro smiles, "Well, this is nice and calm. I'm actually enjoying this."

"I'd enjoy this more if you punished me," Starlight mumbles under her breath.

"Yeah," Lee nods with a smile, "despite the fact that this is a stupid show, I'm having an okay—"

*BZZZZZZZZZZT*

"—WHAT THE F*CK WAS THAT!?!?!"

"Blah, blah, blah, so annoying," Silver Lining groans... and snorts, "are you guys in heat or sometttthjaosdjfasdklfjalsdjio!!!!!!!!"

Barro peers into the water to see a multitude of large, serpentine creatures slithering through the water. "Are... those snakes?"

Strawberry Cure cartwheels into view and pulls one of the animals out with a quick hoof. "Of course not, Barro-chan, these are...." she pauses to give the thing a long, seductive, gag-inducing, lick before dropping back into the water, "... electric eels!"

The contestants give a collective, "Excuse me?" before a spine-jingling current was sent through their bodies.

Ace Five yowls in pain and bats one of the eels onto the small boat before viciously tearing its head off in the most adorable fashion.

Florarena's eyes widen in shock (the narrator was promptly shot for the pun by Bob, the Inter-dimensional Pun-Punisher) before a shivering panic overtook her, "Oh, COOKIE! FUZZ!"

Lee furrows his brow in confusion, "Dafuq?"

"When I get really stressed or nervous, I accidentally—SHOGUN!—shout random terms and—NECROMANCER!—this is a really stressful situat—F*CK, SH*T, PISS, PISS IN MY ASS, ANAL, ASS, I REALLY DROPPED MY HORNCAP IN THE TOILET BY ACCIDENT!"

"SHUT UP, IT'S ONLY FUNNY WHEN I DO IT!" Lee has a minor seizure through another eel, "I HATE EVERY ONE OF YOOOOUUUU!!!!"

Barro whimpers as another shock passes through the boat, "I just wanna meet a nice mare and go home...."

Author's Note

Yeah I got held up because of a doctor's visit. I might edit this if I have no school tomorrow (pretty bad freezing rain tonight and tomorrow).

Again, a big thanks to everyone for letting me abuse your OCs personalities!

I love everyone of you :D

I'm gonna eat some cake. Later.

Sweet Dreams of a Tired Hero.

NOW

The blaring sirens of the once peaceful town penetrates his drumming skull as he sprints between the falling structures and screaming, panicking ponies. His ragged breaths are uneven due to the relentless chase and fast pace, leaving no time to spare for any kind of respite. He dodges, ducks, dives, and does every maneuver he can to avoid the various missiles launched at his notorious figure, all while scanning for a place to find that elusive shelter from the hunt.

Unfortunately, the hunters are sharp, and learn fast.

A blue, exploding bolt of magic soars ahead of him, and rips through the support beams of a large, nearby house, causing a great section of the building to initiate a collapsing flood of wood, plaster, thatch, and brick.

There were a few seconds before the structure fell upon him, giving him time to gaze upon the looming doom that shadowed him.The torrent of building material elicited a deafening crack and rumble of debris, topping any other destructive noise in the disastrous town.

The hunters cheered!

They have finally brought the monster down after the long and wild chase, all ended with a well-aimed shot of clever strategy. Now all that is left is to remove his body from the rubble, lock him away, and clean up the town. Normally, they would be hesitant on the prospect of dropping a house on a single body, but from their experience, this particular body would only be stunned rather than killed. How lucky for them, they complete the hunt while keeping their moral standing intact!

Now if it were only for their dignity and confidence that have been oh so damaged since the monster is nowhere to be found under the wreckage.

His reflexes have gotten much better since he first arrived. Before the house fell, he had spotted an open window just ahead of the home's destined fall point. Using the last spurt of speed and strength, he cleared the area in two, long, unrealistically fast strides and dove through the window. The sound of impacting the wooden floor and crashing into the dinner table set had been covered by the rupturing building behind him, so none heard his entrance.

This gives him time, but first, some insurance would be smart.

He silently gets to his feet, avoiding any fallen objects that may have descended from his entry, and closes the window shut. He turns to place the table and chairs back in their original position, fixing the tablecloth while he checks for any scratches on the floor. Any marks were relatively invisible, and everything is now as they were before he came through the window, making wherever the others assumed he hid much less obvious.

He peers around the corners of the dining room, looking into the living room and hallways, making sure he is the only current inhabitant. He soon realizes that if anyone were to be here, they would have come running the second he leaped through the open window. The residents must have evacuated during the hunt. Whether it was a smart move to stay home and sheltered or away from the chaos but possibly open to it is a hard question, but he is just glad he didn't have to deal with another horrified family.

He leaves the kitchen and trudges down the hallway, taking deep and slow breaths to calm his fast, thick, rhythmic heartbeat. He opens a brown door to his left and takes a glance inside. He spots a bathtub, toilet, and sink, all part of the small bathroom that he is looking for. He quickly slides inside, closes the door, locks it, and makes for the sink. He removes his old brown cloak and lets it drop to the floor. He turns the faucet's knobs and hears the gracious stream of clear water splashing against the porcelain.

He splashes his face with the clean liquid, wiping off the grime, sweat, and blood caked onto his skin. It was then that he noticed he was trembling. He stops and leers at the strange claws which had taken the place of his old hands some time ago. He lightly wiggles the claws as the water ran between the hard, white plates and over the black, beaded skin underneath. He wonders back to when he discovered that he could not reverse his hands' scaly transformation anymore. He purses his lips and rolls his sleeves just past the long hollow spines that protruded from his elbows, waiting to spit the explosive, blue fire again.

He did not need to roll his sleeves further to remind himself of the scales, plating and muscles that were not his own, slowly spreading past his arms and across his chest. The same was felt about the same textures that had moved past his knees. His head darts up to the mirror, staring back at his fearful, hooded visage. It had been some time since he beheld the progress on his head, and truthfully, he never liked to, which is why he became so partial to that hood of his, no matter how ragged his blue jacket is now.

He tentatively reaches for the sides of the hood, being careful not to rip the sides with the tips of his claws. He lightly uncovers his head, and faces his face with a placid expression betrayed by shaky gulps. His head had strayed far from the anatomy he arrived with. The plates covered nearly half of his cranium, resembling a bleached, ridged skull and making his shiny black hair slightly spill over the edge. The plates stretched past his left eye, taking most of his upper lips, and covering his nose and ending in a sharp point, akin to a very small beak. The right half of his face was mostly untouched, save for the edges where the plates and black skin encroached like dark tendrils. His left eye had changed from its normal coffee brown shade to a blue sphere with shocks of white streaks, sort of like broken glass. The other feature was the slim, alabaster horn extending from the left side of his head, pointing forward, ready to skewer.

One perk among the many of them was that he didn't need his glasses anymore. The transformation seems to have corrected his vision, but he still keeps them in his jacket pocket.

He has another thought which had visited him in the past. Did this not all occur because of that book? He remembers when he carried it under his jacket wherever he went, foolishly oblivious to the evils it would hurl upon him and those nearby. He had thrown it far away from him some time ago, not giving it a second thought.

But by the time he pushed himself to toss it, it had been too late.

He looks into the reflection of the mirror and sees something perched upon the toilet's tank, angled to look back at him. There it sits, the book, it's leathery skull's eyes shining red and smiling gleefully. He was surprised the first time it appeared after the toss, but not the second, third, or countless other times it chose to torment him, so he decides to ignore it.

His eyes dart back to his reflected face, then he runs a finger across the transfigured skin and chokes the words from his throat, finally saying what he should have asked a long time ago, "Oh, Lord... when did things go too far?"

This is when the gravity suddenly feels as if it intensified and thickened. He had become quickly able to sense these things, and it only means...

Cheers and whooping fill the air outside his refuge, waking him from his trance, but there was one familiar voice shouting above the rest, "You can run, white fiend, but you only delay the inevitable!"

He pulls his hood back over his head and picked up his patchy cloak, "Great... now the princess is here for me...

An involuntary smile suddenly twists at the corner of his lip, "Heh."

Maybe the transfiguration extends beyond his flesh.

A great while before...

"TWILIGHT, get your grape-juice lookin' ass over here!"

Twilight's ear twitched in response to the hero's usual blunt call. The princess had been chatting with Applejack at her apple stand in Ponyville's town square on this bright and sunny summer day, and considering it was such a beautiful day, she thought it would be good to take Lee for an outing to meet with Applejack while Spike helped Cheerilee get some things ready for school.

She knew that Lee of all people needed it right now.

Twilight peered at Lee the legend and saw that he was examining the Equestrian Ledger at the newspaper stand. She and Applejack raised an eyebrow as Lee's intensely focused eyes scanned the words of the paper with apparent interest.

"Ah didn't think Lee was much fer readin' the papers." Applejack asked, her slow wording spelling the surprise in her voice.

Twilight shook her head while keeping eyes on his figure hunched over the stand, "Well, he's not. In fact, the last time he was actually reading anything from the stand was when that... swag.... disaster struck and he made a... oh he's about to throw a fit isn't he?"

Lee stopped reading to notice that Twilight was still talking to Applejack while studying him with her dissecting eyes.

He grunted and threw his arms to the side, "Are you just gonna f*cking stand there? Hurry up, damnit. And you too Breakfast Cereal. Because I like you."

Applejack snorted, "We better do what he says."

Twilight gave Lee a quick glance and quietly told her friend, "At least he's being his usual self for a little bit."

Applejack sighed and began walking towards Lee, "Ah know, but it ain't gonna last fer long. We're gonna have to deal with this sooner or later."

When they were close enough, Lee grabbed the two ponies and threw his arm around their necks, pushing their heads to read the papers in his other arm.

Before they could read anything, the clerk of the news counter shouted, "This ain't a library! Pay up or give it—"

"—BITCH!" Lee pulled a small pouch of gold coins out of his gym short's pocket and chucked into the salespony's muzzle, although the pouch was mostly filled with rocks, the pain of the package was more than enough to keep the clerk's attention off of them, "Now, read this sh*t."

Twilight decided to chastise Lee for the action later, and read the headlines:

WHITE DEMON CONTINUES TO TERRORIZE EQUESTRIANS WITH NO SIGN OF STOPPING! Royal Guard Captain, Shining Armor, now leads the hunt!

"Oh yeah, I think I remember Shiny telling me something about having to look for this White Demon thing the other day. Guess this monster has gotten past tabloids level of news... hm."

Applejack snickered, "Well, it only makes sense, Twilight, considerin' it tried to take the Crystal Heart under his watch and everythin'."

Twilight cocked her head to the side as she asked Lee, "Why the interest, Lee? You never really care about the Equestrian news."

"Think, dumbass," Lee snapped with a sneer, causing Twilight to flinch. He had been much more hostile than usual lately, and Twilight still was not used to it, "every monster or idiot villain in the news always has some no-shit-Sherlock plot or motivation for whatever the Hell they're doing, that's what I noticed. But what does this White Prick do?"

Twilight's ear flopped in curiosity, "It just leaves a permanent mark of terror wherever it leaves, and scares the heck out of ponies who see it."

"EXACTLY.This doesn't make any damn sense. All those jackasses are just calling it the scariest, evil-lookin'-motherf*cker that ever walked Equestria, but they can't remember a single detail about what it looked like? It just f*cks around for no reason. Why?"

"Ah dunno, Lee," Applejack interjected, "a lot of critters just do what they do around here for the sake of doin' it, and you can't trust a lot of ponies to remember things they don't want to..." her reasoning seemed to make Lee's tensed features relax a bit as it crept into his mind.

"And even if it is something out of the ordinary that required things to be done," Twilight added, "Princess Celestia would have
at least said something to the other princesses. So do you want to say or do something about it?"

Lee's shoulder slumped and any of his previous tension was already replaced by tired resignation evidenced by his sighs, "Um.. naw... I just thought it was something kinda weird. You're probably right, nothin' to notice."

And here was another example of unusual behavior on Lee's part. He simply gave into their explanations. Lee would fight the logic for the Hell of it with a couple dozen expletives, but he just gets tired now.

His pace was slower. His strength was very drained. His eyes were red and baggy. His movements were more like awkward shuffles.

He was very tired, and it was taking a toll on him, and luckily, his hoofed friends all knew why he was so tired.

"Lee..." Twilight tentatively said in a quiet tone, "... are we going to talk about it or what?"

Lee frowned and shook his head slowly, "Ain't nothin' to talk about. I already said that I'm fine."

Twilight rolled her eyes and nearly shouted, "Really, you're fine? I caught you trying to butter an orange for breakfast at least two times!"

"Can't a man try a new damn recipe every once in a while?" Lee grumbled as he walked away from the news stand and his friends, searching for a bench to sit down on.

Applejack followed closely and flatly told him, "Honey, take this from a farm worker who's experienced sleep deprivation in extreme forms, you haven't been gettin' any rest for weeks and it SHOWS."

Lee found the wooden bench he and Spike talked on some time ago and plopped himself down, "How the Hell would you know I haven't been sleepin'? You gettin' your horn on by watchin' me sleep or something? Ever thought I'm just sick?"

Twilight sat down next to him, and booped him with a hoof, "We know you haven't been sleeping because you've been having NIGHT TERRORS FOR THE PAST MONTH!"

* * *

Lee Newsom sleeps at the castle with Twilight Sparkle and Spike the dragon, all three were enjoying a night in the brand new, crystalline castle that sprouted after Tirek's defeat. This peaceful night would be one of the many rewards that came of overcoming Princess Twilight and friends' latest trials of ultimate friendship and heroism. Yes, this was all well deserved, even though Lee the Legend had nothing to do with the venture since he was helping with Vinyl Scratch's equipment at a concert in Appaloosa. Appaloosa of all places!

Even Lee merited a welcome rest after his days of helping a new friend.

"NO. NO. STOP, THOSE ARE MY BRAINS. DON'T EAT MY BRAINS YOU SPOOKY MONSTERS. GO AWAY MONSTERS. YOU'RE SPOOKY AS HELL. GO AWAY. NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! NO! SHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII—"

* * *

"We had to move out of that new castle because your screams kept echoing off the crystal walls!"

"ALRIGHT," Lee managed to shout over his tiredness, "I got a bit of a nightmare problem, I get it. But it's just a f*cking nightmare, I'll get over it. I'll either get a full eight hours of sleep, or eventually drop dead!" everything stopped as he uttered those words, as if he suddenly realized what he said, "Oh shit, man."

Applejack put a hoof on his shoulder, "Understand now, Lee?"

"Uh, yeah." Lee said in a hollow voice, most of his mind rooted on the idea of sleep.

Twilight craned her neck to Applejack's ear, "That went a lot quicker and easier than I thought it would, I'd figure he'd just argue about it the rest of the day like he usually does, and, I don't know, do some weird dance to go with it."

Applejack shrugged, "Ain't got enough energy to do that. Lack of sleep' can make a body complacent, or just the opposite, really."

Lee rubbed his tired eyes, hoping that it would rub out some of the weariness, "Anywhore, I don't see what we can do about these nightmares anyways, it's not like I can Inception the shit out of it."

Twilight blinked widely several times, "Are you serious?"

"Hm?"

"Do you not remember that Princess Luna, your MENTOR, has the ability to walk into dreams and nightmares, meaning she has all kinds of experience with these dream-related problems?"

Lee sighed and slapped his forehead with the palm of his hand, "I'm sorry, I'm more moronic than a seven-times-inbred-liberal who spits out logic terms so he can sound smart to his other seven-times-inbred-liberal friends when I get this sleep-deprived."

Twilight squinted as she repeats Lee's remark silently, "Well that's more long-winded than the usual ones, but that doesn't matter. What DOES matter is that you're finally willing to get help for your affliction."

Applejack gave Lee a quick hug, "Know that we care greatly for ya, ya big goofball!"

Twilight followed Applejack's example and embraced him tightly, both mares pressing themselves close, "You've been a wonderful friend, and we hate to see you like this. Thanks for accepting the help."

Lee briefly raised his arms to hug them back, and pulled away after a few seconds, "We done f*cking now?" Lee separated, rose from the bench, and stretched before saying, "We're gonna need Spike, I gotta take a letter."

"My student, it was far too foolish of you to refuse any sort of help of this matter! Dreams of this variety are an especially nasty thing if they become capable of doing this much damage."

Lee groaned from the makeshift bed of straw in Applejack's barn, "Yeah, yeah, I know, Princess of Bitchiness and Snapples already gave me shit for it. I was dumb, and an asshole, and too sexy for this shirt, and all too real for this shit, but I'm here now, aren't I?"

Princess Luna rolled her eyes as she circled his laying figure, "Yes, no point in chastisement now. Now, what can you remember from the nightmares? It is best to be as prepared as possible for any surprise dangers while I dreamwalk with you."

Lee grimaced, "That's the thing. I can't. All I know is that it's scary as Hell. Any memory disappears when I wake up."

Luna froze and looked down at him, "Well, that is... most strange, considering recurring nightmares do leave a large spot in the dreamer's nightmares..." she put a hoof under her chin and thought aloud, "then again, I never sensed any bad dreams especially frightening from this town either. I usually detect the problem before it even becomes this noticeable. Hm. Well, any questions before we begin, student? Dreamwalking in this direct process is quite unorthodox, so it's best to get any confusions out of the way."

Lee glanced around the empty barn, seeing only piles of bundles of hay, "Why are we alone? Don't I need emotional support or something gay like that?"

"Considering the nature of the nightmare," Luna explained in a strangely cheery pitch, showing her happiness in being able to teach someone about something that only she could do, "it is best to dreamwalk alone so that there are no possible distractions, or worse, they also become absorbed in the nightmare. Therefore, it should only be me and you, my pupil of the Night."

"As long as you don't molest me and make me call you uncle, that's fine."

Princess Luna frowned, "But would it not make more sense to call me aunt?"

"Okay, I'm just going to ignore that rapey-comment and ask how this dreamwalking shit starts."

To answer Lee's question, her horn hummed before streaking out the midnight blue veil of magic, congealing and bursting into an explosion of stars that overtook his senses, sending him instantly to sleepytimes.

Lee hesitated as he opened his eyes. He knew where he was. He knew the inky landscape full of the abstract terrors that haunted him for the many weeks well enough that he could recognize it with his eyes closed.

At least this time, he had his powerful, Alicorn princess of a teacher by his side to make it all go away.

And there she stood, mane billowing against the winds, mouth open in awe, examining the writhing and frothing dark's spectral images and malformed creatures with a fascinated horror.

Then she heard the screaming crescendo's beginning. The wails pierced her skull like a million running drill guns, but she barely flinched.

Lee covered his ears as he ungainly walked over to her stalwart form, "So you gonna do some dream-ghostbusting or what, Auntie Luna?"

Luna's eyes skittered to Lee's, and she furrowed her brow, "I can't."

Lee's hands dropped to his side, his jaw hit the floor, and he screamed,"THE F*CK YOU TALKING ABOUT, AUNTIE?!

Luna spied the tendrils of darkness coiling and uncoiling around them, waiting to grab and squeeze, "You don't understand, Lee, these aren't just any dreams or nightmares..."

"Then WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?"

Princess Luna's eyes widened as the grotesque figures began to take form and march closer, "These aren't nightmares..."
she unfurled a wing, enveloped Lee, and brought Lee's trembling body close, "... these are visions!"

Author's Note

GUESS WHO'S BACK...

BACK AGAIN.

LEE IS BACK.

TELL A FRIEND.

Yeah, I ain't letting this story stagnate or die, so I'm finally moving ahead with it. A new chapter, with lots of hangers. It does seem kinda fast-paced and all...

"We want proper pac—"

—SHUT UP, AT LEAST I CONTINUED THE DAMN STORY UNLIKE MANY WHO JUST LEAVE THEIRS INCOMPLETE FOREVER.

lol seriously, no animosity or anything. It feels good to be back.

The Trotting Dead.

Bone Dirt happily skipped through the Ponyville Boneyard that lied just outside the town limits. The cemetery had to be placed just out of reach of the humble village because it was just too darn depressing for the incredibly sensitive and nickery ponies. If the ponies wanted to see headstones, they would do so on their own time.

Bone Dirt is the Ponyville undertaker. It is quite fortunate that Bone Dirt the Earth Pony is such a cheery pony. If he was not so chipper, or such good company, then everypony would be quite certain that he would have gone mad from the depressing atmosphere like the undertaker before him.

Bone Dirt liked his job for many reasons. He enjoyed the solitude, as it allowed him to work on his haikus and various fanfictions without interruption. He also felt his job at the dead house was very fulfilling. He would be the one to make sure those who left this world looked their best as they did so, and he would always be the one to cheer up any of the grieving with his remarkably upbeat attitude, without giving hollowly cliched remarks to show any possibly brighter side of the situation.

The mortician stopped to observe the skies. It had been so sunny before, but now a bumpy blanket of grey clouds already began to steadily surround and conquer the fair weather.

“How strange,” he thought, “the Pegasi did not schedule any rain for the remainder of the week, so what are these glum clouds doing here?” The wind decided to send a strong gust now, shaking the curling, wrought iron fences with a ghostly clatter, and as soon as the buffet stopped, a loud clap of thunder followed.

Bone Dirt chuckled, “If I didn’t know any better, I would say that this is the perfect setting for a—”

“BONE DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRT!!!!”

The undertaker snapped his head to the light-purple and sky-blue Pegasus streaking towards him from the gray heavens. She flapped to a halt just before Bone Dirt’s placidly staring visage.

“Bone Dirt, it’s terrible!”

“Ah, yes, Night Thumper, my new, blundering, and only apprentice,” Bone Dirt sighed the exposition away, “what appears to be the problem now?”

Night Thumper blinked away a few tears and looked away, “Please don’t hate me…”

“Oh, my little Thumper,” Bone Dirt rolled his eyes and wiped her tears with a gentle hoof, “you know that I could never do that. Out with it already, the sooner you say, the sooner we can correct!”

Night Thumper sniffled and cleared her throat for the news, “I lost Mr. Oat Grass.”

Bone Dirt’s eyes were unchangingly nonplussed, and his slight frown appeared to show blankness, “You lost Mr. Oat Grass?”

“Yes.”

“You lost the corpse of a full grown Earth Pony?”

“Y-y-yessir.”

“Oh, Night Thump-thump-thumpity-thump-thumper. Why did you ever decide to take on the incredibly somber job of an undertaker’s apprentice?”

“Because of my student loans, sir.”

“That’s right.” Bone Dirt shrugged and made his way back to the funeral home, “Oh well! I guess we’ll have to offset the weight of the empty coffin with a log again. Nothing to worry about, this happens to every future undertaker, so I happen to have some experience with…”

Bone Dirt stopped in his tracks, blocked by what stood there.

“Scratch the log, I think we found Mr. Oat GraaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH—”

"Visions,"

"Yes, my pupil!"

"Visions?"

"Y... yes, I believe this has already been established."

"VISIONS?" Lee grabbed his hair in clumps and stomped away from Luna's outstretched wings, "REALLY? What am I some damn Jonah now? Where's the big ass fish? I don't see no f*cking Pinocchio whale, so you must be joking... VISIONS?!"

The princess's face contorted as she attempted to make sense of Lee's irrational rambling, "I... I... I'm afraid I don't understand any of the references you seem to have made."

Lee threw a gesturing arm towards the bubbling blackness and hazy images, "How is any of this nonsensical f*ckery supposed to be a vision?"

Luna stepped to Lee's heavily panting side and stared into the images with him, "Visions are not clear events played in one's dream. Visions are interpretive. Visions are something to be deciphered and thought upon rather than an open book, so to speak."

"That's bullshit!" Lee shouted over the screaming orchestra, "What am I supposed to interpret from any of this random shit? And if I can't remember it, what use is there?"

A bit of the inky dark popped and sent a spray of some unidentifiable fluid just shy of their feet.

Luna examined the events, slowly unpacking the events of the dream within her mind as she formed an explanation, "That's the strange part, my student. There appears to be no rhyme or reason to these scenes. Perhaps even stranger, are the direct images that fade in and out. Never have I seen a vision so direct and indirect simultaneously... and when do visions have such a negative effect?"

Lee took the unhelpful reasons with no enthusiasm, and they would have only added to his rage had he not heard the next act.

The enraged dreamer's face suddenly lost all color, then he dropped his hands to his side and listened to the sounds of the scene, motioning to Luna to listen, "Hear that?"

Luna squinted as she listened in, "The screaming, it stopped."

It had. The unending, skull shattering volumes of shrieks had suddenly and without warning ended. The pair was silent as they observed the silence's actions.

Then the bubbling and frothing ceased. The inky murk stopped its twisting and fell flat, pulling away from the ground and exposing the green, carved, and tightly packed bricks beneath.

Luna knew this familiar tingly feeling that quickly arced up the spine upon watching the receding blackness and dead quietness.

She placed her equine form in front of Lee's quivering body and instinctively flared her wings, "Stay behind me, Lee. I can feel it, can you?"

Lee gave her one quick nod, "I think I can."

"Yes, something is coming, and it is big."

As if in response, the darkness pooled in a wet bank rimming the circle of bricks that surrounded the student and teacher. The pools rippled and wormed, and then the things began to rise.

The strange, grotesque forms of varying shape and size struggled to stand from the ooze they emerged from, each entity eyeing the dreamers with curiosity. They slowly slugged through the swamp, having no discernible features other than the dark shades they shared with the waters, save for the glowing red eyes stuck in their strange heads. They seemed to only be able to shamble so far, stopping at the edge of the waters, like something was inhibiting whatever unknowable desires they held.

"Okay, this is new." Lee commented with pursed lips and a nod.

"Excuse me," Luna asked with a sharp tone, "are you saying that you haven't encountered these creatures before?"

"Not THESE punk-ass niggas."

"Oh, this cannot be good..."

The black slime tremored one last time, the bubbling and vibrations more powerful than the ripples before. The frothings slithered and collected in a single spot directly across from Luna and Lee, bunching together in a whipping frenzy of otherworldly tendrils. The tentacles froze, and
wrapped around the semi-hard mass, creating a large, tightly packed hunched body of hardened grime, larger than the rest of the creatures. It took a big, meaty step out of the marsh and onto the bricks.

Luna’s horn immediately crackles with sparks and currents of sapphire streaked magic, and her eyes were overflowing with white energy as power began to fill her defending body.

Her voice blasted with the Royal Canterlot Voice, causing the smaller monsters to cringe in pain, “Keep your distance, foul beast, lest you FEEL THE WRATH OF THE NIGHT!”

Lee grimaced as he realized that this teacher he sent such hilariously obscene letters to, would be more than capable enough to smite him off the face of Equestria. Perhaps these pony princesses were not so dainty after all.

“Damn, Princess Full Moon Ass, that was pretty badass. But I think you meant to say: the wrath of the MOTHERF*CKING night, just a rookie mistake.”

“Like the visions, boy?”

And of course, the voice had not come from either of the two. It was almost as if these means of introductions were becoming far too commonplace.

The lumbering mass of liquid shadow rumbled. The middle of the talking monster bubbled and turned as something began to emerge from the ick. Lee and Luna first saw a beady red eye peer out, and then the rest of the face swam to the surface, causing a large portion of the slime to fall away, leaving a taller and much thinner body to tower over the pair.

Lee knew this face.

He did not know this face from these visions. He beheld this face from the beginning of the nightmare.

The very beginning.

In that Silver 2012 Nissan Altima.

With his friend, brother, even.

All beginning as a contorted face on an evil book that never should have been taken. It was none other than the agonized skull, covered thinly by a veil of skin, gracing the cover of the Necronomicon.

“Honestly, I’m quite surprised you’ve only chosen now to address this nighttime trouble of yours,” the half skinned skull chattered, “then again, you’ve shown time and time again how stubborn and irrational you can be, Mr. Hero. But now, here you are, with this ancient dream stalker.”

“SILENCE!” Luna boomed with a thunderous stomp of a hoof, “No matter what manner of nightmare you appear be, I will tolerate my student’s torture no longer!”

The skull ignored the intensity of her demands and continued with his obligated monologue, accentuating his speech with the flourish of an arm, “It’s been oh so long since I’ve been awake. I’ve been sitting, stewing, and sleeping in that accursed prison, forced to do nothing but sleep.” The skull’s eyes dimmed a little as he looked upwards, reaching towards the skies with a slime covered hand, “All because these damned worlds could not understand me? They would not, could not, ever understand me, and they place me in chains, warranting their ignorance of genius in their peaceful little universes.”

“Oh my God…” Lee groaned as the skull continued that strange hand-reach-lightbulb turning gesture he so often saw in dramas, “... he’s got the angst of a middle-schooler.”

The skull did not like that quip.

His eyes dimmed lights suddenly flared like twin stars as he swung his visage closer to their level, “FOOL, you know not who you mock, and……..! UUuuuurgh! I was so incredibly bored in that cell!” he sighed, and he somehow managed to smile, “But then, you two came along, and the fun began once more! I feed and feed, and I grow stronger, despite these fetters!”

Luna snorted and pushed her flashing horn in the skull’s face, “Enough of these pitiful testimonies, knave, and get to the point already.” an arc of arcane power crackled threateningly around the spirals of her horn, “Just what is your plot here?”

The skull leered into Luna’s eyes before standing up straight and shuffling away, “I believe there’s no time to worry about any brilliant schemes, after all there’s a much more immediate threat, don’t you think?”

Moans.

A herd of moans pierced the silence, growing louder and louder as they came closer, coupled with the sounds of flesh thumping noisily against stone.

Lee blanched and groaned,“Uh oh.”

Luna shut the power from her horn and snapped her head towards Lee’s pale face, “What is the matter, my student?”

“I remember this part now..”

They finally emerged.

And they were rotted. There were a countless number of the things. The slow, moaning, walking corpses of ponies of all kinds kept their steady march out of the darkness, towards Lee and his mentor.

Luna charged her horn and waved it at the advancing horde, brandishing the ancient power churning in her spike, but they gave it no acknowledgement.

“This is.. no.” she muttered.

“Now then,” the skull said, gaining their attention once more, “I’ll take my leave now, but I want you to remember….” the eyes burned like the sun as he screamed, “I will have my REVENGE!!!!”

Then something in Luna’s mind finally clicked.

“Wait a spell…” she turned to the skull’s dramatically blazing features with a contorted expression of a raised eyebrow and open mouth, “I know who you are. I remember you!”

The skull’s fiery eyes downed to embers as he grumbled, “Ugh, can’t have you remembering anything troublesome.” He raised two thin, goo-covered appendages and brought them together, “But that’s the fun thing about these ‘visions’. Memories are no trouble at all, no matter if they happen to belong to an annoying Princess of the Night.”

He snapped his fingers, and the entire scene broke to pieces and fell away in a strobing vortex beneath Luna and Lee, carrying their screaming voices out of sleeping consciousness.

“Princess Luna! Princess Luna, wake up!”

Luna and Lee’s woke, shouting, and they immediately stood from the straw covered floor, sucking in huge gulps of air into their oxygen-hungry lungs. An equally strained Applejack stood, panting, brow furrowed, and sweat droplets streaming from her forehead.

“Princess Luna and Lee, you’re finally awake!” Applejack said with a smile.

Lee grabbed Luna’s head and yelled, “What the Hell was all that?!”

“Um, guys? This is kinda important.”

Luna shook her head vigorously, “I-I do not remember! I recognized that monster but… oh, I just cannot place a hoof on the memory! It is as if all the clues leading to the revelation have been removed!”

“Hello? Applejack here?”

“Skull-f*cker already explained that shit,” Lee roared, “I’m talking about that trotting dead BS! What the Hell did he mean by immediate threat?”

Luna turned away and placed a hoof on her throbbing head, “I cannot make much sense of the events… such things are impossible. It must be an omen of death. Perhaps a great plague will strike the land? Or maybe it is a famine of sorts. No matter, we must—”

“—PARDON!” Applejack howled over the puzzle-solving, breaking the awoken pair and getting their attention, “But we’ve a problem a mite bigger than a nightmare at the moment!”

Lee and Luna blinked several times, realizing they’ve ignored Applejack’s presence and franticness.

Luna cleared her throat, “I apologize, strong Applejack, but pray tell, what is the matter?”

The sweating farmer grimaced, “Ya ain’t gonna believe it.”

*CRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACKKKK!!!*

“BRREAAAUUGHGHHH!!!!!!”

Lee could only frown as the ceiling of the barn splintered under the dive-bombing power of a half-rotted Pegasus mare with flesh flying off of her aged skull from the velocity of the angle.

Lee could only say one thing before the kamikaze pony dove straight towards him, mouth agape, hooves outstretched.

“F*ck.”

The mare slammed into him with the force of an ill-fated baby carriage sent careening down an incredibly unsafe hilly slope, throwing the human through several bales of hay and into the hard, wooden wall of the barn.

Alfalfa and the anger-fueled cries of Lee were flung through the air as he fought tooth and nail to tear the crazed corpse off of his body, while saying, “WHY DOES THIS SH*T ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?”

“Fear not, my protege!” Luna boomed as she charged her horn and released a spell, “No foul fiend will continue to accost you under my watch!”

Although nothing seemed to happen.

“Hold her still, Lee!” Applejack promptly galloped to the frenzy, spun on her front hooves, and delivered a solid buck to the Pegasus’s midsection, hurling it off and leaving it floundering in a mountain of even more hay.

Luna stopped the flow of magic and observed the gnashing monster, “Impossible! My magic had no effect on the creature!”

“Exactly.” Applejack said as she helped Lee to his feet, “Ah’ don’t know why, but direct magic is useless with all these things.”

Lee groaned as he rubbed the bruises he received from the ghoul, “‘All these things’? What, there’s MORE of these little f*ckers running around?”

Applejack sighed, “Lee, it’s a great, big, mess out there.”

He stopped nursing his wounds to point out,“Wait, if it’s a clusterf*ck, then what are you doing here alone?”

Applejack chortled before pointing to the apple trees outside, “I was just checkin’ on some of Bloomberg’s kids! Ain’t no one stoppin’ me from takin’ care of my apples. The rest didn’t want me to go, so I just came alone.”

“So you just ran through a horde of brain-f*cking horse corpses to check on some trees… and they haven’t come looking’ for you?”

The very dutiful apple-bucker shrugged, “Ah’ guess they didn’t think I’d actually risk it.”

The Pegasus zombie tumbled as it managed to escape the straw prison, with a newly broken wing, and lumbered after Lee for a second round, “GrrrgrhrROOOOWDEeeebbbbBBRAAAAaaarrKK!”

“BITCH!” Lee grabbed a nearby pitchfork that had been used for tossing hay, and brought the heavy, metal prongs down upon the decomposing head of the lunging zombie.

And he swung again.

And again.

He was forced to stop now that the targeted cranium was completely destroyed.

He dropped the pitchfork, gave a middle finger to the dead undead, “Git er’ done, motherf*cker.”

Applejack looked away, “Lee, I think ya got it done after the first swing.”

“But you see, I, wasn’t done.”

“Ah’ can see that.” Applejack pulled a face, “Hey, ya ain’t acting as loopy as ya were before!”

Lee grunted, then looked over himself, “Guess actually lookin’ at what that nightmare sh*t fixed me. I was sleeping, technically.”

Luna walked to the edge of the barn and peered outside. She saw thundering clouds, showers of rain, and a trail of immobile corpses spread across the farm, all bearing twin hoofmark pits at the head, and THEN she saw the dozens of still-walking undead marching towards the barn, the air bearing their moans.

Upon catching sight of Princess Luna’s brain-operated eyes, that march turned into a frothing gallop of hunger.

Luna shut the barn door and curled her lip, “We need to leave right now.”

Applejack clopped to the grim princess’s side, wearing a creased brow as she went, “Do ya happen to be familiar with what this is, Princess Luna?”

“I’ll explain once we are all together again, but we must leave before the next attack,” Luna turned away from Applejack and dealt with the thoughts smouldering in her mind

Applejack snorted and threw a hoof over Lee’s shoulder, “At least this time we can just magic our way back instead o’ just runnin’ like a crazy pony like Ah’ had to do.”

The old Alicorn of the moon whispered under her breath, “I never imagined that I would see such a thing again… this can only be the work of…”

“Like Hell we’re just gonna zap back without my car!” Lee protested with crossed arms, “I ain’t lettin’ her magic my baby either. I wanna drive.… plus the entire town asked me to stop driving until I was better, especially after I ran it through city hall… and put Mayor Mare in the hospital.”

Luna deeply exhaled before saying to herself, “... a necromancer.”

*SCREEEEEEEEEEECCCHHHH*

*NNNNNGGHHHVRROOOOM!!!!!*

Lee was quiet as he drifted his silver Altima out of the white gates of Sweet Apple Acres, slamming into some zombies who didn’t have quite the same reaction speed as living ponies.
The window wipers creaked once or twice in vain to wipe the broken bodies of animated corpses that crashed into the speeding car’s clip.

Luna nervously watched the rushing landscape from the passenger seat’s window, “Is it safe for this strange vehicle to travel so fast?”

Applejack leaned over from the backseat, “Probably not, but don’t try arguing with him.”

“Cuz’ there ain’t sh*t to argue about.”

Lee yawned as the car plowed through a pair of diving Pegasi and charging Earth Ponies, trampling or tossing dismembered bodies to the air.

“Where we goin’ again?”

“That DJ’s club,” Applejack answered as a Unicorn with flapping face skin gnawed at the window to her seat, “you know, that place where you stomped that stallion in the apple fritters, Wubbin’ the Right Way, or something.”

Lee squinted and took a turn towards the street leading to the club, “The more I think about it, the more it sounds like the name of some weird-ass strip club.”

Applejack rubbed her chin, “Now that ya mentioned it, it sure does sound like the seedy title of the wrong kind of ‘apple bobbin’.”

Luna raised an eyebrow, “When did you become accustomed to partaking in coarse humor such as this, Applejack?”

Applejack frowned before pulling her hat over her face, “Ah, hay-fries, now Lee’s mouth is rubbin’ off on me.”

Lee’s car screeched to a halt, parallelly parking to the club’s giant facade vinyl record, catching the ear of the local zombie crowd.

“Get out of the car, bitches.”

Instead of exiting the car, Luna charged a quick spell and released, causing the three to disappear from the Altima and to reappear on the inside of Vinyl Scratch’s club.

“Or you can just be a dick and not listen to the driver. That’s fine.”

Luna chuckled, “I simply removed any risk of being attacked by—”

“—You’re still an asshole.”

“Princess Luna, Applejack, Lee, you’re finally back!” Twilight Sparkle shouted with a smile as she galloped to the trio with the rest of the Elements and Spike.

“Yup, Shady’s back, tell a friend, I get it.” Lee crossed his arms and examined the state of the dance club.

All the lights were switched on, and there seemed to be the entire, cowering population of Ponyville occupying the spacious place. The windows and exits were all boarded up and barricaded with the virtually useless, weirdly shaped furniture seen in most dance clubs. Then again, their cumbersome forms provided excellent blockades.

The ponies who had taken refuge shivered and hugged their family and friends close, each bearing wide eyes and shrunken pupils or eyelids squeezed shut to staunch the torrent of tears. Lee noticed that most of the ponies kept a wide berth of the doors leading to the army of the dead, some not even looking in the same direction of the exits. Seeing the dead come back to life shook the equines more than Lee would have thought, considering they have dealt with monsters, the spirit of chaos, and evil incarnations of the moon.

Then it hit him.

Ponyville was one of the smallest settlements in all of Equestria. Having a small town a ways off from other cities would mean having a small, personal cemetery just for Ponyville. The zombies would not have only been the reanimated dead to the Ponyvillians, but most of the undead would have had to been dead family members and friends. Now these friends whom they’ve accepted as gone are walking the earth once more, holding a ravenous consciousness that solely existed to eat.

These ponies were not just scared, they were disturbed.

Lee the Legend grunted, “So now that all the candy-asses are in once place, may I please ask what the Hell is going on?”

Twilight took a deep breath for her prepared lecture, until Pinkie Pie cut the ventilation short with a, “We have no idea!”

The new Princess’s wings and ears drooped, “Basically, yes. We know nothing.”

Rainbow Dash swooped by overhead, swimming through the air on her back, “I know I’ve said this a million times, but what is there to know? They’re zombies, so we do some zombie smashing and don’t get bit, end of story!”

“Rainbow, dear,” Rarity explained, “I’m sure the logic of all those dreadful-zombie-flicks you love so much don’t have much to do with this situation.”

RD stopped her lazy flying to zip before Rarity’s unimpressed face, “Says you! Remember when I kicked the head in of that zombie with the huge wig? He dropped right there, and the ‘flicks’ all say that would happen. Obviously, the directors did their research!”

“I’m quite sure that most beasts would not be able to move with a scrambled brain, darling, and how can the directors do research if zombies are FICTION?”

Lee, of course, could not take the pointless arguing if it isn’t orchestrated by him, so he screamed, “Will you four-legged whores stop f*cking for one damn second?!” effectively silencing the two, and then he turned to Twilight, “So, you mean to tell me in all this time you couldn’t figure out anything other than what sh*tty zombie movies already established?”

Again, Pinkie stole the lecture’s breath from Twilight’s mouth, “Actually, we did learn something! The fundead out there seem to be able to track us by scent!”

Twilight waited a few seconds in silence, making sure that Pinkie was done talking. When Pinkie noticed and gave her a grinning nod to go on with whatever words she had planned, Twilight opened her mouth.

“We also can’t get out of Ponyville for some reason,“ Spike cheerily answered as Twilight was once again forced out of her secret hobby of sounding like a teacher when she explained things, “and we also can’t get any messages in or out of the town either, so we haven’t really found out anything good.”

“Hold on,” Lee brought his hands up, “why aren’t we in that shiny, new, fruity castle that’s almost impossible to break into?”

Spike frowned, “We found bedbugs. LOTS of them.”

“Oh…”

“Yeah, the castle is being fumigated today of all times! Heh heh…”

Princess Luna grimaced as she peered between the cracks of the boarded windows, watching the cadavers carelessly pay Wubbin’ the Right Way no attention, “For what reason did you choose this establishment of nighttime merriment as hiding?”

The reasons for choosing the club involved beautiful science! Twilight loved explaining that more than anything!

“I can tell ya guys why!” said the scratchy but feminine voice of Vinyl Scratch as she lowered herself down on an enormous disco ball.

Twilight only closed her eyes, waiting for the cruel moments to pass by.

“Ya see, this club has been gettin’ such good traffic and the endless parties have been so boomin’ that there’s been an endless amount of sweat, hormones, and pheromones, pumped into each and every crevice of Wubbin the Right Way! Seriously, it’s actually becoming a chemical problem, and I’ve had to hide it from the Health Inspector, but hey, zombies can’t smell a thing because it hides living ponies!” The DJ laughed at the fortuity of what had been a problem.

Lee rubbed his eyes and scratched his chin, then inhaled, and said, “Vinyl, that’s disgusting.”

“Well, I mean it’s not that—”

“No. There is nothing you can possibly say to salvage how incredibly gross this place now is. I never want to be here again.”

“Aw, come on, now you’re just being—”

“Stop, just… stop. This place is a sanitation hazard. In fact, I plan on calling the police after this is done, at least if you don’t do something about this.”

Vinyl stared into Lee’s deathly serious face, and looked at the other ponies, “Is he serious?”

“Very much so,” Applejack grimly confirmed.

“Now that I know this place smells like a Greek orgie, I can finally address this…” Lee then pointed to the shy elephant in the room, “why the Hell is Flutterbutt wearing a suit of armor?”

Everyone’s eyes shifted straight to Fluttershy, who of course, stood in the rear, wearing an entire set of plate armor, her mane and tail adorably poking out of wide slits in the steel.

Fluttershy’s peepers blinked at the group’s placid expressions through the steel grill of her visor, “Well… uh, I really didn’t wanna get bit and turn into a super-scary zombie, so I put this on! I’m perfectly safe from bites now!”

They all decided to ignore arguing at this point.

Applejack nudged Luna with her hoof, “So, uh, Princess Luna, didn’t ya say you knew what this problem was all about?”

Pinkie Pie gasped and hugged Twilight around the neck, “Ya hear that, Twi! Princess Luna has the answers, unlike us…”

Twilight growled, “I can’t help that all the books we used to solve our problems got burned down in Ponyville’s only library! Why didn’t I just buy storage? I had to know this would happen eventually… but, please, Princess Luna, it would be wonderful if you could tell us what’s causing this craziness.”

Luna turned to face the entire party, and said, “The rising dead, inescapable town, the inability to use direct magic on the ghouls, and blocked communications, can only work in conjunction by an old and forbidden art. I’m afraid Ponyville has been afflicted by a necromancer.”

Princess Twilight Sparkle exploded in a cacophony of laughter, infecting Pinkie Pie (even though she wasn’t sure why she was laughing with the alicorn), “A… a, I’m sorry, but… a necromancer? Those evil, cackling, wizards of the dead in all those old fairy tales and fantasy novels? I’m sorry, but, that’s hilarious!”

“Twilight Sparkle, the majority of my humor relies on non-sequiturs and pranks, so I am very serious.”

Twilight’s laughter was quickly smothered, “Of course you’re serious. Of course, Ponyville has a necromancer…”

“I cannot explain why, and I don’t know how a necromancer managed to spring up once more after so many ages,” Luna continued with increasing gravity, “but what does matter is that we defeat the mage NOW, before he forces anymore innocent souls into their rotting corpses for whatever nefarious purpose is planned.”

“And how are we supposed to do take this baddie down? This isn’t exactly something we know about...” Rainbow Dash asked after finally landing.

“Fortunately for us,” Luna smiled, “there is a process for tracking down and stopping a necromancer that I remember from times ago.”

“That is fortunate!” Rarity cheered, “Normally, we’d be running around like a bunch of ninnies, and eventually one of us would strike the iron, so to speak, or by working together, or however we manage to succeed. Now that we have a proper protocol for this certain scenario, things will move much faster!”

A laugh escaped Luna’s throat, “Your enthusiasm is much appreciated, especially since you yourself are one of the keys to finding this dark magus.”

“Excuse me?”

“I am well aware of your proficiency in the Gem-Finding-Spell. Through your spell’s efforts, we will reveal the crypt the necromancer has hidden in very soon!”

“Err, how do gems help us find a crypt?” Spike asked from below, “And I’m completely ignoring why we are looking for a crypt because I think we’re all super tired of these questions….”

Luna rubbed Spike’s head frills lovingly, “Simple, my noble dragon, you see, most crypts are a Unicornian tradition, and by following tradition, all Unicornian crypts have a large concentration of precious gems to adorn the graves. If we find the gems, we find the crypt!”

Rarity looked to the ground, “I suppose it makes sense, but where do I ever start? Ponyville doesn’t even have a crypt! Not that we know of, at least…”

“Start from the bottom to the top, this catacomb could be anywhere underground.”

Rarity shrugged and charged her horn, “Alrighty then, let’s go ahead and… Oh!” She pointed her horn towards the back of the club, “Uh oh.”

Spike looked towards her horn, “Why ‘uh oh’?”

Rarity gave Pinkie a grimace, “I’m so sorry, my dear, but it seems that your place of business is built right over a sepulchre.”

Lee heaved the whirring chainsaw and swung the tree-shredding tool in a wide arc, harmlessly bouncing the buzzing blade off the surfaces of the decomposing zombie-flesh.

“WHY WON’T THIS DAMN THING CUT!”

“Lee!” Twilight cried as she ran into Sugarcube Corner’s now-open door with the party, “Why did you even grab that thing? It’s large, heavy, unbalanced, requires fuel, and not meant for swinging!”

“Oh, please, you’ve seen the movies, this damn power tool is like the JAWBONE OF A DONKEY AGAINST ZOMBIES!”

Twilight pulled a face at the metaphor, “Jawbone of a… that doesn’t even make sense!”

Lee resigned to switching off the cumbersome chainsaw, and decided to bludgeon the moaning, limping, Earth Pony stallion ghoul with only two legs to death by the weighty handle.

He turned around, sneered, and shouted, “Well if you pagans read your Bible, you would get things!”

(This little section here was typed out for the sole purpose of showing the humorous and stupid results of trying to use as a chainsaw as a viable weapon against the undead. Seriously, pick up a baseball bat or a shotgun, or at least a machete. And for the love of God, don’t pick up a katana or some big sword, because chances are, you won’t know how to cut correctly, and probably break it, and end up dooming yourself.)

“Pinkie, aren’t ya the least bit worried that your home is built right over a home for dead-ponies?” Applejack asked as they all carefully wandered down the spookily silent, stone corridors of the crypt, each side lined with adorned stone plates signifying which ancient Unicorn is lied to rest.

“Well, when you think about it, just about all of our homes are made over someplace where something or probably somepony died, so there’s really no point in worrying about it! There’s probably the bodies of dead ponies that fed the soil your trees grow on, Applejack!”

“Thanks for the image Pinkie…”

“Just ignore the worms, bones, dirt, spiders, mice, and absolutely everything else in here and you’ll be fine, Rarity!” Rarity spoke to herself as she worked the Gem-Finder-Spell, gritting her teeth and focusing on the path ahead, “Just do your job, Rarity, and give yourself a well-deserved, very-thorough, and soap-heavy spa-day, yup!”

Rainbow Dash grumbled as she grew more aware of the very enclosed spaces surrounding her, “Ugh, I hate places like this, there’s no room to do anything!”

“Couldn’t I have just stayed behind?” Fluttershy meeped from the raspy helmet.

“We need every hoof we can get with this necromancer, Fluttershy,” Twilight explained while closely reading every piece of history that could be found on the slabs, learning that the dates were getting increasingly older as they went, “we still don’t know how many ponies could be in there, and besides, your armor will keep you protected.”

Fluttershy’s sighs whistled through the steel net of the visor, “Of course, I couldn’t stay behind...”

The catacombs directly below Sugarcube Corner looked to be very old, telling from the lack of maintenance, penetrating tree roots, and a possible civilization of mice and spiders coexisting in peace.

As Luna predicted, there were a variety of gems studded in decorative forms for each of the stone-slab grave markers, some of the resting places included what looked like a miniature altar with, of course, gems, statues, and items that possibly symbolized the life of the deceased.

However, a good portion of the graves did not include a slab covering for the bodies of the Unicorns, most were just open, flat, rocky beds covered with dead laurels and flowers. On the dried flora were the dressed, wasted skeletons of Unicorns, laying on their back, arms crossed on their chests in ghostly repose.

The adventurers were initially spooked by the dead bones of times long ago, but Luna’s confident stride, stolid words, and strong presence reassured any fears they had.

Well, it assured everyone but Lee. Lee the Legend always harbored a distaste for the dead. The walking dead was no problem for him, but the dead dead was a different story. Seeing the still, lifeless bodies of sentient beings, slowly rotting to unrecognizable dust always sent a shiver through his spine, each shiver reminding him that no matter when his soul will be elsewhere, his body will remain on the earth to be dissected, decomposed, eaten by worms and become one with the dirt.

“All creepy sh*t aside,” Lee started as he attempted to ignore the fact that he was surrounded by cold, unmoving, and very dead bodies, “what exactly are we supposed to do when we find this necrophiliac jackass or whatever?”

Princess Luna stayed at the head of the party, lighting the way with her horn and metal hoofshoes echoing against the dusty floor with a solid clacking noise.

She squinted as she attempted to peer farther into the darkness, “The necromancer set up base in the deepest part of the crypt due to the thick, latent magic left to stagnate by the Unicorn’s bodies. The magus must have created a receptacle or a magic circle of sorts to collect the power and channel it into the earth, thus pulling husks of souls back into bodies and raising the dead. Destroying the receptacles will be all that’s necessary.”

“So break all the magic sh*t? I’m pretty good at that.”

Rarity pursed her lips, “I can’t seem to sense many more gems. We must be approaching the end of the crypt now, but no, spooky, creepy, necromancer to be seen… and I would have hoofed through all this… ickyness…. for no reason.”

“Not to worry, this mage is here. I can sense the familiar dark magic just ahead...” Luna patted Rarity on her back with a hoof, “and you’re doing a fantastic job, fair Rarity, stay stalwart.”

“Finally!” Rainbow cheered, “Some action instead of this boring walking…”

“Wow!” Spike suddenly commented, sending more echoes through the dusty halls, “I still can’t believe how easy this was.” Spike smiled and put a bit more of a swagger in his step, but the regular kind of swagger not the douche kind, “Think about it. We are literally just strolling right to the problem without having any conflict with each other, and this time, we’ve got another Princess to help us out in case things go sideways! How often do things go this easy for us?”

“Sure, Spike,” Twilight agreed, “but we still don’t know why this is happening.”

“Yeah, but we can worry about that after we take this evil wizard dude out. We always had to figure it out beforehand, but now we can just ask questions later. How crazy is it for things to go so safely for us?”

“Everyone, stop.” Lee abruptly commanded.

The party ceased their steps to his random order.

“Something’s doesn’t make a sh*t-stain of sense here.” Lee rubbed his neck as the answers began to interlock one after another, like a jigsaw puzzle, “Okay… there’s an emo magic junkie who’s makin’ zombies and sh*t, and he set up shop in some deep, underground home for dead Unicorn douches, right?”

Luna nodded her head slowly, “Yes, that is all true…”

“So,” Lee continued while gesturing with his arms, “we’re basically just prancing up to this dildo, in a crypt, who seems to be able to raise the dead whenever he wants… something’s not right here!”

Pinkie’s hoof shot up in the air while she excitedly hopped from leg to leg, “Oh, oh! I know what’s wrong!”

Lee sighed in relief, “Okay, Cream Pie seems to know, what is it?”

Pinkie Pie stopped her dance and gave the million dollar answer, “We’re going to stop a necromancer, a raiser of the dead, who holed his little self up in an enclosed space full to the brim of the dead, and we’re walking straight towards him, with no real Plan B, while we’re surrounded by dead ponies that could come to life at any moment and block off all possible exits, thus, sealing our fate!”

A nearby stone slab was pushed off, and shattered against the floor in a thought-breaking echo, signalling the start of a crisis. The next sound was the cold chattering of a skeleton breaking itself free of another stone plate, and the bones of another falling off of an open grave bed.

“Ah hate it when Pinkie’s right!” Applejack groaned as the growing number of flesh-free zombies began to stumble forward from both sides, mouth agape.

“Princess Luna,” Twilight shouted as the party was forced to group closer together, “we’re surrounded and we can’t use magic! What do we do now?”

The dark blue Princess responded by turning on her front hooves and bucking a brittle, ever-grinning skull into white shards, returning the body to natural death, “We have no choice but to use hoof and tooth to fight our way through!”

“That’s what I’m talkin’ about!” RD buzzed and zipped to the front and back of the party, kicking and punching the lunging skeletons of Unicorns back to stillness.

“While I’m not afraid of a little roughhousing,” Rarity argued with a slight frown, “we’d be in here for ages if we tried to bone-bust all these ghoulish Unicorns!”

Applejack grunted after dispatching of a pair of bone-bodies wearing a tuxedo and ball gown, “She’s right, and that’s if’n we don’t pass out from exhaustion and… Ah’ don’t wanna think about what comes after that.”

A metaphorical light bulb came to life above Twilight’s head,“Wait, I have an idea!” Pinkie Pie squeaked as Twilight reached into Pinkie’s voluminously poofy tail and removed the enormous and notorious Party Cannon.

Pinkie winked at Twilight’s triumphant grin, “Oh, I gotcha Twilight!” the party planner brought her combustible-good-times-blaster to face the nearest wave of formally dressed skeletons and released an explosive shower of confetti, balloons, and what looked like cake icing, evaporating the aristocratic zombies instantly. She turn the cannon to the volley of bones on the other side and let loose another assault of fun!

Except that nothing came out.

Pinkie frowned and looked into the cannon’s chamber, she looked back at the eagerly-awaiting group and only said, “We’re empty!” she snorted at the simultaneously clanging of dropped jaws, “Hey, this thing needs ammo too! And on the day that I actually get to have a Corpse Party…”

“Just f*ck the cannon!” Lee threw his arms up in the air, “I have another plan anyways.”

“And what’s that?” Twilight inquired with a raised eyebrow.

“Just run through them.”

“.....”

Lee rolled his eyes, and strained to pick up the heavily armored Fluttershy with only a single, metallic meep, “I… mean… using this one like a… battering ram… WILL YOU ASSHOLES HELP ME ALREADY?!”

Twilight glanced at Luna who just shrugged, saying, “‘Tis worth a shot!”

Fluttershy muttered, “I didn’t really give my permission for this, but you were all gonna do it anyways.”

Twilight, Luna, and Rarity, used their magic to levitate Tank-er-shy, taking most of the weight off of Lee’s shoulders, and Applejack, Spike, and Rainbow Dash took physical hold of Fluttershy the Rock with Lee.

“So ya just think we should run through like this?” Applejack asked?

“GO TEAM!”

“Excuse me?” Applejack asked, completely taken unawares by the warcry.

“FOOTBALL!”

Rainbow Dash had a double-take, “What the hay does hoofball have to do with this?”

“HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKKKEEE!!!!!” Lee put his shoulder into the armored-plates crook and initiated the charge through the high-class zombie skeletons.

The relentless blitzkrieg blasted through the cold bodies like melted butter-sauce, sending a seemingly endless shower of fragmented bones through the low ceiling of the catacombs. The maneuver was so successful and easy that everyone else joined in on the war cries.

In fact, the charge was so effective, that they broke into the chamber of the necromancer without even knowing it.

Lee finally saw that they had cleared the interminable hallways and yelled, “STOP!”

So they did.

They all stopped at the same time; physical pushing ceased, and magic holds released.

The only one who didn’t stop was Fluttershy, seeing as how the velocity they had been reaching did not allow her to.

Fluttershy’s adorably armored body let loose a high pitched, “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” as it sailed across the square room and met its stop at the body of a pony in the stereotypically black robe of a necromancer.

Everyone simultaneously cried, “Fluttershy!” not that saying her name really would have affected any outcome in any possible way, but that knowledge wouldn’t have stopped them from calling her name anyways.

The heavily-protected Pegasus struggled as she stood up and trotted away from the robed pony, “I’m okay!” she shouted over the groaning of the dark mage.

Luna smiled widely as she stepped over to the grounded form of the magus, “It looks as if your dead-raising days are over, foul wizard!”

At this point of the adventure, Spike decided to do something different than the norm, which usually involved staying and gasping with the group as they listened to some monologue. He decided to quietly walk further into the chamber and look for something.

The necromancer cackled and threw the hood off before facing the adventurers, “Don’t you know that looks are deceiving?” The gang simultaneously gasped (with the exception of Spike).

Pinkie Pie’s eyes widened, “Since when was Night Thumper a necromancer? Gee, I wish she told me that before so I could’ve thrown a party more suited to her hobbies...”

Spike recognized that name as the local Pegasus who had inexplicably chosen mortician-apprenticeship to make up for some student loans, but he would ooh and ahh later.

The intrepid dragon scratched his chin as he examined what looked to be an intricate magic circle full of stars and skull designs below his feet, made of some dark red substance.

“I’ve been waiting oh so long for this moment,” Night Thumper crooned.

“What the Hell kind of a necromancer is called Night Thumper?” Lee commented to seemingly everybody, “It’s more cute than scary.”

“It was recently that I discovered the dark arts!” Thumper dramatically boomed, “And this incredible, magic, power… see? You horned ones aren’t the only ponies who can learn to use a spell or two!”

“Recently?” Luna gaped, “Th-th-that’s completely impossible! Being able to raise the dead requires years upon years of knowledge and practice, especially without a horn!”

Spike grunted as he broke the magic circle by scratching out the connection with his scaly feet, “Better make sure there isn’t another circle or something else…” He took a quick glance at the floor, walls, and even the ceiling, but found no trace of the red markings.

Then he looked behind him and saw a small table next to a stool, “Oh.”

He climbed onto the stool and used it as a stepping stone to hop onto the wooden table, where he saw more markings, some paper scrolls covered in runes with strange pictures, and a couple of unidentifiable skulls with rolled up scrolls stuck in the eyeholes. “Guess I just burn it. Hm.”

“SO MANY THINGS are possible now,” Night Thumper giggled, “you don’t even know the extent of the power our Master has bestowed onto us!”

Twilight craned her neck to Luna and whispered, “‘Us’? That can’t be good.”

The air suddenly grew heavy and thick, as if some great, old, dark, thing, was taking up all the available space, “Yes. Yes! YES!” Thumper hailed as a second voice overlapped hers, “Now will come a new age! A dark age! Us followers will gain our reward for our dutiful faith, and HE will rise from the murk, enslaving you ALL UNDER HIS AWESOME MIGHT! THE MIGHT THAT HE BESTOWED UPON US!”

The foundations of the crypt trembled as her voice shook the ground. The tremors ceased and a complete guard of skeletons, clad in old, rusted armor paired with cracked spears leaped from the depths of the cracked earth. The skulls chattered as they menaced their spears and marched closer to the group, precisely encircling the unfortunate party, ready to close in and skewer the lot.

Then they fell to pieces and never moved again.

“WHAT?!?!” Night Thumper bellowed, “WHO COULD HAVE…. done this?”

Everyone was now aware of Spike the dragon who stood before a burning table full of old, necromantic items that were disappearing in wisps of smoke.

Spike caught their stares needling into his back, and he turned around, giving them all a shrug, “It just made the most sense to ask the long questions after getting rid of the zombie gear, well, at least to me.”

The stares switched to the now helpless and crazed necromancer, “Drats.”

Without saying a single word, Princess Luna conjured shackles to bind the hooves and wings of the clipped mage.

Luna dragged Night Thumper closer with the hard grip of her magic, “You have MUCH to answer for, necromancer.”

Thumper only laughed, which was the fifth or sixth time already so it stopped being creepy and was just annoying, “You still think this is it, don’t you? None of you insignificant specks have ANY idea how BIG this all is! THERE IS more of us, DOZENS. I was only the prelude to the horror...” all expression left her face, “... this is only the beginning of the end.”

Luna peered deeper into Night Thumper’s insane eyes, “She’s been ‘touched’ by something… she’s lost her mind to the will of… whoever this Master is. I’ve seen this before, but not of this totality.”

“And you.” Night Thumper’s words pierced Lee’s eardrums, sending goosebumps down his limbs, “None of this would have been possible. Without. You.”

The blue Alicorn sighed in exhaustion as a long held puzzle piece finally found its place, “Well, I think we now know who this Master is.” she saw the Element’s confused expressions and furrowed her brow, “I will take this, ‘Night Thumper’, to Canterlot for my sister to see. We have many questions. For now, do not mention the ramblings to the town ponies. It would only panic them. Now I must go raise the moon. Good night.”

Her horn briefly glowed before overtaking everyone’s senses, causing the scenery to disappear in a flash of purple magic.

Lee and Spike walked around the moonlit streets of Ponyville some time after the zombie disaster, just for the purpose of walking.

And to get the zombie, necromancers, and dark Master stuff out of their system.

“Wow, that nightmare sounds horrible!” Spike remarked after Lee finished the full account of Luna’s dreamwalk.

Lee worked out some cracks in his neck, “Yeah it was some real spooky sh*t. I’m just surprised none of the hoofed faggots got bit.”

Spike shrugged, “Well, you know how scared these ponies get. They probably ran home the second somepony saw something.”

“I guess.”

Lee yawned and checked the time on his phone, it read seven-thirty on the dot, “This is the first time we didn’t learn anything about gayness or friendship or whatever the f*ck means something here. It kinda feels like a damn waste.”

“Hm. You’re right.” Spike frowned and his spines drooped, “Now this whole thing really did feel pointless.

That was when cheers and hollers splintered the calmness of the night. The shouts of joy seemed to come from the town square, which the walking pair were not too far from. The only words they could make out were, “She’s back, she’s back!” Naturally, they were more than interested.

Lee scratched his head, “Is the stripper parade here or something?”

“I don’t know about that,” Spike laughed, “but we should probably go check anyways.”

They turned around and began to run down the road leading back to the plaza. When they reached the cheers, they saw a large circle of celebrating, jubilant ponies, and Pegasi whirling through the air.

Lee got on all fours and headbutted his way through, tossing whoever didn’t budge over his back like a bucking bull. It was a very effective strategy.

Once they finally got through, Lee and Spike saw a wheeled cart holding two ponies. One was a small, grey, unicorn filly who was fiercely clutching the other mare with closed eyes, and seemed to be a lighter grey Pegasus with blonde hair.

Lee put an ear to the crowds and discerned the name they started to chant, it was… “Derpy! Derpy! Derpy!” Lee pursed his lips, then looked down at Spike, figuring he would know something about this.

Spike was standing completely still, eyes wide and pupils small, mouth open, hands hanging loosely at his side, seeming to have lost complete notice of the loud crowds and happiness around him.

“What horse is this supposed to be, L’il Nig?”

Spike did not even look at Lee when he said, “That’s Ditzy Doo, she’s been missing since before you crashed here… no one could find her.”

Lee frowned, not understanding Spike’s lack of spirit, “And now she’s back, and sleeping or whatever… isn’t that a good thing?”

“She hasn’t woken up yet,” Spike pointed a finger at her body, “but her little sister is yelling at her to get up..!”

Lee listened closely to the small Unicorn, and at the same time, noticed there were tears falling.

She kept crying out, “Wake up! Why won’t you wake up?”

Spike shook his head slowly, “Lee, why isn’t she moving?”

Author's Note

HOLY SH*T THIS IS A LONG CHAPTER.

I thought it was kind of funny that the zombie problem was a lot easier than most movies made them to be.

Snarl.

Gogurt hummed a cheery tune as he popped the strawberries skewered on his claws into his mouth. He skipped and smiled between the berry bushes, not believing the fortune he came upon in the Equestrian town. It had been too long since he had good strawberries that were not bruised or tasteless, like the ones he so often found in Walmart back home. In fact, these strawberries were the best he had ever tasted.

“Enjoying the spoils, boy?” Fenrir croaked from within his mind.

“Yes, I’m enjoying them very much. Quite a step up from the trashcan pie I had the other night.”

“While berries are all good and tasty…. when are you going to consume some FLESH?”

“Gee, Fenrir, I dunno, maybe when all the livestock stops being SENTIENT.”

“I suggest that you procure earplugs, they drown out the annoying cries of mercy well enough so you may eat in peace.”

“See, I don’t think you understand, that is only PART of the problem. At least these claws are handy.”

Gogurt could hear Fenrir snicker, “Ah, yes, they terrified that other town VERY nicely.”

“I’m… I’m starting to think you aren’t really much of a good guy.”

“Perhaps, anti-hero would be better to say?”

Gogurt shrugged, and made way to the lone house at the head of the orchard. He sat down on a rocking chair and eyed the sleeping, old, blind mare (who probably owned
the fields) as she snored on another rocker next to him. The strange pony seemed to give Gogurt no mind. Either she was too blind and old to notice that vile presence, or she simply did not care about such things anymore. Of course, she could just be senile.

He leaned back into the chair, relishing the creak in the chair's woodwork, “I have a feeling that this terrorizing thing I’m doing is gonna make our trip complicated.”

“And what makes you say that?” Fenrir asked.

“Well, I’ve scared about two towns half to death, and that was before I even hopped that train out of the Crystal Empire. Just look at this…” Gogurt leaned over to snatch the day’s newspaper from the coffee table between the chairs.

He flipped through the papers until he read:

Monster from the Crystal Empire’s Anniversary Celebration still at Large!

“And what of it?” Fenrir growled in annoyance, “This is only the rumoring garbage tabloids. Strange monsters come to these lands quite often. This certainly is not the first time a beast tried to interrupt some yearly celebration, and you have yet to cause any damage, at least, not enough to warrant a large-scale manhunt. Focus on the goals at hand.”

Gogurt curled his lip, “Hey, no one wants to kick Chrysalis’s hole-y ass more than me. I just can’t help but wonder exactly why everyone loses their shit the second they see
me. I mean, yeah, I look like some hairless alien to them, but you’d think they would at least try to reason before running.”

Fenrir rumbled, “I’m not sure myself. You DO carry some archaic, deliciously-evil malice… but I can’t place a claw on why.”

The human raised his eyebrows and reached inside his jacket. He took grip of the familiarly leathery book which brought him here that he kept safe under the coat. He pulled it out and peered at the twisted skull.

“I’m pretty sure it has something to do with this…. hello?”

Fenrir had suddenly frozen up.

“That… throw it away.”

“What? I kinda need it, it might get me outta—”

“TOSS IT AWAY, NOW!” Fenrir’s howling order was so intense and loud it rattled Gogurt’s skull.

“AH, ALRIGHT ALRIGHT!!” Gogurt rose, took a running start, cocked his arm back, and flung the dark tome in a large arc, deep into the orchard. Fenrir’s hand certainly aided in the distance.

“Damn, what’s up with you?!”

“That book BLEEDS hatred and power, who knows what kind of curse is placed on it. Just count yourself blessed that it hasn’t ended you yet.”

Gogurt smiled, suddenly realizing that he could have asked this anciently arcane being of ice and snow about all of his otherworldly troubles, “Great! That means you must know what the Hell that damn Necronomicon is?”

“No.”

“Shit.”

“There’s something… off. The artifact smells older than I… but the hatred and malice smells fresher. Whatever this thing is, it must have existed past my domain, and I know nothing except that it is DANGEROUS.”

“Wow, that is very helpful and specific. Like, if I were to have a list of people to ask for helpful and specific things, you would be sooo high on that list, you would go past the edge.”

“..... are you being sarcas—”

“—YES, DAMMIT.”

“What’s all the ruckus for, Grandma?” a young, green earth pony mare walked out from the inside of the house.

Then she spotted the human reclining in the rocking chair, smiling at her, with berries stuck on great, white, scaly claws.

Gogurt raised an eyebrow, “You come here often?”

“Wow, you really have been waiting a long time to use that, haven’t you?”

“Why do you gotta be such a cynical ass?”

“LOOK WHO’S TALKING.”

Gogurt chuckled, “Oh yeah, you’re right.”

The mare’s pupils shrank to raisins as she backed away, stuttering and gasping, taking in the alien rocking in the chair, “C-C-C-CRAZY MONSTER!!!!!!”

Gogurt squinted, “Yeah, it probably did look like I was having a conversation with myself. The crazy thing makes sense now.”

The pony grabbed her grandma by the hoof, and galloped away announcing to the whole town, “HELP! HELP! THERE’S A MONSTER IN THE BERRY ORCHARD!”

Almost immediately, the town’s sirens and bells began to blare through the entire settlement.

“Why didn’t you freeze her?!” Fenrir scolded.

“Because then they would have a reason to hunt and kill me!” Gogurt could already hear the clippity-clop of more ponies rushing to capture whatever beast they
assumed he was, “Better get to the train!”

The alien leaped from the chair and sprinted towards the wooden fence that boarded up the orchard. He crouched, dove clear over the fence, rolled when he hit the other
side, jumped back to his feet, and kept running without missing a beat.

“I still can’t get over how AWESOME you’re making me!”

“Heh, heh... and it only gets better!”

Gogurt smiled ear to ear as he dashed through the town’s bricked pathways, running past wailing ponies and swooping Pegasi. The clawed enhancements provided by
Fenrir’s soul proved very effective in many aspects, and Gogurt was loving it.

It was not long until he was halted by a tall barricade of overturned tables and sandbags, manned by what appeared to be the local authority. He looked to his left and right, seeing similar but smaller blocks pushed into place by the townsponies.

“There’s nowhere to run, monster!”

This was strange, no one ever tried to make him stay put before, and a fortification like that would have at least required an entire day to put together.

Gogurt instead slowed to a squat in front of the barricade, much to the cautious relief of the stallion who had spoken before.

“Good! Now just wait for the..”

The stallions voice trailed off as the human sailed over the the top of the block, the remnants of volatile, blue fire from the hollow spines on Fenrir’s legs casted twinkling embers into the wind.

“YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!” Gogurt cried as he soared through the air, feeling the wind scrape through every fold and corner of his body. It felt like he was really flying. Those combusting blue flames sure had a lot of power, but he handled it with grace.

Until he crashed, headfirst, through a series of wooden carts and vendor stands that were filled with now pulverized goods.

“Oooooooow….”

“You really need to see before you soar.” Fenrir chuckled.

As he groaned from the bruises under the wreckage, Gogurt saw that this was his chance to give the slip. He looked to a nearby dark alley between two houses. He silently
crawled out of the rubble and crawled into the alley.

He ignored the ponies checking the destruction for any sign of his body, and quietly made his way to the train station. Luckily, the town ponies had a helpful series of signs that directed Gogurt down the proper paths. He stuck to running between the cover of buildings or shadows to avoid the citizen’s watchful eyes.

He had to stop. Before him were a Unicorn mare and a Pegasus stallion, both standing at the next turn to the train stop. Gogurt looked around to see if there was any other path or conveniently placed rocks to hide behind. Unfortunately, there was a scattering of even more citizens in this street. This must have been where most of them ran off to when Gogurt first appeared.

“What the shit am I supposed to do now?” he whispered.

Fenrir’s sigh echoed in Gogurt’s head, “You should probably write down all the new things I’ve granted you….”

The human remembered back to when he first meshed with Fenrir, and a grin of enlightenment sparked across his face, “Oh yeah!”

He looked to the turn, and then he disappeared in a wisp of icy wind. He reappeared behind a tree, dissipated again, and coalesced right behind the chatting pair that had blocked his way. He was only inches away from the chatting couple.

Actually, they were not chatting, they were arguing.

“You never had faith in my dreams, Starry!”

“Your dreams was a startup company that delivered fertilizer and pizza at the same time! Why would anyone want to buy pizza from a pony who puts literal crap next to his pizza dough!”

“Farmers would buy it, Starry, FARMERS WOULD!”

It looked like the arguing kept them completely oblivious. And would probably ruin their relationship. It was a terrible startup idea anyway.

Gogurt shook his head and walked towards the train station just ahead.

The stowaway yawned as he sat on the cushy cardboard box full of fragile treasures, feeling the train rumble and roar over the iron tracks. There was nothing left to do but wait. The train would not go through the Badlands, but it would eventually pass close by. From there, all he would have to do is hop off and leg it to the castle. However, Gogurt already knew that there were some problems with this plan.

For one, he still only had a tourist's knowledge Equestria. He learned of the races, the twin rulers, and the Elements of Harmony, but his info stopped at the obvious. The most of what he knew of the land was by the map he snagged from the trash in some backwater town a few nights ago. He had no idea of the history, the dangers, the law, or really anything beyond the surface. The human thought that Fenrir might have had some knowledge of the land for him, but the cold-wolf-dragon-ice-thing kept entirely to himself.

Another problem was what exactly he planned on doing upon reaching the castle. He has yet to know the extent of whatever strength he received, and he almost did not wish to learn. Would taking more of Fenrir’s soul be detrimental in the long run? Putting two souls inside a body, disregarding that one of them is nonhuman and a somewhat metaphysical being, sounded like the most dangerous and stupidest thing he had ever done. Putting the any possible effects aside, Gogurt did not have any knowledge of Chrysalis’s power. He was essentially running in blind.

But he did not care.

Not an edgy or teenage angsty apathy, he was just numb. What options did he have anyway? If he spent any more time waiting or scheming, than Ditzy and Reginald would become dry husks, devoid of life and emotion, waiting for death.

Well, if that has not happened already.

Then finally, there was Fenrir. Despite sharing the same body, it seemed that Fenrir could not hear his thoughts. Gogurt had taken on this spirit’s proposal out of
desperation, but what exactly did the thing want?

“Hey, Fenrir?”

“What do you want?”

“Well, I was gonna ask you the same question.”

“Hm..?”

Gogurt rolled his eyes, “I mean, what do you want to do now that you’re out?”

Fenrir froze again, caught off-guard by the question, “I… haven’t thought too much about that.”

“... you’re joking, right?”

The ice entity growled, “If you do not remember, the first item on the agenda was to leave that wretched prison, and not to waste away in silent death.”

The human grimaced, “I see that, but those things are checked off now, right? So what’s the plan for you now, redo the whole frozen domain deal? You seem pretty pumped when you were talking about it before.”

Fenrir’s growls ceased, “No.”

“What? Why?” Gogurt sat upright as he felt more invested in the conversation, “That was your entire deal. Incarnation of the cold, land of ice, only the real survivors will live,
the whole shebang, right?”

“First and most obvious…” Fenrir sighed, “I don’t think you would let that happen. I am under your control, technically. You seem to be one of those mushy, moral upholding types. I doubt you would let a possible third of the population be wiped out.”

Gogurt nodded, “Okay, you’re probably right about that. What else?”

Fenrir continued, “Second, is that there is no point. The only thing that my reign has brought me is pain and hatred. In fact, it looks as if the inhabitants of the cold realms are right where they need to be, without my spread of power. Since I kept to me, I have no comrades to return to or to get help from. If I were to exert my longing once more, the ponies would oppose me again, and those damned Princesses would rise to their call, locking me in some other Hell, whether it be Tartarus or a frilly grotto. It’s pointless.
And even if I wanted, what would come of it? I’ve forced myself to survive as a weapon for an alien who took pity on a former lord of frozen crags and blizzards. Any legacy I had was slaughtered like helpless lambs long ago. I don’t even know if I can ever be whole again. So, in conclusion, I do not exactly know what I want, since I have nothing, and can get nothing.”

Fenrir’s words hit Gogurt like a speeding eighteen-wheeler. The old king was in the same boat as him. They were stuck and helpless. No place. No home. No friends or family.

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

“I suppose there is one thing you can do.” Gogurt said with a smile.

Fenris yawned, “And what’s that?”

“Celestia and Luna, they’re the ones who locked you up, right?”

He rumbled upon hearing their names, “... yes.”

“Well, for a couple of Princesses who seem to tote the idea of justice, harmony, love, and friendship, they didn’t really live up to anything they were supposed to
when your cubs were taken away, right?”

Fenris’s snarls began to fill Gogurt’s head, “YES… THEY. DID. NOTHING. THEY TOOK IT ALL FROM ME. THEY. LEFT. ME. WITH. NOTHING.”

Gogurt frowned and held up his hands, “Hold on, tiger, uh, wolf, I’m not talking about bloody vengeance or anything like that.”

The spirit’s snarls faded away, “Then what EXACTLY do you propose?”

Gogurt lowered his hands, relieved that most of the anger died down, “Well, this is going to sound kind of lame, but we don’t really have many options since we BOTH could get imprisoned forever. I propose that we SHOW them what they’ve done.”

“Excuse me?”

“Yeah… yeah! Show these royal, white-knight assholes what their fantastic decisions have done.”

“So.. a pity party?”

“No, no, you’re not gettin’ me. I mean to show these dickless shit-for-brains what good they’ve done.” he jumped to his feet and began pacing around the rumbling cargo, “These royals, from what I’ve learned, seem to be super idealistic, meaning if we show them how they’ve utterly contradicted their own beliefs, it could send them into a emotionally hysteric tailspin, causing the country to fall into ruins and spawn a possible uprising in the common ponies! Well, that last part is a stretch, but it is something.”

Fenrir paused as Gogurt nodded his head in approval of the longshot of a plan.

Then the frigid lord laughed. A genuinely, happy, mirthful, positive laugh that Gogurt had never heard from the sulking wolf.

Fenrir roped in his laughs to say, “How moronic.”

“I mean, you don’t have to be a dick about it, but—”

“—No.” Fenrir interrupted, “I mean to say that the effects of confronting those wretched Alicorns would not be nearly as dramatic… they’re made of sterner stuff than you think.”

Gogurt raised his eyebrows, “Seriously? One of them has a rainbow in her mane.”

Fenrir grunted, “You’d be surprised… but perhaps confronting them would not be such a bad idea.”

“Well, if starting some French Revolution type of deal is out, what do you want to do?”

“Show them. Show them what they’ve reduced a mighty ice king to, a beggar at the beck and call of some foreigner. I want to SEE THOSE QUEENS. I want them to SEE howmuch better they think they really are.”

“You do know that’s pretty much exactly what I said, right?”

“Shut up. I don’t really care about what happens to them. Maybe I want the satisfaction of rubbing my escape in their face. I… it’s something, savvy?”

Gogurt decided not to bother Fenrir about his malformed goals, since he still was not sure of his own ambitions.

He smiled and said, “Tell ya what: after we get the changeling thing sorted out, the first thing we’ll do is head to Celestia and Luna, then, uh, let the rest follow. Is that good?”

“I suppose. I still find it hard to believe I’ve been reduced to the pawn of some convicted creature, whereas I USED to have an entire palace formed of permafrost bricks… now I just have the head of an idiot who thought it would be an amusing idea to pick up a terribly cursed book.”

“Oh, waaaahh. Cry about it later. And I got rid of it, didn’t I?” Gogurt looked himself up and down, “See, no evil miasma, right? I’m just glad that I’m clean now, none of that running and screaming from a single look anymore.”

“But it’s not gone.”

“What?”

“That scent is still there, I forgot about it, but then you mentioned it. You still smell like a devourer of souls or killer of orphans. I suppose one grows used to the scent of unfathomable evil after a certain point.”

Gogurt frantically patted himself down, “That’s impossible! I threw that…” until he felt a hard object tucked into his jacket, in front of his stomach.

He slowly unzipped the tattered jacket, droplets of sweat condensing on his forehead while the feeling of dread quickened with every inch undone. He slipped a hand inside, gripped the tough, wrinkled, texture tight, and removed a smiling, cackling, leather bound curse with a sharp tug, as if the skull had been latched to his stomach like some demonic parasite.

He took it in both hands, looked into the beady red eyes of the book, and cried, “MOTHERF*CKER!”

Then a random blue bolt of magic energy burned a smoking hole near his left foot.

Gogurt frowned, crinkled his nose, and examined the entrance hole the bolt left through the armored ceiling of the train car above him, “Hm.”

Then another spear punched through the metal, a little closer to his body this time, “What’s going on here?” and this was followed by another missile. Then another. And another.

Fenrir finally boomed, “STOP STANDING LIKE A SLACK-JAWED JACKDAW IN THE MIDST OF THE TIDES!”

“W… what?”

“MOVE, YOU IMBECILE!”

“Oh!” the daydreaming human took a running start before diving for the iron door on the other side of the car, just as a zipping volley of magic javelins peppered smoldering bits through the precious cargo.

He threw the gate open and stepped outside of the cargo hold, “I was going to move! I was just kinda…”

“Mesmerized by the pretty colors?”

“Well, that’s part of it.”

Gogurt braced himself against the railing of the cart as the train experienced turbulence. He squinted as he clenched the rough bars, watching the vividly colored landscapes of Equestria blur together like some disorderly collage designed in a children’s art class. He inwardly remarked on its beauty, but then an all too familiar voice broke through his admiration.

“I know you’re there, Sexy Beast! You better turn yourself in before you make any more trouble for yourself!”

Gogurt felt Fenrir’s cringing confusion, “Sexy Beast? What… just… what?”

“I’m not very creative with names,” the alien admitted with a sigh.

“Did you not hear me?” the commanding voice shouted over the train’s cacophonous noise, “Come to the top and face us! You really don’t want us to come in after you!”

Gogurt flared a nostril in ire, “I’m comin’, damn it!” He looked back to the door and spotted the metal ladder leading to the top of the train car.

He gripped the bars and heaved himself to the roof of the rust-red train car. He carefully rose to his feet and balanced himself so that the speeds of the moving machine wouldn’t immediately throw him off to the side, although he was not doing a very good job of that.

Fenrir snorted, “Again, you should do well to write these things down.”

“I keep forgetting I can do this…” He changed to Fenrir’s legs and clenched the taloned toes tight against the metal, forming a steadfast grip into the yielding iron of the roof,
“There we go! Now that’s handy, or should I say, foot-y?”

“If I listen to one more pun on this trip…”

“So, here you are.”

Gogurt looked a train car ahead and stared at the calling stallion he remembered from that particularly explosive festival. Captain Shining Armor stood upon the vibrating car, mane flapping through his helmet, eyes blazing, like some white knight ready to take down the snivelling villain and be the hero.

Except that this snivelling villain was having a hard time looking in that direction because of the particularly slicing winds.

The Captain also brought some of his subordinates. Beside Shining Armor was another Unicorn with a readied spell dancing around his horn, and behind him were two Pegasi, wings primed for flight.

This was not an ideal situation. Most of what Gogurt was used to dealing with were the occasional stallions that tried to look like some badass in front of their marefriends, but all they did was give him the stink-eye and wait a couple of seconds before running so that they looked like they chose the battle. It worked for the stallions for the most part, but it left the monster with no experience.

Before any dramatic monologue, the human had to get one gripe out of the way, “So were you the prick that kept shooting death lasers at me just now?”

Shining nodded, giving no expression, “Just a harmless Stunning Bolt, nothing would have come if it hit you.”

“Harmless Stunning Bolt my BROWN ASS!” Gogurt screamed, “That shit burned a HOLE through metal! And, second, how did you even find me?”

“Enough whining, already!” Shining Armor shouted with a sweep of his hoof, “But to answer your question, we followed the trend of the towns you menaced, and our investigators were able to figure out which trains and towns you were going to stow on next. I've seen FOALS hide their tracks better than you. Now… this caster is going to bind you, and then we’ll escort you’re terrorizing little self to Canterlot where you’ll have MANY crimes to answer for!”

“I didn’t do SHIT!” Gogurt sharply spat with an indignant stomp, surprising himself with the venom in the words. “The only shame I have is eating a pie out of the TRASH. DO YOU KNOW HOW DISGUSTING THAT IS? And you know what's even MORE shameful? I ACTUALLY LIKED IT! I'VE DEVELOPED THE PALETTE OF A HOBO!”

Shining Armor’s nostrils flared, “You’re not the first monster I’ve heard that from... well, except the pie part. Every one of them, ‘I’m just a victim! I did what I had to do!’”

A spark of anger suddenly flashed in the accused boy, compounded by Fenrir’s increasing snarls and heavy breathing. He wasn’t an easy person to anger, so this was quite a new feeling.

“I’m telling you, I’ve done NOTHING. AT. ALL.”

“I’m not going to listen to the whinings of some beast who won’t own up to anything he’s done. Not to some THING that won’t answer for the villages he’s terrified, to the foals he inspired weeks of nightmares, to the attempted robbery of a relic that was the ONLY thing keeping an entire empire safe from danger!” the Captain stopped his tirade to catch his breath, stifling his wheezes and coughs, “You remind me of Sombra. I… I can tell from just looking at your dead eyes, that you just don’t care.”

This was ridiculous, Gogurt thought, how could this overzealous guardsman think he was some soulless monster? Was his trek from the Crystal Empire really overblown to
the haunting of a nightmarish boogeyman with nothing but apathetic destruction on his mind? What brought on this hate-fueled judgement?

Oh, he knew why.

Laughing… he could hear laughing now. He could feel the chattering jaws of the leather skull scrape and scratch his skin. He could almost see the burning red eyes, kindled by the hurt.

The laughing, the accusing, the snarling, and the absolute helplessness, it all goaded that depraved ember into a crackling fire.

Fenrir exhaled and snickered, “I wouldn’t mind devouring this decorated fool!”

The frozen wolf’s gnashing and growling began to encompass all of the human’s senses, filling his head his head with nothing but the thoughts of hungry teeth and the obstacle of a Captain before him.

“I’ll say this again,” Shining Armor slowly said, taking a few steps forward, “stand down, and we won’t have to use force. And you DON’T want that. You’re outnumbered, and with this running train, you have nowhere to run.”

The next sentence to leave Gogurt’s mouth sounded like there were two voices behind it, one old and hungry, and the other was just hungry.

He scowled and crossed his arms, “DO something, BITCH.”

Everyone immediately froze. It was almost like the very wind ceased at this moment.

Shining Armor raised an eyebrow and cracked a smile, “Excuse me, what did you say?”

It was also at this specific moment that Gogurt realized what he did. By an emotional spur, he called a highly-trained, expert level guardsman and prince of the Crystal Empire the derogative term for a female dog.

“Uh oh, I’m in deep shit,” he thought, but then he decided to go with the boat he set for himself.

“I’m sorry,” Gogurt said with a level voice and raised hands, “I meant to say that it SUCKS that your wife isn’t here to see the little BITCH you’re being!”

“Yes, YES!” Fenrir cheered, “You brought his female into the fray, how excellent!”

Shining Armor forced a laugh, and pulsed an ominously deep purple current in his horn, “You have no idea what pain you just brought upon yourself…”

Fenrir howled, “Now, strike him with another splash of venomous rhetoric, lay the peacocking idiot low by a lance of wit!”

Shining turned to the Unicorn at his side, “Ready the—”

“—C’mon, bitch.”

The random and well-thought command interrupted whatever process Shining and his guards had.

“Did he just—”

“—C’mon, bitch!”

“If you don’t stop—”

“—C’mon, bitch!”

“I’M SERIOUSLY going to—”

“—C’MON, BITCH!!!!”

The Unicorn guard rolled his eyes, “I’ve had enough of this.” and released the sparking blue charge in his horn... the same blast that punctured all those holes in the roof.
Gogurt’s eyes widened as the bolt speared towards him, only being able to watch as it arced to his chest. Luckily, having a second conscience means that a mental nudge is all that is needed to move one out of the way.

He twisted to the side, and saw the laser burn through the roof behind him.

Gogurt looked back at the caster and scowled, “So it was THIS NIGGA who’s been throwing Avada Kedavras around!”

Another spell whizzed past him, “So, do I just run at him?”

“Watch out for the Pegasi…”

“Huh? Oh shi—” he ducked just as the pair swooped over his head, before circling and flanking Gogurt in a swift and practiced maneuver. They landed on either side of him and flared their wings. The Pegasi were not moving, why were they just standing?”

“It’s a distraction, duck!”

Fenrir’s sudden bellows spurred Gogurt to dive and tumble forward, narrowly dodging the flashing spells that flew just over the Pegasi, making a zzziiippp! as they whistled past.

Unfortunately he slid to a halt right under the grinning figure of a Pegasus.

“I got you now!”

The guard took the chance to quickly stomp a steel-shod hoof on Gogurt’s chest, sending blistering pain through his sternum and shocking the breath from his lungs, all
while effectively trapping him to the vibrating roof of the train.

Fenrir showed no sympathy towards the human as he writhed in agony, “There is still something you can do to get out, can you not?”

Gogurt sighed, “My memory really sucks ass today.” and disappeared in a gust of snow.

The Pegasus Guard stumbled as his hoof sank through the swirling, cold air, “What the..!”

Gogurt reformed above the guard, “THIS.”

He clenched Fenrir’s frozen hands together and raised them high, “IS.”

“SO.” And smashed the plated haymaker onto the shelled cranium of the Pegasus, cracking the helmet and knocking him out, causing his unconscious body to topple off the side of the train.

Gogurt landed where the Guard stood and shouted, “BADASS—OH HELL, is he okay?”

He searched the dusty brown ground rushing by the train to see the Pegasus was rolling away from the train, groaning, and covered in bruises, but otherwise still alive.

“Oh, he’s fine.”

“You shouldn’t be concerned about that winged pansy’s welfare…”

“Quit being such a dick!” Gogurt shouted back.

Shining Armor cocked his head to the side, taken aback by the human yelling into the air, “Who are you talking to?”

“Don’t tell him, he’s stupid.”

Gogurt shrugged, “No one important.”

“You CUR! Oh, and, the other Pegasus is behind you.”

“Huh? Oh HELL NAW!” Gogurt spinned around and slid back with his left arm, catching the swooping Guard across the neck with the heavily armoured scales around Fenrir’s
elbow. The instant contact was made, a blast of cold energy arced through the stallion’s body, causing a cocoon of ice to sprout from the impact, and freeze him to the roof.

“Wow! I didn’t even know I could—AGH!” Gogurt clutched his side, feeling the magic bolt send its burning jolts through his insides, “Geez, that really stings! Ow!”

Gogurt could do nothing but cover his head with his armored hands as Shining Armor and the remaining Unicorn released a relentless volley of purple and blue missiles from three or four train cars away, burning and blasting arcane misery through his body.

He felt the mystical effects of the bolts inflame every exposed area on his anatomy, and could only think about shrinking or running from the torment as his vision slowly blurred and faded to black.

But then he heard gnashing.

Snarling, gnashing, angered teeth that filled every thought, a sensation similar to before, but this time, he did not mind the invasion.

“I remember these spells…” the growling spoke, “these bee-stings that they imagined would be enough to dethrone a white drake. They unearth memories… memories of… chains? Rebellion? Majesty? A fall?" a heavy, pulsating throb echoed in their minds, "I grow weary of it.”

The human slowly opened his eyes, noticing the bloodshot streaks thumping his sight, and he saw that the snarling that was all he could hear.

A bone chilling roar ripped from his throat, but was it his own?

The spines on his legs begin to spout blue flames, propelling him car across two cars with two running steps, keeping his head low to dodge most of the stunning spears.

A congealing mass of cold power built and squirmed in his left fist, struggling to find some release. He smashed both feet down in a squared stance, causing him to grind to a halt, emitting a high-pitched squeal as the talons dug into the roof. He quickly cocked his arm back, and punched at the Unicorn Guard, spitting the blue, quivering sphere at the caster in blinding speeds.

PHTHOOM!

Immediately knocking the guard onto his back and freezing him in a messy, uneven case of ice. Shining Armor, however, was gone!

Gogurt heard a fwip! and saw that he was surrounded by a strange, transparent, purple, bubble.

“I’d like to see you get out of that.” the Captain said from behind Gogurt’s trapped figure, sauntering to the front to face him, “Shield and barrier spells are my specialty, so I—”

CRACK!

Millions of twinkling, purple shards showered the flinching Captain as a single, flame-propelled punch shattered the barrier.

Shining shook his head, and opened his eyes to see the monster crouched below him, arm cocked back and charged with pulsing, cobalt light.

“EAT,” his spines erupted azure fire, thrusting him from the crouch and driving an explosive uppercut to Shining’s royal chin, “SHIT!”

Gogurt watched his scaly hand send Shining Armor arcing, tumbling head over hoof in the air, slowly freezing over, seeing small purple pieces of mystical glass scatter in the
wind. The shrewd Captain must have had some sort of shield enchantment on his body. Shining Armor would probably leave with nothing more than a cracked jaw.

But was the punishing, scaly hand his?

Gogurt realized that his heart was racing a mile a minute. He blinked several times, noticing that all the redness in his sight was gone.

“Did that just happen?”

“Whelp, the Badlands!”

Fenrir’s rasping voice shook Gogurt out of his stupor. He looked to the right, and as the nagging specter said, there was the vast, sandy, windy, dust filled wasteland known as the Badlands.

And it was all under a cliff next to a moving train.

“Well, this wouldn’t be the first time I rolled down a cliff…” with that, Gogurt leaped off the train and over the edge of the crags.

“You know, I think there was a path further down the way.”

“What, really?” He glaced down as he reached that point of weightlessness in the jump and observed how far away the ground really was from him, and realized how
close bone-shattering death was as well, “Ah, crap…”

“Oh, you’ll be fine, the series of bushes and hards roots that you’re smashing through seem to be deadening the fall.”

Some Time later...

“Fi…. Finally. I’m here..! Heh heh!”

The tattered traveler looked at the dirty brown ground below his feet, slowly lifting his gaze to the winding, precarious, serpentine path that met the grey, rugged fortress perched like some dark gargoyle on top of the cliff, overlooking a large, murky lake under a yellowed full moon, casting its light across the perilous lands that the traveler found himself in.

In front of him was an old, rusty, cast iron gate, decorated with a crest in the shape of Queen Chrysalis’s head, guarded by two massive goblets burning with massive green flames, the only obstacles left in his path. Ever since that fall into the Badlands, he had to traverse the wastes, using whatever direction he gathered during the train hoppings to find the castle.

It was a chilly hike full of strange creatures and sites, some dangerous, some only odd. The long venture through those tribulations gave him new scars and weary muscles. There were caves, landslides, rivers, all a mixture of beauty and peril, but he was tired of it all. He was tired of walking. On the plus side, the few days journey gave him much opportunity to practice the esoteric abilities Fenrir gave him. The change felt much more natural now, to the point that he seldom used his human hands or feet.

But now, he was finally here, Changeling Castle, the goal that had been a blinding beacon through the seemingly hopeless walk. Here were those he left behind, the only ones who had befriended him when he was lost in this new and frightening world. A debt unpaid lied somewhere in that castle.

Despite the creeping feeling that something was fraying within... he had been relentless in his pursuit.

“Here we are, boy.” Fenrir whispered the first time that day, “What do you know of the insects that haunt that castle?”

Gogurt kept his stare on the castle, “Queen Chrysalis the changeling queen, and her drones.”

Fenrir snickered, “Yes, a Queen who has her entire army at her beck and call. A Queen whose extent of power is still unknown to us. How exactly do you plan on accomplishing this task of yours?”

“Well, from what I understand,” Gogurt explained as he prodded the creaky grate with a claw, “Chrysalis and her army isn’t as strong as it used to be. So, at least the numbers shouldn’t be too much of a problem.”

“Is that all?”

“Well, she probably ALSO thinks I’m dead, so I suppose the surprise factor works in my favor.”

“You still haven’t said anything of your plan..”

He scratched his chin, feeling a small, curly beard twist beneath his claws, causing a brief urge to shave to resurface in his memory, “I’m just gonna stealth it out, and hope for the best.”

“Hope for the best? Really?”

“Yep, let’s go.”

The pilgrim disappeared in a flurry of snow, flowed through the spaces between the bars, and reformed on the other side. Best avoid any noise from opening a creaky door, or the whole operation could go up in flames, like they so often did.

He took a deep breath, pulled the frayed hood of his jacket over his head, and began the long walk up the twisting path that led to the changeling stronghold. As he walked, he looked over the sheer drop off of the walkway, noting the icy waters that swam about far below. This walk to the dark castle felt like he was stepping to the final boss in some video game, all he needed was a heavy and sinister orchestral music piece to complete it all. He ignored the dread and fear rising in his gut, and marched on.

The nomad finally reached the top of the hill and stopped to examine his surroundings. Around him were miniature houses and buildings, covered in a thick coating of lime-green slime. This must have been the remains of the village of ever-adoring animals that Chrysalis used as food.

He trudged past the small village and came upon the entrance to the grim castle, in the shape of a small series of grey steps, culminating in huge, brown, oak gates housed by a sloping roof and glowering gargoyles.

Seeing no other entrance into the castle, no windows or crawlspaces, he decided to head through the massive doors.

He placed his shoulder against the wooden door, and heaved it open, earning a long and painful groan that could be heard from a mile away, “There goes my secret entry…”

Gogurt stepped inside the abandoned fortress that housed the changelings, letting the door to creak as it shut behind him.

That was when he noticed he had not seen a single changeling at all.

“You know, I expected this place to be a lot better guarded.”

“Human, you’re going up against beings that survive by camouflage and subterfuge. I doubt that guarding would be how they chose to protect their stronghold. Honestly, I think this whole sneaking idea you have is pointless with these cowards.”

“Eh, you’re probably right, might as well just stroll to the boss…” Gogurt shrugged and took the interior of the bastion into his eyes, before letting out a moan and dropping to his knees, “Really… THIS SHIT?!”

Stairs.

Nothing but an endless amount of staircases, sprawling from one end to another, ceiling to floor, winding in impossible ways, all leading to doors, much like a famous piece of art he had seen at home.

And it drove him mad.

“HOW THE HELL am I supposed to navigate this bastard child of nonsense and gravity?!” his cries echoed through the entire castle, showing his animosity towards the idea of slowly wandering about a colossal maze of a castle.

In reply to his lamentations, the silky, invasive voice of a Queen boomed inside the stronghold, mocking his misery and hopelessness, “Open the doors, little human. Behind one, you will find me! The others have a vast array of—”

“—Oh, it’s that one.” Gogurt spied a single door on the other side of the large chamber. The door was the only one left ajar, and was the sole source of the noise.

Chrysalis’s voice now came as a nervous laugh, before snarling, “Which one of you idiots left the door open! I SPECIFICALLY told you to shut it after bringing me my hay fries!”

Gogurt laughed and shook his head, “Oh, this is awesome! I’M COMING FOR YOU GLORY-HOLE QUEEN!”

“I’d like to see you try.” her snarky voice cackled, “Honestly, I’m surprised you didn’t just stay hidden away, or dead, or whatever you were doing. Now, you’ve decided to walk,
alone, straight back to your prison. Not a very bright one, are you?”

He scratched his nose, and started his descent down the single set of steps that led to the cracked door, “No, not really.”

A sound of hissing began to fill the stairwell-room. Gogurt ceased his sprint as the noise surrounded him, followed by a swarm of pale-blue eyes coming from the darkness.

Then dozens of dark, carapaced changelings, some wearing purple armor, burst from the shadows in a messy frenzy of buzzing, flapping, insect wings, all eager to pounce on the sole invader.

They all struck at once!

The mass of biting and tackling shapeshifters soon found themselves tangled up with each other, due to the sudden and unorganized rush.

“Well, this is lucky, they’re all in one spot.” the traveler had blinked in the same method he used to escape many perils, and now stood ahead of them on the steps, watching the wriggling knot of changelings struggle to free themselves.

His left hand trembled as a clustering mass of cold energy collected into a wobbly sphere in his palm. He gripped the squirming power tight, and grinned as the sphere was spat from his hand in a punching motion, splattering and exploding against the trapped changelings, entrapping them even further in a thick cement of ice.

Gogurt admired the shocked and frozen faces of the changelings stuck in the ice, “Gotta appreciate the cartoony coincidences you find here!”

He turned away from the masterpiece and ran to the ajar door, a newfound confidence in his tired bones. He threw the door open as he ran through it, laughing, beyond joy that the Queen he had been hunting for days was now right before him.

And then Ditzy Doo plowed him over in a koala-bear-style hug.

Gogurt felt her light grey coat and blonde mane beneath his claws. They felt all too real. This was her fur, her mane, her mark.

“I can’t believe you’re finally here!” she cried with tears in her eyes, "I was soooo scared, but... you came back for me!"

Gogurt smiled, stood up, unlatched her from his body and laughed before taking a few steps back.

Then he ran forward and kicked her across the stomach, causing a fews rib to crack and her breath to whoosh from her lungs as she flew across the red carpeted throne room, slamming into the heart shaped chair and knocking it over.

“How stupid do you think I am, you attention-hungry whore?”

The chair erupted in green fire as the Pegasus form burned away. Queen Chrysalis’s silhouette appeared from the fire, mane in a mess, and a glare in her toxic eyes.

She flicked her forked tongue at him and sauntered closer, “Well, you’ve certainly learned a few new tricks, hmm?”

Gogurt shrugged, “You pick stuff up on the road.”

“So… is that what you were hiding the entire time?” Chrysalis suddenly appeared directly behind him, and circled his tensed body, “No, not exactly, it doesn’t have the same, gorgeous maliciousness that I felt before.”

Gogurt sighed as his claws began clenching and releasing in anxiety. He took this time to survey the stage for the fight.

It was a humongous hall, lined with old pillars and the remains of colorful banners. Under his feet was a dirtied luxurious carpet, and above was a tinkling, crystal chandelier, and below the hanging ornament was the destroyed lounge chair accompanied by a small coffee table of lacquered wood. The most noticeable feature was a massive hole in the right-hand wall of the room, giving an ample view of the starry night sky and its moon. It seemed like this was not the first time this room was used as a boss battle.

Gogurt exhaled and rubbed his clawed hands together, “I’ve walked a LONG way to come for you.”

Chrysalis blinked before him in a small spurt of lime fire, eyes wide and lips pouted in mock-surprise, “Really? How sweet. But, boy…” she stepped uncomfortable close,
bringing her face and warped eyes near his, “you’re way out of your league!”

She warped a more satisfactory distance away, wearing a smirk, “I’m a Queen. Queen Chrysalis, you see? I even managed to take down that Celestia all by myself.”

“This harlot defeated that accursed Alicorn?” Fenrir barked in disbelief.

“So, what hope do you,” Chrysalis spat when she said ‘you’, “a whelp, who just learned how to freeze an idiot or two, have in dethroning ME?!”

As if on cue, a series of spouting columns of fire and unknown evil laughter blasted around the pair. In fact, the human could have sworn that he heard epic music playing in the background. Chrysalis’s layered cackling echoed and rang through Gogurt’s head, signalling the beginning of the battle.

But instead, Chrysalis took a deep breath and started to sing,

MISERABLE LITTLE WHELP!
What hope do you have, against a Queen so glorious, with no help—

—SMACK!!
The clawed vagrant’s shattering right hook to Chrysalis’s jaw brought a screeching halt to the entire aria, “I didn’t come to sing…”

While her head was snapping to the side from the sheer force of the blow, he planted himself in a squared stance, and swiftly delivered a whipping kick with his left leg to collide with her midsection, “I CAME TO KICK ASS!”

“No time for songs, EH?” Before Gogurt could blink, she was gone again!

Out of instinct, he dove to the side, narrowly missing a Chrysalis’s lime-green magic bolt. However, he could not do anything to dodge the shockwave that threw him like a little ragdoll.

He hit the dusty, stone ground, rolling, and was painfully halted by a round pillar that left him with more than a few small bruises. Gogurt tried to ignore the hurt as he struggled to his feet, and ambled to where the magic had hit. The bolt had left a sizable scorch mark on the ground, a scorch he did not want on his body.

Chrysalis blinked before him again, bearing a fanged smile that did a poor job of concealing the laughter booming from her throat, “Do you finally understand now? You are severely outclassed here! If you carry on with this foolish endeavor, there might not be enough left of you to even fill an urn. But… I do have another proposition for you.”

She trotted closer and circled him, her voice carrying the sickly sweet tune she loved so much, “There is much potential sleeping in you. You only need somepony like me to truly awaken it.” the Queen placed her holed hoof on the thoroughly disgusted human, her voice rising in intensity and excitement, to the point of yelling, “Stop this purposeless quest of yours, and join me at my side. If you do, I’ll let you live, and stop feeding on those two friends of yours… but there’s so much more to seize.

“Become my student, and challenge the foundations of Equestria with me! We will show those frilly Princesses what REAL power can do! JOIN ME, leaving behind whatever insignificant life you had before, and take on your new name, Sharp Nightfrost!” her dramatic speech’s final note faded away as the last of its echoes blew through the castle.

Gogurt grimaced as he removed her hoof from his shoulder, “Okay, now I’m going to go ahead and tell you why that’s a horrible idea. First, you’re probably lying about Ditzy and Reginald, and will probably make me suck the last of them up in some transformation banquet or whatever. Second, I hate you. Third, you’re gross. Like, really, REALLY, gross.

“Fourth, I’ve seen enough movies to know that becoming some dark apprentice is either gonna have all my limbs burned off and put in some life support suit, or I’ll just be a really crappy person who’ll hate myself for the rest of my life. Fifth… Sharp Nightfrost… really? Were you just looking for the edgiest name you could think of? That name is so edgy, I’m afraid to say it again because I might cut my tongue from the SHEER edginess. So… I’m gonna pass.”

Chrysalis sighed and rolled her eyes, “You’re going to regret—!”

Gogurt’s elbow swung widely into thin air, its intended target having vanished!

The next thing he felt was the blast of the green spear as it impacted into his back, sending burning flares and magic currents convulsing through his bones. The force of the bolt, yet again, sent him soaring and rolling onto the cold, unforgiving ground.

The second the spell hit him, Gogurt knew that it was of a different sort than the Royal Guard’s. This spell sent a feeling of sickness splashing through his frame, and seemed to focus more on the burning aspect. This was a spell meant for pain and punishment, meaning that catching too many more would be a bad idea.

As he was getting to his feet, a low thrum caught his ear, and if there was one thing this human learned in Equestria, a thrum was almost always a bad thing. He quickly spun around and raised a plated, scaly arm over his head, just as another sickly javelin exploded against his shielding arm. The armored plates and scales absorbed most of the damage and the sizzling side effects, but the force still left him sore and staggering.

“This was a lot harder than I imagined it to be..” Gogurt moaned.

“At least you’re able to predict those weak little spells now.” Fenrir said with a lighthearted, and of course, unsympathetic tone.

“I really just wanna get out of here alive, thank you…”

“Whine, whine, whine. That’s all I hear from you.” Fenrir scolded with low snarls, “I grow tired of this punishment. It’s almost worse than being locked in that damned grotto!”

Gogurt gasped as another spell burst against his raised arm, causing him to slide back a few feet. While he withstood the assault, he cocked his other arm behind his back and condensed all the cold power he could hold in the trembling palm.

“But you can at least do more than cringe like a whelp, can’t you?”

Chrysalis yawned as she released beam after bolt of the weighty spells, “You can’t keep this up forever, you know? The poison will continue to spread and spread… until you’re as limp as a dead fish, and then you’ll be my love bank forev—.”

“You know, it’s not a wise idea to talk during times like these.”

The Queen could not finish her thought due to the frozen cocoon she found herself in.

Her eyes dilated then shrunk to pips as she quivered in rage. With a banshee screech and a burst of magic from her crooked horn, she obliterated the icy shell, only to be hit with another wobbling sphere, this attack more focused on pure power than freezing.

The bedraggled human counted as he delivered bullet after orb of the cold eruptions, “One, two, three!”

A punch, punch, kick, combo releasing Fenrir’s frost, a simple strategy that berated the cunning queen with devastating effectiveness. Chrysalis could barely move an inch as each sphere thwacked her like a frosty hammer, and Gogurt was gaining ample ground with each enthusiastic combo. His counts grew more gleeful each time, to the point where it sounded as if a second voice joined in the song.

But was it his voice?

As he got closer to the punished queen, the snarls and red tentacles slowly began to take hold of his senses. The snarling, all he could hear, the red tendrils, goading suffering on nothing but his target who was now only a few arm-lengths away.

“One, two...” he blinked in a rush of snow and reappeared above Chrysalis’s half-frozen form, “THREE!” dropping his plated heel on her exposed back, obliterating the ice and laying her flat on the frosted carpet with an OOMPH!

Gogurt watched her groan in that strange voice as the brutal beating throbbed pain through her incredibly durable, insectoid body. He was breathing deeply and heavily, his voice producing a strange overlapping resonance. It was then that he felt the areas beyond his usual armoring were… different? Even parts of his face felt abnormal.

Chrysalis coughed and hacked a few times before craning her head to look up at the human, a crooked smile on her face, “If you could only see yourself now!” A flash of green flames suddenly blazed before Gogurt’s eyes, momentarily blinding him and blinking the queen away!

A green ray from above bursted against his chest, eliciting a gargled cry and a bloom of inflamed venomous suffering. Another thrum sounded, prompting Gogurt to raise his arms in defense.

Instead, something blunt quickly jabbed into his gut. His arms automatically dropped to to his stricken stomach to soothe the pain. Gogurt leveled his eyes at the grinning Queen in front of him, her horn aglow with the lime light, the magic holding a long, slim, and curved saber with a silver blade dripping some unknown liquid, finished with a jet black grip and emerald jewel pommel. Chrysalis must have struck him with the pretty pommel, otherwise he would not have much time or life to make these observations.

Chrysalis tilted her head as she examined the improvised weapon, “I always prepare a little something in case one gets TOO close and personal,” Without warning, the saber whirled in the air and slashed across his ribs, slicing clear through the jacket’s cloth and underlying shirt but leaving a stinging, shallow cut over his bones. Within seconds, the cut began to burn as if it were eating his skin.

Gogurt backed away, keeping one arm raised and one clutching at the cut, “R.. really?! More poison?!”

Chrysalis shrugged and held the poisoned cavalry sword in the light, “What can I say, a mare loves her venom!”

Her saber rose, and swiftly performed a diagonal slash through the swirling dust motes. Gogurt grunted as he blocked the quick draw cut with his right forearm, but he scarcely had time to recover as another slash swung towards his unprotected neck.

The defending human could only block as the aggressive cuts came from all angles as the confident queen advanced, but despite his defense, the curved steel snaked its way through his defense, leaving a scattering of small nicks and cuts into his soft flesh, spreading more of the burning venom into his flooded system.

Chrysalis ceased the cutting march, crouched, and buzzed into the air, zipping past the overwhelmed challenger. Before Gogurt could ascertain her position, she swooped past his side, executing a quick slash across his back and ripping a gash into his unguarded skin.

When he recoiled from the cut, feeling the blood seep into his jacket, Gogurt learned something alarming. None of these burning slices were deep enough to do serious damage. The Queen was toying with him, intending on causing as much torment as possible until he possibly bled to death.

Another frightening fact became apparent as he was only able to partially defend against a diving slice from the sabre. He was slowing down. His brain seemed to be only able to fire the responses to his muscles at half their regular speed, and the sick feeling he felt before now drenched every cell in his being. The only thing that kept him alive must have been Fenrir’s stalwart soul.

However, Gogurt noticed a hole in Chrysalis’s assault during her last pivot in the air.

He ducked low under a high chop from the queen’s saber, and watched as she kept flying in the same direction, forcing her to slow herself to a complete stop before being able to pivot and drop again.

Those few seconds of slowness were the key.

Gogurt dissipated in a gust of snow, and coalesced above the changeling mare’s veering form.

However, he was a few seconds too late.

Queen Chrysalis’s bucking rear hooves impacted solidly against his sternum, and flung him into the ashy remains of the destroyed, heart shaped chair, but if that was not enough, a heavy bolt compounded the onslaught. While the spell only hit near him, the blast was more than enough to thrust him into the nearby wooden coffee table.

Gogurt’s eyes screwed shut, trying to make the starbursts and ringing in his head go away. He panted heavily, and opened his eyes once he felt able. His vision was shaky and slightly blurry, but clear enough to see the long-maned queen with the crooked horn stroll to his sprawled form. From his point on the ground, she seemed like a towering messenger of the end, holding the final decision in her eyes.

“Fenris.. this doesn’t look good for us. I can’t even get up. Isn’t there… anything you or I can do?”

The drake’s snarls and growls were reduced to low, ragged breaths, “Toxic… it’s all poisoned. I.. I don’t think…”

The dogged traveler’s sight finally steadied. He grunted and tried to sit up, holding himself up by the last energy left in his blighted limbs. His eyes were placid, his expression
blank. Was this resignation? Or sheer curiosity to whatever happened next?

He tried to crack a smile, “I’m sorry that our little trip ended here.”

Chrysalis smiled, and her horn glowed with the despicable light. Her body was then enveloped in an unforeseen blaze of emerald fire, causing Gogurt to squint through the light.

The fire faded away, and Chrysalis was Ditzy Doo once more. This Pegasus, however, was thin, frail, staggering, and had hollow eyes, devoid of all energy, and despair in her slight frown.

“Why?” she asked, “Why did you run away? How could you let me, your only friend, down?”

Anguish and sorrow lanced through the undone contender.

Ditzy stumbled closer, “What happened to the friendship? Was that all an excuse to make yourself feel better for being treated like a monster? Why didn’t you come sooner? Now, look at me. I've wasted away.”

He knew this was just some meaningless clone brought on to torture him further, but why were tears leaking from those eyes?

A sixteen-year-old student stolen from his family, friends, and home, now laid on some ancient bricks in a dark bastion perched in an alien world, poisoned, bleeding, and dying all alone, with nothing accomplished but his own harm. The one valuable thing he found in this land was taken too, and because he failed, it would fade away in this castle.

He had nothing. Absolutely nothing.

“Why did you leave me here?” he barely registered that Chrysalis was in her original form, scowling, her head held low and saber left unattended on the ground, “Why was I left to die?”

A snicker sounded from somewhere behind the brooding queen.

Gogurt knew that snicker.

He strained to turn his head towards the rising cackling that echoed inside his frayed mind. There it was, the wrinkled tome of misfortune, standing against a pillar, red-eyed skull writhing in the cover as the intense chortles shook the leather.

It seemed that this was the trigger.

His heart began to pound, and his blood drummed through his veins as a question thrashed to his mouth, “Fenrir, there has to be SOMETHING. JUST...” his brain ached and
throbbed while his soul clawed for answers, “ANYTHING?”

Fenrir groaned and tossed inside, feeling the pounding and clawing, “I already told you that..!”

Then something dropped in the spirit’s mind, like some secret or locked memory surfaced in the mist.

“NO! The misery... There… THERE IS… I CAN FEEL… M-m-my… AOOOOORGGHH!!!”

Fenrir’s random howling and roaring conquered all other thoughts in their consciousnesses.

Gogurt’s chest suddenly squirmed and twisted. He doubled over as something seemed to struggled its way out of his body. The newfound agony somehow restored all the vigor in his bones, causing the stricken boy to jump to his feet, all while experiencing intense shudders.

The rising in his chest poked and squirmed through his skin, revealing a large, visible knob digging out of his skin and jacket. The final, fleshy boundaries tore away as what resembled an ivory white bone wrapped in ragged cloth met the outside air.

“MY HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORN!”

A bestial roar bellowed from the depths of both of their souls, shaking the foundations of the fortress and leaving Chrysalis shrinking away from the sheer volume of the howl that discharged waves of freezing wind, adding a layer of frost to the surroundings.

Gogurt gripped the protruding relic with his clawed hands, and proceeded to draw all four feet of wicked sharp horn from his relenting body and nearly dropped to the ground from the effort of it all. He held the horn horizontally in the light to examine it.

It looked like some crude weapon fashioned by a caveman. The horn looked liked a snow-white bone given a smooth edge and ground to a slight curve. There were touches of dark blue and black streaks along the edge, as if it was dirtied or worn out. The grip was slightly narrower than the blade portion, and was thickly wrapped in grey leather, but there was no real guard. For such an unrefined weapon, it had near-perfect balance and little weight.

“HELL YEAH!” Gogurt cheered as he raised the horn aloft with his left hand, “NOW we’re talking.” Simply holding the weapon gave the boy vivid energy and alertness, curing all the poison in his body.

Chrysalis shook out of her daze now that the howl ended, hissed at his posing figure, brought the dropped saber forward, leaped, and thrust it towards his exposed heart.

“NOPE!” Gogurt instantly noticed the queen’s charge, thanks to the heightened sense Fenrir’s Horn granted, and swung the blade upwards, intercepting the saber, and sweeping its piercing edge away.

Chrysalis could only watch as her poisoned sword clattered far from her magic’s reach and was unable to react to the pommel strike to the head from the ancient horn. Gogurt followed the blow with a heavy uppercut from his right hand, tossing the queen head over hooves and tumbling onto the gritty floor. Before she could recover or blink away, Gogurt scraped the stone with Fenrir’s Horn as he chopped upwards, rapidly raising a tall series of frozen spires in a straight row, successfully trapping the Queen in the icy surge!

Gogurt shook his fists and danced a little hopping jig, “Y… Ye.. YESS! YEAAAAAHAHA! THAT SHIT WAS AWESOME! I didn’t even know that was going to happen!”

“I knew it was going to happen,” Fenrir said with a know-it-all tone, “and that’s really all that’s necessary, considering you never really know much anyway.”

Gogurt ignored Fenrir’s snarkiness as Queen Chrysalis’s chattering fangs caught his ears. He promptly stomped his way to the shivering changeling, her head the only part left unfrozen, excluding her troublesome horn of course.

Chrysalis spied his placid face, a drop of sweat rolling down her forehead, “If-f-f-f-f… you c-c-c-could see yourself—”

“—YEAH, yeah, see myself now...” Gogurt sharply interjected, “You know… what you did was really f*cked up.”

“I-I know that—”

“—You literally TORTURED me!” he shouted, a second voice joining the cry, “You TORTURED me physically and mentally. Why? What sick pleasure do you gain from this?
Are you just bored because you can’t leave this stupid castle?”

“What could you possibly understand?” Chrysalis roared at his face, all fear forgotten in the glares of her green eyes, “Stuck in a blasted castle, treated like a fool and a loser. A LOSER. Always, a loser. When I felt like I had an upper hand for once, could you blame an evil loser of a queen for enjoying the sweet victory?”

Gogurt shook his head and took a deep breath, “Believe me, I understand. I get the maddening imprisonment, being a loser, I get all that. And that’s why I know your excuses are worth shit.”

He suddenly levelled the white horn at her throat, snarls and red tint slowly filling his senses again. For once, he held the judgement. He held the sentence. He could choose now.

“End the insect.” Fenrir whispered, “She’s a pest in Equestria’s side that should be squashed.”

Gogurt flared a nostril and quickly lowered the tip of the blade, “What? Hell no. I ain’t doing that, I was just intimidating her. I mean, it still feels icky for me to slit someone’s throat like this.”

“Wimp.”

“Are you seriously talking to yourself?” Chrysalis asked with a raised eyebrow.

Gogurt blinked a few times before returning focus on the frozen queen, “So, you wanna tell me where the horse and lizard is before I leave you in this comfy coffin for the rest of your life?”

Chrysalis curled her lip in response, “What are you talking about? They’re back in the left corner of the room, like they were before. Don’t… don’t you remember being there?”

He rubbed his neck and squinted as he struggled to remember, “Oh. That’s right. Wow, I’m REALLY surprised one of us didn’t hit them or anything.”

Gogurt turned around and scanned the nearly destroyed room for the oozing chrysali his friends were trapped in. As Chrysalis and memory said, two, small, green, cocoons were tucked away in the farthest corner.

He patted the dust off of his jacket, fixed his hair, and walked to the organic jail cells. He stood directly over the two chrysali with a relieved smile. Inside the larger cocoon was the large, scaly, sleeping raptor he knew as Reginald, lying on his back, snoring loudly, and inside the smaller one was the grey Pegasus, curled up, and also sleeping. There was no visible damage, meaning that the queen may not have done any physical harm to them.

Gogurt used his right claws to first rip open Reginald gooey’s prison, considering he looked horribly cramped inside. The raptor flopped out of the slime with a thunk, and was still fast asleep.

Gogurt shrugged, deciding to wake him up afterwards, and moved on to Ditzy. He clawed open the cocoon and quickly bent down to catch her fall from the chrysalis.
Strange, she was still asleep too.

Either way, he could not help but feel immense satisfaction and fulfillment. He finally accomplished something. After running for days from monsters and the Royal Guard, he finally finished the long quest.

It felt good. A feeling he sorely missed.

Gogurt leaned down towards the snoring raptor, and patted his bony head a few times, “Hey, Reginald, WAKE UP!”

The call immediately interrupted the reptile’s sleep, and his eyes shot open. Gogurt watched his pupils swim around before stopping on the eagerly awaiting human. Once the dinosaur realized there was someone standing above him, he flinched and scrambled to rise to his muscular feet.

Gogurt’s eyes widened, and he put his hands forward to halt Reginald’s spooked antics, “WHOA, whoa, calm down, it’s me, Gogurt! That Indian dude whose fantastic leadership you’ve been following?”

Upon hearing the name, Reginald slowed his clambering and calmly got to his feet. Reginald then began to perform a series of hand gestures to communicate his thoughts.

“What is this lizard doing?” Fenrir asked with genuine confusion and curiosity.

“It’s sign language,” Gogurt explained as the signs went over his comprehension, “and I know none of it. The pony knows, however, so I’ll just wake her up too.” he looked at the sleeping Ditzy and shouted, “Get UP, SEXY BEAST IS HERE!” Sexy Beast waited a few seconds after his loud, verbal alarm.

But she did not respond.

“Uh… He… Hello?” Gogurt knelt down and shook her by the shoulders, “Hey! Listen!”

Still nothing.

Gogurt stood back up and looked at Reginald who seem just as bewildered, “What the Hell is this!”

“She’s been my personal food bank for a long time,” Chrysalis shouted from her cold prison, “and for some reason, the lizard was starting taste to like spoiled fish… so she’s
been my only food reserve.” Chrysalis sighed, “It seems that she’s all spent! Strange. She should have lasted much longer, I suppose she gave up.”

‘All spent’.

“I was too late..?” One would expect that pure, unabashed fury would be what manifested here.

But the consequence of his lateness overwhelmed everything else.

He paced back and forth, shaking his head in disbelief, “No, no, no. Please, this can’t…. Is she…”

“Dead?” Fenrir bluntly boomed in his head, “She doesn’t smell to be decomposing, and she’s obviously breathing.”

“So, what?” Gogurt asked, a scrap of hope creeping into his voice.

Fenrir sighed, “Soooooo… she seems to be in a coma of sorts. I imagine that she’s lost too much… ugh…love. I suppose this love ties into the ability to apply her will. Must be why she’s in such a state.”

“Hold on hold hold on, a coma?” Gogurt ran to the sleeping body, desperately watching for any sign of movement, “Like, a never wake up for years or ever again kind of coma? The kind where we can’t do ANYTHING?!”

Fenrir hummed in thought, “Well, I suppose resupplying large amounts of… love…. from an outside source could reverse the coma. Of course, I don’t know if this will work or not. I’m not well versed in stupid things like this.”

The frantic boy turned his head to the iced queen, “HEY, GLORYHOLE, how do I fix this mess you made?”

Chrysalis cocked her head to the side, “How am I supposed to know? I EAT love, I don’t know anything about putting it back. If it means anything, I truly didn’t mean for this to happen. I switch out love reserves when the source looks to weak. Again, she must have given up.”

Gogurt inhaled heavily and scowled, eyebrows bent in a baleful expression, “Your intentions don’t really mean shit right, thank you very much.”

Since Chrysalis was no help, that meant Fenrir’s solution was all he had. But, Gogurt knew that it was much more complicated than just, ‘giving love’. Ditzy would need COPIOUS amounts of the emotion to be nursed back from her sleep, and that also included bed rest, a safe location, for her to be bathed and cleaned everyday, food to be directly fed into her system, and a large flow of love. In short, she needed a hospital.

Something he could not provide by himself.

Gogurt suddenly remembered something in his earliest memories in Equestria. The group’s first goal was to reach Ditzy’s hometown of Ponyville. This town must have held
many who loved and deeply cared for her, along with some sort of medical place.

Gogurt stepped all the way back to the frozen spires that held Chrysalis.

He stopped before her, took a deep breath, and asked, “Do you happen to know where Ponyville is?”

Chrysalis rolled her eyes, “Ugh, THAT stupid town. Yes, I know where it happens to lie. What, need a map or something?”

“Yes.”

Chrysalis paused and blinked for a few seconds, “Well, I was being sarcastic about the map, but… I do happen to have one of those warping crystals made SPECIFICALLY for
Ponyville. If you unfreeze my horn, I’ll blink it over. No tricks!”

Gogurt slowly nodded as he tapped Fenrir’s horn, “Right, because if you do anything I’ll chop your freakin’ head off.” He raised an arm and tapped a claw against Chrysalis’s frozen spike. The ice responded by quickly melting away.

Her horn briefly glowed before a small gout of flame gave appearance to a triangular, hand-sized, purple gem that landed in Gogurt’s outstretched hand.

“Thank you!” and then the ice on her horn refroze.

Chrysalis blew a raspberry.

Gogurt gripped the crystal and sprinted to Reginald’s befuddled side.

He pushed the gem into Reginald’s claws and looked him into his intelligent eyes, “Hey, Reg, I need you to use this warp gem to take yourself and Ditzy to Ponyville…. okay before you say anything about the warp gem, don’t ask me, it’s contrived, magical bullshit, so I know nothing. But, yeah, take yourselves to Ponyville, she’ll get help there.”

Reginald frowned and operated a confusing system of signs.

“Again, I can’t understand you, bro.”

The raptor rolled his eyes and simple pointed at Gogurt.

“Oh! Oh…”

In the back of Gogurt’s mind, he heard a chuckle…

He looked away, “No, uh… I can’t really come. I got something else I still need to do. Just go, alright? Besides, they don’t need to be freaked out by another non-pony sentient being, so you just go and try not to get caught. You got me?”

Reginald just looked at the placid human’s face for some time. He eventually nodded, and attempted to form a smile, which just looked like he was baring his teeth.

“Great! Let me just get Ditzy on your back…” the nomad bent down to gingerly pick up the sleeping Pegasus by her middle, and deposited her on Reginald’s back, making sure she was properly balanced.

Gogurt forced a smile and furrowed his brow, “Laters’!” and waved his hand in farewell.

Reginald waved his little raptor arms at the traveler, and stared at the gem, looking confused as to how to work the thing.

“Just break it!” Chrysalis yelled from across the room.

Reginald grunted, and easily crushed the crystal in his claws. A white light shone from the twinkling fragments, covering the pair in the luminescence, before another flash
radiated from the shards. When the light disappeared, so did they.

“Why didn’t you go with them?” Fenrir asked.

Gogurt pursed his lips, and turned towards the exit of the boss stage, “You’ve seen what luck I’ve had with that damn book following me around.” he trudged to the door, wearing a deep frown, “It’ll be safer if I just stay away now. I wish I knew this was the problem before. Woulda saved a loooot of trouble.”

As he stepped past the icy arches holding the changeling queen, the prisoner shouted, “Are you just going to leave me to waste away, too?”

He stopped.

Gogurt moaned and switched paths to Chrysalis, “Damn my moral convictions…”

Chrysalis’s eyes widened as the vagrant began to melt away the ice, “Oh.. didn’t think you’d actually do it.”

“Uh huh.” Gogurt mumbled.

Just as the ice began to thin out, he saw something in the reflection of the surface. It was his head.

Over half of it was covered in beady skin, plates, and a curved horn, culminating in a fearsome visage of a nightmarish beast.

Then the ice was gone, and Chrysalis dropped to the water-covered ground, free from the prison. She stood back on her feet, and shook the water from her mane and wings.

Chrysalis scratched the back of her head with her perforated hoof, “Um… this is.. well, I’m just going to not bother you anymore. Bye?”

“Uh… huh.” Gogurt paid no attention as he looked into his reflection in the waters.

Completely normal. Whatever he saw was gone now.

“Something wrong?” Fenrir asked as he felt the unease seep into the human’s mind.

He looked away from the water and walked towards the door, “No.” Gogurt stretched his arms and yawned, “I guess we’re going to Canterlot.”

Gogurt had a random thought, brought on by the strange reflection. When was the last time he ever used his human hands? Considering how long he’s been using Fenrir’s claws, he decided it would be nice to see human fingers for a while, so he willed the claws away like the many times he did before.

He blanched.

“What’s wrong now…” Fenrir asked with a tired sigh.

“The claws,” Gogurt’s pupils shrank, “They won’t go away."

...

But will he care?

Author's Note

This. was. the. most. miserable. chapter. to. edit.

IDK why, but the new update to the site seems to have screwed with the gdoc importing. I had to redo everything TWICE.

But, here you fellas go, the LONGEST chapter I've ever written. It's about sixty pages.

Da Hell is wrong with me.

Train Jackassery: the Battle of the three Assholes and a Sucky New Year...

He stepped into the curious saloon, wrapped in the remains of a ragged brown cloak he found along the way to the town that seemed like a cutout of an old Clint Eastwood movie. Grasped tightly in his strange claws was the long, slim, and powerful sharpened bone known as Fenrir’s Horn. He almost always had it in his grasp now. It was comforting, like a trusty walking stick.

The saloon was called the Salt Block. It made him smirk.

Gogurt kept walking forward, slightly hunched and steps muffled, not paying much of any attention to the seated patrons around him, . Having learned to avoid attention from his many encounters, it became a little easier to move about without frightening an entire city.

He took a seat at a bar stool and let out a great sigh, his warped voice whistling beneath armored skin and plates.

“Now, THAT’S the breath of a tired traveler.”

Gogurt glanced up at the source of the voice. It was the bartender. He was doing what most bartenders stereotypically tend to do: wiping already clean glasses.

“Tired is one word for it.” Gogurt rasped back.

The bartender smiled, crinkling aged laugh lines, “So where ya headed off to?”

“Ca… I’m just going somewhere up north. I’ve got Some business to tend to.”

“North, huh?” the bartender shrugged, “Best wishes on that, so what can I get ya?

Gogurt paused, waiting to ask the question that he had been so desperately to find a ‘yes’ to, as if he didn’t want to face the disappointment again. Whether it was the deprivation of fleshy protein or the corrosion of his mind, he put the question forth.

He finally asked slowly and deliberately, “Do you have any… meat?”

The very lively saloon ceased completely.

The bartender finally laughed again, suddenly shearing the weight off the atmosphere. That simple act was enough to cause the patrons to believe it was an innocent joke, thankfully.

“You must be one of those, uh… predatory griffin types?” the bartender peered closer into Gogurt’s hood, “Say, what manner of creature are you? Some kind of griffin?”

Gogurt slowly nodded, “Some kind of griffin.”

“Well, you look kinda strange for a—”

“—I’m a retarded, deformed griffin. And I mean really retarded. You do not want to see my face. I was actually in a freakshow for a little bit.”

The bartender’s ample mustache twitched a bit, “Well, alright then. Sorry Mr. Griffin, we don’t really get much of any carnivorous folks
down here, so we don’t keep a stock of meat. I can get ya some really nice apple pie, though, how about that? And just cause I couldn’t get ya whatcha wanted, the pie’s only five bits!”

“Another day without meat…” Fenrir moaned.

“Apple pie’d be fine, I suppose. And thank you!” Gogurt dug out five bits from a small satchel on his hip and placed them on the counter.

The traveler managed to snag some bits here and there along the way. He knew that he was going to need them if he wanted to eat.

The bartender took the cash and removed the glass lid of a pastry dish farther along the counter. He removed a slice of the decadent apple dessert and placed it on a plate, finishing it with a dollop of whip cream. He gave the plate to the hungry human and let him be.

It took every ounce of Gogurt’s will to not pounce upon the pie. He had not eaten in some days, and even a meatless pie was an oasis among a desert to him. Before he picked up the fork and knife, he remembered that the hood would only get in the way of the whipped
cream and crumbs.

Of course, he removed it.

And of course, the saloon stopped again.

The bartender began hyperventilating as his pupils shrank, “Well, that ain’t no griffin!”

And, again, of course, did Gogurt momentarily forget about the horn extending from his head, along with the bony plates that were now a malformed part of his face.

He felt the deep, rumbling movements beneath his cloak as the crowd began to draw the tension to it’s snapping point.

Gogurt slapped the cackling book under his robes, “You’ll laugh at anything, won’t you?”

“WHIIIIITE DEEEEEEEMOOOON!”

And then all Hell broke loose. Dishes were flying, tables were kicked over in the panic, and it would not be long until the town’s sirens blared.

“Here we go again…

"Heh heh..."

Lee was all too familiar with the various beeps and annoyances that clung to all sorts of medical scenes. There was the off putting scent of medicine and sterilized equipment in the air, congealing in certain areas and causing one’s nose to crinkle unpleasantly; the lights and rhythmic noises that lull awaiting family members and friends to a glazed state of bleary boredom, and the utter monotony that stayed despite the fact that at that very moment, scraps of lives were being meticulously scrounged from the ravaged states of all kinds of patients. At least he was not the one in the white sheets, for once.

That thought did not do much to make him feel any better.

He looked down at the gray Pegasus in the sheets, seemingly enjoying simple sleep. Unfortunately, she had not woken up from that deceptive slumber ever since she arrived on the wheelbarrow. Lee’s equine (and one reptilian) friends crowded around the sides of her bed, watching on with downcast eyes, or in Fluttershy’s case, a nearly bursting bank of tears. Lee stood off to the side slightly, not sure of where to be or what to do, considering he did not even know of Ditzy until she turned up the other night.

Twilight turned her head towards the nurse who accompanied the party, “Have the doctors confirmed what happened to her?”

The nurse in question was folding sheets in the corner. She set down the last sheet and sighed, “It’s just what we thought: Changeling feeding.”

Everyone gasped, with the exception of Lee and the nurse.

“But, Chrysalis and all her bugs have been trapped in her castle, for like, forever now!” Dash protested, “I mean, we were the ones that kinda did that.”

The nurse shrugged and continued, “Either way, I’ve never seen a Changeling feeding end up with such severe effects. She must have been drained of love for, well, Celestia knows how long!”

The bit about the love drain struck Lee’s attention.

“Is there anything we can do to help?” Twilight persisted with a pleading tone, “Like, a spell or…”

“No spells can replenish the lost love,” the nurse said with a shake of her head, “the only option is to keep feeding her love and hope that she’ll have enough energy to wake up.”

Pinkie took a deep breath, “Then I’ll have to throw the longest, bestest, most spectacular coma party I’ve ever thrown.”

“Hold on,” Lee interjected as he raised his hand, “are you saying that this horse is in a coma because she’s… out of love?”

“We explained to you how the Changelings feed, Lee,” Twilight explained, “this is just like that.”

Lee gave a brief chuckle, “No I mean that you can actually slip into a coma if you lose too much love?”

Spike grimaced, “Apparently.”

“And so we have to give her love so that she’ll wake up?”

The nurse nodded, “That’s the gist of it, why?”

Lee pursed his lips and looked away, having a brief pause before saying, “I don’t like where this is going.”

The door of the ward clicked open, causing entire group to turn their heads towards it, momentarily forgetting Lee’s issue. A brown Earth Pony stallion wearing a doctor’s coat walked in, humming a muffled, cheery tune as he carried a clipboard in his mouth. He spat the clipboard down upon Ditzy’s bed.

The doctor snorted, “Ugh, I don’t know why I decided to spend almost a decade in school for a job that would require me to hold so much stuff.” he then looked at the visiting party with a big smile, “Hello! I’m Dr. Euthanasia! I’ve been the scalpel jockey looking over Ditzy since her stay here!”

Fluttershy raised an eyebrow, “Dr. Euthanasia?”

The doctor prodded Ditzy’s unmoving body with an absent hoof, “Yes, the four syllables make it awkward to say, I know. But it’s a family name.”

Lee nodded approvingly, “That’s pretty f*cking metal.”

“Anyways,” Dr. Euthanasia crooned, “I’ve got some heavy billing to do, and I’m sure you’re all very busy, so I’ll go ahead and tell you the treatment for this… love loss. We’ll have you stationed by her side for a minimum of twelve hours everyday, working in shifts of four hours, each of you providing all the love and good vibes you can to insure a steady recovery. I’ll bill you all later, because, I mean, it’s not like she can pay for it, am I right?”

The lengthy love sessions made everyone in the room blanch.

“Twelve hours a day?!” Applejack cried, “Ah can’t make love for that long! I’ve got an orchard to manage, and Big Mac can’t work, he hurt his back running from them zombies!”

Lee gritted his teeth, “It’s just too f*cking easy.”

The doctor held up his hoof and closed his eyes, “I foresaw conflicting schedules, but I prepared for this. We can simply hire out strangers to make love to Ditzy as she sleeps.”

“With strangers?” Rarity asked with genuine concern, “But won’t she need protection?”

Lee’s lip quivered, “I’m not gonna say it, you dirty motherf*ckers..!”

Pinkie bounced from hoof to hoof, “Oh, oh, wait! If she needs protection, we should all bring costumes and toys and all make love together in one big party!”

CRAAAASSSHHHHH!

Everyone ducked as fragments of glass showered the ward, sending sprinkling, tinkling shards of laceration over their heads and into their hair.

Twilight brushed the glass out of her mane and scowled at Lee, flushing air from her nostrils, “Lee, what did I tell you about throwing furniture through glass windows!”

Lee stomped forward and pushed his face towards Twilight’s, “And what did I tell you about being such a deviant-sex-whorse?!”

Twilight’s rage and tensed muscles relaxed in favor of immediate confusion, “Wh… what?”

“You heard me, you glass of grape-flavored orgy fluid!”

“Lee…” Twilight sighed and chose to put the matter behind her, otherwise she might burst into flames again. “Just… listen. Ditzy needs all of our help and love in order to get back to her… well, ditzy self. And throoOOOWING ARMCHAIRS isn’t helping.”

Dr. Euthanasia rolled his eyes, “I’ll just add that to your unpayable bill. Like I was saying, all of you, close friends and family of Ditzy’s, and possible strangers, are all going to have to take part of a mechanized system of feeding her love through established time slots and predetermined activities commonly known to foster love, such as reading to her or paying off her exorbitant bill. It’d be great if we could get that paid now. Keeping a comatose patient alive is expensive. Show some love, ponies.”

“Hold on.”

Everypony groaned, dreading another pointless remark from Lee, bound to cause him to spit some expletives and maybe throw a table or two.

“Wouldn’t a cold system of making ponies stay for hours out of their schedule to ‘produce love’ only going to make no love at all? I mean, then it’s just a job no one gets paid for, and no one likes that.”

“Actually, my dear human, that…” the doctor’s mouth hung open wordlessly as the implications of the treatment circled through his head again, “... oh HORSEFEATHERS! I spent, like, three hours brainstorming this treatment!”

Spike shrugged, “Well, as long as we keep visiting and caring for Ditzy, it should still be fine, right?”

Rarity smiled and ruffled his spikes, inducing a glazed state similar to the one on the bed, “Spikey-Wikey is right, we should just keep in mind to love Ditzy as we would any other day and not view it as a chore.”

“Okay, okay, okay, um, hold on,” the doctor tapped the floor with his hoof repeatedly, “okay I got it! Visit and bring flowers, and, um, all that dumb stuff, but don’t force yourself to come otherwise it’s worthless, and don’t NOT come at all because then the love factor might wane… alright, I think this’ll work. This all looks ready and billable, you can all leave now.”

“Wait a minute,” Rainbow Dash stared at the doctor in the eye with a nostril flared, “how the hay are you going to put a price on love?”

“Oh, I’m sure I’ll figure out a way. Now leave, all of you. This room is cramped enough as it is. Go home.”

Dr. Euthanasia shooed them out into the hallway muttering about budget cuts and smelly visitors.

Applejack chuckled as she looked over her shoulder, “Ah tell ya’, that doc’s the one who needs treatment.”

Everyone chuckled at the jibe as they walked towards the stairs, except Lee who merely grunted.

Lee frowned as he recalled their previous conversation, prior to the doctor’s entrance, “So what’s all this shit about Changeling feedings then, if the Queen is trapped?”

“Maybe there were some stragglers or solo Changelings running around?” Rainbow Dash suggested.

“It doesn’t seem likely,” Twilight pursed her lips, “Changelings operate as a unit, soloes don’t show up… I hope. With all this crazy stuff happening nowadays, who knows what’s possible!”

Rarity hummed as she thought, “Either way, it couldn’t hurt to see if that dastardly Chrysalis is still cooped up in that castle, right?”

Fluttershy held her head low, “Another danger filled journey. Yaaaaay…”

They exited the hospital and entered the snow powdered Ponyville outside. Hearth’s Warming had passed some days ago, but that did not do anything to lessen the spirits of the denizens of the village, or the whole country for that matter. After all, once the holiday decorations go down, the New Year’s preparations go right up. And the new year would cross over right when the clock struck twelve, this day.

There were even more streamers, more balloons, and more banners. Fillies and colts ran about the town and between Lee’s legs, carrying blistering sparklers in their mouths. There also was a great influx of fireworks vendors selling their wares in Ponyville. They fostered friendly competition among each other, trying to out-yell each other’s sales pitches, and there was only the occasional brawl, although the involvement of fireworks made the fights a bit more volatile than usual.

While they enjoyed the festive scene of the town, Spike doubled over in guttural pain. He dropped to his knees in the crunchy snow and gripped his stomach before letting out a long and agonizing magic belch.

The flaming letter flitted to Twilight’s startled face before completely unfurling. Eight pieces of wrapped chocolate fell to the ground when the letter fully opened.

Spike pointed at the offending pieces, “Those are NOT meant to go out my throat like that! How did she forget AGAIN?”

Lee knelt to Spike’s level and said, “She forgot because she’s a bitch-nigga.”

“Looks like Chrysalis is going to have to wait, everypony.” Twilight floated the letter to her friends and unveiled the contents, eliciting a sharp gasp from each of them (again, with the exception of Lee. He just grunted.)

Attached to the letter was a series of newspaper clippings. Each of the clippings were headlines and their respective pictures. The first of which said:

“NECROMANCER STRIKES FILLYDELPHIA!”

Another said:

“CRAZED CULTISTS SENDS UNDEAD UPON BALTIMARE! SAPPHIRE SHORES CONCERT RUINED!”

“WHITE DEMON WREAKS HAVOC IN DODGE JUNCTION!”

The rest of the articles followed the same general format regarding the cultists and zombies.

“Princess Celestia and Luna needs all of us to head to Canterlot immediately,” Twilight said with a furrowed brow and gravity, her voice seeming to grow more and more accustomed to being a leader, “she says that chaos is starting to brew in Canterlot from this mess. Things need to be addressed.”

“Now?” Rarity blustered out, “But, we haven’t even packed, or gotten a train ticket for that matter!”

“Rarity, Ah don’t think luggage is priority right now.” Applejack explained in monotone.

Twilight abruptly bucked Spike onto his usual mount ather back, “This stupid crown should merit a couple of tickets for an emergency at the very least. We’ve got no time to lose, to the train station!”

Lee hopped on Fluttershy’s back, receiving an “eep!” as he shouted, “H’YAAH, BITCH!”

And they all galloped off towards adventure… or was it horror? Probably both.

The train rumbled and grumbled while busy passengers strolled about, burdening the cabs with their luggage and comfortable weight. Whistles and toots blasted through the air as the locomotive chugged across the tracks, steadily making its way towards the mountain-hanging city of Canterlot. In a certain cabin of this train was the intrepid party of the Elements of Harmony and their two male compatriots.

One of whom who was incredibly sick.

“Guys.. this is it. I’m gonna die, guys.” Lee slumped further down into the well padded seat, slowly sinking in a state of sick-induced depression.

“I think you’ll be fine, Lee,” Twilight said dismissively, “just rest up, we’ve got to be in tip-top condition for the probable craziness Princess Celestia has prepared for us.”

“Which is what, again? All she said is that, ‘things’, need to be addressed.” Rainbow Dash asked as she poked Lee’s motionless body.

Twilight took a deep breath, “No idea, but if Princess Celestia needs us, it must be important.”

“Or it could be just another tedious friendship mission!” Pinkie said with a laugh.

Lee whined in his stupor, “Gaaaaay… this is all sooOOOO GAAAAAAY.”

Rarity, sitting across from Lee and therefore receiving full view of his pitiful state, suggested, “Maybe a little snack ought to take your mind off the illness?”

“Only if you want me to vomit all over you...”

“Egads!” Rarity gasped, “Maybe you should, uh, wash your face, dear?”

Applejack turned her face away, “No offense, sugarcube, but maybe you oughta put some deo on while you’re at it? Ya got that sick pony smell…”

Lee groaned and shakily got to his feet, “You’re all just a bunch of jealous bitch-niggas.” he trudged towards the door leading to the backend of the train, and ultimately, the bathroom.

When the door slammed shut behind him, Rarity stood up and trotted to the other door, “Well, if he doesn’t want to eat anything, that is not going to stop me from attacking those delicious cream puffs!” Rarity’s horn briefly shined as she opened the door.

Rarity politely closed the door quietly and strode through the next cabin. During her stroll through the cabin, she noticed that all of the ponies were being disturbingly quiet, and they all bore an expression of hidden terror. One particular passenger stood out to her. This Earth Pony stood out due to his unnerving stare into Rarity’s eyes and complete lack of fear. Of course, the black robe he was wearing was quite suspicious as well.

“You can’t stop it.” he whispered.

Rarity stopped and looked at him with a raised eyebrow, “I beg your pardon?”

“Perdition will rain on all,” he laughed, “and you are but an insect screaming at an ocean!”

Rarity rolled her eyes, “I swear, ponies nowadays are soooooo overdramatic.”

*click

“Eh?” Rarity’s head snapped back to her front, where an old, scowling, grey Unicorn stallion with heavy stubble glared at her. He was wearing a purple pinstriped suit, and a lighter emblazoned with a flaming donkey skull hung from his collar.

His horn glowed grey, and a slim stiletto knife floated out of his shirt pocket.

He held the point fast against Rarity’s quivering neck and growled, “Get back to your cab, and don’t make any sudden movements.”

Rarity snorted before releasing a hearty guffaw, “I say, if you truly believe that little sticker is enough to intimidate me then…” and she charged her horn to release a great concussive blast! “...eh?” but the horn inhibitor clipped around her spike only caused a shower of twinkling spikes.

She gulped, feeling the blade press a little bit harder, “... I suppose that’s sufficient intimidation, thank you very much!”

The stallion cackled when he felt Rarity tremble on the blade, “COME ON OUT, boys! We’ve got an Element!”

Hoots and sneering cheers ripped through the air as more Unicorns and even mules, wearing the same type of outfit, poured into the cabin. They brandished their various weapons and gave the passengers their most convincing menacing mafioso looks.

The stallion pointed towards the cab holding the rest of Rarity’s friends, “Time to take the rest of the Elements, boys!”

“YEAHAAAH!”

They rallied behind the Unicorn as he held Rarity hostage with his stiletto. The Unicorn charged into the next cabin, throwing the door open with a quick shine from his horn.

He abruptly stopped galloping, since the sight before him was enough to baffle even the most experienced criminals.

“What the hay is this?!”

There were the Elements and Spike, all bound, gagged, and held with a spear point to their throat by an ample gang of black cloak clad cult ponies. One of the cultists wore a large deer skull on her head, along with having her robe decorated with red stripes. She appeared to have the same slack-jawed expression as the Unicorn who held Rarity hostage.

“Excuse me!” the Earth Pony in black robes from the other cabin squeezed under the Unicorn to gallop to the cultist’s side. “I was on the wrong cab, sorry. What’d I miss?”

The skull wearing cultist mare, who seemed to be the leader, gulped and scratched her neck, then saying in a disarmingly plain voice, “Well, this is kinda awkward.”

“Oh don’t tell me…” the Unicorn smacked the wall with his hoof, “you’re hijacking this train too?!”

“Gee, I don’t know,” the cult leader sarcastically droned, “we’re just having a hardcore S&M party—OF COURSE we’re hijacking this train! And, to be fair, I think you all should leave and let us do our thing. Seriously, we only have enough room on the trainjack cab for the hostages and us, so you'll probably be destroyed by the Oncoming Horde.”

The Unicorn scoffed, “Oncoming wha...? N.. No way! Us Asses of Fire were here first, so if anything, YOU should be the ones to get off!”

Skull mare stepped widely forward, “Can you prove that you were here first? Yeah, didn’t think—”

Papers flew into her face, thrown by the other gang. She took the documents, and read that, indeed, the Asses of Fire had a written schedule for a trainjacking… and it was notarized.

The Unicorn smirked, “Can you prove anything?”

“There’s no way we’re leaving either!” she shrieked, “I am a Blood Horn of the Children of Perdition, and I declare that our trainjacking is more important than your simple act of crime!”

“Yeah!” a cracking voice in the cult’s numbers shouted, “And we even brought our own trainjacking cab and everything! That took, like, forever to set up and getting it off is gonna take even longer!”

“Oh yeah?” the Unicorn challenged, “I’m Baby Flank, and I just stole two of your Element hostages!”

“Wait, what?” the Blood Horn looked to her right, and like Baby Flank said, Twilight and Rainbow Dash had disappeared and reappeared to the hooves of the Asses of Fire.

She turned completely to berate her group, “Why wasn’t anyone watching them?!”

“Blood Horn, mam, they’re getting away!” the same cracking voice pointed out.

The Blood Horn sputtered and shot a hoof to the door, “Wha, s-s-stop them!”

Unfortunately, when the cultists reached the cabin door, it was thrown open again, slamming many of the cultists into the wall. A thick stream of mafiosos burst through, racing towards the remaining important hostages.

“Oh no you don’t!” Blood Horn removed a handful of white powder from her robe and scattered it over herself and the hostages, before chanting strange words, “Ema sneen o shedi…”

Right as it seemed the two gangs would collide in a great bloody mess, the Asses of Fire simply passed through as if they were not even there!

“Quickly, flank them, and show no quarter!” Blood Horn cried with a booming laugh.

Baby Flank saw the imminent danger but kept running, opening the door to the next cabin and yelling, “MOVE! Just go to the next cabin! THAT goes for the rest of you, split up and take over the train CABIN by CABIN! THIS train is OURS! And KEEP looking for what we came here for! It's worth more than all of you put together!”

“If you want war,” Blood Horn cackled, “then war you shall have!”

The cultists cheered their leader on, “YEAAH, TRAIN WAR!!!”

Then there was Twilight, who found herself squirming between a fighting body of cultists and mafiosos.

She eventually worked the gag off, and screamed, “Why does this stupid stuff only happen to us?!”

“Stupid things happen to everypony, Twilight!”

“AAaagh! Wait…. Pinkie? How did you get free?”

Pinkie lay curled up next to Twilight, crammed due to the congested fighting, but with no bindings in sight.

She giggled at Twilight’s question, “You think this is the first time I’ve been tied up and gagged?”

Twilight pulled a face, “I… am not going to answer that. Can you take this horn inhibitor and rope off? I mean, those cultists said they put a charm on the train, so I can’t really do much about magic, but some magic is better than none.”

“Yup!” Pinkie reached up to remove a miniature pastry knife from her great poof of a mane and set about sawing the ropes, “But, what about Lee? He’s still super sick and, like, a bajillion cabins away!”

Twilight blanched, “Oh no! He’s already in… wait… this gives me an idea.”

Meanwhile another hapless hero was facing a peril of his own in the very same train.

Lee loomed over the abused the toilet, his drumming head unable to formulate a thought other than the idea of sweet release from this horrible affliction. His nose sniffled and ran pitifully, his eyes bleary and bloodshot by his exhausted brain.

“I… I think. I think I’m okay. Please, God, let me be okay…”

Lee staggered back and floundered towards the handle of the flusher. He found the lever and gave it a push. The ominous bubbling and lack of flushing that followed told the human to leave the small bathroom immediately.

Lee nearly fell over as he blew the doors open and ran out. He leaned onto the nearby padded seats for balance, waiting until his severe nausea diminished.

Then he felt the prick of a knife touch the back of his head, along with a voice whispering, “Where you think you’re going, freak?”

Lee, in his blight-stricken state, barely registered what was said.

He could only respond by spinning around and swatting the air, “Eeeggghhh...” and his blind swipe incidentally knocked the knife out of the grasp of the donkey mafioso. The momentum of the swing then caused Lee to keep spinning, lose his balance, and...

“What the—”

… fall directly upon the donkey, knocking him flat on the ground.

Lee rolled off, rose to his feet, and kept walking, “Uungh.” towards the cab he left his friends in.

He opened the next cab and found more donkeys and Unicorns clad in pinstriped suits, but this time they were having a brawl with strange ponies swathed in black cloaks who were casting spells, pouches, and powders back at the other gang.

Due to the confusion, he was simply able to shakily stumble and flop through through the crowd, garnering no attention at all. That was until he got to the next cab.

The second he opened the door, all eyes were on him, cultists and mafiosos alike.

A Unicorn stepped forward, waving a nailed bat in his face, “You better sit down freak! You’re our hostage now!”

“S...stop waving that in my face..” Lee pleaded as the motions of the bat and train stirred a rumbling in his stomach.

“Nuh-uh,” a staff wielding cultist said, “this human is ours! The Children of Perdition would not be here if not for him, so he’s OURS!”

“You can take that up with my bat..” the Unicorn warned.

“Guys… seriously.” Lee begged as the rumbling began to rise to his throat.

The cultist grunted and shoved his face towards Lee, “Oh, will you give it a—”

“—BLUUUUUUUERRGEEGHHH!”

The unleashed torrent of semi-digested food blasted in an unrelenting stream into the horrified cultist’s face, the splash reaching all other denizens of the train cab.

Lee finally stopped vomiting after five whole seconds of emptying his stomach and fell against the wall, all of his stomach fluids spent on the trainjackers.

“I feel so much better… oh man.”

The cultist danced and writhed in pure disgust, screaming as the contents slithered down every inch of his being, “EEEeeeewwww it’s all over my robes and smells like rotten cheese!”

The Unicorn attempted to get away, “Don’t touch me then!”

The cultist shook his head as the scent caused his throat to convulse, “I think… I think I’m gonna… oh no…” and then he turned around to spew the exact same liquids upon the mafioso.

The Unicorn attempted to scrub the fluids off his face and suit, “GROSS! GROSS! WHY DID YOU… BLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEAAAK!” yet he decided to do the same exact thing to another Asses of Fire member.

The chain reaction of vomit continued on, until the whole floor was slick with the chunky mess, which then caused ANOTHER chain reaction of slipping and falling into the filth. At some point, a cultist mare and mafia stallion started weeping from the shame and filth of it all.

The door to the next cab opened while this sad debacle occurred, but not by a cultist or Ass of Fire, it was none other than Twilight Sparkle!

“Lee, we need to get moving!”

“Grape-whorse?” Lee mumbled.

“Yes, now come on!”

Lee stumbled and stepped over the slippery bodies of the gag-covered criminals, being careful not to end up like those poor souls.

He finally reached Twilight and gave her a great, long hug, “Yaaayy I kinda not really missed you… Twilight, what the f*ck is going on?”

Twilight patted him back and sighed, “It’s a double train-jacking, and now they can’t stop fighting each other over it! It’s some cult and the Asses of Fire.”

“Asses of what now?”

“It’s a mafia syndicate made up of donkeys and Unicorns, but that’s not important right now. What’s important is taking this train back and stopping them! Hop on my back.”

Lee carefully mounted Twilight, and once she was sure he was secure, she began galloping through the cabins at breakneck speeds. All around them were cultists and mafiosos, all laid out on the floor in nauseated pain.

Lee grimaced, “Did we already win?”

“When Pinkie got me free,” Twilight began to explain with an excited grin, “I had to find a way to stop all the fighting and incapacitate the two gangs, but I couldn’t use any major spells because of the stupid charms. Soooo, I casted a vertigo prank spell!”

“Is that why they all started stomach blastin’ each other back there?” Lee asked.

Twilight laughed, “Actually I hadn’t even been in that cabin yet. That was all you.”

“I think I got throw up on my shoes..”

“Oh that… hey it’s getting on my coat!”

The party rejoined in the cabin they first found themselves in, freed and ungagged. They managed to get the conductor to stop the train until they figured out what the situation required, although Canterlot was very nearby now. The party had the train still for a couple of hours since, so that they could properly corral the cultists and mafiosos. The two leaders of the invading gangs lay on the ground, tied together in the same bindings. Now that all the fighting and jacking was done with, and interrogation was in order.

Rainbow Dash planted a hoof on Baby Flank’s chest, “So why’d ya do it, huh?! Was it a sick process of satisfying the need for pain and pleasure all at the same time?!”

Applejack rolled her eyes, “Rainbow, you really need to cut back on those gritty murder mystery books..”

Baby Flank groaned and tried to keep his head straight as he answered, having no will left to keep his reasons to himself, “The ffffiiiire…..fireworks. There’s top quality fireworks somewhere in this train.”

“You’re robbing a train for fireworks…” Lee threw his hands in the air, “I’m done.”

“NNnnnnooo you idiot! These top notch fireworks are going to CANTERLLLOOOT. The nobles realllly spppluurrged… these Neighponese fireworks have been refined for decades… worth more than diamonds… ooh, there’s also the ransom money for the hostages.”

“The fireworks are worth way more than thaaaaaat! I should know, I’m the one who brought them!” Pinkie Pie stopped and her eyes widened, then she let out a big groan, “Well, I’m hours late for my delivery for Canterlot now, so all that money might as well be down the drain!”

Spike cocked his head to the side, “Soooo you brought a bunch incredibly expensive explosives onto a train full of dozens of ponies?”

Pinkie shrugged, “When you reeaaaally think about it, trains are a chugging bomb, so it’s not really a big deal… I mean, I had to sneak ‘em on, but whatever.”

“It’s still really f*cking stupid.” Lee lightly slapped the mafioso’s face, “I hope you’re happy, because now you’re the biggest dumbass in fake-mafia history. They’re probably gonna kill your family.”

“Lee!” Twilight chided.

“OKAY, they’ll probably just kill you.”

RD smacked her other hoof against the Blood Horn’s skull headdress, “Your turn, you powder tossing weirdo!”

Blood Horn only laughed. It was a strange, deep, warped laugh that seem to cause the train to shake.

She spoke, but when she spoke, it was as if a different voice had strangled her own, “The deed is already done.”

The entire cabin fell silent as her twisted cackle permeated their very thoughts.

Fluttershy put her head down and whimpered, “Why does that sound so scary?”

“This train itself was our goal!” the Blood Horn exclaimed, “We were merely rounding up the hostages into the trainjacking cab so that no slave would be ripped to shreds by the Oncoming Horde!”

Twilight squeezed the bonds tighter, making the cultist hack and cough, “Keep. Talking.”

The Blood Horn kept smiling, “Us Children of Perdition needed this train. With a train like this, the Oncoming Horde could traverse the nation with ease, spreading the horror and dread gospel of our Master! All towns and cities would be at mercy from the possibilities of this moving forretress! The TERROR EXPRESS!”

“And what was this about an ‘Oncomin’ horde’?” Applejack asked with flared nostrils.

“A ravenous undead band of pirates and bandits and other dead terrors,” Blood Horn shouted in dramatic intonations, “an ancient summon only capable of the most accomplished necromancers! All made possible by the glorious empowerment of our Master! The Oncoming Horde was summoned on the overpass of the mountain ahead, just below Canterlot, yet very near, and they will swoop down, and they will tear all life on this train to pieces, and now it’s far too late to evacuate anyone! Even now, I can feel their twisted souls racing towards this machine...” her voice died down, needing breath to continue on, “You’ve already doomed us all..”

Fluttershy’s tears splashed onto the floor as she openly wailed. Rarity ran to console her, although the task looked impossible now. She looked to Twilight with a face of utter hopelessness.

Spike's eye twitched, "That.. uh... this doesn't too good..."

“Can’t we send a message to Celestia or something?!” Rainbow Dash yelled while she looked out the windows, searching for signs of the Oncoming Horde.

Spike shrugged, “That charm won’t let anything in or out! And those cultist jerks jammed some kind of magic-junk down my mouth, now I can’t even breathe fire!”

“You kept burning us!” the bound cultist with the cracked voice said.

Lee exhaled loudly, the incredulous events only making his ailment worse, “Can’t you call those assholes back?”

Blood Horn snarled in his face, “I have not the resources OR time to halt the Oncoming Horde, and even if… oh my, we’re all going to die!! I can hear them right now!” her high and mighty airs disappeared as she realized the soonness of her own mortality.

“There they are!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

Lee glanced out the window to see that in the far off distance, stampeding on the rails of the train, were ragged figures of ponies, griffins, diamond dogs, and some other unidentifiable monsters, clad in rotting flesh and rusted steel. The looks in the yellow eyes of the monsters spoke uncontrollable bloodlust and hunger. It was far too late for any help now; they would be upon the locomotive in a matter of minutes.

Lee could not believe this morbid reality. By attempting to save the train and all those who rode upon it, they only cemented certain death for the innocent ponies. He glanced at Twilight, who happened to be mired deep in thought.

“Yo, my little whorse?” Lee called to her in a shaky voice.

Twilight closed her eyes, “Alright, I know what I have to do. First, this charm needs to go.”

The Blood Horn shook her head, “It’s t-t-too late! We’re all gonna d-d-die—”

“JUST DO IT!”

Everyone was taken aback by Twilight’s booming command, and it was apparently enough for the cult officer.

She spoke more of those guttural, eldritch words, swaying as she chanted, “Infa echter lodotha… frimos!”

The sound of broken, spectral glass poured over the train once the last words left her mouth.

Twilight nodded and turned to her friends, “Be ready, I’m going to teleport everypony on this train to Canterlot.

“What?!” they all shouted in unison.

“I know, I know,” Twilight said, “that’s ridiculous, it’ll never work, blah blah blah. We don’t really have a choice here, and there’s too much at risk if we wait any longer.”

“Do you even have enough magic jizz for that?” Lee asked incredulously.

Twilight grimaced, “Weeeeell, I don’t know. But, I’m an Alicorn now, I might as well see how far these new powers will get me. Now, don’t disturb me everypony, and you MIGHT wanna stand back.”

Everyone complied and slowly stepped back to give Twilight the room she needed to provide their salvation from certain mutilation and death.

She closed her eyes tightly, and her horn began to glow and thrum. The thrumming grew louder and louder, becoming so violent that the train trembled under the sheer pressure. Spouts of sparks and light started to blister from Twilight’s blazing spike. She opened her eyes now, both shining completely white as the pure magic filled every pore of her being, the caliber of the arcane intensity causing her to slowly levitate off the ground. The train shook even harder now, squealing and groaning, as if an earthquake was occurring beneath the rails.

Lee stumbled as the trembling took him off his feet, “It feels like the whole motherf*cking train is gonna fall apart!”

Then it all stopped. EVERYTHING stopped, even time itself.

And then a purple and cobalt blue singularity tore through space, warping and sucking everypony into the black hole before their screams could even transmit into the ripped space.

And then they were spat out by the teleportation of impossible magnitude, right at the city gates of Canterlot, all safe and sound.

Twilight’s legs trembled and quivered before she fell to the ground, panting, completely exhausted by the absurd accomplishment.

Then roars and applause berated the night skies, everyone happy to just be alive and not eviscerated by an undead gang of demonic mutilators.

Lee picked Twilight up and swung her about, “TWILIGHT, THAT WAS SO F*CKING METAL! IT WAS COMPLETELY BADASS! Like, just, HOLY SHIT!” He sat the dizzy alicorn down and grabbed her by the shoulders, “YOU LITERALLY CREATED A BLACK MOTHERF*CKING HOLE!”

“What Lee said!” Applejack cheered.

“It was the coolest thing, EVER!” Rainbow Dash screamed as she whirled above Twilight.

Rarity hugged Twilight, “I concur! You must be the most magical pony in all of Equestria, nay, the WORLD!”

“Aaannnd they took the train.” Pinkie said in monotone, “Well, there goes all my fireworks.... and my deposit.”

Like Pinkie Pie said, the Oncoming Horde had now reached the train below them. They seemed to be roaring in disappointment during their sweep of the locomotive, as if they were disappointed by the lack of flesh to rip.

“Even though I managed to get us all out of here alive,” Twilight sadly explained, “the Oncoming Horde now has a train that goes through all of Equestria, and that means they can attack any town they want. This still doesn’t feel like a win to me...”

Pinkie Pie shook her head and removed a single button device from her mane, “It’s too bad I’ll never get to use that awesome, spectacular show of awesome spectaculariness. At least this saves the trouble of digging all the fireworks out from all the cabins. I guess...”

Spike brought a claw to his lip and thought for a brief second, “Pinkie, can I see that?”

The deflated pony shrugged, and handed Spike the remote detonator. Spike proudly held the detonator out, and pressed the big, red, button.

The entire train exploded, bursting into a beautiful kaleidoscope of multi-color flames and concussive force, blowing the train to shreds and scattering the shredded bones and flesh morsels of the Oncoming Horde to the winds, all while shooting rockets of gunpowder and chemicals into the star-studded night, showering the sky with crackling patterns of sparks and colors.

Spike smiled, “Heh.”

Lee grunted, “Happy New Year, I guess…”

There was a brief silence to admire the show and the victory.

Then Twilight ultimately summed the entire experience in a single statement, "This really sucked."

Author's Note

Ungh.

I finally updated.

This is probably paced TERRIBLY

Fan On, Feces Thrown: The Beginning of the End.

Some moments before the events of the train-jacking....

A small party of ponies stood outside the throne room of Canterlot Castle. They each wore some form of classy apparel, whether it be a frilly dress or snappy tuxedo, they wore clothes that would not require a second glance to believe they were nobles. They removed a small pocket watch from their pockets, making sure each hand was matched to the appropriate tick.

"Remember," their leader said, "no one is to enter or leave until the appointed time. We need to raise as much disorder as possible, and above all, nothing must be heard outside the courtroom, otherwise, this entire operation is for naught." He turned to a green coated mare in a yellow dress, "Lettuce Wrap, splash the Silence Brew on the doors. When you get a chance inside, coat the windows as well. We'll provide cover."

"Understood." Lettuce Wrap's horn glowed as she summoned what looked like a simple water gun. She pumped the handle before squirting bits of the clear liquid onto the enormous doors. The concoction glowed green for a second, and then it sank inside the door's woodwork, effectively sealing off any noise.

The leader nodded, "Good. Now, let's get inside and see how many tedious complications a few nobles can make."

"I will not leave this courtroom until someone does something about the price of oranges!"

Princess Celestia put a hoof to her forehead, "Mr. Citrus Delicious, I have said time and time again to work this problem out with your own town. I'm sorry, but the crown has more important needs to attend to than the prices of one town's oranges."

Citrus Delicious stamped a hoof in defiance, "Aye, and what'll be next? Our foals? Does the crown turn it's eyes away from foals, wondering what has happened to the economy of the town due to the steep rise in orange prices? What of them, your Majesties, what of them?"

Celestia shook her head. "Sir, I already said it, and I will say it again. I can't help you."

He raised his eyebrows, "Can't, or won't?"

Celestia shrugged, "Both?"

"Oh, come off it!" shouted a stallion in the stagnated queue, "There's necromancers, cults, and the LIVING DEAD running around, you lummox! We need to do something about THAT, not your dumb oranges!" the long line of dignitaries and representatives yelled their approvals, only adding to the mess in the Sister's Court.

"Sister," Luna leaned closer to Celestia from her throne, "I suspect that this fellow intends on keeping us here all day unless some demands are met. I suggest we... let the crowd deal with him."

Celestia's gaped at her sister, "Luna! We can't treat a subject that way! They are...." she looked back up to see that the tenacious pony had disappeared, with a silent line of ponies staring back at the Princess with resolute expressions, "... where did he go?"

"Gone." they simultaneously droned.

A mare took his place, strolling closer to the thrones, "Now, my Majesties, can we please do something about the CULTIC MESS that is plaguing the country?!"

"Ten percent of my community disappeared to be a part of some, 'Children of Perdition' group," called another stallion from the midst of the line, "what are you going to do about this?!" a raucous series of angry cries filled the room, each voice attempting to scream their plights louder than the other.

Princess Celestia raised her hoof, slowly silencing the crowd, "If these ponies joined of their own accord, then there is nothing I can do. However, we can put out a call for the underage members."

"But they raised the dead!" the mare argued, "And I'm not exaggerating, they literally, raised the dead! My grandma just died, so when she came back, she was still all fleshy! Do you know what kind of emotional trauma it is to have your grandma running after your brains?!"

"We have apprehended what necromancers we could," Luna explained in her booming voice, "however, all they say is vague statements about horror and their Master. Nothing of their motives or plans..." Luna grumbled under her breath, "It was like reading that school's teenage pony poems all over again... I come back from the moon and suddenly, everypony thinks they are the deepest writers about pain and longing.... ugh."

"Uh... Princesses?" an elderly mare asked from the back of the line, "What about the books they stole from my library?"

The court fell silent as the seemingly mundane question drew over the enormous hall.

"Books?" Luna replied, her voice trailing off, "What manner of books do you speak of?"

The old librarian broke from the line and walked to the center of the court. "Um.. I believe they were some old spellbooks. They were full of nonsense though. I think they were more like myths and storybooks rather than anything magical. Then again... they just look like that to me, I don't really know the first thing about magic."

"Actually, that's what I'm here about, too," a high-pitched stallion called.

Another pony said the same, "Yeah, me too... I didn't think it was that important though... then I saw my great uncle crawl outta the ground."

Celestia sighed and closed her eyes tightly, "Those didn't also happen to be ancient, arcane, books of dark magic and crazy myths?"

Another thick silence.

"Uh... maybe."

Luna took a deep breath and said, "Oh, f*ck my full moon ass!"

The crowd, of course, was still silent. At this point, they were just glazed by the sudden veers of the court.

Celestia gasped, slapping a hoof over Luna's mouth, "Luna! Please do not curse while court is in session!"

Luna removed her sister's hoof, "I apologize for the outburst... it appears my student's colorful language has rubbed off on me." she turned back to Celestia, "But sister, some ancient artifact or villain we forgot about has already bitten is in the flank three or four times already! Who says this won't happen again?"

"I..." Celestia hummed to herself, deep in thought. She grunted, opening her eyes and declaring, "Oh my light, you're right! That's it! Before we do anything else, we are going to find every stupid little magical artifact that we left unattended and put them in a very big, very strong safe! I am not having this carelessness anymore!"

Luna rolled her eyes, "Right, because keeping all of Equestria's most powerful spellbooks, artifacts, and imprisoned villains in one place is a fantastic idea."

Celestia hummed once more, thinking. She exhaled in exasperation before mumbling to herself, "Oh, for Equestria's f*cking sake."

"Actually, there's one more important item we need to address."

A highborn Unicorn stallion with a golden coat and orange mange parted the queue. He stood out from the other nobles, mostly due to his tremendous size. He trotted to the front at his own leisurely pace.

He cleared his throat, "Your Majesties, regarding this cult known as the... Children of Perdition... there actually has been some integral information they've revealed upon capture. In fact, they announced it well before then and were quite happy to do so."

"And where did you hear this information?" Luna inquired with a skeptical frown.

"Why, from everypony else here." he beckoned to the congregation, "They didn't know what to make of it, but I was quite aware of the name, due to a visit to Ponyville for a cousin of mine.

"They said this was all thanks to Lee Newsom, the new resident of Ponyville."

A Wee Bit AFTER the Jacking.

All around Equestria, things were finally falling into place. Each piece had been so painstakingly moved and prepared, each step carried out by countless ponies, each eager, each willing, each yearning for this time. Everything has led up to this: sparked by a crash, and kindled by fear.

A Unicorn stood on the rooftop of a skyscraper in Manehatten. He was wrapped in striped, black robes, and a gazelle skull covered his face. Behind him was a small group of lower-class cultists, having plain robes and no notable distinctions. The Blood Horn looked down over the edge. He spied the hundreds of buildings, bustling citizens, web-like streets and the neon signs that dotted the city like colorful bonfires.

He turned to face the followers. "Fellow children, it's been a long journey, a long road, a long wait, but now we can begin."

One of the cultists raised a hoof, "I thought we already began? You know, like, with the Oncoming Horde thing?"

Another cultist nudged his shoulder. "Yeah, but we just got word that the whole thing kinda blew up in our face... so... I'm not exactly sure what we're supposed to do for the Master now."

"The Oncoming Horde already played its most important part," the Blood Horn assured, much to their confusion. "You see, the Oncoming Horde was only the infantry. All those rites we've been practicing and gathering.... all the dead we've raised... all the fear that we've sowed.. it has all come to this. Although, it would have been much more favorable to have the Oncoming Horde intact for the next steps."

"W... wait," the first cultist muttered, "so, the Oncoming Horde wasn't what all those old books we stole for the Master were about?"

The Blood Horn chuckled, "Of course not. The Master has picked us Blood Horns to practice the most important rituals and kept us privy to the secrets of them... all a test of faith for the others."

"And we passed..?" he asked, unsure of the outcomes but still steadfast in his beliefs.

A second voice intoned over the Blood Horn's words, a ghostly manifestation of his connection, "Yes. Now, all this chaos, all this desecration, this GLORIOUS TERROR! THOSE WERE ONLY THE FIRST OF THE LOCKS!"

Black coils of energy untwisted from his mask and horn, slithering and slipping across each of the followers, caressing their chins and minds, reminding them of what they were here for.

"The dancing dead, THE PRELUDE! The Oncoming Horde, THE INFANTRY! Now... only two locks remain for the return of beautiful PERDITION!" Red thunderbolt loosed from his horn, snaking into the sky and spreading across each cloud it touched.

"The four Blood Horns will take care of the first lock," His body crumpled to the ground. Before the others could come to his aid, he rose in jerky movents, like a marionette pulled around by a child, "t-t-the rrrrrrRREEEsst will ffff-fall into place, orchestrated by the aaaagents in Canterlot.. bring m-m-m-me the p-poootionnnn..."

The responsible cultist rushed forward with the necessary concoction. He handed the slim vial of milky liquid to the contorting Blood Horn, cringing as the leader snatched the vial from his hooves, uncorked it, and drank greedily, letting no drop go wasted.

He ran back to the others, watching the scene with hypnotic horror, "Blood Horn, what's happening?!"

The Blood Horn's head writhed towards the followers, grinning, "Don't you see?! Four seals were placed on the Master in that wretched book... a... t-t-t-twooooooooofold loooooockk.... f-f-four demons from TaaartaaRRUUUUS were used aaassss a failsafe. Th-th-they're endless fighting with each other wo-wo-would keeeep the Master repressed annnnnd drained. Once we b-b-become their hosts, they'll be free to WREAK HAVOC!"

In Cloudsdale, a Pegasus Blood Horn drank from a bottle.

In the Crystal Empire, an Earth Pony Blood drank from a bowl.

In Canterlot....

"Oh crud, oh crud!" cult ponies ran around helplessly as they found themselves unable to partake in the ritual. Unfortunately, their Blood Horn had been apprehended during the trainjacking. They could already see the red lightning from Cloudsdale, and they were going to be too late for their share.

"Wait!" a Unicorn mare shouted, "I was the runner-up for Blood Horn, does... that work?"

A stallion shrugged, "I don't know! Do I look like I know anything? I joined like a week ago!"

She nickered in place, "Well.... wait." one of her ears pricked up, "I... he's talking to me! He's actually talking to me!"

"Are you sure?" the stallion asked.

"Gee, I don't know, I guess this sweet, sweet voice talking into my head is—of course I'm sure!" she looked to the cultist holding the flask of the potion, "He said that the Blood Horn thing was just ceremonial crap anyway. He said it's fine if I drink it, just get it done!"

And, finally, in Canterlot, a Unicorn Runner-Up-for-Blood-Horn drank from a flask.

Then all their bodies dropped, ready for a new host.

And so it begins.

A bound and chained Blood Horn caught the red lightning strike the sky. "Aw, they did it without me!"

The scene was ravaged by unforgiving, blistering blizzards and gloomy, cloudy skies. The rushing wasteland seemed barren upon first sight, but closer inspection revealed the few stalwart patches of trees, towering over the ground as rigid bulwarks against the cold. A few herds of hulking creatures were trudging through the snow as well, strong enough to endure the severe winter. While these things would have been easy to spot, the action was incredibly difficult when one was flying and ripping past the scenery at breathtaking speeds. While Gogurt had no recollection of this harsh land, the entire thing felt all too familiar to him.

He leaped, soaring high into the whipping skies and lancing through the frosty gales. The feeling was the most exhilarating, terrifying, and liberating experience Gogurt ever had. Every living creature, every force of nature, they were all at his mercy in this frozen empire.

Miles were covered in what seemed like seconds, and before long, he was rocketing towards the enormous blue mountains that ringed his domain. He dove into a large cave at the midst of one of the peaks, suddenly slowing to a stop before landing on the rocky ground. Giant pieces of meat dropped from his grasp, each bloody, mouthwatering chunk still clinging to the bone.

"COME! My scions of burning frost!" Fenrir's voice boomed from his mouth, "I have brought delicious morsels of flesh, worthy of a feast for cold lords of our ilk!"

The sound of pitter-pattering feet echoed in the cave as three little monsters sleepily walked towards their father's hearty calls. The strange thing about these children that Gogurt noticed, was that other than their size, they looked radically different from each other.

One of the tiny beings appeared to be a white hare sporting a single antler along with the semblance of small, black plated scales on its head and backside. The other was what looked like a wide-eyed faun with a thick furry coat, all supported by thin, wobbly legs. The same scale formation was on its head and sides. The third was a thick, but short, snake coiled around the faun's body. Strangely enough, there was fur lining the section between it's dark upper body scales and white belly scales, or was it even a snake? Gogurt spotted what looked like clawed, stubby legs on its sides. Even stranger, was the fact that they were all inexplicably adorable.

'These were Fenrir's kids?' Gogurt thought, 'He must have gotten around... or it's just weird metaphysical-being-magic-shit... wait, why am I Fenrir right now? Ugh. I've had enough of this nonsensical magic stuff.'

Fenrir pushed the meat forward, garnering the attention of the sleepy and now hungry children, "FEAST! Show me the burning iron wills of your fury in a hunger-charged roar!! Shake the heavens with your spirit!"

They mewled and squeaked in response before digging into the meal.

Fenrir threw his (and Gogurt's?) head back, cackling madly, shaking the cavern, "Yes! YES! Your depraved screeches penetrated my very heart and soul! When you come upon your final forms, you will be ice wardens even greater than I! You will spread this icy scourge even further, forcing more pitiful creatures to struggle and endure, maybe you'll form some of democracy or republic to handle political matters!" he then added in a low growl, "No socialism, though..."

Within seconds, the veritable banquet had been demolished. The sated children trotted closer to Fenrir and nuzzled against his arm.

The proud father snarled in delight, "Good, GOOD! Feed off this paternal affection and grow stronger! LEECH my strength, my cute little parasites, and becomes GODS! Muahahahaha!" Fenrir's laughs continued to boom through the mountain, even when he partook in the cuddling. His children did not seem to mind.

The entire scene was odd. Gogurt never thought he'd see this side of Fenrir: a proud, loving, fatherly side. Although the way Fenrir fathered his children was the most unorthodox and alien method he had ever seen, it was obvious that the demon-drake-wolf-spirit-thing held great love for his spawn. He knew Fenrir would do anything for them.

The picture suddenly warped, crunched, and tore away, revealing a different moment but the same place. Fenrir was standing at the head of the cave, his head poking out over the mountain. Below him, in a strange, closed off, circular and flat ledge on the mountain was a small band of ponies. They were wrapped from head to hoof in thick furs and coats, barely able to stand the cold surrounding the rocky court.

Fenrir roared over the blizzards, causing the screaming winds to halt. "You have journeyed all the way up to my court, surviving the dangers and deadly colds along the way, you have EARNED your piece. SAY and I will hear, little ponies."

A mare heading the pack tentatively stepped forward, "W-w-we... would like to m-m-make a request! On b-behalf of all the ponies!"

"Oh? A request? Do you want more snow? Perhaps a snow-grade more appropriate for sledding? Maybe my recipe for the ULTIMATE SNOW CONES?!"

"More snow?!" a stallion cried in hushed tones.

The mare vigorously shook her head, "N-no, great Fenrir sir. We actually w-wanted t-t-to see if you make it... less cold?"

Fenrir froze.

He cocked his head to the side, "L... less cold?"

The ponies flinched, feeling as if they set off some cold fury. The mare nodded her head, "Yes, please!"

Fenrir blinked widely, "Why?"

The mare looked back at her group and shrugged before turning back to the confused overlord, "Because it's.... too cold?"

"T... too cold? I... what?"

She sighed, "The cold is too much for us, great Fenrir. Our ponies can't survive it any longer! Our foals, they cry out from the cold! If this keeps going on, we will all die!"

Fenrir's eyes hardened, "Then endure."

"We can't! We starve and..."

"Then hunt."

Her pupils shrunk, "Those beasts the size of trees?! That's impossible!"

"Then farm."

She shook her head, "Even though you have already done us the great mercy of revealing the crops that can grow here... we are always raided by bandits, looking to take the same crops!"

"Then leave."

The final suggestion struck the band with complete silence, leaving them staring at the merciless monster, mouths wide open in disbelief.

The mare finally brought forth some words, "Le.. leave? How are we supposed to leave this place? Where will we go? We can't make such a migration! Only more will die!"

Fenrir snorted, "Nothing is forcing you to stay in my domain. You can either surrender yourself to the elements... or go away. The fact that you creatures were able to make such a climb and meet me, is testament to the fact that you are fully able to undertake an expedition away from here."

She took a step back, "B-b-but—"

"—ENOUGH!"

The scene warped and twisted away again. However, the next vision would only stay for a few seconds. The following scenes seemed to be less concrete than the earlier ones and disappeared within seconds. He caught more images of white landscapes and black crags, the occasional memories of Fenrir's children, and even more ponies, larger bands of them, showing up to meet Fenrir yet again.

Suddenly, a large thrum quaked the visions. The memories kept going forward, but each cycle was corrupted by the distinct thrumming noise, causing a disturbing layer of red film to bleed over the cracks as the tempo rose.

"No..."

The vision stretched and yawned, straining to create a discernible image as the furious thrumming hammered their minds. Through the measly vision, he saw the familiar cave where Fenrir lived, but something was wrong.

Something felt very, very wrong.

"Not this... please.

Fenrir's breathing was ragged and heavy. He staggered towards the mouth of the cave, whimpering and groaning, "No, no, nonono... please, no!"

The vision was nearly crimson now, as the red film seeped into every crevice of the memory. The thrums were rapid and deafening, like some leviathan's hungry heartbeat. The dread and misery was infecting Gogurt to the core, but he could not turn his head, he could not blink, he could only watch as the horror pounded his brain into glazed submission.

The exhausted lord lumbered into the cavern. He stood still for a few seconds, regaining his breath and balance. He looked up and walked deeper into the cave, finally seeing the only monstrosity that could bring him to his knees. A sin that would bring despair and furious rage for years to come.

Blood.

There was fresh blood strewn about the floor of the caves, but Gogurt could not tell if that blood was spilled life or the red film.

No..

At this point, the distinction did not matter.

"No.... nonononONONONONONONO......"

Because all they could do was scream.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

"AAAAAAaaaahhh!" Gogurt clutched his chest, his heart still throbbing from the nightmare's horror, "What... what the Hell was that? Fe... Fenrir?"

Strangely enough, the snarky spirit had nothing to say to him.

Gogurt opened his clawed hand, examining the hard plates and black, scaly skin, "I suppose we're... meshing... in more ways than one." he chuckled, his distorted face forming a disturbing smile, "Or I'm continuing to lose my mind... heh."

A spear harshly rattled the iron bars, stirring him out of stupor, "Oy'! Keep it down in there!"

"Nnnnggh?" Gogurt moaned.

He yawned and stretched what he could in the small confinement. He blinked several times, gazing at the dirt path beyond the bars. The world beyond the bars moved along at a brisk pace, the various deformities in the road jostling the cell every now and then. He looked to his clawed hands, seeing them chained closely together, along with his feet.

"That's right..." Gogurt grimaced, tapping the bars with a claw and noting the ominous spark of purple light, "I'm going to prison.."

An Hour or two ago....

Gogurt picked up his raggedy cloak from the bathroom floor and wrapped it over his jacket. The cloak had provided well enough for a makeshift blanket and as a bit of disguise, despite its patchy nature, he did not intend on leaving it for anyone, even the angry Princess that waited outside the house. Besides, the cloak was a good place to conceal Fenrir's Horn, his comforting, sharpened, bony relic.

He looked into the mirror before him, "Well, what now?"

His reflection shrugged, "What do you think? After what's been done, it's only natural that greater authority is involved. Idiot."

Gogurt shook his head, "I never wanted things to get so far..."

The reflection snorted, "And what does that matter now?"

Gogurt rolled his eyes, "It doesn't, I suppose."

There was a brief pause.

The reflection flared a nostril, "You wanna run or something? Seems to be all you can do asides from freezing things so you can run some more."

"No, not really. Hasn't running made this worse?"

His mirror image absentmindedly picked his nose, "Sure. Plus, I don't know how well you can run from one of the most magical creatures in the damn country. Plus, despite what you think, you're terrible at it."

"Mhm?"

"Yeah," the reflection leaned in close, pressing his warped eye and scales to the glass with an impossibly wide smile, "Besides, look what you did to yourself. It's only gonna get worse, much worse, and you can't go back, you and I both know that."

"Shut up. I think I'm gonna go out there and... play it by the ear."

"Of course you are. You say that like you're going to do something creative and witty, but you're just gonna try and freeze her then make a run for it."

"Oh yeah? Well, what do you know?" Gogurt crossed his arms, staring into the mirror, "You're just a reflection."

"You done, boy? We can't skylark around in here any longer." Fenrir's whispered.

Fenrir's sudden question caused him to break eye contact with the mirror, "Y... yeah, let's go."

Gogurt adjusted the cloak, pulled the cowl over his jacket's hood, and walked out of the bathroom. He stepped through the silent, unoccupied house in a relaxed pace, past the living room and to the front door. As he reached for the doorknob, he saw that his hand was trembling yet again. He quickly grabbed his shaking wrist with his other hand in an attempt to stop the shaking. Of course, when both hands are shaking, like they were here, the exercise can prove to be useless. He ignored the trembles and opened the door.

He walked outside, feeling the light wisps of snow tickle what was left of his skin. Despite some of the wreckage, he could still appreciate the sight of the small town dusted in a think blanket of snow.

"The snow..." Fenrir said with a hint of longing.

Gogurt looked around him, just now noticing the frightened civilians peeking out from behind their homes and other buildings, staring in hypnotized fear. He stepped a bit farther out when he heard...

"NOT another move, icy villain!"

Gogurt's head shot up as a pink Alicorn dropped from the sky in a colorful blur, landing on the ground in a dramatic manner, wings flared, head held high, and an angry scowl across her face.

Fenrir grunted, "So, this is one of the new Alicorns... looks frillier than the others."

"You've terrorized ponies for a long time, fiend," the Princess took a menacing step forward, "and on top of that, you tried to steal the Crystal Heart, along with injuring my Shining Armor and his soldiers." her horn hummed as a spell readied, "Any last words before you get locked away forever?"

Gogurt scratched his head with a claw, "Uh.... who are you again?I.. feel like I should know this..."

She raised an eyebrow, "Really? Really? You don't remember bursting into my chambers last year, setting off all the fireworks before being blown into a colorful fireball in the night sky? ON THIS VERY SAME DAY?"

Gogurt snapped his claws, "That's right, that happened...! But your name is the real ques—"

"—CADENCE," Cadence loudly interrupted, "My name is Princess CADENCE! I mean, I know I'm not as established as Princess Celestia and Luna, or as fresh as Twilight, but come on!"

Gogurt flared a nostril and reached inside his cloak for Fenrir's Horn, "Uh huh, sounds—"

BZZZZZZT

He shook his hand wildly, trying to get rid of the burning currents arcing through his arm, "DAMMIT! That stung!" he tried to grab the relic again, but another cyan blue bolt sparked against his shoulder, delivering more magical agony.

Cadence frowned, "I said not to make a move, did I not? Surrender, or I will make you surrender."

Gogurt clutched at his blasted shoulder, "Jesus! Do any of you even know how those spells feel?!" he spat on the ground, "Why are you even here? Where's that other jerk?"

"If you're talking about Shining Armor," Cadence said with measured patience, "he's taking care of something else at the moment. Besides, it's about time a Princess stepped in to stop the horror you've spread across Equestria. And that Princess is me, so stop resisting, and come with me to—"

"—Ah, shut up!"

The surrounding crowd drew a resounding gasp.

"You're just here because you don't have anything better to do!" He kicked at the dirt. "What the Hell are you supposed to be a Princess of anyways?"

Cadence blinked widely, suddenly remembering what her husband said about his mouth, "I'm the Princess of the Crystal Empire... I..."

Gogurt threw his arms up, "What do you even do? What do you even do?"

"I'm also the..."

"WHAT DO YOU EVEN DO?!" Gogurt hopped back as a cyan bolt splashed at his feet.

Cadence flapped her wings, slowly rising in the air,"I am Mi Amore Cadenza, the Princess of Love! I bested the Changeling Queen and—"

"—Princess of Love?!" Gogurt grabbed what remained of his hair, stomping the ground, "That's. Not. Even. Anything! And who hasn't beaten Chrysalis?"

A mare in the background whispered to a stallion, "He's got a point about the last part."

"I've had enough of this shit," Gogurt drew Fenrir's Horn in a flash, "I'm not going anywhbbzzzeeerrrkk?!?!?"

Cadence let loose a magic beam unto Gogurt's exposed torso, suppressing the enraged human with the blistering, arcane power. The crowd of citizens and guards alike cheered as the Princess flew closer, increasing the severity of the beam and paralyzing the creature.

Gogurt finally mustered enough control to raise the horn, grasping the handle and the tip with his hands, blocking the stream of torment and alleviating the pain. Unfortunately, he could not predict Cadence stopping the spell to turn around and deliver a swift buck of her hooves.

Her hooves slammed into his chest, knocking the breath from his lungs and throwing him several feet away, head over heels. He painfully tumbled and rolled to a stop. As he sat there, feeling the two large bruises on his sternum throb, the jeers of the watching ponies began to work their way into his ears.

The cheers and jeers only begot more animosity in his heart. The angry calls stirred ancient memories in his head. Memories of torches and furious assaults, memories of old rage. Memories of blood on the rocky floor...

It sparked a fire in his chest, not too far from the new twin hoof marks. This was no metaphorical fire, this was a literal, burning ember that continued to mount and grow in his stomach, struggling to find freedom.

Cadence walked over, a pair of Guards trailing behind with manacles in their horn's grasp, "Now if you're done using that mouth, you can just sit still and let us restrain you. Then, we will take you to Canterlot and dole out the appropriate punishment for your crimes."

The fire died down as fast as it began upon hearing "Canterlot."

"What are you doing, boy?! Fenrir roared, "Get up and release that fire on this good-for-nothing Princess!"

"I don't know, Fenrir, I like idea of being escorted to Canterlot by royalty a lot better than stolen train rides." Gogurt retorted in hushed whispers.

"I... this sounds like a terrible idea."

"Well, if I try to take this one down, that just means they ALL are gonna go after me," Gogurt reasoned, "at least this way, we can put the whole, 'catch the terrorist, vandal, thief, demon-thing' alert down."

Cadence cocked her head to the side, "Is... is he talking to himself?"

"No." Gogurt said, "Shut up. You'retalking to yourself."

Back to the Present...

Twilight Sparkle and co walked through Canterlot's gates and stepped onto its neatly bricked paths, their hooves clacking on the white masonry. However, the sound was drowned out under the mass gasping and disturbed cries of Canterlot residents. They watched as various noble-ponies ran about, looks of abject terror on their faces. Some only pointed at the sky and stood in place.

Twilight snorted at the chaos, "Oh COME on! I literally teleported a TRAIN's worth of ponies onto a mountainside to escape some slaughtering horde, what could POSSIBLY be the matter now?"

Fluttershy huddled closer to the others, wincing from the billowing winds and snow, "I don't remember Canterlot looking so stormy from the train!"

Applejack had to keep a hoof on her hat as the gusts threatened to steal it away. She scowled at the unruly weather and glared at the dark clouds in the sky, "Neither do I, Fluttershy. I swear, if this is Discord messing with the clouds again..."

Pinkie Pie poked the farmer's nose, "This can't be Discord, silly! If it was him, there'd be chocolate milk or flying-pugs coming out of the clouds. This is just... boring."

Lee grimaced, "Flying-pugs? I need to meet this Discord guy already..."

"Rainbow Dash?"

The Pegasus pricked her ear up, "Yeah, Twilight?"

Twilight Sparkle pointed at the darkening skies, "I don't suppose blood-red lightning is some sort of Pegasus prank, is it?"

Rainbow Dash squinted at the sight, noting the serpentine lightning cracking its way through the ozone. "I... well, that doesn't look like regular lightning... yeah, that's not Pegasus work." she flew up, looking for the source of the strange electricity, "Yup, I can see it now, that lightning isn't coming from the clouds. Not Pegasus work."

"Always!" Twilight's wings flared in frustration, "It's ALWAYS something! Can't we ever get a break?!"

"Don't worry, Twilight," Spike patted her neck reassuringly, "we're in Canterlot! That means all we gotta do is figure out what's going on, tell the guards, and leave 'em to it!"

Her wings folded a little, "Yeah, but..."

Spike snapped his claws, "We're here on royal business, right? That means we don't have time to address it. The Princesses will understand."

"Spike is right, dear," Rarity said with a cheerful nod, "we can't deal with every single incident our way, not when Princess Celestia needs us immediately!"

Twilight took a deep breath, "Alright, but I at least want to know what's driving everypony so crazy."

Rainbow Dash took this as a cue and zipped away from the group. She returned in a split-second, a very startled and surprised guard in tow. She planted a hoof on his muzzle. "Wanna tell Princess Twilight Sparkle what the hay is going on here? We don't have very much time, so keep it short!"

The guard shook himself out of his trance and saluted his superior, "Princess Twilight! The uncontrollable weather is frightening the nobles!"

Twilight raised an eyebrow, "Really?"

"They're easily frightened, your majesty."

"I can tell."

"But that is not all!" the guard sharply added, "An hour ago, Princess Cadence arrived. She had managed to defeat the White Demon and brought the monster in shackles."

"That sounds fantastic!" Fluttershy cheered, "Now we don't have to worry about ever having to care of that spooky, scary, freeze-you-to-death monster anymore!"

The guard gritted his teeth, "And then he escaped."

Fluttershy sighed, turning away and prodding the ground with her hoof, "Of course he did... monsters are always escaping."

"We still don't have all the details of the beast's escape," the guard explained, never breaking eye contact, "but it appears to be the result of an accident. The guards escorting the prisoner have been knocked unconscious, and the same goes for Princess Cadence. Luckily, there are no serious injuries."

Twilight closed her eyes and rubbed her temple with her hoof, "Okay, okay, so.. where is this 'White Demon' now?"

"We don't really know. We haven't really seen him yet. But, he could be anywhere, so..."

Applejack puffer her nose, "But... if they haven't seen him, then why are they panickin'? He might not even be in Canterlot now."

"Again, they're easily frightened."

"Ah' can tell."

Twilight looked behind the guard and watched a noble mare run straight into a pole. The pain did not seem to register as she simply turned and ran into another fleeing pony. "In that case, why haven't you raised some of the alarms that alert the citizens of their necessary protocol? Wasn't this a really big focus after the whole Changeling invasion?"

The guard looked away for a few seconds, "Well, your Majesty... the sirens are all malfunctioning."

"Are they now?"

"Y... yes, mam."

Twilight's eye twitched, "Well, I'm sure that Princess Celestia and Luna have already been informed of all this... right?"

The guard pursed his lips, "Well, I was actually on my way to do that, and then Ms. Rainbow Dash here caught me. Would... would you like me to go do that now?"

Twilight forced a smile, "Please."

The guard saluted once more and galloped away, full speed towards the castle.

Twilight hummed a happy tune to herself. She turned towards her perplexed friends with the same, artificial smile, and said, "Now, let's go talk to the Princesses before I strangle the next pony I see. Does that sound alright?"

She was met with a simultaneous "Yup!"

"Great! Let's go."

The company resumed their march through Canterlot's streets. They blissfully ignored the delirious nobleponies going crazy around them, each member too tired to deal with another ounce of stupidity and ignorance. The snow fell a bit heavier now, the gusts whipping the icy droplets into mildly stinging winds against the party's bodies. They ignored this too, and kept walking, their faces haggard, their muscles weary, and their minds glazed.

They entered one of the city's many squares, Canterlot Castle looming over them. Strangely enough, there was not very much disorder here. There was, however, a small group of ponies congregating, their wits entirely about them as they talked to each other.

Twilight closed her eyes and walked faster, "Now, if I have to deal with one more idiotic—oof!"

She opened her eyes to be met with a gold wall. She quickly backpedaled and saw that it was only the neck of a rather large noble-stallion Unicorn. He had an orange, slicked back mane and wore a blue suit. He looked down at Twilight through placid, emotionless, gray eyes.

"Sorry about that, your Majesty. I didn't mean to bump into you." the stallion said with a small smile.

Twilight nervously chuckled, the noble's intimidating size casting a small shadow over her, "Oh no, it's fine! It was my fault anyways, heh heh..."

"Jeez, he's as huge as Big Mac.." Applejack whispered to the others.

Twilight scratched her neck and looked past the stallion, "Well, I'd love to chat, be we need to get going, so—"

"—Actually, there's a matter of importance that needs to be addressed, now that you're here with your company." the noble interrupted.

Twilight sighed, "Look, I know there's a looot of crazy things going on in Canterlot right now, but the Princesses need to me."

"Oh, we only need a second." he assured.

Lee curled his lip and crossed his arms, kicking at the loose bricks in the road, "We? Who's we?"

"Well, all of us."

The group stopped to see that the congregation of nobles. and other ponies, had now surrounded them. The civilians stared at the party, exchanging whispers and stealing the occasional, furtive glance.

It was like being cornered by a pack of starving wolves.

Rainbow Dash stepped closer to the noble, stomping a protective hoof in front of Twilight. She scowled into his smile, "What are you playing at here, pal?"

He gave Rainbow a brief bow, turning her scowl into a look of pure bewilderment, "Please, Ms. Rainbow Dash, call me Copper Sheen. I mean no aggression, or anything of that manner. I am merely here for an order from Princess Celestia and Luna herself, along with the rest of the important ponies who only have the best interest of Equestria in mind." he gestured to the ring of ponies surrounding them, "Guard? Can you come here, please?"

The guard in question was relatively hidden among the crowd of watchers. He split the spectating ring and marched to Copper Sheen's side, spear in hoof.

He took a deep breath before announcing, "By order of the Crown, Lee Edward Newsom the human will be put in a detention, under the charges of possible involvement with the Children of Perdition!"

"What the—" Lee barely had time to register the charges before a pair of handcuffs appeared and clamped over his wrists.

"Excuse me?!" Twilight and her friends (minus the manacled one) shoved their angry bodies in Copper Sheen's unchanging face, "You can't just accuse him of some half-baked charge and drag him off! And you said the Crown organized this? I want to see an arrest warrant!"

Copper Sheen frowned and backed up a few steps, "I apologize for the abruptness of the claim, but this is indeed warranted." he waved a hoof towards the watching ponies, "These are all ponies who have firsthand accounts of the Children of Perdition's multiple confessions. Each time, those cultists have repeatedly named this human as an integral component of their plans. As for the arrest warrant, well, there is none. Mr. Newsom is only being detained, not arrested."

"I can tell you personally," Pinkie argued, "there's not much of a difference between those two words!"

Copper Sheen shook his head, "Oh, but there is! We wouldn't dare imprison him under the words of some insane cultists... but, we can't exactly do nothing. Mr. Newsom will only be kept under watch at a guard post. This is done for his protection as well, after all, what if those crazy cultists view Mr. Newsom as some sort of being of worship? They might come after him, and that is also unacceptable."

Applejack leered at the noble, "Ah'm gonna go ahead and say that sounds like a bundle of horsefeathers. Besides, wouldn't Lee be safer with us? We DO have an Alicorn on our side, ya know."

"And leave him in the most obvious position? And cause the Children of Perdition to have our precious Elements in their sights? I think not." Copper Sheen rubbed the back of his massive neck, "I'm sorry, but that's the truth of the matter. And with the disorderly state of Canterlot as it stands, we can't just let such a wild variable roam free. I assure you, he will be treated with the utmost care and given all he asks for. He just needs to come with this guard."

"This whole situation stinks of something putrid!" Rarity exclaimed, throwing her head and arms in the air, "Aren't you going to object to this ignoble idiot's claims, Lee?"

The entire time, Lee had been strangely silent. He was only looking at the metal restraints, deep in thought. Finally, his stare broke from the cuffs.

He shrugged, "Nope. I'm not saying anything."

His friends, stunned by his complacence, altogether shouted, "What?!"

Lee frowned, shaking his head, "I mean... shit, he's right. You all remember what that dumb-Pegabitch-necrophiliac said to me. She said, 'none of this would be possible' without ME.'" Lee walked to the guard's side, "Y'all can make up whatever excuses you want, but you can't deny that this cultic jackassery has something to do with me... and honestly, I'd rather not endanger y'all for it anymore."

"Endanger us?" Fluttershy walked towards Lee, putting a hoof on his shoulder, "But, what are you talking about? We're your friends! It doesn't matter what kind of kooky stuff comes your way, we don't mind helping you!"

"Fluttershy's right!" Applejack concurred with a quick nod, "The storms that follow you don't mean a lick to any of us. You know we can handle it!"

Lee grimaced and nudged Fluttershy's hoof away, "Aw, come on! Think about it. That big ass spider, that swag-bullshit I spread here, and maybe even some devil-worshipping cult, this is all a result of ME. Now, at least until we can catch our breaths, let me try to stop anymore clusterf*cks before they even happen!"

Twilight's ear flopped down, clinging to her head. She raised a faltering hoof towards the stubborn human, "But.. but Lee—"

"—Stop." Lee commanded, "This isn't a big deal. Resisting is only gonna make this kinda shit worse, TRUST me."

Copper Sheen smiled widely, placing a hoof on Lee's shoulder, "Thank you for understanding the situation, Mr. Newsom. I apologize for this trouble, but I assure you, this is for the good of all of us."

Lee shivered, jumping away from his hoof, "EW! You gay, nig?"

Copper Sheen shifted his smile to the guard, "Now, if you please."

"Wait!"

Everyone stopped, searching for the source of the plea, bringing their heads down to see it was Spike, jumping up and down.

Spike ceased his bouncing, now that he had their attention. He politely cleared his throat, "Um, how about I go with Lee to the guard post?"

Twilight cocked her head to the side, giving a slight frown, "Why Spike?"

Copper Sheen raised his eyebrows, "I don't see why that's necessary."

Spike fidgeted under the noble's intense stare, "Well, you know, if something important happens, like if we need to leave, or maybe if the charges are dropped, Princess Celestia could just send me a letter, and then I could read it the guard! Heh, it'd save a lot of trouble, wouldn't it?"

Twilight and the others glanced at each other, unsure of what to make of the reasons.

The stoic noble regarded Spike with an even deeper stare, before shrugging and saying, "I suppose that's fine." he turned and tapped the guard's breastplate, "Now, guard, if you please?"

The guard saluted, "Yes sir. Lee Newsom, please follow, and please do not deviate from our path." He walked away from Copper Sheen, with Lee and Spike following closely behind. They eventually broke through the ring of watching ponies and continued marching, heading in the opposite direction of the castle.

As the guard marched Lee to detention, and Copper Sheen returned to the congregation of noble-ponies, no one could hear them whisper their short, practiced oaths under their breaths.

"May great Perdition rise."

The Elements watched Lee and Spike's figures slowly disappear in the distance, still unsure and somewhat suspicious of what had just occurred. Something did not sit right with them. They could not place their hooves on it, but what they were sure of, was that these strange series of events did not mean anything good.

Twilight furrowed her brow, focusing on the castle that was only a few minutes away. "Well, I suppose we better get back to walking."

Copper Sheen kept his eye on the party while they resumed their trip to Canterlot Castle, occasionally glancing at the flashes of red lightning in the charcoal clouds.

After two minutes of watching, ignoring the beating wind and snow, he said in a low voice, "Three.. two.. one."

A great, bestial, ecstatic, roar ripped through the Canterlot air, coming from one of the towers on the far side of the city. The furious howl stopped the Elements in their tracks, forcing their attention to the rising cackles and the cracking of collapsing buildings. It was not long before numerous cries for help peppered the cacophony.

"Princess Twilight, Princess Twilight!"

The Unicorn mare who called Twilight's name was frantically galloping away from the source of the fresh chaos. She sprinted through Canterlot's streets, her charred and ripped cocktail dress flapping in the howling winds. She scooted to a sliding stop in front of Twilight, panting and gasping for air.

A shimmer of a tear twinkled in Rarity's eye. She rushed upon the mare's ruined ensemble, cooing and whimpering as she felt the ripped seams, "Oh, no, what manner of perfidious catastrophe could have possibly happened?!"

Applejack blinked, showing no expression, "Really, Rarity?"

Rarity coughed several times into her hoof, attempting to regain her composure, "I was talking about HER too!"

The Unicorn ignored Rarity and went straight to Twilight, "Please, your Majesty, we need your help! The Dining District is under attack by a hideous MONSTER! There are helpless FOALS over there!"

Twilight's anxious eyes went back and forth between the mare to the castle, "Uh, what about the other Princesses? Let me go get help from Princess Celestia and Luna. Or at least TELL them what's going on, I'll be right—"

"—there's no time!" the mare interjected with a sob, "The other Princesses have been stuck in court for HOURS now! They're so wrapped up dealing with all the claims and cases that they haven't stepped hoof from the courtroom! We need your help now, please Princess!"

Twilight's ears twitched uncontrollably as her mind slowly broke down. She scratched her mane, pacing around the mare erratically, "I, uh, I—hm—who—Spike!—Ergh!"

Pinkie Pie giggled as Twilight's muffled screams slowly died down under her mane. Shoving the overloaded Princess into her poofy hair seemed to be the only route to prevent her from bursting into flames again. Twilight stopped moving, then tapped Pinkie's shoulder after a few seconds. She released Twilight from the clutches of her mane, allowing her to breathe.

She gave Pinkie a quick hug, "Thank you, Pinkie!" she turned back to the perplexed mare, "Princess Celestia and Luna are going to have to wait, because this crisis can't. Take us to the scene, and we'll take care of it."

The Unicorn nodded vigorously and took off towards the disaster. The Elements ran after her, set on their new task, despite their tired bodies.

A pleased smile cracked the running mare's face, "May great Perdition rise."

Gogurt's Convoy into Canterlot...

"Oh God oh God oh God oh JESUS CHRIST!"

The humongous fireball smashed into the side of chariot, spraying an explosion of flame and concussive force against the occupants of the flying vehicle.

The chariot careened wildly to one side as Princess Cadence and her Pegasus guards endeavored to keep the soaring convoy straight from the massive blast.

Gogurt frantically patted away the embers that spilled onto his clothes. He called out through the bars, "I TOLD you that something was coming towards us!"

Cadence ground her teeth and pressed on, pulling the chariot, alongside two guards, to the edge of Canterlot's walls. "Well, I'M sorry if I decided to ignore you after you decided to SING for an hour!" she guided the chariot into a low dive, dodging another speeding fireball, "Guards, where are these attacks coming from?!"

"They.. they appear to be coming from Canterlot, your Majesty!" The guard to her left barked back.

"Canterlot?!" Cadence exclaimed, "Who in Equestria is attacking a Princess in CANTERLOT?!"

"Probably the same guys who decided to steal that train..." Gogurt added, noting the Necronomicon's muffled laughter from his cloak.

Some hours ago, Gogurt had been captured (willfully) by the Princess of Love and a few guards. He figured that getting a free, protected trip to Canterlot would be the safest and fastest way to get there. Unfortunately, he did not account on the news of the train ride to Canterlot being jacked by cultists. Of course, Princess Cadence wanted to be rid of him as soon as possible, and decided that she might as well fly the fiend over. She simply attached Gogurt's cage to the end of the chariot, and would try to fly it with the guards. Now, what SHE did not count on, was the random fiery assault from their very destination.

The flying jail cell was nearing Canterlot's ramparts now. Gogurt mentally estimated that they were about forty yards from the city. Suddenly, another fireball spat from the city's edge and crashed into the side of the chariot. Luckily, the guard's protective shield spells guarded them from most of the damage, but their acrobatics did not stop Gogurt from being painfully thrown around the cage like a helpless rodent.

"Wh.. why me?" he coughed as the cage finally settled.

"We're almost there!" Princess Cadence cried victoriously. They soared clean over the edge, and entered the city, narrowly evading a fireball. She looked back and spotted the casters, a trio of Unicorns in black cloaks on top of a building.

However, they failed to see the second team of casters poised on the tower ahead of them.

The burning missile splashed head-on into the chariot flyers. The resulting blast was more than enough to knock them unconscious and tear the chariot apart, causing them all to drop to the ground, but not in charred remains, due to a last minute shield conjured from Cadence's horn.

Of course Gogurt was never so lucky.

The cage was flung by the falling chariot's momentum, breaking off and soaring, like a giant slingshot. The cage detached, streaming through the air, carrying a screaming and chained passenger. The cage bounced and ricocheted off several tall buildings in close proximity, slinging Gogurt against the bars as he sobbed, thoroughly finished with the entire ordeal.

His ride finally ended through the upper window of a beauty parlor. The Cage shattered through the large windows and screeched to a clattering halt inside the spa. Dozens of bathing mares fled the scene, screaming their lungs out as he destroyed several tubs and tables.

Gogurt whimpered, slowly getting off his back from the upturned cage, "Please... please... am I done?"

Luckily, the ride was done. But it happened to end at what looked like an incense and aromatherapy section. He had knocked over many candles, and those burning candles had rolled into very flammable curtains and towels.

In other words, he was now surrounded by a rapidly growing inferno. An inferno that was crawling closer and closer towards him. The good thing was that Gogurt had the ability to conjure frost and snow from his hands and feet. The bad was that they were currently bound by magical shackles, meaning he was utterly helpless.

He inched away from the fires, wheezing, "No, no, NO! I am NOT gonna burn alive in a spa!" he looked at his chains, grunting, "Although, I don't think I can help that."

Fenrir snarled in his mind, "Come on, boy! Just release that fire you kindled back there!"

"How is more fire going to help us?"

"Just DO it!"

"Meh, considering the random addition of new abilities gave me a few nice Deus Ex Machinas before, I'm going to assume now will also be the case."

He breathed deep, his air searching for that spark he had lit some hours ago. Eventually, his breath found the ember in his chest and fed it, letting it kindle and grow exponentially, to the point where the hungry flame scraped and clawed at the back of his throat, yearning for the sweet release into the outside world.

The fire emerged like an explosion. The vivid, cobalt blue and white flames splashed over the bars of the cell and even the fires outside of it. He found himself having incredible difficulty in controlling the burst of spectral blaze, forced to let the fire spend all of its fuel from his chest. He eventually closed his gaping maw, his jaw muscles sore from exerting the new ability.

He panted heavily, watching as everything the flame touch freeze into a hard, frosty shell. It was strange, the fire certianly spread like fire, but had the opposite effects.

Fenrir snorted, "Fire backlog. That'll happen if you don't let the furnaces burn every now and then. Happens to everyone, don't feel bad."

Gogurt ignored the spirit and focused on the frozen bars of his cell. He picked up his knees and kicked hard into the shelled steel, the brittle bars breaking and cracking under the force. He kicked it a few more times, eventually freeing himself of the cage. He rolled out, unable to stand because of the shackles on his legs.

He thought for a second, and decided to release the same flames onto his chains, albeit a much smaller stream. The azure fire quickly froze the chains, spreading no further than the metal. He raised his hands, slamming them against the tiled floor. The handcuffs broke, and he proceeded to use his freed, scaled hands to pound the chains from his feet. He was free!

Gogurt jumped to his feet and stretched every possible muscle, happy to be out of such a cramped position. He worked out a few cracks in his joints and began walking. He stepped to the large window he broke and peered through the hole.

He smiled, since he apparently landed only a few buildings over from Canterlot Castle.

Gogurt looked down, seeing that he could just drop down to the street instead of taking the stairs.

He scratched his bristly chin, "Well, it'd be even stupider than normal to take the front gate... Eh, I'll find a window or garbage chute something."

From the next street, a black cloaked mare watched as Gogurt dropped to the street and took off towards the castle, ignoring the ponies he frightened along the way.

She whispered to a guard on her left, "Make sure the other guards don't find or notify anyone of his location. He NEEDS to make it inside unnoticed, otherwise all is lost. Understand?"

The guard saluted, "May great Perdition rise!" and ran off to perform his command.

He MUST enter the castle, and no one can know.

Gogurt managed to find a way inside the castle with no problem. He actually found a window to the castle that was cracked wide open, he could not have believed his luck, considering he had none.

The problem, however, was that he was completely lost. The castle was like a maze to him. There were no signs or any recognizable landmarks; it all looked the same to him. This brought back unpleasant memories from getting lost inside the Crystal Palace, before being blown up in the sky. He hoped this venture would not end the same.

Another problem, was that he was immediately spotted upon entering the castle window.

Apparently, that window had led straight into one of the castle's kitchens.

He had to freeze the entire cooking team.

He left the kitchen soon after that, where he was then found by a maid what was polishing a vase. He froze her... and the other maids who saw him at the same time.

Eventually, he bumped into a guard. At first, him or the guard did not even register the incident, both saying their pardons before carrying on. However, Gogurt realized what he had just done and froze him as well, despite the fact that the guard did not even notice who he ran into. He was also only two weeks from retirement.

Basically, Gogurt continued to leave a frozen trail of evidence around the castle, only worsening his situation as he indiscriminately froze every living thing he met.

To be fair, he was being chased by the Royal Guard, and he was kind of tired of freezing everything. Because of that, he circled back to the kitchen to get a snack for the purpose of replenishing energies. He ended up eating for far too long and forgot about his goal. However, two Royal Guardsmen met him at the door to the kitchen.

He froze them too.

Finally, he found a new wing to the castle, and there were not maids, guards, or cooks of any sort here.

Gogurt burst through the oaken double doors of the room and slammed them shut behind him. He panted as he stood there, regaining his senses now that he was done running. From here, he could think and plan his next move. He turned around and examined the new area.

It looked like a classroom. It was quite spacious, but it had to be, considering it had to accommodate several rows of desks and tables, a teacher's desk, a blackboard, and a rest area with a miniature library. Gogurt wondered if this was some sort of lecture hall. He strode to the center of the room, still breathing heavily, his voice hissing through the scaled skin and the plated, beak-like nose.

Then he saw the Unicorn foals quivering behind their desks and beanbag chairs.

He did not know how he hadn't spotted them before; they were everywhere! They were behind the desks, on the floor, at the library, there was even a cowering, little filly about twenty feet away from him... perhaps he had mistaken them for toys?

Gogurt crossed his arms, regarded the scene, and said, "Shit."

The tiny filly before him quaked as she stared up at his tall, warped figure, clad in a creepy cloak and hood, "I-i-it's a m-m-m-monster!"

Gogurt sighed, "This isn't gonna end well..."

"It's gonna eat us!" a foal from the library wailed.

Another began to sob, "But I don't WANNA get gob-bobbled up!"

"Relax!" He raised his arms, accidentally exposing his menacing, clawed hands and arms, "I'm not eating anyone today!" Due to his corrupted form, his voice came out as distorted and otherworldly to the incredibly impressionable foals, and it only served in terrifying them even more.

"He's gonna kidnap us and eat us tomorrooooow!" the filly yelled, "Please don't marinate us in our own blood!"

Gogurt winced at her words, "Damn! What kind of books have you been reading?"

And finally, the dam broke.

All of the foals, every single one of them, released their ballad of tears and cries. The pitiful and ear-ripping noise drilled maliciously into Gogurt's head. He ducked and slapped his hands over his ears in an attempt to block out the symphony, but it was not nearly enough.

"Grrraaah, why don't you just put an icy clamp over their mouths?!" Fenrir whined.

Gogurt backed away from the foals, "I... don't know how safe it would be to put children inside a frozen shell!"

"Urgh... good point."

Fenrir's complacence to Gogurt's hesitancy surprised him, considering he usually wanted to freeze or eat anything that so much as irritated him.

Gogurt staggered into a wall, the shrill sobs disorienting him to extreme degrees. The horn extending from the mutated portion of his head ended up breaking a hole through the thin, wooden walls, leading to his whole crater crashing a crater into the wood.

And he heard a chuckle.

He turned his head, still stuck in the wall, to see that the filly had giggled at his antics. Eventually, every foal stopped crying to see Gogurt's strange eye looking at them, however, they had not tired themselves out just yet. His leer drove some of the crying to resume its track.

Thinking quick to stop the crying, he tore his head out from the wall, spinned around, ran to a small, nearby cabinet, wound back his arm, and rapidly punched it to splintery smithereens.

He glanced back to see that some of the foals were now laughing.

Gogurt laughed, "Th... these things... they love destruction! This must be a sanctioned zone where the Princesses keep the destructive children, keeping the public safe! It's like public school!" He spread his arms wide towards the foals, "Ya like that?!"

He found his next target: the teacher's desk.

He made a show by curling his arm and patting his elbow before he leaped towards the desk. He dropped his flying elbow through the center of the table, splitting it in half as he tumbled to the floor.

The foals were all laughing now.

Gogurt rolled to his feet and cackled, "You want more?!"

"Boy."

"Yeah!!!" they cheered.

"Boy, what are you doing?"

"HELL YEAH!" he pointed to the row of library shelves at the other side of the room, giving the kids the hint to get away from there.

"Boy, we should probably go."

Once they were out of the way, Gogurt crouched and broke into a charge. He kept his head low and roared as he rushed to the helpless shelves. He jumped, headfirst, and tackled his way through the bookshelves. The satisfying crunch of lumber and literature rang through the
air as he mowed through the rest of the shelves, the cheers of the foals goading his blitzkrieg of books on to the end.

Gogurt leaped to his feet, relishing their whoops and happy cries as he raised his arms like some wrestling champion, "Now, YOU try it!"

It was like he set off a switch.

All at once, the foals began discharging all the spells they knew at their surroundings, wreaking havoc upon the classroom and all of its furnishings.

"Hm, they're all Unicorns. Didn't notice that."

"Yes, and you probably alerted the entire castle of your presence while you entertained them. It probably would have been less obvious if they were still crying!"

Gogurt shrugged, "Heh. It's fine. Well, let's get moving."

Gogurt sneaked out of the classroom, leaving the foals to their new taste for vandalism and destruction. He had a good feeling this time, a feeling that he would actually find the room after searching for so long.

It was so close, his goal, what he had been travelling for, it was in this exact building.

Would he ever know that this goal would be the spark that led to the end?

And finally, what the Elements had to deal with.

Twilight gaped at the beast perched on the tower ahead of her, "Wha.... what.. what the hay is that?"

Fluttershy squinted at the thing, "I think it's a... bat? A... zebra? I've never seen that before."

The beast's insane cackling screwed a nail in Rainbow Dash's ear, "Is it me, or does that laugh sound familiar?

"Oh, Sweet Celestia..." Applejack grimaced, "... that's because it is familiar. That's..."

"Oh," Rarity shuddered as memories hit her eyes, "Don't tell me that's..."

"Hey! I know who that is!" Pinkie blew a raspberry at the creature.

The monster appeared to have heard the noise. Its large ear pricked towards the now regretful pink pony. He let go of the building and hit the ground, causing the streets to tremble under his sudden weight.

He laughed madly, stomping closer to the party, leaving massive footprints in the brickwork, "That's right, I'm back, you blumpkin-catchers!"

They gave a simultaneous sigh and droned.

"It's Bob...."

The Conclusion: What Would Have Been if I Finished, Always and Never.

Author's Note

And yes I realize that posting this on April Fools might actually give the wrong message.

The Conclusion: What Would Have Been if I Finished, Always and Never.

Two years.

Hey, I felt bad that some people wouldn't have closure regarding this story. So, in these notes, I'm going to tell you what all would have been should I decided to have finished this story, so here it is. This also kinda ensures I can't really finish it, so I don't end up pulling a Samurai Jack and finish it thirteen years later.

From where I left off, there was supposed to be some anime-ass plotline where 4 or so demons got summoned around the country and they'd go and stop it. In my mind, I would have had only one of them defeated, Bob I guess. The rest would have gotten themselves killed in some retarded way for the sake of comedy. Yeah, I'm starting to really see why I didn't continue this.

And Reginald was a completely. . . I don't even fucking know just pretend he doesn't exist.

Now, the whole self-insert garbage with Gogurt. What was supposed to happen was that he eventually trudged his way into the main castle, facing off against the rulers, Celestia and Luna, but then this is where my 'twist' occurred. Despite seeing pictures of Gogurt from Lee's phone, Luna doesn't seem to recognize him. The reason being that the transformation had progressed for faster than he had originally thought. In his mind, he was going through a slow change and still looked very human, but the reality is that his mind was so addled by the soul merge bullshit that he could not see what was actually in front of him. His delusion is broken after Luna tries to reason with him and he sees what he really is in the mirror: a gross mutation of scaly flesh and hair, vaguely lizard-like but no ounce of humanity left in his image. From here, his mind truly breaks and loses his former self, sprouting scales and limbs all 'pus of man' from dark souls like. Not really a fight, just a mindless thing bashing a wall until it loses consciousness. And when THAT happened, the book finally returns.

The book was supposed to make its appearance here, now that the host is broken. Here is where the lovecraftian shit was supposed to really hit the fan. The castle would have become a new R'lyeh, and the corruption suddenly spreads across the county, most of the inhabitants would have been absorbed into the new reality, becoming twisted monstrosities as well. This is where Lee and the Mane Six would have come in.

Here is where I was really nebulous on how it would go. They would have showed up, some shitty joke about tentacles, and then they would reach the center of the corruption at the castle and find the second 'twist'. The lovecraft stuff that occurred was never the result of Cthulu or some elder god. In fact, they didn't exist whatsoever, but the being that resided in the cultist's book took a liking to the mythos and used that as a basis. The being itself didn't have much of an identity, just some warped thing between creation that yearned to exist.

I think how they would have resolved it would have been to find the host of the nightmare, Gogurt. Lee recognizes him despite, the mutations, and tries to bring him back. Using the stupid ass friendship lessons he snaps gogurt out of it, but not because of the merit of the lessons, but because Gogurt's consciousness suddenly chuckles at the thought of his friend doing something so 'gay'. From here, Lee manages to draw the cognizance out of the twisted form and the two souls separate: souls being Gogurt and Fenrir. The nightmare eventually breaks and some sappy shit later about the being struggling to exist. Again, no fight, just an ugly struggle. The being, as a last ditch effort to do something tries to rip the binding between realities and suck them all into the spaces where he used to languish. What ends up happening, however, is a pathetic sliver into the next world, more of a door rather than a sinkhole. With no host to draw from, it becomes weak once more, and it fades away, with some parting words.

It's now that Lee realizes Gogurt is still in a terrible condition, mind and body thoroughly damaged. Fenrir, in the cast off mutation from before, reveals that without the book linking the two together anymore, their very existences would continue to be rejected by this reality as its not theirs. The only way to heal his friend would be to leave this world and go back to his own reality. They look to the portal made by the being's effort at revenge, and they learn from Celestia and Luna that this would be the only way back for an unknown period of time, and nonetheless, Gogurt had to go now otherwise his body or mind would expire. Unable to let him go back alone, despite Gogurt's blessing to have him stay with his new friends, Lee makes the bittersweet decision to go back with him. The Mane Six lament at the laughably short farewell they have to give, but Gogurt simply says, "It is what it is, I'm sorry to say."

The two go through the portal looking back as it closes, and Lee gives a final middle finger as it closes, a warm smile on his face as he does.

Then there would have been some epilogue chapter on both sides of the world, but ideally I would have ended it at the epilogues and have no continuation. Twilight and Lee would write a final lesson, and the story would close.

Now, here was the whole point of the entire story and what happened with it.

This story was a parody, satire, or what have you, of the Human in Equestria genre. A parody of the three major tropes within it, actually. Those stories typically have a human protagonist who ends up in Ponyville and somehow befriends the Mane Six despite having no real reason to spend five minutes with him. I thought it would be funny if someone really volatile showed up, yet still managed to make friends with the main characters in a 'somewhat' reasonable way. By all means, they should hate him or at least have no desire to talk to him, just like all those stories I'm parodying. Then there was Gogurt who covered the two other major tropes. First being self-inserts, the other that the human somehow gets bullshit magical powers and becomes essentially a god, and fights the main cast for some misunderstanding or the other.

If Lee was the parody of writers yearning to have actual friends, Gogurt was a parody of writers wanting to be edgy red and black Sonic OCs. The parody comes where he's actually not all that powerful, he just kinda lucks his way through it, and also through the fact that he doesn't end up looking like some cool armored dude with a +666 red and black katana with an anime girlfriend, the joke is that he is transforming into a gross lizard creature whilst losing his mind. Think of that one book where the father turns into a cockroach. (I believe it is Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka) Gogurt was also supposed to be a somewhat realist approach about what would happen if someone got dumped into that world: complete and utter terror.

What pulled both of these narratives together was supposed to be the utter ridiculousness of it all. I mean, if you've read this far then you know exactly what I mean. I was trying to contrast grim stories with a lighthearted silly one, with both sides bleeding into another.

And then the plot ran away from me. It was never supposed to be this long. This is like when cartoons tell you not to carry on a lie because it gets way out of hand. It was supposed to be significantly shorter, a story for shits and giggles. I also couldn't force myself to let it be shitty or stupid and always found a way to make stuff convoluted, which actually made it worse. Then, what can I say, people actually liked it! So I kept going... and going... and that was ultimately my downfall. In the end, you are the writer, do not let your ideas run away from you, like it did with me.

You know, I don't regret it. I had a lot of fun writing this. I met some friends, learned some things, and I moved on, simple as that. You know I actually logged on to delete the entire story, but on a whim, I wrote this, for the people who care to have a conclusion.

Thank you so much for reading and enjoying, and I hope this answered all of your questions. If you do have anymore questions, feel free to shoot me a message. And if you wanna see more of me specifically, I've got a tumblr. I'll post it in the comments if you wanna see it.

Thank you, and God bless.

Losers.

A shivering, quivering mass of slime in a forgotten place began to struggle. It had struggled many before, but each attempt held no fruit. Each time, it would submerge back into the murk in failure. This time, however, things were different. Why were things different? Perhaps the ooze had been biding its time and decided to use whatever stored power for one last try. Maybe the slime could have done the task all along.

The sentient ooze rose from the murk, stretching its sinewy bits towards the top before opening its once sealed lips, "Can.. anyone hear thi...?

"I was just wonder.. ...lone in here.

"I've been... ...so long. But I've found.. way to that place.

"I can see it now, but... ..time." A spurt of slime splashed from the murk as the semblance of a leg sloshed forward, stepping towards the dry, ashen ground.

"No one can stop me."

Twilight Sparkle trotted along the bricked paths of Ponyville streets, head held high, smile plastered on her face, and worries tossed to rot in some smelly gulch along with the rest of her writhing, nervous thoughts. How rare it was, for Equestria's new Princess, to have such a carefree attitude, free from the burden of the possibilities of her new, monumental duties. Every now and then, Twilight let the anxiety of her life pass straight through her mind, and fall into the aforementioned gulch, so she could enjoy a nice outing with the friends she's come to love so much in the quaint town.

"You seem to be in an especially good mood." Spike noted from his usual mount on Twilight's back.

Twilight glanced back at the dragon, pleasantly grinning, "And what makes you say that?"

"Well, you're way bouncier than usual. I've fallen off five times already!" Twilight looked down to realize that the Spike's voice was now coming from her side, the young drake having to run alongside her, "And you're doing that weird thing where you're walking and smiling with your eyes closed."

"Walking and smiling with my eyes closed...?" Twilight asked in a faltering tone.

"Yeah! And it's not just you, I've seen, like, four other ponies doing the same thing! Half of them ran into a wall."

"Hm." Twilight wondered, eyes fully open now, "I should probably avoid doing that from now on."

Spike hurried his pace to keep up with Twilight's substantially longer legs, "Speaking of which, how the hay are we breaking into musical numbers at a moment's notice! It's almost like—"

"—Spike," Twilight shook her head, "I've been on this road, and it only ended in baffle-induced-immolation. Just roll with it."

Spike rolled his eyes and jumped back onto Twilight's back, keeping a tighter grip than before, "Fine... let's just hurry up and get to Sugar Cube Corner with everypony else."

"Oh, Spike," Twilight laughed, "you need to learn to let go of the small things and just... relax!"

Spike sighed, "Yup, I'm the one who needs to learn."

Twilight giggled at her assistant's sarcasm, truly nothing could disrupt....

... and then she felt it.

She felt the great, thrumming pulse cut through time and space, causing everything else in the world to seize and go silent as the unnatural wave slithered across existence, branding the invasive feeling of wrongness and impossibility that words cannot exactly describe without looking like rambling nonsense. The feeling was akin to when one feels a medicine or procedure occur. Something similar to a forced change that will go unnoticed in no time.

"Twilight?" Spike's sudden call snapped the Alicorn out of her trance.

Twilight swept her surroundings with wide eyes, turning her head this way and that, as if she was searching for the source of that strange feeling.

But nothing. Nothing other than the happy ponies of Ponyville, going about their day doing pony things.

Spike tapped Twilight's horn, "You alright?"

Her smile quickly returned, any memory of the ominous event quickly forgotten, "Perfectly fine! Just felt like my brain had a... cramp. Whatever that means..."

Spike grimaced, "That's what happens when you stay up all night writing fanf... say, do you hear that?"

One of Twilight's ears flopped towards the growing, rumbling noise, "It kinda sounds like..."

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEECH

The speeding Nissan Ultima squealed a sharp turn into a busy highway, carrying an adrenaline-pumped driver and a regretful passenger.

Was the passenger's discontent because of the law-breaking speeds and insane maneuvers performed by the driver? The answer to that is no. The passenger had gotten used to his friend's fast driving a long time ago. So, why was the passenger so regretful, and why exactly was the driver brimming with testosterone? The answer could have something to do with the police, the Yakuza, and the Cult of Cthulhu speeding after them, hungry for their blood.

Some background is in order. After all, using vague adjectives and nouns is no way to address the heroes. The driver of this car is a young Lee Newsom, seventeen years of age, a junior in high school. Lee also really, really, hates math.

The passenger is the bespectacled Gurkirt Cheema, but Lee affectionately refers to him as "The Indian", or "Sand Monkey". He's sixteen years old, and is also a junior at the same school. He also really, really, hates math, except he is academically adept at it.

But the only question that was ringing in of their heads was...

"How did things go so HORRIBLY wrong, so fast?!" the Indian's thin arms clutched at his head, trying to make sense of the impossible matter at hand.

Lee's muscular arm swept the steering wheel left and right as he weaved through the racing traffic, all while keeping an eye on the incredibly angry pursuers, "I don't know, probably when you KICKED that cop in the throat!"

Gurkirt threw his hands up in the air, "You think I MEANT to kick that civil pig? You know how my reflexes are when someone grabs me from behind!"

"F*CK YOU and your REFLEXES!"

Gurkirt snorted as the police finally started their sirens. "Well, maybe they wouldn't have been after us, if you didn't, I dunno, go SIXTY MILES over the speed limit... next to a police station."

"Wait," Lee contorted his lips and furrowed his brow, "why didn't I just stop and take the ticket again?"

Gurkirt thought for a second, then snapped his fingers as he recalled. "Don't you remember, we were trying not to get gunned down after we accidentally crashed the Oyabun's daughter's wedding."

Then they both stopped to think about that particular incident.

"How the Hell did we do that?!" Lee exclaimed.

That was when they heard gunshots peppering the air, streaming lead onto the black pavement and asphalt. Isn't that wonderful? Nothing like a good old-fashioned bullet rain from the police and a certain criminal organization to snap you back to reality.

"How did ANY of this happen," Gurkirt checked his watch, "we were going to the damn Taco Bell only two hours ago!"

Lee bellowed out the open window, "I didn't come back from footbal practice for this f*ckery, this is just BULLSHIT!!!" He quickly pulled his head back inside to evade a whistling bolt. "Can you tell me why the Cult of Cthulhu wants us, and why the F*CK they're using crossbows?!"

Gurkirt's eyes widened as he pulled a leather bound book from the back seat. On the cover was a skull crafted from the malformed leather, bearing an expression of pure fear. "Probably because I accidentally took their holy book while we were at the library." He read out the name on the spine, "'The Necronomicon', huh? It doesn't even look real, it looks like that book from the Evil Dead movie."

Lee gave Gurkirt a look of profound, 'are you serious?'.

Gurkirt simply shrugged, "I'll be honest, I can't really explain this one."

Lee shook his head with disgust and raced on, running another red light at an intersection. It seemed to be a combination of Lee's driving skills and dumb luck that had kept them from being caught for the past hour, but that luck was about to run out.

About forty yards down the highway, a roadblock had been set up by the police, sealing off all available exits for our very, very unfortunate, seemingly cursed, intrepid heroes.

Now, here is why Lee could not hit the brakes, and why this situation was so bad: the Yakuza nor the Cult of Cthulhu showed no sign of stopping. The Cult would go through anything for their holy book (which was pretty stupid because they probably have more than one copy), and the Yakuza was driven by a vindictive bride sporting a rocket launcher.

Lee nudged Gurkirt, "Hey, how do you even KNOW that's the Yakuza?"

"It's simple. I don't." Gurkirt snorted, "I mean, now that I think about it, there were a loooot of white guys there and not many Asians. I guess I'm just a dirty racist bastard."

Lee squinted, "So is that just a crazy bitch with a rocket launcher..?"

"I assume so, considering that she's not slowing down."

The CPD's repeated orders to stop did not seem to process through the two maniacal groups' minds, nor did the roadblock they would obviously have to stop for at one time or another.

"Lee..." Gurkirt said as the bride primed the destructive machine, "are we going to die?"

Lee looked into the rear-view mirror to see the missile take off.

He gripped Gogurt's shoulder, sighed, and nodded once, "Probably." Then he rolled down the window, slammed the accelerator, and cried, "BUT I DON'T GIVE A FUUUUUUUUUUUU—!!"

As Lee gave his final cry, something strange happened. Something that would begin the wonders, adventure, and agonizing misery that would now pursue their lives.

How could the fools have known of the extent of pain that would come from the seemingly random order of events? How would they know that these events were not as random as they believed? Finally, how would they know that this is where fate decided they would part ways for months yet to come?

The stolen Necronomicon chuckled. The leather skull on the cover twisted back and forth in unbridled laughter and began to glow red.

Gurkirt and Lee gave the laughing book blanching stares, open mouths, and awe.

They both said, "What now?!"

The skull stopped laughing, turned its glowing eye sockets towards the two, and opened its mouth wide enough to swallow a small dog.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!"

What did the two do in response? They screamed of course.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH—"

Their cry of terror was drowned out by the shrieking skull, and then the world fell away around them like broken pieces of pottery, leaving an inky black nothingness. With a flash of light and the sound of ripping fabric, they disappeared, escaping the missile and leaving a very confused, crazy bitch with an illegal weapon. Then the CPD yanked her out of the car, threw her on the ground, and cuffed her.

"—aaaaaaAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!"

The light disappeared, and the world reappeared around the driver of the speeding Altima. The sedan hit the new-found dirt road and sped precariously along the strange town. Freakish, four-legged creatures of painfully vibrant colors dove out of Lee's way as he struggled to reduce the high speeds without flipping the car over. Some of the poor beasts were thrown over the car in the panic, due to the fact that they had been walking along, smiling with closed eyes.

*SCREEEEEEEEEEEEECH*

The Altima squealed to a halt just in front of a stone fountain, streaming a cloud of white smoke and dispersing the scent of burnt rubber through the town.

Lee took deep and heavy breaths, attempting to reign himself in after the series of incredible events. "Gurkirt... what the f*ck just happened?" but he had received no response from his smaller Brown Buddy...

"... yo, Gurkirt?" because he had disappeared, along with the banshee of a book. Lee looked at the floor of the car and the backseat for his missing friend. He had gone without so much as a curry stain!

Lee gave a shaky sigh and held his head in his hands, trying to process what had just occurred.

"I need to stretch..." he muttered with a groan.

Lee opened the car door and stepped out to have a great big stretch; hopefully, the relieving action would bring some clarity to his mind.

"Are you alright?"

Lee yawned and turned to the speaker, "Yeah, it's just..." Lee's eyelids contracted and an open-mouth frown creased his face.

The purple, four-legged creature squinted, "Do you need to lie down or something...?"

The only word he could utter was, "What?"

That was when a four-legged thing with a rainbow trail soared towards his frozen figure.

It stopped to flap its wings in place above the purple creature, "What IS that thing? It was SOOOO FAST! Well, not faster than me, of course."

Again, the only thing Lee could say was, "What?"

Something walked out from behind the purple-thing; it looked like a bipedal lizard with green frills and eyes just as large as the other creatures.

The reptile gasped, "Twilight, he's one of those hairless apes from when we crossed that mirror!"

The purple-thing named Twilight cocked its head to the side, "I know, Spike, I'm just trying to figure out how he got here, and why he didn't turn into a pony like how I turned into one of his kind... I should tell Princess Celestia about this."

"What?!"

Another four-legged monstrosity jumped out of the bushes in a blur of pink energy. It bounced painfully close to Lee's personal space with a gaping look of wonder. It unhinged its mouth and unleashed a torrent of incoherent words too fast for him to understand. The only thing he could catch was something about new friends and gravy.

"WHAT?!"

"Oh, my, word!" shouted a white, four-legged demon, scanning his clothing with a slight cringe, "That shirt looks so horribly tight and small, don't you need a bigger size, dear?"

That remark was the last straw for Lee Edward Newsom.

"Alright, now, you can shut the f*ck up, it's a compression shirt, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE SKINTIGHT."

All the four-legged devils stopped in their tracks, paralyzed by his sudden outburst, giving Lee time to express his emotions. "Now can someone tell me where I am, how I got here, and tell me whatever the F*CK y'all are supposed to be, before I GIVE AN ANAL FALCON PUNCH TO THIS WHITE BIMBO?!"

The Twilight leaned over to the lizard, "Spike, take a letter to Princess Celestia." then she turned to the enraged Lee, "And you better sit tight, because I have a lot of explaining to do."

The babbling pink beast innocently raised a hoof, "What's an anal falcon punch?"

"Shiny!" Princess Cadence suddenly cried out, harshly slicing the peace of the once-pleasant luncheon.

Shining Armor raised his head from his plate of various Crystal Empire delights, startled by his wife's random outburst, "Is something the matter, Cadence?"

Her heavy breaths were now slowing to a more calm rate, the sensation she had just felt slowly leaving, "I... did you feel that just now?"

"What do you mean?" Shining's eyes swept the perimeter of the dining hall, spotting nothing other than a few jumped maids.

"It was like..." the perplexed Princess rubbed her head, "... like something icky just slithered across my horn."

Shining grimaced, "Are you having horn gland problems again? I know that was a problem in high school, but it's nothing to be asham—"

"—NO!" Cadence slammed a hoof over her mouth, "I mean, no. It's not that, Shiny, it's just... ugh, nothing. I just hope that this doesn't foreshadow some horrible evil to assault Equestria, like these things tend to do."

"Hm?" Shining mumbled through a mouthful of crystal corn.

"Nothing." Cadence sighed and plopped her head down on the table, "It's not like this isn't gonna be a problem in the future at all, nooo, not a chance."

"I'll tell you what a problem is," Shining said with a shake of his head, "those incessant roars and blizzard storms north of the kingdom! Our soldiers keep complaining, and what the hay am I supposed to say, stab the snow?"

"I don't see what the problem is," Cadence droned, "it's just noises and snow. Plus, those blizzards don't even get close to the kingdom."

"Yeah, but the soldiers get scared."

"Really now? The soldiers do?"

"Yup."

Cadence rose from her seat and pushed her plate aside, "Well, I'm going to go for a walk. I'm not hungry anymore."

As the Crystal Princess clip-clopped away from the dinner table, a nearby Pegasus maid rushed forward, nearly tripping over her uniform, to collect the used dishes. This maid stood out from the others due to the fact that she was the only employee who had not happened to be a Crystal Empire native, and because of this, she was all to eager to please. After all, she couldn't afford to lose another job for the fourth time this month.

As she carefully lifted the plates with her wings, taking painstaking care not to drop them again, she heard the trickle of a voice caress her ear.

"Can.. anyone hear thi...?"

Author's Note

Yeeeaaah this is my first one. I actually got inspired from http://www.fimfiction.net/story/53873/60s-era-spiderman-goes-to-equestria. I told my friend, (who isn't a brony, I might add) about how ridiculous and awesome it was, and then I got the idea to make something hilarious and awesome with a vulgar douche as the main character. He said, "Dude. Do it." and I decided to do it. I understand it might be vulgar, but Lee tends to be very creative with cursing.
Please understand this is my first attempt to contribute something. But please, tear this to shreds if you like. This is meant to be ripped into because this story just won't give a f*ck.

This story is not a 'circle jerk' (that should be obvious) it is going to have an overarching story and coherent plotline.

EDIT: HOLY SHIT THERE'S A LOT OF GRAMMATICAL INCONSISTENCIES. I'm going back and fixing what I can. I feel many people are turned off by the first chapters, so I'm gonna try to redo some stuff before releasing the next chapter.

I Will not Bow to Your Pagan Gods!

Four Changelings lazily buzzed through a thick, choking bog full of suffocating scents and other unpleasant things. They had long since lost track of the days they have wandered through the swamp, and at this point, they could care less about any orders. Unfortunately, drones were not allowed to resist orders or have much of any real free will of their own. Griping about seemingly pointless and stupid missions looked to be fine, at least.

"What are we even looking for?" groaned a particularly exhausted drone.

The worn leader of the scouting party squinted as he scanned the swamp, "We're searching for powerful, arcane, dark magic. We've already been briefed on this by the Queen."

"Then why haven't we found any trace it yet..." muttered another one, "how do we even know if it's here. Maybe it's not even real..?"

The leader growled, "The Queen said she sensed an incredibly strong dark magic in this swamp, so it must be here. And if the Queen wants it, we shall fetch it."

"Sensed?!" the formerly exhausted Changeling zipped to the party's forefront, "That's the most useless tracking method ever! Some ultimate, evil, warlord alien, or even Tirek, could have just passed some gas that floated all the way from Tartarus and landed here! That magic gas would have been more than enough for our Queen's 'magic sense' to go off!"

"LOOK, I know this is stupid," the leader tried to reason, "but we can't just.... hey, what's that?"

The scouting party fixed their eyes on a mysterious, bipedal figure near a gnarled tree in the distance. It was standing particularly close to the tree in a strange posture, and the sound of running water trickled over the bog's regular droning.

The Changeling leader smirked, baring his razor sharp fangs, "I think we found something, boys."

"So what you're telling me, is that I'm in a land full of talking magical ponies—"

"—and dragons!"

"—and dragons... And that you have Princesses—not a queen or any sensible democracy—who raises the sun and moon every day and night. And that you, and five other ponies, beat up evil douches with the power of friendship."

Twilight smiled, thinking that Lee finally understood the situation at hand considering she had to stop and explain every little detail that Lee did not agree with. "That's correct! I'm so glad you finally—"

"Bullshit." Lee retorted.

Twilight frowned, "What?"

Lee sat on the town square's fountain's edge, and cleared his throat before speaking, "I said, that I call bullshit."

Before Lee arrived, Ponyville had been having a perfectly normal, bright and sunny day. The Pegasi's weather patrol had gone without a single sighting of a stray storm cloud, the produce was producing unblemished delights at fair prices, and no ancient evil had graced the town's citizens.

That peace all went to Hell when Lee's speeding Altima nearly killed five ponies. (he had tried to defend himself by stating that their eyes were not even open) To make matters even more chaotic, Lee would screech vulgarities at anypony that came close, causing most of the pony-population to either give him the evil-eye or tremble in fear.

It was a good thing Twilight and friends happened to be in the area. The Elements of Harmony had significant contact with strange, perilous creatures and odd situations. Twilight herself had worn the skin of the newcomer's species, and traveled to its world some time in the past. This past adventure had assured the civilian ponies that the Elements could handle the volatile creature. The Elements would kindly welcome and explain the situation, soothing the beast's fiery tirade.

But no amount of knowledge, caution, experience, or even magic, could prepare them for Lee Edward Newsom.

Twilight looked to her friends helplessly and back to Lee, "But... why?! Just look around you! Everything I'm telling you is obviously true, it makes no logical sense to deny it!"

Lee laughed loudly at her confusion, and quickly resumed his frown, "Don't you f*cking dare to use logic! YOU have no logic. Why the HELL would you call your ruler A PRINCESS?! A female ruler is a MOTHERHUMPING QUEEN!"

"Well that's obvious!" the rainbow-ed douchebagette called Rainbow Dash huffed, "That's because... um... wait... why do we call her Princess anyway, Twilight?"

"Because... um..." Twilight muttered, deep in thought. "I don't really--"

"Oh ho ho," Lee interrupted, "I ain't done yet. Illogical item number two: what parents would give their children retarded names like Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, and Applejack!" He pointed a finger at the orange earth pony, "YOU'RE NAMED AFTER A F*CKING CEREAL!"

Applejack grunted in annoyance at his accusing finger, "I don't take kindly to folks makin' fun o' the name mah'—"

"SHUT the f*ck up, I AM from the South, and I know we don't sound that stupid!"

Rarity had to restrain the indignant farmer with a hoof, otherwise even more ugliness would break loose.

Twilight's patience was running thin with this angry human, but she knew that coating magic flames on his tongue would be the opposite of what her friendship lessons taught her.

She rolled her eyes as she tried to find some possible clarity to impart, "If I'm lying, then what do you suppose this aaaaaaalll is?"

Lee stood back up and walked toward Big Mac, squinting and inspecting every inch of his placid face, "I'm unconscious in the hospital, high off my balls on morphine, and this is all a stupid dream. Here, I'll prove it!" Before the ponies could ask what he meant, Lee cocked his leg back and kicked the innocent farmpony in his progeny.

The pain of crushed fritters was too much for Big Mac, and he crumpled to the ground, writhing in agony while mumbling, "Nnnope...!"

Half of the ponies gasped in shock, the other half laughed, and Applejack comforted her big brother as he cradled his possibly obliterated testicles while shooting a murderous glare at the kicking-offender. Lee took a step back from the crime, a dawning realization slowly penetrating his stubborn skull.

Lee frowned profusely and shook his head, "Holy shit, I.... felt that. ALL of that. I'm... Oh man, I'm so sorry about that dude. I.. uh, someone get a pack of ice." He took his eyes to the scared equines, the cartoonish colors of the town, and finally, to the blue skies above, raising his arms at the majesty of it all. "Looks like this land full of magical ponies with gay-ass names is.... real."

Lee brought his arms down and balled his fists as a vein congested and threatened to burst near his temple. He found himself crashed into the world of ponies and sunshine, filled with all sorts of wondrous fantasies and fancy princesses, a premise he had seen far too often in books and movies. The land of man, Taco Bells, tanks and Hitlers was in some other reality now. A reality missing a piece of its existence.

This unavoidable fact forced Lee to accept the truth and ask Twilight the question that similar fictions often led to, "The question is, what the F*CK am I supposed to do now?!"

Twilight winced from his volume, putting a protective hoof to her ear, "Spike already sent a letter to Princess Celestia, she should be here any minute now. Then we can decide what to do from there."

"Waaaaaaiiit!" exclaimed the pink babbler named Pinkie Pie at an unnecessarily high decibel, "I just have one teensy-weensy question for you."

"What?"

"What does 'f*ck', 'shit', 'bitch', aaand 'bullshit' mean?"

Twilight levitated a dictionary out of her saddlebag, and looked up the according words, "Well, I can't find bullshit. But the definition for the rest of these words had nothing to do with Lee's sentences. I don't get the point of using them." Everypony but Twilight and Pinkie face-hoofed at their innocence. Even Spike whistled uncomfortably.

The innocence was so pure it was stupid.

A smile grew on Lee's face, and he knelt closer to the two, untouched souls, "You two don't know what curse words are, do you?"

Twilight frowned and raised an eyebrow, "You mean like a spell?"

"I am gonna have soooo much fun screwin' with y'all."

Then the hairs on Lee's neck stood on end. Before Lee had even seen the chariots, he had known that something powerful was nearby. It was a feeling akin to being near the low hum of a giant generator of electricity, or some great machine full of mechanics and processes that he could not understand. Instead of sound, he felt the air grow heavy and saturated with some underlying energy that he was now aware of, surrounding and coiling around and inside everything. Lee noticed that none of the other ponies seemed to notice the change in presence, but they would have been used to the feeling due to the fact that they have been swimming in it since birth.

The sound of trumpets filled the sky above the ponies and the volatile human. Lee looked to the source of the music to see an ornate, golden chariot pulled by Pegasi guards descending to the ground. The entire scene looked to Lee like something out of an epic or Bible verse: two entities of magnificent power, descending from the heavens in a gilded chariot pulled by Pegasi in gleaming armor, passing over the sun so that the star framed the entire scene, all ready to meet the hero with fanfare and glory.

Lee immediately noticed how much taller the two ponies sitting in the chariot were than the rest. Judging from the presence of wings, horns, and a heavenly descent, Lee assumed that these two ponies must have been Princess Celestia and Luna.

The two Alicorns stepped out of the chariot, wings spread wide and heads high in display. Celestia was bearing nothing but a motherly smile, showing her welcoming nature and eagerness to establish peace with him, while Luna held a calculating frown and creased brow, analyzing Lee like some unknown and possibly dangerous foreigner. As the two approached the human, everyone instantly hushed their whispering to give a deep bow in reverence.

From the moment he saw those rulers land, he knew that despite all looks, these were creatures beyond his current understanding. The very power that radiated from their presence was more than enough for Lee to feel dwarfed and very weak. Beings of such power obviously deserved a deep respect to be shown by all who encounter them.

Of course Lee did not show the same respect. Instead, he dropped his pants to reveal his compression shorts, and gave a middle finger for each of the princesses. "I will not bow down to your pagan godesses, SUCKADICK!"

The crowd's reaction was a universal gasp and a bit of swooning. Celestia's jaw dropped through the floor and touched upon some buried civilization, and Luna cocked her head to the side in a crooked grimace, as if she was somewhat prepared for this.

Lee quickly pulled his pants up and smiled, "Naw I ain't gonna do that. So, what up?"

Luckily, Spike warned the two rulers of Lee's vulgar language in the so there wouldn't be too much of a reaction... although he did not account for the pants dropping.

The princesses shook out of their shock to answer the mischievous being. Celestia retracted her jaw from the rubble extended a hoof, "Greetings, Lee Newsom. Has everything been alright since your arrival in Equestria? My ponies tell me that you're entrance was a bit... shaky."

Lee sighed and kicked at the loose stones in the brickwork, "It's been okay, I guess. I kicked that Big Mac dude in the balls to make sure this wasn't a dream. I feel pretty bad about that." A groan from the injured stallion verified his claims. "Oh yeah, I also lost my friend when I got here. You see a brown dude runnin' around somewhere? He probably flipped his shit too. Hell, he probably kicked someone in the balls too."

Luna raised an eyebrow and tilted her head up, "You kicked a citizen where my moon does not shine to assure reality?"

Lee waved his hands, as if to swat the matter aside, "Yeah, but that's not important. What matters, is where the Hell Gurkirt is!"

Celestia smiled, finally able to find some common ground in the dealing of friendships, "Is that you're friend's name? Gukruut?"

"No, it's Gurkirt."

Celestia frowned, "Gurkit?"

Lee closed his eyes and exhaled loudly, "No, dammit! It's Gurkirt!"

"..... Gertrude?"

Lee grabbed a clump of his hair, "SON OF A B*TCH, That's not even close! Sound it out. Say Grr. Like a fierce growl, meow."

"Grr?" Celestia sounded.

"Now say kirt. Like 'curt' as in curtain."

"Kirt." Celestia says tentatively.

"All-together now!"

"Gurkirt!" Celestia happily shouted.

Lee sighed in relief, "Good, now I don't have to give you an anal-falcon-punch."

Luna squinted at him, "Excuse me, what is an, 'anal-falcon-punch'?"

"You don't wanna know!" Pinkie meeped from behind Fluttershy's mane.

Celestia returned to the question at hand, seeing as how the conversation was already starting to go nowhere fast. "To answer your question, no, we have not seen your friend, Gurkirt." She seemed to relish the correct pronunciation with a wide smile. "But I will send a search party for him. Assuming he is in this world, he would be very hard to miss."

Lee was pleased by this cooperation. He was still on top, he is still a boss. Now he doesn't feel the need to curl up into the fetal position and stew in his churning depression.

That was when Luna brought forth another important question. "Lee the human, are you aware of how you were brought into this world?" she looked to Celestia next, "The only passage between our worlds is the Crystal Mirror in the Crystal Kingdom, is it not?"

"Before I get lost in vague information that'll just piss me off, again," Lee interjected, "can I go ahead and explain?"

Celestia chuckled, "Yes, please do."

The repeating of already known information is redundant for the reader. Therefore Lee went ahead and explained the circumstances without the need to state every last bit again. This is also the first time everyone else heard his unbelievable and incredibly unfortunate happenings in the human world.

Celestia and Luna stared at him, mouth agape. The pure absurdity left the two, and everypony else, momentarily speechless. The entire situation was too unreal for everybody.

Luna managed to find some words on the matter, "This all happened in the span of two hours...?" she shook her head, "By the night..."

Celestia reigned the conversation back from more possible pointlessness, "So you believe that book was the cause of your arrival?"

Lee shrugged, "Well, when I think back, it only makes sense that the screaming, glowing, possibly Satanic book had something to do with it. I mean, what the f*ck else could it be?"

"Do you recall the name of this book?" Celestia asks.

Lee thought back to the moment Gurkirt revealed the accidentally stolen book."Yeah... it was the Necronomicon or something stupid like that. I dont know, I'm pretty sure it's fake. It looked like a cheap movie prop."

Luna put a hoof on her chin, "And that translates to the Book of the Dead?"

Lee took on a smile, happy that some piece of the puzzle could be filled, "That's good, so you know what it is?"

"Not at all."

"Damn it."

"The book is not stirring anything in my memory for me either," Celestia began to explain, pacing around the human as she thought, "however, since the book brought you here, then it is entirely possible that it would be the very tool to bring you back."

Lee suddenly clapped his hands, startling the ponies around him, "Good, now we're using some DAMN GOOD LOGIC! Even though the fact that you're called Princesses when you should be called queens makes no logical sense."

"Pardon?"

"Nothing. So how long do you think it will take to find that stupid book?"

Celestia conversed with Luna for a few seconds before answering.

She had a doubtful look on her face, "We don't know. The Necronomicon you described could be absolutely anywhere."

Lee slowly frowned as a nostril flared, "So you're telling me, that until we find that stupid book, which could be anywhere and could take years, I'm stuck here?"

"Unfortunately, yes."

There was a pause in Lee's mind, body, and soul. A special sort of pause. The sort of pause, the sort of silence, that is used to prepare for whatever happens next. A brief pause in space and time. Lee looked to the sky and unleashed the torrent building behind the pause.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU—"

After Lee's explosion of despair, he was quickly taken to Sugarcube Corner with the Elements and the two rulers. Sugarcube Corner: a sweets shop for sugary comfort that would probably give anyone a heart attack after two consecutive visits. However, Lee did not seem to care, as he ate an entire chocolate cake and a tub of ice cream before washing it down with a large milkshake.

Applejack, or Breakfast, as Lee liked to call her, voiced her concern, "Uh, Sugarcube? Are ya sure ya should be eatin' all that?"

"It's my cheat-day, so I don't give a shit."

Celestia cleared her throat to get Lee's attention as he demolished a piece of cookie pizza. Lee looked up from his desolation, his face smudged with chocolate, "Huh?"

Celestia levitated a napkin and wiped his mouth before speaking, "There is still one important item we haven't addressed."

Lee quickly stifled a burp, "And what's that Princess who should be called Queen?"

"Where you will be staying in Ponyville, of course."

Lee wore his deep frown once more and slammed his fist down on the table "Oh shit I haven't even thought about that."

"Oh oh OOOH!" Pinkie pipped as she bounced to Lee's side, "Is Lee gonna stay with me? I'd love to give a place to stay to my new friend because I wanna do everything with my new friends! We'll play together eat together sing together dance together and bathe together and sleep together!" Then she gave Lee a big ol' squeeze.

"For the love of Christ," Lee plead to Celestia with the blankest of expressions, "don't do this to me."

Celestia chuckled at his expressionless horror, "Don't worry you won't be rooming here. The Cake's only available room is used by their new foals."

Pinkie Pie's mane and face deflated, "Awwwww..."

"You will be staying with my former apprentice, Princess Twilight Sparkle."

Twilight spat the tea she was drinking all over Pinkie, "What?!"

"Seriously, what was that for!" Pinkie cried as the tea soaked into her mane.

"This is your newest assignment as Princess," Celestia decreed with a might swoop of her hoof, "you will take in Lee Newsom until we can get him back home!"

"But, what about my Princess duties!" Twilight protested. "I may have finished my friendship reports, but there's still work to be done!"

Lee grimaced at the thought of the seemingly superfluous science, "Friendship reports? Sounds kinda gay."

"Yes, well now you... uh... will be making NEW friendship reports based on the findings from living with a new friend who is different in almost all aspects. I expect that the results will widen your perspectives as Princess." the somewhat rational explanation seemed to be enough for Twilight, and she relented. Celestia ducked away and wiped the sweat off her head forehead, silently congratulating herself for that last second solution.

"I'm not finished yet," Celestia turned to Lee, "as recompense for staying in Princess Twilight's home, you will also be writing reports on friendship, to record what you have learned while in Equestria. Except... you won't be writing to me, you will be writing to my sister, Luna."

Luna put aside her twelfth bowl of double-chocalate-fudge ice-cream, "What?"

"It would be redundant to write the same letters to me, would it not?" Celestia explained, "Besides, it is about time you had your own apprentice, don't you think?" she leaned in close to whisper into her sister's ear, "And it would probably take your mind off this troubling sweets addiction..."

The thought of having her very own student to teach and learn from did intrigue the Princess some time ago, but Luna never figured someone would even wantto learn from her, so she simply dismissed it. And she really did need to find some way to do something other than sneaking in Donut Joe's donuts through her window at night.

"I-I s-suppose," Luna stammered.

"Good," Lee scooted closer Luna, "I'm gonna write some real nasty shit too!"

Then Lee rose from his seat, swaggered over to Twilight, and put an arm around her neck, "Don't worry, you will soon realize how hilareal I am when you hang out with me."

Twilight frowned at the mention of the word. Her vocabulary was among the most extensive, yet she never heard this word in particular,

"'Hilareal'? What does that mean?"

"Real plus hilarious equals hilareal. I'm a f*cking legend."

"WOW! That's awesome!" Pinkie Pie agreed, her mane still sticky with sugar and tea, "I'm using that now!"

Lee pointed an accusing finger at her with a large scowl on his face, "HEY! THAT'S MY WORD, YOU BETTER NOT F*CKING USE IT!"

Everypony in Sugarcube Corner laughed heartily at his hilareal antics.

"HEY, I'M F*CKING SERIOUS ABOUT THAT SHIT!"

Sometime after the Princesses eventually returned to their castle in Canterlot, another strange discovery had been made. It was when Celestia scanned the Equestrian Census taken for last year, searching for two specific names.

"Why are you examining the Census, sister?" Luna asked Celestia.

"If you recall, Twilight and her friends had a human counterpart in Lee's world." Celestia explained. "I was looking for Lee and Gurkirt's counterparts in Equestria, so we could prevent them from meeting. If they did, it could cause something... well, I'm not sure, but I'd rather not deal with paradoxes if I have the option."

"A necessary precaution." Luna agreed.

"But, here is the strange thing, sister. I can't find their names, or anypony that remotely looks like them anywhere." Celestia rolled up the census, "It's almost as if, they only existed in that world..."

Luna was taken aback, "But, that's—"

"—completely impossible."

Deep in a dank, dark, and humid marsh he ran. He ran as fast as his legs could, which was not very fast. He kept a hand on his glasses, hoping that the motions would not shake off the precious spectacles. He swatted the buzzing gnats, and jumped over the massive snakes on the swampy floor. He ducked under looming, mangled branches and sloshed through muddy, bacteria infested waters. Those problems, however, were not of his concern.

He was worried about the Changelings flying after him. If they had a clear shot, they would fire a bolt of green energy, and judging from the effects it had on the life around him, he did not want to get hit. They were also quite sneaky, and could change into whatever living form they chose. Luckily, he was sneakier, and that's what kept him alive in the perilous bog.

Eventually, he had nowhere left to run to.

The swamp's vegetation abruptly ended, and what lay at its end was a vast expanse of steppes and arid lands dotted by a few lonely trees. The only way down to the wasteland was the long, sloping cliff at his feet. As he gazed down the dusty slopes, he heard a buzzing in the air behind him.

He looked back to see that the insect things had caught up, and they knew he had no other escape routes. They snickered as their hunt had finally drawn to an end. Then, to add to his predicament, a series of multiple, long, reptilian growls rose rose from the swamp.

The misplaced boy sized his options and picked the only one that could keep his run going. He removed his glasses, folded them, tucked them safely inside his jacket, jumped, and rolled down the sloping cliff face. The insect-things were too stunned to react in time, and angrily buzzed over the cliff face to find him, but they could not.

He peaked out from the rubble he had hidden under. The bottom of the cliff had rolled into a small dump for broken rocks... and the remains of skeletons... effectively hiding him from the predators. The insectoid flyers buzzed off in the opposite direction, and he breathed a sigh of relief. That was when he heard the familiar, reptilian growl. Whatever beast was up there before had followed him. He took his glasses from his pocket and polished the lens with his jacket before placing them back upon his nose.

He looked to the leather-bound book emblazoned contorted skull under his arm. He grimaced as it began to literally laugh at his situation.

"My life sucks."

Author's Note

DOUBLE CLIFFHANGER MOTHERF*CKAS

This chapter took a while and is pretty long, but it was necessary to lay foundation for what will happen in the future. Not as much, ALL CAPS RAGE, but more sarcasm, sardonity, and creativity with the profanity.

Did I just rhyme?

A Hearth's Warming Exorcism: Part 2— A Zigga Moment.

"Uh... Lee?"

"Yuh-huh?"

"Can you please explain what's going on again?"

"Why? I made sure to speak slowly."

"No," Twilight flatly says, "because this is complete nonsense."

Applejack snorts, "Ah' agree!"

"To be fair, deary," Rarity explains, "this does seem a bit impossible..."

Lee sighs, and takes a seat on a nearby chair. He really did not want to go through the "skeptic phase" that most tend to enter during situations like these. After Lee had cleaned himself of Apple Bloom's demonic vomit (with a very thorough shower), he began to think of a plan of action. Through some thinking, Lee decided to call the gang together to meet him at Sweet Apple Acres. Lee knew he could not handle Apple Bloom by himself. He needed Twilight's magic, Rarity's cloth manipulation to bind Apple Bloom, Rainbow Dash's dexterity (in case Apple Bloom tries to escape in her enhanced state), Applejack's strength (plus, having a family member nearby might calm the possessed filly), Pinkie Pie's wild card, Fluttershy's d'aww, and Spike for awesomeness. With this crack team of equines, Lee might be able to solve the problem at hand.

"Okay... here's the deal." Lee slowly says, "I came over to check on the yellow one, she started to talk to a wall, then she yelled at me, then she threw up black sludge on me, and then she nearly killed me. Make sense?"

Twilight rolls her eyes, "That doesn't exactly mean Apple Bloom is possessed by some pony spirit, which is preposterous anyways. She's probably just really sick!"

"Which is what Ah told ya!" Applejack confidently concurs, slight anger rising in her voice, "She's just sick, plain an' simple." Lee took notice of her tone. It sounded more like she was trying to convince herself than Lee... but he would poke that bear later.

Although, it seemed Big Mac wanted to harass that bear now. He walks to her and says in a low voice, "Sis...."

"Quiet, Big Mac, now's not the time." Applejack chastised.

Lee shrugs, and points to the stairs, "Don't believe me? Wanna go up there yourself?"

"Yes, I do." Twilight replies as-a-matter-of-factly, "If Apple Bloom is experiencing the nausea you said she was, it would be prudent to check on her condition. Plus, Cheerilee asked me to tell Apple Bloom to rehearse the lines to herself, if she is able enough."

Lee smirks, knowing he is about to make Twilight look very stupid. He rises from the chair and heads towards the stairs. "Come on then, if you ain't scared, and if I'm just a backwoods hillbilly who can't tell lightning from my granddaddy's spirit, then there ain't nothin' to worry about."

Rainbow Dash was the first to zip up the stairs, "Ha! I'm not scared of some little ghost!"

Twilight raised an eyebrow as she walked up the stairs after Lee and Dash, "You believe this story too?"

"C'mon, Twilight! Don't be such party-pooper!" Pinkie pipped as she bounced past her, "With all the crazy stuff happening in Equestria these days, is it so hard to believe? And weren't you wrong about kooky-stuff like this before?"

Spike, who was seated on Twilight's back, laughs as he remembers the various moments, "Yep, she sure was!"

Applejack pushed past Twilight and Pinkie Pie, grunting in disgruntlement, "'Cept Twilight's right because there ain't nothin' strange goin' on with Apple Bloom. She's just sick!"

Twilight pursed her lip in worry as her apple-bucking friend became more and more high strung over the idea of something as silly as a possession. Doubt began to pervade Twilight's mind. Maybe Lee could be right? This would not be the first time Twilight was wrong. Twilight remembered that she should keep an open mind and respect her friend's thoughts, no matter how improbable they seemed.

"You comin' Flutter-slut?" Lee called to the nickering pegasus at the bottom of the stairs.

Fluttershy backed up a few more steps, "Oh no, I think I'm fine right... over here. Heh... I wouldn't be much help any—eep!"

Lee hoisted his bundle of Flutters over his shoulder, and pressed up the stairs, "You're comin', b*tch."

"Okay..."

Twilight canters to the front of the group, and knocks on Apple Bloom's door. "Apple Bloom, are you alright? It's me, Twilight, and everypony else! We're here to check on you!"

Lee rubs his hands together in delight, "This is gonna be some funny sh*t..."

"Oh! Come on in!" Apple Bloom adorably drawled from behind the door.

Lee straightens his invisible tie, "Allow me," and pushes open the door. Lee's smile disappears as he see's Apple Bloom's current state. "HOLY SH*T!" the Fluttershy tucked under his arms meeped an, "Oh... my."

"What's wrong?" Twilight enters the room, and blanches at the yellow filly. "Apple Bloom... you definitely won't be able to make the play tomorrow."

Spike hops off of Twilight's back, and clutches his spine in terror, "That means... Diamond Tiara is gonna be the princess! Oh... man."

"Ah'm sure she'll do fine, Spike, even though she's a big stinker." Apple Bloom comforts, before violently wheezing into a handkerchief. She looked awful. Her coat had taken a sickly shade of yellow, dark rings circled her bloodshot eyes, her breathing audibly rasped against her throat, but she was smiling as if nothing was wrong.

Rarity tentatively stepped forward, "Are... are you alright, Apple Bloom? You look absolutely dreadful."

The ill filly giggled at her worry, "Ah just got a little cold! Ah'll be fine."

"See!" Applejack yells, "Ah' told y'all she was just sick! Now, we should leave her lonesome, so she can get some rest."

Lee pulls a face, "What the f*ck?! Why ain't she throwin' up on you!"

Applejack starts pushing everyone out of her little sister's room, confident that she convinced them everything was normal. They would have been convinced, if it were not for a simple comment.

"Ah'm not alone!" Apple Bloom argues, "Bob's always with me!"

Everypony freezes, while Lee slowly claps. "There it is..."

Applejack backs away as everypony enters the room in curiosity. Applejack points to the air in front of Apple Bloom and nervously attempts to explain, "It's just a little friend Apple Bloom made..! Heh, heh..."

"Oh, an imaginary friend?" Pinkie loudly asks, causing Applejack and Apple Bloom to cringe, "I had lots of those when I was a little filly! They were so much fun, but then I realized, they were imaginary!"

Rainbow Dash swoops over the air where "Bob" stood, "Yup, imaginary. No ghosts here!"

That was when a vase flew across the room, and crashed into itty-bitty pieces against the wall. The offending Apple Bloom rose from the bed, levitating by some unknown force, "Bob, isn't, IMAGINARY!" before firing a black, sludgey, vomit-bomb into Rainbow Dash's face.

Twilight's ears drooped in horror, "This is imposs—" but she was promptly shut up by another volley of stomach-missiles.

"Please, not me!" Rarity pleaded as she attempted to run out of the room. Unfortunately, Rarity was quickly plastered to the wall by a third vomit-rocket. Rarity whimpers as she slides off the wall, "My poor coat...."

Lee anticipated a fourth launch, and used a nearby Applejack as a pony-shield, causing the sludge-bomb to strike her instead. Lee placed her on the ground and puffed out his chest, "WHAT NOW, B*TCH—oh, f*ck me in the ass." Apple Bloom soared from her bed, and latched onto Lee's face, assaulting any exposed skin as she did before. "NOT THIS SH*T AGAIN!"

"So... do you assholes finally f*cking believe me?" Lee asked as he tentatively rubbed the various new bandages and bruises on his face. Everyone and everypony was recovering from the attack downstairs. The sudden possession has shaken everyone.

"Everypony got upchucked on except me, Fluttershy, and Pinkie, Apple Bloom was floating even though she's only an Earth Pony, and she had the strength of Big Mac." Spike finishes the list with a smirk, "I think something's up."

Rarity shivered, "So... icky."

"Did you see the way she pounded Lee!" Rainbow Dash adds, "That was crazy!"

Twilight shakes her head in disbelief as she paces back and forth, "This is ridiculous! Possessions and ghosts aren't supposed to be real!"

Lee snorts, "Yeah, well a lot of sh*t that's supposed to be fake hasn't been fake recently."

"Ah'm sorry, everypony." Applejack apologizes, "Ah shoulda told y'all about Bob."

Big Mac, who had been waiting for the ponies return from Apple Bloom, approached Applejack. "You should tell 'em."

"Ooh! Ooh! Tell us what? Is it a funny story, a secret, or the whereabouts of pirate treasure that your family has been living off of for five generations! Or is it—" Lee puts a hand in front of her chattering muzzle, forcing her to stop.

Applejack nods to Lee, "Thanks, Lee. Anyway, I've been... er... hidin' somethin' from y'all. Apple Bloom has been actin' mighty strange the past few days."

Everypony simultaneously says, "Mhmm."

Applejack waves it aside, "Right, right, y'all already knew that. Like I was sayin', she's been doin' weird things. At first, it was just an imaginary friend, Bob....."

"Applejack! Applejack!" Apple Bloom calls to her sister. "You need to meet Bob, he's really neato!"

Applejack craned her neck to find her sister's new friend. "Uh, sugar cube? I don't see nopony."

Apple Bloom frowns, and points to the air next to her. "But he's right here! Everypony says the same thing, but Ah seem him, clear as day!"

The elder sister smiles. She sees the game. It's just a harmless imaginary friend. She decided to play along. "Oh alright, Ah see him now. Y'all run along now! Ah got apple-bucking to do."

"... but then it just got weird. She kept talking to him, everywhere we went. At work, at dinner, with her friends, Cheerilee even told me that the kids at school were startin' to believe it! Ah tried tellin' her Bob wasn't real, since it was spookin' everypony else, but she just wouldn't listen... then she got angry, REAL angry. She dun' near bucked a tree in half! Then there were the nights... she'd scream and scream for hours. Apple Bloom started sleepwalkin' too! Ah'd find her outside, on top of the roof, across town, it wasn't right! Once... Ah found her just standing in front of mah bed in the middle of the night... she was just standin' there, starin' at me. After that, ah stopped tellin' her Bob was imaginary, because she kept gettin' so mad... it's like, Apple Bloom wasn't herself no more!"

Lee pulls a face as the story concludes, "And why didn't you call someone?"

"Because Apple Bloom said that if Ah told Princess Celestia or Luna, Bob would hurt her!" as if to accentuate her point, a clock hanging on the wall flew off the wall broke to bits, very close to Lee's head. Everypony gasped whereas Lee just scraped the clock bits off of his shoulder

"Okay... that's a pretty good reason."

"Well, we can't tell Princess Celestia or Luna, what are we gonna do now?!" Spike turns to Twilight, "Twilight? Do you have an idea?"

The Twilicorn shakes her head, "I don't, Spike! Nothing like this has ever happened before. Does anypony else?"

Pinkie Pie raises a hoof, "Maybe if we make friends with Bob or help him pass on, he'll go away?"

Everypony begins to nod and murmur in agreement at this seemingly sensible plan. But then...

"WRONG, MOTHER-F*CKERS!" Lee loudly objects, garnering much attention to himself. "THAT'S how you get yourself in even deeper sh*t, and a b*tch dies!"

"Then... um... what do you think we should do?" Fluttershy asks from under his chair (the clock seemed to have terribly frightened the poor creature.

Lee grins, and leaps off of the chair, "We exorcise the F*CK out of it!"

"Ey yo, Apple Bloom," Lee says to the bedridden filly, "you ever had an exorcism?"

"Uh, nope?" the puzzled pony asks as Rarity begins to bind her tightly to the bed rails. It was some time past midnight now.

"Okay," Lee says thoughtfully, "I've never done one either."

"Wait! You've never done this before?!" Twilight asks incredulously.

"Well, damn! It's not like this demonic sh*t happens to me every-f*cking-day! Well... actually... you know, nevermind. I GOT THIS SH*T! Rari-tits, is she secure?"

Rarity makes the last knot and brightly says, "Nice and snug!"

Lee grunts in approval. Time to piss off the demon. "Hey, is Bob here?"

Apple Bloom's neck performs a 360 degree spin in response, much to the ponies horror. "DING DONG. Yes I'm here. What, you wanna f*ck or something?!"

Lee cackles, "No, tell me who and what the f*ck you are."

Apple Bob laughs madly, shaking the room, "OH, an interview, it's about f*cking time! I like long walks on the beach—"

Lee slaps Apple Bob, "—EAT A DICK!"

"Lee! Why are ya hurtin' mah sis?!" Applejack demands.

"Don't worry, she'll heal up when Bob leaves. As I was saying..." he slaps Apple Bob once more, "EAT A FLOPPY DONKEY DICK! TELL ME WHO AND WHAT THE F*CK YOU ARE BEFORE I START CAPPIN' YOUR GHOST-B*TCH ASS!"

Bob giggles in delight, "OH, F*CK ME! YUMMY PAIN! Fine, I am a 1000 year old demon named Bolobthiz worshiped by zebra cultists! Some asshole found the statue I lived in and disturbed it, so now I'm stuck doing this!" the bed Bob was bound to begins to levitate. The lights flicker, and the windowpanes shatter as whipping windstorms form in the room, "SO WHY DON'T YOU KISS MY ASS!?!?!?!"

"B*TCH, KISS MY ANAL CANAL!"

"ASS!"

"ANAL!"

"ASS!"

"ANAL!"

"ASS!"

"ANAL!"

"Lee!" Twilight interrupts, "This is getting nowhere!"

Lee ducks to dodge a now flaming stomach-mortar, "You're right... wait, zebras... black people..." He grabs Twilight and shakes her, "ZEBRAS ARE THIS WORLD'S BLACK PEOPLE!"

Lee grabs a newspaper from a bookshelf (Apple Bloom reads the news?) and flips to the desired section. He approaches Bolobthiz once more, "You think you're big, huh? Well, try this, cock-chucker!" Lee forces Bolobthiz to gaze upon the job listings of the newspaper, "REEEEEEEAAAAAAAD NIGGGAAAAAA!!!!!"

Bolobthiz writhes in agony from the presence of responsibility, "NOOOOOOOO, NEEVEEEER!!!!!!!!!!"

"HE'S WEAK!" Lee removes his leather belt, "GRAB A BELT, WHIP, CANE, WHATEVER, AND REPEAT THE MANTRA WHILE BEATING HIS ASS!"

Rarity distributes her arsenal of buckles and belts to the ponies. "Now what, dear?"

Lee replies by whipping Bolobthiz with the belt, "ZIGGA, GET YO' STRIPED ASS OUTTA HERE!!!!"

Rainbow Dash immediately acts and repeats, "ZIGGA, GET YO' STRIPED ASS OUTTA HERE!!!!"

Rarity, after some hesitation, joins in, "ZIGGA, GET YO' STRIPED ASS OUTTA HERE!!!!"

"Ugh, why not?" then Twilight begins whipping, "ZIGGA, GET YO' STRIPED ASS OUTTA HERE!!!!"

Pinkie appears out of nowhere with a walking stick, "Ooh, me too! ZIGGA, GET YO' STRIPED ASS OUTTA HERE!!!!"

Spike grabs a broom, "Well, I can't get in trouble for saying bad words this time. ZIGGA, GET YO' STRIPED ASS OUTTA HERE!!!!"

A tear rolls down Applejack's eye as she starts to whip Bolobthiz, "Sorreh', Apple Bloom, it's for your own good. ZIGGA, GET YO' STRIPED ASS OUTTA HERE!!!!"

Fluttershy merely cowered in the corner. "Uh... I'll just watch."

"ZIGGA, GET YO' STRIPED ASS OUTTA HERE!!!!" the ponies and Lee chant and beat in unison, causing Bolobthiz to roar in pain.

"ZIGGA, GET YO' STRIPED ASS OUTTA HERE!!!!"

"ZIGGA, GET YO' STRIPED ASS OUTTA—"

"ENOOUUUUUGH!!!!!!!!" Bolobthiz rips from the bed's bonds, and hovers in the air, far from the belt's reach. An invisible force pushes the ponies (and Spike) against the wall with resounding force, sending stars in their vision... leaving Lee a bulwark against the demon's power.

Bolobthiz cackles at his efforts, "WHAT NOW, HAIRLESS UNCLE-F*CKER?"

However, Bolobthiz didn't anticipate Lee punching him in the face. Bolobthiz reels from the pain, "Wait a minute... this doesn't make sense, those slaps in the beginning hurt too! But, living beings can't touch me! Unless...." Bolobthiz's rasping laughter rang out once more, "You have had contact with a very dark and powerful magic... wait, why are you crouching?"

Lee bellows, "BECAUSE, F*CK YOU AND YOUR MAGIC!" before leaping at the floating Bolobthiz, tackling him through the second story window and bringing the possessed filly to the cold, hard, frozen ground.

Lee groaned, and rolled off of Bolobthiz. He may have broken the fall, but it still really hurt.

Bolobthiz attempts to rise, but only falls back to the ground. Bolobthiz turns back to Lee and grimaces, "It seems that the dark magic you have touched has given you more than enough power to harm spiritual beings..."

Lee pushes off of the ground, and steadily stabilizes as he stands. "So... that means you felt the two -tory, back-breaking drop?"

"Every single f*cking bit... plus, your added weight didn't help."

"Hey! F*ck you too."

Bolobthiz chuckles, and blankly stares at the sky, "YOU HAVE WON THIS TIME, Lee Newsom... BUT I'LL BE BACK, AND LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN STOP ME THEN, DOUCHE-SUCKLER! AHAHAHAHAHA—"

Lee gives him a final kick in the ribs, silencing the demon, "—Just f*cking leave already."

The haunted filly seemed to respond to Lee's voice (not his strike or the drop, thankfully) , and slowly opened her eyes. Apple Bloom notes her surroundings and the panting Lee. "Lee, what the hay just happened?"

Author's Note

There you have it, the Exorcism Arc. As you can all see, this had a lot of influence from The Exorcist and The Boondocks (that episode, Stinkmeaner Strikes Back). I hope there aren't too many errors in this, because I don't have time to look back over it since I'm about to leave for a Christmas party.

Yes, Bolobthiz will return later. No, he is not a major overarching villain.

Merry Christmas, and Happy Hearth's Warming!

REQUEST I NEED YOUR CHARACTERS!

ATTENTION, FOLLOWERS OF LEE'S CHAOTIC ADVENTURE THROUGH EQUESTRIA!

I need your OCs. I need these OCs for a special chapter.

What is this chapter about?

Well, its working title is: My Little Date! Kawaii, Desu Ne~?

The premise(no spoilers, don't worry) is that Lee and a whole bunch of other ponies have been invited to participate in a mysterious game show. Little do they aaaaall know, it turns out to be a Dating Game Show... a very unusual one. (no weird-ass clop, trust me on this).

The thing is, Lee and everypony else gets locked into it, and they have to participate... but if they win, they get a prize they can't refuse (haven't figured that part out yet), so they play on.

This is gonna be hilarious.

I don't wanna use ships with canon main characters, so I thought it would be a good idea to get actual people's OCs (from their own stories, preferably) to be contestants! There would be some cowriting between us involved, but I would need the main reign for the plot to work.

I won't do anything with your characters that you don't want me to, but you can set some parameters for what isn't okay if you wish. In fact, I'll probably tell you the situation, and you'll just tell me how the character would act.

C'mon, guys, I need your help with this!

Not sure about how many OCs I'm actually accepting, probably around 6 or 7.

I need male and female OCs both!

If you don't want this to fit in with your stories canon, that's find. Just mark this as a crossover chapter that has no canonical value.

Comment below!

Author's Note

Please help me out here, I really want this to work. Not only is this a fun chapter idea, but it's an effort to get to know some authors better!

ANNOUNCEMENT-ISH

Ok, serious-ish talk about "A Legend Crashes into Equestria".

First off, I'm going to completely abandon the OC Dating Sim Arc. I don't know where I was going with that (I had less of an idea

of where to get with that arc than I usually do...) and honestly, it's just not worth the time RIGHT NOW. It was a cool idea, but I just

can't do it yet. In fact, non-story moving chapters (the Virat, OC arc, the Swag chaps, Zigga Moment) are not going to be present. Yup,

now I'm just going to be moving on with the story, full steam ahead, for a couple of reasons. One is that I've got another fic to work on.

The other is that this story is just getting too damn long. There's like 19 chapters, and it's over 62,000 words. This was just some

random fic I don't know how the Hell it got so lengthy.

TL;DR, only heavy-story-progressing chapters, whilst maintaining the high-octane humor, are going to be churned. I might do some

filler chapters again, just so that it won't feel rushed, but probably just one or two. So get strapped in, shit's going down because I'm

lazy.

Author's Note

No one reads this section anyways