Pony by Day, Mercenary by Night

Last time on Pony by Day, Mercenary by Night

Farshot:  Good to see you MR. Scorch.  Welcome to the late night airing of the Boring Economic Talk Show or BET for short.

Scorch: A pleasure to be here Farshot

Farshot:  We’ve got quite a few questions for you tonight.  To kick us off, let’s start with an easy one. How would you maximize productivity in a small business?

Scorch: Well, to answer that question, let’s define productivity first.  It is accurate to say the least to identify the factors of production and productivity as experience, energy, and materials. For, as we have seen, all processes of production involve the direction of energy by some structure toward the selection, transportation, and transformation of materials into the product.

Farshot: Thus, simply put we can deduce that-

Fixer: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Chapter Ten

“Rex, contact Farshot via the communications system.  Scorch is in what I’m assuming to be a critical condition.  Figure out what’s wrong with him and then tell Kad and Farshot what to do.”  Sev ordered

“Just Kad and Farshot sir?”

“Oh yeah, Ghost too.”

“Aren’t you forgetting some one?”

“Misha’s probably hung-over, and Fixer’s status is unknown, if he can provide assistance, then have him help.”

“Alright sir.”

“I’m going to my room now, if you need me, give me a call.”  With this, Sev left Rex’s room and made his way towards his own room.  Upon entering his room, he made his way to the balcony and gazed up to the moonlit sky.

“Well, it’s better here than it was back home.  I can actually see the stars here.  Light pollution probably didn’t help much either.”  He said.  He noticed many of the constellations he had studied back at the academy like Sagittarius, the big and little dipper , and many unfamiliar ones as well. ‘That’s strange” he thought ‘Why is it that they have nearly identical constellations here?’

“Enjoying the night?” He was interrupted by a dark blue alicorn who had just landed beside him.

‘Shit, how’d she sneak up on me?’ Sev thought.  “Yes Princess, it’s beautiful.  Ominous, yet welcoming, cold, yet protective, not as lively as the day, yet still, it has a certain unique feel to it.”

“Yes, that was what we were going for when we made it.”

“We your highness?”

“Oh, sorry, I still have a habit of sometimes slipping back into the royal oldespeak.”  The dark blue alicorn turned her face away to hide her embarrassment as she said this.  Sev however, saw this as an opportunity to win favor among the royalty.

“Your highness, if you would like, I would be more than willing to help you overcome your problem.” Sev smirked

“Really? Thou would help us regardless of our first meeting?”

“I would be honored your highness.”

“We actually came here to reconcile with thou. It appears we got off on the wrong hoof.”

“Well Princess it’s alright, anyways, I’m going to Ponyville tomorrow, so we can begin your lessons when I get back.  Oh, but Princess?  I do have a favor to ask you, my brother Blue Cross has to go to Ponyville tomorrow, but unfortunately he has work here, do you think you could perhaps convince your sister to allow him to join us?”

“We shall do what we can, and we expect thou to stick to thine promise.”

“I wouldn’t dream of doing otherwise Princess” Sev grinned “But if I may ask, why the sudden urge to reconciliate with me? I am but a humble bodyguard; you are the Princess of the night.”

“We had a talk with thine brother; we decided that we were probably a bit too hostile or cold in our greeting.  And frankly thou actually listed all the traits that we were aiming for in our night.   Thou sounded like thou truly appreciate it.”

“It’s hard not to appreciate something so beautiful Princess.” The sides of Sev’s mouth slowly moved up as he said this, it was subtle but not unnoticeable, which is what Luna did.

Meanwhile- Rex

Rex was safely nestled in his room.  He biomorphed back to his human form and brought up his communications array.

“Alright Farshot send me a video feed” Rex began.  “Eh, you’ve done worse.” Rex said as an unimpressed look graced his face, the brutality that was the unconious form of Scorch filled the feed. “Like remember that time he hit on your sister?  I’ll admit, that was probably one of the most gruesome things I’ve seen, and I’ve seen quite a bit.”  Rex smiled. “But in all seriousness, what did you do to him?”

“Well I pulled his-“

“On second thought never mind, let’s just stabilize Scorch first”

“Alright, ready when you are.”

“Do you have a medkit handy?  I left all my equipment back at base, didn’t realize we’d end up staying in a castle.”

“Wait, what the fuck?  How the hell are you guys in a castle?”

“Boss is boss, remember?”

“Right, I should be used to this kind of shit by now. Oh, yeah, here!  Found a medkit.  Alright, what the hell do I do now?”

“Look inside for a syringe and a vial that contains morphoserotondopeanin.”

“Galactic Basic please?”  Farshot deadpanned

“Take a needle and stick it into the green bottle.”

“Dammit!  I asked for Galactic Basic, not all this doctor mumbo jumbo shit!”

Rex facepalmed “You can’t be serious”

“Oh. No lol, I’m just-”

“Then shut the hell up and get back to work!  Your teammates’ life is on the line goddammit!”  Rex yelled

Farshot, recognizing Rex’s demeanor as the one he usually took on the battlefield serious’d the fuck up and opened the case, to his dismay; he found that the majority of the fluid containing vials were green, and they weren’t labeled either, oh and they were on fire too, just for good measure.  He raised his eyebrows at this, his only response to the sheer incredulousness of the situation being “What the fuck?”

“Err Rex?”  He began. “There seems to be a bit of a problem; most of the vials are green.  They don’t have labels.  Oh, and they’re on fire too.”

Rex facepalmed.  “Right… of course lady luck decides to shit on me again, alright; the medkit you picked was the one I got on sale, from Space WalMart.  Yeah, Space WalMart seems to emphasize quantity and price over quality, so you’re going to have to work based on color here.  The vial is green.  Oh, and the fire?  It’s space fire, it’s comepletely harmless.”

“THEY”RE ALL GREEN! And that doesn’t make any sense!  How is space fire different from regular fire?”  Farshot yelled

Rex facepalmed, “Alright, look, show me the vials, I’ll point to the right one. And in Boss’ words ‘BITCH IT’S SPACE!  EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT!”

With this, Farshot averted his camera’s vision to the medkit.  “Alright” Rex began, it’s that one” he said, pointing at a vial.

“This one?”  Farshot questioned , picking up a different vial.

“No, that one!”  Rex said, his voice only slightly increasing in volume.  Farshot responded to this by grabbing yet another incorrect vial.

“This one.”  He deadpanned.  “No! No! The one I’m pointing at!” Rex raised his voice.

“You’re gonna have to help me out here.”

Rex sighed, “Move your hand.” Farshot moved his hand to the right.  “You’re getting warmer.” With this Farshot moved his hand to the left.  “NO! Now you’re getting farther!”  With this Farshot moved his hand to the rightmost syringe in the medkit.

“YOU’RE ON FIRE!” Rex yelled.

“OH GOD IT BURNS!” Farshot yelled, his sealed, armored hand on the space flaming syringe.

“Alright, so now just administer 50 microliters of that drug to Scorch.”  Farshot was still screaming in agony. “You know, space fire is completely harmless right?” Rex deadpanned.

“Oh shit! Seriously?”  Farshot asked, a genuinely surprised look on his face

Rex facepalmed.  “Farshot, are you feeling alright?  You’re sounding a lot like Scorch right now.  You didn’t by any chance hit your head when we crashed the ship did you?”

“You know what?  I’m not really sure myself.  I might have gotten contaminated by his stupidity while I was beating it out of him.”

“No, I mean this is basic first aid, this is the shit they taught everyone at the academy, last I remembered, Scorch was the only one of us who was stupid enough to sleep through that course.  You sure you’re alright?”

"Yeah, I’m fine, now come one asshole!  Our teammate’s life is on the line here!”

One very important administration of first aid later

Farshot slid down next to a tree out of exhaustion.  He was grateful for Rex’s advice; Scorch was now stabilized and was no longer coughing up blood with every breath.  The bandages covering his chest were soaked in red and Kad, seeing Farshot in his exhausted state, decided to help Scorch in his place.  Kad moved next to Scorch and began changing his bandages.  As he began applying a new set of bandages, Scorch awoke. He opened his mouth to speak but all that came out was a dry cough, muffled by the bandages wrapped around his head.  Kad took this as a sign of thirst, so he left to get Scorch some water from their stores.

“I’ll be right back Scorch, just going to get you some water.”

“MMMPH?”  Came the muffled response from the bandaged pony.

With Kad gone, Misha decided to speak with Scorch, the shock of being turned into a pony made him realize he needed a drink, well, more than a drink mind you, but an alcoholic one nonetheless.

“You know Shcorch, thish could have been avoided if you’d jusht listened to Shniper asshhole.” He slurred

“HUDDU DAH!”  Scorch retorted

“The fuck you shay?”

“MRRRRPH!  MUHMHRPH!”

“I’ll punch you in the fucking temple you pieshe of-“  Misha was interrupted by himself, fainting from alcohol poinoning.

“Hey Scorch! I’m back!” Kad yelled.  He came to Scorch with a canteen.  He unwrapped Scorch’s head and winced at the face that greeted him. “Jesus, Farshot really fucked you up.  He’s lucky PETA isn’t here or some shit, they’d probably crawl up his ass and petition against him for animal cruelty.”

“Can I get that water now?”  Scorch rasped.  With that, Kad slowly raised Scorch’s head to the tip of the canteen and slowly tipped the canteen as to allow a steady trickle of water down Scorch’s parched throat.  Scorch guzzled as much of the water as he could before choking.  Kad took this as a sign to stop.  “How’re you feeling?”  He asked.

“Like I just got the shit kicked out of me by an angry horse.”

“Right.  Well, anyway, it’s Ghost’s turn to watch you now, if you need me I’ll be sleeping by the campfire.”  With this, the yellow stallion walked away and was replaced by a pale white one.  Ghost raised an eyebrow.

“…” He began

“Look, Ghost, can we please not do this?  I just got the shit kicked out of me by Farshot, I got lectured by Kad, scolded by Rex and almost got attacked by Misha,, I’d really rather not do this right now.”

“…?”  Ghost said, genuinely surprised by how serious Scorch had become.  “…”  He continued.  “…?...!”

“Of course I’m not gonna be laughing this shit off!  I was acting retarded!  I threw some weird shit into the campfire because I wanted to get baked, and then I got the shit kicked out of me by my teammate!  On top of all that, our armor doesn’t work anymore!  How the hell do you expect me to laugh this off!  What if that shit was poisonous?  We’d all be dead!  That’s what!  On top of all that we’re on some uncharted planet inhabited by talking horses!  How the hell am I supposed to laugh this off?”  Scorch finished his rant by punctuating the end with several pants.  Small hissing noises emanated from his chest whenever he inhaled.  Ghost, remembering Rex’s instruction on healing Scorch , realized that this meant that Scorch’s lungs had been ruptured again for exertion.  Ghost quickly moved to a nearby medkit and applied an injection to Scorch.  Scorch immediately calmed down as the injection not only sedated him, but began healing him as well.  His vision slowly faded to black as he felt the familiar burning sensation in his chest of the injection healing him.

Eight hours later, Canterlot

Sev woke up and quickly began his morning rituals, he got out of bed, set the sheets, and went to the bathroom.  There he began brushing his teeth.

“Seriously, how the fuck am I holding the brush with hooves?  This shit is physically impossible!”  He was reminded of another bodily function as he looked to his left, only to see a porcelain throne.  It beaconed him, calling to him like a siren would call to a sailor.  The pain that had built in his abdomen reminded him that he had not used a toilet in about 20 hours.  Just as he was about to relieve him self, he was struck with another confusing thought.  ‘How the fuck am I supposed to do this?’ he asked himself,  he tried standing on his hind legs, but quickly met the ground as the lack of support from his forelegs caused him to topple.  ‘Maybe if I sit on it?’  He asked himself, he found that this method of relieving himself was effective and groaned with pleasure as his bladder emptied itself into the toilet.  As he finished relieving himself he heard a knocking at his door.

“Mister Blackstar?” Came a voice from behind his door.

“In a minute!”  Sev replied.  He quickly got off the porcelain throne, flushed, and moved to the sink to wash his hooves.  ‘Seriously!  How the hell am I turning the knob with these things?’  he asked himself.  He dried his hooves and moved to the door.  There, he was greeted by Proper Etiquette.

“Mister Blacktar I presume?” The well mannered stallion began.

“Correct, may I have the pleasure of knowing who I’m being addressed by?” Sev replied as he mimicked the butler pony’s mannerisms.

“I am Proper Etiquette, I was sent here by the Princess to inform you that you are expected at the Royal carriage in one hour.”

“I’ll be there.”  Sev said as he returned to his regular mannerism.  “I’m never late.”

One hour later, royal carriage

Sev met the solar princess at the royal carriage.

“Good morning.” She greeted him “I trust the accommodations were to your liking?” She asked.

“They most certainly were, I haven’t slept  like that in weeks.” He smiled. “So are we ready for liftoff then?”

“Actually, there will be one more pony coming with us.”

“Oh, and who might that be Princess?” Sev  was smiling inside, he realized that Princess Luna had kept up her end of the bargain. ‘Well, it looks like I’m going to be giving proper speech lessons to a Princess’ he thought.

“You brother, Blue Cross will be joining us, I’m not sure why, Luna said it was something about-“

“Good morning Princess, good morning Blackstar!”  Rex exclaimed as he interrupted the white alicorn.  A grin plastered on his face because of the shher incredulousness of the situation.  ‘How the hell did he convince Luna to let me go?  I mean she’s a nice girl and all when you get to know her, but she’s a bit stubborn when you get down to it.’ He thought

“Are we ready then Princess?”  The Pegasus chariot fliers asked as Celestia, Sev and Rex boarded the carriage.

“Yes, please commence the ride.” She said

One royal carriage ride later

The royal carriage touched down at Ponyville and Sev and Rex piled out, they were followed by Celestia.  They were greeted by a large crowd of ponies who came to greet Celestia.  Through the crowd emerged a purple unicorn who immediately ran up to the princess.

“Princess Celestia! She exclaimed!”

End Chapter-Author's note

If the chapter seems crappier than normal its because it didn't go through pre reading, which is because I'm over seas now and internet access is sporadic at best.  Sorry for the long wait.  Next chapter won't be out for a while.