Six days later...
You know what? This place isn't so bad. Things are working out surprisingly well for you. You've got your own food and your own place and maybe, just maybe, some friends.
If you can manage to not reference any shitty and unfunny memes, maybe you can even keep these ones.
It isn't even all that hard to adjust. It's really pretty damn convenient how similar their society is to yours.
You take a break from frowning into your baconless refridgerator to go piss.
The bathroom is frighteningly familiar. Everything is smaller because the ponies themselves are small, but you have no idea how or why they'd use human-style toilets. You decide not to think about it since you never did figure out how to apply bleach to the brain without causing death or retardation.
You unzip your nice pants - thank you, Rarity - only to be yanked into the shower, cock-a-floppin'.
Something covers your mouth and a gruff voice speaks up from behind you.
"I need you to not scream. Nothing bad is going to happen to you."
You make an affirmative "mmph." noise. The hand slides away and you turn around to find...
Batman?
Whoever it is, they're dressed like Batman. And also almost definitely a human.
Is it strange that you find the sight of another human strange?
Is it strange that you're face to face with a reasonable facsimile of Batman and you're not excited?
Is it strange that your dick is hanging out and the both of you are just sortof ignoring it?
There's a tense and awkward silence that goes on for a good thirty seconds before you can't take it anymore.
"What the fuck, Batman?"
Batman smiles and zones out.
You punch him in the shoulder and he cries out like a little girl. That explains your lack of enthusiasm. This bitch is no dark knight - he's a phoney!
"Right. Sorry, I was distracted because of LEGITIMATE REASONS. I have a mission for you. It's of critical importance."
"And why in the name of George Zimmer should I listen to you?"
He smirks. "Two very good reasons, but I suspect right now you'll only care about one. Your future depends on it."
You fake a yawn. "Pass. Future me can eat a bag of dicks. I'm looking out for PRESENT me."
"Yeah, I figured. Reason two's a lot more compelling."
You quirk an eyebrow.
"Meat."
You quirk it harder.
"All the meat you can fit in your face."
You quirk it harder than you've ever quirked it before.
"You do what I ask, and you'll be granted a generous supply of beef, pork, chicken, turkey, bacon, all the standards."
Having not had meat for at least the last six days, this causes you to salivate. Some of your drool drips down onto your crotch. You smile awkwardly and zip your pants. Batman coughs.
"What do I gotta do?"
He pulls an envelope out of his costume and hands it to you. "You need to 'sneak' this into Twilight's mailbox."
Batman makes incredibly exaggerated air quotes at the word "sneak."
"So..., just walk up and drop it in in broad daylight?"
"No! You need to pretend you're trying to be sneaky and you're just really bad at it. Anyone who sees you needs to think you're trying to hide it."
Wait... hold on, you didn't think it was possible, but you quirk it even more. You are officially quirking beyond safe levels.
"I don't get to know any more details than that, do I?"
"Nope."
You sigh, salute, and turn to walk away. As you reach the door, you turn back around, wondering how Batman got in and how he's getting out, but he's already disappeared.
You glance up and down the hall before carefully prying the envelope open and pulling out a letter and another envelope.
The writing on the letter is clear and bold.
[Nice try. If you open this one, you'll regret it.]
You shrug and toss the letter aside before strolling toward the front door. You didn't have anything else to do today, so why not get this over with?
Batman wouldn't lie, right?
You "sneak" through town, hiding (poorly) in the shadows on your way to the library. Not being a COMPLETE dipshit, you only manage to get lost twice.
You crawl out of an alley, lying low to the ground, and make your way toward the mailbox. You take every opportunity to shift your eyes back and forth as loudly as you.
Eye shifting doesn't actually make noise.
Shut up, don't care.
"Hi Anon!"
"GAH!"
You tumble backward, away from Pinkie. She has a bad habit of appearing out of nowhere and scaring the shit out of you.
"Watcha doin'?"
Partially in an effort to keep up the ruse and partially because you really are somewhat at a loss for words, you stammer and shove the envelope into your pocket.
"You don't have to hide that from me. I already know exactly what you're doing."
"I... uh... I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm not hiding anything."
"Wow! You're really good at pretending to be bad at keeping a secret!"
Wait, what?
"Don't worry, silly. I know what you're doing right now, I just don't know what you're doing after that! I know we have a lot of fun today or tomorrow, but I don't know how yet." She puts a hoof to her chin and blinks a few times. "Do you think it has anything to do with giraffes?"
"If you know what I'm doing, then why are you talking to me right now? Wouldn't it be a lot more suspicious if I was being sneaky and not chatting?"
"I dunno. But I do know I was told to come talk to you before you could finish."
Batman, what the SHIT are you up to?
"Everything'll be fine. I'm pretty sure nop0ny is watching anymore anyway. Now hurry up and put that paper in the box so we can go put the fun in our afternoon and/or evening and/or also and/or morning. I think."
Skipping the migraine you'd get from trying to follow this nonsense (See, Brain? You're being taken care of!), you nod your head and comply. Pinkie grabs you by the arm and the two of you go gallivanting off to who-knows-where.
Apparently right back to Sugarcube Corner. ALSO apparently, Pinkie lives here.
You think that her living within ten yards of several times her weight in sugar might explain a few things.
You spend the day baking all manner of ridiculous - yet tasty - crap. It isn't your ideal day, but it's a lot more fun than you would've expected.
Pinkie waves goodbye as you head out the door to go home. Insane hallucination of a homeless person dressed as Batman living in your bathroom and convincing you to do stupid things or no, today was a pretty good day.
The door clicks shut behind you and you decide to grab a snack and plop down on the couch for some TV.
You open the fridge and find yourself blinded by grorious, shining meats!
Batman IS real!
You gleefully tear into some chicken, silently thanking whatever deity is responsible for uniting you with the one true hero.
A weird morning led to a good day and an amazing night.
You are happy.
The next morning, you fall out of bed with almost no deathwish.
It's still morning, and it's still not possible to feel GOOD, but for the first time you can remember you're WALKING and not CRAWLING to the bathroom.
You toss open the front door to greet the day (No really, like a dumb piece of shit. You step out, breathe in some fresh air and shout about the day to nop0ny in particular.) and find the little flag dealy on your mailbox is up.
Curious, you take a look only to have more questions raised than answered.
In your mailbox is a single sheet of paper. The back is blank. The front has two large boxes, labeled "yes" and "no" with a check mark in the "yes" box.
You're about to quirk an eyebrow, but decide against it. Overquirking yourself like that isn't good for you.
You turn around to go back inside for some delicious braconfast and are startled to find Batman standing in front of your fridge.
"You have a new mission."
You say nothing and nod.
"You are to have lunch with Twilight Sparkle today."
"That's it?"
"It's more dangerous than it sounds, but less dangerous than not going."
"Uh-huh..."
"We all have our parts to play."
Well that isn't cryptic or ominous at all. Batman is lucky you're so into his meat, or else you wouldn't put up with this. No homo.
"Ohshitohshitohshit... uh... don't move?"
"I CAN SEE THEIR SOUNDS!"
"I'm sorry! I just... I wasn't... Why did you?"
"WHY IS IT ALWAYS BEES?"
"I'm sorry! Look, I'll go get Fluttershy. Maybe she can help!"
"ANON, THE SITUATION IS A LITTLE BEYOND HER RIGHT NOW! THEY AREN'T JUST IN MY EYES, THEY'RE -IN- MY EYES!"
"Medical attention, then? I can go fetch a nurse or a doctor or something."
"THEN GO DO IT."
You take off scrambling for the only hospital in P0nyville. If it means anything to anyone, you're REALLY sorry. You just meant to push her away because ew pony makeouts.
That reminds you. You have a few choice words to say to Batman, setting you up like that. Twilight thinks you like her! What the fuck, dude?
"What the fuck, dude?"
Huh? Oh. Batman's in your way. He seems... upset.
"Bees? Really? That's not how this is supposed to happen."
"How WHAT'S supposed to happen, you getting me and Twilight together?"
He gently slaps his forehead with his palm. "No, you dumbass. You giving off the ILLUSION of being with her. One slightly heartbroken pony is a price future you will be willing to pay. She wasn't supposed to get physically hurt!"
"Hold on, what the SHIT are you even talking about? Why... what POSSIBLE reason could I have at ANY point in time for needing somep0ny to think I cared about Twilight?"
"Classified information. Just, look, go get her some treatment for... is there even a term for what you did to her? Whatever. Fix it. I... can't exactly blame you. Pinkie should have been around to get those bees earlier. I just have no idea how it's even possible for her to have failed."
"Still lost!"
"Because you aren't ready yet. Just keep quiet, do as you're told, and enjoy the meat."
You glare at him, secretly hoping he can sense your hate. You need to find his meat supplier and cut out the middleman.
"Fine."
He smirks. "Good. Now as long as we don't all explode because of Pinkie's mistake, we can get back on track. Twilight needs treatment, and then you should be in the clear for a few days. Do what you will until I give you your next order."
You grumble, nod, and run off, ready to storm the hospital. You don't make it very far before you see Pinkie dragging an unconscious doctor by the stethoscope.
"Pinkie?"
"Oh, hi Anon! I know, I know, I messed up, but look! I brought a doctor and he can make everything all better! Please don't be mad at me?"
"Mad? Why would I be-?"
"Oops! Nevermind, then. It's not important. Just... Twilight's under control for now. Everything's fine. How about you go for a swim? It's a lovely day!"
"She has bees in her eyes!"
"Duh, why do you think I'm bringing the doctor?"
"Pinkie, I can't just walk away. It's my fault!"
She drops the doctor pony on the ground and looks at you. She seems... sad?
"No it's not."
"I'm the one who-"
"Things aren't always what they seem, okay? Almost none of what's going to happen is your fault, and that's why I have to help."
"Why can't anybody who isn't in agonizing, blinding pain speak clearly?"
"Adrenaline."
"That's not... you..."
She smiles. "Okay, so promise me you'll go do something fun? I told you I have Twilight taken care of."
Your head hurts. You thought maybe things here would be okay. You thought you'd adjust.
Then Batman shows up in your shower and everyp0ny starts talking nonsense all the time.
Maybe some fun is what you need. And besides, Twilight does seem pretty mad at you right now. You'd rather wait until she's calm to talk to her again and tell her you're just not into ponies.
Maybe leave off the part where even if you were, Twilight just doesn't do anything for you. She's such a dork it's actually kindof adorable, but there's just no spark.
3171067
And so things go for a time. You live in P0nyville and you mingle with ponies and you sometimes take secret missions from Batman.
You put off talking to Twilight about your little "date" and she avoids bringing it up. You consider the matter closed, and she doesn't seem to treat you any differently because of it.
She certainly never loses her enthusiasm for examining you and testing you.
You don't interact much with Fluttershy. She's... shy.
Rarity is nice to you and provides you with clothing and such, but you're convinced she's secretly disgusted by you.
Applejack is fine. A little boring sometimes, but never unpleasant.
Rainbow Dash is quickly becoming your favorite. She's a total bro.
Pinkie Pie... you prefer not to think about her too much. She's the only pony around who seems to have seen Batman, but she'll never actually mention him. Even when there's nothing even remotely related to those particular schemes (or IS there...?) she still manages to leave sense completely behind. She's crazy, but fun. But also crazy. And occasionally, very concerned about you and the events surrounding you for some reason.
After a few weeks, you start seeing less of Batman. He'll still pop up at inopportune times with "missions" for you (pretty much always indirectly involving a human/pony relationship, though thankfully never actually making you do the deed), but it's becoming a rarity.
The meat still finds its way into your fridge whenever you aren't looking, so you decide not to complain.
One morning, you awaken with... well, you've never felt anything like it before. You've had "bad feelings" before, but this is on a whole new level. Like you can actually detect the entire universe screeching at you that what's about to happen is NOT OKAY.
You try to ignore it, but you just can't.
You look out the window and see nothing out of place. You open the fridge to find meats aplenty. You head into the living room...
And stop when you see a small envelope sitting on the floor right by the door. Like someone slid it underneath.
You reach down to pick it up, and you shiver a little.
Against your better judgement, you open it and pull out the paper inside - apparently the most sinister piece of parchment in the history of creation.
On the front are five simple words. "You're invited to a party!"
Every fibre of your being is clinging to a future where you don't go to this party. Something vastly more ancient and infinitely more primal than simple fear has made certain you understand - to attend this party is to invite a fate considerably darker than death upon yourself and all that you have ever cherished.
Seriously, what the FUCK is up with that? Did you recently get hypnotized? Have you been poisoned? Did you eat spoiled food?
Do you... have gas, maybe?
Whatever it is, it doesn't matter. It's pretty fucking compelling, and so to the party you shan't go.
You turn around and take a step toward your kitchen, but between one footstep and the next you go tumbling into darkness and lose most of your motion. You can wriggle - but not much - as you bob up and down through the void. It smells faintly of potatoes in this empty place.
Probably because it's a potato bag you sack of ignorant shit? You're being abducted.
Wait, really? Shit. Where are they taking me?
If you knew that, you'd already know that!
Wait, yeah, -I- don't know, but what about you?
I'm not even a thing. Narrative voice pretending to be a character for the sake of comedy. You should probably stop talking to me before the gag gets old.
Oh. Okay.
Suddenly, you stop moving.
"Aw, turnip whiskers. Those are a thing I can use as an exclamation of exhasperation, right? Anyway, dang. Anon, are you okay? I totally forgot to find out if you were allergic to potatoes or not. I really hope you aren't or everything's gonna be super duper ruined!"
"Pinkie?"
"Ooh, you're still talking! That means you're probably not allergic because if you were your throat would swell shut and you wouldn't be able to breathe. And you can't talk if you can't breathe! I learned that one the hard way."
The bobbing motion of the burlap sack resumes.
"Pinkie, let me out of here! Kidnapping is RUDE!"
"Sorry, but I can't do that. A combo that big couldn't be wrong - you need to come to the party!"
At the mention of this for some reason incredibly dreaded party, you start sweating. "B-but you already gave me an invitation. Why the bag?"
"Duh. I could hear you hyperventilating and I knew you were nervous about it. And that's fair - you're still pretty new here and a lot of embarassing things could happen, but trust me. In the end, you won't regret it."
"As I've discussed pretty extensively with our mutual associate, FUCK future me! I don't care if I don't regret it later. I don't want to NOW! I really, really, REALLY don't want to..."
Holy shit, are you... crying? Yeah, you've got a terrible feeling about this, but come the fuck on. It's a goddamn PARTY. Why are you CRYING?
You sniffle some of the bitch-fluids back inside your face.
"Please. PLEASE, Pinkie. Don't make me go. I'm begging you..."
She stops again, plopping the bag roughly on the ground. You take the opportunity to scramble for the opening and manage to get halfway out before she stops you.
"Anon, there are three things in the world that are more important than anything else. Which of the three things makes a pony happiest is going to depend on what kind of pony they are, but it's always, ALWAYS one of the same three things, whether a pony realizes it or not."
She breathes a deep, calm breath.
"The three L's are the very foundations of bliss, and it would be wrong of me to do anything that pushes you away from them. And at this party, all three will be there in spades."
"The three L's?"
"I Pinkie Pie Promise you that future you will be infinity times happier if you go to this party than if you don't go. It may be a little uncomfortable now, but some day present you is going to come out of that coccoon and become future you."
You realize you've still got some tear streaks on your face and hastily wipe them away.
"Pinkie, I can't. I just..."
"There you two are!"
Batman comes running down the path.
"Pinkie, what the shit are you doing? I told you about the change in plans!"
"You had your turn. We're doing things my way now." She sticks out her tongue.
"You can't!"
"Listen mister, I think everp0ny knows that I know way more about Laughter than you ever will, and judging by how bad you are at this I'd say I know a lot more about Love, too. Do I need to go for all three?"
He growls and dives at her, one fist right out front. She steps to the side and he falls over. You know you were just referring to him as Batman because of the costume and for the sake of convenience, but JESUS CHRIST DUDE, IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE BATMAN AT LEAST LEARN TO THROW A FUCKING PUNCH!
He jumps to his feet and goes on the attack again, and Pinkie once again effortlessly bounces out of harm's way.
"We can't risk it! I barely managed to contain the aftermath of your fuckup with the bees."
"I already said I was sorry about that, and I got Twilight all fixed up, too!"
"But you know what happened AFTER, and this could be a thousand times worse!"
"My combos don't lie."
"I'm pretty sure your combos don't account for temporal fluctuations!"
You snap your head to face the false-Batman.
"What did you just say?"
"Aw, fuck... look what you made me do, Pinkie! We're going COMPLETELY off the goddamn rails now. We have no data on anything like this!"
"Excuse me, hello, guy whose fate you're arguing over here? WHAT THE FUCK?"
He facepalms. "Look, you need to quit being so fucking selfish, and don't let Pinkie tell you otherwise. It doesn't matter how happy you are - I'm just trying to make sure the universe doesn't END."
That... might be what the awful feeling in your stomach was relating to. If "I have a bad feeling about this" feelings are proportional to how terrible the thing is, then comparing that feeling to the feeling you got before you jumped the fence into the tiger enclosure... yeah. Universe-ending peril seems about right.
You stand and brush yourself off.
"Okay then. NOT going to that party, see you some other time."
Pinkie does some kind of tackle-hug, pinning you to the ground and flashing you the most sincere smile you've ever seen.
"Life without Laughter or Love or Lesbians isn't worth living, Anon. I swear to you in the name of all that is pastry, things will be okay. Go to the party."
Batman, blessed be he (even if not truly him), has seen fit to grace you with meat. Both he and every sense you have urge at the highest levels of logic and reason and feeling that you not go. The risk is too great.
Pinkie Pie, a pony you met fairly recently but who has always done her best to make others happy, swears to you that not going is a mistake.
This should be easy.
...
Why isn't it easy?
Brain, we good on this? Don't do it?
Stomach, I have meat back home.
Liver? Alcohol at home, too.
Dick? Porn.
Foreboding sense of doom? Stay home, right?
Everybody agrees.
...
Why isn't it easy?
Dear sweet Jesus help you, you're at the party.
Everything looks and sounds and smells and tastes like nothing's wrong, but you can't erase the feeling of a looming apocalypse.
You aren't having a very good time, shivering and sweating in the corner by the punch.
Most of the others seem to be enjoying themselves, so good for them?
Why are you even HERE? God this was the stupidest idea...
You reach for the ladle drifting around the punch bowl.
Your hand bumps into Twilight's hoof.
"Oh, hi Anon."
"H-hey Twilight. Having... having a good time?"
She shivers a little.
"To tell you the truth, not really. I feel really awful, and I don't even know why."
"Oh. Uh... what kind of awful? Like, are you sick or something?"
"No. I just... I can't explain it. It's almost as if something is deeply wrong on a cosmic scale."
You gulp. That's a good fucking sign.
"You uh, you don't say?"
Something blue catches your eye. Dash has just landed near you.
"Hey Anon! Pinkie says we're gonna play some kinda drinking game in a few minutes. You in?"
You're still sweating bullets. The world hasn't been torn asunder yet, but the feeling won't go away.
Drinking would probably help soothe your nerves.
"Sure. What about you, Twilight?"
She smiles, but it looks a bit forced.
"I'd hate to be a party pooper, and I'm pretty sure everyp0ny else will be playing. I might as well."
"Awesome! I'll go round up Fluttershy and Rarity and AJ!"
She jets off to the far corner of the room to coax yellowquiet out of hiding.
You quickly down a glass of punch, and are completely blown away by how rapidly the feeling washes away.
It's almost like you're just some guy at a party with some friends. You aren't sure what this means.
"Hey Twilight..."
"Yes?"
"Do you... suddenly feel a lot better?"
Her face scrunches up a little. "I do. How did you know?"
"I don't think it matters. I guess... I guess there's nothing to worry about. The false Batman is just a temptress of the fleshy pleasures."
Twilight gives you an accusing look.
"That, uh, came out a lot more awkward than I meant for it to. Forget I said anything. Let's just have a good time here."
She smiles and nods.
"Fillies and slightly more masculine fillies and then that one dude over there with the dong, it is time! Those of you with weak constitutions may want to just sit and watch the game unfold. We are going to play a little game I like to call OH SHIT, MY LIVER MADE ME SAY WHAT?"
She holds up a remote and a shot glass.
"We are going to watch a bad horror movie, and every time a character is killed or maimed as a direct result of something stupid they did, we are all going to drink. But wait, there's more! That would be fun, but not fun enough. With each and every drink, we will resume an ongoing game of Truth or Dare! The game is over when the movie ends. I've seen good ponies go to JAIL playing this game, and I hope for nothing less than the best from all of you! So without further ado, may I present our movie for the evening - Winter Stab-Up 5!"
The room breaks into uproarious cheers. There are a good two dozen ponies here, ready and waiting to get fablosutely shucking fit aced.
You're incredibly shocked that your sense of impending doom disappeared BEFORE this was announced and hasn't returned.
Dash jabs you in the rib.
"We can take these chumps."
It hasn't even been an hour yet, and you can no longer see straight. This movie is AWFUL.
Oh look, another pony who heard a strange noise and went to investigate. Cue needlessly gory death presented courtesy of the worst fucking acting you've ever seen in 3... 2... 1... bingo.
You slam down a shot of who even cares what anymore as the movie is paused.
The eight remaining players form a circle and your stomach does a little flip.
Shit, are you about to go down? You thought you could handle your liquor better than that...
No wait... this is something else.
Fuck, it's the doom thing! It's back.
Why is it back?
You're not sure, what with the inebriation and all, but you think it's even worse than before.
Was that break just the calm before the storm?
Your eyes shift around the room for several seconds until somep0ny coughs.
"Huhwha?"
"It's you. We're waiting. Truth or dare?"
"Oh, uh..."
Shit, fuck, shit. There's got to be a way out of this... a way to clamp your tail between your legs and run home to hide.
There's a crack of thunder outside.
Maybe you can fake an injury on a dare?
"Dare."
"Eat this. No questions."
Whoever this pony is, she's got guts.
It's some kinda faintly glowing rock. You'd guess uranium, but you don't know shit.
You take it in your hand and stare at it for a second.
This could work. You can fake diarrhea or something. These ponies don't know how whatever it is might affect your sensitive alien digestive system.
You close your eyes and choke it down.
It burns a little, but doesn't really have any taste to speak of.
You prepare to double over in mock-pain, when there's another crack of thunder and a shattering of glass.
You're knocked to the floor.
"You IDIOT!"
You look up at your assailant.
"Batman?"
"Do you realize what you've just done?"
He turns and glares at the pony who offered you the strange stone.
"And YOU. What's your game? What do you stand to gain from this?"
She smirks.
"I'm not sure it's wise to tell you."
Dash is on Batman, punching him repeatedly in the face.
"Leave Anon alone!"
Suddenly, she's ensconced in a soft glow and lifted away from her target.
"Ah, no. He'll suffer enough as his plans fall apart. Besides, we wouldn't want to hurt that pretty face. Go on, show them."
He spits at her.
"Go fuck yourself."
"Well that's not very nice, now is it..."
She's not a unicorn, but she's definitely doing magic. That's what's happening with Dash floating there struggling to get down and now with his mask slowly lifting upward to reveal...
"Anon."
What.
The.
Fuck.
He... you?
You...
He...
Batman?
Why Batman?
And... dating Twilight?
But you...
He...
Batman?
Wait.
Waitwaitwait.
Temporal anomalies.
Cryptic plans.
God DAMNIT why does every new development in your life have to be something this unbelievably retarded?
Batman is YOU from another point in time.
Probably the future.
It's always the goddamn future.
Wait.
Waitwaitwait.
FUCK.
That ASSHOLE! Always assuring you that "future you" would appreciate what he's doing.
THAT SON OF A BITCH.
Set jimmies to maximum rustle and prepare to violently rectify the situation.
Fuck future you.
Fuck him right in his fucking future.
You jump to your feet and prepare to punch yourself in the face repeatedly until you think of the best way to destroy him.
You're gripped in place by an odd glow and unable to move a muscle.
"I'm sorry, I thought I made it clear he didn't need to be harmed? You, on the other hand... well let's make that dare a little more interesting."
Your stomach feels funny.
You okay, buddy?
No. No stomach is not okay. Stomach is mad, and so is brain. Brain says you're stupid for eating that thing.
It probably wasn't uranium, but you thought it was - how stupid do you have to be to willingly consume a nugget of what you believe to be glowing radioactive ANYTHING?
PAIN. PAIN AND SUFFERING WHERE YOUR ORGANS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE.
QUICK CHECK, WHO'S STILL OKAY?
STOMACH? LIVER? BRAIN?
KIDNEY?
NO? EVERYBODY IS SCREAMING AND LIKELY ON FIRE?
FUCK
There's a strange sound approaching from the distance.
You don't actually know that, what with the screaming, but it's there.
You also don't know that most of the occupants of the room have fled, also screaming.
It's just you, the magical non-unicorn, Dash, Pinkie, and you. And that noise that you can ALMOST hear now.
There it goes. Sortof a battlecry. Pretty fucking loud if you can hear it right now.
A very satisfying and resounding *CRACK* echoes through the room and you fall to the floor.
You still ache - a LOT - but the searing waves of agony are gone.
"Anon! Are you okay? It's totally not my fault that I'm late!"
"Huh?"
You crack an eye open to see Rainbow Dash talking to you. Not you, you. Fuck that guy.
"What are you talking about?"
At least he's just as lost as you are.
"I'll explain later."
"Now hold just one bucking second here. SOMEp0ny needs to explain what's going on!"
Dash seems enraged and confused by Dash.
Wait. Dash... Dash?
GOD DAMN IT NOT THIS SHIT.
Dash stamps a hoof.
"There's no TIME! Ugh, what's that word Twilight would use... um... irony? Whatever. She'll be getting up any second - there's no way that was enough to finish her and we need to get out of here while we have the chance. I've got Anon, can you get Anon?"
You and Dash both make the same confused expression.
You look over to where the bitch magicking the shit out of you was to see a limp pony with her head at a VERY unnatural angle.
Is Dash sure she's not done?
Her eyes snap open.
Horrible doom sensation is back. Is everybody ready to leave? You're ready to leave.
Let's leave.
Please?
The horrible bitch's head snaps back into place and she stands up.
She glares at Dash.
"Well now that's not very nice."
Pinkie? What are you doing walking up to that thing?
She presses her nose up against the other pony and narrows her eyes.
"You aren't going to win, you know. The three-"
Pinkie glows and is thrown against the wall.
"Save your breath. You'll need it to let everyp0ny know how bad this is about to hurt."
Pinkie is lifted high into the air.
A broomhandle is snapped, leaving jagged wooden splinters exposed, and stood beneath her.
"And so laughter falls."
Dash and Dash both try to dash off and save her, but are held fast with more bullshit OP magic.
Pinkie smiles.
"I already told you. You aren't going to win."
The glow around her dissipates, and she begins to fall.
"You aren't even a lesbian."
Just before impact, Pinkie vanishes into thin air.
You, Dash, you, Dash, and the horrible witch are all stunned into several seconds of silence.
What just happened? Ponies don't vanish into thin air like that!
Even magical crap like Twilight's teleportation isn't THAT abrupt. There's a spark or a flash and a little wave of energy to signal the event, but here there was nothing.
Pinkie started to fall, and just a little before she was impaled on the jagged remains of a once-proud broomstick, she ceased being.
The witch's gaze slowly drifts across the room, resting only momentarily on each of its occupants before settling on future you.
"Where did she go?"
Her voice is eerily calm.
"I wouldn't tell you if I knew."
A fire lights in her eyes and the once seemingly noble, then revealed to be alternatingly cowardly and eccentric but eventually restored to partially noble "Batman" is dragged across the floor in a pale blue cloud of energy.
He comes to a stop just a few feet from her hooves.
"Then you are of no use to me."
She smiles at you.
The unbearable agony returns in full force and your senses quickly start to blur.
After an undoubtedly short but apparently infinite stretch of suffering and screaming, your vision swims back into focus to reveal that your right arm is going straight through future you's chest.
You can briefly feel the last beat of his heart in your hand before the writhing flames encasing your limb remove the ability to sense anything but pain.
In a blink of light, she disappears.
One of the Dashes in the room screams and charges at you, pounding her hooves against you as she wails something incomprehensible to you.
She might very well be perfectly clear, but it's hard to know anything for certain.
You aren't even sure if you can detect her blows against such immense background sensation.
The fire on your arm dies, but the pain does not.
You stand, unable to find the courage or strength to move as Dash spends all her energy attacking you in vain.
The other Dash shakes herself out of her stunned stupor and moves to restrain your assailant.
She doesn't resist.
She doesn't speak.
She does cry.
You bolt upright, startled by the room you're in. The bed is soft and the light is bright.
Fluttershy rises from the seat on against the wall and steps softly to your side.
"Oh good. You're awake."
"What... what happened?"
She casts her eyes down to the floor and refuses to meet your gaze.
"A lot. We can talk about it soon."
You glance around the room a bit more, noting the distinctly hospital-like appearance of the place.
"Are you hungry?"
"Yeah... I am."
Before she can respond, a rainbow blur zips through the doorway and slams to the floor next to your bed.
"He can eat later. He's up, and I need answers. Tell AJ we're having the meeting early."
Fluttershy squeaks and backs out of the room.
Dash reaches for your arm.
"Okay Anon, let's go."
She gives it a light tug.
"Uh... where are we going?"
"To one of Celestia's private conference rooms. We need to get this junk sorted out pronto!"
She pulls your arm a little harder.
You swing your legs over the side of the bed and stand up.
You crack your neck.
"I don't get a choice?"
She moves around you, planting the top of her head firmly against your leg, and starts pushing you across the floor.
Your bare feet provide surprisingly little traction.
"Not a chance."
Apparently you're in a medical wing of Canterlot Castle.
You've never been, but the intricate tapestries are a dead giveaway.
Well that and Celestia's private conference rooms.
This can't possibly go badly.
With you cooperating and walking rather than being pushed, the two of you made it pretty across the castle grounds.
Dash noses open the door and you're greeted by the sight of Celestia herself seated at one end of a rather ornate table.
The door swings quietly closed.
You stand and gawk for only two or three seconds before grabbing a seat at random.
Dash follows you in and sits next to you.
A tense silence hangs in the air until Twilight steps into the room and takes the seat directly to Celestia's right.
"Who are we waiting for, aside from the obvious?"
"One court magician and one royal guard."
Celestia's serene smile doesn't waver.
silence reigns again for several minutes until a decrepit old unicorn stallion shuffles into the room.
You open your mouth.
"What exactly-"
Celestia closes her eyes.
"Patience, Anon."
Applejack and Fluttershy quietly file into the room and sit across from you and Dash.
Twilight nods her head at them.
A stallion in golden armor marches to the seat directly opposite Celestia.
Ten more seconds of silence pass before Celestia clears her throat.
"Shall we begin?"
No. No you shall not.
Suddenly, Pinkie Pie.
Remember the way she popped out of sight?
She just did that in reverse and is now standing on the table.
"EVERYP0NY LISTEN UP! WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY ON OUR HOOVES!"
Given the urgency with which she's speaking, and the surprising nature of her arrival, the room remains quiet, waiting for her proclamation.
"Anon here is a virgin!"
WAT.
Twilight shoots her an odd look.
"Pinkie, I'm really glad you're okay and I have a lot of questions for you but that is neither an emergency nor appropriate!"
"Au contraire madame smartypants. It is EXACTLY an emergency. The timeline is falling apart and we absotively-posolutely have to fix it before something really bad happens! If you thought Antevorta was awful before, just wait until you see her get what she wants!"
"Antewho?"
"Speaking of, we should all probably get out of here. Like, RIGHT NOW before she crashes this little party."
The guardpony jolts up.
"That psycopath is headed HERE?"
Pinkie nods vigorously.
"Yup. So, um, run?"
Celestia's eyes widen.
"I must defend the holding cell. Quick Draw, with me. Scroll, return to your quarters. Pinkie,"
She gulps, and you swear you see a bead of sweat run down her forehead.
"I entrust the safety of the others to you."
Well that makes you feel secure, now doesn't it?
As you and the mane six... err... five? Where's Rarity in all this?
Whatever. Rarity is worst pony.
As you and five equines barrel down the halls of the castle and the various secret passages within and underneath it, you manage a few wheezing questions and answers.
Twilight tells you that future Dash was contained for fear of her actions altering the timeline.
Sounds like that cat has already shit in the bag so much it was pushed out by fecal pressure.
Pinkie tells you that a descendant of yours invents time travel and so if anything there gets screwed up, everything gets wrecked.
She doesn't outright SAY it, but she heavily implies that this means you fuck a pony later.
Deep in some shame-encrusted corner of your mind, you pump your fist and whoop.
You all turn another corner in the long, crazy tunnel you most recently ran into. By now you have to be fifty miles from the damn castle. Where the hell do all these passages let out?
Twilight heaves more air into her lungs.
"So... does this mean Anon and I...?"
Pinkie seems completely unphased by all the running.
"Can't actually tell you that. All I can say is that whether he and you end up doing the eighty five degree twist or not, that little date you had was totally super important."
You briefly consider Twilight...
No you don't.
"Hey, so rather than speculate about my love life - which if I'm understanding correctly we can't actually risk confirming or denying any possibilities thereof - can we get some other answers?"
"Sure! Like what?"
"Like you. The thing where you were gonna die and then you didn't and then you materialized on the table?"
"Oh, THAT? That's easy. I'm from the future!"
Of fucking course. It's ALWAYS the goddamn future.
Before you get the chance, Twilight snaps.
"Elaborate. Now!"
Maybe you should consider her afterall...
"What more is there to say? I went back to the future right before I bought the farm and then came right back as soon as I could."
"Okay, yeah, but the future? Since WHEN?"
Pinkie's face scrunches in thought.
"I'm not very good at math, but I think the answer is technically forever? In your time, there was no Pinkie Pie. I'm an agent. A sort of "time cop", if you will, sent back to protect the timeline. Since you girls always seem to be at the center of huge disasters, we figured it'd be a good idea to station somep0ny nearby and I drew the short straw. Lucky for me size doesn't matter, because you girls are amazing!"
Twilight shakes her head.
"I can't believe what I'm hearing. I mean, that literally raises more questions than it answers!"
"Sure does! The answers are yes, yes, yes, no, maybe, no, not until Tuesday, yes, six hundred and twelve, cinammon, and I don't know."
Twilight stares straight ahead with a vacant expression and doesn't say a word.
"Oh, and also yes. My Pinkie Sense is exactly what you think it is."
Dash shoots ahead of the group and turns around to face Pinkie.
"Where exactly are we going?"
Pinkie skids to a halt.
"I dunno, I thought I was following you!"
"I was BEHIND you!"
"Yeah, I know. I kept thinking you had no idea where you were going!"
Twilight, Dash, and Applejack all facehoof as the group comes to a stop and pools back together.
"So does ANYp0ny have a plan? At all? For dealing with what's her name?"
"I don't think so. And besides, Dash, how can we plan for a threat we know next to nothing about? Pinkie, can you tell us about Antevorta?"
"What's there to tell? She's a maniacal deity that exists outside of time who doesn't like it when mortals mess with the natural order of events. I may have made a teeny-tiny oopsie with some bees a while back that got her attention, and now she wants to stamp out Anon and smooth over all the wrinkles he's made in the space-lime gymnasium. But like I said before, she's no good at Laughs or Love and I don't think she has enough of a gender to be a Lesbian."
"Okay, fine, so that's her goal. But what's ours? Haven't we already shit all over the timeline enough that the future is ruined anyway?"
"Yes. But also no. Y'see, the thing about that is HEYLOOKOVERTHERE!"
You're a gullible idiot, so you turn and look. When you look back, Pinkie's gone.
"Awesome. Would I be right if I said we're lost?"
Twilight looks around the area.
"Yes."
"Great! Fucking great! Let's just set up camp here then and wait to be destroyed by a monster from beyond time!"
Applejack finally says something. It was starting to look like she'd gone mute or something.
"Now wait jes' one second. We're the Elements of Harmony, remember? We got the strongest magic this side 'o anythang, and I'll be darned if some outdated and irrelevant diefic reference is gonna scare me! I say we set up camp and wait for her to come to us, then pow. Right on the nose."
Why is it that every time some awful suggestion comes up, you end up sliding right into it like you never even considered alternatives?
Like, the parts of your life where you'd debate the pros and cons of something and discuss alternate solutions are entirely stripped out and you just move straight from dumb idea to ITOLDYOUTHISWASADUMBIDEALOOKWHATHAPPENSNOW?
You're camping in the tunnel.
You're lying awake in your "tent" constructed out of the various fabrics Rarity was carrying.
What do you mean Rarity wasn't with you? Of course she was, don't be ridiculous.
A small rustle shakes the entrance flap to your tent and a figure enters.
"Anon? Can we talk?"
"I guess? What's up, Dash?"
"I, uh, okay... how do I say this..."
"Just do it. After all the shit that's gone down recently, I really doubt you can surprise me."
"Okay then... here goes. I think we should do it."
"Do what?"
"Um... IT."
whyboner.jpg
Hey, uh, Brain, can I get something here? Anything? No?
How about you, Dick? Do we... uh... do we want that?
Complete radio silence on all channels. The only thing you can do is sit there and drool like an idiot that forgot how to do anything but breathe.
Finally, enough neurons fire that you manage to speak.
"WAT"
Dash is blushing and fidgeting and not making eye contact.
"Look, I just... that was me back there. And you. And it looked like we... I mean, you saw how upset it made me - er, I mean me, not ME - when you... well, not YOU... UGH. Those were tears, okay? Huge, sobbing tears. Watching you die apparently did one heck of a number on me."
Are you functional enough to make a coherent response yet?
"Buh?"
... pure genius.
"And with all this crud about time junk, apparently we need to make sure certain things happen. One of which being you having a kid. I sorta don't want the universe to explode or whatever. I live there, ya know? And the sooner we can do whatever needs to be done to prevent that and stop the pairabocks from happening, the better."
Rather than try to respond again, you nod.
"So since I know you pretty well and I saw... all that back there, I'm pretty sure the answer is me and you. AJ is always too busy working the farm, Rarity wants someone more cultured than you, Twilight didn't seem to excite you much, Fluttershy would probably faint at the sight of your junk, and Pinkie is... uh, well, PINKIE. That leaves..."
She blushes harder.
"...me."
You gulp.
"I... yeah. That makes sense, I guess. I just-"
She stamps a hoof indignantly.
"Look, I'm not any more thrilled about this than you are! We just need to do what needs to be done, okay?"
You stare at her for several seconds, moving your jaw but saying nothing.
You look down at the ground, then back up.
"Alright."
She turns around and lifts her tail.
"O-okay... so, um... put it... uh... put it in."
So... not that you ever imagined this or anything, but this is not how you imagined this would go.
"Are you sure about this? You seem-"
"Look, I've never done it before, okay? So yeah, I'm kinda jittery. Just hurry up and do it before I start freaking out about how I HAVE to have sex to save the world."
Your gaze hardens. Amazingly, your dick doesn't!
"No way."
Dash trembles a little.
"I don't think we get much of a choice."
"Nop0ny said for sure it was you and me, and they damn sure didn't say it had to be right now. I'm not gonna force something on you that you're not comfortable with. If I EVER do stick my dick in a horse, it's gonna be because we both want it, not because I'm destined to."
You stir in your sleeping bag and feel your hand brush against a soft coat.
You open your eyes and see Dash curled up next to you in the faint light of the moon.
You relax into a sigh when you notice your pants are still on.
As gently as possible, you pull yourself away from her and step out of the tent and into the cool night air.
The moon is still really high up, certainly not far from where it was. You guess you just conked out for a bit and didn't actually sleep long.
You do feel strangely rested, though.
You hear a shuffling from a nearby tent.
Twilight stumbles out with a bad case of bed-mane, or whatever they call it.
"Why's it so dark?"
You shrug.
"Sun rises in the morning."
Twilight shakes some of the sleepiness out of her head.
She's still sorta mumbling.
"But it IS morning. The sun should've been up an hour ago."
That doesn't make any sense!
The only reason the sun wouldn't rise would be if something happened to Celestia.
...
Aw, fuck.
You go dashing around the campsite waking everyp0ny up.
AJ and Rarity rocket out of their cuddle and start stammering out excuses.
You never would have guessed, but you aren't surprised.
Once all of you are up and standing around your newly-roaring fire, Twilight clears her throat to proclaim something.
And then Pinkie Pie.
She is GOOD at popping up out of nowhere like that.
"Okay, so you may have noticed we have some problems."
Twilight frowns. "You think?"
Pinkie smiles and shrugs. "Sometimes."
"Anyway, so there's a bit of a situation with Celestia and Antevorta and future Dashie, but you all really need to just keep moving so she can't lock onto you and commit acts of unspeakable violence. I'm just letting you know things are SORTA under control and you don't need to panic."
Fluttershy peeks out from under her wings (where she's been hiding for a while now).
"But... what about the sun and moon? All the poor creatures will be so confused."
"Oh, no problem. I'll be handling those. My boss just cleared it a few minutes ago and I have all the power I need."
Even Pinkie isn't so far gone or so oblivious that she wouldn't realize how terrifying that sounds.
She lets a weak chuckle slip out of her as she tries to keep a straight, reassuring face up.
Fluttershy goes back to hiding.
Rarity faints.
Applejack spits "We're doomed." as deadpan as possible.
You turn and look at Dash.
You can't read her expression, but it's not fear.
"We'll be okay. I trust her."
Twilight does her best 'are you fucking serious' face.
"Really? You think PINKIE can handle it?"
Dash's face is suddenly pretty fucking serious.
"Yeah. I do. There's so much good in this world that I can't bring myself not to believe in her."
"Dash, sentiment's all well and good, but-"
"But nothing! I'm the element of loyalty, aren't I? I've been given every reason to trust those I care about. ESPECIALLY lately. If Pinkie tells me not to worry... if my FRIEND tells me things will be okay, I'll believe her."
Is Pinkie... crying?
You're not sure you've ever seen that before.
It's absolutely heartbreaking. That smile is the most genuine thing in the world and she's still got tears streaming down her face.
She chokes back a sob.
"Th...thank you, Dashie. That... that means a LOT to me right now."
Dash goes steps forward and wraps her in a gentle hug.
"No problem."
Pinkie pushes Dash off of her and wipes her eyes dry with a hoof.
"Okay. I love you all so, SO much, but right now you need to go. You've been in one place too long already, and if I'm here too it just makes it that much easier for her. So please, start moving again? It doesn't even really matter where you go. We just can't let her find you."
Twilight's ears and eyes jump up.
"How did YOU find us?"
Pinkie looks away.
"I know we were just talking about trust, but I can't tell you that. I swear I will the SECOND it's okay, but right now I can't. It'd be just as dangerous as revealing the truth about Anon's child."
Twilight closes her eyes, sighs, breathes deeply, then looks back at Pinkie.
"Okay."
You, Twilight, AJ, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Dash all set off toward the south as Pinkie disappears in a puff off smoke that almost looks like cotton candy.
None of you know where your going, how long it'll take to get there, how long you can STAY there, or even when this will all come to an end, but it's okay.
You have eachother, and that's enough to brighten your day.
Speaking of brightening...
The sun rises! It's a little jerkier than it should be, but given she's not even a unicorn, you give Pinkie MAD props for doing as well as she just did.
It's a beautiful day for a walk.
Applejack and Rarity stay close, but be sure to make some distance everytime you look back at them.
Fluttershy stays quiet.
Twilight seems lost in her own little world. She's probably trying to piece together some answers.
So what else do you do but sidle up next to Dash and make some conversation?
"'sup?"
You are the master of smalltalk.
She shrugs.
"I dunno. I guess wandering around aimlessly is probably better than everything disintigrating or whatever, but I feel like we should be doing something, y'know? There's a huge magical threat out there, and we're not doing anything to fight it! Makes me antsy."
"I wouldn't know much about that. Didn't really do any world-saving back home."
"You totally should. You'd be great at it."
You quirk an eyebrow.
"You're the perfect jerk with a heart of gold. It's like, not even possible for a story with someone like you as the main character to end badly."
You pout.
"So I'm a jerk, huh?"
"...sorry."
"Aw come on, I'm just fucking around. Yeah, I'm a jerk. I'm an asshole. I'm a dick. I'm honestly a pretty fucking abominable excuse for a human being. Just about the only thing I've got going for me is that I can belch the alphabet."
Dash gives a soft smile.
"Heh, two things. One? That's not gonna work. You and I both know you don't suck THAT bad. And two?"
She breathes in and belches out a big, long, "a."
Then rears back for a "b."
"Okay, okay, point taken. I'm 100% useless because the only skill I have, the one thing I can do that I've dedicated years of my life to perfecting, you can pull of without a day of practice."
She laughs.
"Who says I've never practiced?"
"OF COURSE! IT'S ALL SO SIMPLE!"
What's Twilight shouting about now?
"I know how that happened. You told me the whole story. You were standing on your toilet and you were hanging a clock, and you fell and you hit your head on the sink. And that's when you came up with the idea for the flux capacitor,"
Her excitement dies down.
"...which is what makes time travel possible," she says as she slumps to the ground.
"You okay, Twilight?"
"I... I don't know. Suddenly everything was so clear to me, but then the second I started trying to say anything it was like my brain was replaced with a baked potato and I just started spouting nonsense. I don't even remember what I just figured out, but I KNOW it was something we needed to know!"
"That... doesn't sound good. Any accompanying dizziness? Headaches?"
She shakes her head.
"No, nothing. I was completely fine. Just busy trying to figure out this whole mess. I had an epiphany, which isn't that unusual, but then it melted on its way down to my mouth and I swear I could even TASTE it."
"A stroke?"
"I don't think so. I guess I don't know what to think. Maybe I'm going crazy from all this nonsense?"
Hmmm...
You're not sure how. You're not sure why. Maybe you've just read too much shitty fanfiction and can see these sorts of plot twists coming, but for once you think you understand something that Twilight doesn't.
It's the stupidest thing you've EVER heard, but it's so crazy it just might make sense.
You think you know how Pinkie knows where you all are, and if you're right you can't tell Twilight.
She'd flip out and reject it because she hasn't realized it yet.
And because it is the dumbest plot-twist in human or equine history.
Okay. Hold onto your ass, this is about to get retarded.
See how Twilight is slipping away? Losing her mind a bit?
Notice how Pinkie tends to get serious when Twilight asks questions, even though neither love nor laughter are involved? You don't think she's a lesbian, either.
Before the timeline went off the rails, Pinkie knew what was going down when because she had records.
Since then, she should've lost her ability to predict what's going to happen - but she didn't. She's still able to pinpoint where you all are and what you're up to.
Pinkie's way smarter than she lets on, and Twilight is slowly becoming much crazier than she'd like to admit.
What if...
There's just no way. It's too stupid. Can't be right.
Twilight let out a sharp gasp.
"I remembered the thing I figured out that I forgot!"
Everpony stops.
"I know how we can escape! I know what to do so Antevorta can't get to us!"
Applejack's eyes lit up. "Well shoot, Twi', go on an' tell us! I'd love to git back to the farm."
She frowned. "Unfortunately, we won't be able to go back just yet. The magic's pretty complicated, but the basic idea is that we rely on the fundamental orthogonality of time and space. We know she's got time down pretty well, but she's not omnipotent."
Dash groaned. "In words we can understand, please?"
"We exploit her weak point: space. I'm going to transport us outside of our universe."
"If she can't do that, how can you?"
She smiles, but you see a light twitch in one of her eyes before her mouth opens.
"It's simple. We kill the Batman."
She blinks and shakes her head.
"What I MEANT to say was that I'm overpowered, so I can do whatever I feel like with my magic, but she can't because if the villain doesn't have limits the good guys can't win."
She blinks again.
"...What... what's happening to me?"
Some blood leaks out of her nose, and she falls to the ground.
"Dibs on Spike."
Rarity recoils in horror.
"Rainbow Dash! Our dear friend is in danger and-"
"Dibs on Aloysius! Um... if that's okay with you, that is..."
"Applejack, are you hearing this? I can't believe our friends could be so callous!"
"Hehe, sorry Rare. Dibs on the unmarked box in her closet!"
"What box?"
She winked.
"I'll show ya later."
Okay. Enough of... whatever this is.
"So, uh, guys? How do we get out of the universe now? Or... whatever. Do we just go back to running or what?"
In a blur, future Dash blasts down out of the sky and into your little circle around the unconscious mare.
She hoists her up onto her back and spreads her wings, about to fly off.
Dash holds up a hoof.
"Hang on. Yeah yeah, time something paradox blah whatever I don't GIVE A BUCK. Isn't you coming out here gonna make it way too easy for her to find us?"
She shakes her head.
"Doesn't matter. If she catches up to you, you fight. You'll PROBABLY lose, but you MIGHT not die. Twilight's triggering too early, and she hasn't been prepared yet. If she goes over the edge now, it's over."
You throw up your hands.
"Great! Is there anypony who ISN'T tied up in this knot of time shenanigans?"
"Rarity, AJ, and Fluttershy."
"Wait, really?"
She nods.
"Yeah."
"So those three are entirely pointless?"
Fluttershy cries quietly.
Future Dash looks off across the horizon.
"I'm not a time cop or whatever. I don't care about the integrity of any continucrud, especially since everything's so screwed up already. But I'm not gonna let my friend die. This is hard enough already."
Some tears slip out of her eyes.
"I've screwed up, and I've payed a high price."
She turns and stares at you.
You blink, and when you open your eyes, her face is pressed up against you, her lips locked with yours.
She breaks away.
"Don't die. Please."
She slowly flaps herself into the air, carrying Twilight on her back, when Twilight's eyes flutter open.
"Wait!"
"You're okay?"
"Yes. Err, no. Maybe! But I won't be for long if we don't get out of the universe right away! Antevorta is coming!"
"How do you know that? I only knew to come here because Pinkie said-"
"I know because my knee is pinchy!"
Present Dash slumps to the ground.
"Well that doesn't make any sense..."
Something twinkles in your eye.
"Egg-fucking-ZACTLY!"
Blank stares all around! These ponies are just GIVING them away!
"I'm an EXPERT on stupid bullshit, and I've been thinking about this for a while. There's some crap going on where I'm supposed to do sex at one of you, and there's some crazy magic anti-time witch trying to kill us for smearing diarrhea all over the timeline, and probably a bunch of other crap too, but each of those things has at least some small kernel of logic to it. They all make SOME kind of sense. But not this one, and that's why I understand! This is the whole of creation trying its best to be a colossal fuckup like me, and so I see what's happening here."
You stand tall and proud, ready to rustle the jimmies of the universe itself with the profound idiocy of the truth. This is it. This is THE ONE. There has never been anything more fucking ridiculous than what you're about to explain.
...
...
...
*suspense!*
"Twilight Sparkle is Pinkie Pie!"
"Anon, have you completely lost your mind?"
"Not yet! It gets dumber!"
"Anon, how could it possibly-"
"Wait your turn, Dash. I know your secret, too! Now where was I... oh, right. Pinkie was LYING about being a time cop! All the things she knows, she knows because she remembers them happening back when she was Twilight. We haven't disrupted the timeline at all! This is exactly what's supposed to happen. We're just closing up the stable timeloop that leads to her creation."
"Anon, I really-"
"WAIT. It gets DUMBER! The reason for making up the whole time cop thing was so Antevorta could hide in the story in a semi-plausible way. For you see, the shit-cherry on top of this shit-sundae is that Twilight Sparkle is ALSO Antevorta! Right now, her mind is fragmenting. She'll try her best to collect her rational thoughts and cast out the bubbling nonsense that is Pinkie, but it won't end well. Along with the crazy, she ends up discarding most of her positive traits and becomes a cold, calculating, murderer. She knew she wouldn't exist until sometime very soon, so she never risked interfering before then, but she's reasoned that the best and safest course for the universe is to come back to the point in time when Pinkie is first created and destroy her! She's too rational to let something as insane as Pinkie loose."
"I've heard some plum crazy stories before, Anon, but this takes ALL the cakes."
"Hang on to your hat, there, Applefucker, it gets DUMBER!"
"This? Right here and now? Where I'm shouting the most unbelievably retarded shit any sentient creature has ever come up with? This is ALSO part of the correct timeline. This incredibly fucking stupid speech is the final push Twilight needs to complete her transformation. Any second now, there's gonna be some stupid looking special effect magic and then there'll be two ponies there: Antevorta and Pinkie."
GOD FUCKING DAMN IT WHAT IS WRONG WITH... EVERYTHING?!!!?!? SURE ENOUGH, TWO FUCKING SECONDS LATER:
"You're one smart cookie, Anon!"
HEY LOOK IT'S PINKIE. Antevorta seems to be passed out, probably from the mind-blowing aneurysm this shit undoubtedly gave her.
"No I'm not! NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS SMART! This is basically what would happen if M. Night Shyamalan was GOD!"
Present Dash lets out a sigh.
"Can we just beat the tar out of Antevorta and go home? I can't deal with... whatever this is right now."
"Nopey-dopey! This is the part where I have to tell you that you're wrong about Dashie! You don't actually know her biggest secret, even though it's SUPER obvious. Ooh, and then I also have to steer the conversation away from what you THOUGHT her secret was so we never actually reveal that! Instead, I think now is probably the right time to tell you that Dashie's secretly in love with you!"
Dash looks away and blushes FURIOUSLY.
Future Dash grins sheepishly.
"Oh, and ALSO also, you're fine, so don't worry about dying in a cheap Batman costume down the road. What happened to you is probably gonna hurt worse than snorting wasabi, but you make it out alive somehow!"
You scowl.
"Why do I have to deal with something that awful?"
"I dunno. Maybe it's karma or something to balance out the pain of childbirth you cause Dashie?"
"How does that even work? We're not even CLOSE to the same species!"
"I can't spoil ALL the secrets! Don't worry about it. Just go on and start dating. It'll only be awkward for a few days. You'll both love it, and eventually Dashie here will come back in time to help me wrap up my mission and make sure all the right things happen for me to exist. Sorry I'm so selfish about it. I did my best to make sure other ponies were happy along the way, though! NOW we need to go banish my future evil twin sister to the moon so she can't stop me from existing. Then I should probably get back to the future. But don't worry, I'll visit sometimes! I love you guys WAY too much not to!"
Fluttershy shivers uncontrollably.
"S-so... that's it? We're... d-done?"
"Mhmm. We go fight the final boss and then the adventure is over!"
You narrow your eyes and stare at Pinkie.
"Wait a minute."
"Y-yeah?"
Is she... sweating?
"I assume that Antevorta takes off pretty much immediately after getting up to go set her schemes in motion, and Future Dash can just go back to the 'Mission Accomplished' banner and celebrate, but what about you?"
"Huh? I just go back with her, silly!"
"Not you, YOU! Future you - the one who's been living in the past all this time making sure things go smoothly and according to your memory - she can go back to whatever point in time she left from. I'm asking about YOU. What do YOU do in the meantime? You seem to be grown already, but you have to wait for time travel to be invented before you can go back, right?"
She chuckles and grins nervously.
"Maybe you don't give yourself enough credit, Anon. Maybe you're a smart cookie after all. I'm sorry, but that's classified information."
"And now that I think about it, why doesn't Future Dash look much different?"
Antevorta's eyes fly open.
"I can tell them."
Everyp0ny tenses, ready for a fight.
"Calm down. I know I can't fight you all right now. I have to go back before I can teach you to suffer. But I'd hate for you to be left in the dark..."
She laughs.
"Pinkie here doesn't have to wait for time travel to be invented. It already has. Twilight came up with it in her last moments before she split into the two of us."
"If it's already invented, then what's my kid important for?"
"Ah, this is the fun part. I hope when I explain you'll understand just how... unruly Pinkie is and why she must be destroyed. This is ALL her fault, you know. In a few years, three ponies will be sent back in time with the methods that only Pinkie and I know. Dash here will be sent back to exactly when she showed up to stop me, and I'll have to play along and act surprised. I can't risk changing anything before I exist."
"You can't risk changing ANYTHING! Paradoxes destroy the... reality whatever. Or something!"
She grins.
"Maybe. We've never actually SEEN a paradox occur, so who can say what happens? I have my theories, and you have yours. I just think I know a little better than you do. As proof, allow me to continue to recite the future that I can't possibly know yet. Pinkie will send herself back to a little while before Twilight Sparkle moves to Ponyville and make friends with the locals. She'll blend in and set up what needs to be set up."
"Yeah, I got it. And you'll go back to-"
"Oh, no. I'm going back much sooner. I'm going back right after I finish explaining this to you - leaving you TERRIBLY confused."
"Already there! Who's the third pony that goes back, then?"
"Your daughter, of course! She's sent back quite a few years, to long before any of these events started."
"What? WHY?"
"So that she can invent time travel, of course!"
...
No.
NO.
FUCK THIS NOISE.
YOU'RE DONE.
YOU'RE OUT OF HERE.
YOU ARE TAKING YOUR BALL AND GOING HOME BECAUSE YOU DO NOT WANT TO PLAY THIS FUCKING GAME FOR ONE SECOND LONGER.
"I'm sorry that I'm going to have to hurt you, father, but you ARE responsible for my sister and for that you must be punished."
You've seen shitty movies, watched shitty TV shows, read shitty books, and (though you may be reluctant to admit it) read shitty fanfiction. You consistently come up with the stupidest ideas anybody's ever heard. You are NOT an amateur when it comes to this sort of shit.
But you just can't.
You CAN'T.
This is where you have to draw the line.
You refuse.
You REFUSE.
You will not stand for this. You will not exist in a universe where these things are true.
You're done.
You're OUT OF HERE.
You howl and shriek unintelligible wails of despair.
Where's the nearest sharp object so you can slit your throat or wrists?
You need to exit the stage because this fuckery is NOT ACCEPTABLE ON ANY LEVEL.
Fuck it, there doesn't appear to be anything you can kill yourself with so you're just going to smash your head into the ground until you stop moving.
That ought to do it, and if it doesn't then MAYBE the brain damage will make you a vegetable.
A nice, peaceful vegetable that doesn't have to acknowledge this bullshit.
This COMPLETE, UTTER BULLSHIT.
Are the ponies around you reacting to your boiling rage? You can't tell and don't care.
You slam your face into the ground as hard as you can and everything goes black.
You open your eyes and cough.
Dash is leaning over you with a worried look on her face.
"You okay, Anon?"
"Probably not."
"I know you're never supposed to back out of a dare, but that was really stupid! You should NEVER eat something you can't identify!"
"W...what?"
"We were all pretty worried for a while. You fell over and started spazzing on the floor. I dragged you out of there and made sure you didn't hit your head or anything. After a few minutes, it looked like you just fell asleep."
"I don't... when is it?"
"Don't worry too much. I think you're probably fine. You were only out for about an hour. Nothing's really happened. We stopped playing after a dare like that. We were thinking about maybe popping in Winter Stab-Up 6. You in?"
You rub your head.
Vital note: don't FUCK with Equestrian drugs!
You sit up and breathe.
"You alright?"
"I think so. Say, Dash?"
"Yeah?"
"Kindof a weird question, but I guarantee you I'm not asking for any of the reasons you might guess."
"Whatever. Shoot."
"You don't ever want to have kids, do you?"
"What? No way!"
You breathe out, close your eyes, and smile.
