Pt. I- The Start of a Dead Man's Tale
On the night of the twenty third of Ardile, the rainiest month of Equestria’s year, as the clocks of Canterlot struck ten o'clock and exactly ten o’clock, and as Princess Celestia slept, she had a strange dream.
One thousand, six hundred years ago exactly, she personally ended the reign of terror of one Telsar Merkin, the Great Pirate Lord, by ordering his execution upon his arrest. She watched, on that day, with grim satisfaction as one of the bloodiest, most violent beings of the world was hung at the now-retired gallows that once sat at the center of Canterlot’s garden, then so necessary when piracy ran unchecked across the world.
The Pirate Era, or so it was known, began with the rise in power of Telsar, and ended with his execution. In just two years after his death, the empire based on his influence crumbled, and any remaining pirates were arrested, killed, or went into hiding with their treasure.
Now, one thousand six hundred years later, on a particularly stormy night- just as Celestia remembered the execution being -the Princess of the Sun had a strange, almost nightmarish experience in her sleep.
Whatever was in the dream, she didn’t remember in full, just a blur of sound, color and motion. She did, however, recall a single phrase, one which made her shiver as she awoke to a clap of thunder. The same phrase she heard Telsar speak, once when the Pirate Era began, and again before he was lead to the gallows on the last day of his life.
“Three hours till the new age starts, Celestia. Three more hours, and the world is forever changed....”
“Ugh....” I groaned and grabbed my head, feeling a massive headache punching my brain in the everywhere. I didn’t even bother trying to open my eyes, and my entire body felt like I tried to pick a fist fight with a bear. And lost.
“Jesus Christ what happened last night?” I rubbed my eyes and groaned. ‘I haven’t that hammered in a while, what was I even fucking thinking?’
“Ah, God,” I paused as I heard a female voice grumble next to me, “keep it down would ya? Other people got headaches too, ya know....”
....
....
‘Oh lord please tell me I didn’t, my sister would fucking kill me.’
I heard the voice suddenly shout, “Gah! Shut up already would ya!?”
“... I didn’t say anything....” Seriously, I didn’t. I’m pretty sure that last thought stayed in my head.
“Yeah well I can still hear it man, I get mind-ready when I’m drunk or hungover.”
I paused at the statement and said, “That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.”
“Don’t I know it....” The mystery person groaned- and I should really open my eyes. It’d be nice to know who I very likely got smashed with last... night, I guess it was?
Taking a deep breath to prepare myself, I slowly opened my eyes, waiting for the sun to come out and smack me in the head with a proverbial frying pan. Any second now... my eyes are almost open... any second... huh. No blinding pain. Why is- oh.
Looking up after a bit of blurriness in my vision, I saw that it was pretty dark out, probably sometime in the afternoon, and a thick layer of dark clouds blocked the sun. Looks like another fun, sticky, humid mid-summer storm for good ‘ol Cincinnati!
Really though I quite like it when it rains- rainstorms and thunderstorms are my favorite whether, actually -but they’re slightly less enjoyable when you wake up... yeah looks like I’m under a bush in my backyard. Rainstorms are less fun when you wake up hungover under a bush, next to someone you don’t know, and quite possibly did things with. Speaking of which....
I gave my eyes another rub for good measure and turned to my right, where the voice had come from, and oh good Lord whaddafuck.
Okay, so. Ever wake up after heavy drinking, under a bush with a massive hangover and next to a person you don’t know or recall meeting, then when you open your eyes, it’s a really weird looking girl who looks like, ten?
I’m tempted to scream, but that would just hurt both our heads.
“What the fucking fuck did I do last night!?” Oh, never mind, screamed anyway. Ow.
“Ow-owowow,” she sat up and clamped her hands over her ears, “don’t do that man, my head’s already killing me as it is....”
“I- wha- who- you’re- I... ugh....” ‘Shit dude don’t black out now, this is like the worst possible-’
***
“Ugh....” I groaned and grabbed my head, feeling a- wait, no, we already went through that brain. This is the part where I wake up again after learning I possibly got drunk with a ten year old girl....
That sounds bad no matter what context you put it in. Damn I must've fucked up baaaaaad.
“So,” my internal monologue was unceremoniously shattered by aforementioned girl, “finally awake there, huh Michael?” ‘Shit she even knows my name?’ “Well of course I do; you don’t get blind drunk with someone without learning their name, do you?”
That’s actually a valid point, an- wait a minute!
I shot up from my laying position, opened my eyes and looked across from me- hey I’m in my living room. No, wait, focus!
I smacked the sides of my face and looked across from me at the loveseat adjacent to the couch I had been placed on. I stared at the girl and I blinked. Then I blinked again, this time with an expression of pure, dumbfounded confusion.
Okay, so, seeing as I obviously got drunk with her, I may as well describe what she looks like. Short- pretty usual for a probably ten year old girl I’d say -but then that usualness stops fucking dead. I’m talking pale skin, bright white hair probably as long as she is tall, and with a few red and black streaks here and there for good measure, I guess.
Also, she had bright white eyes, and black... sclera I think is the name for what’s usually the whites of your eyes, and she had theses oh-so-lovely little curved... spike-things tattooed under her left eye and down her cheek. Her pupils are normal though, so that’s all fine and fuckin’ dandy!
Now her clothes. That’s the kicker, because I have never seen anyone, anyone, not a child or adult in America or any other third world country, dress like her. She had on some sort of weird black robe with this... gold, slightly-tribal-but-not-really looking designed hem around the neck, sleeves and base.
Then there’s the hat. That fucking hat. What. Some sort of large, wide brimmed hat- we’re talking past shoulder-width wide motherfucker -that had colors to match the robe; all black but the edge of the brim was that same golden design. And a skull. A nice, sizable, bull-like skull with horns and all, just sittin’ on top of the fuckin’ thing like it belongs there. Ahaha-what!?
Since I was more than a bit silent at the moment, she looked ready to say something, but I cut her off before she could. I held up four fingers.
“Four questions.” I said with all the calm demeanor of a set of keys in a blender, being operated by a chimpanzee jacked up on speed. Pretty sure that last part was supposed to be said first but whatever, I am in no mood to structure my analogies correctly.
She raised an eyebrow with some sort of half-smile and nodded, “Alright, I was probably about to answer them anyway.”
“One,” I said, conviction somehow intact, “who are you?” She looked ready to answer, but I stopped her, “Two,” my voice is already cracking, oh joy, “why are you in my house? Three” kill me now oh Lord, “why do I get the impression we got drunk together? And lastly,” forgive me padre for I have sinned, “what the everloving fuck is even going on anymore!?” Don’t care if she’s a kid, I’ll say fuck. We apparently got drunk together, vulgarity can go to Hell.
“Well,” she leaned back in the seat, crossing her arms behind her head and her legs on top of the coffee table, “looks like I was right, I was about to answer all of your questions before you asked.”
‘Why you smug little....’
She waved a finger, “Ah-ah-ah, none of that now. It’s not my fault, those are just the kind of questions that come up in these sorts of situations. If you think about it, it makes sense, really.”
“I... that....” Okay, so thinking about, those questions do seem like they would easily come up if this were to happen to anyone else. The fact that she knows that is worrying though, all that means is that she must have been in a similar situation before, and that scares me.
“Anyway,” she continued, “I can easily answer all of those, but I’ll save that first one for last, just because that might have the greater impact.”
“Alright....” I’m still a bit confused and worried and scared and confused, but she’s going to answer the questions, so I might as well let her choose the order.
“Well to get all three of the others out of the way; we did get drunk together.” She started to laugh with a strangely wistful expression, “We probably spent the better hours of last night bar-hopping and slamming just as much alcohol as we could!” She chuckled lightly, “Heh, haven’t had that much fun in a while, I tell ya, I really gotta thank ya for that....”
“Um... you’re welcome...?” What.
“And that kind of answers the other two.” She made a so-so gesture with her hand, “We’re in your house because when we woke up outside, you screamed and passed out, so I carried you in and set you down on the couch.”
“Oh, thanks, I guess....”
“No problem.” She smiled, “And as for what’s even going on...? Well, we got drunk, and now we’re here. That’s about it, really, but there’s parts to it that go into who I am, so I guess I should answer that now.”
We sat silent for a bit as she covered her mouth with a hand, looking up in what appeared to be very deep thought. This is awkward, better break the silence.
“So... you are...?” Yeah just let it hang there, even more awkwardly than before.I guess it worked though, because she snapped out of whatever deep-thinking she was in and stared at me, looking a bit dazed for a second.
“Oh, uh,” she shook her head and sighed, “sorry, spaced out for a second. Anyway, nice to meet you.” She stood up and leaned over the coffee table, her hand outstretched for me to shake. Shrugging internally, I pulled myself forward and grasped her small hand, giving it a light shake.
“I’m Death.” She grinned.
“... Huh?” Smooth response there jackass. “Uh, I’m Michael...?” Even better.
She laughed lightly, “It would seem you’re having a bit of disbelief at my statement.”
“That,” I said slowly, “and a Hell of a lot of confusion.” I blinked, “Death...?”
“Yep,” she grinned even wider, “the one and only, in the flesh!”
I let go of her hand and slowly sank back into the couch. ‘Death? Death. What. Death? Just... Death?’
After a few moments of... that, I finally said to her, “Forgive me if I have a hard time believing that.”
“Eh,” she shrugged, “a lot of people do. Need some convincing?”
I frowned and raised an eyebrow at her, feeling a bit wary. If she’s joking, nothing would happen, obviously, but if she’s not... I don’t think I want to know how she would prove it.
“As uh... as long as it doesn’t involve killing me, or anyone else, I guess?” Seems like a reasonable worry; if there were any way to prove you’re Death, willing someone to die would be a pretty damn good way to do it.
She laughed and shook her head, “Nah, that’d just be rude. Besides, you’re too much fun to kill-” Whether I should feel honored or scared is beyond me. “-and what I had in mind was...” she drifted off with a sort of devious smile replacing her grin.
Suddenly, she stuck her right arm out to her side, and a black mass of... stuff started swirling around her hand. After a couple terrifying seconds of hearing a child say what I would call an unintelligible demonic chant, a bit of red mixed in with the black, and suddenly the shit just exploded.
Now, it wasn’t a big explosion mind you, nor one that actually damaged or affected anything in the room in any discernible way, but an explosion of black/red demon shit is one anyone would duck away from, and do that I did.
I huddled into the couch cushions, my hands protecting my head with a good grip and... nothing. just a bit of laugh-infused humming and something tapping lightly against the ground.
“You can look now.” I heard her say.
Slowly I brought my head up to look at whatever the fuck she just did and JESUSFUCKWHAT. NO. NO. THAT’S WRONG. THAT’S TERRIFYING ACTUALLY. THAT’S.... That’s... actually pretty convincing.
So... she just summoned a giant scythe. It’s like twice her height, and the blade’s probably a good five or so feet long and yeah she definitely wasn’t hiding that thing anywhere.
“So... Death, right?” I asked feebly.
She smiled and gave the scythe a little twirl before slamming it into the ground, “That’s me. And since you asked me a few questions, I have just one, small one to ask you.” Her smile’s getting wider, why does that worry me?
“Alright...” I gulped, “what’s the question?”
Her grin was very likely at its widest as she held out her free hand for me to grab, and with a conviction in her voice the likes of which I had never heard in a person, she asked a question that would change my life forever.
“Would you like to go on an adventure, Michael?”
“Celestia what, may I ask, is the meaning of this!?”
Queen Armalis, the ruler of the Humans and their nation of Nollmus, was a fair leader, and just in almost every action she took. She was not known to be easily angered, and even if she was, she was renowned for the restraint she exercised in her fury. When it came to foreign matters, especially those with the Ponies of Equestria, however, her patience was much thinner.
“I already told you, Armalis, it was a mistake made in urgency! I in no way meant to-”
Celestia, to her credit, only flinched slightly when Armalis’ armored hand slammed into the marble armrest of her throne.
“I don’t care about your “mistakes” Celestia, nor how urgent the situation may be!” She ground her fingers into the already eroded marble in a practice she often used to relieve stress, “What I do care about, however, is when I’m on the brink of political upheaval by that Human supremacist organization, whose anger only grows when you send a battalion of guards into one of my most populated cities, not only in search of some wildly fantastical skeleton, but a Human child as well, who your officers claimed they threatened force against!”
“But I am not so sure it was a child, Armalis!” The Princess argued, “It reanimated a skeleton, it could have been a demon disguised as a young Human, for all we know!”
Armalis pounded her fist into her throne again, cracking the marble as she bellowed, “But you did not know, Celestia! If those officers had gone through with that threat, it could very well have been the tipping point for the Supremacists to stage a revolution!” She blew out a deep, frustrated breath and pinched the bridge of her nose, closing her eyes as she ended her rant, “One act such as that, Celestia, and I will be unable to defend your actions anymore.... The trade and military policies have pushed the Supremacists far enough already, and our recent dealings with the slave rings in the east have only fueled their anger....”
“They were kidnapping my subjects!” Celestia cried, “I had no other choice but to take action!”
“I know that, Celestia,” Armalis sighed, “and I agree with the actions you took; I sent my troops to help.... But the Supremacists only see the world through their twisted vision, and see the actions taken by you as a sign of Human oppression, and the actions I took as an act of treachery to our species; it’s the same with the policies you and I have passed on military and economic matters, and I doubt it’ll ever change....”
“I know, Armalis...” Celestia briefly remembered back to last week, where a Human-Pony family in Canterlot was found dead, with degrading messages and slurs written all over their stripped and beaten bodies, “I know....”
Armalis sighed once more, feeling significantly more tired than only an hour ago, “Alright, Celestia... what’s this about a skeleton? I might as well listen to what it is you’re chasing after.”
The Princess drew a deep breath, trying to calm her rattled nerves for the explanation, “Well, last night, on the day of Telsar Merkin’s execution, I had a nightmare. It was about the day he was hung in Canterlot... you remember what he had said to me that day, do you not?”
““Three hours till the new age starts, Celestia. Three more hours, and the world is forever changed...”, of course I remember.” Armalis looked over to one of the throne room’s stained glass windows, which depicted the rulers of each nation, “We all remember it.”
“Well, that is all I remember of the dream, but it had shaken me. I had not had such an experience since... Luna....” Silence fell on the wide halls of the throne room as the two royals remembered back to the fate of Princess Luna.
“So, naturally, I had cause to worry,” Celestia continued, shaking her head free of the thoughts, “and so I arranged to come here, to see his coffin one more time and assure myself that he was gone.”
“However, when you got there....”
“When I got there,” the Princess choked slightly, “his skeleton, reanimated by whatever means, was free from his coffin and the display it was in, and there was a child there with him, conversing with the... monster.”
“The Human child, who your guards claim wielded a scythe twice her size?” Armalis asked.
“She did wield such a thing, yes. And I felt a strange... presence emanating from her, a very dark, foreboding one, like she carried the... the Mark of Death, almost.”
Armalis’ eyes widened at Celestia’s words, and she lurched forward in her throne shouting, “What!? There is no way that is possible; Meran’s Walkers were wiped out hundreds of years ago, how could-”
“Calm yourself, my friend, please.” Celestia pleaded, “I only said it was a similar feeling, nothing more. I could tell from a single glance that she was not one of... his servants.”
Letting out a low breath of relief, Armalis sank back into her throne, “That is good to hear.... But I am to assume a Demon of some sort is of suspect here?”
“Yes,” Celestia said tersely, “the presence given off by the child was certainly akin to that of a Demon’s, and the fact that she is the most likely to have reanimated Telsar’s corpse does not help her case.”
“Of course it is...” Armalis sighed, “even after excluding them to the southern continent, they always seem to crop up every now and again.... And we are sure it is Telsar’s soul?” She asked suddenly.
Confused, Celetia stumbled slightly, “I... beg your pardon?”
“Are you certain, Celestia, that whatever Demon that has reanimated his skeleton, actually brought his soul back specifically, too? He’s well over a century and a half dead, for all we know it’s some random soul the Demon struck a deal with.”
The Princess put a hoof to her chin in thought, muttering just loud enough for Armalis to hear, “Now that I think about it... it’s very possible it was simply a cohort of the Demon; he did not threaten to kill me the instant he saw me, and even without a face to express, I could sense a great deal of confusion from all of us, save the Demon of course.”
“That’s an issue as well, come to think of it,” Armalis added, tapping a finger against the roughed marble of her throne, “we don’t truly know if it is a Demon, or some other similar being.” She looked into the eyes of the Pony’s Princess and asked, “What shall we do when- if we find them?”
“While I would rather they be locked up...” Celestia sighed, “it may be best to simply bring them in for questioning. We cannot rush to conclusions as I did earlier in my frenzy, and should learn all we can before acting on these two... strange beings that have decided to appear.”
“Hm... a wise decision,” the Queen agreed, “I’ll send word to my guard at once; there will be a search order out for the two beings you and your guards have described, but force is not authorized unless severe conditions of the situation demand it.” She made to call out to her advisor to send the message to the guard, but caught herself to say one last thing to Celestia, “And please, not only as a fellow monarch but a friend, do not involve yourself or your troops too heavily in this matter... as I said before, the Supremacists only grow more agitated with every similar action you take.”
“I... I understand, Armalis.” The two shared a respectful bow, and Celestia turned towards the long hall, and began a brisk walk towards the exit.
“I will send word every week through Dragonfire, Celestia; it would be of great disrespect to leave you in the dark as this matter progresses!” She heard Armalis call after her.
Celestia did not pause as she briefly twisted her head around to call back, “I thank you, and farewell!”
As the large, gilded wooden doors creaked open and subsequently slammed shut as Princess Celestia left, Armalis sank back into her throne, more weary than she had been in a long while.
She pressed a finger against her temple as she felt a migraine coming on, and she shouted in a strained voice, “Marise!”
From a door at the back-right corner of the room, behind the throne, a woman dressed head to toe in simple iron armor stepped into the room, a sword clattering at her side with every step she took. She stopped before the throne and gave a practiced salute.
“My Queen?”
Armalis, for what felt like the thousandth time that day, sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, “I have an order I want you to send out to the guard....”
Pt. II- How to Become a Criminal in less than ten Minutes
“Uh... what?”
“Do you,” she pointed at me, “want to go on an adventure?”
I am so fucking confused right now. Forget the earlier shit about waking up hungover next to a ten year old, then learning that the ten year old is really Death, this is some grade ‘A’ confusion right here.
“Uh....” I am a fucking master of conversation when I’m confused. Definitely.
She chuckled and crossed her arms, “What’s the matter, Michael? You seem confused.” No shit.
“I uh... I’m mostly wondering; why?” Seems like a fair question, all things considered. Is this some sort of fucked up prophecy shit, or random chance, or what?
“Oh,” she shrugged, “well that’s easy.” She started to count off fingers as she recalled what I guessed were the events leading up to us waking up outside, “First I was made, by my brothers and sisters, to take a break from my job, because they said I was stretching myself too thin with all my work. After a bit of convincing I agreed, and decided to come to this universe because I thought I’d have myself a bit fun, y’know, and this universe has the funnest perception of me; this.” She paused to gesture to herself.
I nodded slowly, “Right....” Makes sense in a weird sort of way, I guess.
“So after I arrived here,” she went on, “I came to this Earth, because it was the closest, and Human Earths are always my favorite to hang around on, for some reason. Then I just wandered around- getting a lot of strange looks, mind you -until I arrived here in this lovely little city.”
“I’m willing to bet that’s when you ran into me at... some point, anyway?” I asked.
She nodded, grinned again, “Yep! Ya see, I had decided a while before I arrived that the child look was stopping me from doing my favorite things, mainly drinking, so I disguised myself as an older woman.”
‘Oh dear, that doesn’t sound good at all.’
She must not have heard that thought, because she continued on without batting an eye, “So after a few days here, I ran into you, and thought you were a pretty fun guy, and since it’s basically tradition for me to take new friends out for drinks... well, here we are!”
“Huh... so....” I slumped back and scratched my head, trying to run down the basics of what I was just told, “I made friends with Death after getting drunk with her....”
She nodded, “Yeah, that’s right.”
“And now... you,” I pointed to her, “Death... want to go on an adventure....” I pointed to myself now, “With me.”
She put on a big, childish grin and put her hands on her hips, rocking back and forth on her feet, “That pretty much sums it up!”
I stared at her in silence. Complete, utter silence, all throughout the house. She’s really asking me this? The being that is apparently Death, who I am now presumably friends with, who I got drunk and passed out with, is asking this? Asking me to go on an “adventure” with her? Not telling me what the adventure is, just calling it an adventure. She’s really going to do this? Ask me to probably leave my home, family, and everything for an adventure? There’s only one answer to this, obviously.
“Eh fuck it, I’m game.”
And commence the small-girl Death almost falling back in shock. Ha. Guess she wasn’t expecting that answer.
After regaining her balance, she gave a half-happy half-surprised look and asked, “R-really? Just like that, you’re agreeing to go on an adventure? Not knowing anything about it, and with the possibility of having to leave your home, and family, and-”
“Ah,” I cut her off and tapped a finger against the side of my head, “no need to go through those motions; I already did in my here.”
“I- but- you...” she sat down on the loveseat and put her face in her hands, looking at me with a disgruntled, kind of lost expression, “now it’s my turn to be confused. I mean, from those thoughts I read when we first woke up, you said you have a sister. Wouldn’t she be mad, or upset or... something?”
With a small chuckle I shook my head, “You really don’t know my family then. My parents, before they passed away, were big on excavation and exploring, and that kind of passed on to my sis, Tempest is her name, and I. They would sometimes just leave one day, and not come back for... shit, years at a time.” I felt myself frown, “I wish it hadn’t happened as often as it did, but it did give my sis and I a resistance to being sad when you don’t see a family member for a long period of time.”
“So... she wouldn’t be mad then?” She asked with a raised eyebrow.
I shrugged, “Probably not, at least as long as I leave a note anyway.” Looking up, I scratched my chin in thought, “If I’m right, she actually went on a random trip to South America a year or two back, and was gone for almost eight months.”
Surprisingly, she seemed more disheartened by the explanation than anything, “That’s... that’s a bit screwed up, honestly....”
I waved a hand dismissively, “Eh it’s fine, I’ve gotten used to it over the years.”
“Well...” she scratched the back of her head, looking down at the floor, before raising her head with a small smile, “alright, if that’s what you say. We in agreement on going on an adventure together, then?”
I nodded with a smile of my own, “I’d say so!” I stood up from the couch and stretched my arms a bit, asking her, “So, anything I might need to know, or are we heading out ASAP?”
“Actually yeah, hold up a sec....” She got up from her seat and walked around the cough and out through the living room door and into the kitchen. “Come on, follow me.”
I did, and when I stepped into the kitchen I found that the kitchen table had a decent pile of objects on top of it; a collection of what looked like leather pouches of varying sizes.
She opened one of the pouches and rifled through its contents for a few seconds, then pulled out a small handful of old-looking, rolled up pieces of cloth-like papers. She set some of them down, and unrolled the one left in her hands to read over.
With an expression of extreme concentration, she scanned the paper and said to me, “This is just information on the world we’ll be going to; I’ve been there before, but I need to freshen up on the exact contents of it so that I don’t screw up and get us caught in a situation we-” she stopped to turn the paper over, “don’t need to be caught in....”
‘Did she just say “world”?’
“Uh...” I said, voicing my thoughts, “did you just say “world”?”
After a few seconds, she rolled up the paper and nodded to me, “Yep, a whole nother world. What, did you think an adventure with Death would be normal?”
“Ah...” I held up a finger, then let it drop, “you make way too much sense in your arguments.”
She chuckled, “When you’re as old and experienced as I am, you tend to. Anyway,” she waved a hand, “on to the basics of the world. What you’ll need to know is that it’s called Andralla, and while it does have humans on it, there are a good number of other sentient, sapient species that live there.”
I raised an eyebrow, “Oh? Like what?” ‘Other beings besides humans? That sounds pretty cool, actually.’
“Uhh....” She silently counted off her fingers, mouthing words to herself before saying, “There’s a species of colorful talking pony things, monkey people, sea serpents, bipedal dog-people, griffons, minotaurs, bipedal cat-people, dragons, i-”
I waved my hands, “I... get the idea... Death.” ‘It’s way too strange to call anyone that, regardless of the fact that it’s actually their name.’ “Anything else I need to know?”
“Hm....” She tapped her fingers to her chin in thought, then snapped said fingers and exclaimed, “Ah, right! We need to discuss your new body!”
And right back into confusion we go, oh how fun.
“Uh, new body?”
She nodded, “Yep! The body you have wouldn’t really be suited for the type of things we’d be doing, so I saw fit to arrange a new one for you! It’d be a lot more useful in the long run, and whenever we get done, you can have your old one back, I’ll make sure it gets stored and preserved for later reuse.”
“I- that’s- but...” I shook my head, “you know what? No. I already agreed, might as well go with it. So what’s this...” I shuddered internally, “new body like?”
“Well, first of all, it’s a skeleton,” ‘What’ “about sixteen hundred years old,” ‘Double what’ “and belonged to a guy who owed me money, which is why I’m giving it to your soul for use.” ‘Jesus fuck what?’
“I’m not sure which part of that is more disturbing.”
“Whichever part you want....” She trailed off as she turned back to the table and picked up one of the papers she set down earlier. “Now... I’m going to need you to sign something before we can head out.”
She spread it out on the table in front of me, and I could plainly see it was a contract of some sort. It was easily the shortest contract I had ever seen; it only consisted of two sentences.
“You, ________, hereby accept to go on an adventure across the Universe with I, Death, and accept whatever events may happen as a result. By signing this contract, you, ________, submit yourself as a servant of I, Death, and by law may not leave your position until the contractor, Death, commands it.”
Sign here,__________
“Okay, so,” I turned to her, “what does it mean by.. well, that entire second sentence?”
“Basically,” she said as she searched through one of the other pouches, pulling out a fountain pen, “it means that, until I say you can retire, you must continue to work and/or travel with me. Pretty much comes down to a “you can’t die until I let you” kind of deal, which I’m allowed to do because I’m Death, and immortals already exist, so one more won’t hurt.”
“So... I get to live forever, at least until you tell me I can die?” I asked.
“Yep!”
I stared between her and the contract for a few seconds, before ultimately shrugging and grabbing the pen, “Where do I sign?”
She smiled and pointed out the three blank lines punctuating them with, “Here, here and here.”
In three fluid motions I signed Michael Phisher onto each line, then handed the pen back to Death. Widening her smile, she grabbed the contract and rolled it up, stuffing it back into the pouch.
“Now,” she said while holding out her hand, “let’s shake on it, and get this adventure rolling!”
Grinning a bit myself, I slapped my hand into hers and gave it a firm shake, and-
Alright immediate unconsciousness was not what I was expecting, but I can’t really say I’m surprised and- why is everything so dark?
“Because,” I heard Death say from... nowhere, “you’re inside a coffin- and don’t say anything out loud, only speak in thoughts. You’ll just cause a panic otherwise.”
‘Uh, okay,’ I thought, ‘but why am I in a coffin?’
I heard her sigh, “I kind of forgot that the body I gave ya was part of one of those moving museum exhibits. Y’know, the kind that move around the country and set up in different museums for people to see?”
‘Ah....’ I paused, realizing what she just said, ‘Wait why’s the body in a museum exhibit?’
“Oh, uh, hehe... funny thing about the body I gave you....”
‘Yeesssss...?’
“Well,” she gulped, “it kind of belonged to a very famous, very feared pirate lord who might have terrorized the entire world sixteen hundred years ago.... And the good people of the world thought that warranted an exhibit...?”
.... Jesus fuckin’ Christ this could either be really bad, or really good.
‘So how do I get out?’ I asked.
“Uh... well, I’m outside the display right now, and there are a Hell of a lot of people here. I didn’t check when the museum closes, but I know this is the exhibit’s last day at this particular one, so... it’s up to you how we do this.”
‘Hmm... what are my options?’
“We could wait until the museum closes and bust you out then, whenever that is, we could be extra paranoid and wait until after they pack up and move you to the next museum, or we could just break you out right now and make a mad dash for the exit, hoping the sight of a seven-foot tall reanimated skeleton would scare everyone away long enough for us to get out.”
‘Well...’ I mulled the ideas over in my head, ‘while those first two dosound a lot safer... they don’t sound nearly as fun as the third option.’
“Alright,” I heard her muffled voice shout from outside the coffin, instead of in my head, “plan “C” it is then!”
Her exclamation was followed by the sound of shattering glass and a really, really annoying alarm-like beeping. A couple seconds passed before the wall, which I’m guessing was the coffin’s door, was torn off and I could see everything outside, finally.
The entire room was your standard museum, with a marble floor and high stone ceilings with similar stone pillars, and the whole area was filled with glass cases and guard rails, with the odd poster or floor map here and there. Yeah, pretty usual, except for the very obvious “pirate” theme going on all over the damn place. Seriously, there were paintings and models of ships, mannequins of different shapes and sizes wearing stereotypical pirate clothes, cutlasses and flintlock pistols, cannons and you name it!
“Come on ya stupid skeleton, we don’t have a lot of time!” My examining of the room was broken by Death who I looked down at to see that she still looked exactly like the last time I saw her.
“Right, right, I’m comin’ lass, hold yer horses....” Holy shit I even sound like a stereotypical pirate now, and my voice sounds deep and gravelly as shit. Sweet.
I took a second to look down at my body and- yeah, shit, she wasn’t kidding. I’m a real, honest to God walking skeleton. I can’t really say if I was completely expecting it or not, but it’s still pretty surprising to look down and realize you are literally nothing but a walking stack of bones. Wait....
“Hey Death, why am I naked?”
She rolled her eyes in response, “You’re a skeleton, and that body, while preserved for all this time, had no real need for clothes, so they were taken away and sold at auction or something....” She gave a disgruntled sigh and waved a hand, “Look, it doesn’t even matter; I got you some clothes in one of these,” she patted one of the pouches that I had previously seen on my kitchen table, “which used to belong to the guy whose body you’re in.
I held up a finger, “Uh, why do ye have-”
“Like I said, he owed me money.”
“... Good point.” I looked around at the rather panicky... people? There were a couple humans, but also some horses and dog people and... quite a few of things Death mentioned would be on this world, actually. Huh, cool.
“So,” Death said, getting my attention back, “I think we should leave. Now. I heard that, for some reason, the pony’s ruler wanted to see the exhibit today, and if my memory’s correct, she would not like to see that body walking around.”
I... would raise an eyebrow, but I can’t, so I resorted to simply asking, “Why’s that?”
She shrugged in response, “I don’t know, something that happened a long time ago when this guy,” she tapped the bottom of her scythe against my shin, “was still alive.”
“Alright, so let’s-”
“Freeze!”
Shit.
Death and I both turned towards the shout, and what was there was one of the most ridiculously intimidating things I’d ever seen. A couple of those small horses- which I might add are probably four feet tall at the most -were standing around the only door I could see. They were almost completely identical with white coats and gold armor, each with a funny little blue plume on the helmets. The horns and wings that different ones had were the only things that made them vary in appearance.
They pointed spears at us. I’m a skeleton. She’s Death. Ha.
“What in the Gods’ names....” Oh, and who is this taller, winged-and-horned pony with a crown and swirly hair? She seems pretty freaked, unlike the guards, which I find a bit weird, seeing as she’s almost twice their height.
“So... who are ye all?” Asking that only seemed to freak her out more, and cause the guards to tense up.
“Silence!” One of the guards shouted, “And you, human, put down your... weapon!” ‘Haha, he’s intimidated by the short girl with the big weapon.’
“Michael,” I heard Death say in my head, “see that window over there, on your right?”
I glanced over to my right and, sure enough, there was a rather large window, probably ten feet tall at the least.
‘Yeah, I see it. What about it?’ I just realised that my thoughts don’t have the accent, it’s just my normal voice.... How the Hell does that work?
“Put down your weapon, now!” Another one of the guards yelled. I think they’re starting to get nervous, especially the big one.
“When I say go,” Death said in my mind, “run like Hell to the window; we’re gonna jump outta here.”
‘I’d question whether that’s safe or not,’ I replied, ‘but I’m a skeleton and you’re, well, Death, so I imagine we’ll be fine.’
“Exactly. Now; three....”
The horses stepped closer, save for the tall one, while one of them said, “This is your last warning; drop your weapon, or we will use force!”
“Two....”
Their spears were probably a good foot from us, and the guard continued, “We don’t want to have to do this!”
“One!” Death suddenly shouted, this time out loud. The guards stumbled back a bit in surprise, and we took that as an opportunity.
In probably a three second sprint we were at the window, and with Death’s scythe held forward to break it just before we got there, we were out into the open air in no time, the guards screaming something behind us.
“Well, that wasn’t so baaaa-hahaha-why didn’t you tell me we were so high offa tha fuckin’ ground, Death!?” I had taken that moment to look down, and see how big of a drop we had, and hoo-boy do I wish I hadn’t.
“Like you said,” she shouted over the wind, “you’re a skeleton and I’m Death, even if it were a higher fall we’d be fine!”
“Yeah, okay, and how big of a fall is this!?”
She somehow managed to shrug, “I don’t know, we’ve been falling for a good ten seconds or so, I’d say another forty or fifty and we impact!”
“Well that’s just great!”
While we were still up in the air, I took a chance to look over the city. It seemed the museum was built up on a mountain, which I deduced from both the height, and the fact that the city was practically surrounded by mountains.
There were a lot of low buildings, maybe three stories high at the most, all of which looked like they were made out of a grayish-brown stone with tall, tiled roofs. It was pretty quaint, actually, with little smoke trails coming out of chimneys here and there, and little crowds of people moving through what looked like a marketplace that took up several streets. Kind of like a castle you’d see in a fantasy movie or something.
Oh, hey, is that the groun-
-d. What.
“Michael! Michael, come on man, wake up already!” S’that Death shouting at me?
I heard a loud smack, and Death shouted again, “Wake up!”
Immediately I pulled myself up, almost screaming, “Ah- who- what- when- where- why- how!?”
Death responded right away with, “Death, I’m waking you up, it’s about noon, the backstreets of Merethall, because you fell unconscious, and by putting your bones back together and smacking you.”
I... am not used to someone being that prepared to answer.
“Alright so...” I shook my head, which retrospectively was more out of habit than trying to clear my thoughts, “where exactly is... Mee-er-thell?”
“Southern border of Nollmus, which is this world’s human nation,” as she spoke, I saw her picking up her pouches and throwing them over her shoulders, “and the location of the museum we “escaped” from.”
“Ah, right...” I said, still a bit dazed after regaining consciousness, “so I take it this is a human city, then?”
“Right,” she frowned, “which is why I have no idea why the ruler of Equestria was here. I mean, she hated the guy who’s body you have, so just coming to see the exhibit seems a bit weird, especially when Nollmus is a good distance away.”
“Hm... I’m goin’ ta guess it’d be in our best interest ta stay away from’er?” I asked.
She nodded in response, “I’d say so. While you were out, I saw a veritable battalion of her guards searching the city, saying things like “skeleton” and child with a scythe”, so I’m willing to bet they’re after us.”
“Right....” I sighed, “Well, not even ten minutes after I got here, and I’m a criminal.” I paused, wondering how long I was even out for, seeing as I didn’t know the time of day when I arrived, so I asked, “How long was even out fer?”
“About half an hour,” she said, adjusting one of the straps on a pouch, “speaking of which...” she reached into a one of the smaller pouches and pulled out a small, oval object, which she tossed to me, “take a look at yourself. I got ya dressed and everything while I put your bones back together.”
I turned the object over in my hands and, seeing that it was a mirror, took a good look at my new face. Jesus. Christ. That’s pretty badass.
My face was a pretty standard humanesque skull, though I did have a nice set of fangs, kinda like a chimpanzee. My eyes sockets were, of course, empty of any eyes, though I had some pretty sweet looking floating dots of blue... energy stuff. I could see them moving as I looked over my face, so I can safely assume they’re my replacement for eyes.
Now as for my clothes... that’s where the real badassery starts. For one I had a red bandana on my head, covered by a large, blue tricorn hat with a massive red feather sticking out the top and... is that hair?
“Oy Death,” i asked as I grabbed ahold of one of the braided locks, “how do I have hair when I’m a skeleton? And more importantly, why does it look like Captain Jack sparrow’s hair?”
She shrugged, “Eh, I thought it’d complete the look.”
“Well... it does, so I’ll give ye that....”
Knowing that strange fact, I moved down to the rest of my body, to see what else I was decked out in. Hm, a white swashbuckler's shirt, a blue linen jacket over that, pretty standard for a stereotypical pirate- ooh! A blue frock coat with gold shoulder tassels! Wouldn’t be a pirate without that, now would I?
Alright, as for waist down it’s looking like a bit of large, brown leather belt action with a silver buckle, holding up some rather baggy, black linen pants, which are tucked into the tops of... oh what are they called? Bucket-top boots- I think is the name for them -the kind that go up your shins and fold down at the top.
All in all, pretty fuckin’ cool! I look just like your average perception of what a pirate captain looks like, and that’s a-okay in my book, cause I will certainly sacrifice accuracy for coolness in this regard. Oh, wait, we’re on another world, maybe this is how all pirates looked, without the least sense of irony?
“Hey Death,” I decided to ask, “did all pirates dress this... stereotypically?”
“Hm?” She looked up from one of her pouches, then realized that I had asked her something, “Oh, yeah, actually, they did. It’s a bit weird, but it is a different world after all, so what you view as stereotypical for a pirate, is actually the accepted norm here.”
“Huh, well alright then.” I took a minute to look over myself a bit more, noticing how aged and worn the clothes looked, as well as the slight tears here and there.
‘She did say this belonged to the guy,’ I thought to myself, ‘and he was apparently alive sixteen hundred years ago, so the fact this stuff’s even still around is a blessing, I guess.’
After admiring myself, I handed the mirror back to death, and she stored it back in her pouch.
“So,” I asked, “anything else we need to do before we head out on this... whatever adventure it is we’re doing?”
“Yeah, actually, gimme a sec....” She opened the larges pouch and rummaged through it for a second, then pulled out a black metal and gold, basket-hilted sword, still in its scabbard, and a similarly made pistol in a leather holster.
“Here,” she said, handing them to me, “put these on your belt and don’t lose them. The sword was his,” she gestured my body, “and the pistol’s mine; consider them a gift, from me.”
With a bit of surprise I took the two weapons and, using small loops on their respective containers, strapped them to my belt, the sword on my left and the pistol on my right.
“This is... pretty cool and all,” I said to her, “but why give them to me? I imagine the sword’s not as bad, but a pistol that belongs to ye?”
As she usually seems to do, she shrugged, “I figured you’d need some protection of your own, and a sword won’t be the best all of the time.” She smiled heartily, patting me lightly on the shoulder with the shaft of her scythe, “ I hardly ever even use that pistol anymore, and it’s got a few tricks that’ll get you out of a tight spot pretty easily.”
“Oh, well... thanks!” That’s pretty cool of her to do; guess we really are friends, like she said before.
“Now!” She exclaimed, heading down the long alley we were currently in, “Let’s head out and try to find a place to hide until night time, so we can get by the guards unseen. Then, tomorrow, we start our much-anticipated adventure!”
Wow, she seems really pumped up about this whole thing.... Heh, can’t really say I’m not, either.
“Onwards, Death, to adventure!” I fell in step behind her with an imaginary grin on my face, and I pointed forward over her head.
Oh yeah, I can tell this is the start to an amazing journey.
