Look At Him. Just Look at Him.
My name’s Shining Armor. I’m the captain of the royal guard, the prince of the Crystal Empire, and the husband of a gorgeous alicorn princess, Mi Amore Cadenza. I’ve truly got it made.
But more importantly than all of this, I am Twilight Sparkle’s brother. I’m her big brother best friend forever. When we were younger, we used to do everything together. (Except take shits together, because that would be gross.)
I’m still really close to her, you know. She probably talks about me all the time to her friends, I’ll bet, and not just when I’m doing something important like getting married.
As you may or may not know, it is a brother’s sworn duty to approve or disapprove of any and all stallions that his sister may date, to prevent her from dating an undesirable stallion. Or mare, if she’s into that kinda thing. Which I wouldn’t mind, because lesbians are hot.
I pride myself in being a tolerant pony.
This big brother duty is binding and written out in law. Yeah, actually. It says so right in the Big Brother Code, Page 97, Paragraph 14, Subsection B. What? No, I didn’t make it up! I have it right here, in fact. Let me read it for you.
“A big brother shall not allow his little sister to date a douchebag, faggot, pussy, ne’erdowell, or any other sort of riff raff, notwithstanding the disability clause in the preceding paragraph.”
I tend to take a conservative approach when applying this. I actually haven’t let my little sister date anypony ever. Sure, she’s twenty-two years old and still a virgin. But so? At least I haven’t let any potential douchebags date her. She could go another fifty years without dating for all I care, just as long as it prevents her from dating anypony that I don’t 100% approve of in every way.
Just don’t tell her that I’m doing this, okay? It’s kind of a secret. I mean, if she knew that I was secretly going behind her back to shake down guys to stop them from asking her out, it would break her heart. She doesn’t realize that I’m only doing it because I love her, but maybe one day she’ll understand all the trash I’m protecting her from.
Like there was this one guy, named Ironstallion. He was buff, was quarterback of the hoofball team, drove a sports car, had a nuclear family with both a mother and father, had lots of money, got straight A’s, worked at the soup kitchen every weekend, had been accepted to Hoofvard University, and was a unicorn. But, I had to turn him down because, while vetting him, I found that he had the song “MMMBop” by Hanson on his MP3 player. I can’t stand boy bands; only faggots listen to them.
At that moment, I knew that this guy could be nothing but trouble.
So, I confronted him and told him that if he ever even thought about seeing my sister again, the royal guard would have to catch him in the act of committing a felony and haul his flank off to prison. I told him it would be easy, and actually every pony commits on average three felonies a day without knowing it, because there's so many laws that you can't possibly follow them all. Did you know that? Well, you do now. Being the captain of the royal guard has its perks. But the rest of you? Watch your ass.
But anyway, this stallion knew what was good for him and he backed the fuck off.
Or how about this other guy, Flash Sentry? Yeah, Twilight told me all about him after she came back from the human world. She was ecstatic, and told me that she met this cute guy, and that they had danced at the high school prom. That she wanted to meet him in the pony world to see if he was just as nice here as he was there.
So, naturally, I sprung into action. I tracked him down and followed his every move for the next three days. It would have been creepy stalker behavior, and probably illegal, but I was doing it out of love, so it's cool.
I didn’t like what I saw. What didn’t I like, you ask? Oh, Celestia, where the fuck do I even start with this guy?
I mean, just look at him. Sitting there, drinking his latte. What a preppy douche. And look at that bumper sticker on his car. He’s like trying to save the planet or some gay shit like that. He’s a college dropout; that’s why he joined the guard. Oh, and he’s twenty-two goddamn years old and still lives with his parents. And look how the fuck he dresses. This guy dresses like he’s trying to be in One Direction or something. To make matters worse, he actually IS in a boy band.
Now, Flash Sentry was in the royal guard. And get this? He didn't even dye his coat white like all the rest of the pegasi! I mean, it's not required or anything, but it's a tradition among guards that he simply refused to do. We get it, you're a unique little snowflake and so fucking special, and you don't need to dye your coat like everypony else. Because you're too GOOD for tradition. What a douche.
Key word being was in the royal guard, because I don’t think that you can recover from what I did to him. Please bear in mind that he left me no other choice. I don’t like beating up ponies within an inch of their lives. But I had to. He forced me to.
So here’s what happened. When we were both off duty, I followed him home. Get this, right? He’s such a dumbass that he walks through a dark alleyway every day to get to his parent’s house. So, I cast a little teleport spell and appeared right in front of him.
“Captain Shining Armor?” he asked me. “What are you doing here?”
I said in a gruff, cool voice, “You know Twilight Sparkle?”
He smiled a goofy smile. “Yeah, I do, actually. I’ve seen her around. We grabbed coffee the other day. I think she kinda likes me. You think I should make a move?”
I used my telekinesis to pin him against the wall. “Don’t. Twili is off limits for you. As your captain and as her brother, I order you to never speak to her again, other than to tell her that you are not interested. You got that?”
Then, he got this look on his face. Not one of fear, which would have been proper, but a look of disgust.
“Uh, excuse me?” he said in that stupid preppy voice of his, “You can’t tell me who I can and can’t date. I don’t care if it’s an order or if you are her brother. She has free will and can date me if she wants to. I may not be perfect; in fact, I’m nowhere near it. But if we can make it work, who are you to stand in our way?”
God, see? This is what I’m talking about. Some self-righteous, pretentious fuckwad this guy is, huh? I’m just glad that my sister’s not dating some idealist. Fucking commie.
So, I threw him down on the ground and bucked the shit out of him with my hooves, right in the jaw.
“Aah!” he screamed. He rose a hoof to strike me back, but I was ready. Remember that force field spell I used to cover Canterlot? I can cast it to protect myself, too. I surrounded myself in a purple bubble, and he couldn’t even touch me. He banged against the forcefield repeatedly, but to no avail. Yeah, being a unicorn kicks fucking ass!
As it turns out, the force field weighs a fuckton, too. So, I knocked him on the ground, walked over and rolled right over his wing with the force field, crushing it. The doctors said that it might never heal properly, but I don’t really care.
He opened his mouth, but I closed it with my magic. “If you even think about screaming, I’ll break your other wing.”
“Please…” he said weakly.
“Now, do we have an understanding?” I asked.
He nodded his head vigorously.
“Good. You are to exit this alleyway, and if anypony asks, you were flying and you crashed into this alleyway on accident. That's how you broke your wing. You never saw me at all. Got that, bitch?”
He nodded once more.
“Good.”
I left him there, and he never spoke to my sister again, except to deny her.
A few weeks later, Twilight came to me, crying.
“Shining…”
“What is it, Twili?”
“It’s…” she sniffled. “It’s Flash Sentry. He never returns my calls. I finally met him on the street. He told me that he wasn’t interested.”
I started, “Well, so? He didn’t seem that--”
She broke down in tears. “I thought that he might be the one. After all these years... I really did.”
She bawled, screaming. I reached my hoof around to hug her.
“It’s okay, Twili,” I said. “I’m here for you. I’ll protect you no matter what.”
She flung her head over my shoulder, and her tears ran onto my coat. When she wasn’t looking, I smiled.
“Yes…” I whispered softly, both in consolation to her, and as a self-congratulation for my victory.
For her victory.
