The Amusing Misadventures of British Teens

Chapter 4: Introductions

Applejack had been having a usual day at the farm. She woke up at the usual time of 6:30. She went to her mirror and did her hair and donned her hat, as usual. She had her usual breakfast with her family, like she usually did. She went out into the usual apple orchard and she got down to doing her usual work. She took her usual short break at noon, had her usual lunch and then got around to her usual afternoon schedule. She worked all through the afternoon doing her usual rounds about the orchards.

You know, the usual.

As she bucked the last tree for the day and was rewarded with the sound of apples thudding into the baskets grouped around the tree, she looked at the rest of the trees in the orchard and was pleased to see that there were baskets full of apples underneath all of them.

Giving a satisfied nod at her...hoofiwork? She decided to call it a day and started to load up a nearby cart with the apples that were littered about the place. As she had finished loading up the last of the apple baskets, she stopped to take a look at the sky, hued red and gold as the sun inched further and further down the horizon.

As she stood there, illuminated in the fiery ashes of a dying day, she basked in the serenity of it all. Revelling in the peacefulness of the moment. Of the deep feeling of satisfaction that came with a day’s hard work. Applejack to her hat off of her head and held it against her chest, truly taking in the beauty of the scene before her. Never before had she ever felt so at peace, so at –

“AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Applejack’s moment of tranquillity was shattered by the shrill scream of her little sister. Applejack just sighed heavily and placed her hat back on her head, “Ah’m comin’, ah’m comin’” she said, in a rather bored tone as she got up and headed off in the direction of the scream. “Ah swear,” Applejack muttered under her breath, “If this is ‘nother snake or somethin’ then ah’m goin’ ta have some serious words with ‘er.”

* * *

Tom was panicking slightly now. He had a screaming filly that wouldn’t shut up whom had probably alerted the entire farm to his presence. With little else left to do he tried to calm the little filly.

“Nonononononono, don’t scream , I’m not going to hurt you.” He said putting on what he hoped was a gentle, reassuring smile. But all Applebloom saw was his fangs and a creature that wanted to eat her, which in turn made her scream even louder. Tom winced at this and started to plead with her.

“Please be quite!”

Still she screamed.

“Pretty please?”

She still didn’t stop.

“I’ll get you some sweets. Ice cream? Cupcakes?”

She kept screaming, as if she hadn’t even heard him.

“I’ll be your friend.”

At this she appeared to scream even louder.

“Oh come on! What d’you want from me?”

“Ah want ya to step away from mah sister!” Another, older voice called out. Applebloom stopped screaming and both she and Tom turned to see Applejack running towards them, twirling her rope that always seems to spontaneously appear whenever she needs it.

“Of course, it had to be her.” Tom sighed as Applebloom quickly ran away from Tom towards her sister. “Look, this isn’t what it looks like!” Tom tried to argue, but Applejack wasn’t listening instead she (somehow) formed her rope into a lasso and without a seconds hesitation she threw it at Tom.

Tom only just managed to jump out of the way of the rope, but Applejack had used the time Tom spent dodging the rope to close the gap between them. Tom had less than a second to look surprised before Applejack tackled him to the ground.

Tom’s new chitinous armour helped to absorb most of the impact, for which he was grateful. But despite this he was still left a little winded. Whilst Tom was still trying to recover his breath Applejack magically procured a new length of rope like she always seems to do and tied his legs together, despite his struggles and protests.

“You can’t just go and tackle and tie up random people willy nilly! That’s assault! Assault I say! I want a lawyer! I know my rights!” Tom said, struggling with his bonds. But Applejack wasn’t paying him any attention. Instead she went over to Applebloom checking to see if she was alright.

“Applebloom! Are ya alrigh’? Did tha’ creature hurt ya?” Applejack asked, worry in her voice. Applebloom shook her head, “Nah, it didn’t get close enough fer that.”

“Oh thank Celestia fer that.” Applejack said as she pulled her sister into a hug. They held the embrace for a couple of seconds but they finally broke it off and turned to look at the still struggling Tom, whom was now muttering darkly under his breath.

“What d’ya reckon it is Applejack?” Applebloom asked, her pervious fear overridden by her curiosity. Applejack just shook her head as she looked at Tom harder. “Ah don’t rightly know. But ah reckon it migh’ be dangerous what with those fangs n’all, so stay away from it Applebloom.”

“It? It?! I’ll have you know that I take offence at being called an ‘it’” Tom said, clearly annoyed. But Applejack continued on as if he hadn’t said anything. “I think ah’ll go an’ get the girls. Maybe Twiligh’ or Fluttershy know what it is an’ how ta deal with it.”

“Again with the ’it’, I have feelings you know!” But again Tom’s outburst went unnoticed as another pony approached them. This pony was a large stallion that had an apple red coat and a straw coloured mane. He looked between Applejack, Applebloom and Tom a few times before he finally stopped on Applejack, his eyebrow raised in a silent question.

“Big Mac, ah’m glad I caugh’ ya. D’ya mind look over this here creature while ah go get the girls?”

“Creature! Why I – you know what, I give up. Please continue to talk as if I’m not even here and can’t hear everything you’re saying.”

Big Mac just raised his eyebrow further at Tom’s outburst and turned to look at Applejack. “Ah reckon ah can keep an eye on it.” Tom just fumed silently, knowing that any comment he made would be ignored.

“Thank you Big Mac. Applebloom, go back to tha house an’ help Granny Smith with dinner.” Applebloom looked a little unhappy at being dismissed but she didn’t argue back and started to make her way back to the house. “Ah’ll be back in a while Big Mac. You sure ya’ll be fine?”

“Eeyup” Was Big Mac’s trademark reply. Applejack just nodded and headed off at a brisk trot. Tom had stopped trying to escape the rope and was now looking up at the sky with a bored expression. He and Big Mac spent a couple of minutes in silence, before Tom decided to break it in the only way he knew.

“I know a song that will get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves!”

Meanwhile, at the edge of the Everfree Forest

Connor, Lee and Joel had seen the entire thing unfold and were now watching Big Mac clutch his ears to his head whilst Tom appeared to be singing something. The continued to watch this for a few more seconds before Joel spoke up.

“D’you think we ought to go and help?”

“Nah.” Connor replied, “I think we should wait for a bit. I think Applejack went to go and get the other Elements. Might as well wait and address them all at once.”

“Sure, whatever.” Was Joel’s reply. They all took a seat on the edge of the forest and waited for Applejack and the others to get back.

Twenty minutes later

“So Applejack, let’s go over this again. You found a ‘creepy, fanged insect monster pony’ stealing apples from your trees and your sister was screaming at it?” Twilight asked as she and the other girls made their way across the orchards to where Big Mac and were. Twilight had brought as many books on obscure creatures as she could. Pinkie Pie had just bounced around and said something about a party. Fluttershy had said little other than agreeing to go, but she had an expression of curiosity on her face.  Rarity and Rainbow Dash were...eh fuck it, I can’t be bothered to describe them. Just imagine them arguing or something.

“Tha’s what ah said Twi, then ah went and tussled it up. Last ah saw of it, Big Mac was lookin’ after it.” Applejack told Twilight. Twilight immediately levitated one of her books and quickly flipped through it.

“Are you sure Applejack?” Twilight asked, sceptical “There’s nothing in my books about an insect like pony.”

“Are ya callin’ me a lair?” Applejack asked, her voice taking a more hard quality.

“Oh no, no, no. Nothing of the sort. I’m just saying it’s rather hard to believe.” Twilight said hastily.

“Well ya better believe it. Tied the thing up with mah own hooves.”

“Oh, I hope you didn’t hurt it.” Fluttershy said, concern in her voice.

“Ah’m sure it’s fine. It was sti-“ But Applejack was interrupted by Pinkie Pie before she could finish.

“Hey,” Pinkie Pie said as she all but shoved Applejack out of the way. “Can anypony else hear singing?” They all stopped talking for a moment and true to Pinkie’s word they could hear the faint sounds of someone singing.

“Come on girls,” Twilight said, taking charge, “Let’s go and see what this is all about.”

Without wasting any more time they sped up their leisurely trot and soon enough they were close enough to hear Tom's dreadful caterwauling.

“What is that been sung?” Rarity asked, scrunching her muzzle at the sound.

“I know a song that’ll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves!”

Raising their eyebrows at each other they finally reached the area where Big Mac and Tom were. What they saw there was Big Mac lying on the ground with his hooves pressing his ears into his skull and a jolly Tom singing the same few lines over and over again.

However, when Tom finally noticed the six other ponies in front of him he stopped his singing and addressed them. “Oh, hello there. You there, purple and unicorny. I would like to make an official complaint as to how I have been treated upon my arrival to Ponyville. I have screamed at, lassoed at, tackled and insulted. Quite frankly I find this behaviour to be rather appalling. I mean, being called and ‘it’ and a ‘creature’ is rather a hurtful thing to say to someone. And I’m a male, for future reference.” As soon as Tom had stopped singing and started talking, Big Mac had gotten up and all but galloped away from the annoying changeling.

Twilight blinked a couple of times as she processed what had just been said. “Erm...I’m sorry, what?” She asked, a little unsure as how to respond.

“Additionally,” Tom said, continuing on, “I’m fairly sure that being tackled to the ground and tied up is classified as assault and as such I would like to talk to a government official.”

Twilight blinked again, a bit taken aback by what Tom said. “He...erm , he actually has a point Applejack. What you did was technically assault."

“What!?” Applejack exclaimed, outraged. “The only reason I tackled ‘im in tha first place was because he was attackin’ mah sister!”

“Attacking you sister?” Tom scoffed, “I did no such thing, she simply looked at me and started screaming, I never even touched her. If you don’t believe me then ask her yourself, or check her body for that matter. If I had attacked her there would have been signs of it.”

Applejack sat down as she took a second to comprehend what had been said, “You-you aren’t going to turn me in. Y’know, for the tacklin’ and whatnot? Are ya?”

Tom appeared to consider it for a moment before he replied, “That depends.” He said giving her an even stare, “How much longer are you going to keep me tied up like this?”

But just as Applejack moved to untie Tom another voice cut across to them. “Oh but Tom, where would be the fun in that?”

Everyone turned to see three more newcomers approaching them. There was a pony who had a pair of feline eyes and fangs. There was a Griffon with a charcoal grey coat and red eyes. Lastly there was a brown Minotaur with what appeared to be an unconscious pony over his shoulder.

The pony, whom appeared to have been the one whom had spoken, walked towards the group of mares as the other two stayed a bit behind. “Greetings ladies.” The pony said, offering them a small bow, “Allow me to introduce myself. I am Connor. I see you have already met my friend, Tom. The Griffon behind me is called Joel,”

“Sup” Joel said casually, offering a nod of his head.

“The big Minotaur is called Lee.”

“Hey” Lee said, raising his hand in greeting.

“And the unconscious pony on his shoulder is called Matty.”

Matty said and did fuck all to greet them, owing to the fact he was still unconscious.

“And whom,” Connor said, a small smile on his face causing his fangs to be shown, “Do I have the pleasure of making the acquaintance of?”

For a couple of awkward moments none of the Elements said anything. Instead simply staring at Connor a mixture of shock and apprehension. But eventually, Twilight blinked a couple of times and hesitantly approached Connor.

“Hello there,” She started a bit of apprehension in her voice, “My name’s Twilight Sparkle” Connor’s smile only widened at this, causing his fangs to become more prominent. “Good evening Miss Sparkle, it’s wonderful to make your acquaintance.” Connor said, offering Twilight his hoof.

Twilight looks at his hoof, uncertainty written all over her face. Connor just chuckled, “Come now Miss Sparkle, I don’t bite.”

“Like hell you don’t” Lee muttered under his breath.

Joel just rolled his at Connor’s more ‘posh’ than usual approach to the situation, “Bloody hell Connor, you’re laying it on a bit thick, aren’t ya?”

Connor let his hoof drop before he turned around to address Joel. “Well excuse me for wanting to make a good impression. What, pray tell, are you doing to help this situation?”

“What situation?”

“The situation in which we don’t come off as complete idiots or freaks.”

“I think we failed at the when we were born.”

“Way to inspire confidence moron.”

“Who are you callin’ a moron? I’m not the one who decided that Tom, the most unsubtle person out of all of us, ought to go and sneak around in an orchard.”

“I didn’t see you coming up with any better ideas.”

“That’s because there are no better ideas. This whole situation is fucking stupid.”

“So? It’s not like I’ve ever given you any reason to doubt my plans,”

“You threw me into the fucking atmosphere!”

“Because you were bitiching about not knowing how to fly!”

“That doesn’t mean you should throw me and hope I figure it out before I hit the ground!”

“Hey! I still caught you! I saved your fucking life!”

“You were the one that put my bloody life in danger!”

All whilst Connor and Joel had been arguing, Twilight had slipped back over to the girls and was now watching the argument begin in earnest. “Does this usually happen?” She asked a still tied up Tom.

“Pretty often. Believe it or not, but this is a more tame argument. Just you wait until the personal insults start to fly.”

Twilight gave Tom a rather shocked look, “How can you guys even call each other friends?”

“Maybe I’ll tell you,” Tom said, annoyance creeping into his voice, “If you get me out of these fucking ropes.”

Twilight winced at Tom’s vulgarity but used her magic to untie him nonetheless. “You don’t have to be so rude about it.”

“You try being tied up for about thirty minutes on uncomfortable ground and let’s see how you’re feeling.” Tom said as he sat up, rubbing his forelegs where the rope had been.

"Sooo, what exactly are ya?" Rainbow asked, scanning Tom curiously, "Never seen or heard about anything like ya."

"I think Connor's plan was to explain all of this as a group" Tom said, turning his attention back to the argument between Connor and Joel, "Although I think that plan's fucked itself sideways and got thrown out a window."

"My word! Is there really any need to be so vulgar?" Rarity asked, to which Tom replied in a heavily accented 'posh' voice, "Oh my! I am so sorry my dear! Would you find it more pleasing if I were to cease my obnoxious and obviously displeasing linguistical patterns?", wearing a mocking smile as he spoke.

Rarity just huffed as Pinkie and Rainbow laughed at Tom's display. "Erm, guys?", Twilight's voice cut across causing them to look and see that Twilight, Fluttershy and Applejack had been watching Joel's and Connor's argument which had now heated to the point where they were shouting in each others faces. "Should we intervene?" Twilight asked worriedly. They all quickly turned their attention back to the argument as the shouts started to get even louder.

"I'D SAY THAT I'D SHOVE YOUR COCK DOWN YOUR THROAT BUT YOU COULDN'T CHOKE A FLY WITH THAT ONE INCH-WARRIOR!" Connor bellowed at Joel.

“AT LEAST MY HAIR DOESN’T LOOK LIKE IT WAS DRAGGED THROUGH A FUCKING CHIPPY DURING THE FUCKING LUNCH RUSH!”

“OH LOOK AT JOEL, SLIDING ON IN THERE WITH A BIT OF ASIAN PERSUASION!”

“COME ON THEN, LET’S GO RIGHT NOW YA FUCKING CUNT!”

Joel and Connor tensed up getting ready to lunge at each other. Connor used his magic to tear off a nearby tree branch whilst Joel flared his wings, preparing to launch himself.

They glared daggers at one another for several seconds before a small smirk broke across Connor’s face. Despite wanting to remain mad at Connor, Joel also couldn’t help but smirk slightly too. Soon they were both chuckling at each other before bursting into outright laughter, both of them leaning against each other, gasping for air.

Twilight and the other girls just stood there dumbfounded as they watched two creatures that were about ready to atomise each other laughing with one another as though nothing had happened.

Whilst Joel and Connor rendered their sides shredded, Tom just “rolled” his eyes and made his way over to them and Lee, who was watching the other two with an amused look.

After a few seconds the laughing died down and Connor and Joel just had smiles plastered on their faces, along with Tom and Lee. If one were to look at the group as they were now, one could say that they were enjoying a blissful moment, happy in each others company.

Then Connor grabbed Joel’s head in his magic and slammed his face into the ground.

“You fucking bastard.” Joel muttered with a facefull of dirt whilst the other laughed at him as he picked himself up.

“Right then, with that out of the way I suppose I should tell you where we’re here.” Connor said, in a cheerful tone, smiling at the slightly confused mares before him.

“Hang on a second,” Twilight interrupted him, a hoof raised to stop any retort, “How can any of you call yourselves friends? All you do is pick on and laugh at each other.”

The guys all shared a look with one another before returning their attention to the mare, “Your point?” asked Lee, eyebrow raised.

“My point is that friends don’t do that! Friends are supposed to help each other out and compassionate and caring towards one another.” Twilight said, sharing a warm look with her friends.

The guys once again looked at each other...before erupting in laughter. Even Matty, who was still unconscious, snickered in his sleep a little. The girls glared at them, annoyed that they took what was now their most valued belief so jokingly.

“What, pray tell, do you find so funny?” Rarity huffed, clearly unamused.

“”It’s just-hehe- it’s just that,” Joel stuttered slightly, still racked with the occasional giggle, “It’s just that you managed say that with a straight fucking face, that sounds like something you’d hear on a shitey show for seven year old girls.”

“Why I never!” Rarity exclaimed, glaring at the guys who were once again chuckling to themselves. “While I would love to debate the ins and outs of friendship with you, that’s not the reason we came here.” Connor stated, as he gestured with his hoof to the slumbering Matty, “We were trekking through that forest over there and we were attacked by a Manticore.”

The girls gasped at this, there previous annoyance replaced by begrudging respect, wondering how a dysfunction group of freaks could deal with a monster that bested most of them only a day before.

“Matty was thrown in the fight and he struck his head. We had noticed the roofs of a village a bit earlier on and decided to look there for medical help.” Before any of them could do anything there was a small blur of yellow as Fluttershy zipped up to Matty, inspecting the now scabbed over gash on his head which was mostly obscured by his mane.

“Oh my, this looks really bad.” Fluttershy gasped as she mithered over Matty. She looked up to Lee who had recovered from the shock of having a bundle of drop-dead adorableness launch itself at him at breakneck speeds. “Follow me, we need to get him to my cottage so I can take care of him.” Lee looked up at the others for some sort of confirmation, but the most he got was a few shrugs. He just sighed, “Lead the way.”, gesturing loosely with his hand and lumbering after Fluttershy as she took of hurriedly.

The others stood there awkwardly for a moment or two, none really meeting each others gaze. “Well then,” Connor coughed, breaking the silence, “We’ve done what we came here to do,” he gestured to Tom and Joel to follow him, “Shall we?”. They turned around and started to head back to the forest. ‘Come on, come on,’ Connor thought to himself, ‘Take the bait, take it.’

“Hey!” Rainbow’s voice called out, the guys stopped and Connor quickly had to hide a big grin as he turned to face them, “Victory!” he cheered in his head.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Rainbow asked, eyeing them with curiosity.

“Well, since we’ve gotten Matty some medical attention, we were going to go back to our small campsite back in the forest.” Connor explained, trying his ha...hoof at manipulating to get what he wanted.

“You can’t go in there!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, “There’s lots and lots of dangerous animals and if you go in there you might get attacked by one and then if you get attacked by one you might not be able to attend my ‘Welcome-to-Ponyville’ party and then there’ll be nopony to enjoy the cake and if there isn’t any cake then everypony will be sad and if everypony's sad then that means I’m not doing my job properly and if I’m not doing my job properly then there’s nopony to make everypony smile and if nopony smiles then Ponyville won't be a fun place to live in and nopony wants to live in a place with no fun because then everypony would be all grumpy and boring and there’d be no fun and no parties and no cake!” Pinkie spoke in a way that could only be described as words being fired out of a mingun, before she took a deep breath and threw herself to the ground, “WHY IS THERE NO CAKE!?”, she wailed with despair.

It took the others a couple of seconds to get over the mental whiplash of following what Pinkie had said before Joel spoke up again, building upon Connor’s earlier points, “Well, what should we do? We don’t have any money for a room and I’m not about to go around begging for some.”

The moment Joel had finished speaking Pinkie had shot right back onto her hooves and started chucking words out again, “Well that’s easy silly. Matty can stay with Fluttershy seeing as she’s looking after him. Lee can stay with Applejack since she’s got the barn and that’s about the only place that’ll hold him. Connor can stay with Twilight because I think Connor’s the kind of stallion that likes to read and study, Joel can go with Rarity because I’m Pinkie Pie and I’m going to keep Tom!” As soon as she had finished that last part she teleported over to Tom and enveloped him in a tight hug before zipping off into the distance with him, already spouting party plans and personal questions.

Once again it took a moment for the other to catch up with what Pinkie had said, but once they had Joel and Rarity started eyeing each other warily, neither one happy about the situation presented to them. “I suppose I can accommodate you, so long as you keep the cursing down to a bare minimum.” Rarity said at last, giving Joel a nasty look. “I can try, but if I hurt myself I might end up swearing.” He admitted, returning Rarity’s stare. She just huffed and turned around before trotting off, “It’s a start, I suppose, follow me.” Joel said his goodbyes to Connor before going off after Rarity, muttering about his luck under his breath.

Twilight and Connor just sat there for a moment, neither sure how to proceed. “So...Twilight was it?” Connor pretended to be ignorant of their names so as not to arouse suspicion. Connor’s voice jolted Twilight out of the small zone-out she’d been in and turned her attention to him, “You don’t mind taking me in, do you? It would be a big help.”

“I suppose I can house you, we do have some spare room in the library. You’d have to sleep in a sleeping bag for a couple of days though, until we can get a proper bed for you.” She replied, she too a bit wary of her new guest.

“Take all the time you need Twilight, I’d hate to be too much of a burden. Shall we head off? I do believe it’ll be dark soon.”

Twilight turned to look at the sun and saw that there was only a very small amount still above the horizon. She nodded her agreement, “Yeah, let’s go. I’d best introduce you to Spike, my assistant. Then perhaps get you something to eat, you look like you haven’t eaten anything for a while.” And in accordance to very clichéd and terribly overused circumstance, Connor’s stomach let out a growl. “Heh, I can testify to that.” He laughed, as they too set off across the orchard towards Ponyville.

“Ah suppose tha’ I’d better ‘ead off to ‘Shy’s house an’ tell tha’ Lee fella’ he’s kippin’ over ‘ere for a while.” Applejack said as she started to make her way to Fluttershy’s house.

Soon, everything in orchard was how it should be, except for one thing.

“Erm, guys?!” Rainbow called out, nothing but the sound of nature replying, “What about me!?” Again, nothing.

Rainbow scowled, annoyed that she’d been forgotten so easily, and took flight before heading back to her cloudhouse, muttering angrily to herself as she went.