Pony by Day, Mercenary by Night

Last time on Pony by Day, Mercenary by Night

Misha: Ghost, I think I’m pregnant, AND YOU’RE THE FATHER!

Ghost: …

Chapter Nine

Kad had made his way back to the camp site; his mad charge toward the manticore had left a prominent trail in the forest, so his return took a few minutes at most with a full-on sprint.  He came back to see Scorch throwing the ‘alien blunt’ into the campfire.

“HAH, TAKE THAT MOTHERFUCKER!” Scorch yelled.

The blunt immediately combusted and engulfed the campsite in a sparkling light blue haze.  The members of Zeta squad coughed and hacked as they tried to put on their helmets, but to no avail as they all proceeded to fall unconscious.

Three hours later

Misha lied unaware of what was going on around him, peacefully dreaming in his drunken stupor.  He was the first to awaken.  He winced as he slowly opened his eyes to the barrage of sunlight that assaulted them.  He raised his hand to shield his eyes, only to see a royal purple hoof in its place.

“What in hell did I do last night?”  he asked himself.  “Did I let bomb idiot talk me into hitting on Farshot again?”

His response was a groan coming from a midnight blue pegasus.  ‘Is this one of the ponies boss was talking about?  Well, we shall see if I get free booze for a week now!’

Farshot awoke with a jump; he rubbed his head as he tried to get his bearings.  ‘This feels weird,’ he thought to himself. ‘Am I rubbing myself with my fist?’  He turned his head only to be met with the sight of a midnight blue hoof. “SHIT!” he screamed.  Misha winced at the volume, he was starting to regret drinking so much as he looked at the bottles of absinthe scattered around him, but then he remembered how fun being drunk was and settled for simply bitching at the blue pony to keep quiet.

“Hey, blue pony!” Misha slurred. “Keep volume down!  My hangover is bad enough already!” he yelled, wincing as he finished.

“Shit, Misha? Is that you?”  Farshot asked.

“Farshot?”

“What the fuck happened?  I bet Scorch did this!  When I get my hands on that bastard I’m gonna-“

“FARSHOT.” Misha raised his voice to a louder volume, just below what would cause him another headache.

“And then I’m gonna pull his dick out his ass!  And then-“

“FARSHOT!”  Misha yelled, wincing at his own volume again.

“WHAT!?” Farshot yelled back, causing Misha to wince yet again at the headache that was forming.

“Bomb idiot is over there,” Misha began, pointing a hoof towards a forest green pony.  “Another question, how would you pull dick out ass?  Is it not physically impossible?”

“Rex showed me how; it’s actually not that hard.  First you gotta-”

“Farshot, shut the hell up, I do not need nasty mental images, my head hurts enough as it is.”

“Alright, whatever bitch, Imma go wake Scorch up now.”  Farshot then proceeded to trot up to Scorch and lightly slap his cheek until he woke up.

“Hmm, whuzza?  Five more minutes boss, please don’t shoot me,”  Scorch mumbled in his sleep.

“WAKE UP ASSHOLE!”  Farshot yelled.

“I’M UP! I’M UP! “

“Welcome back to the land of the living Scorch, not sure how much longer you’ll be staying with us though.”

“Shit, WHAT THE HELL?  Farshot?  Is that you?  What the hell happened?”

“You decided it was a good idea to throw your little blunt into the campfire and we all got turned into ponies, I’m gonna biomorph back to human form right after I-“

“Hold up, so that blunt turned us into ponies?  That’s fucking awesome!”

“Yeah, and you’re gonna be a pony with his dick pulled out his ass.”

“How the hell would you even do that?”

“Well it’s actually pretty simple.  Y’see first you’ve gotta-“

“Jesus!  Farshot!  Can you just kick shit out of him already?” Misha yelled

“Works for me.”  Farshot smiled.

Stomp em in Da Nuts

With this, he punched Scorch across the face with his hoof.  A crack could be heard as his jaw broke.  Scorch spat out some blood and a tooth.  Farshot then stomped on Scorch’s forelegs, breaking them.  Scorch hissed in pain, all four of his limbs were now broken and he was completely immobile.  The most he could do to get away was slowly crawl, but even that turned out to be futile as Farshot stomped on Scorch’s back, stopping him from moving.  He then proceeded to strike Scorch all over his body.

“Is that all you’ve got?” Scorch wheezed, coughing up some blood as his ribs were broken.

“Oh, you’ve just dug your own grave now.” Farshot whispered, a manic grin splaying across his face.

One excruciatingly painful beating later

“My blood!  Oh god it’s everywhere!” Scorch cried.

“Not done with you yet, faggot!” responded Farshot.

“OH GOD!  NOT THE BEES!”

Misha simply curled up and tried to cover his ears as Scorch got the shit kicked out of him, vainly trying to block out his screams and mitigate his headache.

One hour of beatings later

Kad awoke and slowly opened his eyes, gently allowing light to enter them.  He was greeted by the sounds of bones breaking, Farshot laughing, and Scorch screaming.

‘Sounds like Farshot is kicking Scorch’s ass again,’ He thought to himself.  ‘Well, let’s see the damage.’ He moved what he believed to be his arm was greeted by a yellow hoof.  He was startled to say the least, but did not jump.  ‘A hoof, I’ll bet this was from that shit Scorch threw into the fire.’  He raised his eyes to the sight or a navy blue pegasus pulling something out of a forest green earth pony’s rectum. ‘So if my guess is correct, the navy blue one is Farshot, and the green one is Scorch.’  He then shifted his view a bit to the side and he saw a purple ball of fur.  “As usual, the one in a fetal position is Misha.  Oh god, what the hell is he pulling out of there anyway?’

“My dick!  WAAAAAGHHH!!!”

The color drained from Kad’s rather vibrant yellow face as he heard those words.  ‘Oh god, how’s that even possible?’

‘Well, looks like I was right about Farshot beating Scorch.  What was protocol for this kind of situation again?  Oh yeah, Article seven, section thirteen footnote B, presiding squad leader or commanding officer must break up any infighting between squad members.  Since I’m in charge I guess it’s my job to break this shit up.’ He sighed.

He attempted to get up, but found that he was being prevented from moving by a gray foreleg.  He turned around to face the owner, only to find it belonged to a unicorn that had cuddled up to him and was at present nuzzling his chest.  Oh god, wait, if the blue one is Farshot, the green one is Scorch, and the purple one is Misha, then…Crap, I was spooning with Fixer.’  Fixer let out a soft sigh and nuzzled a bit harder into Kad’s chest, his horn gently ticking Kad’s throat.  ‘Damn, looks like I’ve gotta do this carefully, don’t need a tracheotomy or anything.’

He slowly began moving but was stopped as Fixer nuzzled him again.  ‘Jesus!  What the hell happened last night?  Well, whatever, time to get back to work.’  With this, he slowly removed himself from Fixer’s grasp and slowly made his way to a nearby fallen branch.  ‘Alright, how the hell am I supposed to grab this thing with hooves?’  After contemplating his dilemma for a good five minutes, he finally decided to grab the branch with his teeth.  ‘God this is disgusting,’ he thought.  He slowly made his way behind Farshot and-

“Asshole!  LITERALLY!  HAHA!” Farshot yelled to a beaten Scorch.  *Thud

“GODDAMNIT!”  he yelled as he fell to the ground clutching his head in his hooves.  “Shit, man!  What was that? A branch or something?”

“Actually, yes.”

“WHY DID YOU DO THAT?”

“You were killing Scorch.”

“LOOK AT WHAT HE DID!’

“Biomorphing back doesn’t take more than two minutes.”

“Good point.  Yo, Scorch, sorry for beating the crap out of you and pulling your dick out your ass, we cool?”

*no response*

“Yo Scorch, you alright?!” Farshot asked, slightly panicking now.

“SCORCH!  Wake the hell up man!”  Farshot was in a full blown panic by this point and his heart rate had skyrocketed.  As he tried to prod Scorch into waking he found that his eyesight had become filled with the message “Biomorph Engaging” in green-block print.

‘What the hell?’  He thought ‘If my armor’s actin’ up it’s usually a bad thing.  It’s probably related to the alien blunt, but how the hell did a flower fuck up my armor systems?’  Farshot was now back to his human form, thoroughly befuddled by the recent turn of events.  “Yo Fixer, my armor’s actin’ up,” he said. “Fix?”  He turned his head to see a gray unicorn sleeping on the floor, now nuzzling a log.

With a groan Scorch opened his eyes.  “What the hell happened?”  he asked.  He then remembered everything that had happened.  Fixer and Farshot breaking his legs under Kad’s orders, which was fine by him because they were just following orders and he’d had both of his legs broken plenty of times before.  He tried to move but a searing pain in his chest forced him back down as he coughed up a splotch of blood.  Then he remembered the vicious beating he had received from Farshot.  ‘Jesus, that guy is a fucking animal,’ he thought to himself.  He tried to call for help, but all that escaped from his throat was a raspy gurgle.

“Scorch?!”  came the sound of a desperate and pleasantly surprised voice.  “OH THANK GOD!”  the voice said as Scorch found himself being picked up and hugged.  Scorch coughed up more blood as he was brought into a bone crushing hug, not that there were any uncrushed bones in his body.

“Farshot, put Scorch down before you cause anymore damage.”

“Oh, sorry Scorch.”  Farshot sounded desperate.  “Look man, I’m sorry I did this to you, I was just so mad.  I think its cuz we were stranded here.  Then Ghost’s outburst didn’t really help either.  On top of that, when you threw the blunt into the fire and we all passed out, I think I just lost it when I saw that we had all been turned into ponies.  So again man, I’m really sorry about doing that to you, I don’t know what I’d do if I found that I’d actually HURT you, y’know, cuz we’re bros, all of us.  But you me’n Fixer, we go WAAAY back.”

“Yeah, I remember all that shit we did in Vegas before we got drafted,”  Scorch said as he chuckled, failing to do so and coughing up blood instead of chuckling.  “Side’s you did WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY worse that time I hit on your sister”

“Shit, we’ve gotta get you patched up man,” Farshot said. “And yeah, if you hit on my sister again, I swear to god, I will cut off your dick and feed it to you.”

“No shit?”  Scorch said in a surprised tone “The thought never occurred to me.  Oh, but just so you know bro, you kinda crossed the line, so I’m still gonna get you back for this right?”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”  Farshot said, sadly smiling.  “Hold up, I gotta tell boss about this, we’re gonna need Rex here ASAP, I REALLY fucked you up.”

“Dude, what happened?  I can’t see shit and I don’t remember getting hit in my eyes or on the back of my head?  Oh, and my dick feels as though it’s in searing pain and I feel as though something got shoved up my ass.”

“I’ll answer those one at a time.  One, your eyes are covered by blood, they’ve scabbed over. Two and three, I’m gonna need you to promise not to freak out over this.”

“Alright, I promise,”  Scorch nervously said.

“I pulled your dick out your ass.”

“WHAT THE FUCK?”

“Don’t worry!  Rex showed me how to fix it; he also showed me how to do it.  Relax; you’ll still be able to have kids.  So just try to keep screaming down to a minimum while I fix it.”

“Okay,” Scorch whimpered.

A loud scream filled the air of the forest and a flock of birds could be seen taking flight as their ears were assaulted by a disturbance the loudness of which had never been heard before.

One excruciatingly painful penile operation later

Tears were seeping out of Scorch’s eye-scabs as the ‘operation’ was finished.  Farshot brought up the communications array in his helmet’s HUD.

“Err, boss?”  he asked.

“What is it?  I was just going to sleep,” came Sev’s reply.

“Can you send Rex to our current location?  I REALLY fucked up Scorch in a fight.” Farshot replied as he sent his current location relative to Sev’s via their squad communications array.

“Is he still alive?”

“Yeah.”

“Any permanent damage?”

“No idea, that’s why I’m really worried.”

“You?  Worried?  Damn, Now I’M concerned.  If you’re worried, then he must be really fucked up.”

“So boss, can you?”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

Canterlot Castle

Sev had found Rex trotting back to his room, he hailed the orange doctor.

“Rex,” Sev called “We’ve got a problem.  Scorch and Farshot got into a fight and Scorch got really fucked up.  They aren’t situated too far from that town that I’m going to be headed to tomorrow.  I want you to come with me tomorrow, and find a way to get to them.  Don’t worry about getting there; I’ll see if I can get Celestia to allow you to tag along. In the meanwhile, contact Farshot or anyone else on the squad, and give then instructions on how to stabilize Socrch

“Alright boss.”

With this, Sev left to find Celestia.

End Chapter

Okay, so I know that not much happened in this chapter, aside from a rather painful beating, but on the bright side, PONYVILLE NEXT CHAPTER!